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In this thread, we ruin Thanksgiving in fun and creative ways. Thank you all for coming. Now, everyone please raise your class of Ivermectin, I'd like to make a toast...
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Nov 22, 2021 17:09
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| # ? May 3, 2024 13:50 |
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I insist that crazy Uncle Fred has been coöpted by Them when he refuses to agree that the aliens from Zeta reticuli are now in league with the ones from Fomalhaut. Last time the old bastard tries to out-nutball me.
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Nov 22, 2021 17:15
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"Cancel culture!" ::runs away from the table::
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Nov 22, 2021 17:16
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I hope you all enjoyed the stuffing and ate heartily. You've all ingested a deadly poison of my own creation, one that's completely odorless and tasteless. There's enough antidote for one of you. I've hidden it inside Uncle Dean's pacemaker. Good luck.
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Nov 22, 2021 17:20
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Hi, I'm the millennial who chooses to be Facebook friends with the rest of the family.
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Nov 22, 2021 17:20
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I constantly insist on showing off tiktok dances ive barely learned
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Nov 22, 2021 17:25
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There are a lot
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Nov 22, 2021 17:25
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*surprises family with tofurkey and all vegan sides*
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Nov 22, 2021 17:25
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A Fancy Hat posted:I hope you all enjoyed the stuffing and ate heartily. You've all ingested a deadly poison of my own creation, one that's completely odorless and tasteless. There's enough antidote for one of you. I've hidden it inside Uncle Dean's pacemaker. Good luck. god yes. in this scenario, I'm Uncle Dean. for real though all I do is bring a girl home and kiss her in front of my folks and they try to kill me and her.
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Nov 22, 2021 17:26
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My uncle lived on a HUGE farm in Kentucky. He HAD lots of cattle. He also like to drink. He also worked in construction not really a side job he did more construction and kept cows for food. Oh yeah, he ALSO likes high powered rifles and assault rifles, he has MANY. And I need to mention the Bulldozer he has as well, can anyone see where this is going? This bulldozer was some old army surplus rickedy shitbox contraption of death, with none of the modern day saftey features on those nowadays, and if there was some kind of saftey device he had it removed one way or another. So there we all were at his farm for thanksgiving, since he did have the largest home to comfortably hold all the relatives at once and in comfort. Well, granny made her "special" egg nog, and as she was getting on in years sometimes forgets things and apparently as she made the egg nog a few days ahead of time, she would forget if she added any alcohol, and thus kept adding burbon to the eggnog. In short she had made egg-rocket fuel, or eggNOOOOOOOGGGGG as it is refered to by the family to this day. Well everyone proceeded to get tore down thanksgiving family style and my uncle gets rowdy when he gets drunk. So he goes and gets out his sks, which he had gone and purchased all of the illegal perts needed to make it a select fire, fully automatic, assault rifle. He goes out to the edge of the field and begins emptying 30 round magazines into the cows cloest to him, right in the loving face and or side and or necks. He went out with about 8 magazines and wound up killing 8 and wounding 6. IT GETS BETTER. He then proceeded to get on the loving bulldozer and proceeded to run over, mash, and pretty much make hamburgers right there in the field, WHILE YOU WAIT. He was screaming about bulldozing them goddamn cows and bull dozing bulls and laughing maniacly, he then decided it would be cool to go and basically do "donuts" or spin the treads of the bulldozer over the smashed shot carcases of the recently living cows. Eventually he got tired/passed out and fell off the bull dozer, narrowly escaping his own death and the bulldozer plowed into a 150+ year old oak tree, where it grunted and strained aginst the tree. My other uncle ran out to turn the dozer off and we dragged my drunken passed out uncle covered in cow blood and mud into the garage where they hosed him off. LUCKILY he lived far enough out in the country no law enforcement people were called and luckily no one was loving killed. Everyone was too drunk to eat dinner, and we all passed out and awoke to a very pissed off agrivated uncle who wanted to know WHAT THE gently caress HAPPENED OUTSIDE LAST NIGHT??!! It took a half a day to expalin to him, and as we all sat around eating leftovers laughing about how funny it was that almost all of us could have died or been killed. He is in a "home" now for "special people" just like him. This was 1995 btw.
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Nov 22, 2021 17:26
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Jim invites Dwight to Thanksgiving and prepares a truly wondrous spread. The scent of perfect cooked and seasoned turkey fills Dwight’s nostrils and his stomach growls audibly. “Please, Dwight, help yourself,” Jim says, gesturing towards the turkey. “We’re so glad you could make it!” Hungrily, Dwight goes to pick up his fork to bring some food to his plate, but something is wrong. His fork is stuck to the table! Frantic, he tries another, and another. With horror, Dwight realizes Jim has krazy glued all of the flatware to the beautifully set table, rendering the meal unattainable. Jim mugs for the camera.
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Nov 22, 2021 17:29
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*sitting at the kids table* ...So anyway Santa's not real.
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Nov 22, 2021 17:30
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I'm thankful for this gangrenous hemorrhoid that I'm about to show you all. I've named it Olive.
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Nov 22, 2021 17:33
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Hey, Uncle John, Puerto Ricans actually aren't the cause of all your problems. ::runs away from table::
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Nov 22, 2021 17:34
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*serves canned cranberry sauce*
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Nov 22, 2021 17:36
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Now I don’t want to get political but…
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Nov 22, 2021 17:37
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this turkey is makin me thirsty
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Nov 22, 2021 17:38
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I think the real “Turkey” this year is our bird brained President Joe Biden
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Nov 22, 2021 17:39
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Make America Great Again, Again!
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Nov 22, 2021 17:40
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*mistakes grandma's stairlift for a toilet. poops all the way up, leaving a surprisingly consistent line of poo poo on the stairs*
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Nov 22, 2021 17:40
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*shows up*
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Nov 22, 2021 17:41
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*Asks mom to set an extra seat at the table because I'm bringing my new girlfriend this year* *Shows up with full size neko waifu dakimakura*
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Nov 22, 2021 17:42
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I am playing the 10 hour Bacon Pancakes song on the Bluetooth speaker. I throw the speaker in an air duct so no one can turn it off.
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Nov 22, 2021 17:43
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*questions some of grandpa's war stories, especially the flamethrower stuff* *doesn't know grandpa still has the flamethrower in the shed* *has to admit grandpa is pretty deadly with a flamethrower*
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Nov 22, 2021 17:46
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Obama!
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Nov 22, 2021 17:49
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this turkey is OBAMA
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Nov 22, 2021 17:51
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This year I want to be the turkey. Could you give me a hand with this butchers' twine?
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Nov 22, 2021 18:02
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Before we eat, I’d like to read a toast that I’ve prepared: “For twelve years you've been asking "Who is John Galt?" This is John Galt speaking. I'm the man who's taken away your victims and thus destroyed your world. You've heard it said that this is an age of moral crisis and that Man's sins are destroying the world. But your chief virtue has been sacrifice, and you've demanded more sacrifices at every disaster. You've sacrificed justice to mercy and happiness to duty. So why should you be afraid of the world around you? Your world is only the product of your sacrifices. While you were dragging the men who made your happiness possible to your sacrificial altars, I beat you to it. I reached them first and told them about the game you were playing and where it would take them. I explained the consequences of your 'brother-love' morality, which they had been too innocently generous to understand. You won't find them now, when you need them more than ever. We're on strike against your creed of unearned rewards and unrewarded duties. If you want to know how I made them quit, I told them exactly what I'm telling you tonight. I taught them the morality of Reason -- that it was right to pursue one's own happiness as one's principal goal in life. I don't consider the pleasure of others my goal in life, nor do I consider my pleasure the goal of anyone else's life. I am a trader. I earn what I get in trade for what I produce. I ask for nothing more or nothing less than what I earn. That is justice. I don't force anyone to trade with me; I only trade for mutual benefit. Force is the great evil that has no place in a rational world. One may never force another human to act against his/her judgment. If you deny a man's right to Reason, you must also deny your right to your own judgment. Yet you have allowed your world to be run by means of force, by men who claim that fear and joy are equal incentives, but that fear and force are more practical. You've allowed such men to occupy positions of power in your world by preaching that all men are evil from the moment they're born. When men believe this, they see nothing wrong in acting in any way they please. The name of this absurdity is 'original sin'. That's impossible. That which is outside the possibility of choice is also outside the province of morality. To call sin that which is outside man's choice is a mockery of justice. To say that men are born with a free will but with a tendency toward evil is ridiculous. If the tendency is one of choice, it doesn't come at birth. If it is not a tendency of choice, then man's will is not free. And then there's your 'brother-love' morality. Why is it moral to serve others, but not yourself? If enjoyment is a value, why is it moral when experienced by others, but not by you? Why is it immoral to produce something of value and keep it for yourself, when it is moral for others who haven't earned it to accept it? If it's virtuous to give, isn't it then selfish to take? Your acceptance of the code of selflessness has made you fear the man who has a dollar less than you because it makes you feel that that dollar is rightfully his. You hate the man with a dollar more than you because the dollar he's keeping is rightfully yours. Your code has made it impossible to know when to give and when to grab. You know that you can't give away everything and starve yourself. You've forced yourselves to live with undeserved, irrational guilt. Is it ever proper to help another man? No, if he demands it as his right or as a duty that you owe him. Yes, if it's your own free choice based on your judgment of the value of that person and his struggle. This country wasn't built by men who sought handouts. In its brilliant youth, this country showed the rest of the world what greatness was possible to Man and what happiness is possible on Earth. Then it began apologizing for its greatness and began giving away its wealth, feeling guilty for having produced more than its neighbors. Twelve years ago, I saw what was wrong with the world and where the battle for Life had to be fought. I saw that the enemy was an inverted morality and that my acceptance of that morality was its only power. I was the first of the men who refused to give up the pursuit of his own happiness in order to serve others. To those of you who retain some remnant of dignity and the will to live your lives for yourselves, you have the chance to make the same choice. Examine your values and understand that you must choose one side or the other. Any compromise between good and evil only hurts the good and helps the evil. If you've understood what I've said, stop supporting your destroyers. Don't accept their philosophy. Your destroyers hold you by means of your endurance, your generosity, your innocence, and your love. Don't exhaust yourself to help build the kind of world that you see around you now. In the name of the best within you, don't sacrifice the world to those who will take away your happiness for it. The world will change when you are ready to pronounce this oath: I swear by my Life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for the sake of mine.”
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Nov 22, 2021 18:09
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I’m doing meth in the backyard while uncle Pete carves the turkey
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Nov 22, 2021 18:12
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Hey, uh...I think your toilet is clogged. I took a huge meaty poo poo, and it wouldn't go down. Also, the toilet is overflowing.
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Nov 22, 2021 18:17
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Captain Standish! Land Ho!
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Nov 22, 2021 18:18
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Starts talking about Trump.
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Nov 22, 2021 18:20
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I have this great podcast you guys are gonna love, it really helped me open my eyes to a LOT of things that are going on. No, I'm not playing it at 2x speed, he just sounds like that all the time. No there's nothing wrong with him, he's married to a doctor, she'd say if he had a medical issue. I'm just going to leave this playing while we carve the turkey.
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Nov 22, 2021 18:24
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He has assured me she has a very dry vagina
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Nov 22, 2021 18:27
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Sets down fork filled with creamed corn and mashed potatoes We need to talk about the REAL origins of Thanksgiving. This is the right time to discuss the mistreatment of the indigenous peoples and how this holiday is a lie. Shut the gently caress up I've only had three glasses of wine!
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Nov 22, 2021 18:27
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Oh, you're serving turkey??? I just had some yesterday. I'll just make myself something else.
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Nov 22, 2021 18:31
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I'm just not hungry it's fine
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Nov 22, 2021 18:37
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Yeah I got the wine. Would like Night Train or Thunderbird?
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Nov 22, 2021 18:43
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Hey your pipes are leaking, I was taking a look at them and a couple of them started dripping. There's a huge puddle under the washing machine, I think you'll need to call a plumber. And it's gonna be EXPENSIVE today. Hooo boy, you have got some ISSUES in this house, I think they sold you a lemon. I know a guy, listen, he'll fix this place up completely under the table. He avoids all of those annoying contract fees and insurance costs and whatnot, he'll fix this place up really quick and for a good cost. I'll text him your number. Okay so when are we eating? I'm starving here and my kids haven't eaten since lunch yesterday.
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Nov 22, 2021 18:44
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| # ? May 3, 2024 13:50 |
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So, does everyone have their booster shot scheduled?
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Nov 22, 2021 18:45
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