ITT: We ruin Thanksgiving

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > ITT: We ruin Thanksgiving

A Fancy Hat: Nov 18, 2016; Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

It's called the "ahegao" face, you've probably seen it online. Here, I'll make the face once you hand me some mashed potatoes, you'll get it then.

# ? Nov 22, 2021 19:18

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# ? May 3, 2024 09:44

SLICK GOKU BABY: Jun 12, 2001; Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls

Cooks the turkey until the temp hits 180. Got to make sure it's done!

# ? Nov 22, 2021 19:18

Bogus Adventure: Jan 11, 2017; More like "Bulges Adventure"

By the way, if a woman named "Chrystalle" rings the doorbell looking for "Mr. Big," that's me. Oh, and we'll be using your bedroom and your vacuum machine. Don't worry, I brought a can of Febreeze just in case there is a lingering odor.

# ? Nov 22, 2021 19:20

YeahTubaMike: Mar 24, 2005; *hic* Gotta finish thish . . .; Doctor Rope

its all nice on rice posted:

creamed corn

stop the thread, thanksgiving is maximally ruined

# ? Nov 22, 2021 19:22

kntfkr: Feb 11, 2019; GOOSE FUCKER

EorayMel posted:

My uncle lived on a HUGE farm in Kentucky. He HAD lots of cattle. He also like to drink. He also worked in construction not really a side job he did more construction and kept cows for food.

Oh yeah, he ALSO likes high powered rifles and assault rifles, he has MANY.

And I need to mention the Bulldozer he has as well, can anyone see where this is going?

This bulldozer was some old army surplus rickedy shitbox contraption of death, with none of the modern day saftey features on those nowadays, and if there was some kind of saftey device he had it removed one way or another.

So there we all were at his farm for thanksgiving, since he did have the largest home to comfortably hold all the relatives at once and in comfort. Well, granny made her "special" egg nog, and as she was getting on in years sometimes forgets things and apparently as she made the egg nog a few days ahead of time, she would forget if she added any alcohol, and thus kept adding burbon to the eggnog. In short she had made egg-rocket fuel, or eggNOOOOOOOGGGGG as it is refered to by the family to this day.

Well everyone proceeded to get tore down thanksgiving family style and my uncle gets rowdy when he gets drunk.

So he goes and gets out his sks, which he had gone and purchased all of the illegal perts needed to make it a select fire, fully automatic, assault rifle.

He goes out to the edge of the field and begins emptying 30 round magazines into the cows cloest to him, right in the loving face and or side and or necks.

He went out with about 8 magazines and wound up killing 8 and wounding 6.

IT GETS BETTER.

He then proceeded to get on the loving bulldozer and proceeded to run over, mash, and pretty much make hamburgers right there in the field, WHILE YOU WAIT.

He was screaming about bulldozing them goddamn cows and bull dozing bulls and laughing maniacly, he then decided it would be cool to go and basically do "donuts" or spin the treads of the bulldozer over the smashed shot carcases of the recently living cows.

Eventually he got tired/passed out and fell off the bull dozer, narrowly escaping his own death and the bulldozer plowed into a 150+ year old oak tree, where it grunted and strained aginst the tree. My other uncle ran out to turn the dozer off and we dragged my drunken passed out uncle covered in cow blood and mud into the garage where they hosed him off.

LUCKILY he lived far enough out in the country no law enforcement people were called and luckily no one was loving killed.

Everyone was too drunk to eat dinner, and we all passed out and awoke to a very pissed off agrivated uncle who wanted to know WHAT THE gently caress HAPPENED OUTSIDE LAST NIGHT??!!

It took a half a day to expalin to him, and as we all sat around eating leftovers laughing about how funny it was that almost all of us could have died or been killed.

He is in a "home" now for "special people" just like him.

This was 1995 btw.

is this real?

# ? Nov 22, 2021 19:28

ChunTheUnavoidable: Sep 27, 2021

Mom dad id like you to meet my new boyfriend. He runs a comedy website called something awful

# ? Nov 22, 2021 19:36

Chinatown: Sep 11, 2001; by Fluffdaddy; Fun Shoe

*brings green beans, aka, the most garbage side in the history of the universe*

# ? Nov 22, 2021 19:39

hell astro course: Dec 10, 2009; pizza sucks

I'm fasting on thanksgiving. I will not be participating. am I ruining thanksgiving? too bad.

# ? Nov 22, 2021 19:40

Jay_Zombie: Apr 20, 2007; We're sealing the tunnel!

Hi mom and dad!
Please meet my new significant other. Here is a list of their dietary requirements.

# ? Nov 22, 2021 19:43

A Fancy Hat: Nov 18, 2016; Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

No sweet potatoes, huh? No, no it's fine. I understand.

*15 minutes pass*

Yeah everything's great, just kind of missing those sweet potatoes. Haha, just kidding, it's all great.

*30 minutes pass*

Hey, does anyone know if that catering place down on Route 74 is open? They had really good sweet potatoes, I think you could call them up, grab some, and be back here within 2 hours. Everybody's been asking where the sweet potatoes are, I'm trying to calm 'em down but you know how grandma and Aunt Luanne get. So I say you call them, place the order, and get this whole thing taken care of.

*45 minutes pass*

Yeah, no, when I said I had immunity I was being honest. Your aunt and I caught covid back in December of 2019, we got the cells or whatever, it's fine. That cough is just allergies. Now here's the real question - did you call JD's Catering yet? They're gonna close soon and everybody's asking about these sweet potatoes.

# ? Nov 22, 2021 19:43

BAGS FLY AT NOON: Apr 6, 2011; A Soft Nylon Bag

Mom and dad, this is Chasey
Chasey, this is my mom and dad

# ? Nov 22, 2021 19:44

ChubbyChecker: Mar 25, 2018

# ? Nov 22, 2021 19:48

Ror: Oct 21, 2010; 😸Everything's 🗞️ purrfect!💯🤟

after grandma says grace i�d like us all to take a moment of silence for the late lowtax.

who is lowtax? *goony chuckle* well grandpa,

# ? Nov 22, 2021 19:48

Big Beef City: Aug 15, 2013

kntfkr posted:

is this real?

They've posted it once before, so I'm assuming

# ? Nov 22, 2021 19:49

Big Beef City: Aug 15, 2013

We ALWAYS watch 'A Christmas Story' or stupid loving football. This year we're watching Twitch streams and I'M picking. No YOU shut up Uncle DAVE I GET TO PICK THIS YEAR!!

# ? Nov 22, 2021 19:51

Meme Poker Party: Sep 1, 2006; by Azathoth

kntfkr posted:

is this real?

No Country for Old Cows

# ? Nov 22, 2021 19:54

Bula Vinaka: Oct 21, 2020; beach side

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFPH3ZaEQKQ

# ? Nov 22, 2021 20:01

Bogus Adventure: Jan 11, 2017; More like "Bulges Adventure"

A Fancy Hat posted:

No sweet potatoes, huh? No, no it's fine. I understand.

*15 minutes pass*

Yeah everything's great, just kind of missing those sweet potatoes. Haha, just kidding, it's all great.

*30 minutes pass*

Hey, does anyone know if that catering place down on Route 74 is open? They had really good sweet potatoes, I think you could call them up, grab some, and be back here within 2 hours. Everybody's been asking where the sweet potatoes are, I'm trying to calm 'em down but you know how grandma and Aunt Luanne get. So I say you call them, place the order, and get this whole thing taken care of.

*45 minutes pass*

Yeah, no, when I said I had immunity I was being honest. Your aunt and I caught covid back in December of 2019, we got the cells or whatever, it's fine. That cough is just allergies. Now here's the real question - did you call JD's Catering yet? They're gonna close soon and everybody's asking about these sweet potatoes.

This got a really good laugh out of me.

# ? Nov 22, 2021 20:05

Fluffy Bunnies: Jan 10, 2009

StarkRavingMad posted:

So, does everyone have their booster shot scheduled?

heh heh I'll give your mom a booster shot if you know what I mean HEH HEH.

# ? Nov 22, 2021 20:14

The Bramble: Mar 16, 2004

Hey does anyone want to see my Minecraft world? Aunt Joan can I show you my Minecraft world? Grandma, hey Grandma, stop listening to Kenny for a minute and come see what I built in Minecraft.

# ? Nov 22, 2021 20:18

Konar: Dec 14, 2006; by Fluffdaddy

"I decided to try and make cranberry sauce this year instead of getting the canned stuff."

# ? Nov 22, 2021 20:22

kntfkr: Feb 11, 2019; GOOSE FUCKER

cauliflower mashed potatoes

# ? Nov 22, 2021 20:27

Icochet: Mar 18, 2008; I have a very small TV. Don't make fun of it! Please don't shame it like that~; Grimey Drawer

I have stuffed the turkey with durian and surströmming. One wrong move and I'll carve it

# ? Nov 22, 2021 20:28

Big Beef City: Aug 15, 2013

"...WELL you know I just SUFFER from this chronic pain and every day I just can't DO anything and my NEIGHBORS all take it out on me and the Doctors refuse to work with me or they think it's CANCER but they can't FIND cancer but every DAY I'm in pain and it's SOOooOOo awful and you know that our three cats need to be looked after, but some mornings I just CAN'T because of the constant PAIN I'm in and..."

*me biting a carrot stick from the relish tray while not breaking eye contact*

"You're faking every last word you lying bitch. Stuff it and eat your loving turkey."

*never breaks eye contact even as dishes are picked up and being done*

*this isn't my family's house*

# ? Nov 22, 2021 20:36

Treecko: Apr 23, 2008; The Official Demon Girl
Boss of 2022!

I show up and get waaaay too drunk while we play cards games, then pick a fight with Uncle Kyle who JUST got out of prison for beating his wife. We wrestle on the kitchen table screaming about who's hand was higher until grandpa finally steps in and tells us to take it outside where the cops finally arrive. He gets taken away again after biting the officer and we'll see him again for Thanksgiving in 5 years.

# ? Nov 22, 2021 20:39

Lazyfire: Feb 4, 2006; God saves. Satan Invests

I know he should be grown out of it by now, but Justin is going through a phase and he wouldn't stop screaming until we agreed to serve pizza today. Yes, he is 32; if you know how to fix him tell me now.

# ? Nov 22, 2021 20:45

Treecko: Apr 23, 2008; The Official Demon Girl
Boss of 2022!

The adults are upstairs talking and shush us kids into the basement to 'find something to do'. Our gameboys are dead so we play around in the heaps of junk stashed everywhere. Cousin Gage is digging in the litter box while I climb in the closet. Whoops it's a rusty nail hope my Tentanus shot is still good. Hey it''s my aunts box of dildos!

I hate Thanksgiving.

# ? Nov 22, 2021 20:46

BAGS FLY AT NOON: Apr 6, 2011; A Soft Nylon Bag

Treecko posted:

I show up and get waaaay too drunk while we play cards games, then pick a fight with Uncle Kyle who JUST got out of prison for beating his wife. We wrestle on the kitchen table screaming about who's hand was higher until grandpa finally steps in and tells us to take it outside where the cops finally arrive. He gets taken away again after biting the officer and we'll see him again for Thanksgiving in 5 years.

Now THIS is Thanksgiving!

# ? Nov 22, 2021 20:55

CPL593H: Oct 28, 2009; I know what you did last summer, and frankly I am displeased.

Before everyone eats me to explain the evils of factory farming and agribusiness.

# ? Nov 22, 2021 20:56

Smugworth: Apr 18, 2003

*makes green bean casserole from scratch from fresh green beans, cream and mushrooms, and thin sliced and breaded onions on top*

My wife: oh it's great honey, I just like the regular green bean casserole made with the stuff from a can

:smith:

# ? Nov 22, 2021 20:58

Nice Guy Patron: Jun 29, 2015

This a non fungible turkey.

# ? Nov 22, 2021 21:04

Fluffy Bunnies: Jan 10, 2009

Smugworth posted:

*makes green bean casserole from scratch from fresh green beans, cream and mushrooms, and thin sliced and breaded onions on top*

My wife: oh it's great honey, I just like the regular green bean casserole made with the stuff from a can

*spends 3 days locating rabbits, brings them home, slaughters them, butchers them, cooks them, spends 7 and a half hours in the kitchen*

husband: yeah it's fine just, I don't really see a point to rabbit. It's got so little meat on it. You really have to work for it, you know?

:smith:

(we'll see what digs he takes at the venison roast for thanksgiving)

# ? Nov 22, 2021 21:15

Big Beef City: Aug 15, 2013

Smugworth posted:

*makes green bean casserole from scratch from fresh green beans, cream and mushrooms, and thin sliced and breaded onions on top*

My wife: oh it's great honey, I just like the regular green bean casserole made with the stuff from a can

This one hurts me personally.

# ? Nov 22, 2021 21:17

numberoneposter: Feb 19, 2014; How much do I cum? The answer might surprise you!

hmmmm welp i better do my part

*starts drinking whiskey at 8 am*

# ? Nov 22, 2021 21:18

A Fancy Hat: Nov 18, 2016; Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

You know, it's really sad how men are being treated now. There's a thing called toxic feminism, it's out there, and it's why Cindy's not here this year. I have a pamphlet about this, hold on it's in the back of the car next to my sleeping bag.

# ? Nov 22, 2021 21:23

Bogus Adventure: Jan 11, 2017; More like "Bulges Adventure"

I just got back from Vietnam, and one of the locals told me that we have to try this fruit called "Durian." I brought one for each of us, so let me go ahead and bring them ov-

*thud and wet squish*

Oops... Also, anyone know what that smell is?

# ? Nov 22, 2021 21:25

givepatajob: Apr 8, 2003; One finds that this is the best of all possible worlds.

I brought you an ornament to hang on the tree later!

# ? Nov 22, 2021 21:26

Nigmaetcetera: Nov 17, 2004; borkborkborkmorkmorkmork-gabbalooins

So how many gallons of essential oils can I put you guys down for? Also, Grandma, this stuff is going to interact badly with your chemotherapy, so you�re going to want to quit the chemo right away.

# ? Nov 22, 2021 21:28

Big Beef City: Aug 15, 2013

*Complaining loudly about the NASCAR cup events of this season as the table is being set in the other room and how the whole points system is just damned hosed up*
"Heh and let me tell you about ANOTHER 'Critical RACE theory' that's on my mind god drat IT"

# ? Nov 22, 2021 21:29

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# ? May 3, 2024 09:44

kntfkr: Feb 11, 2019; GOOSE FUCKER

Bags Fly at Noon posted:

Mom and dad, this is Chasey
Chasey, this is my mom and dad

would you gently caress me for blow?

# ? Nov 22, 2021 21:33

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