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ChunTheUnavoidable posted:(muffled gunshot from master bedroom) "Oh poo poo..." <Struggles to decide whether to go see what the sound was or to finish jerking off with mom's underwear>
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Dec 15, 2021 20:59
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| # ? May 3, 2024 06:11 |
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Drink 10. Meanders over to the unattended phone and puts on Neon Moon. Cries on the stairs
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Dec 16, 2021 01:41
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"I don't care, it's not egg nog if it doesn't have rum in it" "What the gently caress does 'saving that bottle for the kids' mean? I already drank the other one"
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Dec 16, 2021 01:56
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I know you guys are really getting into pro wrestling and so a while back I signed you up for a couple lessons with a guy who retired a few years ago as your Christmas present. Anyway, meet your new coach, New Jack! This worked a lot better before I noticed he died this year.
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Dec 16, 2021 02:25
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"I'm sorry Stu, but did you just tell me with a straight face that you named the twins Temple and Grandin?"
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Dec 16, 2021 03:17
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Full Metal Jackass posted:*After just flying in from across the US to stay the week of Christmas at your house* As someone who had IBS, I can't refuse someone the use of my toilet. It's in my Code.
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Dec 16, 2021 03:18
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*Flushes tampon*
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Dec 16, 2021 04:36
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"God dammit Todd, I asked you not to wear your Joker makeup. My parents already think you're an idiot." "When I wear this to a Halloween party in 2009 and then every year since nobody panics because it's all 'part of the plan' but I wear it to two funerals and a Christmas Dinner, well then everyone loses their minds!" "I want a divorce."
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Dec 16, 2021 05:21
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I'm glad you asked. I'm not wearing the diaper because I have to physically, I'm wearing it because I need to - sexually.
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Dec 16, 2021 13:47
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Mum, Dad, I know this may be difficult for you but this Christmas I'd like you to call me Daddy.
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Dec 16, 2021 14:22
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Well what was I meant to do, Helen? Your dad's been in the downstairs for half an hour after drinking all that eggnog, your sister's locked in the upstairs either crying or vibrating herself silly - I didn't listen long enough to work out what those noises were, I'm not interested in sleeping with people's siblings - and it's freezing outside. What did you want me to do, get an icicle dick? I took the defrosting meat out of the sink first and I washed it out afterwards, what more do you want from me?
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Dec 16, 2021 15:03
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No, I'm a VOL-cel, not an IN-cel. This is a voluntary thing for me. I'm saving up my semen, and therefore my life essence, because women are demonic harpies who steal your age and strength from you. When I do eventually have sex I'll release decades of stored up semen into my wife's womb and produce a super powerful god-child. So, grandma, you can stop trying to set me up with your friend's granddaughter. I'm assuming she's already been deflowered, so none of my precious fluid will go to her.
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Dec 16, 2021 16:30
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Funky See Funky Do posted:"God dammit Todd, I asked you not to wear your Joker makeup. My parents already think you're an idiot." "You won't divorce me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And I won't divorce you because... well... you're just too much fun." *gets served*
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Dec 16, 2021 16:48
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Converts to Greek church on Dec 24, insists on celebrating in January. Converts back to Latin church on December 31.
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Dec 16, 2021 16:50
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Come sit on Satan's lap and tell the dark lord what you want. .... .... ... What do you mean S-A-N-T-A?
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Dec 16, 2021 18:40
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*Gives all the nieces and nephews dog toys as presents.* What? No you're not getting a dog. You all just ugly as gently caress.
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Dec 16, 2021 19:34
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So actually Jesus, IF HE EXISTED, was probably born in April. Sorry if I just blew your mind. *knocks over the Christmas tree* This is a pagan symbol, did you know that? I'm definitely the first person to ever bring this up.
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Dec 16, 2021 19:42
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So the plan was to celebrate with a proper traditional winter solstice celebration where we light a big fire and jump across it to signify purifying ourselves for the coming year. Jimmy was a bit drunk and decided he would take grandma across too, but he didn't figure for the wheelchair making it unwieldy and the oxygen tank being, well, an oxygen tank. No officer, we were not burning her as a witch. We love our neo-wiccan friends and that is very disrespectful.
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Dec 16, 2021 20:30
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*cums in the food* poo poo poo poo poo poo *cums in the presents as well* ah hell i didn't mean to do that
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Dec 16, 2021 20:53
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Listen Charlie, I don't care what you think. It my right to own this AR-15 and I will sling it over my shoulder during dinner if I want.
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Dec 16, 2021 21:00
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Attention everyone, it looks like the treatment didn't kill my lice like I thought it did.
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Dec 16, 2021 21:46
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I know everyone is worried about my serial killing. And think I should stop. But you're also all worried about the environment too, right? Well guess how I managed to save some trees by not using wrapping paper.
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Dec 16, 2021 21:52
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I did something special this year. Now I know we're supposed to only buy gifts on the list but you see there's this new thing called NFT and you should be very happy that......STOP! STOP! Ellen! You cannot take a picture of it Ellen! That is person property!!
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Dec 16, 2021 21:56
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Insists on wearing a kilt with no underwear for some reason. Insists on squatting to open presents. Inadvertently flashes extended family multiple times. *also weighs 300lbs*
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Dec 16, 2021 23:00
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Jay_Zombie posted:*Gives all the nieces and nephews dog toys as presents.* One of the stories my wife's family tells every single Christmas is from the 70's and he was 18 or so. He bought a present for the family dog and his dad opened it, thinking it was incredibly sweet someone would get the dog a present. It was a box of shells, Uncle Den hates pets and ruined Christmas for his own father that year.
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Dec 16, 2021 23:37
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Now in addition to these Essential Oils by DoTerra sample pack each of your are getting, I've also enrolled everyone in my Essential Oils by DoTerra Sales Club! Check your phones now and y'all will see the invites on Facebook. Essential Oils by DoTerra basically sell themselves! Here you see I'm adding just a drop of pine tree oil, available now from Essential Oils by DoTerra, into my mask will help fight the Omicron variant. No booster needed when you use Essential Oils by DoTerra! No who's ready to accept their Essential Oils by DoTerra sign up package? Only $150 and please make the check out to Essential Oils by DoTerra.
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Dec 17, 2021 00:22
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rV5D01yl1tE
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Dec 17, 2021 00:24
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In 1000 years, when Gorlax the Immortal comes down from his kingdom on Io, none of this is going to matter. When he reads the tablets on which every humans name is written, THAT is what will matter. And grandma, your dry turkey has just placed you on the naughty slab. When Gorlax raises the dead, you will be sent to the deepest part of the cinnamon mines to toil in darkness for all eternity. Where do I get off? Excuse me? I "get off" by being a disciple of Gorlax. If you read my facebook page you'd already understand this.
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Dec 17, 2021 18:13
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...Who told me that? Definitely not your bullshit son of god, mom. Learn to think for yourself for a change, poo poo. Oh sure, I'll leave, but loving remember THIS Christmas as the last time I tried to open your eyes to the supradimensional beings I've been trying to tell you about for years. THERE'S your god. THERE'S your Higgs field. THERE'S the beings that have always existed and and always will, not some... <grasps chest, face flushes> not some weak mortal who got <staggers in pain> executed for being a loving cult leader, and tries to keep the wood over our eyes so we don't see...<drops to knees in agony>... don't see the REAL gods. And yeah, I AM a Brony and I gently caress that plush Pinky Pie EVERY N-- <collapses dead, grandma passes out, rolls begin to burn in the oven>
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Dec 17, 2021 20:07
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Lazyfire posted:One of the stories my wife's family tells every single Christmas is from the 70's and he was 18 or so. He bought a present for the family dog and his dad opened it, thinking it was incredibly sweet someone would get the dog a present. It was a box of shells, Uncle Den hates pets and ruined Christmas for his own father that year. I hope Uncle Den spent Christmas night in the ICU.
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Dec 17, 2021 20:23
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Jay_Zombie posted:I hope Uncle Den spent Christmas night in the ICU. Nope, and he's not even the member of the family that hates animals the most. His sister will swing a purse at a dog if it gets too close.
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Dec 17, 2021 20:30
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When I was 8 or so, my dad bought my mom an new car for Christmas. (Who the hell buys a car without telling their spouse? My dad, that's who.) It was a brand spankin new 1988 Chevy Suburban. It was HUGE. Ahh, the 80's. When mass = safety. Anyway... Mom drove us all to our grandparent's house in it later that morning where we spent Christmas. On the way home, a drunk driver in a small Toyota pickup crossed the double yellow line and hit us head on at a combined speed of 90-100 mph. The passenger sitting in the center of the bench seat in that car wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Seeing a dead body impaled through our windshield pretty much ruined Christmas that year. To this day, I don't like driving on holidays.
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Dec 17, 2021 20:34
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Lazyfire posted:Nope, and he's not even the member of the family that hates animals the most. His sister will swing a purse at a dog if it gets too close. Uncle Den and Aunt Bitchass sound like real pieces of poo poo. No offense intended to you. I just really hate people that pull that kinda crap.
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Dec 17, 2021 20:38
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Happy Holidays? Happy? Heh. Maybe for you. But did you know that the biosphere's collapsing, covid is mutating into an even more deadly form, fascism is on the rise, and capitalism exploits people? I'm sure you're not already aware of this, so I'm going to remind you constantly throughout the entire day. Sure, this turkey might taste good, but do you realize how many people you directly killed by cooking it? It's more than you'd think. The people exploited to grow the plants that fed this bird? The bird itself? Plus where did you buy this? You just fed the beast known as capitalism, good job. At least nothing matters because the world is going to end soon, and then you'll be embraced by the void that waits for all of us at the end. I'll be right back, I need to doomscroll for an hour so I have more terrible things to tell you.
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Dec 17, 2021 20:46
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Jay_Zombie posted:Uncle Den and Aunt Bitchass sound like real pieces of poo poo. No offense intended to you. Frankly, my wife's family has a lot of weird and problematic people. One of her other uncles showed up to Christmas the year before my wife and I started dating with his new wife, who he had married the day before after dating for three weeks. It was his third marriage and led to his fourth abandoned child. No one has seen him in the last four years now.
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Dec 17, 2021 20:49
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Lazyfire posted:Frankly, my wife's family has a lot of weird and problematic people. One of her other uncles showed up to Christmas the year before my wife and I started dating with his new wife, who he had married the day before after dating for three weeks. It was his third marriage and led to his fourth abandoned child. No one has seen him in the last four years now. Yeah, similar situation here as well. Both in my family and my wife's. We ceased contact with a lot of the more problematic ones quite some time ago. Things are far less stressful without them in the picture.
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Dec 17, 2021 21:12
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“Yea, we’ll, all I’m saying is that if you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes. If they didn’t want to get shot, they shouldn’t have been there! Hell, that’s why we decided to homeschool Ron and Jeb…”
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Dec 17, 2021 21:26
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Lazyfire posted:Frankly, my wife's family has a lot of weird and problematic people. One of her other uncles showed up to Christmas the year before my wife and I started dating with his new wife, who he had married the day before after dating for three weeks. It was his third marriage and led to his fourth abandoned child. No one has seen him in the last four years now. There's a song about this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P37xPiRz1sg
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Dec 17, 2021 21:46
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~turns to my brother's Chinese girlfriend~ "So what was it like, growing up in North Taiwan?"
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Dec 17, 2021 22:52
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| # ? May 3, 2024 06:11 |
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Good news! The doctor called, it's just herpes.
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Dec 17, 2021 23:35
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