Thranguy posted:

James Tate posted:

How The Pope Is Chosen

Any poodle under ten inches high is a toy.
Almost always a toy is an imitation
of something grown-ups use.
Popes with unclipped hair are called "corded popes."
If a Pope's hair is allowed to grow unchecked,
it becomes extremely long and twists
into long strands that look like ropes.
When it is shorter it is tightly curled.
Popes are very intelligent.
There are three different sizes.
The largest are called standard Popes.
The medium-sized ones are called miniature Popes.
I could go on like this, I could say:
"He is a squarely built Pope, neat,
well-proportioned, with an alert stance
and an expression of bright curiosity,"
but I won't. After a poodle dies
all the cardinals flock to the nearest 7-Eleven.
They drink Slurpies until one of them throws up
and then he's the new Pope.
He is then fully armed and rides through the wilderness alone,
day and night in all kinds of weather.
The new Pope chooses the name he will use as Pope,
like "Wild Bill" or "Buffalo Bill."
He wears red shoes with a cross embroidered on the front.
Most Popes are called "Babe" because
growing up to become a Pope is a lot of fun.
All the time their bodies are becoming bigger and stranger,
but sometimes things happen to make them unhappy.
They have to go to the bathroom by themselves,
and they spend almost all of their time sleeping.
Parents seem incapable of helping their little popes grow up.
Fathers tell them over and over again not to lean out of windows,
but the sky is full of them.
It looks as if they are just taking it easy,
but they are learning something else.
What, we don't know, because we are not like them.
We can't even dress like them.
We are like red bugs or mites compared to them.
We think we are having a good time cutting cartoons out of the paper,
but really we are eating crumbs out of their hands.
We are tiny germs that cannot be seen under microscopes.
When a Pope is ready to come into the world,
we try to sing a song, but the words do not fit the music too well.
Some of the full-bodied popes are a million times bigger than us.
They open their mouths at regular intervals.
They are continually grinding up pieces of the cross
and spitting them out. Black flies cling to their lips.
Once they are elected they are given a bowl of cream
and a puppy clip. Eyebrows are a protection
when the Pope must plunge through dense underbrush

in search of a sheep.

Chairchucker posted:

Hello please pick my lines for me

Staggy posted:

In, please pick me some lines.

rohan posted:

if on a winter’s night a bad author
359 words

‘I’m sorry?’ Dave asks, again. ‘How did you—why did you emphasise “experience” just then?’

“I think a better question,” I replied, “is why you’re only using single quotes in your dialogue.”

‘My dialogue? You mean—what I’m saying?’

“And stop using those long dashes, you sound pretentious,” I told him.

Dave blinks. ‘Professor,’ he starts, ‘I think something’s gone horribly wrong. The timelines are all confused. You look—older, somehow, than before.’

“Of course I’m older than before,” I murmured, “that’s how time usually works.”

Dave gets up with a start, and begins to rummage in the box of plot devices I keep on hand for just such a break in the dialogue. While he’s busying himself trying to find whatever will act as a macguffin for the scene, I took a moment to admire myself in the mirror. I examined my face — round, not unattractive, with the deep red lipstick and light blush that all serious female scientists apply each morning. Looking down further, I noticed my breasts, breasting breastily under my tight labcoat, as breasts do.

‘Found it!’ Dave exclaims, retrieving a piece of especially blue lapis lazuli.

“What’s that?” I asked, as he seemed unwilling to provide his own exposition.

‘What does it look like?’

“A piece of especially blue lapis lazuli,” I shrugged.

‘That’s interesting,’ Dave says, nonchalantly. ‘To me, it looks more like a deep red.’

“Okay,” I said. “So, you’re colourblind.”

Dave glares at me. ‘As you know,’ he needlessly expositions, ‘different colours of light travel at different speeds through various mediums.’ (“Media,” I murmured.) ‘Therefore, because this appears red to me, and blue to you, light must be travelling at different speeds relative to our position in the space-time continuum, which must mean—’

“I know all this,” I told him. “At least, I know the theory. Are you suggesting such an event has come to pass?”

‘You said so yourself, earlier,’ he says, tilting his head to one side. ‘Oh, no. Internal consistency is already failing—tenses have been broken the entire time—at least the point-of-view is remaining stable—’

The phone is still ringing. You walk over to answer it.

Nae posted:

Parti Sapphire

quote:

Jake Gato remembered listening to the oldies on the radio. He was always amazed at how good the songs of yesterday were. Growing up, he would always be reminded of the songs of old, even those that weren’t old when he was young. One certain song that reminded him of his life was the 1974 Harry Chapin hit, “The Cat’s in the Cradle”. Not because he saw himself in the father in the song, but in the son.

His father Joe was a working class man, who, as anyone can see through his actions with his family, was a kind man, willing to do anything for his family. Unfortunately, it usually came at Jake’s expense. While there were a few times when Joe was there when Jake needed him, there were just as many, if not more, times where he wasn’t. Now Jake had his own family, and didn’t have the time to spend with his father, or even his own family.

When he was young, Jake wanted to be like his dad. He got his wish. this right here, this is your first line. a little cliche, but snappy and gets the attention and makes the reader ask questions. why does jake want to be like his dad? why does it seem like he doesnt actually want to be like his dad? what is his dad like and why would he want to and not want to be him? this will drive the reader forward to want to actually read

A few years before, Jake and his wife Sara welcomed to the world their first, and so far, only child, Nathaniel. That was obviously too long, so it was usually shortened to Nate. To Jake, Nate’s birth was one of the happiest days of his life. That was ten years ago. Nate was now a young boy, but he wasn’t sure if he really “knew” his father. im gonna do something crazy. im going to make this paragraph into 10 words. Jake and Sara have a ten year old called Nate. i took your 67(!!!!!) word paragraph and made it 10. think about what youre writing and try to figure out what information is important and what isnt. for example, if I saw "Nate," the reader will probably think, "that's probably short for Nathaniel." or, they wont and it wont matter because knowing that the kid's name is Nathaniel but he goes by Nate because its shorter DOESNT MATTER. like, does knowing why Nate is called Nate affect your story? no. so dont include it.

While there were many times Jake was not there for Nate, one instance where he was there was when they worked together to build a treehouse. just make this a scene. dont say anything, dont do anything. just say, Jake and Nate went to build a treehouse and then tell the story. this isnt an essay, this is a story Jake helped set things up and build it, and Nate was his “Little Helper”. Nate would spend hours with his friends, while Sara would usually watch close by to make sure Nate doesn’t hurt himself.

One day, after a particularly rough day at work, Jake came home frustrated. After literally yelling to Sara about his day, they had dinner. They had pork chops and Brussel Sprouts THINK ABOUT YOUR DETAILS. why does this matter? why should the reader care? why did you spend more time describing the meal than Nate yelling at his wife? you can show character in that conversation, you can make me understand them, about the family dynamics, about the relationship between Sara and Jake and Nate, but instead you said, you know what's more important, exactly what they had for dinner. Nate was asked how his day was. He showed them a letter from his teacher.

“Dear Mrs. Gato:
I’m rather worried about young Nathaniel. He stays around his group of friends and is quite sociable, but whenever the children talk about their families, he seems quite dismissive. There has even been more than one instance where he has mentioned that he ‘has no daddy’, even though I have met with Mr. Gato, myself. I also noticed that when other fathers come to pick up their children, he seems rather depressed.”

After Sara read the letter, Jake seemed rather confused.

“Nate, why are you telling others I don’t exist? Your friends have seen me before!”

“Do you even know my friends' names?!” Nate yelled. Jake paused for a bit, obviously having trouble remembering. Out of frustration, Nate ran out the door. Both Jake and Sara knew that he went to the treehouse. hey, this is actually alright. its a conflict, two people want things, family is disconnected, and there's easy to understand emotional stakes. this can absolutely work!

“Maybe I should go to him,” Sara said.

“No,” said Jake, regrettably. “If anyone is gonna go to him, it has to be me.” So he went over to the treehouse.

When Jake climbed up, he saw Nate in the corner, crumpled up in a ball and depressed. Jake went to the opposite corner and made a similar position.

“Look son, I know I haven’t been there when I needed you the most. Hell, Grandpa Joe wasn’t any better. But I can honestly say that he was trying. And drat it Nate! I’m trying too!” He broke down. “I’m trying, damnit!” A few seconds later, he felt Nate’s hand on his shoulder, as if to assure Jake that everything was going to be okay. Jake then hugged Nate,both of them bawling their eyes out. this is, unfortunately, a bit too easy of a resolution to this problem, but hey, i can see the story, the workings here, and it isnt a bad idea. its a bit (well, very) cliche, but thats not a bad thing at least for learning

The next night, Jake went and called someone who was overdue for a call. Namely, his father, Joe.

“Hi dad, It’s Jake…Yeah, I figured now is as good a time as ever to call…Anyway, is it okay if Nate and I come over and visit? I’d bring Sara, but this is something that needs to be between men…Doesn't matter to me, Nate and I will make time…Great! See you then!” this is also a bit too easy too. a good question to ask yourself is 'why now?' the dad seems really quick to change his tune of being disconnected to getting involved and wanting to then mend his own relationship with his dad. why does one single instance of his child being sad change everything? we dont get enough of the dad's personality to really feel like this change is motivated. also, i wish you involved (or just got rid of) Sara in this story. she's just there to get yelled at, and you dont consider like... yelling at your spouse because you had a bad day is like, not good behavior. its just ignored and i dont want to say anything personal at you, but the fact that your story just lets it slide makes it feel like normal behavior, which like, it isnt. at least like, do something with it or dont have it in there. it doesnt do anything in the narrative anyways.

A few days later Jake and Nate started to leave for Joe’s place. When Jake first started the car, he heard a familiar tune. After a while listening, Jake and Nate sang along with the chorus.

“And the Cat’s in the Cradle and the Silver Moon, Little Boy Blue and the Man on the Moon. When you comin home dad I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then. We’re gonna have a good time then.”

quote:

Long ago in Korea, sometime during the Joseon era, there was a certain duchy known as Setuon Baelli. Their local lord was a man named Kim Oong Ryong. He himself was a kind ruler, but his advisers were not as kind. Nonetheless, he was dependent on them to help run the country. none of this is useful. the lord doesnt do anything. the whole advisers thing is a total red herring because this opener makes me think “oh, so the lord is going to be the protag and do things and have to deal with evil advisers?” but no, this story has nothing to do with the lord or advisers. so why are they here?

He had a lovely daughter by the name of Kim Swe Bok. Legend had it that she was so beautiful that she put flowers to shame lame. Bok was grateful to her father for letting village children play with her when she was younger (Her father knew that a good ruler needed the trust of the people) nope, dont explain. her dad letting her play with kids is a good detail, but let the reader come to their own conclusions here, but in her current age where she recently officially became a woman, she would become became quite lonely in the palace. The other children she played with back in her youth would tell Bok of their lives this is somewhat odd -- she feels lonely, but she still talks to her friends? i feel like the loneliness line makes me think she was restricted in some way, but it seems like nothing has really changed?. While to them, it was boring and mundane, their stories fascinated Bok.

There was a time where Bok did sneak out. She would go on “adventures” (or as close as they can be for those that young) with two brave twin boys. While the fact that they were twins made it so that they shared the name Dol Nyang (Names in Joseon times were determined by the date of their birth) please please please please consider your details. sure this might seem like a cool historical fact, it doesnt do anything in this story. its just a waste. dont waste your words! tell your story!, Bok would give them the nicknames of Crimson and Azure. Azure was the more gentlemanly of the two, while Crimson was more hot headed, but had a softer side that Bok witnessed multiple times. this is really painful telling not showing. while i try not to be too harsh on people telling, saying these personality traits doesnt actually give me anything. what is gentlemanly? i can think a lot about what that means -- are they respectable to a fault, do they fight people who disrespect her, do they bow to her and call her a royal title? these kinds of details of showing give a lot more to the reader than just telling me their gentlemanly. it can also give us two characters at once. azure bows and the princess blushes -- azure is respectful and the princess is modest, maybe even embarrassed by either her power or azure (or both). azure bows and the princess brushes past him. azure is respectful and the princess doesnt want to be reminded of her station as royalty. then azure smiles and we go oh maybe its a bit they got going? maybe he teases her with her status so even though he is respectful of her position, he also sees her as a friend he can mess with. through these little details, readers can see that each person has a personality, a history, and they feel like people who exist. details and actions tell us way more about characters than just saying “gentlemanly.”

Unfortunately, their times of youthful adventures ended when they were caught by the guards. this is limp, but i think this is a larger issue that i will talk about at the end. When Bok was taken away, she heard the twins yell to her something she remembered to that day.

“Lady Bok! We will grow stronger!”

“That way, we can protect you!”

“We promise!” this dialogue is annoyingly cliche, but what bothers me is that this doesnt make any drat sense. they snuck out and got caught by guards and the boys go we will become stronger to protect you. i feel like youve seen a lot of media where characters do this thing, where they say they will get stronger to protect their love interest, but like… they usually do this when they fail to protect their love interest from something. like the evil king having their guards kidnap the princess or something. not, idk, them getting caught sneaking out. this just feel like you putting something in your story youve seen better stories do and not understanding why those stories do it and why it works.

Ever since then, Bok has been more closely guarded. She wished to this day to see the outside world about as much as a prisoner. And a prisoner she was, at least in her eyes. again, this is a great chance to show! were at the character’s low point, where all hope is supposedly lost, so i should feel something here. show the pain of her loneliness, of being trapped even more than she ever was, so that we care.

The time had come when Bok needed to find a husband. Lord Ryong was growing old, and he knew that it was not right for a woman to rule alone, especially his beloved daughter! im not saying this is sexist since you know history and all that, but it errs just on the side of being just a lil too much. i try not to assume the worse of authors, so i think this is just either a failed joke or a botched reference to historical sexism, but i think the end part of that sentence just makes me squint a lil and go hmmm i feel like youre trying to say something more here than historical sexism. not that you are (i dont think you are), just that its a vibe that i think you dont want While Ryong did give Bok the right to choose her husband, she seemed rather indecisive (she had Azure and Crimson in mind, but couldn’t decide over the two) alright, lets talk about parentheses. sometimes i want to use them too, but then i realize, the point of parentheses is to add information that isnt necessarily relevant to the sentence. and then i usually realize two things. 1) these details are relevant, so i should just make them a part of my story and not in parentheticals, or 2) these details arent relevant AND I DELETE THEM. sometimes (rarely) i will find the parentheses actually works well, but thats usually when im using a voice to create an aside to the reader or something. but yeah, usually parentheses are a bad idea So it was announced that a swordplay tournament would be held this feels kind of weird, right? the lady gets to choose her husband, and she cant decide between the twins. thats fine, but then… why a giant tournament. again, i feel like youve seen a lot of media like this where a tournament is held for a bride’s hand, but usually these stories have a character whose father or culture or whatever says nope you dont get to choose, you gotta deal with the winner of whatever contest they set. but your story doesnt have that so i feel like you add a tournament just because youre like well other stories do that, so i gotta have a tournament to win a woman’s hand! and youre not thinking about what your story specifically needs. i think a lot better here would be a contest of some sort between the two twins and have it be a test of their natures. we know azure is gentlemanly and more reserved and crimson is hotheaded. so idk, do something where those two personality traits clash and the princess has to decide on whether she wants the kinder and more reserved person or the barsher, more energetic but also more chaotic person. just think about what your story needs and not what other stories have done The winner would receive Lady Bok’s hand in marriage. The people were thrilled about the news. Not necessarily because of Lady Bok, but due to how swordsmanship in the area worked, they were expecting quite the show.

Normally, Asian sword styles were similar to martial arts in that there were so many. Such was not the case for the people of Setuon Baelli. From their youth, boys (and girls if they so choose) would train in the same basic style, then when they manifest their inner power known as Chi, they are able to master certain elements. Some use regular elements such as fire and water (which conveniently was what Crimson and Azure have mastered, respectively), while there are those who mastered elements that many would find quite unusual. For example, Lady Bok was able to manipulate Cherry Blossoms, even though they are native to Japan. Once the sword user has invoked their Chi, they are encouraged to train further on their own, tuning a basic style into something truly unique to them. To witness a sword fight in Setuon Baelli was to see art in the form of Violence. exposition. tbh this is just too long. say sword fighters use elements. ideally, i think you shouldve established this earlier, having azure and crimson (and maybe Bok) use their powers in some other scene. readers are surprisingly easy to weird get into ideas, especially if theyre cool, so if you have a guy use magic water sword powers, most readers will go “HELL YEAH!!!!!!!” instead of going “huh what??? dats not how swords work.” so its usually better to just go for it, especially in flash, instead of doing dumb expositions dump like above

The day of the tournament came, and Bok peered out her window to see who would be fighting for her affection. She saw many rugged types, but also two men, who, while there were noticeable differences, appeared to be twins.

Could it be…? Bok thought. yes of course, isnt this the whole point? what if the twins just didnt show up? would her whole plan just not work? i dont wanna cinema sins ding you here, but like, i feel like your story doesnt know what its doing. the conflict isnt “i cant marry the man i love” its “i cant choose between the two men” but your story seems to think its the former. She ran to where the tournament was being held, and asked for a list of participants.

When looking at the list given to her, she saw many names. People who merely wanted to fight, those who wished to improve their standing in life…

And there she saw Dol Nyang, written twice. Both names were written in different handwriting.

Bok was in tears. On one hand, she was happy that the boys she played with long ago would remember their promise. On the other hand, she felt like her heart was in a knot, as there was a chance that at least one of them would die. She knew that she loved them both, and it pained her that if she was to marry one, the other could possibly be lost forever. cmon lady… wasnt this your whole idea? shes really not thinking this things through. look, ok, its fine to have characters be stupid and make mistakes, characters are people. but like… this is so easily foreseeable and so constructed. there doesnt need to be a tournament. theres no outside force causing this. this sort of turmoil feels constructed because, as readers, we know its a fake conflict. consider if, instead, the princess’s dad said, nope, you cannot marry those two, tradition holds you must have a contest where your suitors fight to the death and the princess is like oh no! i love both of these men! i dont want either of them to die! and like, sure thats fairly cliche, but its cliche because it works. things are outside the character’s control and so maybe the princess tries to find a way to convince a brother to give up, or to stop the contest, or to save their lives, or something that comes from this conflict instead of just passively watching the two people she loves fight to the death.

The tournament began. Those who spectated who wished to see art in blade form truly got their won’s worth. Not only was there Azure’s water and Crimson’s flames shown, but also elements such as earth, lightning, wind, even non-natural powers such as one who was able to summon multiple blades. Luckily, as Bok would attest, not only were the twins strong, but they were also clever. They were able to outmaneuver every opponent that they faced, making it so that the final battle would be brother against brother. that sounds cool, id like to see a fun contest of magic swordplay. maybe next time.

While Bok was pleased that the twins got that far, her heart sank knowing that if one brother would die, it would be by the other's blade. i mean… wouldnt she be sad that theyre dead? she loves these guys. its not like, man it sucks that these brothers are fighting each other to the death. its that she doesnt want either of them to die

The twins got into position, and the battle began. When looking at the elements, one might see those on display and believe it was decided beforehand. After all, water extinguishes even the toughest flame, right? this sentence is useless but i think it shows you thinking. thats good. This fight was not as straightforward. Their battle was as masterful as the most complex of dances, and it was clear that it was not their first “dance” together. They were brothers, and they fought as they were that close. Each of them knew each other’s tricks, and how to solve them. and then you dont describe it at all! like c’mon, im not a big action man, but give us something! give us some display of power, some display of cleverness. give the reader something! even if your story is boring generic trash, at least give us a cool sword fight for slogging through all the dull preamble.

Alas, not every sword fight could last forever, though it was obviously a war of attrition. In the end, as both brothers were in pain due to extending their Chi to their limits, they each released a burst of their respective elements. As the smoke cleared, both brothers at first still stood.

Then, Crimson dropped to the ground. It was over. this lands limply because we dont know Crimson, dont know his personality or why the princess cares about him. it also doesnt work because like, for the reader, there’s no distinction. this isnt a surprise nor an expected result. its just two blank people we’ve barely met fighting each other that the story has considered essentially equals, so it could go either way. and not either way in the sense that its tense and close, but either way in that well, either of them could win and i wouldnt care because none of them are different.

Immediately, Bok ran to Crimson, tears in her eyes. He was still alive, but not for long. Bok was crying next to Crimson when he spoke.

“Lady Bok… Was I strong?”

She nodded.

“That’s good.”

She kissed Crimson. She loved them both equally, but she wanted to make sure Crimson at least knew. Soon after, Azure kneeled next to Crimson as well.

“Take care of her,” Crimson said. “Or my spirit will kill you.” this line is your only characterizing moment that isnt generic or cliche. it shows personality (i read it comedically, which i think might actually be wrong and is supposed to be deadly serious, but /shrug) and what kind of person crimson is, which is joking even when dying, and i kind of sort of start to care.

“I will!” Said Azure, as he held Crimson’s hand. After that, Crimson’s flame was extinguished.

Thus begun a new age of prosperity in Setuon Baelli. man, this last line is a big slap in the face of crimson. rip to crimson but now everything is perfect with him dead. idk, id just cut this line and leave it on Crimson’s death.