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Ok guys who added viking funeral mode to autopilot?
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Feb 15, 2022 14:29
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My friend's husband works for Tesla and when I visited them last year, he told me Musky's new big challenge to his engineers was a car that could go from Paris to Beijing on an alternative fuel source. My suggestion of a Flintstones car was not deemed acceptable.
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Feb 15, 2022 14:53
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Colonel Cancer posted:Ok guys who added viking funeral mode to autopilot? Sorry I know that was only meant to be added to the premium autopilot service. I think it must of been accidentally added in with the regular autopilot service. Will change regular autopilot back to shallow grave in the nearest woods ASAP.
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Feb 15, 2022 15:30
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doingitwrong posted:The self driving sensor camera suite will generate NFTs of your Sunday cruise. Now every trip is a chance to profit. You mean 1/7th of your trips? Sunday cruise? What are you some kind of evangelical christian? We only allow evangelical muskists in this company
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Feb 15, 2022 15:41
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Zil posted:Like size-wise or duration of erection? Duration. We need to know who is the most excited to be driving their Tesla. Speaking of which, new feature: your car will now automatically post to all of your social media when you are driving. “Out for a ride in my Tesla Model Y Dual Motor”, “Loving the smooth ride and Full Self Driving of my Tesla”, “Elon Musk is a genius and should be exempt from workplace regulations”, stuff like that.
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Feb 15, 2022 16:08
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The cup holders are ergonomically designed to hold a glass of Chateau d'Yqem at the perfect angle to let it breathe. Please just don't look at our code.
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Feb 15, 2022 16:36
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Ive just completed a new software update that lets you play games on the windshield as a heads up display so drivers are less distracted and more engaged. Im going to add coins on the road soon to collect extra Tesla Points* that you can turn in for NFTs. You get extra points for collecting coins and power ups in other lanes - so pay attention!
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Feb 15, 2022 16:49
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SLICK GOKU BABY posted:Going to increase demand for Tesla cars by having them be able to mine Crypto. Sweet idea!! Tesla can even keep a small portion (35%) of any profits made by the
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Feb 15, 2022 17:24
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Noblesse Obliged posted:The car doesn’t go anywhere or do anything but shows a message when you get in that says “wherever you go, there you are” Goddam, this car was designed by SOCRATES!! Also, instead of rejection seats, or ejection seats, since we're talking about boners, how about ERECTION SEATS !!
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Feb 15, 2022 17:29
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Elon Musk visited the office today, and now I'm stuck trying to figure out how to turn a stick shift into a trackball mouse.
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Feb 15, 2022 17:37
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I feel like it would be better to have consumers subscribe to their batteries rather than buy them with the car. Of course they are still responsible for all repairs and maintenance. Even during the warranty, unless they purchase a separate battery warranty thats only good if the batteries are only slightly broken instead of being completely replaced. Also, they would need to pay a separate fee for labour to repair the batteries, we could call that a "service contract".
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Feb 15, 2022 20:54
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Air conditioning uses a lot of energy that reduces the distances our cars can travel. That is why we are now offering tiers of climate control for customers cars. The basic tier is no windows, no roof, no windshield, just the power of nature keeping you cool. The second tier will be a windshield. Third tier will a fully enclosed cabin with small fans that are powered by the passengers. Fourth tier will of course offer full climate control, but it must be subscribed to. Without an active subscription, the system will fall back to peddle power.
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Feb 15, 2022 21:01
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Let's use a LIDAR scan of Elon Musk as an Alexa-like in our cars, that way people can ask him to do a little jig on the screen!
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Feb 15, 2022 21:03
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wesleywillis posted:I feel like it would be better to have consumers subscribe to their batteries rather than buy them with the car. Hey rear end in a top hat, you stole my idea! I'm the genius who thought of this first posted:This is genius. We can then sell "Elan's Choice" branded "Battery Boosters" (30lb battery packs) when the onboard mining rigs septuple the energy consumption! I'm going straight to "The Big M" (we're friends and he lets me call him that) and he's going to fire your rear end! Good luck finding another job after my boy calls you a pedo on Twitter!
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Feb 15, 2022 21:55
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Getting rid of all the glass windows and just making a solid metal body, then using monitors to see the outside will reduce costs and increase safety. I saw this on the bridge on Star Trek. But what if the monitors break? No problem, full autopilot will still get you home safe. Trust the computer. Anyway, stop bogarting the cocaine tray. Pass that poo poo homie.
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Feb 15, 2022 22:03
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The glove compartment (aka, the "Grunk") comes pre-equipped with a booklet to provide law enforcement or court officers, laying out a legal argument that there is no constitutional basis for any law requiring attentiveness while driving. In order to ensure that the Grunk pamphlet and pamphlet pedestal installation does not reduce overall cargo space available to customers, a tiny hubcap trunk (aka, a "Hunk") has been installed between the wheel and hubcap of each passenger side tire assembly. A Tesla branded screwdriver compatible with the proprietary 17-point screw head used to open and shut the Hunk can be added as an option at the time of vehicle purchase for $250, or any time after purchase for $9000.
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Feb 15, 2022 22:09
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Thanks, Chet, that's great. Ok get this: same idea but it also communicates to the police why age-of-consent laws are bullshit. can we maybe loop the guy from Big Bang Theory in on this one, or maybe Charlie Kirk?
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Feb 15, 2022 22:24
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Tesluh.. uh... you got any gum??
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Feb 15, 2022 22:28
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INTERNAL MEMORANDUM To: Software Team From: Engineering Team Re: Exciting Opportunity for Upselling As you all know, we recently acquired a Model 3 to test, we've gotten extraordinary amounts of helpful data. While it would have been helpful for Musk to just give us a car, we all agree with his line of thinking that making us all pool our money together to buy one gives us more incentive to find issues with the vehicle. We used to not be unanimous in our agreement, but ever since we got Ricky fired for reporting to HR about the rope and shackles we put on his desk, we are now all on the same page. Anyway, this memo is to let you know of another issue we found on the car, which is actually an opportunity. Issue: The airbag material will deteriorate and fail if it is exposed to any interior cabin temperature shift of more than 20 degrees in a 20 minute period. Recommended action 1: Create an Evergreen Climate mode that slows the amount of time the cabin temperature can adjust to the user's preference if it requires a temperature shift out of that boundary. We can market this to the consumer as an energy/environment saving mode. Recommended action 2: Upsell on the notification screen for a 'Quick Mode' for a fee that will immediately deduct $10,000 from the customer's bank account. Legal/Accounting has estimated that the pool of money from this upcharge should cover liability fees.
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Feb 15, 2022 22:36
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Wilkins Micawber posted:Thanks, Chet, that's great. Ok get this: same idea but it also communicates to the police why age-of-consent laws are bullshit. can we maybe loop the guy from Big Bang Theory in on this one, or maybe Charlie Kirk? A life-sized hologram of Alan Dershowitz will appear from a projector installed in the steering column. As an easter egg, he will also have a special "fart mode".
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Feb 15, 2022 22:38
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Zil posted:Air conditioning uses a lot of energy that reduces the distances our cars can travel. That is why we are now offering tiers of climate control for customers cars. The basic tier is no windows, no roof, no windshield, just the power of nature keeping you cool. The second tier will be a windshield. Third tier will a fully enclosed cabin with small fans that are powered by the passengers. Fourth tier will of course offer full climate control, but it must be subscribed to. Without an active subscription, the system will fall back to peddle power. "Bruh, just bought a new 'Tezla' got the no AC version for only 500 extra. No ac because its bad for the environment. I'm doing my part for the environmet yo". *Eats organic, free range avocado imported from New Zealand on a container ship*
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Feb 15, 2022 22:49
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Why don't we replace the airbags with whorebags? For gently caress's sake Barry, go home. Just take some time off.
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Feb 15, 2022 22:50
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El Diablo Bob O posted:Hey rear end in a top hat, you stole my idea! Oh poo poo! My bad bro! Obviously though, its a good idea and such an OBVIOUS one at that. Like how can nobody else have done that yet? E: Also, we should sue the band TESLA for stealing our name, even though they've been around for like 40 years or whatever. wesleywillis fucked around with this message at 22:56 on Feb 15, 2022 |
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Feb 15, 2022 22:52
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Funky See Funky Do posted:Why don't we replace the airbags with whorebags? Okay, Barry's leave request was just approved, we need to demote him for not being a team player
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Feb 15, 2022 22:59
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A steering wheel that does not whiff out the window when I'm driving
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Feb 15, 2022 23:01
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Thought I would bring this up at the next board meeting. Why not move all production to South Africa?
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Feb 15, 2022 23:02
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Let's cut the battery in half, to save money and weight. Then let's put a diesel generator in the frunk and have it charge the battery. We'll sell it as the "infinite battery" model, but people will just put fuel in it. And they can get that diesel anywhere so we'll also call it "untethered" and charge $50,000 more.
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Feb 15, 2022 23:37
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With the doors that won't open and the massive fire risk, we've successfully reduced our liability in an AI crash from the driver and passengers to near zero. However, legal are worried about any surviving pedestrians or occupants of other vehicles. To resolve this, we've added extra crash sensors and power distribution circuits, and now, in the event of a crash, 100% of the available power will go to electrifying the outer body. As a bonus, loss of power will prevent OnStar summoning emergency services, and we've moved the car log data disk to the bodywork where the high voltage will destroy it, meaning should anyone somehow survive, they'll be unable to prove us at fault.
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Feb 15, 2022 23:43
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You know what these cars could really use? Built in car seats. But instead of putting them in the back seat like other car companies, we put them in the trunk instead.
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Feb 15, 2022 23:44
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Trollologist posted:Let's cut the battery in half, to save money and weight. Then let's put a diesel generator in the frunk and have it charge the battery. Sweet idea. We can even add a 5000 dollar option for a smoke tune, that way we can roll coal at "lesser" electric vehicles.
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Feb 15, 2022 23:44
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I think it's bullshit that retrograde traffic engineers are allowed to tell Musk's advanced Ai where it is or isn't allowed to go. Let machine learning figure out efficient traffic patterns. Where are the so called 'woke' liberals when I'm getting a traffic ticket for going down a one way street the so-called "wrong" way.
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Feb 15, 2022 23:57
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Now listen here boyos - I've a right proper idea. Let's plant or "install" some C4 under the driver's side seat? Now Seamus, we've been through this. The Trouble's are in the past and that's where we'll leave 'em! But the Engli... I said enough and I'll hear no more of it!
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Feb 15, 2022 23:59
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Guys. There's a problem with the cybertruck. No not the flat sheets showing dings. Not the windshield wiper problem either. No a new problem: it's not big enough. We need this thing to be the biggest motherfucker in the gym parking lot
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Feb 16, 2022 00:04
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Speleothing posted:No a new problem: it's not big enough. We need this thing to be the biggest motherfucker in the gym parking lot Look we don't really want to do all that much re-engineering on this can we just chuck one on top on another, cut a hole in the middle connect em, and call it the Cybertruck² or some gently caress?
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Feb 16, 2022 00:13
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I'm not cleaning my car in anticipation of a cyber truck showing up in my gym parking lot. It's gonna feel so good to throw all my trash into the bed of the cyber truck.
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Feb 16, 2022 00:25
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Instead of donating clothes at drop boxes, I'm gonna drive around until I see a cyber truck.
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Feb 16, 2022 00:26
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Listen up everyone, Neuralink is way ahead of us in ape deaths this quarter. We're gonna need to raise our numbers before the Technoking starts breathing down our necks. Can we start putting a chimp in the driver seat for every FSD test? That ought to help. If we can't kill enough chimps, how about some orphans? If we lose to Neuralink on chimps but we can show progress on orphans it might keep Elon happy.
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Feb 16, 2022 00:32
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wesleywillis posted:Sweet idea. We can even add a 5000 dollar option for a smoke tune, that way we can roll coal at "lesser" electric vehicles. It's even odds someone actually does this but with a smoke machine or something. Call the tech guys and some lawyers and get them on this immediately.
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Feb 16, 2022 00:57
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doingitwrong posted:I think it's bullshit that retrograde traffic engineers are allowed to tell Musk's advanced Ai where it is or isn't allowed to go. Let machine learning figure out efficient traffic patterns. "Officer, clearly this one way street identifies as a two way street, hey why have you taken that tazer out of its holst...aaAAAAAAAAHAHHHHHH!!!!"
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Feb 16, 2022 00:57
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Bad Purchase posted:Listen up everyone, Neuralink is way ahead of us in ape deaths this quarter. We're gonna need to raise our numbers before the Technoking starts breathing down our necks. Can we start putting a chimp in the driver seat for every FSD test? That ought to help. I'm sure elon can just use some
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Feb 16, 2022 01:00
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