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Update 28: You've been battling this alone for so long, so it's only fair that I can be a shoulder to cry on. 23. Our Next Chapter - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST  29. Out of Reach - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST Suddenly, I'm pulled out of my sleep by what appears to be sobbing. As I slowly fight the grogginess, I'm also aware of a slight dampness on my chest. I hate it when Sayori has a nightmare. The feeling of powerlessness, the sound of her tears, the look of anguish on her face...it always hits hard.   SAYORI: Why can't you hear me? ... I need you. Come back, please come back!  HISAO: Sayori? I gently shake her. HISAO: Ssh, Sayori, it's okay. I'm here. It's okay… I hold her as she carries on whimpering. She clings to me even harder, shaking with fear. I can only imagine what's going on inside her head. I fumble for my phone. The blinding glare tells me that it's 07:01. SAYORI: Hisao...? HISAO: It's me, Sayori. You were just having a nightmare. Don't worry, I've got you. I stroke her hair softly as her crying subsides. SAYORI: ...That was horrible… HISAO: What happened? She takes deep breaths and composes herself. SAYORI: Everything was so dark… You, Yuri, Monika, Natsuki...you were all there… But whenever I tried to talk to you, it was like there was an invisible bubble around me… None of you could hear me. But there was this shadowy figure that kept talking to me… Fresh tears fill her eyes once more. SAYORI: And it kept saying horrible, horrible things… It told me that I was useless, and that everyone would be so much better off if I wasn't around… That you'd be much happier with Yuri… And that therapy is pointless, and I'm just fighting a losing battle… It's nothing more than false hope, no matter how hard I try to believe otherwise. She sniffles. SAYORI: I tried calling out to you, to the girls, to anyone… But it was just me and the voice. Tormenting me, telling me everything that I've been trying hard so hard not to believe… It felt so real, Hisao, so real… Just when I thought things might have a chance of being okay again… I hate this! Why can't I just be normal! And it's already seven...ugh, I'm sorry Hisao, I just can't go to school today… HISAO: It's okay. I won't go either. SAYORI: H-Huh? But what about- HISAO: I couldn't care less about that. There's no way in hell that I'm going to leave you alone after what you've just experienced. I can miss the odd day off school, it's fine. She opens her mouth to protest, but upon seeing the steely resolution on my face, she reluctantly abates. HISAO: I'll get you some water. Be back in a second.  SAYORI: I don't know why I'm like this, Hisao. Why is it that something as stupid as a little nightmare makes me feel this bad? I was hoping that finally, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. But that was just naive of me, wasn't it? ... It's okay, you don't have to say anything, Hisao. I know you might feel like you have to say some magical words to make me feel better, but all you have to do is listen. ... What really hurt me was that voice telling me that you'd be much better off with Yuri as your girlfriend. I'm trying really hard to believe that I'm a good girlfriend, and that I'm worth your time, but… Those doubts are always there, in the back of my mind. I know you'd never break my trust, but I just wish I could convince my stupid brain to see it the same way… And it's so unfair, because I can see how hard you're trying. Please believe me when I say I really appreciate you, Hisao. But I'm just so scared that it might all be for nothing. HISAO: What do you mean? SAYORI: Well...what if I never get better? What if I'm always going to be like this? My pieces are all broken. You're trying so hard to put them back together, but what if you can't? What if you can't put them back together because some of them are gone? I don't have an answer for that. SAYORI: I hate feeling like this. Feeling like I've lost something, something that I'll never get back, no matter how good your support or how well therapy goes. I can't remember the last time I wasn't so tired, Hisao. That's the worst part about depression. The exhaustion that never goes away. An exhaustion that sleep can never fix. The only good thing about sleep is that it's an escape from my mind, at least for a few hours. Well, when I don't have nightmares... And I'm j-just so t-tired of it all. Tears slowly start leaking down her face once more. Her face looks utterly resigned. SAYORI: I wish that I c-could just wake up one day and actually have hope. She faces me with a sad smile. Her cheeks glisten with tears. SAYORI: Actual, genuine hope. A hope that maybe, just maybe, things might be okay. Just when I begin to think that could be true… Days like these happen. I hate these days. I hate these days so, so much. Therapy is already hard enough, and these nightmares make me feel like what little progress I've made has been reset. All of the doubts that I try so hard to keep in check break free and they're merciless. I wipe away a few of her tears and gently grasp her hands in mine. HISAO: We will get through this together, Sayori, just like I said. I don't care how long it takes, or what we have to endure. That's a promise. But I'm never going to stop until we see this through. She looks away. Why is it that I never feel like I'm actually getting through to her? I have to try and stay positive, for both of our sakes. Even though seeing her like this is one of the most demoralising things on the planet. HISAO: No matter what - you'll never be alone in dealing with this. And if your pieces are broken, we'll create new ones. I can imagine how hard it is for yo- SAYORI: Really, Hisao? How can you possibly know what it's like to feel how I'm feeling? HISAO: ... SAYORI: Exactly. You don't. You don't know what this feels like. The constant numbness, the constant feeling that no matter what I do, this shadow will always be here. Crying myself to sleep, waking up in tears, having to fake everything because you're terrified that people will see the real you. HISAO: But I've seen the real you, and- SAYORI: And you're still here and you're still trying to help. I get it. I really do. I know you're trying to help. But it's hard to see your encouragement as anything more than just empty words. This isn't something you can fix just by saying the right stuff. She bursts into tears once more. SAYORI: A-As much as I w-wish it was. I scoop her into a hug. She tries to push me away initially, but I hold firm, holding her closer to my chest. She eventually gives in and sobs unrestrainedly into my chest. SAYORI: I'm sc-scared, Hisao... I whisper softly in her ear as I gently stroke the back of her head. HISAO: I know, Sayori. I'm scared as well... We both fall silent, with the only sounds permeating the room being the sound of her anguished cries. HISAO: ...Sayori? She mumbles into my chest. HISAO: I'm sorry if I say the wrong things. I just...I just don't know what the right things to say and do are. This whole thing is just totally alien to me, and after you told me that my words are pretty much empty… Well, I'm starting to doubt everything. She winces slightly as she bites her lip. SAYORI: Sorry...I shouldn't have said that. It came out much harsher than I intended… I want to believe what you say. I really do. I know that I shouldn't feel jealous and that I shouldn't compare myself to the other girls… I want to believe all of the lovely, reassuring things you say to me. But I can't. I know that what you're saying makes sense, it's just...internalizing it is a whole other story. It's not your problem. It's all on me, being unable to get over this stupid thing. HISAO: Depression isn't just a 'stupid thing', though? It's a- SAYORI: I know it's much more than that, Hisao. I just can't help how angry it makes me. I just want to be normal, like everyone else… It's like I'm not in control of my own body. The depression is the one that chooses my mood for the day. It chooses how I react to things, and what I say. Like the day you made me breakfast. I really wish that I was appreciative from the start, instead of being irritated that you were in my room so early. It's so unfair. And I keep going on and on about it, and- HISAO: Don't ever apologize for venting about your depression, Sayori. I know that my words probably don't sound as reassuring and helpful as I want them to be, but one thing that'll never change will be my willingness to listen. You've been battling this alone for so long, so it's only fair that I can be a shoulder to cry on. Problem shared is a problem halved, right? Well...it's obviously not that simple in this case, but it's something...? She sniffles and nods slowly. SAYORI: It does help to at least be able to talk about it… HISAO: That's something, then. SAYORI: Having you around...as much as I don't think I deserve your support, it does make a difference. HISAO: That makes me happy, then. SAYORI: Really? HISAO: Yeah. It might not be a huge help, but it's still some help, surely? She pauses to reflect. SAYORI: ...Yeah, I guess so. She nods and shifts herself so that her head lies on my lap. Once she settles, I start absentmindedly stroking her hair. HISAO: My Mom told me there would be days like these. SAYORI: Hmm? HISAO: Oh...well, back in November, after our fight, I uh... Well, I was a bit lost. I didn't know who to turn to, so I asked Mom for advice. SAYORI: What did she say? HISAO: She said if you date someone with depression, you'll have good days, like the ones we've had before, and...bad days, like today, I guess. Sayori falls silent once more. She looks a little reflective, and thankfully doesn't seem to mind that I told Mom about her condition. SAYORI: Does she have depression herself? HISAO: Nope. She dated someone who had it in the past. It's kinda spooky how accurate her advice was. SAYORI: What was it? HISAO: She told me about how important it is to be patient and understanding, for a start. SAYORI: Which you have been. HISAO: Eh, I don't know. I still have no idea what I'm doing, and I don't really know if I'm saying or doing the right things... I thought I was, but after you told me that my words are just...empty, I'm starting to doubt everything. A lot of regret flashes across her face. SAYORI: Sorry...I didn't mean that… For what it's worth, you've been a great boyfriend, Hisao. It's just not fair on you. Your heart has always been in the right place, and you put up with my moods… Well, that's reassuring to hear, at least. SAYORI: And all I can do in return is snap at you for the smallest of things. HISAO: I knew it wasn't going to be easy. Mom did warn me. And being honest with you, it's times like these that make me realize just how serious depression is. But I'm glad I got the wakeup call sooner rather than later. Neither of us really know what we're doing, but at least we have each other, right? It's also our first relationship, so we've really been fighting an uphill battle from the start. I've definitely enjoyed my time with you so far, and you think I'm a good boyfriend, so we could be doing a lot worse. SAYORI: I don't know. Could we? I feel like our relationship has just been you putting up with me. Do we have a future together? Her words cut deep. Knowing that she has these doubts, especially this early on… HISAO: What do you think? Honest question. SAYORI: ...I don't know. HISAO: Do you want us to have a future together? SAYORI: ...Yes. So do I. But what about when we start our last year in school? Or when we leave school? What if you go to university and I don't? What if- HISAO: Sayori. Listen to me. Let's just take our relationship one day at a time, okay? You could probably drive yourself crazy by trying to predict the future. Do I know if we'll be together in a year? Truthfully, I don't. I have no clue what life will be like after school. But there's no point worrying about it now because it doesn't get you anywhere. SAYORI: ... Yeah, you're right… She gives a short, humorless laugh. SAYORI: I'm glad that one of us can think rationally~ HISAO: Naaaaah...remember how I thought we'd let a spirit loose in the classroom back in October? That was the polar opposite of rational, haha. SAYORI: I really enjoyed that day... It was nice to dress up in silly costumes and scare each other - a real throwback to our childhood. HISAO: Definitely a highlight of the year, along with Christmas. There's something really satisfying about seeing someone light up when they unwrap a present you've got them. I have the photo you gave me in my room, by the way. It always makes me smile whenever I see it. Even when you're not physically around, you still make me happy. Please don't forget that. SAYORI: ...Thank you, Hisao. I'll do my best.  The cyclical nature of depression can be intensely demoralizing. It’s subtle, it’s insidious, and it never really stops; it’s like there’s something in the back of your brain that quietly twists your thoughts – because that’s exactly what’s going on. Sometimes things get worse, but even during good times you can find your thoughts drifting down dangerous pass without your realizing it. The despair and hopelessness this realization brings can be almost as crushing as the symptoms themselves. Now, there are ways to keep those emotions under control. Social networks are vital, both for emotional support and giving you perspective; a sense of purpose, whether through a job or a hobby or a cause, can give you the fortitude to ignore them, and a comfortable environment and good medical treatment can reduce their impact. But none of those measures are particularly easy for a teenager already handling schooling hormones to establish, making this time of the depressed person’s life potentially very dangerous. It feels like it will last forever.Fortunately, usually (though not always) you get better at handling it as you get older. It’s less things get easier and more you learn how to handle it through brute experience. That’s not an option for Sayori now, though. 23. Our Next Chapter - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST  8. Student at Heart - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST  It's been about two weeks since that nightmare caused Sayori to have a breakdown. Thinking about that day still makes me feel really uneasy. That day was just...a brutal insight into what it's like inside her head. On the bright side, she's had a few sessions since then, with me accompanying her. As nice as Dr. Satoshi is, I can see why she was struggling - while he was tactful and diplomatic, some of his questions were rather invasive. Some details of her past treatment plan were also brought up, which undoubtedly served as a painful reminder for the poor girl. There were a few moments where she clearly looked uncomfortable - but after some hugs of reassurance and warm smiles, she slowly was able to relax again. Dr. Satoshi was really patient with us. I really appreciated how understanding he was. Anyway, at this point, Sayori has been prescribed antidepressants by her doctor, while Dr. Satoshi has also given her a diary, which she's meant to use by recording her happy and sad thoughts. By recording her sad thoughts, he's working with her to see whether those thoughts are supported by facts - basically trying to challenge her depressive thinking. I'm no expert, but it looks to me like that's the kind of therapy she needs. It's not been as simple as it might seem, but to me it looks like steady (but sure) progress is being made. To say the least - it's a huge relief. Either way, it's been really interesting to see what therapy really entails; definitely an eye-opening experience. Dr. Satoshi also quietly told me after we'd finished a session that me coming along had really made a difference with Sayori - she was more open and receptive when I was with her. Having a good support network is crucial to helping someone with depression, so he was glad that I was there for Sayori in that capacity. Well, that certainly put a relieved smile on my face as I was leaving that session. On the other hand, I think the other club members girls are starting to get a little more suspicious. There have been a few days where Sayori's depressive moods became a little more apparent in school, and they were concerned for her. Still, Sayori maintained her walls. I felt bad about how in the dark the other girls were, but it isn't my position to say what's going on. Hopefully Sayori will be comfortable telling them in her own time. Also, given it's now February, I've had to pay a little more attention to school matters - namely, the end of the semester next month. Sakurai has also been talking to students about their future plans. It's scary to think that next year is my final school year. He wants to see me after the lesson ends, so for what feels like the first time in forever, I've started to think about what I want to do after I leave school. As the bell rings, he calls me over.   SAKURAI: You have the same look that I had on my face when my homeroom teacher wanted to talk to me about my post-school plans, aha. I appreciate his use of humor in the situation. He's always been efficient at helping me feel at ease, especially in situations where I feel out of my depth. SAKURAI: If you don't know what you want to do, I wouldn't worry about it too much. After all, you're just a second year, so you do have another year to figure it out. Having said that, do you have any idea at all? HISAO: To be honest with you sir, I haven't really given it much thought at all. The past five months have been really...well, they haven't really given me much time to think about it. SAKURAI: Well, let's try this from another angle. Does higher education interest you at all? Going to university? Or would you perhaps be more inclined towards finding a job as soon as you leave school? I pause for a moment to think, trying to recollect what my parents used to tell me when we had this kind of conversation. HISAO: University sounds good. Although I'm not sure what I'd study. He nods approvingly. SAKURAI: You'll definitely find it easier to land a job if you have a degree under your belt. HISAO: That's good to know, then. All I have to do is pick a subject, I guess? SAKURAI: I know it can be a little daunting, especially when you aren't sure. My advice would be to go with a subject you enjoy and do well in. Far from me to be biased, but you are a rather talented historian… I chuckle. HISAO: What can you do with a history degree, though? SAKURAI: The skills you get from a history degree can transfer to a lot of other fields. A lot of historians that I knew went into journalism, academia, teaching or even the law. Obviously I'm not biased in any way, but history is the best subject to study. Speaking from personal experience, this is absolutely true. Studying history is at its heart analyzing the results of social trends accurately with incomplete information, and that’s a skill everybody wants. Too bad nobody outside the field believes it. HISAO: My science teachers say otherwise, sir. He grumbles to himself. SAKURAI: Those haughty scientists...if they could just pry themselves away from their Bunsen burners and glass vials for five minutes… Ahem… Anyway. It's good that you've at least got a vague idea of what you want to do. There's no rush or anything. Just take some time to think about what you'd like to study at university. We can always have another discussion later. HISAO: Will do, sir. Thank you. 6. Play With Us - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST  HISAO: Hey guys. Natsuki gives me a curt nod while Sayori gives me a wan smile. The door opens once more and Yuri walks in. Sayori's already weak smile wavers even further. She doesn't dislike her by any means, but it's clear that the jealousy is still an issue. I sigh inwardly. I have no clue on how to solve that issue, given I don't think Sayori is willing to disclose her depression with Yuri. HISAO: Everything alright, Monika? She finally drags her eyes off the screen and looks at me. It seems like she's only just realized I'm talking to her.  MONIKA: Yeah, sorry. Had to sort out some important emails. How're you? It's easy to spot from a mile off that her smile is forced. I decide not to push it. HISAO: Not bad, not bad. Sakurai was just talking to me about what my plans are after high school.  YURI: I think it's common practice for all of the teachers to ask their students, given we're second years and the end of the semester isn't so far off.  NATSUKI: Hah, bet that was fun. We don't have to bother with that stuff just yet. HISAO: Lucky. I still don't really know what I want to do… I told him I wanted to go to university, but I can't really decide what I want to do. Starting to realize that I probably should've given this more thought… MONIKA: That's a little irresponsible, Hisao. Your future holds so much weight, and time flies by so quickly. My face heats up a little from embarrassment. She's right, of course, but it seems like her judgment is coming out of nowhere… I look at Sayori, half expecting her to jump to my defence. She doesn't, though. Instead, she idly pokes at a spot at the table. The other girls look curiously at us - they can sense that something is up. I don't want to draw too much attention to Sayori, so I try to deflect their curiosity. How about you, Yuri? Any ideas? YURI: I decided that I want to study Japanese literature at university. HISAO: Fitting choice. Yuri smiles to herself. YURI: Huhu, I suppose it comes as a surprise to no one. I can imagine it would be both an exciting yet daunting experience. HISAO: University? YURI: Yes. On the one hand, there's the opportunity to meet many likeminded people, all with the same passion… Yet, there's so much independence, especially if you opt for a university far from home… And with that independence comes a lot of responsibility, and I'd imagine a fair degree of uncertainty… HISAO: Who knows what life will be like for all of us when we've left school? My question hangs in the air as the conversation lapses into silence. Monika mutters something under her breath. HISAO: How about you, Monika? I'd imagine you've got a lot of choice, given how you excel in pretty much every subject. She finally closes the laptop lid with a sigh. MONIKA: My parents have been hounding me with the exact same question for months now. I'll probably take over their business. There's a hint of what sounds like bitterness in her voice. Granted, I know very little about her life - well, at least anything beyond surface level - so it's a little baffling. MONIKA: We'll have to wait and see. An awkward silence descends upon the room. Clearly it isn't just me who detected Monika's slightly hostile tone. Luckily, Yuri breaks the silence. YURI: Are you alright, Sayori? You've been rather quiet. NATSUKI: Yeah, that's not like you at all. Even Monika glances over at Sayori's direction. SAYORI: Oh, I'm fine. Just kinda tired, that's all~ Don't worry about me. The other girls don't look convinced in the slightest, but they don't have much chance to press her as the lunch bell rings. I remember being in their position last semester… And boy do I not envy them. 25. Cinnamon - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST  As the end of the school day rolls around, I find myself wandering down the corridor, waiting for Sayori to finish. Along the way, I bump into Monika. MONIKA: Hey, Hisao. She keeps her voice low and quickly looks around before speaking. I can tell what she's going to ask me. MONIKA: Is Sayori okay? HISAO: She'll be fine. Just dealing with some stuff, that's all. MONIKA: Hmm. Compared to the last time she was acting off in school, you seem a lot less worried. HISAO: That was when I...knew less about her. She narrows her eyes at me. I guess what I said must've come across as pretty cryptic. MONIKA: Okay... Well, let me know if we can help in any way, okay? HISAO: 'We'?  MONIKA: The other club members. We are all friends after all, don't forget. HISAO: Oh, of course. What a stupid question, Hisao. HISAO: It's appreciated. I'll see what Sayori thinks. MONIKA: Okay then. Well, I'll see you later~ She walks off, and after a couple of moments, Sayori comes out of her class.  SAYORI: Sorry, I'm late~ HISAO: It's okay. Let's go. SAYORI: ...Do you know what was up with Monika? HISAO: Funny you mention her, because she just asked me what was up with you. SAYORI: Oh… What did you tell her? HISAO: Eh, just that you're dealing with some stuff. Didn't give any specifics. They're worried about you, though. Have you considered telling them? SAYORI: Eeeh...no, not really. HISAO: They're our friends, Sayori. They know something is up. SAYORI: I know, I know… I can sense that this isn't a topic Sayori wants to discuss any further. HISAO: Anyway, no, I don't know why Monika seemed so snappy at lunch. She mentioned her parents, so they're probably being a bit overbearing. Must be difficult to maintain that model student image. When you're at the top, the only place to go from there is down. Juggling academics with sports and other extracurriculars must be really stressful. I don't know how she does it, to be honest. I felt a little sorry for Natsuki, though. The conversation kinda excluded her. I know for sure that when I was a first year, post-school plans hadn't even crossed my mind. SAYORI: Yeah, I thought that too… Well, we'll make sure to include her next time. HISAO: Good shout. Falconier111 fucked around with this message at 14:58 on Jun 14, 2022 |
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Jun 13, 2022 21:58
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I find it kind of interesting that Sayori talks about depression as a separate, dissociated element of her self. I've tended to view my depression as pretty fully integrated into my self, and talking about my depression "doing" something "to" me is about as intuitive as talking about my sense of vision as an outside force. It's just a way to describe a part of my core personality.
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Jun 13, 2022 22:33
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Tulip posted:I find it kind of interesting that Sayori talks about depression as a separate, dissociated element of her self. I've tended to view my depression as pretty fully integrated into my self, and talking about my depression "doing" something "to" me is about as intuitive as talking about my sense of vision as an outside force. It's just a way to describe a part of my core personality. I get a lot of suicidal thoughts from mine, especially when I'm under stress. For that reason, I tend to think of my depression as my brain actively trying to kill me. It kind of ends up anthropomorphizing the condition in a way. I have the thoughts I want to have, which I identify as myself, and then I have the thoughts I don't want to have, which I identify as depression. Thankfully I don't get nightmares or anything like what was described in this update. Just a nearly constant whispering voice in my head telling me that I am worthless and that the world would be better off without me. The more stressed out I am, the worse it gets, which causes more stress, which causes... For me, it's why the condition is so exhausting. You don't just get up and go about your day. You get up, have an intrusive thought, spend effort countering it and reaffirming your self-worth, go do another task, deal with another intrusive thought, do another task, then another thought, and so on and so forth. It's a lot of mental effort to hit a baseline "normal" where you're not trapped in a downward spiral.
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Jun 13, 2022 22:55
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Yeah this kind of update is what I was expecting out of act 3: the ups & down of the relationship with depression and putting money where your mouth is about it. Glad the Yuri jealousy thing, if it has to be a thing, is still being acknowledged by both Sayori and finally Hisao, after his goofy display last time. I think your text dump was missing more spots than normal here quote:SAYORI: I don't know why I'm like this, Hisao. Why is it that something as stupid as a little nightmare makes me feel this bad? I was hoping that finally, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. But that was just naive of me, wasn't it? ... It's okay, you don't have to say anything, Hisao. I know you might feel like you have to say some magical words to make me feel better, but all you have to do is listen. ... What really hurt me was that voice telling me that you'd be much better off with Yuri as your girlfriend. I'm trying really hard to believe that I'm a good girlfriend, and that I'm worth your time, but… Those doubts are always there, in the back of my mind. I know you'd never break my trust, but I just wish I could convince my stupid brain to see it the same way… And it's so unfair, because I can see how hard you're trying. Please believe me when I say I really appreciate you, Hisao. But I'm just so scared that it might all be for nothing. What do you mean? Well...what if I never get better? What if I'm always going to be like this? My pieces are all broken. You're trying so hard to put them back together, but what if you can't? What if you can't put them back together because some of them are gone? quote:
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 quote:HISAO: Hey guys. Natsuki gives me a curt nod while Sayori gives me a wan smile. The door opens once more and Yuri walks in. Sayori's already weak smile wavers even further. She doesn't dislike her by any means, but it's clear that the jealousy is still an issue. I sigh inwardly. I have no clue on how to solve that issue, given I don't think Sayori is willing to disclose her depression with Yuri. quote:
Sayroi missing her portrait here
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Jun 13, 2022 22:56
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There are a lot of little things here that do a good job showing the kinds of difficulties one can experience being the partner of (or otherwise very close to) a person with severe depression. I'm honestly impressed, even though it still feels heavy-handed in places. I keep thinking I should write something about that, because I've seen a lot, but from my perspective it's going to sound a lot like "my partner is a saint for putting up with my bullshit all these years" and I'm not sure how helpful a thing that is to say. It is very often a difficult position to be in, because one of the things depression does (at least for me) is make it hard to believe positive statements about myself, or to believe people value my company. It's reached the point where we've developed a kind of shorthand, my partner will frequently say something like "you know that's your brainweasels talking" when I start going into a depressive spiral. And that does help, because neither of the major alternatives (either trying to deny I'm having the depressive feelings, or agreeing with and reinforcing them) are remotely helpful. Sometimes the best way to deal with depressive thoughts is just actively noticing them for what they are (and having another person to help identify them can be a very good thing). Explopyro fucked around with this message at 15:01 on Jun 14, 2022 |
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Jun 14, 2022 01:06
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Falconier111 posted:
Bolded section should be narrative, I think, breaking this into two lines.
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Jun 14, 2022 13:22
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Update 29: The last time I saw you, you were barely a teenager! I hope this one is edited properly  9. Family Bonds - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST_bonds  After dumping our things inside, I pull out my phone. I really should've talked to Mom a while ago, and I'm pretty sure she's gonna make me feel bad about it. ... HISAO: Hey, Mom.  MOM: Ah, Hisao! Nice of you to remember you have a mother. I wince slightly. I knew this was coming. HISAO: I know, I know...I really should've called you earlier. It's not that I didn't want to or anything. Anyway, Sayori is with me right now! Do you want to say hello? MOM: I'd love to. I press a button on my phone, which transforms the call into a video call.  MOM: My goodness, is that really you, Sayori? The last time I saw you, you were barely a teenager! Sayori laughs shyly. I guess I am putting her on the spot here a little… SAYORI: Hi! It's really nice to see you again! MOM: And you, dear. I hope Hisao has been treating you well? I shoot Sayori a desperate look. This could be a perfect opportunity to enact some revenge for all the times I teased her. SAYORI: Of course. He's been really good to me. MOM: That's lovely to hear. Looks like my little prince has truly matured! They share a laugh as I turn slightly red from embarrassment. HISAO: Mom! Really? 'Little prince'? MOM: I'm sorry, darling. I'm just so proud of you. HISAO: Well, at least we've established what Sayori is gonna be calling me for the next few days… They continue to giggle at my expense. MOM: He's always been like this, hasn't he? Quick to tease others, but once they do it to him, he gets all huffy. HISAO: Sayori, do not take her side. You're my girlfriend! She's trying - and failing - to keep a straight face. MOM: Okay, okay...no more teasing. Sorry, I just had to get you back for not calling me for so long! How did your December exams go? I briefly describe my results, along with Sakurai's comments. Well, that's reassuring to hear. I was worrying how you'd fare living by yourself, so I'm glad to hear that your academics are going well. Sakurai has a point, though. Your grades in math could be better, young man. Sayori, you're going to have to knock him into shape. He's always been bad with discipline. I snort in derision. HISAO: And you're asking Sayori of all people to help me with that? SAYORI: Hey! Mom sighs dramatically. MOM: Sorry, Sayori. He can be really mean sometimes, can't he? Must've got that from his father… There's an awkward silence. Things have been very rocky between Mom and Dad since the divorce. MOM: Oh, by the way, I've got some good news. We're almost finished dealing with this particular client, and I have no one else to deal with for a week. So I'm hoping to come and see you soon. My heart races. As much as I've loved being able to basically live with Sayori, seeing Mom again after so long would be really nice. HISAO: That's awesome, Mom! I'm really looking forward to it. MOM: Oh, I've been meaning to ask you - how ha- She's cut short by the sound of someone calling her. It sounds pretty urgent. MOM: Ah no, I was hoping I'd have more time to talk to you… Sorry darling, I'm going to have to go. We'll catch up properly - all three of us - when I come to visit you. Don't forget it's Valentine's Day coming up really soon, and I want to hear all about how you've been treating Sayori like a princess for it! She laughs softly and waves goodbye. ... (Phonecall End Click)  SAYORI: I forgot how nice your Mom is. HISAO: She was a lifesaver back in November after our fight… SAYORI: You're such a mommy's boy~ HISAO: Hey- SAYORI: It's a good thing, ehe. It's really cute. HISAO: I get the feeling you're mocking me, but because I know I can't win this battle I'll reluctantly concede… SAYORI: The Ice Queen wins again! HISAO: You're a real clown, you know that? SAYORI: True. But I'm your clown! HISAO: I preferred the one from that horror movie we watched with Yuri… Such a charmer~ 24. Skip - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST The rest of the day passes by relatively quickly. After finishing our homework, we spent the evening kicking back with some video games. This has been our routine for a while now - Sayori coming over, we finish our homework and then relax. It's simple, but effective. I'm glad that we're both happy just to sit back and relax in each other's company. Then again, Sayori has never been a high maintenance kind of girl. Watching her now, with her sky blue eyes narrowed in concentration… God, I love her. Is now the right time to say it, though? What if she doesn't feel the same way? That'd be a little awkward, to say the least. Nah, now isn't the time. HISAO: I was curious, Sayori. What do you want to do after you finish school? You didn't say anything at lunch. SAYORI: I don't really know. She sighs. SAYORI: I thought that going into therapy might be a good idea, but… No, forget it. It's a stupid idea. HISAO: Huh? It's not stupid at all! It is. I don't know if I'd even be any good at it. I can't even help myself, so how can I help others? HISAO: You're good at keeping the spirits high in the club, at least. People appreciate having you around and it's definitely more comfortable an atmosphere when you're there. SAYORI: It's one thing to keep peace in a high school club. But helping people with really big problems as a therapist… You know, the really horrible things that people have to live with. It's a whole other story. HISAO: Have you mentioned it to your teacher, at least? They might be able to point you in the right direction. She shrugs nonchalantly. SAYORI: I haven't, no. Truthfully, I haven't thought about the future much… Well, at least we're alike in that sense, although our reasoning for it is rather different. SAYORI: We've got plenty of time though, right? HISAO: Yeah, I guess we do. The conversation tails off into silence. I suppose thinking about the future is quite difficult for Sayori, so I make a mental note not to push it. HISAO: Anyway, it's getting late. Let's call it a night. SAYORI: Can I be the big spoon tonight? HISAO: Not sure how that'd work, but sure. 23. Our Next Chapter - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST  8. Student at Heart - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST As Sakurai finishes explaining the morning's task and settles down to mark some papers, I find myself absentmindedly fiddling with my pen. Pulling open my textbook, I flip to the relevant page. Suddenly, I'm aware of a poking sensation on my shoulder.  HISAO: Morning, Emi. Surprised you weren't late today.  EMI: Hey! It's not my fault track practice ran on for so long today… HISAO: I mean...isn't it? Don't you decide how many laps you run? EMI: Semantics, Hisao... I chuckle to myself. HISAO: If you say so. Anyway, you wouldn't happen to have any good Valentine's ideas, would you? Mom brought it up yesterday. I didn't realize how quickly Valentine's has come around this year… EMI: My boyfriend only got out of hospital a few days ago, so we're just taking things slow. I think he mentioned wanting to take me to a tea house, though. HISAO: Hospital? Is he alright? EMI: Yeah, just heart stuff. Anyway. What have you and Sayori got planned? HISAO: That's what I was asking you for, haha. Neither of us have really mentioned doing anything for it. I've never done anything for Valentine's before so I'm totally out of my depth here. Emi giggles. There's a playful, mocking air to her laughter. EMI: She's your girlfriend, Hisao. Shouldn't you know her the best? HISAO: ...Yeah, but… Relationships, man. They're confusing. EMI: Just ask her! Sometimes it doesn't hurt to be direct. Well, unless she's expecting a surprise from you, that is. Then...well, you're on your own there, hah. HISAO: Some help you are. What happened to female intuition? EMI: We can't give you all the answers, Hisao! Sometimes you've gotta work things out for yourself. Yeah, because me trying to figure out what the best thing to say and do in our relationship is going so well… HISAO: Life's unfair… Doki Doki Literature Club! OST - Okay, Everyone!  After class ends, I make my way to the clubroom. As I open the door, I realize that it's just Natsuki inside. When was the last time I even spoke to her alone? NATSUKI: Hey. HISAO: Afternoon. Listen, I need your help with something. She looks at me suspiciously. NATSUKI: With what? HISAO: Well, you're a girl, and – NATSUKI: Thanks for noticing. HISAO: And uh, well, where would a girl want to be taken for Valentine's Day? NATSUKI: ... And how long have you known Sayori for? Why does this sound so familiar? Is it really a crime for me to ask for some Valentine's suggestions? HISAO: A while, but in my defence, I've only been with her for what, two months? I was thinking of like...some kinda restaurant, but I dunno which ones are good or not… The door opens and Monika and Yuri walk in. MONIKA: What were you two talking about? I glance desperately at Natsuki, hoping she doesn't expose me in front of everyone. NATSUKI: Hisao was asking me where he should take his girlfriend for Valentine's Day. I groan. HISAO: Geez, when you put it like that… I just needed some pointers, that's all…  The door opens a second time and Sayori wanders in. If it were down to me, I wouldn't even bother. Valentine's is pointless. All that sappy stuff...yuck. People hugging and kissing in public, giving each other sappy cards...no thanks. YURI: It's quite a romantic day, though. People telling their partners how much they mean to them, all the little gifts, the thoughtfulness… NATSUKI: Yeah, it's great if you like that, but keep it away from me. Something else I don't get is that Valentine's is supposed to be a day where you show your love for your partner, blablabla… But aren't you meant to do that every day? ... NATSUKI: Thought so. HISAO: ...So it's safe to say that Cupid didn't shoot you with any arrows this year then, huh? She glares at me as Sayori giggles. SAYORI: We all know you're a softie at heart, Natsuki! NATSUKI: I am not! SAYORI: There's nothing wrong with admitting it~ Just wait until you get a boyfriend. As we're digging into our food, Monika taps me on the shoulder. MONIKA: I think I might have a solution to your crisis. HISAO: Oh? MONIKA: There's a really nice restaurant in town that I went to last year, with the debate club. It's called the Amber Beehive, and their food is really good. It's a little on the formal side, though. So you'd probably have to wear something smart. See if Sayori has a dress or something. HISAO: Seems kinda...sophisticated, aha. Would they take a bunch of teenagers? MONIKA: Of course they would. Why wouldn't they? HISAO: Well, the formal dress code and all...wouldn't we feel really out of place? Sorry, I'm just uh...well, as you can see, new to dating and all that… MONIKA: It's okay, aha. Don't overthink it, though. Just see it as a fancy date, that's all. I'm sure Sayori would like it as well. I think the music will really suit the atmosphere. Pretty jazzy. HISAO: Thanks, then. I'll look into it tonight. MONIKA: That's okay. Sayori will be impressed - and don't worry, I won't tell her you got the idea from me~ HISAO: You're a lifesaver, Monika. MONIKA: Don't mention it. Oh, I forgot to say... I'm sorry for snapping at you at lunchtime yesterday. Parents… HISAO: That's okay - I imagined you had a lot on your plate. Besides, you've rescued my Valentine's, so you've redeemed yourself. MONIKA: Aha, that's good to hear. Oh, and by the way - you can never go wrong with the fried squid. HISAO: Duly noted. Maybe I'll be able to salvage this Valentine's after all… 25. Cinnamon - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST  HISAO: So… Uh… What are our Valentine's plans? ... ...Sayori? Her sprite jumps. SAYORI: Huh? Oh, sorry, I was spacing out… I don't know, to be honest? I haven't really given it much thought. HISAO: Oh, whew. I'm glad it isn't just me. I was worrying you'd have expected me to have something planned. What with this being my first relationship and all, I'm hardly experienced in that department… She giggles softly at my sheepishness. SAYORI: Don't worry about it, Hisao. We can just play it by ear tomorrow. HISAO: Winging it, eh? Yeah, that sounds more like me. SAYORI: Anyway, I've been really lagging behind with homework. I've got a LOT to do, so do you mind if we don't spend this evening together? Well, this is convenient - now I can look up bookings for the restaurant without giving away the surprise. HISAO: Oh, sure. I was just about to say the same thing, actually. I'll see you tomorrow, then? SAYORI: Okay~ See you later, Hisao. She gives me a quick kiss and heads off inside. As I settle into the sofa, I quickly notice that the living room lights are on. There's also some sound coming from the kitchen. That's weird - there's no reason for anything to be making noise in the kitchen, and I always turn the lights off in the living room before I go to school… In an attempt to stop the sudden bout of panic, I force myself to rationalize the situation. It can't be a burglar, because they wouldn't make this much noise… So that must mean… HISAO: Hello? Anyone here? 9. Family Bonds - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST_bonds A familiar voice greets me back. ???: Hisao? Is that you?  HISAO: Mom! A huge grin forms on my face as I spot my Mom emerging from the kitchen, a warm smile on her face. I rush forward and embrace her. It feels so good to have her back… HISAO: I didn't know you were coming today! MOM: I wanted to keep it a surprise, dear. We let go and she looks me over. I'm so sorry that you've been alone for so long. I tried so hard to come back earlier, but business was having none of it. HISAO: It's okay. I'm just glad you're here now. I sniff the air. Something smells delicious. HISAO: Are you making something? MOM: Yes - teriyaki, one of your favorites! HISAO: You're the best. Seriously. MOM: Always nice to be reminded. It's almost ready. HISAO: I'll give you a hand. She ruffles my hair. MOM: It's okay, sweetheart. My treat for you. There isn't much left to do, anyway. HISAO: Are you sure? MOM: Positive. It's only as I'm wolfing my food down do I realize how hungry I am. Mom's cooking has always been incredible, too. MOM: Enjoying yourself, I see. HISAO: Can you blame me? I haven't met anyone who can cook better than you can. She laughs heartily. MOM: So, let's have that long awaited catch up. Tell me about how everything has been since you joined that club. I finish eating and push my plate away. Sighing contentedly, I pat my stomach. HISAO: Well, as you know, it all started when I saw Sayori on the sidewalk… Once I start, it's almost impossible to stop. There's so much to say, so much to describe… Now that we aren't limited by short phone calls, I can finally go into detail into what life's been like since September. After describing the first few days, I recall how the festival went. She shakes her head as I recall how those inconsiderate pricks acted. MOM: Unbelievable. Some people just have absolutely no respect. HISAO: No kidding. The worst part was that it caused Natsuki and Monika to have a really bad argument… I quickly go over that, not wanting to dwell too much on the fight. It's still something I'd rather forget. Mom smiles as I recount how my feelings for Sayori started to blossom. HISAO: Oh, and then there was Halloween! We all dressed up, broke into school, wrote some spooky poems and summoned a Shinto spirit! MOM: ...You did what now? HISAO: Uh...dressed up? MOM: Not that. HISAO: Wrote some spooky poems? MOM: You know what I'm referring to! HISAO: Oh, the breaking into school thing… She doesn't look very impressed. HISAO: Come on Mom, it was just a bit of harmless fun! MOM: Didn't you say you called a spirit over? HISAO: Okay, maybe not entirely harmless then. But for what it's worth, we all had fun, and it was a really nice bonding experience! She sighs under her breath. MOM: Teenagers these days get their enjoyment from the weirdest things… HISAO: Okay, so maybe playing around with a Ouija board wasn't the wisest idea… But hey, it'll be a good story for my kids, right? MOM: If you say so, Hisao. Anyway, so then when November rolled around… ... The rest of the evening rolls around. We've both had a lot to talk about, and the time has really flown. She yawns. MOM: Well, it definitely sounds like you've had a hectic past few months. Girls, Secret Santas and Shinto ghosts. What a mix… Anyway, I'm still quite tired from my flight, so I'm going to have an early night. I'll be around for a while, so we can always carry on tomorrow. HISAO: Yeah, sure thing. I've got a lot of homework to be getting on with anyway, so that's fine. MOM: Good boy. I love you, Hisao. HISAO: Love you too, Mom. Seeya tomorrow. 7. Free Time - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST After grabbing a drink from the kitchen, I walk over to my bag and pull out the relevant textbooks. Let's get this over with. Just as I'm about to begin, I feel my phone buzz.  chat window posted:Yuri: Evening, Hisao. Do you have any plans for this evening? I pause with my fingers hovering over the screen. Sayori never said that I couldn't hang out with Yuri - and I don't think that she's the controlling type… But even though I know I'm not doing anything inherently wrong by spending time with Yuri… I can't help but feel like I'd make Sayori's jealousy worse if I did… But then again, I did say that I'd help Yuri out with her loneliness. Although this was before I knew the impact it'd have on Sayori. Gahhh… chat window posted:Hisao: nah it's okay, there's a lot to do but I can handle it There's a pause in her reply. … chat window posted:Yuri: It's okay, Hisao. Hope you have a pleasant evening. I can't help but feel guilty as I put my phone away. I hope she doesn't think I'm ignoring her. Given her personality, it's definitely possible. Why can't this just be...simple? And not so complicated? You'd think that for my first relationship, life would be nice and not throw me into the deep end… I mull it over as I finish the rest of my homework.  I climb into bed, feeling exhausted. Today wasn't a taxing day, at least physically. From a mental perspective, it's a whole other story. I still wish that I could do much more for Sayori, and the uncertainty on how to deal with Yuri isn't helping. Still, it's nice to know that I'm not alone in the house. It'll probably be worth talking to Mom about the whole situation with Sayori tomorrow. I probably should've talked to Mom a little more. She's been in my exact same position before… Ah well. Better late than never, right?
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Jun 16, 2022 23:12
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Disability Corner: Silences Graduate school was… Interesting. I didn’t go into a history program because I wanted to make money and neither does anybody else; it’s a more use degree than most people realize, but that only goes as far as hiring managers care, you know? On the one hand, the stress overwhelmed me and led to me developing long-term physical and mental health problems, but on the other I learned a substantial fraction of my classmates memorized every line of Hamilton shortly after it came out. I also picked up a bunch of theory and practice around the study of not just history, per se, but how human societies develop and process information – including the concept of silences. We’ll get back to that in a bit, but first, thought experiment. Let’s say you’re a young white local librarian somewhere in the rural South several decades after the Civil War. You aren’t that special: you’re not a great person, per se, but you’re not an awful person either. You’re a product of your place and time, and though you love knowledge as much as any good librarian, you hold similar beliefs to the people around you. Like many librarians, you’re charged with storing and protecting local records– some court documents to genealogies to donated diaries – and you take that job very seriously. Like much of the rural South, your township contains a few former plantations, and both the plantation owners and the slaves that worked there still live in your community. You don’t have close ties to either group, you come from a different social class, but you’ve seen them on the street. But the war was decades ago, and both groups are dying out. So you make your first big project as local librarian collecting and storing documents from both sides. Well, that’s the idea. The planters are much friendlier. They eagerly volunteer to help; nothing would make them happier than making sure their stories are told. They give you diaries, old records, even let you interview them and paint elegant portraits of their bygone glory days. You walk away with as much is you can handle. The slaves, though? Well, lots of planters lost their land during the war, but there was never a concerted effort to redistribute plantations. The former slaves may have been free, but most of them transitioned into sharecropping on the same land for lack of better options, not exactly the kind of profession that leaves extensive written records behind. Many former slaves never learned how to read, so not many diaries or letters; they usually didn’t have enough money to get into business, so few old financial records; being poor and black locked them out of local social life, so not much in the news. And, well… You’re not a bad person, but you’re not a great person either, and a product of your place and time. Even if you don’t hate them or anything, you’re not too keen on spending time with colored folks. By the time you get back to the library, you have sheaves of well-preserved, high-quality documents from the planter families and a few dingy letters and old papers from the people they held in bondage. Knowing full well which of them anyone’ll bother to look at, you put the former items in secure storage were on display and the latter in the back archives somewhere, content you’ve done your bit to preserve your town history. Half a century passes. You’re no spring chicken and your memory is starting to go, but you’re still in charge of the town library. The civil rights movement is well underway, and in response (whether the response is positive or negative), plantation tourism is on the rise. A local concern buys up the former plantation to turn it into a tourist trap, and they turn to you for research materials. You’re not a great person, but you’re not a bad person either; you make sure to give them everything you have so they can make as fair and complete an experience as possible. Well, you try to make sure. The planters’ stuff, you know where everything is and make it freely available. But where was the rest, again? You know you put the letters in a few drawers in the backroom, but you just can’t remember which ones. You had a few certificates of freedom in the basement, but that flooded 30 years back when the WPA was building infrastructure in the area; you couldn’t save anything and ended up having to throw all the documents (and there were plenty) down there away. All you can find are a ratty old journal, some newspaper clippings, and a few contracts, which you dutifully bundle in. You present your findings to the local concern, stay in touch, are invited along on the very first tour, and realize they completely ignored the few documents you presented them that didn’t paint the plantation owners in the best possible light. The affair has an almost masturbatory quality, praising the planters the high heavens and painting people you knew weren’t enchanted with their masters – you read their documents – as happy in slavery. You consider speaking up, trying to set the record straight a bit, but look around you at a sea of white faces and… Well, you’re not a bad person, but you’re not a great person either. So you stay silent. Now, sometimes people accuse historians of twisting information and furthering some agenda when they present a new theory. The phrase “just the facts” gets thrown around a lot. I dream of one day being asked to give someone “just the facts”. In my dream world, I will drive them down to the local courthouse, pull out a book court records at least 100 years old, and read it aloud from the beginning until they tell me to shut the gently caress up. “Just the facts” is meaningless because there’s a lot of those things running around; what they really mean is “just the IMPORTANT facts”, the stuff you need to understand everything without getting lost in the weeds. That’s a nice sentiment, but it has two issues. One: presenting only the facts you know are important is actually an absolutely awful way to teach history; it’s boring, it’s stressful, and it lacks any of the context necessary to understand how the past worked on anything more than a surface level. Turns out, nobody cares about important events unless those events are important to them. They actually proved this in the 90’s, surveying and interviewing hundreds of Americans on what they thought and value about the past (I highly recommend that book for anyone interested, and not just because it accidentally predicted Facebook Memories). No one agrees on which events are important and insisting your favorite facts are the most important tells people less about the past and more about you. And that leads to problem number two: at some point, someone has to decide which facts are important. Someone has to decide a particular English nobleman was the greatest writer of his age, even though his best friend’s wife wrote a book single-handedly founding two whole genres of fiction. Someone has to decide what parts of his life most affected his poetry, and whether or not that includes his sexuality – this was a guy who empirically tested whether he was gay or not by touring the Mediterranean, decided he liked women enough to found a personal brothel, and then was found by his friends in a gutter in Venice after he had so much sex the dehydration nearly killed him. Someone has to decide whether or not to talk about his daughter, raised to spite him so emphatically she invented computer programming. Someone has to decide to put his earlier career above his statebuilding in the Greek War of Independence, where he was so successful and accomplished as a diplomat and leader he nearly made it on to the throne of the new nation. Lord Byron did all of these things, but the average short biography you find on a book cover or website or something will brush over everything I brought up, even though the way more interesting Byron I described is more likely to stick in your head. Every point in the process of studying history, from writing down first-hand accounts to theory crafting, involves filtering out unimportant details. At every step, information is lost as people die or forget, records decay in archives, and an old analysis is eclipsed by new analysis until it leaves public (or at least scholarly) memory. And bit by bit whatever information ends up deemed unimportant gets buried for forgotten, regardless of how valuable it actually is. “Silence” is the technical term for the gaps in the historical record left by lost information, and to some extent they’re a necessary evil. No archives in the world has enough funding and storage space to properly contain and index every document that might match its mission. Even if it does, archivists fight a constant running battle against paper-eating vermin and fungi, environmental damage, equipment failure, careless visiting researchers, and simple human error. No one’s good enough to win every battle, and even if they were, archivists only have so much input over what they take in or how researchers use it. You can only preserve what you think is important. Trouble is, “important” is a value judgment vulnerable to bias or outside pressure. Those things push archivists to discard or deprioritize sources that call something important into question or offer a perspective they (or their employers) don’t want to hear – and with those records obscured, hard-to-find, damaged, or just not present, the information they have may as well be lost. Records of Black life in the South vanish into moth-bitten backrooms or sit in attics where Black social historians would never happen to look. Records of genocide are quietly burned so the rest of the world has to guess what happened. Seminal books by early feminist authors are disposed of by private collectors who don’t know the names on the covers. Textbook writers only pull on the sources they know, justifying keeping other information out by treating stuff they don’t know as new information introduced to throw them off their game. Every failure compounds every other failure until the vast majority of information available portrays whoever dominated society as good and common and powerful. Dissenting views are swept under the rug or deemed untrue because they don’t match that narrative, not because they’re actually true or not. Historians are intimately aware of silences and their effects. It’s part of why you see professional historians these days going hard in minority history or talking about “the secret life of” whatever; the field’s developed techniques for spotting silences and finding lost sources. That and those are the books that tend to get published, but they get published because that’s where the field of historiography’s currently driving. The trouble is, silences aren’t limited to the field of history, their inherent to records in general, the way we enter and store information. And silences are intensely familiar to anyone who tries to make a broad study of disability in culture. Think about it like this: if you were an American and went through any kind of primary or secondary education on minority history, did they tell you that Franklin Delano Roosevelt was the first disabled US president? Dude suffered from about as bad a case of long polio as you could get without severely shortening your lifespan, he spent much of his political career and four terms as president in a wheelchair. Most American schoolchildren will hear this maybe once before the fact gets buried under the sheer weight of information that comes with the American obsession with World War II. Part of this silence comes out of his own efforts; he felt that fact wouldn’t help his efforts and hid it from public view as much as he could. Lack of relevant primary sources: check. Part of it stems from just how much information there is for kids to memorize, leaving something that’s ultimately almost a trivia question in the dust. Overabundance of other sources: check. Part of it has to do with history buffs and archivists alike focusing on the military and ideological elements of the period over personal aspects (unless they’re flashy war stories). De-prioritizing preservation of information less frequently called upon, prioritizing certain materials above others because of public prominence or pressure: check and check. That information didn’t vanish, we still know enough about his condition to suspect his case of polio may have been another paralytic disease, it’s just that the scattered way that information was recorded makes it much harder for us to build theories and rediscover our history. Like, did FDR’s experience with disability inform the ways he structured the New Deal to give disabled people educations and jobs? We don’t really know. We can guess, but any records we had on the subject have long been buried and would require enormous amounts of digging to locate. That lack makes it hard for scholars and activists to connect those dots, which makes things that maybe while to understand our past obscure to us. The same happened to countless other disabled figures, burying their connections to us, wherever they happen to fall in life; it furthers the idea that we aren’t a community, just a bunch of isolated sick people instead of a group with a coherent identity and shared past. Because as obscure as these silences are, puncturing them is necessary if we want to have that identity. People have been disabled since the dawn of time, and disabled people have faced discrimination and prejudice for almost as long. Banding together in a movement gives us a voice, a chance to force the world to adjust its thinking by weight of numbers. It gives us the chance to define ourselves and bring others around to that definition. But identities are built on shared experience, and you need to be able to point to those experiences in order to share them. So much of our past has been lost to apathy or contempt, and we kind of need to rescue our heritage to point out the fact that yes, we do have a heritage. And identifying and excavating silences is part of how we prove it.
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Jun 18, 2022 18:36
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See, this right here? This is why I'm still on this forum over 13 years after I originally paid my  . Where else can I read an incredibly interesting and insightful essay on a subject that doesn't explicitly intersect my professional life, on a Saturday evening?
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Jun 19, 2022 01:44
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Update 30: I thought you two would be glued together. 23. Our Next Chapter - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST  9. Family Bonds - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST_bonds I wake up the next morning to the sound of activity coming from downstairs. I almost forgot that Mom is an early riser. That's something I definitely didn't inherit from her. I yawn and stretch, checking the time. Huh. 10 AM. Looks like it isn't so early after all.  HISAO: Morning, Mom. MOM: You're up early. HISAO: Ha ha, very funny. I've been up before noon loads of times, actually. MOM: Looks like you really have changed while I've been gone, eh? Rolling my eyes at her little jab, I notice the abundance of food on the kitchen table. MOM: So, it's Valentine's today! What have you got planned with Sayori? Taking a seat, I opt for the jam toast. HISAO: Eh, I dunno. Monika mentioned this fancy restaurant in town, so I thought I'd take Sayori there. MOM: Which one? HISAO: Errr….Amber Beehive, I think it's called? MOM: Amber Beehive, Amber Beehive...hmm… HISAO: She said it's jazzy? Leans on the formal side, too? MOM: Ah yes, I know it now! Monika has good taste. Sayori will love it! HISAO: Good, good. We could do with a nice day after everything that's happened so far… MOM: Oh? Everything okay? HISAO: We can talk about it when I get back, if that's okay? Kinda wanna focus on the positives today… MOM: Of course. Today will be a great day, don't you worry. She smiles encouragingly at me. HISAO: I hope so. Anyway, what are you going to do today? MOM: Well, it's been such a long time since I've been home that I've almost forgotten what free time feels like! This country and its work ethic… Anyway, I figured I could start with some housekeeping. You've let this place get a little dusty and messy, young man! HISAO: Sorry. It's never been my strong suite. MOM: There's also some business things I have to sort out, but thankfully I can do those on my laptop. HISAO: Even when you're at home you can't really catch a break, can you? She smiles ruefully. MOM: Adult life, Hisao. Now, haven't you got a certain someone to see? HISAO: I'm on it, haha. After freshening up and shooting Sayori a text, I make my way over to her house. (Silence)  Hey, Sayori. She's on the bed, sitting up. There's a pen and paper in her hands, and it looks like she's writing a poem. SAYORI: Hi, Hisao. What do you want to do today, then? Ah, about that… Uhm… This must be really disappointing to hear, so I'm sorry… HISAO: What is it? SAYORI: I'm not really in the mood to hang out today. There's just some things that I need to think about, and I don't want to be distracted. It's nothing personal! I try my best to fight off the sinking feeling of disappointment. HISAO: Nah, it's cool. Don't worry about it, okay? Just give me a shout if you want to talk, alright? You know where I am. SAYORI: I know it's Valentine's today, so it's really selfish of me, but- HISAO: It's fine, really. Not selfish at all. I'd much rather you did what you wanted to do, instead of you feeling like you have to come out or anything. We can always hang out another day. SAYORI: Thank you, Hisao. You've always been really understanding… HISAO: It's the least I can do. Anyway, I'll leave you to it. 11. Pensive - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST Well, that changes things a bit. I'm a little downhearted - I know Sayori loves romance, and today would've been the perfect day to show her how much she means to me. Granted, the decision has been made. At least I can talk it over with Mom.  Mom's sitting at the kitchen table, beavering away on her laptop. She looks surprised. MOM: You're back early? I slide into the chair opposite her. HISAO: Yeah. Sayori doesn't really feel like hanging out today. Said there's some stuff she needs to think about, so I left her to it. I bury my face in my hands. When Mom speaks, her tone is gentle. MOM: It's not easy, is it? HISAO: It really isn't. I know you warned me about it, and I thought I was prepared, but… I never really know what to do. I like to think that I'm making a positive difference, but I don't know anymore… MOM: What makes you doubt that? HISAO: Well...she kinda snapped at me once when I told her I knew how she felt. Said that I couldn't possibly know what depression feels like, and that my words are just empty. But she also says that it's helpful having me around, and that me just being able to listen does make a difference. So I really don't know. MOM: For what it's worth, darling, you're doing your best, and that's all we can ask for. Take today, for example. You wanted to spend the day with her, right? Take her to a nice restaurant? You were looking forward to it. HISAO: Mmm. MOM: But even though she wasn't up for it, you didn't get angry at her or hold it against her. You were understanding and let her do what she wanted to do. That's precisely the kind of patience and understanding I was talking about back in November. She said it herself - she values having you around, and whether you realize it or not, you have made life that much better for her. HISAO: Nah, I've made it worse in some ways… MOM: How so? HISAO: Oh, I forgot to tell you… You know Yuri, right? We went Christmas shopping with each other in December, and I saw her in the park once, after Sayori and I had a falling out. We've grown a little closer, and Yuri confided that she's really lonely. I agreed to spend more time with her, and totally didn't factor in how Sayori would feel about it. MOM: Ah...jealousy, I assume? HISAO: Yeah. I'm an idiot. How did I not realize that would happen? I was so inconsiderate. MOM: Not inconsiderate at all, sweetie. Your heart's always in the right place. You just wanted to help a friend in need, and there's nothing wrong with that. HISAO: But now I'm in this really weird situation. I want to spend time with Yuri because I hate the thought of her being lonely, but I don't want to make Sayori feel any worse. Sayori didn't tell me that I couldn't hang out with Yuri or anything. She's not like that at all. I sigh. HISAO: And I can't tell Yuri about why I can't hang out with her because I don't want her to find out about Sayori's depression. Girls. Mom laughs softly. She puts a reassuring hand on my shoulder. MOM: Well, let's try looking at this from another angle. She's agreed to try therapy, right? How's that going? HISAO: When I was there, it was going well, I guess? Her therapist is really nice. Never insensitive with his questioning, and she's working well with him. She's on anti-depressants now, and she's started going to therapy sessions alone. MOM: That's excellent news, sweetie! That's a really big step to make, so the fact she's made it is really promising. From my own experience, that independence is really important. You can't always be there for your partner, and at the end of the day, they're the one who has to learn to deal with their depression. When I was dating Shinji, we found that his depression was easier to manage after he had attended a few sessions by himself. You said that she has a really good therapist, so have faith, darling. It's a long, slow process, but it sounds like she's made good progress already. HISAO: Sheesh, Mom. You sound like a psychologist yourself. MOM: Aha, well, I did take some psychology modules while I was at university, you know. My experience with depression really opened my eyes to mental health. Route writers continue to get As on all the homework they’re doing, but they’ve been doing a specific kind of homework. There’s some dummied-out text left in the files where the protagonists mom mentions she’s been keeping up her studies in her spare time over the years, which makes a lot of sense, because her advice here reflects a different kind of psych education than she would’ve gotten in school if she’s old enough to have a high school-age kid. For the last few decades, mental health research has been dominated by the search for biological sources of mental health disorders, with… Questionable results. This worldview underpins everything from fruitless haunts for miracle cures to aspects of antivax to overprescription and gets a lot of people hurt or killed. Things are shifting now, partly due to neurodiversity’s influence and partly from within the field, like in schizophrenia research right now, but when she was in college she probably would’ve been taught to see things in terms of diagnoses, prescriptions, and permanent solutions. Her advice, though, reflects a much more modern understanding of mental health, one that hints she’s been reading stuff by both scientists and neurodivergents on the Internet (which is basically my approach).Either that or the writers just projected the stuff they went back several decades, but while I don’t always cut them much slack in my commentary I’ll absolutely give them the benefit of the doubt here. This isn’t the kind information you just stumble across doing practical research. 9. Family Bonds - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST_bonds HISAO: Funny you mention that, because I was considering going into psychology at university. Sakurai was asking me about my future plans. MOM: Well, if it's what you're interested in and your grades are good enough, I'd encourage you to, Hisao. Especially in a country like this one, which has some...pretty unhelpful attitudes when it comes to mental health. HISAO: Yeah, it seems like a good choice, right? I've still got time, but I figured it'd be helpful to start thinking about my post-school plans now. She nods approvingly. MOM: Yes, that's definitely a smart thing to do. What about the other girls? After I fill her in, she fits back, looking thoughtful. I can really see where I got my reflective side from. MOM: You'll all have to study really hard next year. That exam that you take at the end of high school is so important in determining which university you get into. HISAO: Yeah, so I've heard. Sakurai mentioned it, too. MOM: But you're a bright boy, so I know you can do it. Of course, with me raising you, you could hardly go wrong, could you? We share a chuckle. Mom has always been really good at making me feel safe and secure. HISAO: Thanks, Mom. For everything. ... I don't know where I'd be without you. MOM: Nothing to thank me for. I'm your mother - it's my job! HISAO: Seriously. Having you around again has made such a difference. I just wish you could be around more often. MOM: Me too, Hisao, me too. I always felt guilty being so far away from home, especially when you were struggling to deal with Sayori. HISAO: It's not your fault. Life wasn't exactly going to be easy after the divorce, was it? You're doing your best. MOM: Aha, isn't that exactly what I said to you just now? I see you inherited my positivity. HISAO: Sayori called me a momma's boy, funnily enough. MOM: Well she isn't wrong, now is she? I grin. HISAO: Nope. MOM: Anyway, I was thinking we could go for a walk to town. There's a really nice cafe that one of my work friends recommended. It'll be good to get out of the house - the fresh air will do you good, too. HISAO: Can we swing by that restaurant Monika recommended? I just want to see what it's like, y'know, just in case I want to take Sayori there another day. MOM: Of course we can. White Day is only a month away, so who knows - perhaps you'll spend the day there? HISAO: I'd forgotten about White Day! MOM: You typically get a lot of chocolate, so it's one of my favorite days. HISAO: Aaaaah, so there you were, berating me for gorging on chocolate when it's you that I got my sweet tooth from! MOM: I hope you've been eating healthily while I've been away, young man! HISAO: Eeeeeh...have you ever heard that phrase? 'What you don't know won't hurt you?' MOM: I'll take that as a no, then. HISAO: Ignorance is bliss, Mom! MOM: You should consider yourself lucky that Sayori doesn't expect you to cook her food, Hisao. HISAO: Funny you mention that, actually. Natsuki is really into food, so if I dated her instead… Man, she'd grill me. No pun intended. She laughs softly, shaking her head. 23. Our Next Chapter - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST  9. Family Bonds - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST_bonds After waking up and completing my morning routine, I perch onto the couch, idly flicking through the programmes on television. I think Sayori has a therapy session today, though I'm unsure of the time. Probably best to find out what's going on. chat window posted:
 Mom's sitting nearby, typing away on her laptop. HISAO: It's kinda weird. MOM: What is? HISAO: Not spending the day with Sayori. This is the first weekend since we've started dating that we haven't spent with each other. MOM: Hang on - why exactly aren't you guys spending today with each other? I thought you two would be glued together. HISAO: Oh, she has a therapy session today. Remember how I told you yesterday that she was considering going to the sessions alone? She just texted me to tell me she's gonna do just that. MOM: Ah, that's excellent news! It sounds like she's doing really well. HISAO: Mmmhm. MOM: The fact she's going alone is good for your relationship, too. It's healthy to do things away from your partner. HISAO: Is it? God, that really shows how much I know. MOM: Yep. It's important to remember that even though you're together, you still have your own lives to live. I know it probably feels like you want to spend every moment with her, but it's good to have little breaks. Yeah but… I'm bored. I don't know what to do. MOM: The joys of free time, aha. Don't you have any homework to be getting on with? HISAO: Nah, I did it on Friday. MOM: ...Wait, you doing homework on a Friday evening? That really doesn't sound like you at all… I remember how you always used to leave it for Sunday evening. Am I really talking to my son? HISAO: And there I was thinking you'd commend me for doing it so early. What a cruel world I live in. MOM: What about your video games? If I recall correctly, they're the reason why you leave your homework for the last minute. HISAO: That's a good idea, actually. Problem is, I don't know what to play. Mom rolls her eyes. MOM: Don't you have a whole library of games? HISAO: Hmm...depends if you count DLC… MOM: DLC? HISAO: Basically it's short for downloadable content, which- Am I really going to try and explain the nuances of video gaming to my mom? HISAO: ...Nevermind. Yeah, I'll go see what I can find. After spending a good five minutes trying to decide which game to play, I eventually settled for Banjo Kazooie. I had a lot of fun just watching Sayori play it, so I figured it'd be a good choice. Man, Sayori got pretty far. I forgot how much she enjoys the game. Maybe I could lend it to her, given I don't really play it by myself? I have plenty of other titles on my computer to choose from, so it's not like I'd be strapped for choice. Might be worth bringing it up the next time I see her. After some time, mom comes downstairs, calling my name. MOM: You've got a text, Hisao. HISAO: From Sayori? MOM: No, from Yuri. You left your phone in the bathroom. HISAO: Oh, so that's where it was. Oops. I take the phone. chat window posted:Yuri: Hello, Hisao. Are you up to much today? There's a pause. I can tell that she's working up the courage to ask me to do something with her. ... chat window posted:Yuri: Well, I found another good book that I think you might enjoy. I don't really know how to reply. I'd just told her that I was free, so I can't fall back on the classic homework excuse… chat window posted:Hisao: Ah, I can't, sorry... I feel absolutely awful as I type that out. Yuri must suspect that something's amiss. I went from encouraging her to open up to me and spend time with me, to suddenly rejecting her advances. My only hope is that she doesn't think it's because I don't like her or anything like that. chat window posted:Yuri: Ah, okay...well, I'm sorry to bother you then. I hope you have a nice catch up. She doesn't reply. I slide my phone back into my pocket and run my face through my hands. Everything okay? HISAO: That's a good question. I stand up, pulling on my coat. HISAO: I'm gonna go for a walk. Need to clear my head. Mom looks surprised but doesn't press it. MOM: Wrap up warm. 11. Pensive - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST  After settling down on a bench, I cast my eyes to the pond. The gentle cyan hue the pond possesses is pleasant to look at, but although it's soothing for the eyes, it does little for my racing mind. Maybe it's worth talking to Sayori about how to deal with Yuri? Causing tension with Sayori is the last thing I want, though, especially as it looks like she's making progress with therapy. Then again, I don't exactly want to lose Yuri as a friend, do I? It would be really awkward and unfortunate if any resentment was bred between the two girls. Hmm… As my musings carry on, I hear a voice call my name. ???: Hisao? My head jerks up. I immediately recognise the owner of that voice. If this is who I hope it isn't, the following conversation is going to be very awkward.  My fears are confirmed as a familiar set of flowing purple locks make their way into my view. HISAO: Ah...uh, hey, Yuri. She looks around. YURI: Are you by yourself? Yeah, why? 14. Festival... - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST As soon as I speak, I realize the error that I've just made. A hint of sadness and doubt flashes on Yuri's face. YURI: ...I thought that you were with your mother? Well, I'm screwed. HISAO: Uh- YURI: Hisao, why are you avoiding me? If you don't want to spend time with me, that's all you had to say. It wouldn't surprise me at all. HISAO: No, Yuri, please...it's not like that. I do like you, and I do enjoy our time together, it's just… I run an aggravated hand through my hair. It's so frustrating not being able to tell her the truth, especially when she sees this so differently. YURI: Just what, Hisao? You can tell me if you'd rather I left you alone… While I'm trying to figure out what to say, Yuri presses forward. YURI: ...Is it me? HISAO: No! It's...w- YURI: You told me that I could come to you if I were feeling lonely. ...Were you just saying what I wanted to hear? HISAO: No! I meant that! I still do, it's just… ...It's complicated, Yuri, and… ...I can't really tell you. That sounded absolutely pathetic. Yuri doesn't look impressed nor convinced. YURI: I'm sorry for bothering you, Hisao, I truly am. It's probably for the best that I leave you to it, then. As frustration floods through my body, she turns around to leave. Just what the hell am I even meant to do anymore?! chat window posted:
Are you sure about that, Sayori? chat window posted:Sayori: just finished the therapy session and needed some time to think about it I'm praying that she has some positive news. I'm not sure I could stand any more strife today… 24. Skip - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST There's a note on the table from Mom. She's gone out to get some groceries. Well, at least this affords Sayori and I some privacy. I hear a knock on the door. I let Sayori in and we both take a seat.  HISAO: Hey, Sayori. How'd your session go today? SAYORI: It was pretty helpful. The sessions on the whole have been much more helpful than I thought they could be. HISAO: Oh? SAYORI: Yeah...recently, Dr. Satoshi has been helping me put things into perspective. I'm starting to realize that...well, maybe things aren't as bad as they seem. He helped me see the progress that I've made so far. HISAO: Like coming to therapy? SAYORI: That's part of it. Coming to the sessions in the first place was a really big step. Something I wouldn't have been able to do last year. For the past few sessions he's been challenging the depressive thinking that I had. And helping me to see the reality of things. That it's okay to ask for help. And thanks to the antidepressants, I'm able to see things a little more clearly. It's not exactly easy, and sometimes I get frustrated at how slow the progress is… But he reminded me that we are making progress. Slow but steady, he said. And he praised me for having the courage to come to the sessions alone. HISAO: Yeah, I'm really proud of you for that! You're doing really well. She smiles tentatively. SAYORI: And it's something I'm slowly coming to terms with. Obviously, we're not rainbows and butterflies just yet, but I'm not having nightmares as often. And my general mood these days is much better than it was before we started hanging about again. The powerful feeling of relief coursing through my body feels rewarding beyond belief. Just when I was thinking everything was so bleak, and we weren't getting anywhere… SAYORI: Anyway, so he suggested that I tell the others about my depression. HISAO: Oh, so that's the thing you wanted my input on? SAYORI: Yeah. But I don't know if I should tell them. HISAO: Why not? SAYORI: Well, I'm kinda worried that it might change how the club feels? I don't want any special treatment or anything… And there's no telling how they might react. On the other hand, having to act cheery all the time around them is so exhausting. HISAO: And if you tell them, you won't have to hide anything anymore. SAYORI: And that would make life a lot easier. Being able to come to school and not worry about accidentally letting the mask slip. HISAO: Hmmm...yeah, I can see that there's a lot to think about and consider. For what it's worth, though, I don't think it'll change the atmosphere of the club, to be honest. They're our friends, Sayori. And yeah, they might be a bit unsure of how to react. But I didn't know how to react when you told me, but we're still best friends, right? SAYORI: Yeah, that's true! I didn't think of that. Hmm… HISAO: I think it'd be a good idea to, but I'm not going to talk you into anything. It's entirely your decision to make and I'll respect whatever you pick. SAYORI: Okay. Thanks, Hisao. I'll think about it tonight and see how I feel tomorrow. HISAO: Sounds good. She notices the games console lying on the floor, and the controller by the sofa. SAYORI: Hey, hang on! Were you playing without me? HISAO: Guilty as charged. Sorry, haha. I was bored. She heads toward the television and powers up the console. SAYORI: I hope you haven't got too far! That was my save file, meanie! HISAO: Play it and find out.  The door opens and Mom trails in, carrying a bunch of bags. MOM: My goodness, Sayori. It's been so long! I know we spoke on the phone, but actually seeing you in person is a whole other story. SAYORI: It's really nice to see you too! They share a hug. Some people might find that weird, but to me it's perfectly normal. Mom always loved having Sayori over when we were kids. She was almost like a daughter to her. MOM: Hisao told me about the club that you invited him to. He says your poems are amazing, so you'll have to show me sometime! SAYORI: Ehe, well...they're not that good. MOM: I bet they're wonderful, Sayori. Anyway, I'll be fixing lunch for us, so please give me a shout if you need anything. SAYORI: Oh it's okay, you don't need to make me food- MOM: Don't be silly dear, it's my treat. Don't you worry. HISAO: You, objecting to free food? What have you done to the Sayori I know? Sayori opens her mouth to protest, but upon realizing that she can't win this war on two fronts, she closes it pouts[sic]. SAYORI: Very funny. Falconier111 fucked around with this message at 23:57 on Jun 22, 2022 |
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Jun 20, 2022 23:44
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Falconier111 posted:The powerful feeling of relief coursing through my body feels rewarding beyond belief. Just when I was thinking everything was so bleak, and we weren't getting anywhere… Anyway, so he suggested that I tell the others about my depression. Couple of missing Sayori portraits here
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Jun 21, 2022 02:27
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Actually experiencing positive effects from anti-depressants, drat. That must be nice.
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Jun 21, 2022 11:34
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The timeline of Sayori's recovery here feels unrealistic to me, and I think that's worth talking about. One of the things that was stressed to me constantly, back when I was trying antidepressants, is that it takes a while to even be able to tell whether they're helping (and you need to take the drugs consistently to build up the level in your system): I remember having to give each drug 4-6 weeks at minimum before reassessing. And then, if you decide it doesn't work (whether because it's not helping, or because it's having an unpleasant side effect), you need to wean off gradually rather than just stopping, which makes it take even longer to transition to trying the next one. This is an unpleasant process even if you roll the natural 20 and have a good result from the first drug you try (among other things, you still have to figure out the right dosage). Not only is this a frustrating process of trial and error, by definition the drugs change your mental state, so it's hard to properly assess what they're doing and if there's any improvement. (And then, situational factors in depression are also a thing, so you have to factor in whether the rest of your life is throwing in confounding variables.) It isn't unheard of to start feeling better very quickly, but even then the early days on a medication are a tumultuous state of flux and it's hard to tell what is or isn't a placebo effect. (I did have that experience, once, one of the earlier drugs I tried made me feel better almost immediately, it just turned out to give me such awful headaches that taking it didn't actually improve my life...) This is a long-winded way of saying that this game's presenting a very rosy, almost propagandistic view of psychiatry, and that the reality is a lot more messy. I appreciate what it's trying to do, but I also think it's worth pushing back a bit rather than letting it give anyone too much false hope.
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Jun 22, 2022 01:25
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Explopyro posted:(explanation of the mechanics of antidepressants) This is kind of fascinating from a pharmacological perspective. Background: I started experiencing depression / depressive episodes with the odd bout of anxiety thrown in starting in my third year of university, and continuing through my graduate program. (I have a suspicion that I inherited the tendency for this from one side of my family; I also have a suspicion that the intense workload of 3rd/4th year courses may have done my head in in some indefinable way.) I then spent several years not realizing I had depression. Once I figured it out, I ended up looking around for solutions and found 5-HTP. 5-HTP (5-hydroxytryptophan) is a modified version of the amino acid tryptophan. Your body metabolizes it into serotonin, and it can get into the brain. So taking one is basically airdropping a bunch of serotonin into your brain. The catch: 5-HTP is sold over the counter, so it doesn't really come with a user's manual, apart from what I could google up about drug interactions (don't take with antidepressants, antiepileptic medications, or some cough syrups - there may be others) and not taking too many too quickly. So I had to figure out how to use it. I ended up using it as "point defense"; when I determined I was experiencing a depressive or anxious episode, I'd take one. What came as a surprise was that it acted very quickly, roughly on the order of 30 minutes after taking one. Fortunately, my head seems to be of the type where once serotonin is airdropped in, it'll let it hang around and I'll start feeling... OK again. But it's interesting that antidepressants and 5-HTP act on the same mechanism, but they do so so relatively quickly vs. slowly. (PS: Once things were controlled there I was able to address some underlying confounding factors, like my sleep schedule. I'm doing well now. And if something goes wrong I can contain it in a hurry.) PPS to Falconier: do not archive this, please
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Jun 23, 2022 05:29
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Update 31: I figured it was only fair that you knew. 23. Our Next Chapter - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST  25. Cinnamon - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST After completing my morning routine, I find myself waiting by Sayori's house. As much as I enjoy having Mom back, the only downside of having her around is that Sayori and I weren't able to spend the night together. On the flipside, Mom made me some yummy food to eat, so at least I've got something to look forward to at lunchtime.  Sayori closes her front door and walks up to me with a smile on her face. HISAO: Morning, Sayori. SAYORI: Good morning~ She gives me a quick peck on the lips. SAYORI: I've been thinking about everything we talked about last night. HISAO: ...And? She faces me with a look of determined resolution on her face.  SAYORI: I'm going to let the others know. HISAO: Yeah? SAYORI: Mmm. They're my friends, just like you are, right? I was thinking about all of the happy times we've shared as a club, both before and after you joined. The club has always been a place where I felt safe. Hanging out during Halloween, having loads of fun… Sharing gifts at Christmas, seeing how thoughtful everyone was… It really hit me when I was thinking last night. So yeah. I'm ready. HISAO: I'm with you all the way, Sayori. Let's do it. 8. Student at Heart - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST Lunch couldn't come by any slower. I'm idly staring at the clock, marvelling at how slowly the hands are moving. ...Although I can't help but be a little nervous. The situation between Yuri and I remains awkward, and I haven't told Sayori about what happened before she texted me. I just hope Yuri will understand when Sayori tells her what's going on. She's always struck me as the understanding type, so I just hope she won't hold anything against me… ... Finally, the bell rings. Doki Doki Literature Club! OST - Okay, Everyone!  I'm the first one in the club. Not surprising, given Sakurai let us out a little bit early. As I pull out my containers of food from my bag and settle down, Sayori and Natsuki walk in, chatting amongst themselves. HISAO: Oh hey, Sayori - I forgot to tell you - Mom made you some food too. Here. I push a container of pre-made food toward her, causing her eyes to widen. SAYORI: Awww, she didn't have to! HISAO: You know what my Mom is like, haha. NATSUKI: Any for me? The sarcasm in Natsuki's voice makes us laugh. HISAO: You're the chef, Natsuki. Do you really need it? She rolls her eyes and mutters something under her breath at my little quip. Meanwhile, Sayori wastes no time digging into the food. Within seconds almost half of it has disappeared. SAYORI: Mmmm, phwease tell 'er mmmthat tihsis rearry good! HISAO: Swallow, then try again. SAYORI: Sorry, sorry... Please tell her that this is really good! She's the best chef I know! Natsuki bristles in her seat, causing Sayori to giggle. SAYORI: Second best, Natsuki! Second best! NATSUKI: Better… Monika enters the room, an apologetic look on her face. MONIKA: Sorry I'm late… NATSUKI: We're just having lunch, Monika. It's not a club session or anything, you know. SAYORI: Where's Yuri? MONIKA: Oh, I saw her on my way here. She was headed to the bathroom, so she'll probably be here soon. SAYORI: Anyway, guys… I uhm...have something I want to tell you. NATSUKI: You're pregnant? Sayori goes bright red and I freeze. Monika quickly admonishes Natsuki, but I could've sworn I heard a laugh. SAYORI: ...! HISAO: Geez, Natsuki! What do you think I am? ... Actually, don't answer that. Carry on, Sayori. SAYORI: Actually, I should probably wait until Yuri is here. MONIKA: Something tells me this is important… SAYORI: Ehe, you could say that… A few more minutes pass as we carry on eating. There's still no sign of Yuri. HISAO: Kinda weird that Yuri is taking this long, don't you think? NATSUKI: Yeah, it is. SAYORI: Should I go and see if she's okay? HISAO: Not a bad idea. NATSUKI: So, this big reveal… Can we get a hint? HISAO: Sorry. My lips are sealed. MONIKA: You're normally quite the joker, so this really must be something serious, huh? HISAO: It's not really my place to say, that's all. NATSUKI: Alright then. Keep your secrets. MONIKA: Oh by the way - how was your Valentine's, Hisao? Did you take her to the Beehive? HISAO: Ah yeah...about that. It's uh… a long story, but no, I didn't. My Mom came home that weekend though, and I got to spend time with her again. NATSUKI: Did you take her to the restaurant instead? HISAO: Yeah, totally. I proposed to her as well. I roll my eyes. MONIKA: Oh yeah - I remember you said a while ago that you live alone these days, right? HISAO: Well, back before I got with Sayori, haha. We had a good catch up session. Told her about what life's been like for the past...half a year. Man, it's been almost six months already? Time flies. Anyway, to answer your question - I guess Valentine's was pretty good, yeah. Although not for the obvious reason, haha. NATSUKI: Momma's boy. I throw my hands up dramatically. HISAO: Sayori said the exact same thing! I'm not a momma's boy. Right, Monika? Monika is spared from answering as Sayori comes back into the room, looking worried. SAYORI: I couldn't find her in the girl's toilets… MONIKA: That's odd. Has she ever missed a lunchtime with us before? NATSUKI: Don't think so. Internally, I'm beginning to worry. I hope that I didn't make Yuri feel unwelcome at the club or anything… NATSUKI: Anyway, what did you want to say, Sayori? The suspense is killing me. And you can just tell Yuri when you see her. SAYORI: 1 Okay, okay… (Silence) SAYORI: Well, there's no real easy way to put this… She looks at me, and I shoot her a reassuring smile. SAYORI: It might come as a surprise to you guys, but… She takes a deep breath. Doki Doki Literature Club! OST - My Feelings  SAYORI: I've been struggling with depression for years. The effect is instantaneous. From the look of shock on their faces, neither girl was expecting to hear that. MONIKA: What? NATSUKI: What? You? SAYORI: Mmm. NATSUKI: ...But you always look so...I dunno, cheerful? SAYORI: It's just the way I learned to deal with it, I guess. I always want others to be happy, so I made that my priority. MONIKA: ...Sayori, I had no idea. NATSUKI: Yeah, neither did I. Geez, this was just so… HISAO: Out of the blue? Both girls nod. They're clearly trying hard to process what they've just been told. Is this how I looked when Sayori told me, all those months ago? HISAO: That's how I felt when I found out, too. Never saw it coming, eh? SAYORI: I always tried really hard to I've always struggled to accept other people's help. Having them worry about me used to be something I hated. I'm still not entirely comfortable with it, but thanks to Hisao's support, and the therapy I've been to… It's helped me see that it's okay to talk to people about it. And you guys are my friends, so I figured it was only fair that you knew. Silence falls upon the room. It's a tad awkward. NATSUKI: Geez, I still don't know what to say. I'm glad that you're able to talk to us about it, but being honest with you, I don't really know much about mental health… Sayori laughs softly. SAYORI: It's fine, Natsuki. I know none of us are professionals. The only thing I want is that...well, I don't want the atmosphere of the club to change or anything. I just want things to carry on as usual. No special treatment or anything. MONIKA: I don't think the club will change at all, Sayori. Don't worry. HISAO: Yeah, that's exactly what I said. SAYORI: I guess that was just an irrational thought then, ehe… MONIKA: Well, I'm happy that you feel comfortable here with us, Sayori. That must've been difficult for you to admit, so kudos to you. SAYORI: Yeah...thanks, Monika. And you too, Natsuki! HISAO: Wow, I see how it is.  Laughter emanates throughout the room. SAYORI: Oh, you know I mean you too, Hisao! She exhales slowly. SAYORI: It felt really good to let that out. Thanks for everything, guys. For understanding, for putting up with me, for- NATSUKI: For putting up with Hisao? HISAO: Hey! The lunch bell rings, cutting short our banter. Well, that went pretty well. Well, if we don't account for Yuri… 39. Doux-Amer - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST  Finally, the end of the school day arrives. I wander over to Sayori's classroom. As she walks out of her classroom and greets me, I also spot Yuri. Her eyes are glued to the floor. I nudge Sayori and point to Yuri. SAYORI: Oh, there she is! HISAO: Sayori, wait! But she's already walked up to her. I hasten after her. SAYORI: Hey, Yuri! Yuri jumps up. Her hands immediately dart to her left arm. SAYORI: We couldn't find you at lunch! Is everything alright? YURI: Y-Yes, thanks for asking. I...had some errands t-to attend to. Sorry for m-missing it… HISAO: Nothing to apologize for, don't worry. Upon seeing me, the tension in the atmosphere multiplies by tenfold. Sayori looks inquisitively at us both. YURI: A-Ah, well, I must be going now, so I'll- HISAO: Yuri, we need to talk. And by we, I mean Sayori and I. There's...something you need to know. YURI: Oh - so now you want to talk, do you? When it suits you? HISAO: Yuri, please. I'm really sorry about Sunday - but this is why I want to talk to you - so we can clear everything up. SAYORI: What are you guys talking about? HISAO: Let's just discuss it somewhere a little quieter, okay? Yuri still looks rather upset, although she gives a curt nod and allows me to lead the way.  HISAO: Thanks, Yuri. I appreciate it. She doesn't say anything. Sensing the gravity of the situation, I carry on. HISAO: Look, there's no easy way of saying this. We mentioned it to Natsuki and Monika at lunch, and they didn't really know how to respond. I glance at Sayori, who gives me a nod. HISAO: Sayori has depression, Yuri. And it's something she's been struggling with for a while. Unlike the other two girls, Yuri doesn't react strongly. Her face does soften slightly. YURI: ...I had a shrewd suspicion that was the case, to be honest with you. HISAO: What? Really? She exhales and closes her eyes for a few seconds. YURI: Yes. However, for obvious reasons, I didn't want to say anything. SAYORI: I didn't think anyone would be able to guess... YURI: Well, I suspected it after I put all of the little clues together. The Fairy Tale poem, the way you acted on the day you presented it, your Halloween poem… My suspicions were further roused when Hisao talked to me about the fight he had with you… I've seen people worry about their friends before, but he seemed especially concerned. When you started missing days off school, that's when the pieces all started to fall into place.  She looks away. YURI: Can I ask you a question, Hisao? One that I need an honest answer to? HISAO: Of course you can. YURI: When you told me that I could come to you if I was lonely...did you actually m-mean it? HISAO: I did, yes. And I- SAYORI: Wait, hang on, guys! Is it just me or am I missing something here? HISAO: Oh, sorry, yeah… I describe what happened over the weekend. Sayori's face goes from surprised to ashamed as I speak. HISAO: So it wasn't that I was trying to avoid you or anything, Yuri. I do enjoy spending time with you, like I said, and you're a good friend. It's just… I glance at Sayori. I know that no matter how gently I put this, Sayori is going to feel like she stopped me from hanging out with Yuri. SAYORI: I was really stupid, Yuri. It's not his fault. It's mine. She sighs. SAYORI: I was really jealous when I heard about you guys spending time with each other. And it was really wrong of me to feel that way. I was really s-selfish… SAYORI: The last thing that I wanted to do was get in the way of the friendship between you two… I'm an awful friend… And I'm so s-sorry… A few tears streak down her face and she sniffles.  I reach out to hug her, but Yuri beats me to it. It's a touching moment - especially with the gentle, concerned look on Yuri's face. After a couple of moments, they break apart. YURI: Sayori. Her tone is tender, although I can hear an element of certainty in it. YURI: You are not an awful friend. You're one of the best friends that I've ever had. Please don't feel bad. I can only imagine how difficult depression is to deal with, and I don't blame you in the slightest for feeling the way you did. You have nothing to apologize for. If anything, it should be me. SAYORI: You? Of course n-not! Yuri, loneliness is a h-horrible thing to live with, so I can totally u-understand why you reached out to Hisao! YURI: Perhaps, but I was rather inconsiderate in how I didn't think about the impact it would have on you, especially as I suspected you had depression… HISAO: None of you are in the wrong here, guys. This whole fiasco happened over a miscommunication, that's all. I just wanted to clear everything up. Yuri, you've always been a really good friend for the both of us. And I'm sorry that you felt like I was ignoring you. I just couldn't tell the truth because Sayori wasn't ready to tell you guys about her depression. It wasn't my call to make. Although I can see why you saw it from a totally different perspective. So...everyone okay? We all share a smile, lightening the mood considerably. HISAO: Good stuff then, guys. Man, we're a really apologetic bunch, aren't we? I think the word 'sorry' was said about what, seven times? Sayori and Yuri laugh softly. HISAO: Anyway, I think it's time to go. SAYORI: Yeah, we'll walk you home, Yuri! Before Yuri can open her mouth to interject, I chime in. HISAO: And also… I still want to know which book it was you wanted to read with me. SAYORI: No clowns this time, please! YURI: Are demons any better? SAYORI: No! HISAO: Chicken. C'mon, let's go. Neurodivergents have a talent for spotting each other. Sometimes it’s because we’re familiar enough with aspects of our condition that we can spot them in others – I’m not just saying behavior -wise, there’s a certain kind of loose-jointedness common in autistic people that a lot of us (me included) recognize more-or-less on sight. But a lot of us can just kind of tell when someone else is neurodivergent, even if in a different way. I’m not sure why; I think it’s a mixture of shared experience and going when someone else is failing to meet social standards of behavior in the same way as we are. On the one hand, will often never express this directly to someone else because it’s rude best and likely to set someone off if they’re in denial or we’re wrong. On the other, we tend to gravitate towards each other and form friendships even if we aren’t fully sure what we’re seeing.In grad school, I remember reading about how Abraham Lincoln and Ulysses S Grant formed a fast friendship. By all accounts, they just kind of understood each other and got along famously despite meeting like three times. Some historians credit it to similar outlooks and agendas for the war, which makes sense. But I also think about the capstone paper I wrote in grad school on how Grant was almost certainly autistic and how better historians than I have argued Lincoln had clinical depression, and it makes sense. 24. Skip - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST  HISAO: Man, I'm really glad that we sorted the whole Yuri business out. I was worried that might've snowballed into something a lot worse, especially after she didn't show up at lunch. SAYORI: ...Did I really make you feel like you couldn't see her, Hisao? HISAO: It's more on me for not communicating with you about it, I guess. Don't worry about it. Seriously. It was pretty much a given that we'd have obstacles to overcome as a couple, right? And I'd say that all things considered, that went pretty well. SAYORI: ...Yeah, I guess so. But please just tell me if this problem comes up again, okay? I hate thinking that I put you in such a difficult place. HISAO: Will do. SAYORI: By the way, I was thinking that we should do something as a club again. You know, like we did for Halloween and Christmas! It's been almost three months since we did something together. HISAO: What were you thinking? SAYORI: I was thinking that a picnic would be nice? I wanted to do it earlier, but it's been really cold, and I don't really think I was in the best place for it. HISAO: Now that we're almost into March, I have noticed it getting fairly warm, yeah. Run it by the girls tomorrow at lunch? I'm sure they'd say yes. SAYORI: Yay - remind me if I forget, okay? HISAO: I'll do my best. 9. Family Bonds - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST_bonds We hear footsteps coming from the hallway and Mom trails in, laptop in hand. She smiles at us. MOM: Afternoon, you two. Good day at school? I grin at Sayori. HISAO: Yeah, you could say that. We told the other girls about Sayori's depression, and they were really supportive and understanding about it. MOM: That's excellent news, sweetheart! It's always nice when your friends are there for you. Unfortunately, I've got some bad news. We've just got a new client, and they're...pushy, to the say the least.  MOM: I have to leave tomorrow morning. My pleas fell on deaf ears, sadly. HISAO: Aww, really? You've only been here for a few days! MOM: I know, sweetheart, I know. I wish I could stay for a little longer, but sadly it's out of my control. On the bright side, I'll make you guys a lot of food, so hopefully I won't have to hear about how you've been eating chocolate for lunch. HISAO: I have chocolate for dinner, thank you very much. Mom rolls her eyes. MOM: Quite the sarcastic comedian, isn't he? HISAO: Choose your side wisely, Sayori! SAYORI: Wha- I chuckle. It's always funny to put Sayori in an awkward situation, even when it's just a joke. SAYORI: Wawa- There's probably going to be some nasty karma waiting for me one day, but all things considered… I'll take my chances and enjoy the teasing while I can. The rest of the evening passed by relatively uneventfully. After Sayori and I got on with some homework, we helped Mom pack up for her flight. MOM: Well, it's an early flight tomorrow, so I'm going to head to bed now. Sayori, it was lovely to see you again, and I hope to see you again soon, okay? She embraces her. SAYORI: You too! Hopefully it won't be so long this time. MOM: Hopefully. Mom turns to me. MOM: I'll wake you up before I leave, don't worry. HISAO: Alright, Mom. If you're turning in for the night, I'll walk Sayori home then. She nods. Sayori waves cheerily at her. HISAO: As much as it sucks that she's leaving… Having her around does mean that we can't spend the night together.  SAYORI: But tomorrow she'll be gone… The unexpected purr in her voice makes me shiver. HISAO: A-Anyway...let's get you home. 23. Our Next Chapter - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST  26. Simplicities - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST  SAYORI: Come on Hisao, wake uuuuuuup! HISAO: Zzz...what do you want, Sayori… I've already been woken up by Mom… SAYORI: I have a surprise for you! Well, that certainly rouses my suspicion and makes me sit up, bleary eyed. HISAO: Does this surprise involve the house burning down and the fire brigade being called, like the last one? SAYORI: I don't think so, no! Come on! HISAO: Wait...what time is it? Still half asleep, I attempt to make out what my digital clock says. I don't think I've ever seen you up this early. SAYORI: Well I had a really good night's sleep last night. Plus I set an alarm so that I could wake up before you. HISAO: That's...dedication. SAYORI: Anyway, come downstairs! HISAO: Okay okay, geez, I'm coming… As I make my way downstairs, half expecting that Sayori has managed to blow something up, I'm hit by an aroma of food. It doesn't look or smell like the food that Mom left us, either. I take a sniff. HISAO: That smells...really good? As the final vestiges of sleep leave me, I realize why Sayori is so excited. HISAO: Hang on - Sayori, did you make me breakfast? SAYORI: Yep! HISAO: There are so many things that I'm impressed with here. That you actually got up before me, the fact that you made food suitable for a human to consume, or the fact that you haven't already eaten it. SAYORI: Hey, I really tried, okay? I move forward to embrace her, planting a kiss on her forehead. HISAO: I'm just messing, Sayori. This looks and smells great! You didn't have to do this for me, though. SAYORI: I wanted to! You know, to to show how much you mean to me…s Because I did a bit of thinking and I realized that I don't really do that enough… HISAO: You don't have to worry about that at all. But I appreciate the gesture - it's really thoughtful. SAYORI: Besides, it's our picnic today, so I was already in a food-y mood! Foody? Food-ish? Is that even a word? SAYORI: I tuck into the food in front of me, I'm once again struck by how drat captivating Sayori can be. She went through all that effort to wake up before me and cook me breakfast for a start. And now her nose is all scrunched up trying to think of the right word… drat, I really am the luckiest guy alive. The food is pretty good to boot as well. HISAO: Wow - if the picnic food is as good as this, the other girls are in for a real treat. I didn't know you could cook like this? SAYORI: Ehe, well...I got some pointers from Natsuki. I didn't make anything fancy...to be honest, I'm an amateur~ But she helped me work with what I have. HISAO: Well, you guys did a really good job. Looks like Mom's fears of me eating chocolate for dinner are unfounded, eh? SAYORI: Well, I didn't want to say it at the time… But having chocolate for a meal sounds pretty good if you ask me... HISAO: Yeah, I figured you'd say that, aha. I lean towards the last mini chocolate donut on the table, but as I do so, Sayori lightly smacks my hand away. SAYORI: Hey! What do you think you're doing? HISAO: Trying to get the last donut? What does it look like? SAYORI: That donut is mine, Hisao! I grin. Oh, the game is on. HISAO: Is that so? I don't see your name on it. And with that, I dart for the snack, managing to loop it around my finger. Sayori jumps up and tries to pry it off me, but I'm too quick. I quickly stand up and raise my finger, so that the donut is out of her reach. She jumps up to try and reclaim it, but my plan is Sayori-proof. The pout on her face quickly changes to a devious grin, which, to say the least, puts me on edge. As she pushes forward, her hands aimed for my sides, I instantly realize what her counter-attack is. HISAO: H-Hey! They said in the Official Donut Convention of 1949 that tickling is n-not allowed! It's outlaweeeeeed! Sadly my made up convention and its rules go right over Sayori's head as her fingers mercilessly attack my sides, causing me to writhe and laugh. I attempt to back away from her, but Sayori can be just as fast when she wants to be. She pushes me against the wall as one of her hands carries on tickling me while the other is still reaching for the donut. In a desperate attempt, she reaches up on tip-toes and plants a kiss firmly on my lips, which totally takes me by surprise. Internally, I curse myself for falling for the ruse - she's done it before, so I should've seen it coming. Then again, it's pretty much impossible to resist a kiss from Sayori. Although… This kiss has a very different feel to it. There's a real sense of urgency I can feel coming from her - a feeling that's completely foreign. As she slowly gets off her tip-toes, I find myself subconsciously lowering myself down to my normal height - at this point, the donut is all but forgotten. I wrap my arms around Sayori's back and pull her closer to me, savoring her taste and smell. She has me pinned against the wall, with one of her hands on my wrist, while the other caresses my face. And with my mother gone, we're home alone once more… As my thoughts wander over into...a territory I haven't explored much, Sayori slowly slides her tongue into my mouth. It catches me by surprise as this is the first time she's ever done it. I'm a little hesitant at first, but I quickly grow accustomed to it. If I had any suspicion that this kiss is unlike any we've shared in the past, this new development confirms it without a shadow of a doubt. Given how closely we're pressed together, I can feel her body heat...along with something else. My mind is racing at a million thoughts an hour. As the kiss deepens, Sayori moans slightly, which only adds to the allure of the situation. This is completely uncharted territory, and while I don't want the moment to end in the slightest, I have no clue what's going on. We eventually break apart, with neither of us knowing where the sudden mood that befell us came from. I always love looking at Sayori's eyes after we kiss, and despite this being no exception...there's something new lurking in those beautiful blue eyes. I'm no ladies' man, but even I can read between the lines. My heart is beating just as hard as my thoughts are whirring. HISAO: Sayori? Her voice is quiet as she replies. SAYORI: ...Yes, Hisao? HISAO: Are you sure you want to- (Doorbell Sound) Falconier111 fucked around with this message at 23:56 on Jun 24, 2022 |
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Jun 23, 2022 23:27
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Falconier111 posted:there’s a certain kind of loose-jointedness common in autistic people that a lot of us (me included) recognize more-or-less on sight I scanned the paper, but I would love to hear more about this, it sounds fascinating.
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Jun 24, 2022 14:18
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Funktor posted:I scanned the paper, but I would love to hear more about this, it sounds fascinating. Ehler-Danlos Syndrome causes loose joints and connective tissue, and when it’s particularly pronounced it changes how people move and hold themselves. Like, I have it. I can touch my hands behind my back without stretching and am effectively double-jointed. I also can’t sit up straight comfortably because my spine can’t adequately support that weight. I naturally hunch forward when I’m walking as my joints relax and my wrists are unusually long and flexible. None of these would be too shocking on their own, but together they can be enough to stand out. We often know how to spot these traits because we often learn to suppress how they manifest in ourselves; the last thing we want is to be pegged as different literally because of how we move. It’s not a 100% match all the time, but it is distinctive. Incidentally, never try to use this technique to identify someone as autistic, even if you are also autistic. Even if it works, you basically punched through a survival mechanism to satisfy your curiosity, which is rude at best.
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Jun 25, 2022 16:07
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Update 32: I think a promotion could be in order. 26. Simplicities - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST The doorbell ringing sounds like it's coming from another reality. For a moment, it was like I was totally oblivious to space and time entirely. We release each other as I let out a frustrated groan. What is it with that drat doorbell ruining everything? First when we were about to kiss, and now when we were about to… Okay, let's not dwell too much on the end of that sentence. HISAO: drat it Sayori, couldn't you told them to meet us like an hour later when you texted them? SAYORI: Sorry~ Sayori opens it and waves at who I presume are the other girls.  MONIKA: You chose a perfect day for a picnic. I checked the forecast for today and it couldn't be any better. Sunny, blue skies, a slight breeze. Maybe the warmest start to March we've had in a long time. NATSUKI: Did Hisao like the breakfast, Sayori? HISAO: I did indeed. Sayori outdid herself. NATSUKI: She learnt from the best. HISAO: Shame you can't cook modesty, though… NATSUKI: What was that? YURI: No burnt houses this time? I laugh as Sayori pouts. I don't think Yuri realizes that she's unwittingly taken a jab at Sayori. HISAO: Thankfully not. I'm ready to go. MONIKA: Erm, Hisao... HISAO: Yeah? NATSUKI: You realize you're still in your pajamas, right? My face flushes red. What with the...Sayori incident from earlier, it totally slipped my mind. HISAO: Oh, uh… Give me a second. NATSUKI: Sheesh, how could you forget? What were you two doing, anyway? An awkward silence suddenly springs up. I take that as my cue to head upstairs and get changed. One hasty change of clothes later, we're all on our way. Everyone seems to be in fairly high spirits, with conversation flowing between all of us. Even though we typically spend most of our lunch times with one another, getting out of school and doing something as a four is always really enjoyable. After all, Christmas was almost three months ago. Time really flies. How has March come about so soon? YURI: So, what's in the baskets, Natsuki? HISAO: Food, I'd imagine. Natsuki rolls her eyes, but Sayori giggles to herself. She's always had a soft spot for my sarcastic humor. NATSUKI: Well that's a real shame because I actually packed some lightsabres. There's a range of stuff. Sandwiches, bento boxes, soups, all sorts of stuff. MONIKA: Vegetarian options too, I hope? NATSUKI: Pssh. Of course. What do you think I am, an amateur? YURI: A-Also, if it's not too daring an addition… MONIKA: Brought some wine, eh? Yuri looks like a deer caught in the headlights. Monika, on the other hand, didn't even skip a beat. YURI: H-How did you know? Monika laughs softly. MONIKA: Come on Yuri, do you think I was born yesterday? You tried to bring some at the Halloween party... NATSUKI: Geez Yuri, are you secretly an alcoholic? YURI: Uuu...of course not! I just thought...well, there wouldn't be anything wrong with a little bit of wine in a social situation… S-Sorry, I should've learned my lesson by now… MONIKA: It's okay, Yuri. You know what?? I want to try some too, actually. NATSUKI: What happened to being the responsible club president? MONIKA: We're not exactly at school now, are we?~ SAYORI: And I guess no one would find out, either! We could all try some! What's the worst that could happen? HISAO: You 'accidentally' drink the whole bottle and start wobbling all over the place? You throw up on everyone here? SAYORI: Hey! It's not like your tolerance for alcohol is any higher than mine! HISAO: Oh, it is. The other girls look curiously at me. MONIKA: Is that so, Hisao? NATSUKI: So it isn't Yuri who's the alcoholic, then. HISAO: Yeah, I've had a drinking problem ever since I was born. At this point, sake is like tap water for me. You've got to help me, guys! My liver has filed for a divorce and my kidneys have just taken the kids. NATSUKI: ... Your sense of humor is really weird. YURI: It's grown on me, to be honest. HISAO: A bit too sarcastic for you initially? YURI: A little, yes. MONIKA: Well they do say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, you know. HISAO: You do know the person who said that was being sarcastic, right? Before Monika can reply, Sayori pipes up. SAYORI: Look guys, we're close! Come on!  A little while later, the picnic has begun. We found a nice clearing amongst the trees and settled down. Everyone seems content. With such good food and nice weather, it's a given. HISAO: Man, I have to admit, Natsuki - your food is on par with my Mom's. That's really saying something. YURI: Out of curiosity, where did you learn to cook like this? NATSUKI: Hah, about time you guys asked that. It's all self-taught, to be honest. There are some pretty awesome guides on the internet, so I got it from there. HISAO: Could you teach us one day? NATSUKI: 'Us'? HISAO: Yeah, Sayori and I. Mom goes on about how I should learn to cook. Given Sayori is as bad as I am with food, I'm not exactly pressed for inspiration, am I? YURI: Sayori is bad with food? We glance in her direction. She's got her hand in the basket, trying to subtly take a cookie from the box. Upon realizing we're all staring at her, she quickly withdraws her hand, looking flustered. SAYORI: There was uhm...a spider! Yeah, there was a spider in the box, so I was just… HISAO: Trying to eat it? SAYORI: Anyway, it's all gone now! HISAO: I rest my case… Yuri smiles and sits back with her drink in hand. YURI: It's a little crazy to think about how the school year is almost over. Christmas didn't seem so long ago. SAYORI: Have you enjoyed the year, though? YURI: Oh, most definitely. Expanding the club, spending Halloween with everyone...Christmas, and now this. I had the pleasure of spending many enjoyable moments with everyone here, and it's something I'm very grateful for. HISAO: Me too, Yuri. This was the first time I had fun during Halloween or Christmas. And to think it all came from a little club where people could share poems, eh Monika? MONIKA: Of course. When I made the club, I had no idea where it would take us, to be honest. I had hopes that I would be able to meet other people who enjoyed literature, but I didn't expect the little club to bond so well. I was pretty worried about how we'd all fare after the festival, though. My hopes were pretty shaky for the future of the club. But I was lucky in that we managed to put it behind us and carry on. Which I'm really grateful for. SAYORI: That's okay, Monika! I think we were all a little worried about the club's atmosphere after that day… SAYORI: But deep down I knew that we wouldn't let it get us down. And look - here we are~ She takes a bite of her sandwich. SAYORI: If there's one thing this year has taught me - it's the importance of friendship. NATSUKI: Sheesh, you guys are really over sentimental, you know that? How much have you even had to drink? SAYORI: Alcohol can make you really emotional? NATSUKI: Amongst other things… SAYORI: Huh? NATSUKI: Nothing… HISAO: C'mon Natsuki, don't tell me you haven't enjoyed your time at the club as well. I can tell that you've got a big heart, hidden away behind that facade of yours. NATSUKI: Pfft, when did you graduate from psychology school? HISAO: Hopefully in a few years, actually. NATSUKI: Go on then, analyze me. What makes you think I have this 'big heart', huh? Natsuki's tone is challenging, but unlike previous instances where she's tried to put me on the spot, I have my answer prepared. HISAO: Well, let's see… Secret Santa, for a start. Your gift for Yuri was pretty thoughtful, don't you think? Yuri, Sayori and Monika nod. HISAO: You could've just got her a generic horror book, but no - you put some real thought into it. NATSUKI: Okay, so- HISAO: You also really helped Sayori pick out a present for me… Plus you helped her make me breakfast. Aaaaaaand you made all of this food for everyone here. So yeah, checkmate. I grin at her, causing her to scowl. NATSUKI: ... You'd make a really annoying psychologist. HISAO: I'll interpret that as meaning I do my job, then. MONIKA: A psychologist, huh? HISAO: Yeah. This year has really opened my eyes to mental health. Especially with Sayori. Mental health was never really something I paid much attention to. So it's like a whole new world has opened up for me. Sayori shifts over to me and slowly wraps her hand around mine. It's still strange for me to discuss her depression to the others. Not in a bad way, mind. It's just something I've got to grow to get used to. NATSUKI: Just don't start diagnosing everyone with millions of conditions, okay? I've heard that future psychology students love doing that... HISAO: Can't make any promises! Doki Doki Literature Club! OST - My Feelings  An hour or so has passed by this point. Most of the food has been eaten by this point, and I've taken to sitting under a tree with my legs pulled up. A cozy, calm silence has descended upon the five of us. Sayori is sitting in front of me and I have my hands gently massaging the back of her head. The other girls are lying nearby. After reassuring Yuri that it was okay, she pulled out the bottle and shared the wine with us. I'm not huge on the taste - and judging by Sayori's coughing and slight spluttering - neither was she. Given Natsuki looked like she'd just sucked on a lemon, it's safe to say that wine isn't one of her favorite drinks either. Monika seemed like she enjoyed it, though. And of course, Yuri was utterly unfazed. Well, I could understand Yuri's reaction. Monika's was a little surprising. Maybe it's just how different people react. As I'm thinking of something to say, Sayori speaks up. SAYORI: Monika? MONIKA: Mmm? SAYORI: Are you going to run the club next year, too? MONIKA: Ah, well… I mean, I'd like to. But next year is going to be even more stressful than this one, at least for me. What with those university exams… YURI: It would be a real shame if we didn't have the club to look forward to next year, though. NATSUKI: Yeah. That'd suck. SAYORI: Not that we mean to pressure you or anything! Monika laughs softly. MONIKA: Don't worry about that. It's only natural that you're all feeling this way. Well, if my other commitments grow to be a little too demanding, I think a promotion could be in order. SAYORI: You mean…?  MONIKA: Yep. If I'm not around as much as I need to be, then you can run the club next year, Sayori. You're an excellent vice president. Although you'd have to work a little on your organization skills. SAYORI: Me, president? MONIKA: Hey, only if I can't commit to it, aha. Don't start feeding your inner megalomaniac just yet. SAYORI: ...Are you sure I'd be able to? HISAO: Why don't you think you'd be a good president, Sayori? NATSUKI: Yeah...for what it's worth, you wouldn't be half bad, you know. Yuri nods in agreement. SAYORI: You guys are just saying this to be nice. MONIKA: Not at all, Sayori. You said you didn't want any special treatment, remember? HISAO: Yeah, plus I don't think it's even possible for Natsuki to give anyone special treatment. NATSUKI: Thought I had a 'really big heart'? HISAO: Touché. SAYORI: I don't know, it's just… Well, you're really good at it, Monika, and like you said, my organization is pretty bad. MONIKA: Plenty of time to work on it, though. And besides, you've always been a really good people person. You're much better than I am at dealing with conflict. Give yourself some credit, Sayori. HISAO: That's what I've been telling her for the past few months. Welcome to my life. SAYORI: ...You guys really think I could run the club? HISAO: We wouldn't be saying it if it weren't true. NATSUKI: Yeah. I don't just say what people want to hear. Sayori is silent for a moment. It must be a little overwhelming for her - especially given how she's hearing praise from all of us. SAYORI: ...Thanks, guys. That really means a lot. If it comes to it, I won't let you down, Monika. MONIKA: Glad to hear it~ SAYORI: You know… Will we all be friends when we've finished school? When we're all at university, miles away from each other? Sayori looks at everyone, wearing an expression that's a mix between hope and uncertainty. YURI: I'd certainly like to think so, yes. Everyone here means a lot to me, and I wouldn't like to lose what we have. HISAO: Couldn't agree more. When I first joined, I was a little surprised at how different everyone was. Not just in terms of literature tastes, but also personalities. Yet everyone was pretty much united over one goal - to share and enjoy poems together. I can't see that unity disappearing any time soon. NATSUKI: Yeah. And this club has always been a place where I could read manga and enjoy it, knowing that people won't judge me for it. Natsuki's input surprises me a little - I never expected her to join in the rather sentimental mood. But hey, I'm definitely not complaining. MONIKA: It's funny you mention that, Natsuki, because Yuri feels the same way - the club being somewhere she can be herself, free from judgment. For all I used to think you guys were polar opposites, you've actually got that pretty large common ground. Both Yuri and Natsuki look surprised at Monika's insight. Now that Monika brought that up, I can really see that her point is valid. YURI: Well… Perhaps we're a little more alike than I ever would've thought, Natsuki. NATSUKI: Kinda weird how that works, isn't it? Natsuki grins at her and Yuri smiles tentatively back. Man, they've really come a long way since I first joined. SAYORI: Awww, see? This is the stuff I love seeing when we're all together! Everyone getting along and realizing how much they mean to each other! NATSUKI: Geez, Sayori, don't get ahead of yourself… MONIKA: Although going back to your question, Sayori… Truthfully, you can't predict the future. There's no telling what things will be like in two years' time. I'd like to think we'll all still be friends, but it's anyone's guess. SAYORI: Yeah, that's true… HISAO: Hey, look at it this way. If our friendship has taught me anything, it's that if people were destined to stay friends, life will find a way, no matter what. So what if we're all at different universities all over the country? It's super easy to stay connected these days - you know, what with trains and all. Yuri nods in agreement. y I think it's safe to say that we'll all be here for one another. Right? There's a general murmur of agreement, which warms my heart. NATSUKI: You guys better not forget to visit me, you know. YURI: Oh, my apologies, Natsuki. We didn't mean for the conversation to exclude you. Natsuki waves away her apology. NATSUKI: You don't have to say sorry for that, dummy. It's a given that you guys would be talking about that stuff. I just...well, when I'm in my final year… You guys won't be here. MONIKA: I don't see why we wouldn't visit you whenever we could, Natsuki. SAYORI: I'm sure we'd be able to! YURI: As Hisao said, we're all rather connected. Plus, I imagine it would be nice to visit our homeroom teachers again. Natsuki is looking at the floor. She looks like she's struggling to say something. If I had to guess, it's probably some form of gratitude expression. She's never been great with that. NATSUKI: Okay, good. Because… Well, I know I haven't said it as much as you guys, but… I've had a lot of fun this year, too. With everyone here. So yeah. Thanks, guys. You especially, Monika. I know we kinda...don't always agree on stuff, but you've been a great president. SAYORI: Yeah, I agree with Natsuki! The club wouldn't be what it is without all the hard work you pour into it. Sorry for not saying how much I appreciate you any earlier, ehe… I've always been kinda bad with that. YURI: I suppose I'm guilty of the same thing. But now feels like the best time to say it, I suppose. Thank you. For everything. HISAO: Couldn't agree more with the girls. Thanks to you, I was able to experience something I desperately needed this year - friendship. And indirectly - a girlfriend. NATSUKI: So we have Monika to blame for all the mushy stuff between you and Sayori? HISAO: I mean, Sayori as well, but sure. We all share a laugh. MONIKA: Aha, that's okay. Better late than never, right? She laughs softly. MONIKA: It hasn't been easy to run - or juggle against everything else going on in my life - but I can say it's been a hundred percent worth it. She picks up the wine bottle and pours a healthy measure into her glass. The bottle is then offered to everyone else, and we do the same. MONIKA: So let's share a toast. Here's to another year of the Literature Club. (All at the same time) YURI: Another year. NATSUKI: Another year. SAYORI: Another year. HISAO: Another year. (Clinking Sound) We all clink the glasses together and take a sip. With the sun shining, the warm glow that the wine has ignited within me, the feel of Sayori in my arms and the content, relaxed atmosphere surrounding us… It's bliss. And I couldn't be any happier. A little while later, the sun has started to set. A general air of drowsiness has started to creep in. We've started to make our way back home. I'm still in high spirits. Today has been such a good day.  MONIKA: Well, I'll see everyone later. I really enjoyed today, Sayori. Thanks for suggesting it. SAYORI: That's okay! NATSUKI: Yeah, it was nice. See you guys later. YURI: I should probably get going as well. As Sayori and I move to join her, Yuri shakes her head. YURI: It's okay. You two have already done so much for me. And after today, I think I'll be okay. So enjoy the rest of your evening, okay? I'll see you later. She smiles a warm smile at us and walks off. SAYORI: I'm glad she's feeling better. HISAO: That makes two of us. I guess everyone realized just how much the club means to them, huh? SAYORI: Yeah… HISAO: Anyway, it's getting late. We should head back.  As we settle down into bed, I feel myself slowly drift away into the dream world. Or at least I would, if Sayori doesn't break the silence. SAYORI: Hisao? HISAO: If you're asking me for a favor which involves me having to physically move, then it's a no, sorry. SAYORI: No, aha... I was just going to ask… Are you doing anything tomorrow? HISAO: Not to my knowledge, no. Why? SAYORI: Oh, no reason… It's immediately apparent that she's up to something. I'm too tired to push it, though, so instead I just go along with whatever it is. HISAO: Fair enough, then… SAYORI: Oh, I need to uhm… Sort some stuff out tomorrow, so could you pick me up from my house at about four? I narrow my eyes at her, before realising she can't see it in the dark. HISAO: Yeah, sure. SAYORI: Thank you! HISAO: Sometimes you make absolutely no sense, but I've grown to not question it. Good night, Sayori. SAYORI: Good night! 23. Our Next Chapter - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST  7. Free Time - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST  As I open my eyes and slowly grow more awake, I'm suddenly aware of a warmth on my chest. Sayori has somehow managed to contort herself so that she's lying diagonally across my body with her head planted firmly on my upper body. I can feel the warmth of her breath through the fabric of my pajamas... Only Sayori could manage to fall asleep like this. Typical girl… I can't help but smile while I gently stroke the back of her head. Her hair has always been very soft and pleasant to touch. As I move my hand toward my face to scratch an itch on my nose, Sayori suddenly mumbles. SAYORI: Mmmmf. Mmm... put your hand back. HISAO: In your hair? SAYORI: Mmmm. HISAO: Sorry, I don't speak pillow. I'll take that as a yes, though. SAYORI: Feels really good… HISAO: You're literally like a cat, you know that? A beautiful, blue eyed cat, with lovely hair. ...Okay, that sounded a bit weird, didn't it? SAYORI: ...Just a bit. Uwah! She jerks upright as I poke her in the ribs. She's always been sensitive to that. SAYORI: Hisao! I was so comfy… HISAO: Sorry, sorry… I pull her towards me. HISAO: Here, you can use me as a pillow again. She grumbles but eventually settles down once more. SAYORI: You make a really good pillow. HISAO: Thanks. I've been training my entire life in the Human Pillow Championships. I only got third place last time so it's nice to know I'm doing better now. At this proximity, I can literally feel the vibrations from her laughter on my own skin. SAYORI: Stop making me laugh, I'm trying to sleep… HISAO: I dunno, Sayori...if my pillow could make me laugh, I'd be mighty impressed. Maybe you should be a little more appreciative, gosh. SAYORI: It's rude to keep a girl from her beauty sleep, Hisao! HISAO: Why would you need beauty sleep? You're perfect the way you are. Okay, even though I said it, I have to admit that was pretty smooth… SAYORI: Since when did you have such a charming side? Ehe~ HISAO: Uh...about 4 seconds ago, apparently. Better late than never, right? Sayori yawns and stretches, sitting up once more. Even with her hair plastered all over her face and her eyes still riddled with sleep… I don't think it's possible for her to look bad. SAYORI: Something on my face? HISAO: Just admiring how beautiful you really are. SAYORI: Wawawa- How am I meant to reply to that?! HISAO: By flailing, so that I get to further admire how cute you are. SAYORI: You're such a meanie… HISAO: But I'm complimenting you! Would you rather I said you looked like an ostrich or something? SAYORI: Well, ostriches are pretty cool… HISAO: Okay, but if people think I'm a weirdo for calling you 'my ostrich' in public, I'm blaming you. She bursts out laughing. SAYORI: I kinda wanna see that, now that you said it… I roll my eyes. HISAO: You must be the only girl on the planet who'd rather be called an African flightless bird than beautiful or cute. SAYORI: Yep! But don't forget~ You chose me! HISAO: ...Let's just go make breakfast. 26. Simplicities - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST HISAO: So, what's this mystery plan you've got lined up for today, then? SAYORI: Ooh, that! Well, I want to keep it a surprise! HISAO: ...But you've already told me that you've got something planned, so that's kinda a giveaway in itself. SAYORI: ...Oops. Well, you still don't know what's gonna happen! Anyway, we've got a bit of time until we have to go! What should we do? HISAO: Fancy watching anime? We've been playing games a lot recently - figured it could be a nice change. SAYORI: I don't really know any, but sure. HISAO: Awesome. [img]https://lpix.org/4314742/bs 32 a 09.jpg[/img SAYORI: ...That was super confusing. HISAO: Yeah, time travel plotlines can get pretty perplexing. I heard they're really hard to write well. This show pulls it off pretty well, though. SAYORI: Was it just me who thought that the red-haired girl kinda reminds you of Natsuki? Haha, I can see it. She glances at the clock. SAYORI: Ooh, I need to go and get ready soon! HISAO: You, preparing for something like this? Keeping it a secret? ...You haven't been abducted by the Yakuza, have you? SAYORI: No, but that'd be kinda fun… Something tells me that Sayori doesn't know that much about Japanese gangsters. SAYORI: Oh, by the way… Uhm… You don't have any dress shirts, do you? HISAO: Errr… Yeah, I do. SAYORI: I think you'd look really nice if you wore one today! HISAO: ...So what you're really saying is that wherever we're going has a smart dress code? She doesn't answer. SAYORI: Anyway, I'll see you soon! She puts her plate away and heads out the door, leaving me to contemplate what she's just said.
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Jun 28, 2022 00:50
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Falconier111 posted:
jesus christ
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Jun 28, 2022 08:05
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Update 33: You can't really keep people happy if you don't understand them, right? 26. Simplicities - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST I open my wardrobe and sift through my clothes. It's been a while since I've had to wear a dress shirt. It's not something I'd normally wear, but I could tell what Sayori was getting at. Guess it's kinda hard to tell me what to wear when the whole thing is meant to be a surprise. Still, I reckon this one will do nicely. I'll pack a hoodie in my backpack too, just in case. After freshening up, I stand in front of the mirror, nervously checking how I look. I get the feeling we're going to some kind of restaurant, although I can't imagine why. It's not like today is Valentine's or anything like that. Makes for some nice variety, at least. Either way, I want to look nice. Well, it looks like it's time to meet her. After trying to smoothen my hair one last time, I head out.  Sayori is already there by the time I arrive at her house. SAYORI: Heeey! HISAO: Wow, Sayori...you look… SAYORI: Like an ostrich? HISAO: Absolutely beautiful. SAYORI: Thank you, Hisao, I'm glad you like it! HISAO: You've always looked really nice, but this is something else… ... SAYORI: Earth to Hisao? HISAO: Oh, sorry… SAYORI: Someone's getting into the spirit of the day~ She giggles and loops her hand with mine. I can smell her perfume, which only adds to her allure. SAYORI: You look really handsome, by the way! Like one of those fancy spies! HISAO: Haha, don't overdo it. So, where are we going? SAYORI: You'll see~  SAYORI: Here we are! We're standing in front of a fancy looking restaurant. Looks like my hunch was correct. HISAO: Oh, no way! SAYORI: What? This is the exact restaurant I was going to take you on Valentine's Day. SAYORI: Really? HISAO: Yep. SAYORI: Did you...get the recommendation from Monika, by any chance? HISAO: Sure did. And I'm guessing you did, too? She nods, giggling. HISAO: Wow. What're the chances? SAYORI: I guess we really do think alike~ HISAO: So that explains your dress, and why you asked me to wear a smart shirt… It all makes sense now. SAYORI: Sorry, it was really hard to tell you about the dress code while trying to keep the whole thing a secret… I must've sounded so awkward. HISAO: Nah, I get your reasoning. Besides, I'm really hungry, so let's just head in. 28. From Across the Table - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST  Man, Monika wasn't wrong with her descriptions of this place. The first thing I notice is the warm, cosy atmosphere it radiates, accompanied by some pleasant jazz. Sayori seems impressed as well, given how much she's gushing over how the restaurant looks. As a waiter comes over to tend to us, I make a mental note to thank Monika the next time I see her. SAYORI: All of this stuff looks soooo tasty! ...Although I don't know what half of it is… HISAO: ...Then how do you know it's tasty? SAYORI: Sixth sense! HISAO: I didn't know that a movie about ghosts taught you about food. SAYORI: Not ghosts, silly! HISAO: Haha I know, I know. Just messing. Are you going to have a starter? SAYORI: Hmm… I think I'll try the chawanmushi with shrimp. HISAO: Wasn't aware that you liked shrimp that much, but okay. SAYORI: It's not every day that I get to come here so I figured it'd be a good idea to try something new! HISAO: Not a bad idea, actually. I'll do the same. I think I'll go for the yakitori.  SAYORI: So… You're probably wondering why I took you here today, right? It probably came across as kinda random… HISAO: Yeah, a little. I don't mind, though. SAYORI: Well, I was thinking about Valentine's Day. I felt kinda bad - we didn't get to do anything on the day, just because I wasn't really feeling up to it. So I wanted to make it up to you. HISAO: You didn't have to make anything up to me, Sayori. SAYORI: But I did! You were looking forward to spending the day with me, and I just told you to leave me alone… HISAO: There was a reason for that. I didn't want to force anything - and besides, it's not like you chose to have a bad day, was it? SAYORI: Well no, but… HISAO: So don't worry about it. I'd have much preferred we had a nice romantic evening together when you felt in the mood for one. Forcing one just because it was Valentine's is a pretty bad idea, anyway. Anyway, the food here is great. Looks like Monika really knows her stuff, huh? SAYORI: Mmm, the chawanmushi is sooooo tasty! HISAO: You know, it might be worth learning how to cook. Given how you love food, and how much I love seeing a smile on your face, it might be something I'll look into. Y'know, for the future. She blushes slightly. SAYORI: Speaking of which… I've been thinking about the future. Our future. I know it might seem a bit early though, ehe… HISAO: Nah, it's pretty natural, right? I have those thoughts from time to time as well. SAYORI: Where do you think we'll be when we finish high school? HISAO: Assuming you haven't got bored of me by then? SAYORI: Hisao! I'd never get bored of you! HISAO: Kidding, kidding. In reality - well, I'd like to think we'd still be together, you know? Yeah, we've only been a couple for what, two months? But honestly, it feels a lot longer. SAYORI: Probably because we've known each other for so long, right? I take a bite of my food. It's really good. HISAO: That's probably it, yeah. I think we got really lucky in that respect. I read somewhere that the best relationships tend to form when the two people are best friends before they start dating. Why d'ya think that is? SAYORI: Probably because they get to know each other really well before they get into a relationship, right? They know what their partner likes and dislikes, along with their hobbies, interests and values! And because friends argue, fall out and make up, each person would know how to handle the other when they fight. Which would be really useful when dating them! Plus it also gives them a long time for their feelings to grow. Nothing is rushed or anything~ HISAO: Sounds like you've given it some thought. SAYORI: I like to think about these things. It really helps to keep the peace! HISAO: Ah, I never thought of that. You can't really keep people happy if you don't understand them, right? SAYORI: Yep! HISAO: You're pretty perceptive and smart. I've always enjoyed seeing that side to you. SAYORI: Really? HISAO: Well, let's take the incident where you ah…'forgot' your gloves back in November. It was a pretty clever way to get me to hold your hands. And it worked, too. I dunno what it is about that crafty side of yours that's so alluring. Perhaps it's because I never know when it's going to strike next. So it always keeps me on my toes. There's always been much more to you than meets the eye, I guess. SAYORI: It's a bit devious, but it is kinda fun to play with people like that. HISAO: Which is why it's all the more rewarding when I manage to get you back. We always try to one-up each other - something that stayed with us since childhood. And what I love the most is that it's our unique little in-joke. In-game? I don't know what the right wording would be, haha. SAYORI: Yeah, definitely! I really enjoy it too. It's our own little thing that no one can ever take away from us. HISAO: Precisely. Sayori pushes her empty plate away from her. Unlike many times before, she didn't just wolf down her meal as fast as possible. Nor did she take a remarkably long amount of time to eat it. It looks like her appetite is a lot more consistent these days. Another common depression symptom? Irregular appetite, either eating too much or too little. SAYORI: Can I see the dessert menu? HISAO: Only if you promise me that you won't buy the entire thing. SAYORI: Can't make that promise, sorry! I hand the menu over to her. Her eyes light up as she scans the options. HISAO: How can you even fit any more food in? Your main looked really filling! SAYORI: Dessert doesn't go to the stomach, Hisao, it goes to the heart! HISAO: That may be the dumbest yet most profound thing I've heard in a while. SAYORI: Oooh look, they have chocolate cake! And it comes with vanilla ice cream… And sprinkles! HISAO: You know what? You've got me in a dessert mood now. Let's have two. After a while, we finish our meal and the waiter comes over with the bill. Ouch. Well, at least you get what you pay for here… As I pull out my wallet, Sayori intervenes. SAYORI: Hey! What do you think you're doing? I'm paying for th- SAYORI: There's no way I'm letting you pay for this alone, Hisao! HISAO: It's okay, Mom left me some money. SAYORI: That's not the point, silly! You already do so much for me, so this time I want to give something back to you! HISAO: But I don't want you to pay for the entire thing, either. It's hardly cheap. SAYORI: Nuh uh! Not this time. I open my mouth to argue, but Sayori's resolution holds firm. HISAO: Okay, okay...if you insist. She smiles sweetly. SAYORI: I do. We pay the bill and stand up to leave. I'll find a way to slip some yen into her pocket when she isn't looking. 41. Sparks Ignite - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST  SAYORI: Wow, look at the stars, Hisao! She's shivering. A given, really, due to the temperature and the wind. The dress she's wearing probably doesn't help. Luckily, I came prepared.  I pull out the hoodie from my backpack. Standing behind her, I help her into it. Once I'm done, I hug her close to me and plant a kiss into the back of her neck. HISAO: They might look beautiful, Sayori, but they have absolutely nothing on you. SAYORI: Ehe… HISAO: And thank you. SAYORI: Oh, for paying? It's nothing, I just didn't want- HISAO: Not for that. Thank you for taking a chance on me. For letting me back into your life, and for letting me help you. You keep talking about how much I've done for you, but I don't think I've told you how much you've done for me. You gave me something to look forward to, each and every morning. Even on the days where we didn't spend time together, just seeing you - if only for a minute - was enough to make my day better. It's all thanks to you that I was introduced to a world of poetry, and a club filled with friendship. I didn't realize just how badly I was missing friendship in my life until that fateful day where you let me walk with you to school, all those months ago. If it weren't for you, I would've probably spent my last two years of high school alone, becoming more and more of a NEET by the day. You've made such a positive change to my life, and I can't thank you enough for that. SAYORI: Aww, Hisao... HISAO: But there's so much more than that. Seeing your eyes shine when you laugh, seeing your nose scrunch up when you're thinking about something... Hearing your laugh, reminiscing about the good old days. A day never goes by where I don't consider myself the luckiest guy on the planet, all because a girl as beautiful and amazing as you are considers me her boyfriend. SAYORI: ...I don't know what to say, I… HISAO: It's okay, Sayori. You don't have to say anything. I just wanted to let you know how much you mean to me, because you honestly are my world. I love hearing your laugh, I love seeing you smile. I love how you're a daily part of my life now, but most importantly… It's now or never. I love you, Sayori. Well, that's it now. Those three words have been spoken… SAYORI: ... ...Really? HISAO: Really really. I'm sorry if that came out of the blue, or- SAYORI: I love you too, Hisao! I was scared that I'd say it too soon...I didn't want to scare you or anything. I can't help but stifle a slight laugh. HISAO: That's exactly how I've been feeling. We really are on the same wavelength. She reaches up to wipe a few happy tears away.  SAYORI: It feels so good to finally be able to say it. HISAO: It does. It really, really does. She turns around to face me with tears in her eyes. She slowly leans her face towards mine, and we share a kiss. A kiss that feels entirely different to any other kiss we've shared before. Is it because we've both finally exclaimed our love for each other? Or because we're doing the stereotypical thing of kissing under the moonlight? Who knows. We break apart, but our faces remain close. Sayori's voice has lowered to a whisper and our eyes remain closed. She's still shivering a little, but she carries on regardless. SAYORI: I can't believe we're actually in this situation right now. I had dreams about this moment. Where we'd get to say those three words. We open our eyes at the same time. SAYORI: I was so scared that this would feel wrong. Or that it wouldn't match my expectations. I think that's another reason why I was scared of saying it too early. But I'm so glad we waited for the right moment. HISAO: Me too, Sayori. It's all been worth it. She laughs softly. I knew there was something about you. Back when we first laid eyes on each other, all those years ago. You always made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. And that never changed, no matter how many years had passed. It took me a long time to realize my feelings. And they were confusing. I didn't know why I'd find myself smiling for no reason. And even though the rain clouds were there...no matter how hard it rained, they could never put out that tiny little ember. The tiny little ember that was you. Which was always there. And I was - brrrr! Well, it looks like Mother Nature doesn't care in the slightest for romance. The cold winds which were fairly dormant have suddenly burst to life. HISAO: We can continue this at home, don't worry. SAYORI: Y-Yeah, not a bad id-dea… I laugh and pull her close to me, trying to warm her up. One speedy power walk later, and we're both back home, savoring the warmth of the room. Luckily, the atmosphere hasn't been disrupted too much. HISAO: Ahhh, that's much better. Now, what were you saying? She walks up to me and puts her hands on my face. Her thumb slowly massages my chin, and her other hand goes up to stroke my hair. SAYORI: I was so scared to fall in love. When you told me you liked me, I had no idea how to respond. And as you saw...I panicked. She smiles ruefully. SAYORI: But things are different now. You helped me realize that it was okay to take that chance. That maybe, just maybe… My own happiness isn't something I should hate. Things aren't entirely perfect, but...I'm happy with where I'm at now. HISAO: You should be, Sayori. You've been so brave, and you've overcome so much. And that's all because of you. You were once that little ember, but you grew into a roaring fire. A fire that refused to be put out. She kisses me once more. To my surprise, she uses her tongue again. Immediately, my heart starts to race. I'm very well aware of what the atmosphere was like the last time she kissed me like this… And this time, there's no one around to interrupt us. I kiss Sayori back just as passionately. That hunger, that sense of urgency - it's all flooding back to the both of us. play music true_love SAYORI: ...I need you, Hisao. Goosebumps erupt over my arms. SAYORI: ...And there's so much more I could say, but I think there's a better way of I can hardly hear her over the sound of my heart thumping in my chest. Is this really happening? HISAO: ...Are you sure? Her reply is barely a whisper, but the conviction and assurance are so strong it's almost like she's shouted it. SAYORI: Yes. And so, we reach our first sex scene. I turned censorship on, but all that did was turn the screen black; all the action continued, just in text form. Anyway, the two had home and make love. It’s awkward and fumbling, but significantly better than either expected and extremely romantic. Also, it turns out Sayori was prepared and had been for while. After they finish, they rest in each other’s arms. SAYORI: Hisao? HISAO: Mmmhm? SAYORI: ...I love you. HISAO: I love you too, Sayori. That was...absolutely incredible. She giggles softly. SAYORI: It really was. Silence, again. It's not uncomfortable, though. I'm trying to wrack of my brains for what I want to say the most. HISAO: I think this has been the best day of my life so far. SAYORI: Mine too, Hisao, mine too… The dreamy tone in her voice makes me smile. Oh, Sayori… You're perfect. Literally. There isn't a single thing that I'd change about you. She opens her mouth to protest. On instinct, I know what she's going to say. HISAO: Yes, even your depression. I've been so, so proud of you. You've come such a long way. From opening up to me, agreeing to therapy, eventually having the strength to do it alone… I'm so happy that I'm able to have been by your side. I know we've only been together for two months, but it honestly feels a lot longer. There's a silence for a moment. SAYORI: ...I don't know what to say, Hisao, I really don't. Except thank you, and I love you. I couldn't have imagined doing any of this without you. You're the best boyfriend a girl could ever ask for… HISAO: Eh, I'm nothing special. It's you who- SAYORI: No, you really are, Hisao. You're just too modest to see it… You've always been so caring and loving towards me. Since day one, you've always made it your mission to put a smile on my face. Something you've always succeeded at. You're the sunshine in my life, the light that's there to guide me through my darkest days. Something that I'll always be so, so grateful for. You haven't just given me a reason to smile. No, you gave me something I thought I'd forever lost. You gave me hope. Actual, genuine hope. That maybe...just maybe… Things might be okay. 43. Credits - Doki Doki Blue Skies OST  As the credit music swells, we get a brief slideshow of backgrounds from throughout the route, each feeding into each other. Then we cut to a blown-up version of the mod logo…  … And start to roll credits. Blue Skies was not a small project, they list a couple dozen people at least.  Then, we reach the screen that marks the end of the route. So ends Sayori’s story. Expect the route wrap up at least a week from now; between job duties and family coming in for the weekend, it’ll take me some time to cobble together something.
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Jul 1, 2022 02:47
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I can't help but chuckle at the sex scene still playing out in full just, on a black screen.
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Jul 1, 2022 03:02
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Beautiful. 
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Jul 1, 2022 20:12
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Hello folks! I've been around since the tail end of the Katawa Shoujo LP and I'm now making my way through this one. DDLC was one of the most important games in my life and it's been cool to see it get a bit of a glow-up here with this KS-inspired route. I honestly didn't expect much of it so I never went through the mod myself, but having now gone through Katawa Shoujo and halfway through reading this one (I'm only on Update 25, but I wanted to chime in while it was on my mind)... well, I'm enjoying it. Curious to see where they go with it -- hopefully I'll finish in time to chime in after the new wrap-up post from Falconier. I'd love to give perspective for how this mod compares to the original game since I know not everyone is familiar, and to share my own perspectives about what's good and bad about it. An earlier comment about mental health stigma in Japan reminded me of a manga I ran across a few months back. I don't believe it's been translated into English, so I've been reading fan translations, but it's called SHRINK ~Psychiatrist Yowai~ (In Japanese, Shrink〜精神科医ヨワイ〜) and I've found it a really interesting explanation of many mental health disorders in the context of Japanese culture. It's nice to see an approachable discussion of mental health in Japanese media since I've heard about that stigma as much as anyone else. Would highly recommend giving it a read; I'd love to know especially if people feel their own issues are adequately explained (panic attacks, depression, developmental disorders, bipolar, etc.)
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Jul 27, 2022 20:23
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The game doesn't catch my interest the way KS did, but I'm here for the discussions.
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Aug 1, 2022 08:42
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