|
Despite being founding archetypes of Western theological and literary canon, the Olympians of ancient Greece were just awful, absolute dogshit. Not only morally abhorrent even by the standards of their day, but frankly bad at being the god of the thing they're in charge of. Let's run down the list: Zeus: Rapist. Just a full on flat out rapist, like holy loving poo poo. Zeus sets the standard that would be passed down through all the civilizations of the ages of "guy in charge fucks his underlings whether they want it or not." Hera: Despite being the goddess in charge of marriage, she has the shittiest marriage in all creation, and whenever her husband's eye wanders, does HE ever get any flack? No, she gets all victim-blamey about it and takes out her frustrations on the random mortal that Zeus just raped, cursing them with some weird fate worse than death. Despite being a goddess of motherhood, she hates her OWN kids more than almost anyone. Poseidon: Poseidon is like Zeus but even more impulsive and mean about it. Just as rapey but with even less finesse about it. Holds a grudge for loving ever and likes toying with people about it. Likes creating monsters and siccing them on people like a bored kid playing SimCity. gently caress the ocean. Demeter: Happy harvest goddess, right? Until she gets empty nest syndrome and turns so frigid she causes a famine and kills half the world. Also set a baby on fire once. Apollo: God of rationality, medicine and music. Somehow always makes bad decisions and solves all his problems with violent brutality. He's only god of music because the one time someone played an instrument better than him, he just skinned them alive. Handsome, but with such a bad personality that women would rather turn themselves into trees than let themselves be hosed by him. Artemis: Goddess of the hunt. Probably a more impressive portfolio back before her portfolio was dominated by drunk rednecks. Also had a dude turned into a stag and torn apart by dogs for seeing her naked once. Ares: Just loving pathetic. Despite being the god of war and martial prowess, never wins a fight ever and gets dunked on by literally everyone, including that time during the Trojan War he got stabbed by a regular-rear end mortal and cried to his dad about it. Athena: The smart one, except she gets there by tearing down everyone else. Goddess of internalized misogyny, turned a lady into a spider because she weaved a tapestry about how lovely all the gods are, and made Medusa hideous for the temerity to be raped by a different god in her temple. Hephaestus: God of nerd incels. Had to buy his hot wife from the other gods, and she cheats on him all the time. Once tried to rape Athena, got his rear end kicked, jerked off while crying, and his discarded cum-sock would go on to found the city of Athens. Aphrodite: Literally insane. Fucks everyone but her husband. Causes wars for shits n giggles. If you're celibate she will have you torn apart by bears, but also if her kid Eros wants a relationship she will lock his rear end up like Rapunzel because she's also, paradoxically, an overprotective prude. Hermes: God of thieves, travelers, and commerce. Despite all that, has barely any interesting myths because it's hard to be a dashing rogue when you're omnipotent. God of being a 1%er slumming it. Dionysus: In theory god of booze, in reality god of terrible ideas. Will do horrifying things to you for little or no reason, even by the standards of other Greek Gods. You will die, torn limb from limb by your own family members, simultaneously laughing and screaming in a pool of your own vomit and blood. Honorary mentions Hades: Rules the underworld (thus not technically an Olympian, doesn't live on Mt Olympus because he kills the party vibe too hard) and is a bit too inventive about his eternal Hell punishments. Also got married via abduction, but Zeus signed off on it which makes it... better? Hestia: Domestic goddess of the hearth and home. A genuinely pleasant goddess, does her job without any rape or murder or bestiality. Which is probably why she retired and gave up her seat on Olympus to Dionysus, because gently caress hanging out these nutjobs if you don't absolutely have to
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 20:17
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 11, 2024 08:34 |
|
|
A lot of mythology makes a lot of sense once you realize it is in the context of everybody is either a drunk rear end in a top hat, horny idiot, or preferably both at the same time
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 20:21
|
|
|
probably Mesperyian
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 20:25
|
|
|
Pipiadudu God of your posting op
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 20:27
|
|
|
Hercules fucks
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 20:28
|
|
|
I dunno how it can be anyone other than Zeus op.
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 20:31
|
|
|
in my house we only refer to the gods by their roman names
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 20:31
|
|
|
Hades is a little whining shithead because he's all WAHHHH WE DREW LOTS AND I GOT STUCK IN THE UNDERWORLD and so to compensate he steals Demeter's daughter because why not? What better way to get revenge on your brothers than to steal your niece? Also his boss fight in Hades can blow me god I hate that fight
|
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 20:32
|
|
|
Bad Purchase posted:in my house we only refer to the gods by their roman names Janus voice: "I ... Did actually see that coming sorry I can't help it"
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 20:35
|
|
|
Bilius the god of hangovers
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 20:49
|
|
|
Farticus
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 20:50
|
|
|
twerkules
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 20:50
|
|
|
they all pretty much suck poo poo op killing them all in GoW 3 owns
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 20:54
|
|
|
OP seems suspiciously Titan-ish...
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 20:55
|
|
|
Aphroditus 
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 20:55
|
|
|
Credit where it's due, Dionysus and Posidon are at least good at their jobs given they're the personification of their domain ramped up to 11. Unlike Zeus. When have you ever seen a storm get someone pregnant? Hell, for that matter how often did he even throw his vaunted lightningbolts? At least his leadership of the gods was a pretty good representation of workplace management.
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 20:56
|
|
|
Lawman 0 posted:I dunno how it can be anyone other than Zeus op. Rape Man Worst Man, OP.
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 21:03
|
|
|
Cybele was pretty demanding, self castration and all that
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 21:08
|
|
|
Asterite34 posted:Ares: largely the point, op. i can understand people who've been in battles not wanting to glorify the god of carnage too much tbh also a considerable number of dionysus/herakles civiliser myths are basically them going round cleaning up the psycho failgod's psycho failchildren. kinda makes sense that the city-states that tied themselves to these guys needed a patsy. anyway zeus is worst e: lol the mods closed the thread without the poll
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 21:09
|
|
|
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 21:12
|
|
|
I always liked the idea that the story of Hades and Persephone is just her crazy mother's side of the story like from an estranged parent forum when what really happened was Persephone just wanted to get away from her. Not the best foundation for a marriage, but when your mom is so controlling that she plunges the entire world in a cold darkness because she doesn't like your boyfriend, what are you gonna do?
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 21:12
|
|
|
Ishtar has a nice gate
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 21:14
|
|
|
Random Stranger posted:I always liked the idea that the story of Hades and Persephone is just her crazy mother's side of the story like from an estranged parent forum when what really happened was Persephone just wanted to get away from her. Not the best foundation for a marriage, but when your mom is so controlling that she plunges the entire world in a cold darkness because she doesn't like your boyfriend, what are you gonna do? I always liked the interpretation that it was a rebellious teenager type thing going after an older dude on a
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 21:15
|
|
|
Sterculius
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 21:18
|
|
|
Those gods were just fine before they went on the internet, then their whole brains broke. They still post but i'm not gonna doxx them
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 21:22
|
|
|
imo the Greek Gods are like the funniest because, at least to me, it seems like most religions tend to portray gods as enlightened beings. Not necessarily perfect or all knowing, but at least operating on a level above humans. But the Greek Gods are every bit as petty, vindictive, vain, and just generally lovely as human beings are. Like someone just picked a number of everyday human jerks at random, gave them immortality and some powers, and there you go there's the gods lol.
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 21:27
|
|
|
There's tons of old religions with a pantheon of dumbasses
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 21:33
|
|
|
It's old timey telenovela. Of course they are all terrible.Colonel Cancer posted:Bilius the god of hangovers Don't forget the Oh
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 21:33
|
|
|
They are all very sexy in that Hades game
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 21:36
|
|
|
Meme Poker Party posted:imo the Greek Gods are like the funniest because, at least to me, it seems like most religions tend to portray gods as enlightened beings. Not necessarily perfect or all knowing, but at least operating on a level above humans. But the Greek Gods are every bit as petty, vindictive, vain, and just generally lovely as human beings are. Like someone just picked a number of everyday human jerks at random, gave them immortality and some powers, and there you go there's the gods lol. Like 99% of religions have gently caress up Gods and most of them suck or lose badly in some way
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 21:38
|
|
|
Silenus? Big fat old drunk
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 21:41
|
|
|
Thinking on it a minute, I think Ares, despite being a gently caress-up, might be one of the less horrible ones. At least he's the more feminist of the male Olympians. He's a huge mama's boy despite Hera hating him, as far as I know he never raped anyone, Aphrodite seems to genuinely like him, he's a doting and protective dad to his various daughters (including like half the Amazons). Yeah he's kinda violent, but aside from that whole Cadmus thing, I can't think of a time he was like, an exceptionally huge dick. Yeah he never gets to win fights, but I guess when you're the god of soldier-level combat you kinda HAVE to struggle a little to be relatable. Soldiers aren't gonna pray to Athena for their distant general to come up with some brilliant plan while they're in the thick of it getting butchered. You pray to Ares to help you see another sunrise, and that guy sympathizes
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 21:48
|
|
|
I'm a Greek god oh, look at me I'm shooting arrows at a city and starting a war. Oh look at me, I'm getting mad about an apple and starting a war. I'm sucking my own dick and starting a war
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 21:50
|
|
|
The best thing about the greek gods is the they're public domain and you can make up anything you want about them and no one can say it isn't canon. I have my own OG called Testicles, but please do not steal
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 21:53
|
|
|
Life as a Greek woman must suck because every goose, bull, or tree could be Zeus. Meanwhile Greek men have all sorts of gay orgies portrayed on pottery and poo poo so they had it made.
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 22:02
|
|
|
Apollo is the Ben Shapiro of gods, in that he has a reputation as being clever and rational but is really an unfuckable weirdo who never does or says anything smart
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 22:04
|
|
|
 relatable
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 22:06
|
|
|
Asterite34 posted:Apollo is the Ben Shapiro of gods, in that he has a reputation as being clever and rational but is really an unfuckable weirdo who never does or says anything smart He's not even the best musician. He's sitting there with his dinky little harp and Ares is rocking out and getting famous for kicking rad ostinatos and little tuba solos.
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 22:23
|
|
|
pan was the only god that ever actually died and it feels like you gotta be a real dumbass to let that happen but he also loved to party so actually he's good. I dont know.
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 22:26
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 11, 2024 08:34 |
|
|
TheAwfulWaffle posted:Sterculius
|
|
#
?
May 12, 2022 22:37
|
|
