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Did you write this in a different way/place than the others? It's so much clearer to read.
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Nov 5, 2022 06:24
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I'd suggest trying to write about the place, instead of the event. Not having to delve into the specifics of whatever happened on a given day. Just painting the scene and letting the stories flow as they come to you and you feel able to express them. Trying to plow straight through a writer's block is perhaps possible, but not enjoyable and you will not be happy with the end product. The food, the weather, the local customs, the local wildlife, the colors of the place and how they differed from your homeland and home region, the difference in the seasons, just getting accustomed to the time zone. All that stuff is usually the details that get in the way of the story when you have a specific story you want/need to tell. But they are also the details that make the story special or plant the seed of the next story.
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Nov 5, 2022 11:28
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SerthVarnee posted:I'd suggest trying to write about the place, instead of the event. The truth is it isn't writer's block in the traditional sense. I have something 75+% written; I just need to get that last little bit out. Part of the problem is that last 25% is going to suck bad. The bigger part of the problem is that it is something I need to get out, it's probably one of the heavier things, and I am torn between the idea of carrying it forever, or feel like I'm trying to push it onto others. It's not true or accurate, but feelings don't have to make sense. It'll come when it's ready. Pikehead posted:Did you write this in a different way/place than the others? It's so much clearer to read. Couldn't say for certain, but I'd guess it was a good day for my hands, combined with that being the 2nd copy (usually, the scans are of the 2nd copy). Someday, it's good. Most days, it's shakey or sloppy. Compression gloves help, and the only good part of winter is being able to pack my hands in snow when they ache. Tangent- When I got my hands X-Rayed at the VA, the doctor looked and asked how long I've boxed. I've never boxed. I have a nice left jab, a mean straight right, and am nicknamed "Farmboy" because of haymakers. "Never- been in a few fights, did some dumbs, and went hands on a lot. Why?" "Because your hands are filled with scar tissue and traumatic onset arthritis. I typically only see this in fighters. It looks like you have about 9 years of boxing." I actually asked my therapist a question for next session. I don't seem to be able to relate to other combat Vets often. It seems like our individual burdens and traumas are unrelatable, and I don't understand it. It feels like I'm the only G.I.Joe figure with broken thumbs when everyone else has a crotch broke. We're broken, but from different things. Like the experiences I have are removed from others. I'm explaining it poorly, I know. Another poor description- the war was something that happened TO them; it wasn't something that happened WITH them. Anyway, love you guys.
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Nov 5, 2022 16:25
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bulletsponge13 posted:
I dunno, that kinda makes sense to me. It's a massively impactful event in your life, but aside from the general military dickery stuff, you can't really talk shop about your messed up legs with someone who had their spine hosed up. You can relate to the feeling of getting crippled for sure, but the cause of the damage, the medical recovery side and all the "poo poo I have to live with daily" are completely different. Relatable, but foreign at the same time. Talking about how something completely changed your ability to live your life can sound extremely hollow to someone who still has use of that bodypart, but has lost use of another equally critical bodypart.
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Nov 5, 2022 16:59
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         Sorry, jacked up the numbering at the bottom.
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Nov 5, 2022 22:42
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bulletsponge13 posted:I actually asked my therapist a question for next session. I don't seem to be able to relate to other combat Vets often. It seems like our individual burdens and traumas are unrelatable, and I don't understand it. It feels like I'm the only G.I.Joe figure with broken thumbs when everyone else has a crotch broke. We're broken, but from different things. Like the experiences I have are removed from others. I'm explaining it poorly, I know. Another poor description- the war was something that happened TO them; it wasn't something that happened WITH them. A couple of things are extremely common after a traumatic event: people often clam up and struggle to talk about what has happened or more importantly what they are experiencing and this itself is often motivated by a deep sense of "nobody could possibly understand the enormity of what I am feeling." I have heard variations on this theme from more kids, soldiers, first responders and adults than I can count and, frankly, it's something I have felt myself after it was my turn in the barrel. It creates this sense of always sticking out, always being different or like you're half a pace out of sync with the rest of society. There is some truth to it in that two people can go through the exact same event, and yet experience that event and its aftermath in two radically different ways-- we are all individuals after all. You've pointed out different times that your upbringing made you go to war in a lot of ways long before you ever joined the army and I can see how that kind of experience could give you certain survival skills that served to change the way you experienced and were impacted by a lot of the terrible things that you encountered. I think it also makes a strong case for considering what happened to you as an example of complex trauma, in that you've been subjected to enough deeply disturbing events that it's not really possible to point at one single thing and say "that right there is what really did the damage" because the injuries had been occurring in one form or another since you were a child and this continued into adulthood. What you are saying isn't really weird to me, I have heard things like this before and I say this in no way to invalidate the nature of your experiences or how they have hurt you. I think it is also really unfair to define a person in terms of what has happened or been done to them-- so for this reason what makes you remarkable is the deep introspection I've been able to continually observe from what you have shared here and elsewhere. Complex trauma is a real bastard to deal with because of its intricate nature and origins, so being able to confront your past and present as you have is a hell of an accomplishment.
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Nov 5, 2022 23:59
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bulletsponge13 posted:
Oh. I should have asked before spraypainting excerpts on every rail bridge from C. Florida to N. Alabama then! Real-talk, I've read your stories out loud to my family and friends. They love them. It can be difficult to read and listen to. Not because of how they're presented or written, but the feelings these stories bring with them. Comfortable intimacy in uncomfortable spaces and places, much like your poem. If that seems dark or anything, rest assured it isn't. Warmth and truthfulness is what I feel, from myself, reading what you've wrought. madeintaipei fucked around with this message at 00:50 on Nov 6, 2022 |
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Nov 6, 2022 00:46
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Fearless posted:A couple of things are extremely common after a traumatic event: people often clam up and struggle to talk about what has happened or more importantly what they are experiencing and this itself is often motivated by a deep sense of "nobody could possibly understand the enormity of what I am feeling." I have heard variations on this theme from more kids, soldiers, first responders and adults than I can count and, frankly, it's something I have felt myself after it was my turn in the barrel. It creates this sense of always sticking out, always being different or like you're half a pace out of sync with the rest of society. There is some truth to it in that two people can go through the exact same event, and yet experience that event and its aftermath in two radically different ways-- we are all individuals after all. You've pointed out different times that your upbringing made you go to war in a lot of ways long before you ever joined the army and I can see how that kind of experience could give you certain survival skills that served to change the way you experienced and were impacted by a lot of the terrible things that you encountered. I think it also makes a strong case for considering what happened to you as an example of complex trauma, in that you've been subjected to enough deeply disturbing events that it's not really possible to point at one single thing and say "that right there is what really did the damage" because the injuries had been occurring in one form or another since you were a child and this continued into adulthood. Thank you, for the comments and insight. I realized I phrased it poorly. It just feels like the moral injuries we suffer come from such vastly different places. What I'm about to say is crass, over simplified, and stupid- I just don't understand where their hurt comes from, because it's from a totally different locale than mine. I just can't relate to the guy who thought he was gonna die once, because that is only scary if you want to live; just like they can't grasp why a single dead body that I had no responsibility for fucks me up for days. We have different starting points and different values. Ignoring the fact that enlistment was my slow motion suicide attempt, I viewed my service as something akin to a calling. It wasn't a job where you punch out and go home- I feel and still feel that if you are going to go to war, it should consume you, because those people don't get to punch out. It just feels like for many, they went for them, that their experiences were the only ones that happened and mattered. They weren't players on the stage, they were monologuing before the group musical number; to continue the dumb analogy, I was in the Greek Chorus, faceless in the light. Maybe it feels like I'm not the star in my own trauma, and that is why I don't get it, or that since I had little regard for life or limb, the idea of facing my own mortality and having it scream from the darkness is childish and alien. Related- there is a look I get from friends after I share a bit that says, "OK, maybe YOU need to hear the replay on that one. That's ungood." I got it from my wife, when during a party, I said something to the effect of "Almost dying is only scary the first 2 or 3 times. After that, it's annoying." I don't know how to explain it- I don't feel like utterly despondent or lost. I know I am not the only one to feel like this. I know I'm not alone; it just feels like someone has the focus wrong. Either me or them, I don't know. I think it's mental starting point- I was a dumb, fatalistic idealist looking for a meaningful death. Most signed up to kill AQ and college money. Not saying their motives weren't pure, or that mine were all above board (if I didn't buy the farm, I wanted to buy a farm plot), but different mindsets. For me, the war was a way out, one way or another, but I just wanted to do good by others. In short- theirs is about them; I feel like mine are often about others. I also bare in mind I had a very unique war experience, one that in itself is hard to relate to if you weren't there. I've met few troopers who got the opportunity to be close to the locals. I got very lucky. I think I got it accidentally right when I said "Too smart for the Infantry, too sensitive for war" E- madeintaipei posted:Oh. I should have asked before spraypainting excerpts on every rail bridge from C. Florida to N. Alabama then! ❤️ to you and yours E2- I meant share around the forums (in an effort to listen to my stupid talky head lady doc), I've toyed with the idea of having it shared in the announcements, but am more than hesitant to invite outsiders to our place. bulletsponge13 fucked around with this message at 01:31 on Nov 6, 2022 |
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Nov 6, 2022 01:10
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bulletsponge13 posted:Thank you, for the comments and insight. I don't think you phrased anything poorly at all-- any disconnect here, if indeed there is one, is entirely on my end. That said, I recognize that another person saying you're not weird might not be something a person can take on or truly feel. With that said, is one of the really unsettling things you had to confront a sense of profound individual insignificance? I get a real sense here that the individual danger isn't automatically something that registers for you personally but the terrible things that happened to others is another thing entirely. I remember you saying "too smart for the infantry, too sensitive for war" before and I think that is very accurate in a lot of ways because there is a very strong sense of empathy that can be observed in your writing-- an impartiality born of an ability to look at the world through the eyes of another person. This might offer some insight into how seeing others harmed, or seeing how immense structural forces grind up individuals consumes them, affects you so deeply.
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Nov 6, 2022 01:35
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Fearless posted:I don't think you phrased anything poorly at all-- any disconnect here, if indeed there is one, is entirely on my end. That said, I recognize that another person saying you're not weird might not be something a person can take on or truly feel. With that said, is one of the really unsettling things you had to confront a sense of profound individual insignificance? I get a real sense here that the individual danger isn't automatically something that registers for you personally but the terrible things that happened to others is another thing entirely. I remember you saying "too smart for the infantry, too sensitive for war" before and I think that is very accurate in a lot of ways because there is a very strong sense of empathy that can be observed in your writing-- an impartiality born of an ability to look at the world through the eyes of another person. This might offer some insight into how seeing others harmed, or seeing how immense structural forces grind up individuals consumes them, affects you so deeply. My only feelings of insignificance come from the fact I couldn't do enough. I'm genuine enough with myself to know that no matter how I try and twist the scenarios and responsibilities, I know there are people alive because of me, and that I did everything I could with what I had at the moment. My efforts weren't insignificant. I can live with that. I have issues with being powerless, as do most people of my background. Look at how I write of being there- God, Titan- they aren't chosen for literary reasons. You are a God of the lesser variety, able to mete a modicum of justice, but unable to make miracles. I am a pessimistic idealist. I want people to be their best, but expect them to be poo poo. My neglect and abuse served to shelter me from some realities, but left me to my own ends to fill in blanks. War filled in a lot of blanks. My moral compass was built by pop culture and comic books- I have no issue with bad things happening to people that deserve it by doing wrong, but every needless injustice to the undeserved wounds. I believed the best, and went to a place where the worst is the best you can hope for.
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Nov 6, 2022 02:59
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shot in the dark here but guessing Preacher is one of your top 5? e: because that line "You gotta be one of the good guys because we got way too many of the bad" really resonates with your posting shame on an IGA fucked around with this message at 03:39 on Nov 6, 2022 |
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Nov 6, 2022 03:36
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shame on an IGA posted:shot in the dark here but guessing Preacher is one of your top 5? I don't know if it's Top 5, but Ennis is one of my favorite writers of all time. Ive read probably 90+% of his work. He writes soldiers incredibly well for someone removed from service- but gently caress Charlie Rover Red. I didn't make one page. I can never read that line without getting struck with emotion. I read Preacher as an adult, and had to take a break at that page. It's not the same words, but it's the same sentiment I was came up under.
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Nov 6, 2022 04:19
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Nov 7, 2022 01:42
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Nov 7, 2022 02:51
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Nov 7, 2022 02:53
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Well that's your first post that makes me tear up. Not quite sure how I feel about that considering the other great material. But yeah, real dusty here all of a sudden.
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Nov 7, 2022 06:25
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Disney Princess with a Kaloashnikov is an emotive image.
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Nov 7, 2022 08:06
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bulletsponge13 posted:
Dude, we all processed war differently. Just because we were all in combat doesn't mean that we felt things the same way; the main thing we have in common is that it was suck, and we had to deal with it without any assistance. I love your stuff because even though it's not any of the same wars I fought, it still has that thread that binds all of us idiots that joined together.
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Nov 7, 2022 21:21
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Humbug Scoolbus posted:Dude, we all processed war differently. Just because we were all in combat doesn't mean that we felt things the same way; the main thing we have in common is that it was suck, and we had to deal with it without any assistance. I love your stuff because even though it's not any of the same wars I fought, it still has that thread that binds all of us idiots that joined together. It's just a weird sensation to be trauma exchanging, and feeling like you read the wrong book for book club. I'm not trying to invalidate their pain in any way- but it just feels like we filmed from different angles. I mean I can empathize and even relate mostly. I think it just gives me an alien feeling. Some of it of course comes down to what we share- is not easy, and it's more difficult when given the DoD mentality towards mental health. I never felt the need to hide what I experienced. I I cultivate what I share socially, because war can be a bit of a buzzkill. I made a decision a long time ago to focus on the positive, and make an effort to share the positive experiences and anecdotes. To me it felt more genuine about the experience of war. I have a pet theory that the strange prism that I tried to show to others helped me heal some of the unrelateable issues I see with others, and the casual approach to my own wellbeing contributes to some. I don't mean to give the impression that I am not hosed up by the 'normal' things- trauma doesn't work that way- it's just odd to see what hits who and how. Relatability is relative anyway, and largely immaterial if helps anyone heal.
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Nov 8, 2022 03:59
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Nov 13, 2022 04:00
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I would like to reiterate that it is vitally important that you continue to write this all down, and that you eventually get it published in some form or other.
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Nov 13, 2022 15:56
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I could do this on a shirt
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Nov 13, 2022 19:33
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Attempted Murder of an Endangered Species isn't a war crime, just a normal one, I think. Hypothetically.      
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Nov 16, 2022 03:55
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Work it into a resume anyway. "I have never machine gunned a butterfly, however this does not reflect a lack of effort."
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Nov 16, 2022 04:44
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shame on an IGA posted:Work it into a resume anyway. "I have never machine gunned a butterfly, however this does not reflect a lack of effort." My wife had never heard the story. I love animals- my wife swears I have a specific voice and attitude for animals and small children; I got emotional when my gold fish died. I hate that I've had to put animals down, so she was a bit shocked when I told her. Wife-"If there a reason why you tried to machine gun the butterfly?" "Yeah, gently caress him. He came into MY house. Don't start some, there won't be none." She leaned up, kissed my cheek, and shook her head.
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Nov 16, 2022 17:56
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Dec 17, 2022 18:55
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Merry Christmas, thread.   
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Dec 25, 2022 19:00
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What does strap hanging mean?
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Dec 26, 2022 01:14
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A.o.D. posted:What does strap hanging mean? Just jumping on for that mission or operation.
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Dec 26, 2022 01:25
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E: f, b.
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Dec 26, 2022 01:26
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I was in Baghdad that day, probably just a few miles away from you when that was happening. I remember the rain that winter.
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Dec 26, 2022 02:39
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Midjack posted:I was in Baghdad that day, probably just a few miles away from you when that was happening. I remember the rain that winter.  E- I hope I described it accurately to your recollection. bulletsponge13 fucked around with this message at 06:01 on Dec 26, 2022 |
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Dec 26, 2022 03:06
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"Often kind, but mostly stupid." That's your book title.
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Dec 26, 2022 03:46
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I've been a little harsh on myself because with with all the chaos of moving from our long term housing back to our half finished home, until I realized I wrote more than GRRM in 2022.
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Jan 8, 2023 17:16
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mischief posted:"Often kind, but mostly stupid." Hard agree, good poo poo man
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Feb 2, 2023 06:23
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mischief posted:"Often kind, but mostly stupid." Yeah, this. And it really needs to be published, you write beautifully.
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Feb 2, 2023 06:58
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Was weird to see notifications that weren't from my posts. As always, thank you guys. ❤️ Admin Note- New, better scanner. Might be wonk until I learn it.    
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Feb 3, 2023 03:04
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ooo did somebody get a bottle of Organics Nitrogen?
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Feb 3, 2023 03:09
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shame on an IGA posted:ooo did somebody get a bottle of Organics Nitrogen? This is some Ferris Wheel Press ink- not sure the color. I have- no hyperbole- about 50 different inks. I just grab one and go. Fake Edit- I think this is Time Tumbling Blue.
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Feb 3, 2023 03:14
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goddamn that mood shift at the end. Massive joy filled buildup, creeping unease and then boom. Right in the hurt.
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Feb 3, 2023 09:30
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