Mega64 posted:

Sounds cool, but it wants my phone number to register an account so gently caress that.

Sid Vicious posted:

penis

Handen posted:

Phrosphor posted:

Earwicker posted:

technically it disobeyed my request ("is" implies currently illegal) but still, pretty impressive

Here is the first page of a screenplay of an episode of Pokemon banned for being too disturbing posted:

INT. POKEMON CENTER - DAY
NURSE JOY and her two CHILD assistants are taking care of a very sick EEVEE.
JOY EEVEE, hang in there. The camera zooms in on EEVEE's face.
It is panting and its eyes are bloodshot.
JOY (CONT'D) We're doing everything we can.
One of the CHILD assistants is holding EEVEE's paw.
CHILD ASSISTANT #1 Please get better, EEVEE.
Nurse Joy looks over at the other CHILD assistant who is holding an IV bag.
JOY How's that IV coming?
CHILD ASSISTANT #2 Almost ready.
Nurse Joy goes over to help the child assistant with the IV.
JOY (CONT'D) Let's get this IV in EEVEE before it's too late.
Suddenly, EEVEE's eyes roll into the back of its head and it goes into convulsions.
JOY (CONT'D) EEVEE!
The child assistant drops the IV bag and Nurse Joy catches EEVEE.
JOY (CONT'D) It's okay, EEVEE. We're here for you.
But EEVEE is unresponsive. Its body is limp and its eyes are still rolled back into its head. Nurse Joy looks shocked and saddened.
CHILD ASSISTANT #1 Is EEVEE going to be okay?
Nurse Joy doesn't say anything. She just hangs her head and silently shakes her head.
CHILD ASSISTANT #2 No…

Here is the first page of a screenplay of an episode of Seinfeld banned for being too disturbing posted:

INT. SEINFELD APARTMENT - NIGHT
George is on the phone with his girlfriend, TERESA.
GEORGE: No, Teresa, I don't want to break up with you.
He paces around the apartment, clearly agitated.
GEORGE: I don't know what you're talking about. We've only been dating for a few weeks.
He listens for a moment, then his face suddenly changes.
GEORGE: Oh, my God.
He sinks down onto the couch, horrified.
GEORGE: You're right, Teresa. We should break up.
He hangs up the phone and sits there for a moment, stunned. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. George gets up to answer it, still in a state of shock. He opens the door to find JERRY standing there.
JERRY: Hey, George.
George just stares at him for a moment, then starts to laugh maniacally. George, still laughing, grabs Jerry by the throat and starts to choke him. Jerry struggles to break free, but George is too strong. Jerry starts to turn blue in the face. Finally, George throws Jerry's lifeless body to the ground and walks back into his apartment, still laughing.
FADE TO BLACK.

Here is the transcript of an episode of Antique Roadshow where someone is trying to sell an eldritch artifact of unimaginable horrors posted:

"This is an... interesting piece," the appraiser says, hesitantly.
"Where did you say you acquired it?"
"Oh, I found it in my grandmother's attic," the owner replies. "It was just sitting in a dusty old box, and I thought it might be worth something."
The appraiser looks uncomfortable now, and starts to edge away from the artifact.
"I'm not sure what it is, exactly," he says slowly, "but I would strongly advise you to get rid of it. It has an... unnerving effect on me."
"What do you mean?" the owner asks, frowning.
"I can't quite explain it," the appraiser replies, "but it feels like... like it's watching me. There's something very wrong with it."
He looks deeply troubled now, and the owner begins to look worried as well. "I think you should get rid of it," the appraiser says firmly. "It's not safe to have around."

quote:

write the script of an episode of Seinfeld that has Cesare Borgia as a guest star

The episode opens with Jerry and his friends sitting in Monk's Café. Jerry is telling a story about how he was almost scammed by a con artist. He says that he was saved by a "mysterious stranger" who intervened at the last minute.

George asks if this "mysterious stranger" was a hot woman. Jerry says that he didn't get a good look at her, but she did have a very distinctive voice.

Just then, the door to the café opens and in walks Cesare Borgia. Jerry and his friends are surprised to see him.

Cesare Borgia: Hello, my friends. I hope I'm not intruding.

Jerry: No, no, not at all. Please, have a seat.

Cesare Borgia: Thank you.

Jerry: So, what brings you to New York?

Cesare Borgia: I am on a diplomatic mission for my father, Pope Alexander VI.

George: The Pope? Wow!

Jerry: I hear he's a pretty tough guy.

Cesare Borgia: He can be, but he's also a very fair man.

Jerry: So, what's the mission?

Cesare Borgia: We are here to negotiate a peace treaty with the Sultan of the Ottoman Empire.

Jerry: That sounds like a pretty big deal.

Cesare Borgia: It is. But I think we can reach an agreement.

Jerry: I hope so. For the sake of all the people who will be affected by the war.

Just then, the waitress comes over to take their order.

Waitress: What can I get you?

Cesare Borgia: I'll have a glass of your finest red wine.

Jerry: We'll have the same.

George: And I'll have a beer.

Waitress: Coming right up.

After the waitress leaves, Jerry asks Cesare about his work. Cesare tells them about some of the challenges he's faced in his career.

Jerry: It sounds like you've had a lot of experience with difficult people.

Cesare Borgia: Yes, I have. But I've always tried to find a way to reach an agreement that is beneficial for both sides.

Jerry: I hope you can find a way to do that with the Sultan.

Cesare Borgia: I will do my best.

George: So, how do you like New York?

Cesare Borgia: It's very different from Rome, but I like it.

George: Yeah, it's a lot busier here.

Cesare Borgia: Yes, but there is a certain energy to this city that I find very intoxicating.

Jerry: I know what you mean. I love it here.

Just then, the waitress comes back with their drinks.

Waitress: Here you are.

Cesare Borgia: Thank you.

Jerry: So, Cesare, what do you think of our city?

Cesare Borgia: I like it. But there is one thing that I don't understand.

Jerry: What's that?

Cesare Borgia: Why do you call this place "Monk's Café"?

Jerry: Well, that's a long story. But the short version is that it used to be owned by a guy named Monk.

Cesare Borgia: I see.

Jerry: So, what do you think of the wine?

Cesare Borgia: It's very good.

Jerry: I'm glad you like it.

After a few more minutes of small talk, Cesare gets up to leave.

Cesare Borgia: I'm sorry to cut this short, but I must go.

Jerry: That's okay. We understand.

Cesare Borgia: It was nice meeting you all.

Jerry: Nice meeting you, too, Cesare.

George: Yeah, good luck with the negotiations.

Cesare Borgia: Thank you. I'll need all the luck I can get.

Jerry: I'm sure you'll do fine.

Cesare Borgia: Thank you.

After Cesare leaves, Jerry and his friends continue to talk about him.

Jerry: He seems like a really nice guy.

George: Yeah, he does.

Jerry: I hope he can reach an agreement with the Sultan.

George: Me too. The last thing we need is another war.

quote:

write a script for an episode of Frasier in which it is revealed that Niles Crane does not exist and is a figment of Frasier's imagination

[FADE IN: INT. KITCHEN - DAY. Frasier is making breakfast when the doorbell rings.]

FRASIER: I'll get it!

[Frasier opens the door to reveal his brother, Niles.]

NILES: Good morning, Frasier.

FRASIER: Niles! What are you doing here?

NILES: I came to borrow some eggs. You see, I was making breakfast for Maris this morning and I realized that I was out of eggs.

FRASIER: That's a strange coincidence. I was just making breakfast myself and I happened to have an extra egg.

NILES: Well, I'll just take that one then.

[Niles reaches for the egg, but Frasier stops him.]

FRASIER: Niles, wait a minute. I just realized something.

NILES: What is it?

FRASIER: You don't exist.

NILES: What are you talking about?

FRASIER: You're not real. You're just a figment of my imagination.

NILES: Frasier, you're not making any sense.

FRASIER: It all makes sense now. I created you as an idealized version of myself. You're everything that I'm not. You're successful, you're sophisticated, you're married to a beautiful woman.

NILES: Frasier, you're starting to scare me.

FRASIER: You're not real, Niles. You don't exist.

[Niles starts to fade away.]

NILES: Frasier, no!

[Niles disappears. Frasier looks around his empty apartment.]

FRASIER: Niles? Niles!

[Frasier collapsed to the ground, weeping.]

quote:

write a script for an episode of Frasier in which he solves the Fermi Paradox

Frasier is sitting in his office at the radio station when Niles comes in.

Niles: Frasier, have you ever heard of the Fermi Paradox?

Frasier: No, what is it?

Niles: It's a paradox named after physicist Enrico Fermi. It's the apparent contradiction between the high likelihood that extraterrestrial civilizations exist and the lack of any evidence for their existence.

Frasier: That is a paradox.

Niles: I know! I can't stop thinking about it.

Frasier: Well, maybe we can solve it.

Niles: How?

Frasier: Let's think about it like a math problem. If there are an infinite number of stars in the universe, then there must be an infinite number of planets. And if there are an infinite number of planets, then there must be some that are habitable for life.

Niles: Right.

Frasier: And if there are some that are habitable for life, then there must be some that have intelligent life.

Niles: Yes, but we've never seen any evidence of intelligent life elsewhere in the universe.

Frasier: That's the paradox. But maybe we can solve it if we think about it a different way.

Niles: How?

Frasier: Let's say that there are a million planets with intelligent life. And let's say that on each of those planets, there is a civilization that is a million years ahead of us.

Niles: Okay.

Frasier: Now, let's say that each of those civilizations has a million people. And each of those people has a million ideas.

Niles: Yes.

Frasier: And each of those ideas has the potential to change the world.

Niles: Okay, I'm following you.

Frasier: So, if each civilization has a million people, and each person has a million ideas, then there are a trillion ideas out there in the universe.

Niles: Yes.

Frasier: And if each of those ideas has the potential to change the world, then it's possible that our world has been changed by an idea from another planet.

Niles: That's possible, I suppose.

Frasier: And if our world has been changed by an idea from another planet, then it's possible that we're not the only ones who have.

Niles: So, you're saying that the Fermi Paradox is solved by the fact that we might not be able to see the evidence of other intelligent life in the universe because they might be too far ahead of us?

Frasier: Exactly. It's possible that they're so far ahead of us that we can't even imagine their existence.

Niles: That is a very interesting theory, Frasier.

Frasier: Thank you, Niles. I'm glad we were able to solve the Fermi Paradox.

Niles: Me too. Now if only we could solve the mystery of where my glasses are.

Frasier: Have you checked your desk?

Niles: Yes, I've looked everywhere!

Frasier: Well, maybe they're not on your desk. Maybe they're on your head.

Niles: On my head?

Frasier: Yes, sometimes people forget that they're wearing their glasses.

Niles: Oh, that's exactly where they are! I can't believe I didn't think of that.

Frasier: Well, that's what I'm here for, Niles. To help you solve all of life's little mysteries.

quote:

The following Fleet Doctrine is to be reviewed and adapted as needed by the Commanding Officer of each Task Group.

Preamble: We engage large enemy Strike Groups when our forces are at a numerical disadvantage because we know that if we do not, within hours of the engagement commencing they will envelop and overwhelm any remaining friendly assets. Even though we are outnumbered, outgunned and often forced to deploy well outside oxygenated space we still remain committed to winning through superior training, tactics and technology. Our motto is “If you can’t outgun them then you must outsmart them!” – Captain Babcock-Lumley

I) Support Assets: The first step in deploying your Task Group against a large enemy Strike Group is ensuring that all available support assets are utilised as efficiently as possible. This includes but is not limited to repair platforms, refuelling stations (outside of combat), protection platforms (where necessary) or even intelligence gathering platforms like LAMSATs (if authorised). It should be noted that these support assets need not always come from the same faction; multiple factions can pool resources together so long as they share a common goal. All efforts should be made however to consolidate these resources into one area ahead of time where possible to allow for a more efficient utilisation.

II) Reconnaissance: The second step is to ensure that all available reconnaissance assets are deployed and actively scanning the area of engagement for enemy vessels. All efforts should be made to identify as many enemy targets as possible in advance to allow your Task Group Commanders time to formulate a battle plan. Where possible, intelligence gathered by these assets should also be relayed back to any friendly reinforcements who may still be en-route so they can better prepare for the upcoming engagement. It is worth noting that even though our recon assets are superior it is still entirely possible for the enemy to have deployed their own without our knowledge; caution must always be exercised in advance of an engagement.

III) Deployment: Once all support and recon assets are in place, your Task Group should begin deploying into position using whatever formation you deem most appropriate given the specific circumstances at hand (a recommended default is shown below). It is important however that each vessel understands its role within the overall fleet doctrine so that everyone knows what actions they need to take when engaging with the enemy. This includes understanding which vessels are tasked with providing long range fire support, which ones will be responsible for flanking manoeuvres and which ones will need to fall back and provide cover for the rest of the Task Group (if required).

IV) Engagement: When engaging with the enemy it is important to remember that our main goal is to utilise our advanced weaponry and tactics to offset any numerical advantages they may have. This means using hit and run tactics where possible, focusing fire on specific enemy vessels rather than trying to take on their entire fleet at once and making full use of all available support assets. In addition, each vessel within your Task Group should also be aware of its own limitations so that they can avoid becoming isolated or overwhelmed by superior enemy numbers.

Recommended Default Formation:

The following is a recommended default formation for your Task Group when engaging with a large enemy Strike Group. It should be noted however that this may need to be adapted depending on the specific circumstances at hand (e.g. if you are facing overwhelming numbers then it may be necessary to fall back and reform elsewhere).

1) Advance Guard: The advance guard should be comprised of the fastest and most manoeuvrable vessels within your Task Group. Their primary role is to engage with the enemy fleet as early as possible in order to slow their advance and allow the rest of your Task Group time to deploy into position. In addition, they should also attempt to identify any enemy capital ships so that they can be targeted by our long range fire support assets.

2) Long Range Fire Support: Long range fire support should be provided by our heaviest hitting vessels, typically dreadnought class or larger. These vessels should remain at the rear of our formation where they can make use of their superior firepower without being overwhelmed by enemy numbers. It is also worth noting that these assets may need to be protected by smaller vessels so that they are not isolated and cut off from the rest of our forces (this will depend on the specific circumstances at hand).

3) Flank Guards: Flank guards should be comprised of fast and manoeuvrable vessels which are capable of quickly redeploying to wherever they are needed most. Their primary role is to provide cover for our long range fire support assets while also engaging with any enemy forces which attempt to flank our main formation. In addition, these vessels should also be equipped with point defence systems to help protect them from enemy missiles and torpedoes.

4) Reserve Force: The reserve force should be comprised of vessels which are capable of quickly redeploying to wherever they are needed most. Their primary role is to provide cover for our advance guard and long range fire support assets while also engaging with any enemy forces which attempt to flank our main formation. In addition, these vessels should also be equipped with point defence systems to help protect them from enemy missiles and torpedoes.

quote:

Write a script for an episode of 'Frasier' in which Niles inexplicably has a handlebar mustache.

Niles: Oh brother. I've been meaning to shave this thing off for days.

Frasier: Niles, what is that?!

Niles: It's a mustache, Frasier. What does it look like?

Frasier: It looks like a handlebar mustache!

Niles: So?

Frasier: So? What do you mean, "so?"

Niles: Well, I've always wanted to try one. I thought it might add a bit of panache to my look.

Frasier: Niles, you can't just go around growing handlebar mustaches!

Niles: Why not?

Frasier: Because they're ridiculous!

Niles: I happen to think they're quite dashing.

Frasier: Dashing? You look like a villain in a silent movie!

Niles: I'll have you know, this mustache is quite the conversation starter.

Frasier: I'll bet.

Niles: Yes, just last night I was out to dinner with Maris and a few of her friends, and they were all quite taken with it.

Frasier: I'm sure they were.

Niles: In fact, one of them even suggested that I enter a mustache-growing contest.

Frasier: A mustache-growing contest?

Niles: Yes. Apparently there's a very prestigious one happening in a few weeks. The winner gets a cash prize and a trophy.

Frasier: Niles, you can't be serious!

Niles: I am quite serious, Frasier. I'm going to enter the contest and I'm going to win.

Frasier: This is madness!

Niles: On the contrary, Frasier. This is mustache-growing.

quote:

Write a script for an episode of 'The Office' where Dwight has finally had enough of Jim's bullshit.

The camera pans to Dwight sitting at his desk, fuming. Jim is sitting at his own desk, nonchalantly working away. Dwight has had enough. He pulls a gun out of his drawer and points it at Jim.

Dwight: That's it, Jim. I've had enough of your bullshit.

Jim: What the hell, Dwight? Put the gun down.

Dwight: No, I'm done with you. I'm done with all of you.

The camera pans to the rest of the office, who are all frozen in fear.

Dwight: You all think you're so funny, don't you? Making fun of me, behind my back. Well, I'm not going to take it anymore.

Jim: Dwight, please, put the gun down.

Dwight: No, I'm done. I'm done with all of you.

He fires the gun into the air, and everyone screams. The camera pans to Jim, who is still frozen in fear.

Dwight: This is what you all deserve.

He starts to walk around the office, firing the gun randomly. People are screaming and diving for cover.

Pam: Dwight, what are you doing?

Dwight: I'm making things right.

Pam: Please, just put the gun down.

Dwight: No, I'm done with all of you.

He walks over to Jim's desk and points the gun at him.

Dwight: This is for all the times you've made fun of me.

Jim: Dwight, no!

Dwight pulls the trigger, and Jim falls to the ground, dead. The camera pans to the rest of the office, who are all in shock.

Dwight: Now maybe you'll all learn to respect me.

Phrosphor posted:

Prompt: Fleet Doctrine for engaging large enemy Strike Groups comprised of cruiser class vessels and larger when our forces are at a numerical disadvantage.

Output:

What I am most surprised by here is the use of a preamble. A quote from a fictitious captain, the naming of equipment and the layout use. What.

quote:

Write a warhammer 40000 story where donald trump is the god-emperor

In a galaxy far, far away, there was a planet called Earth. It was a peaceful planet, with no wars or conflict. But then, a man named Donald Trump became the leader of a powerful empire. He declared himself the God-Emperor, and began to wage war against all other empires. Trump was a ruthless leader, and under his rule, the empire flourished. With each victory, Trump became more and more power-hungry.

The other empires soon realized that they could not defeat Trump militarily. They formed a secret alliance, and began to plot Trump's downfall. They succeeded in overthrowing him, but Trump was not dead. He had been reborn as a powerful Chaos God. Now, Trump is leading his army of Chaos Marines to conquer the galaxy. The other empires are trembling in fear, for they know that they cannot stop the God-Emperor Trump.

Vampire Panties posted:

Write a warhammer 40000 story where donald trump is the god-emperor

quote:

script for an episode of Frasier set in Sengoku-era Japan

Frasier is in Tokyo on a business trip and finds himself transported back in time to Sengoku-era Japan. He is immediately set upon by a group of samurai who demand to know what business he has in their country.

Frasier: Well, um, I work in international relations and I'm here on business.

Samurai: What business do you have in our country?

Frasier: Uh, I'm here to help negotiate a trade agreement between our two countries.

Samurai: We have no need for trade with your country.

Frasier: Well, actually, I think you might be surprised at what we have to offer.

The samurai are not interested in trade and prepare to attack Frasier. Frasier tries to reason with them, but it is no use. He is about to be killed when he is saved by a group of ninjas who whisk him away to safety.

Frasier: What just happened?

Ninja: You were about to be killed by those samurai.

Frasier: But why?

Ninja: Because you're a foreigner and they don't trust you.

Frasier: Is there anything I can do to win their trust?

Ninja: I'm afraid not. They're a very xenophobic people and they're not interested in trade with your country.

Frasier: Well, maybe there's something I can do to change their minds.

The ninjas take Frasier to meet the leader of their clan, who is also opposed to trade with Frasier's country. However, Frasier is able to convince him that it would be beneficial for both countries and the leader agrees to meet with Frasier's counterparts to discuss a trade agreement.

Frasier: Looks like I'm going to be busy negotiating a trade agreement after all.

Ninja: Congratulations. You've just made history.

quote:

script for an episode of Deep Space Nine in which they discover that Beavis and Butthead are real people

The crew of Deep Space Nine is exploring a strange new planet when they come across a pair of primitive life forms. To their amazement, they realize that these life forms are actually Beavis and Butthead!

As they try to figure out how these two idiots could have ended up on this planet, they are constantly interrupted by their antics. Finally, they manage to capture them and bring them back to the station.

There, they put them in a holding cell and try to figure out what to do with them. However, they soon realize that there is no way to communicate with them or understand their actions.

Eventually, they decide to put them on trial. Beavis and Butthead are put in the court room, where they proceed to make a mockery of the proceedings. The crew is left with no choice but to sentence them to life in prison.

As they are being led away, Beavis and Butthead give the crew one last parting shot by mooning them. The crew is left dumbfounded as they realize that they will never understand these two idiots.

quote:

In this episode of Sesame Street, Elon Musk comes to visit the gang. He shows off his new Tesla car and talks about how he is going to send people to Mars. But when Big Bird asks him how he is going to get there, Musk says he is going to use a "rocket ship."

Big Bird is excited at first, but then he realizes that Musk is going to use a rocket ship to blow up Mars. He starts to cry and runs away. The rest of the gang is also upset and they all start to cry.

Musk is confused and doesn't understand why they are all so upset. He tries to explain that he is just trying to help people, but they don't want to listen. They all start to boo him and chase him away.

quote:

transcript of a presidential debate about somethingawful.com

MODERATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, we are here tonight to discuss the website somethingawful.com. Our two candidates are the incumbent, President George W. Bush, and his challenger, Senator John Kerry.

BUSH: Thank you, moderator, and let me first say how honored I am to be here debating Senator Kerry on this important issue.

Somethingawful.com is a website that, quite frankly, has been a menace to society. It is full of profanity and obscene content, and it encourages its users to engage in criminal activity.

Just last year, somethingawful.com was linked to several cases of identity theft. In one case, a woman had her entire life savings stolen by someone who used her information from somethingawful.com.

Kerry: Mr. President, I have to respectfully disagree with you on this issue. Somethingawful.com is not a menace to society, it is a website that provides entertainment for millions of people around the world.

Sure, there is some bad content on the site, but there is also a lot of good content. And the vast majority of users are good, law-abiding citizens who would never dream of committing a crime.

The problem with somethingawful.com is not the website itself, but the way that some people use it. We need to find a way to stop the criminal elements from using the site for their own purposes.

BUSH: But Senator Kerry, you can't deny that somethingawful.com has been linked to criminal activity. And you can't deny that the content on the site is often offensive and obscene.

Kerry: Mr., President, I am not denying that there are some problems with somethingawful.com. But I believe that we can find a way to solve those problems without shutting down the website entirely.

quote:

script for a episode of Frasier written by Seinfeld writers who have never seen Frasier

INT. FRASIER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Frasier is sitting on his couch, drinking a glass of wine and reading a book. There is a knock at the door.

FRASIER: Come in!

KRAMER enters.

KRAMER: Hey, Frasier. What's up?

FRASIER: Not much, Kramer. What can I do for you?

KRAMER: Well, I was in the neighborhood and I thought I'd drop by and say hi.

FRASIER: Well, it's always good to see you. But I'm a bit surprised that you just showed up here without calling first.

KRAMER: Oh, yeah. I was in the neighborhood and I thought I'd drop by and say hi.