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Bright Bart posted:I still feel like my disease would be a super power if medicated the way it might be in a decade's time. Not that I was ever a genius who used the ups to compose symphonies or make breakthrough discoveries. I just wrote some papers. But it's more productive than my lazy self usually is going to be. Plus being so happy drugs can't hold a candle to daily experience made me at times feel sorry for people who are just "normal". How can they go around not knowing what it feels like to be on top of the world? So ecstatic that you want to scream? Being the dude from American Beauty crying at garbage bags floating in the wind? It was a shock when my psychiatrist in the UK told me that most people can only hope to be Content. i feel that. the solution to this that i've found is talking to the people around me about how i treated them in those times. people would admit, yeah you were more charming, more eloquent, more productive - but also more manipulative, more arrogant and more hurtful. sure i could write thousands of words, but most of them weren't that good. sure i romanced women i'd longed for but i left them in the dust. it would be nice to have a drug that kept me in the hypo-manic state permanently, but i honestly believe my body and brain would burn out from the overclocking at like 50.
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Jul 18, 2022 01:19
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Yup. Thanks Paps. I think *most* of my friends are okay with hypo-manic me. But I've definitely made some questionable decisions. Including financial. For a little while the drug you speak of was for me lamotrigine. It was just high and mids with no lows. Guess who has a rare haematological reaction to it, however? The new round of therapies I'm hoping for are NMDA receptor based. You can even get ketamine infusions in Toronto if you're BPII in a depressive phrase. That can be a lifesaver. But they cost thousands of dollars out of pocket. |
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Jul 18, 2022 01:52
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Bright Bart posted:lamotrigine. looking into this. i'm currently on a 7.5 mg daily dose of olanzapine. why are so many mania suppression meds just off label use seizure meds. is mania just a brain seizure that last a long time? i may give this drug a shot, even though my current regimen works at keeping me functional. interesting.
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Jul 18, 2022 01:55
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i just started lithium after being on nothing for months. prior to that i had severe, protracted akathisia that took months resolve. mfin latuda. i still have risperdal around though for active psychosis, but i'm hoping just lithium will be good enough. god i never want to experience akathisia again. the inner terror and unreality was the most horrifying thing i've ever experienced. and i've spent weeks near death in the hospital due to the consequences of my mental unwellness. that wasn't nearly as bad |
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Jul 18, 2022 02:02
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Heather Papps posted:looking into this. i'm currently on a 7.5 mg daily dose of olanzapine. why are so many mania suppression meds just off label use seizure meds. The standard for olanzapine would be to add fluoxetine as an antidepressant. But please don't take anything I say as medical advice. I *was* a doctor until I messed my life up in a series of bad decisions. Right now I'm just a guy who had an excellent time on lamotrigine: It was the first drug i took where hypomania wasn't followed by depression. And that's what it has good evidence going for it: preventing depression in BP. Honestly if something made me half as functional I would be unstoppable. Bright Bart fucked around with this message at 02:16 on Jul 18, 2022 |
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Jul 18, 2022 02:08
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yeah the only annoying side effect of my olanzapine is that it makes my restless legs way more restless
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Jul 18, 2022 02:11
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Bright Bart posted:The standard for olanzapine would be to add paroxetine as an antidepressant. But please don't take anything I say as medical advice. I *was* a doctor until I messed my life up in a series of bad decisions. Right now I'm just a guy who had an excellent time on lamotrigine: It was the first drug i took where hypomania wasn't followed by depression. And that's what it has good evidence going for it: preventing depression in BP. Honestly if something made me half as functional I would be unstoppable. the thing about depression is i only gently caress up my own life, versus mania, where i gently caress up EVERYONES life. i've never really bothered any chemical treatment for depression but i really should. an interesting point about mental health i have heard is that you are basically in recovery, constantly, even without another addiction. with this in mind always trying to better treat ones condition makes sense. being medicated enough to be functional shouldn't really be my goal, i should be seeking to thrive, not just survive.
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Jul 18, 2022 02:14
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Papps I've always liked you since I saw your awatar and I want you to thrive. Sorry safety with the eagles. |
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Jul 18, 2022 02:23
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Heather Papps posted:the thing about depression is i only gently caress up my own life, versus mania, where i gently caress up EVERYONES life. i've never really bothered any chemical treatment for depression but i really should. I don't want to be in recovery constantly that sounds miserable. But as the years go by I'm obviously never gonna be better.
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Jul 18, 2022 05:03
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nazca posted:I don't want to be in recovery constantly that sounds miserable. But as the years go by I'm obviously never gonna be better. what if instead of framing it as recovery, framing it as improving and bettering yourself over time judged from where you are now? |
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Jul 18, 2022 05:13
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Okay I'll do that. I hope to improve and better myself until I'm a 100% functioning human again. I think that i'll always be sick in the head so to speak. I struggle with that.
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Jul 18, 2022 05:18
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nazca posted:Okay I'll do that. I hope to improve and better myself until I'm a 100% functioning human again. that's a tough one no doubt - fwiw i can sympathize, the form of severe insomnia I have isn't treatable and they're not really doing much meaningful research on it so not going to be something curable in my life time. but accepting that it's possible to say 'okay well forget what 'normal' is supposed to look like, what would a good life look like to me?' wish all posters itt this thread all the best - life and mental health aren't easy at the best of times so please look after yourselves because you all deserve to find some happiness |
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Jul 18, 2022 05:59
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i think of it more as management than anything else. it's something i just need to make sure i'm managing
Allie fucked around with this message at 06:23 on Jul 18, 2022 |
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Jul 18, 2022 06:19
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Stoner Sloth posted:that's a tough one no doubt - fwiw i can sympathize, the form of severe insomnia I have isn't treatable and they're not really doing much meaningful research on it so not going to be something curable in my life time. That's tough. I'm sorry you have to endure that.  I just feel like every one around me belittles the crippling depression and PTSD. If I had a broken leg, no one would dare say "Just walk! Whats wrong with you?", "You aren't trying hard enough.", "Your broken leg doesn't even apply.", "You could walk if you really wanted to.", "You just blame everything on your leg." No one ever seems to see any effort. For me the effort is absolutely exhausting.
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Jul 18, 2022 06:21
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I guess I just needed to get that out.
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Jul 18, 2022 06:26
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Allie posted:i think of it more as management than anything else. it's something i just need to make sure i'm managing I think its this, yeah, even though stuff like this are diseases, I don't think it's too useful to think of it as curing it like a disease, as in, you had it and now it's gone. Your mind is a complicated thing and everything that happens, good or bad, leaves some sort of traces and history and that history needs to be managed, usually it's easy when stuff is simple and good, but sometimes it really is not. It is terrible and unfair that it is a constant battle in some way, but in time, winning that battle keeps getting easier. It's like a constant training and you will get better at it over time and most people that I know that have to endure this fight tend to be lovely and great in general, as you keep on improving.
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Jul 18, 2022 09:03
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Allie posted:i think of it more as management than anything else. it's something i just need to make sure i'm managing good way to put it friend nazca posted:That's tough. I'm sorry you have to endure that. i see you friend, and i sooooooo get that - have dealt with depression (mostly due to extreme sleep deprivation) and just being so frigging exhausted the whole drat time pretty much my whole llife it's tough and sometimes you feel unappreciated but YOU know what you've gone through so you've every right to feel proud of struggling through and making that effort even if other people can't see it due to being ignorant of what you've been through hang in there and keep making that effort as you can, you're doing a great job |
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Jul 18, 2022 09:43
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News isn't good. I am not holding it together well. Even though everyone is on my team and I feel that coming through. I'm my own worst enemy and maybe only slightly less annoying for being concious of this fact. Maybe even more culpable. |
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Jul 18, 2022 15:34
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i would like to sympathize with the "if properly medicated, its a pro" current of discourse as thats how i feel. i usually get way more creative if im in the zone and i really dont want to lose that forever, as creativity is all i really care about im not sure about always being in recovery, may be true from some technical perspective but i dont see it that way. however my life is as hosed as the next goon's but chasing mania/psychedelia in my life has always been really addicting and i basically only have my own belief that art therapy and stuff makes all that stuff healthy as no ones really supported my approach in that direction still kind of miserable on all this medication (don't really need advice here, my docs will come around if they ever do) |
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Jul 18, 2022 15:41
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Bright Bart posted:News isn't good. I am not holding it together well. Even though everyone is on my team and I feel that coming through. I'm my own worst enemy and maybe only slightly less annoying for being concious of this fact. Maybe even more culpable. dude. im sorry. hold on as they say and i have all these neurotic spirals too. idk what do you say lol, theyre not real for you but they are for me. everyone thinks that tho. but idk just lookin on from my pov youre a good poster and poo poo and that paragraph is like a tape replay of my head |
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Jul 18, 2022 15:43
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I convinced an old internet friend to come hang out w/ me while they're in town despite their social anxiety and this was a nice change of pace and helped me loosen up a little because usually it's my social anxiety preventing me from going out and hanging out with people but now that plans are kind of in the works for this week my brain is like, hang on i think we need to step back a minute and be way more stressed about this |
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Jul 18, 2022 15:59
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I am such a drat mess. Don't have time to go into now since I am break from work, but I have been in and out of treatment since 2015 and only recently have gotten on a somewhat stable mix of meds that somewhat work. But it seems like once we find a med that works for one symptom, another thing pops up. Currently on the following daily, Latuda, Prozac, Gabapentin, Lamictal, Lyrica lotta L's |
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Jul 18, 2022 18:02
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baka fwocka fwame posted:i would like to sympathize with the "if properly medicated, its a pro" current of discourse as thats how i feel. i usually get way more creative if im in the zone and i really dont want to lose that forever, as creativity is all i really care about Kanye made Donda while from what we know properly medicated. Questionable features aside. I hope your creativity shines regardless of what you take in the morning. Bright Bart fucked around with this message at 19:27 on Jul 18, 2022 |
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Jul 18, 2022 19:25
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Zil posted:Currently on the following daily, Latuda, Prozac, Gabapentin, Lamictal, Lyrica A fellow BPII? Bright Bart fucked around with this message at 19:28 on Jul 18, 2022 |
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Jul 18, 2022 19:26
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Bright Bart posted:A fellow BPII? Yep, that was a recent diagnosis and it has helped guide me on what to do in therapy. |
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Jul 18, 2022 19:34
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Stoner Sloth posted:good way to put it friend Thank you for that validation. I'm so envious of people who just wake up with their head up every day.
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Jul 18, 2022 22:29
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nazca posted:Thank you for that validation. I'm so envious of people who just wake up with their head up every day. Same. I tell lady zil that all the time. I don't know how she wakes up looking forward to the day. |
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Jul 18, 2022 23:31
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Zil posted:Same. I tell lady zil that all the time. I don't know how she wakes up looking forward to the day. I used to have a friend that worked underneath me on my rig crew. He was freakin' happy. He was arguably dumb as a box of rocks but would do anything asked of him. He would have fished a wrench out of a port-a-potty if I asked him to. He was happy. He was an addict, he was poor, he had relationship problems, he had child support problems. The only thing he really had was problems. And he was happy. I asked him how he did that one time. He said "I don't know I'm just happy!"
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Jul 18, 2022 23:47
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I just finished my orientation session for twice a week DBT therapy. Seems pretty cool I'm actually pretty excited for it.
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Jul 22, 2022 01:46
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i am pretty hashtag blessed to have the kind of adhd-depression that has been very responsive to moving hundreds of miles from home, touching grass a little, laying off the weed, and enough subcutaneous estradiol valerate to feminize an elephant i would probably still not be able to hold down a job if it were not for a series of extremely understanding bosses. so i guess 'responsive' is relative
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Jul 22, 2022 07:50
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Ohtori Akio posted:enough subcutaneous estradiol valerate to feminize an elephant lol im glad you two are doing ok :) still mad over stuff but so much is my fault & c'est la vie |
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Jul 28, 2022 15:12
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Apologies for just skipping to the end and posting a huge loving post. I. Need a space to vent but I'm not able to really process reading things right now  I feel like the last few months have seen a huge slide in my ability to cope in any way with even the most mundane poo poo. I'm not able to focus properly at work which is putting my performance into the pits, and that along with brain fog and mental confusing is instigating a situation where theres talk about like - "what do you need so you can stay on with us", which I guess is better than firing me outright, but the problem is - I have no idea. I'm struggling with like. A lot of anxiety and the resurgence of severe half a decade long touch starvation feelings that I was previously coping with very well. It doesn't help that I've been separated from my main social space due to a fuckup that I did and that it's eating at me - the fact that none of the people I cared about or who I thought cared about me have chased me up since I left is just the worm in the apple hole. I feel just. So, so very lonely constantly, but my agoraphobia prevents me from going to events to change this, and the people I've asked to meet up have all repeatedly been varying levels of busy so I feel bad about asking more. I'm getting like, intrusive thoughts a lot of the time focused around suicidal ideation that are only around because I don't have the energy to do any of my coping mechanisms anymore. When I lie down I get like the intrusive feeling of like a gun muzzle next to my head. I'm just so, so goddamn tired. I'm tired of feeling like I need to throw up all the time, because I can't cry since I went off E. I'm tired of not being able to see people in real life and do things with them and hug them. I'm tired of not being able to show any physical affection to the people I like because they're on another loving continent. I'm tired of my life schedule being - wake up, work, slump for several hours and find something to do, sleep. I hate how, as a grey-asexual, I'm behaving hypersexually with my partners online as a lovely coping mechanism for the lack of physical contact. I hate how there are no loving flats in the local area that I can get, but then I'm also scared about that entire thing because I've never rented before, and I'm scared about how, seemingly all my friends in this loving city have deserted me, and it feels like I'm going to be even more alone and lonely in a flat. I'm just getting more and more worn out and I really, really do not know how to fix any of this 
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Jul 28, 2022 17:52
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friend without knowing too much about you it sounds as if getting back on E, by any means necessary, would be an excellent first step
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Jul 28, 2022 17:55
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Ohtori Akio posted:friend without knowing too much about you it sounds as if getting back on E, by any means necessary, would be an excellent first step Last time I did it for a month, and it was great except I started getting like high blood pressure symptoms :/ I'm thinking about grabbing the rest of my stash (about ten days - hopefully it survived the heat!) and doing it again for a bit just to get out of this fugue state im in. I can see my own perspective being warped in these moments of lucidity but it's all just really difficult to dig through Wondering as well about prodding my GP for a bridging prescription with the threat of - I will self medicate despite the problematic symptoms. At least some of my problem is that I've known I was trans since I was... I mean I would have said 16 but I found some proof the other day I'd known since I was 13. I'm now almost 25 and I've seen probably about 50 other trans girls through the process of gender transition and in a couple of cases supporting them post-op (SRS). But there's been nobody around to support me with what I need to go through all of this myself Which seems to just be a running theme throughout my life - e.g. me staying up every night for a month making sure my partners at the time didn't off themselves, but when I feel lovely and down and depressed, suddenly there's nobody around to help. The typical solution would be - "get better friends", but I've been lucky to meet some of the most caring, kind, and compassionate people around, they're just dealing with their own poo poo so hard that none of them can support me. And I can usually dissociate away anything that's a problem, so I'm ""fine"". But what this means in practice is that I do not have any tangible support network Too much is always not enough! |
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Jul 28, 2022 18:49
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alexandriao posted:Last time I did it for a month, and it was great except I started getting like high blood pressure symptoms :/ i don't think just going off e is a sustainable solution period, you are describing symptoms that put someone at serious risk of self-harm. you should have that talk with doc
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Jul 28, 2022 18:52
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Ohtori Akio posted:i don't think just going off e is a sustainable solution period, you are describing symptoms that put someone at serious risk of self-harm. you should have that talk with doc I'm not at serious risk of if self harm because me harming myself harms the people who care about me. I have a biggo mental trauma about hurting others lol And like, ok, but to go on E that isn't the grey market, I have to wait on the waiting list. Cardiff gender services are phenomenal - they do non-binary transition options and the entire thing is run by a gnc lesbian. It's an open secret that they are the best in the UK. At the same time, they are a victim of their own success - to limit harm they transferred patients who were in Cardiff and assigned to gender clinics in England to themselves, and they've since had a huge rush of trans patients and they're overwhelmed. The waiting list was originally 2 weeks but it is now 2+ years long. Also for various reasons I'm on the rear end-end of that list. I know some folks who got on it 2 weeks after they knew they were trans and they're like 6, 12 months ahead of me lol The doc doing bridging prescriptions requires a willing doctor - its entirely at the discretion of the GP and most of them these days say "no" because they are terrified of the risk of press or malpractice suits |
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Jul 28, 2022 19:04
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oh christ you're in the uk? i'd be DIY in that situation without a doubt e: I mean I am diy, as an american, so that's the bias to read my posts understanding
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Jul 28, 2022 19:15
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i'm probably gonna ask my doc about switching to haldol, just cuz ive heard it feels better than this. anyone have any stories of horror or otherwise? |
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Aug 3, 2022 04:29
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baka fwocka fwame posted:i'm probably gonna ask my doc about switching to haldol, just cuz ive heard it feels better than this. anyone have any stories of horror or otherwise? asked my friends with brain medications and none have been on it, but none have heard any horror stories, nor have i.
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Aug 3, 2022 18:35
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Glad this thread is still here. I'm still doing poorly. I would like a drastic change in my medications but I'm afraid I've run through the lot of standardized treatment for bipolar depression. There are a few adjuncts like lurasidone left but that is quite expensive. I'm both feeling bad and scared, goons. e: Screw my blood for not handling lamotrigine well. Naah I love you blood. But still it is a gently caress that I can't take what worked. |
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Aug 6, 2022 22:34
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