|
|
This last August, a Laramie, Wyoming landmark closed its doors forever, and honestly, the world is probably a safer place for it.  I'm talking, of course, about Bart's Flea Market, a dilapidated old grocery store building smeared through the shadow of a highway overpass, with possibly the grimiest collection of junk ever assembled by man inside.  Imagine the most poorly kept Habitat for Humanity or Goodwill store you've ever seen, expand it to the size of a football field and triple the prices, and that's close to Bart's. Stocked to the gills with suspicious old trash too chintzy for words, Bart's felt kind of like a time machine where a murder had taken place. Groanworthy tin signs, crude pewter belt buckles, sun-faded decorations from a retro 50's diner the health department shut down, books that looked like they'd been used to prop up a car with a bad oil leak; if it was sketchy and tasteless Bart's carried it. Row after row of mismatched shelves and cases hand-labeled with printer paper signs, under a galaxy of stains on the ceiling cork tiles that leaked like Niagra Falls whether it was raining or not somehow, the whole store was stuffed with crap even the corniest great-gramma would roll her eyes at.  It was the kind of flea market where you really ought to worry about actual fleas, not to mention whatever other horrors were waiting inside the rows upon rows of antique, amateur taxidermy. It just felt gross to be inside.  So of course when they went out of business and had a giant sale I had to go raid the place. I bought an embarrassing number of bizarre DVDs from the 7 or 8 different shelves of them randomly hidden around the store, but more on that in another thread. Today I want to concentrate on one of the weird old books I bought at the big Bart's finale: The Flintstones The Bedrock Connection  This 1974 "Authorized Edition" of a Flintstones mystery novella for children is possibly the most confusing thing I've ever read. It's not that the prose is difficult or the story is complex- definitely not either, actually. It's that author Horace J Elias really seems to have never actually seen an episode of The Flintstones or be even aware of its basic details, even tangentially. The Bedrock Connection reads like a Hardy Boys novel acted out with Flintstones chewable vitamins by a particularly mean older brother. The characters don't act or sound like themselves, the tone is darkly hateful and the setting is anachronistic even for the loving Flintstones. It's crazy to me that Elias apparently wrote a bunch of these books for Hanna Barbara including "The Flintstones The Computer That Went Bananas", but that's a mindfuck for another day. Today, we read about Fred and Barney (or, really some assholes who kinda look like Fred and Barney) getting mixed up with astonishingly cruel cave-man smugglers who may or may not be time travelers. You've been warned!  Here we see Fred giving away a plot twist before the book even begins. Great.  Right off the bat something is wrong: Fred and Barney don't work in a mine, they work in a quarry. I feel like the author understands this on some level because it's a "rock mine" but that opens all kinds of other questions: why aren't the rocks in the ceiling good enough to dig? Why would you risk digging tunnels just for rocks when you can have an open pit? Maybe Mr Slate had a stroke and sent his employees to die in a fissure of the quarry he now calls a mine, gently caress if I know. I just know something is already terribly, terribly wrong.  Rick Nicksun, Fred and Barney's new evil-visaged coworker, has a parody name but not a rock-themed parody name, so again, get the gently caress out of The Flintstones you weird monstrosity. Nicksun, who in a book from 1974 is clearly a good guy, immediately gets on our heroes' good sides by badmouthing the general concept of office work. Fred and Barney hate office work so much they assaulted their boss for trying to promote them. Take that, drudgery! We'll stay in the unnecessarily dangerous mine thank you very much. Fred is still gonna wear a tie to work though, I guess?   Things become heated immediately as Nicksun insults Fred and Barney's masculinity. I never thought about there being chauvenistic fist-fights in the quarry at lunch time but, I guess they are cave men. At this point I can imagine the poor 1974 child reading this and having their fun understanding of Fred Flintstone degrade into scary machismo and workyard brawls.  Why is Fred angry in all the art for this book? Maybe it's because his friendship with Barney is clearly on its last legs. In the 50's and 60's (BC, or, whatever) they were best pals but by the era of cave-disco they had nothing but insults for each other. Sad, really, but honestly Barney shouldn't have put up with this poo poo as long as he did. I imagine by now he goes home to a tumbler of scotch in a dark room every night, fuming and shaking his fist at nothing like the end of The Pledge.   Christ, Fred, what the gently caress happened to you? I can't recall a single episode of the TV show where he called Barney on the phone to tell him he was stupid and browbeat him into what is clearly a criminal proposition- why else would he not want to talk specifics over the phone? Fred has known Rick Nicksun for all of a day and he's already got him hiding contraband under his infant daughter's crib like he's Walter White. Barney's look of sincere disappointment is a profoundly unhappy drawing that you'd expect to talk about with a school counselor, not see in an official cartoon tie-in.  Like all good doomed literary characters Barney Rubble knows this is all a bad idea but can't stop listening. Even long after their friendship devolved into cruelty and violence he can't help it, Fred was once his friend. Wasn't he? If you ever wondered what The Flintstones would be like as a bleak Russian crime drama, here you go. I have no idea what Mahooley is but if you have to whisper in alleys about even just holding on to it, gently caress. You boys should have taken the drat office job. BoldFrankensteinMir fucked around with this message at 03:37 on Sep 27, 2022 |
#
?
Sep 26, 2022 23:05
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 27, 2024 10:19 |
|
|
...nixon? this reminds me of when that weird holy mountain guy agreed to make a dune movie without ever having read the book, based on a dream.
|
|
#
?
Sep 26, 2022 23:30
|
|
|
whoever wrote this saw the flintstones cigarette ads and nothing else
|
|
#
?
Sep 26, 2022 23:31
|
|
|
|
holy poo poo lmao
|
|
#
?
Sep 27, 2022 02:27
|
|
|
|
|
|
#
?
Sep 27, 2022 03:55
|
|
|
excellent thread so far BFM
|
|
#
?
Sep 27, 2022 04:12
|
|
|
|
They talked long enough for the moon to shift in the sky and a whole-rear end palm tree to grow |
|
#
?
Sep 27, 2022 13:15
|
|
|
|
"Daddy Pig you stupid wanker!" snarled Mummy Pig. "We have to hide the Babaghanoush inside Mr. Dinosaur or we'll never be able to afford a real driveway!" |
|
#
?
Sep 27, 2022 13:50
|
|
|
|
   Now it's Barney's turn to get pissed off, at what turns out to be Fred's belief in bullshit patent medicine that's technically a cleaning supply. We've all been here haven't we? Standing in the street in front of your house, in the middle of the night, screaming at a once-trusted neighbor about how their faith in criminal quackery really ought to be beneath them, and it's causing you to lose your respect for them? What a depressingly prescient domestic disturbance, thanks The Flintstones The Bedrock Connection, for capturing our modern era so succinctly.    I want to forgive Horace J Elias for not knowing that dinosaurs definitely had teeth, but it's tough to justify, seeing as Iguanadon was discovered in 1825 and its name literally means iguana-tooth. Okay so maybe Flintstones dinosaurs are not real dinosaurs, coexisting with humans and acting as household appliances etc, but even then, Fred's pet Dino clearly has teeth:  So really what we're watching is a Waiting for Godot type nightmare of misinformation. Next Fred is gonna tell Barney about how pterodactyl farts contain mind-control chemicals and Barney angrily rebuts dinosaurs can't fart you stupid jackass! Also I should mention, China existed in Bedrock times? Please God don't show the drawings of the Chinese cave-men, pleeease...  ... get this man to a hospital now!!!! Fred Flintstone is clearly not much of a drug mule if he taste-tests mysterious cargos (something he is not, he points out specifically, being paid to do). Maybe if he gets hit with a bowling ball he'll think he's Freddy Flintana, AKA Saurface, master drug smuggler? I honestly wonder if Fred's buried personalities are actually more competent than his dominant identity, since Fred Prime appears to think dragons are real but cabbage isn't.   Things go from bad to worse as Rick Nicksun surprises the boys, having them drive the sketchy black market medicine from the next city over in their personal vehicles. I don't know what exactly I was expecting from this book but it was not No Country for Old Flintstones, this poo poo is dire as gently caress. I know you have unanswered questions Barney but for your own sake I recommend shutting up before somebody puts a cigar out on your forehead.
|
|
#
?
Sep 28, 2022 05:17
|
|
|
|
Mining rock by day, smuggling rock by night |
|
#
?
Sep 28, 2022 13:20
|
|
|
a truck.
|
|
#
?
Sep 28, 2022 18:55
|
|
|
|
Heather Papps posted:a truck. Don't worry it's a Chevy |
|
#
?
Sep 28, 2022 19:15
|
|
|
|
this is baffling in the best way, like the novelization of back to the future
|
|
#
?
Sep 28, 2022 22:53
|
|
|
|
genuinely surprised at how mean barney is |
|
#
?
Sep 28, 2022 23:51
|
|
|
|
more like barney and fred angrily monologue at eacah other and tell each other to shut the gently caress up: the novel also i have never seen a dragon in the flintstones ever
|
|
#
?
Sep 29, 2022 19:39
|
|
|
baka fwocka fwame posted:more like barney and fred angrily monologue at eacah other and tell each other to shut the gently caress up: the novel Glengarry Glen Rock |
|
#
?
Sep 30, 2022 06:12
|
|
|
|
|
|
#
?
Sep 30, 2022 07:19
|
|
|
|
this is all amazing
|
|
#
?
Sep 30, 2022 19:39
|
|
|
|
google THIS posted:They talked long enough for the moon to shift in the sky and a whole-rear end palm tree to grow lol BoldFrankensteinMir posted:
Hah this nailed it. All the dialogue is needlessly longwinded nonsense composed with back-and-forth unprovoked vitriol with nothing of substance being said just to fill a page. It's spectacular in all the wrong ways, lol.
|
|
#
?
Oct 1, 2022 01:50
|
|
|
|
  First trucks, and now cloth? My god those bags are a technological marvel, soon the whole world will be wearing this stuff instead of rough animal pelts, from Bedrock to China apparently! Of all the dopes to get involved with the Limestone city cartels. This part at least feels more like The Flintstones, Fred and Barney are so dumb they don't notice gangsters insulting them, Barney isn't really this dumb but he trusts Fred too much, and they mess up the job real bad, by announcing the names of their infant children they're hiding what they think are drugs on. Funny stuff. If they can just keep their heads above the tar pit of mutual loathing that is mummifying their friendship they might make it through this. I don't know if I can take many more multi-page jags of Cassavetes-esque angst starring the characters from the prize machine at my toddlerhood dentist.  Some of these illustrations are spot-on masterpieces. "I don't know what kind of a housekeeper Wilma is..." is this image's perfect title. Hang it in the Louvre.  You lie to your wives and then blame them because they're gossips, yeah that checks out, very Flintstonian. One of these days, Alice...  Yes! Fred and Barney screw up the bad guys because Barney is actually smart and Fred does ultimately listen to him when the clams are down. I'm not even gonna question how you dig all the rocks out of a mine, I'm just happy to see my old friends Fred and Barney looking happy again, now that's a drawing I'd have on a tippy-cup or a onesie pajamas. I would not dress a baby in scowling Fred and angry Barney arguing pajamas. What a monstrous experiment.  Lighten up Fred. Barney just invented cement, years before Kyle Maclachlan dies discovering it in the Flintstones movie even. Ow I'm giving myself a headcanon migraine.  drat it. Barney is now a hardened criminal, his "friend" ordering him what lie to tell his wife about where he's been. Double-blind stashing fifty bags of heavy powder he believes to be internationally shipped drugs, there is no ambiguity in Barney's mind about what they're doing here, he just broke bad. Mahooley means the good life Betty, you'll understand some day. And you'll forgive him...maybe...  Another masterpiece. Although the Falknerian "Wilma knew Fred was tired, because he came in without slamming the front door..." is a great title, I would hang this one as "It's a living!" I'm sure that our boys will "get what's coming to them" alright- the foul temper and emotional unavailability of criminals evading their families. What happened to honesty, Fred, Barney? When did something as stupid as mahooley become more important than your wives and children? I can not convey how sad it is to me, to ponder this kind of dour, dour story starring the God-damned Flintstones. I have spoken to Fred Flintstone on the phone personally, many times, and he is a national treasure, it is breaking my heart to see him do this to his loved ones. To all of us!! Turn back, Fred and Barney. It's a modern stoneage tra-ge-dy...
|
|
#
?
Oct 1, 2022 05:35
|
|
|
I'm completely captivated |
|
#
?
Oct 1, 2022 20:09
|
|
|
|
I'm so intrigued by rock mining now that I know you can run out of rock to mine Like is there fool's rock? Are there rock prospectors sifting for bits of rock in dirt or sand? |
|
#
?
Oct 1, 2022 20:50
|
|
|
google THIS posted:I'm so intrigued by rock mining now that I know you can run out of rock to mine you fool! this is just sun baked clay! i asked for GRANITE!
|
|
#
?
Oct 1, 2022 20:59
|
|
|
|
"There's rock in them thar hills," someone might say in the weird alternate Flintstone's universe of this book, and it would be really hard to tell how ironic the author intended it to be |
|
#
?
Oct 1, 2022 21:31
|
|
|
|
|
|
#
?
Oct 2, 2022 00:24
|
|
|
|
an acte rick nicksun: hey it is me with the improbable name. my clan actually flew to the sun and nicked it just a bit off the side. anyway i come to you with the wave of the future: weird poo poo that i never explain. fred & barney lets get u in on this *fred is posed in dominant MMA position choking the poo poo out of barney* thats the last time i defer to your judgement on coalbowling physics manipulations fred: dont even try the triangle escape fucker. *puts down barney* weird poo poo you dont explain huh? u think they ever explain to me why my phone is a dinosaur. lets do this barney *massaging neck* but fred even whats printing this book is a dinosaur somehow fred: mr. wed love to do some shaady illegal poo poo that puts our whole households, our stability much like the fragile stability of the bedrock we're mining, at peril. rn: good, let me explain to you how you do all the work and we won't discuss your cut at all fred: ... *thinks of pebbles* barney: ... *thinks of bam bam* both of them: do it For her
|
|
#
?
Oct 2, 2022 18:15
|
|
|
|
My brain can't leave threads like this one alone so I keep thinking of more things, like the fact that Barney is not actually Fred's coworker and in fact canonically it's never made clear whether he has a job at all |
|
#
?
Oct 2, 2022 18:34
|
|
|
|
Also the weighted mahooley bags are now officially the gun on the mantle and if no one gets clobbered with one before the end of the book I will be pissed |
|
#
?
Oct 2, 2022 18:34
|
|
|
|
 what if there's not even any mahooley and it's just bags of rocks
|
|
#
?
Oct 2, 2022 18:41
|
|
|
|
forget it fred. it's mahooleytown |
|
#
?
Oct 2, 2022 18:56
|
|
|
google THIS posted:My brain can't leave threads like this one alone so I keep thinking of more things, like the fact that Barney is not actually Fred's coworker and in fact canonically it's never made clear whether he has a job at all came for the weird pictures and the absurdity of a truck in a flintstones novelization, stayed for the fascinating bits of deep barney lore. i like that about barney, it fits. he's like boomhauer, kinda, just one who settled down.
|
|
#
?
Oct 2, 2022 19:09
|
|
|
|
If you ever watched that Harvey Birdman episode you know what kind of job Barney has. It's, um, waste management. Long hours.
|
|
#
?
Oct 2, 2022 19:31
|
|
|
|
|
|
#
?
Oct 4, 2022 11:53
|
|
|
|
“we participated in narcotics trafficking, Barney”
|
|
#
?
Oct 4, 2022 11:55
|
|
|
|
this thread is already such a journey and i can't believe it's still on its first page
|
|
#
?
Oct 4, 2022 13:47
|
|
|
|
biosterous posted:this thread is already such a journey and i can't believe it's still on its first page the suspense is killing me!!! |
|
#
?
Oct 4, 2022 18:27
|
|
|
|
 The author wisely omits enough details to allow the Bedrock Bulletin to be a stone slab, even though I suspect he intends it to be paper which doesn't exist yet, but he clears the bar. I'm having a harder time with a "famous gold coin collection" existing in The Flintstones. They can't be antique coins, it's the stone age. The idea of coins at all is amazingly futuristic, Flintstones people use shells for money, so that's the very narrow avenue my head-canon is forced into: this collection of prototype "coins" is famous because, if successful, they promise to revolutionize commerce. And metallurgy, which I'm sure Fred thinks is a fad because he works in an old fashion rock mine that tosses minerals aside as detritus. The RIGHT way to mine.   I'm no literature expert but it seems to me that if even the characters are noticing how repetitive their words and actions are, you should probably rewrite that story? And I'll tell you, Barney Rubble knows a thing or two about walking in circles, if he's sick of it then it must be bad. My "revolutionary new gold coins" theory is hanging on by a thread though. Maybe Barney is laughing at the idea of mining gold as a novelty? A gold mine who ever would have thought!? Will wonders never cease...  No, boys, no! Remember the good old days, when it was a quarry not a mine, and you liked one another! And Barney don't think too hard about these coins, you might...  ...oh no. So they're dollar coins, and explicitly old enough dollar coins to be worth significantly more than the value stamped on them. So we now know the coins are: 1-a government-backed currency already well established in circulation 2-the subject of aggressive inflation, which is 3-well documented to the people of the era (as in Barney reading about antique money exchange rates "somewhere") This raises so many questions my head is spinning. Was there some kind of caveman civil war a couple generations before Fred and Barney were born, and all the money from that era is worth a lot since the world regressed to a shell-based economy? I guess, if people don't remember how to mint coins anymore that would make the confusing relics worth a lot. But the idea of The Flintstones' primitive society being a devolution opens so many cans of worms, we'll never get through this cruddy gangster story if we don't keep pushing forward. Ow my brain.   "Sheddap, sausagehead" sneers Barney, as the last remnants of my happy colorful memories of him dissolve into mean drawings on yellowing paperback pages. Perhaps the Great Gazoo did something, that demon. Some evil force is contorting the primitive synapses of this poor hominid, making him a sharper, crueler second banana. A Barney Rubble not fit for high chairs and jelly jars; a vicious brute. At this point, Gazoo being a Yith is the easiest explanation for all the nightmarish contradictions in this story. He's mind-jacking all of Bedrock to escape the flying polyps. Oh and you can't use gold coins as money anymore, because Rick Nicksun hasn't been elected Cave-President yet to undo the laws against gold ownership put into place by Cave-FDR. I hate everything.  Barney insists calling the police is the worst of all plans. Always a good sign that things are going well.  Oh god what now? Is it the second cave civil war, is the cave-south rising again? Did the gold market collapse when everyone realized they no longer know what gold is? Did Gazoo finally make his move against the cave-whitehouse, what is happening!? Time doesn't even make sense anymore and Barney Rubble is a foul-mouthed turd and the Flintstones have a real TV not just a bird in a box with hand-puppets, why am I still reading this terrible book for children and why are my ears bleeding...
|
|
#
?
Oct 4, 2022 19:11
|
|
|
|
There is only one conclusion to be made. The Flintstones' society is what's left of humanity after The Jetsons' collapsed from its own hubris. Bedrock: Zero Dawn. |
|
#
?
Oct 4, 2022 19:48
|
|
|
|
BoldFrankensteinMir posted:No, boys, no! Remember the good old days, when it was a quarry not a mine, and you liked one another! And Barney don't think too hard about these coins, you might... it's treasure of the sierra madre, no wonder you are fascinated by it
|
|
#
?
Oct 4, 2022 20:19
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 27, 2024 10:19 |
|
|
i very much hope we get to see a drawing of these coins.
|
|
#
?
Oct 4, 2022 20:20
|
|