oh god oh gently caress posted:

Not gonna tell you what to do with your life but not having what I would consider dysphoria, feeling like I wasn't trans enough to transition and that the blowback would be insurmountable are all things I felt for the many years I spent pretransition. I'm not going to tell you what you are but nothing you've said precludes it.

Before: Weird confusion. Ennui that I couldn't place. Many nights laying in bed that would be the only time I'd let my guard down enough to entertain certain thoughts.

I both knew and didn't know for most of my late teens and 20s. I knew that trans people were a thing. But those people KNEW. I was so fuckin confused that I figured it was just a weird fetish or fixation. Other times I'd acknowledge I probably trans but not enough for me to blow up my life over. My attitude towards my male body and identity was mostly neutral. Still, I'd have this recurring fantasy of being on my deathbed, and that being the time I finally tell someone. So that someone finally knew.

Egg crack: It's an "oh poo poo" moment. Without going into detail, I had an experience of pure, deep gender dysphoria. This incredible warm feeling deep in my chest. Afterwards I knew this was deeper than a fetish and could not be dismissed. I needed to start seriously looking into it and figure myself out. It was very scary and very exciting.

In the aftermath of that I will say that I still didn't feel like a woman on the inside which hosed me up for a while. I felt like I wanted to be. Feeling like a woman didn't come for me until I started actually taking steps forward and dressing differently, presenting differently. I found my body language and mannerisms shifted in small ways as soon as I did. And with it came greater certainty that I was a lady and that I did not ever wanna stop or pull back.