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 GROUP F Vs Belgium Nov 23, 2pm EST Vs Croatia Nov 27, 11am EST Vs Morocco Dec 1st, 10am EST Bonjour/hi! Well, isn’t this interesting? Looks like Panama won’t get dunked on this time around as here’s a brand new team from North America for European goons to call trash, because on the world stage, they kinda are. But they’re also AWESOME. I'm stab, member of the Voyageurs (the Canadian team's supporter group), here to explain how these crazy fuckers will hopefully surprise the giants of world football. Here’s some insane snippets to remind you of the last time Canada qualified for a World Cup 36 years ago, because nobody outside of Argentina remembers the 1986 World Cup. • The Chernobyl disaster happened • The Space Shuttle Challenger went kablooey • Mike Tyson becomes the youngest Heavyweight Champion in history • The top 3 films were Top Gun, Crocodile Dundee and The Karate Kid Part 2 • Popular T.V. shows include Magnun P.I, Dynasty, The A-Team and Cheers • Some top songs included “That’s what Friends are For”, “Say you, Say me”, and the eternal “Burning Heart” by Survivor  Look at how 80's this is. LOOK AT IT. What happened when Canada made the World Cup for the 1st time ever in 1986? Well it wasn’t pretty. Losing 3 games (1-0 to France, 2-0 to Hungary and 2-0 to the USSR), Canada crashed out of their group, paying off the bookies that had favored odds that Canada wouldn’t score a goal. Given that Canada had no domestic league, and the NASL had folded, Canada fielded a team comprised primarily of indoor soccer players, and literal loving amateur players. Outside of a shock Gold Cup win in 2000, Canada Soccer (on the men’s side), has been a laughingstock of Oh the times, they are a’changing. After 36 long, painful, torturous, sad, pathetic years, Canada has finally returned to an absolutely improbable and unexpected World Cup. How improbable you say? In 2014, using bullshit FIFA Rankings- Canada was ranked 122nd . When our new coach was hired in 2018 (more on this gent later), Canada was in 94th When Canada made it to the final round of World Cup qualifying for the first time in over 20 years, Canada was 73rd. They enter the World Cup just off their highest ranking of 33rd, and currently sit in 41st They went nearly undefeated in qualifying (only losing twice when qualification was all but assured), finishing on top of the CONCACAF Octagonal with 28 points in 14 games In those 14 games, they only allowed 7 goals. In ZERO of the games did Canada allow more than 1 goal. They finished with the best offense AND best defense in CONCACAF. It's so improbable Canada is the ONLY team without a new kit at this World Cup, as the Canadian Soccer Association and Nike didn't even plan a development cycle for a new kit. Even their own federation didn't believe they would make it. (Also the CSA is trash) Here’s some more batshit crazy stats in their miraculous run to Qatar: They actually had to start at the very first round of WCQ, playing powerhouses like Bermuda and Aruba. They then won a home and away tie to Haiti to book a wildcard spot into the final round. Basically COVID forced CONCACAF to expand the final round from 6 to 8 teams, and with their old qualifying format, Canada wouldn't even have been eligible for the final round. Also: • First ever team in CONCACAF to win 6 straight games • Won the head to head matchups with 6 of the 7 teams in the region ,and tied the other (gently caress you Costa Rica) • Had their first results away in WCQ in over 30+ years in El Salvador, Honduras and Mexico (yes, they drew at Azteca, scoring their first goal in over 40 years there) • Beat both Mexico and the USA at home (lol giants of CONCACAF suck my rear end) • Did it without their best player for half the run pictured: the most canadian thing ever (when we whooped Mexico's rear end in ultra minus gently caress off weather) https://twitter.com/snfaizalkhamisa/status/1460812145000689669 Who is responsible?  John "British Jesus Christ" Herdman The first coach to coach both a women’s and men’s team at the World Cup, this guy is pretty much the reason why both Canadian teams are on the rise. A master motivator, he truly consistently gets the best out of any squad he takes over. He mended the fractured dressing rooms of both Canadian squads, and turned around both programs in an incredible amount of time. He is deeply psychological, looking for core reasons for his team. Tactically, Canada can be a possession team, a counter attacking team, and went through the Octo with the use of 6 different formations. Canada is a chameleon team,that use a good structure defensively to punish teams with their blistering speed. The wingers and forwards will be amongst the fastest you will see in the week and a half that they’ll be in the World Cup. Canada was the highest scoring team of 2021, and the highest risers in the bullshit aforementioned FIFA rankings, all under his watch. He could run for Prime Minister and would run away with the voting. This is a type of coach that right now teams and countries chase him- he has no hot seat to worry about, regardless of the results. With Canada co-hosting in 2026 with a very young team that will be entering its prime then, the more likely question is: Can Canada keep John Herdman until then? He is that good. Sure as gently caress better than Tata Martino or Gregg Berhalter (lol) Yet, Canada are extreme underdogs to get out of their group. Part of the challenge of their meteoric rise is that COVID forced them to play primarily within the confines of CONCACAF. Until recently, they had not played a South American team in YEARS (losing handedly to Uruguay 2-0). They haven’t played a European team in over 4 years. In other words, what works in CONCACAF, probably won’t work when you’re playing the likes of Belgium and Croatia. They’ll sure as hell try, and they will sure as hell will be entertaining. You won’t see Canada park the bus and go for 0-0 draws with 10 behind the ball. They’ll attack, they’ll be exciting, and they’ll probably get beaten. Even with their rise, Canada lacks depth, world class quality and key game breakers at the elite level. They have a few you’ve heard of sure, but compared to a Belgium? A Germany? Nah fam. When we talk about expectations, Canada has vastly different goals from the superpowers. We have ZERO chance at winning the World Cup. Can we score a goal? Can we keep a clean sheet? Can we get a point? Can we win a game? Can we get out of the group? All measured expectations, we know what we are up against. So why don’t we meet the team in the next post? In the meantime, here's some videos that are cool and explain all the crazy poo poo that's gone on! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CR8d-XullxI<---- a long video essay by Maqwell but it gives a really good view of the shitshow that is Canada Soccer and the recent turnaround https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o01zhaTOd0M <--- this is a documentary series being released every wednesday leading up to the World Cup it's p cool, 4 out of 7 episodes in https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nv86mKokk_8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_dDx5ey8Jc <---- I started crying like a bitch at this moment stab fucked around with this message at 02:27 on Nov 14, 2022 |
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KEEPERS MILAN BORJAN  Age: 35 Caps: 67 Club: FK Crvena zvezda (Red Star Belgrade) Birthplace Knin, Yugoslavia Where they grew up Hamilton, Ontario, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES: Borjan is a throwback. You know those old keepers that would play in sweatpants while smoking ciggys? That’s Borjan. Swears like a drunken sailor. ALL. THE. TIME. One of the leaders on this team. Can run super hot, and when he does, he’s almost unbeatable. Fantastic reflexes. Famous for wearing sweatpants throughout almost the entire qualifying campaign and not once losing when in them. Champions League goalie. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: Borjan runs hot and cold. When he is cold, he can make some awful blunders that lead to easy goals. Doesn’t have the best ball control playing from the back, and will make me scream “JUST loving HOOF THE BALL BORJAN” at least 5 times a game. Canada plays out of the back A LOT now, and years of pent up collective trauma conditioned me for 5-4-1 hoofball starting from the goal kick. DAYNE ST. CLAIR  Age: 25 Caps: 1 Club: Minnesota United FC Birthplace Toronto, Ontario, Canada Where they grew up Pickering, Ontario, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES: Had a great year in the MLS. Has really cool hair. Good reflexes. Seriously check out his hair. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: Completely untested in international play. Is truly Canada’s number 3 keeper…but you don’t want to google what happened to Maxime Crepeau(Canada’s number 2) during the MLS cup. Trust me. Just don’t. and especially don’t look for pictures of Crepeau after he got a red card. St.Clair also plays for a middling MLS team. JAMES PANTEMIS  Age: 25 Caps: 0 Club: Unattached FC baby!!!! (Formerly fromCF Montréal) Birthplace Montréal, Québec, Canada Where they grew up Montréal, Québec, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES: Used to play for CF Montreal (you’ll notice that name A LOT in this writeup), and CF Montreal is a Cool and Fun team. Luckiest motherfucker on the planet, as he wouldn’t have made the squad if not for (DON’T GOOGLE) Maxime Crepeau missing out. Speaks a bunch of languages. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: He shares the CF Montreal net with Sebastien Breza. If you can’t win a full time gig in the loving MLS, you really think he’s a World Cup quality keeper? He’s there to ride the bench and look like those guys outside the clubs at 3 am that have no business being there. CENTERBACKS DONEIL HENRY  Age:29 Caps: 44 Club: Unattached FC baby!! (Formerly Toronto FC) Birthplace North York, Ontario, Canada Where they grew up Brampton, Ontario, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES: Notice I bolded Brampton? You’re going to see that city a ton. It’s a suburb of Toronto with a population of about 600000, which has somehow produced close to 15 capped players on both the Men’s and Women’s programs. It’s kinda nuts how a smallish city produced so much soccer talent for this country. Oh right. Doneil Henry, I forgot. This one was tough to write because I hate this player so goddamn much. You know those enforcers in hockey that go around punching skulls and killing star players? ('sup Chucky Lozano you bitch lol get rekt)That’s what Doneil Henry does. Also supposedly a “good guy in the room.” WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: Unfortunately, getting fouls by killing star players is ALL he does well. Absolute penalty and foul machine. If he has to play significant minutes or heaven forbid start, we are hosed. Very slow, gets caught out of position all the goddamn time. You run a through ball past him? Run to the bench, have a sip of the gatorade, read today's paper, then run back, and you'll still have time to go past Henry. Couldn’t even hold down a job with Toronto FC in the MLS, and Toronto sucked all the rear end last year. Remember, Toronto is the team that signed Insigne to a deal worth Stupid $$$ to promptly finish close to last. Toronto sucks. gently caress I HATE DONEIL HENRY SO GODDAMN MUCH. ***Updated 11/13***: Henry picked up a hamstring injury in the warmups in the Bahrain game. Even though he'd be out for 2 weeks and therefore be available for selection as of the Croatia game, Henry himself asked to be pulled and replaced so that a fully fit player would give Canada a better chance. A selfless sacrifice from Henry. He still sucks as a footballer though. Herdman has decided to bring Henry to Qatar regardless and will be there in a cheerleader/mascot/coach capacity. He was replaced by: JOEL WATERMAN  Age: 26 Caps: 1 Club: CF Montréal Birthplace Surrey, British Columbia, Canada Where they grew up Aldergrove, British Columbia, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES:: Another CF Montreal guy. They could literally do like what Italy did with the Juventus defense and roll out an entire club’s backline at a national level. Waterman is one of the first players from the Canadian Premier League to make it to the Canadian squad. (For those who didn’t know, Canada did NOT have a domestic league until 2018, which is nuts) WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: Was only capped recently against Bahrain….and he was awful. If you’re awful with a country as ahem…illustrious as Bahrain, you really think you’d be good at a World Cup? Canada is in trouble if he plays significant minutes. KAMAL MILLER  Age: 25 Caps: 27 Club:CF Montréal Birthplace Scarborough, Ontario, Canada Where they grew up Scarborough, Ontario, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES: Dude is Cowboy Bob Orton. Always has one of his arms taped up like he’s about to come off the top rope and hit the good guy when the ref isn’t looking. Decent marauder, isn’t afraid to go forward. Good vision, and good ball distributor. Also runs hot and cold, and when he is hot, can be a great shut down defender. Good and Fun CF Montreal boy, likely Europe bound after this WC. Also LOL his profile picture is radically different from what he looks like now. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: When Kamal is off his form, he is a nightmare. You’ll know what Kamal showed up if you see the desperation slide to get the ball because the forward is behind him. Can be a yellow card machine. Overall though, he’s Cool and Good. STEVEN VITÓRIA  Age: 35 Caps: 34 Club: GD Chaves Birthplace Toronto, Ontario, Canada Where they grew up Mississauga, Ontario, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES: Got a late start with the Canadian program (was 29, former Portuguese youth international). He is a BIG BOI. Very tough to beat one on one if coming straight at him. Usually on the receiving end of set pieces in the box, as he is Canada’s tallest player. Great instincts and positioning, which makes up for his biggest glaring deficiency as a player. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: Oh man if you thought Doneil Henry was slow, just get Vitoria in a one on one 100 yard sprint with Doneil and see who wins. You should start the race at 6 am so you can watch the end before sunset. At this stage of his career, should be a backup for Team Canada, but we have no choice as Tomori isn’t available to Canada this WC since he was a traitor and decided to go play for England this WC. Wait Tomori wasn’t selected and is now cap tied even though Canada qualified and is hosting in 2026?AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH SUCKS TO BE YOU BUDDY! SUCK MY rear end TOMORI! DEREK CORNELIUS  Age:24 Caps: 14 Club: Panetolikos FC Birthplace Ajax, Ontario, Canada Where they grew up Ajax, Ontario, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES: He somehow always shows up in all video montages or hype videos. Decent defender, surprising speed. 14 Caps, but I honestly can’t ever tell you of anything good or bad he’s done. He’s just…..there? WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: He’s a bit player. You should go and place a bet if he’s actually going to appear in the World Cup. I would be absolutely shocked if he does. You know the 3 extra spots all the countries got? That’s where Cornelius belongs. WINGBACKS SAMUEL ADEKUGBE  Age:27 Caps: 33 Club: Hatayspor FC Birthplace London, ENG Where they grew up Calgary, Alberta, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES: Here is the first of the FAST BOIS. Great sprinting down the wing, usually plays on the same side as his best friend on the team, some guy who wears #19 or some poo poo don’t know. In a super LOL fact, only has 1 career goal in 33 caps…and it was the goal that sealed the game against the Americans  . Watch Fonzie’s reaction to this goal on Twitch, it’s fantastic. Blistering speed, great vision, and tracks back very well. He is Cool and Good.WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: He struggles with confidence from time to time, and plays down to his opposition. Given that most of the opposition will be better than him, that’s…not so bad lol. He is a FAST BOI, but can sometime just run in a straight line. When he’s on his game though and isn’t just “RUN STRAIGHT” he embarrassed quite a few unsuspecting footballers. ALISTAIR JOHNSTON  Age: 24 Caps: 28 Club: CF Montreal Birthplace Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada Where they grew up Aurora, Ontario, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES: Alistair is the goddamn man. Also can play centerback. Can roam the field and is probably Canada’s most intelligent player. Very smart guy, just listen to any interview of his and you can tell very quickly. Will absolutely be a commentator or coach when he retires, effortless public speaker. As a footballer, he just keeps getting better and better. Good and Cool CF Montreal boy, should absolutely be in Europe after this WC. Good speed, great vision, relentless defender. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: He is very smart, but he isn’t as ultra-fast and athletic as his teammates (but he can hold his own). Got absolutely chewed up in the friendly against Uruguay (even though he was beyond amazing in the USA/Mexico challenges). So who knows how he’d do against top level strikers? RICHIE LARYEA  Age: 27 Caps: 32 Club: Toronto FC Birthplace Toronto, Ontario, Canada Where they grew up Toronto, Ontario, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES: Richie is a gigantic pain in the rear end to play against. Always in your face, looking to start poo poo. Opposing players always end up getting carded against him because they lash out over how much of a prick he is to them. Fantastic agitator, but not in the “I wanna punch him in the face like Calvo.” Deceptively fast, and also great at tracking back. Can play up and down the field. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: Not in the greatest form, and has barely played over the last year. Had an absolute disaster of a move to Europe (thanks Nottingham Forest get relegated you fucks). Came back from that poo poo move on loan to Toronto FC where that team promptly poo poo the bed because Toronto FC sucks. MID-MID-MID-FIELDERS STEPHEN EUSTÁQUIO  Age: 25 Caps: 26 Club: FC Porto Birthplace Leamington, Ontario, Canada Where they grew up Leamington, Ontario, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES: Just look at this goddamn majestic moustache on this man. LOOK AT IT AND BASK IN ITS’ GLORY. Stephen is the engine that propels the Canada attack. Our best midfielder, he has incredible vision and passing. I jokingly call him a poor man’s Pirlo, but unlike Pirlo’s people, Stephen is AT the World Cup. Can absolutely dominate the midfield with crisp, fast passing. Absolutely lighting it up in the Champions League for Porto right now, in the best form of his career. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: Not the greatest dribbler, relies on the pass to get out of a jam. Biggest challenge in the group stage? Look at the midfielders he has to go up against. He starts with De Bruyne, and his next match is loving Modric. Don’t be surprised to see Canada lose the midfield in both those games completely, which will negate Eustaquio’s effectiveness. LIAM FRASER  Age: 24 Caps: 14 Club: KMSK Deinze Birthplace Toronto, Ontario, Canada Where they grew up Vancouver, BC & Toronto, Ontario, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES: He’s got some speed and some good vision. Like Cornelius, will probably slot in that 23-26 spot if he makes the team. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: Would you trust a guy playing in the Belgian 2nd division to play against Belgium? I sure as gently caress wouldn’t. I wouldn’t be surprised if I have to delete his bio if Herdman leaves him off the team. Dudes check out this tweet of when Liam found out he actually made the team. This is the good poo poo https://mobile.twitter.com/canplnews/status/1591840519956881409 ATIBA HUTCHINSON  Age:39 (not a typo) Caps: 97 (all time Canadian leader) Club: Beşiktaş J.K. Birthplace North York, Ontario, Canada Where they grew up Brampton, Ontario, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES: Atiba is a legend. Team Captain. Talisman for the Canadian team. Qualified for the World Cup on his fifth cycle. Rangy midfielder who can spray passes with accuracy at will. Also has a scoring touch for Canada, scoring twice in WCQ. 6 time Canadian player of the year, and future Canadian Sports Hall of Famer. I’m sure this is one of the names most of TRP will recognize. Absolute professional who was there for the lowest of the lows and the highest of the highs. A true king. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: Atiba is 39 years old, and hasn’t played at all this year with the exception of just last week. So rust+ old father time will make Atiba’s participation in this World Cup a giant crapshoot. Will be the oldest player at the World Cup ( Brazil took Dani Alves lol, lmao, yet Atiba is 3 months older). Doesn’t have the stamina for a full 90 anymore, but will be effective in the 60-70 minutes he can give you. I will probably bawl like a baby when I see Atiba on the field in the World Cup for the first time though. MARK- ANTHONY KAYE  Age: 27 Caps: 36 Club: Toronto FC Birthplace Toronto, Ontario, Canada Where they grew up Toronto, Ontario, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES: The usual Atiba replacement. Former MLS all-star. When he is on his game, can be a game breaker. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: Problem is, it’s been a REAL long time since Kaye has been on his game. He is struggling mightily with form and confidence, and on a deeper squad, would most likely not be making the team. Took a stupid red card in the Costa Rica WCQ game, and of course stupid loving hicks had to send him imagery of the KKK and burning crosses and wishing for his death, because humans are trash. ISMAËL KONÉ  Age:20 Caps: 4 Club:CF Montréal Birthplace Abidjan, CIV Where they grew up Montréal, Québec, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES:Remember this name TRP. Kone is one of the MLS breakout stars of the season, came out of nowhere and led the Cool and Good CF Montreal attack. Not to the level of Davies, but he will 100% be playing in Europe in the next few seasons. Electrifying player, expect to see him come on as a super sub when Canada will be losing their games to provide a spark. Future starter for Canada. Another one of the FAST BOIS. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: He struggles in tight spaces, and is a defensive liability, which means Herdman won’t trust him to play a full 90. Currently a luxury player in the Canadian set-up, as Kone grows in his position and matures as a footballer, he will play more internationally. Has tons of potential though. JONATHAN OSORIO  Age: 30 Caps: 55 Club: Unattached FC Baby!!! (Formerly of Toronto FC) Birthplace Toronto, Ontario, Canada Where they grew up Brampton, Ontario, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES: Vet of the Canadian team. Another one of the Brampton crew. Scored the first goal at Azteca in 40+ years (it was his only goal in WCQ too lol). Has pretty good vision. Very cerebral player, who knows when to slow the game down and take the ball back. A metronome for the squad. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: That fucker from Switzerland I think his name is Shakira elbowed him in a meaningless MLS game and he’s been suffering from post-concussion syndrome. Hasn’t played meaningful football in 6 months. Just got back to full fitness but is missing match fitness. May start, but I wouldn’t be surprised that the fucker from Zootopia forces him to a super-sub role. SAMUEL PIETTE  Age:27 Caps:64 Club:CF Montréal Birthplace Le Gardeur, Québec, Canada Where they grew up Le Gardeur, Québec, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES:: Another vet of the Canadian team. Cool guy, and the only member of the squad I’ve met in person. A real bulldog of a defensive midfielder, loves crunching tackles and gives no fucks who he’s marking, he’ll try to get the ball off them. Fearless. Good defensively. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: Piette’s foot is where offense goes to die. Piette’s vision in attack is AWFUL. If he has the ball and the team is on a counter or a break, just don’t get excited. Don’t. He just doesn’t know what to do. Should be a sub who comes on if Canada has a lead (lol), or if Herdman decides to clog up the midfield in a 3-5-2…he might actually start. Also never gets injured on club duty, but somehow always gets hurt on international duty (aka Navas-itis) DAVID WOTHERSPOON  Age: 32 Caps: 10 Club: St. Johnstone Birthplace Perth, Scotland Where they grew up Bridge of Earn, Scotland WHY THIS PLAYER RULES: Plays in Europe. Wotherspoon has a cool nickname (Spoony). When playing for Canada, takes on a more offensive role. Isn’t afraid to rocket shots at net. Has good offensive awareness, a good passer, and technically pretty solid. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: I really didn’t expect him to be selected, as he shredded his knee last November and it took almost 11 months for him to get back. He’s only been back playing for a month, so I would expect limited minutes if he does play…but he’s light years ahead of Kaye even at half speed. FORWARDS LUCAS CAVALLINI  Age: 29 Caps: 33 Club: Unattached FC Baby!!!!!! (Formerly Vancouver Whitecaps FC) Birthplace Toronto, Ontario, Canada Where they grew up Mississauga, Ontario, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES:: Good Canadian foot soldier. Was there from the first round when the other players weren’t available and did a shitload of scoring against minnows. Scored that famous goal in Nations League that beat the Americans and announced the arrival of Canada Soccer. Striker brought on to ice games, very responsible defensively. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: Slightly loving psychotic. Didn’t play a lot this summer since he was suspended for a month or so for STOMPING ON SOMEBODY’S HEAD. He has an infuriating tendency to miss absolute sitters in the box 2-3 times a game, and then out of nowhere hits a loving screamer from 30 yards out that goes in. Like goddammit bro, be consistent. IKÉ UGBO  Age: 24 Caps: 8 Club: Troyes AC Birthplace London, ENG Where they grew up London, England WHY THIS PLAYER RULES:: A FAST BOI. Always good for one or two chances a game, which is good given he’s the usually 75th-80th minute substitute. Decent passer as well, and a good dribbler. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: Remember how I said he gets 1-2 chances a game? Well he hasn’t converted on any of them, and is still looking for his first international goal…which as a striker…isn’t good. Not in the greatest form for his club team either. If he plays, it won’t be a lot, and don’t expect much. LIAM MILLAR  Age: 23 Caps: 16 Club: FC Basel Birthplace Toronto, Ontario, Canada Where they grew up Brampton, Ontario, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES:: Utility player. Can play up top as easy as slotting into the midfield or on the wings. Good speed, and is a surprisingly good crosser. Another fn Brampton boy, I swear something is in that city’s water. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: I have never seen Liam Millar with a clear cut scoring opportunity. When playing up top, struggles to get separation. Will slot in as another late game substitute. JUNIOR HOILETT  Age: 32 Caps: 49 Club: Reading Birthplace Brampton, Ontario, Canada Where they grew up Brampton, Ontario, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES:: Gee what a shocker another guy from Brampton. Junior’s real name is David did ya know that? Junior plays both midfield and forward for Canada. Yes, it’s the same Hoilett you saw in the Championship for a decade, it’s him. Great at clowning on the USA, it was hilarious how he owned the American defense in WCQ. Has a good scoring touch. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: He’s getting up there in years. Sometimes is out of sync with his defensive partner, leading to easy turnovers. Overall though, Junior is a solid, solid player. TAJON BUCHANAN  Age: 23 Caps:25 Club: Club Brugge KV Birthplace Toronto, Ontario, Canada Where they grew up Brampton, Ontario, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES:: gently caress HOW MANY GUYS ARE FROM BRAMPTON. The 2nd fastest player on the team, he is an ULTRA FAST BOI. Playing and starting for a Champions League team. Tajon loves nothing more than getting a 1 on 1 with a defender and blowing right the gently caress by him going “cya bitch.” Had his coming out party at the 2019 Gold Cup when he carried Canada in the tournament, and scored on those rudo pinche bitches from Mexico. This guy is absolutely TERRIFYING when he has space and the ball blitzing down the wing. He plays up and down the entire field, usually on the opposite side of #19. Insanely athletic. Loves doing step-overs when isolated 1 on 1. You could start a drinking game over how many step-overs he does in a game. This dude rules. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: Tajon is a hothead. When pissed off, he’s a guy you can get off his game, and get him a nice shiny yellow card or have him give up a penalty. Still maturing as a player and needs to eliminate that from his game. When off his game, he’s invisible, but that’s occurring less and less as he grows in confidence and maturity CYLE LARIN  Age: 27 Caps: 54 Club:Club Brugge KV Birthplace Brampton, Ontario, Canada Where they grew up Brampton, Ontario, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES: gently caress JESUS CHRIST I’M SO TIRED OF TYPING BRAMPTON. All-time leading Canadian goal scorer (although to be honest will probably get eclipsed by the next guy on the list.) Clinical and deadly finisher. 2nd best goal scorer in all of world football in national team games in 2021. Plays a lot better for country versus club. No matter what form he is in club wise, Larin turns on Beast-Mode when representing Canada. Former leading goal scorer in the Turkish league. Benefits greatly from the space created by the other forwards. Knows how to get into space. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: Moved to Club Brugge to hang out with Tajon, but isn’t playing at all. So not in prime match condition. He has matured a lot recently since becoming a father, because early in his career… oooof he was a bit of a diva (hi Orlando City fans!) JONATHAN DAVID  Age: 22 Caps: 34 Club: Lille OSC Birthplace Brooklyn, New York, USA (lol )Where they grew up Ottawa, Ontario, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES:: The Iceman. 22 goals already in 34 games. Absolutely lighting up Ligue 1 right now. Has more goals in Ligue 1 than some scrub named Messi. One of the best finishers in CONCACAF, and likely a top 10 finisher in the world. Should be a household name everyone in TRP recognizes. Will absolutely make a monster big money move to a top club in the future. When Davies went down, he carried the team on his back like Greg Jennings doe. Would make the roster of a lot of countries and clubs . He’ll most likely pass Cyle Larin in the next few years for all-time scorer. Not bad for a guy who was playing non-club football 5 years ago, huh? Also a FAST BOI. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: Man this is tough to find something negative about his game. Sometimes not on the same page as Davies and Larin, he is much better as the secondary striker to Larin (remember that WCQ game he came off the bench, lol gently caress imagine making this guy a super-sub). Uhh what else… he’s kinda quiet? I got nothing. ALPHONSO DAVIES  Age: 22 Caps: 34 Club: FC Bayern München Birthplace Gomoa Buduburam, GHA Where they grew up Edmonton, Alberta, Canada WHY THIS PLAYER RULES:: Who the FOOK is this guy? The most recognizable Canadian athlete on the planet. Top 5 fastest players in the world. World class player, with insane speed, incredible dribbling, and a fantastic ball distributor. Also not surprisingly, a fantastic defender. One of the best left backs in the world. In case TRP didn’t know, he DOESN’T play left back for Canada. Given his incredible talent, John Herdman usually plays him further up the field as a left midfielder or left forward. The face of Canadian Soccer, and one of the primary reasons for the resurgence. Incredibly charismatic. Intense competitor. Would probably start for any country in the World Cup. By far the best player in CONCACAF. WHY THIS PLAYER SUCKS: Believe it or not Fonzie isn’t perfect. He has a worrying tendency to get injured. Missed half the WCQ games for Canada in the final round. Won’t be at 100% for the World Cup as he currently has a hamstring injury. Being so young, Fonzie still has a tendency of “doing too much” when he has the ball (and he has the ball a lot). He constantly tries to split 3-4 defenders at once, which 90% of the time, it doesn’t work…but the 10% of the time it does…it’s glorious. Also less effective when he cuts into center of the field, as defenders can gang up on him. He needs to be blitzing 100% of the time from the wing, and just MEEP MEEP past every defender wide, as there are only a handful of defenders in the world who can handle his pace. stab fucked around with this message at 21:45 on Nov 15, 2022 |
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Nov 8, 2022 02:50
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 were gonna win the world cup, i will not be taking any questions
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Nov 8, 2022 23:14
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Can't wait for these boys to end up beating Belgian Red Devils
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Nov 8, 2022 23:17
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stab posted:Even their own federation didn't believe they would make it. (Also the CSA is trash) how they doin relative to hockey canada op?
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Nov 9, 2022 23:20
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Eau de MacGowan posted:how they doin relative to hockey canada op? Two piles of poo poo, except one pile of poo poo has money
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Nov 10, 2022 00:25
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Gotta love this team, especially this particular version with all kinds of ages coming together. So happy to see Hutchinson get rewarded for carrying the national team for the better part of the last 20 years and still captaining Besiktas. David and Davies are the obvious big guns, but outside that Buchanan, Adekugbe, Larin, and Borjan have all made big impacts for Canada. Their MLSers can step up to the plate well enough too, Koné, Osorio, Laryea, and Johnston have all contributed. They'll make it hard on whoever they're playing, it will be a tight and hard fought group, one of the toughest in the tournament.
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Nov 10, 2022 07:08
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I’m excited to for Canada I like that place, good luck Canada.
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Nov 10, 2022 15:39
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I hope they score a goal this time.
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Nov 10, 2022 16:06
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jmnmu posted:Gotta love this team, especially this particular version with all kinds of ages coming together. So happy to see Hutchinson get rewarded for carrying the national team for the better part of the last 20 years and still captaining Besiktas. This is Scott Arfield erasure
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Nov 10, 2022 18:17
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is canada a one man team like wales
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Nov 10, 2022 18:19
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Probably a two man team. Jonathan David is a really good striker.
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Nov 10, 2022 18:28
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Stiev Awt posted:Probably a two man team. Jonathan David is a really good striker. three man if we're talking only Europe Estaquio is lighting it up for Porto rn edit: wait until the roster comes out I'm going do player by player detail because I'm a crazy person
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Nov 10, 2022 18:51
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stab posted:three man if we're talking only Europe this is tajon buchanan erasure
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Nov 10, 2022 19:02
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abuse culture. posted:this is tajon buchanan erasure oh im gonna call out brampton so much in my writeups
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Nov 10, 2022 19:14
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mila kunis posted:is canada a one man team like wales could make an argument for either David or Davies being the best player in CONCACAF. Eustaquio, Buchanan, Hutchinson, and Borjan are all solid and have decent champions league experience. Larin scored the most goals in international football in 2021 I believe, and had a great season with Besiktas a year ago. Adekugbe, Jr. Hoilett, and Vitoria also have all played in Europe a long time. Overall the squad is pretty good, we outplayed both Mexico and the US during the qualifying period. Total Meatlove posted:This is Scott Arfield erasure guy apparently was unwelcome in the dressing room by the end of it. the team really took off after he was dropped
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Nov 10, 2022 20:48
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I'm going to hoot and holler for a long time if Canada gets any kind of result against Belgium or Croatia. If they get a chance to counterattack Belgium's old rear end defence 
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Nov 10, 2022 21:19
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I am legit kinda excited to cheer for Canada this year. Gonna go hard. Maybe even get a loving jersey.
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Nov 10, 2022 22:26
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Please rise and remove your hats for the Canadian national anthem https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-glHAzXi_M
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Nov 11, 2022 01:33
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Poonior Toilett posted:Please rise and remove your hats for the Canadian national anthem this isn't home for a rest?? I think canada is hosed but i'm here for every minute of it
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Nov 11, 2022 14:38
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Canada has many folk anthems that are superior to the official national anthem. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRD3vrSLPaw https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOJMg53leUY I might try and find a pub to watch the first match against Belgium, on the off chance Canada can make a dent, but I'm just naively hoping they can make it out of the group stage.
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Nov 11, 2022 15:02
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Congratulations to Canada for managing to steal a late 2-2 draw against World Cup favourites Bahrain today
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Nov 11, 2022 22:32
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5400 word write up and I'm still missing some players who i'm not sure will get selected etc. BRAMPTON BRAMPTON BRAMPTON BRAMPTON go read the player write ups TRP for my sanity stab fucked around with this message at 23:23 on Nov 11, 2022 |
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Nov 11, 2022 23:20
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do a write-up for Paul Peschisolido just in case
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Nov 11, 2022 23:51
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FullLeatherJacket posted:do a write-up for Paul Peschisolido just in case Gonna get carlo corrazins profile ready 2 go
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Nov 11, 2022 23:54
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Great OP op I moved to Canada 17 years ago and stoked that they are in the world Cup finally! Gonna be fun going to pubs for the games Hope they don't play England (my birth country) though, that could get a bit awkward
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Nov 12, 2022 04:17
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Alctel posted:Great OP op That would require both teams making the same semi final and Canada getting past (most likely) Spain or Germany as well so I think you'll be alright
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Nov 12, 2022 12:31
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loving love Atiba, was such a sensational player for us back in the day. But jesus christ, it is forever ago, so always impressed when reminded he still plays football.
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Nov 12, 2022 12:35
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let's go tj (and cyle)
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Nov 12, 2022 21:52
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Eustaquio scored again today, he's absolutely tearing it up for Porto. 4 goals and 2 assists in his last 5 games. abuse culture. posted:Congratulations to Canada for managing to steal a late 2-2 draw against World Cup favourites Bahrain today It was a second or even third string Canadian squad, mostly MSLers who haven't played in a while to get back into shape
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Nov 12, 2022 23:40
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Hand Knit posted:I hope they score a goal this time. against Blegium
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Nov 13, 2022 05:10
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Good OP stab
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Nov 13, 2022 07:00
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The Colorado Rapids traded for Kaye, then traded him away (lol MLS player acquisition rules) after a few months, which should tell you all you need to know about his current form.
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Nov 13, 2022 10:04
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Roster reveal is live on TSN now Edit: gently caress yes doneil henry didnt make the team, Joel Waterman in. Wotherspoon in at the midfield. stab fucked around with this message at 16:33 on Nov 13, 2022 |
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Nov 13, 2022 16:03
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Nov 13, 2022 16:46
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Wooo let's score a goal and get a draw boys!
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Nov 13, 2022 16:49
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full roster writeups completed with the changes from today's announcement. 20 pages in Word to put this all together lmao. Let's fukkin go CANADA
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Nov 13, 2022 18:18
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Herdman will engineer a 1-0 shock to Belgium and it will be Canada's only goal. 5 points in the group and out in the quarters
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Nov 13, 2022 18:51
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Here mostly to give props for that OP and to point out that this is our year to maybe score a goal.
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Nov 13, 2022 19:05
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phwloar bears lol
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Nov 13, 2022 20:02
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