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Creation 242 words Maple tree seeds helicopter from branches, launched by the bouncing of bantering crows. Cicadas whine in harmony with leaf blowers. This symphony beckons my neighbors to their windows to slam them shut and sequester themselves with silence. I step into the backyard, intent on encapsulating summer’s glory. A crimson cardinal shrieks in the mulberry. Each call erupts into the air, luring me and a soft-feathered mate. I sit so as not to interrupt the ritual and I become a hill for ants to traverse. They set down paths in care of their comrades and of their future selves. Who am I to disrupt their wavy way? Instead I watch, wide-eyed. The crabgrass and clover and chickweed stretch up and out in directions of least resistance. Their flowers emanate intricate perfumes too subtle for proper appreciation until their stems reach level with my nose. Insects swarm, enticed by the intoxicants of over ripened rinds. I become an anchor point for spider webs that shine in sunlight and glisten in moonlight before breaking and becoming wisps in the wind. The off-white paint on the cedar fence peels in a golden ratio of gravity. Rats weave between my feet, twitching their noses and relishing the overgrown bounty of the backyard. Musical knocks resound around me. The landlord announces she is here to evict me unless I enact a will upon these unsightly wonders. I remain seated, paralyzed by the process and unmoved by the urging.
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Nov 21, 2022 02:25
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| # ¿ May 22, 2024 05:56 |
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^^Oh, forgot to say that feedback is most welcome.Uranium Phoenix posted:Monument You didn't mention. But you're always so keen on crits being the best part of TD, so I took the liberty. All of these are my impression and what images your words conjure in my mind. If the words you chose still achieve what you want, leave them. I really like the image of the first paragraph. The setting is stark and vivid. I got slightly hung up on the word harrowing because my brain wants it to be the adjective and not the verb. But with its two meanings, it also fits the mood nicely. Not saying to change it, just that it gave me a bit of pause. Two typos "A night, rows of rats" instead of "At night" and "glittering in in every crevasse", needs an in removed. I kind of want something more evocative than "smelling like heaven" since I don't know what heaven is to the people in the story. Unless this land is heaven. Or was or has become in stories because that would be interesting. That heaven is a place that used to be and the smell of roasting rats reminds them of it. Love the comparison of the steel to beasts of burden and storms along black stone paths but I'm not sure if "ran" is the right verb to use for this, since it implies a motion that I wouldn't associate with unmoving structures. Looms maybe? Towers? After that, the images, again, are very vivid and the setting is clear to me. But I think I'd rather this paragraph tell me more about the life they lead now, after the crumbling. (Or do so in addition to.) And I want to know more about this life that continues after. That's what would have me in wonder as a reader.
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Nov 21, 2022 02:42
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Antivehicular posted:Late for the contest, but worth a go at producing something better than "nice Tumblr post," I guess: I like this. It manages to cram both a plot and a point in the 250 words, which we all know how hard that is. I like that it starts with the "expected" wonder but then immediately dashes it in favor of exploring the other. For the knit picks: this doesn't need "let alone food." It's implied enough from the previous sentence and maybe changing to a stronger "loses" instead of starts losing. Saves you a few words. And that will give you a few more adjectives to add later like "acute fear" or something even more evocative.
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Nov 25, 2022 14:27
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