|
My Shark Waifuu posted:
This has a wonderful, stark loneliness to it. The wonder of seeing something out of place but still beautiful. I wondered why she had to do anything with the house, why she was walking alone. I got the impression that maybe she'd recently been widowed. I don't know if making that obvious in the text would make it a stronger piece, but if that's not what happened maybe making it clearer would be worth it? *** Similarly, here's what I've got, feedback very welcome. Childhood One morning along the well-trod path to the playground you saw the most beautiful rock you’d ever seen glittering in the dust. You stopped and knelt next to it, fascinated. The word “rock” didn't do it justice. This wasn't a common, dull lump. It was dark as night. It drank in sunlight and reflected it back in countless rainbows. You saw colors there that you'd only seen on the wings of grackles that flocked around your house. It was warm in your hands, with a lacey, crisp surface that reminded you of an oatmeal cookie. It smelled like sunny days in the park. Its beauty overwhelmed you, and you lost the words to describe your emotions. On another day it might have brought you to tears. Instead, you brought it to me. “Mommy! Look!” You pressed your discovery against my thigh. I accepted your treasure with a bewildered smile. “Oh, how lovely! It's a piece of asphalt.” “It’s beautiful,” you breathed. “It’s so shiny. So pretty. It’s for you. I want to keep it. Can you hold it for me?” “Sure, bud.” I carried it and you back to the house. Once home, you placed the chunk of asphalt reverently onto the pile of treasures you'd collected from previous walks. Hours later the rock would be forgotten, washed away by promises of ice cream and Octonauts. Next week there will be another walk, another discovery, and those too will join the growing cairn next to our door.
|
#
¿
Nov 20, 2022 02:20
|
|
thunderdome winner
|
|
| # ¿ May 22, 2024 15:45 |
|