• Before the morning dew of January 1st is even off the ground SquareEnix are extolling the virtues of NFTs, the metaverse and blockchain games because while we’re now living in 2022 they’re still living in 2019.
  
• With the various lawsuits and scandals at Activision-Blizzard still taking up major headlines within the industry Phil Spector of XBox adds his thoughts to the discourse by saying that they have no intention of virtue-shaming Blizzard by, y’know, acknowledging the copious instances of sexual assault or the literal suicide of an employee.
  
• Tabletop Simulator unexpectedly makes the headlines after the gaming platform is called out for its homophobic and transphobic moderation practices. As is so often the case gamers hit Steam with a series of review bombs… positive ones, because gamers are the loving worst.
  
• The figurehead of pro skating in video games Tony Hawk becomes the latest celebrity to start hawking NFTs. In the world of skateboarding I believe this is what they call a crooked grind.
  
• With everyone still largely living in isolation due to the global pandemic a man named Josh Wardle creates an unassuming browser game that brings us all together. The whole world erupts into a frenzy of orange and green squares as Wordle takes over social media even though the gameplay is a bit shite. Which coincidentally is a really good starting word for Wordle!
  
• A member of the Italian Senate faces a hard moment when a clip of Tifa Lockheart hentai porn accidentally airs during a Zoom meeting. Now that’s what I call a sticky situation!
  
• Renowned voice actor Troy Baker announces his own NFT collaboration with 15.ai offering gamers the choice to hate or create. Can you guess which option they chose?
  
• In a move that shocks the entire industry Microsoft announces that they will be purchasing the much beleaguered Activision-Blizzard which does at least explain why Phil Spector didn’t want to virtue-shame them. ActiBlizz CEO and minion of Satan Bobby Kotick will be stepping down with a $300 million parachute payment which is about $60 million per lawsuit. In the wake of this news 21 QA staff at Raven Software announce that they have unionised to form the first union in AAA development. They will be raiding Blizzard’s offices every Sunday night for Bobby’s purpz.
  
• There is much controversy when it is revealed that Unity are designing training simulations for the US Air Force although this quickly dies down when people realise they’re still not as good as Microsoft Flight Simulator.
  
• After much criticism from loyal fans Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater’s Tony Hawk walks back his support for NFT. In the world of skateboarding I believe this is what they call a 180.
  
• Nicolas Bouard, a man with the definitely-not-sketchy job title of Blockchain Initiative Director at Ubisoft Quartz claims that gamers are so resistant to NFTs entering the gaming space because they don’t understand them even though their distaste for them shows a lot more understanding than a man with the job title of Blockchain Initiative Director.
  
• Faced with Microsoft’s aggressive expansion in the market Sony retaliates by shelling out to acquire Destiny-creators Bungie. However plans for Nintendo to purchase Sega fall apart when they realise they’d have to make a good Sonic game.
  
• Two weeks following his initial announcement Troy Baker declares that he is ending his NFT partnership, seemingly the last of us to realise they were a bad idea.
  
• The creators behind the Worms franchise Team17 announce their own plans to move into the NFT space. Oh boy, I can’t wait to see how long this one lasts!
  

• Less than 24 hours later Team17 enact a turnabout faster than Phoenix Wright as they retract their plans to get into NFTs. Oof.
  
• Just in case there were some gamers out there that Activision-Blizzard hadn’t pissed off yet they announce a new mobile game in the Warcraft franchise. After all, everyone has phones!
  
• With the gaming public strangely not won over by their ‘you’re too dumb to understand’ argument Ubisoft change tack by attempting to win over their staff with gifts of free NFTs. These unwanted presents started off being worth $0.00 and still ended up depreciating in value.
  
• After a long drawn-out legal battle Gary Bowser is sentenced to jail for 40 months for video game piracy. However Nintendo’s celebrations are short lived when the judge announces that the ROMs are in another castle.
  
• In an attempt to keep up with the other big hitters in the streaming industry Amazon Prime reveals that the platform will be receiving adaptations of morose teen-girl simulator Life Is Strange and the much acclaimed Disco Elysium because if anyone is suited to tell the nuanced story of an anarcho-communist detective deftly manoeuvring through a labour dispute of an oppressed working class it’s the company that forces its staff to piss in bottles because they can’t take breaks.
  
• Excitement builds as Capcom announce the latest entry in their popular fighting franchise Street Fighter VI although many gamers are confused by the new logo which looks like they are dropping the newest cryptocurrency.
  
• Gamers wanting an authentic console experience from their PC are rewarded with the release of the Steam Deck. The handheld gaming computer is such an authentic recreation of a Switch that it even comes with authentic stick drift right out the box!
  
• The whole world is rocked by the news that Russia have launched a full-scale invasion of Ukraine. The unprovoked assault on Ukrainian territory affects many game developers, most notably owners of the Sherlock series Frogwares and S.T.A.L.K.E.R. creators GSC Game World, but more importantly leads to the unnecessary slaughter of thousands all because Vladimir Putin is a oval office.
  
• In happier news the hype limit is on overload as the most anticipated game of all time since the last most anticipated game of all time drops when FromSoftware release Elden Ring. With the introduction of an open world to the traditional Soulsborne formula the game comes packed with innovations, none of which are more secret or undetectable than the compass sat at the top of the screen for the entire game.
  

• Those seeking reports on worker exploitation in the gaming industry start to look for new sources after journalists at Kotaku join the GMG Group in an organised strike due to worker exploitation in the gaming indsutry.
  
• With the world still reeling from Vladimir Putin’s invasion of Ukraine the gaming industry begins to take action in response. Steam halts all payment processing for Russian users while Microsoft also suspends all sales and services. Meanwhile EA removes all Russian teams from FIFA while Epic and Activision-Blizzard also launch boycotts of the nation, although no one can work how preventing people from playing World of Warcraft is meant to be a punishment.
  
• As Microsoft and Sony both make aggressive expansions in the market through third party acquisitions Epic Games attempt to stay competitive by purchasing Bandcamp for three packets of Haribo and whatever loose change Tim Sweeney could find in the sofa.
  
• Fans much hyped for the latest offering from Platinum are disappointed when their first live-service game Babylon’s Fall launches with fluffy controls and ugly graphics. The game goes on to max out at 1166 concurrent users on Steam. Babylon’s Fall more like Babylon’s Fail.
  
• After a week of strike action the journalists at GMG Group win major concessions from their employers including an increased wage, parental leave and minimum severances so just think what they could have achieved if they’d been able to negotiate for a better deal individually!
  
• Russia’s war in Ukraine continues to have unexpected consequences as Escape From Tarkov’s in-game currency, which is based on real-world price fluctuations, crashes following the collapse of the ruble. This would never have happened if they’d based their currency on Bitcoin.
  
• Yet another video game giant comes under fire for sexist office culture as Sony faces a class action lawsuit alleging claiming institutional discrimination. The news passes with little notice however because this just happens all the loving time now.
  
• The long-time desired Final Fantasy cart racer arrives as Chocobo GP hits shelves however gamers soon realise the £40 game is loaded with microtransactions and premium currency because why follow a free-to-play model when you can instead follow a fee-to-play model!
  
• 2015 rail shooter Gal Gun Double Peace gets a remaster as Inti Creates release an Ultimate Horny Edition. The Collector’s Edition comes with many extras including a pair of stockings. Gaming was a mistake.
  
• Following months of backlash in response to plans to put Kickstarter on the blockchain company CEO Aziz Hasan announces his departure from the company with assurances that this has nothing to do with the controversy and is entirely down to ‘personal reflection’. He has personally reflected on being caught out in a crypto grift and has decided to run away until people stop being mad.
  
• Just when you thought Activision-Blizzard could go a month without negative press they pick up another sexual assault lawsuit meaning they now have more open litigations than active games in development.
  
• Everyone’s favourite pink puffball is back as Kirby and the Forgotten Land hits consoles. The first fully 3D game in the franchise adds a number of new abilities including the power to become a car. Toot toot, motherfucker!
  
• Much touted in Web 3.0 circles as the future of the industry, NFT-game Axie Infinity faces serious troubles as hackers exploit the sidechain to steal $617 million in currency because who needs to play-to-earn when you can just earn?
  
• As COVID-19 continues to leave the industry in a state of uncertainty E3 announces that this year’s big summer conference will be cancelled. With gamers worldwide in jeopardy of not being marketed to Geoff Keighley steps in to save the day with a promise to put on Geoff Keighley’s Summer Geoff Fest Presented by Geoff Keighley. Hurray!
  
• With bosses around the world trying to push workers back into the office despite the continued global pandemic Activision-Blizzard take action in the most predictable fashion, by dropping all vaccine requirements so that everyone can work together to spread the virus. Who says Bobby Kotick hates collective action?
  

• After initial criticism Activision-Blizzard reinstate vaccine requirements for office working faster than you can say ‘Team17 NFT game’.
  
• The CEO of – you guessed it – Activision-Blizzard, Bobby Kotick comes under federal investigation in his continued quest to treat felonies like Pokémon and catch them all.
  
• Video gaming takes one step closer towards cultural acceptance at the Grammy Awards where the industry picks up its first ever gong. A jazz orchestra named 8-Bit Big Band claim the Best Arrangement, Instrumental or Acapella Award for their version of Meta Knight’s Revenge from 1996’s Kirby Superstar. The ceremony is received with great acclaim apart from the awkward moment when Kirby ate Taylor Swift, although his rendition of ‘Shake It Off’ was highly regarded.
  
• Despite being live for only four months Ubisoft pulls all NFT integration from Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon: Breakpoint because those mean bad gamers refused to get it and those smart brave innovators were just ahead of their time a bloo bloo bloo.
  
• Not content with sportswashing his nation’s appalling human rights record with WWE shows and Formula 1 the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Mohammed Bin Salman, purchases SNK. In related news, women are no longer allowed to play the King of Fighters series.
  
• Facing continued scrutiny for their treatment of workers Activision-Blizzard announce that they will be converting all agency QA testing staff to full-time contracts with significant pay rises. The fact that this does not include the Raven Software testers fighting to unionise is an absolute coincidence and definitely not an attempt to undermine their collaborative bargaining power, no sir!
  
• There’s excitement for gamers in movie theatres as Sonic the Hedgehog 2 hits the silver screen. With its widened cast, bigger focus on Sonic’s world and true version of Dr. Robotnik the film is hailed as an honest adaptation of the franchise although there are questions about the last minute decision to recast Sonic, Tails and Knuckles all as Chris Pratt.
  
• Despite ongoing progress by the DFEH in the suit against Activision-Blizzard the organisation faces repeated interference from the office of California Governor Gavin Newsom which just so happens to mirror the interests of the gaming corporation. It’s almost like the DFEH are staffed by Raven QA testers!
  
• The year’s ongoing attempt to play NFT Madlibs continues as Ultima-creator Lord British becomes the latest developer to jump on the grift train.
  
• The veil of secrecy around Nintendo of America is broken after a former worker files a complaint with the NLRB alleging the company prevented them exercising their right to unionise with threats of dismissal, surveillance and jumping up and down on their head until their shell fell off.
  
• SquareEnix’s latest merch release raises some eyebrows as the 1/6th scale model of Final Fantasy VI’s Terra Branford is priced at $12,000. Not least among the critics is the franchise’s creator Hironobu Sakaguchi who is very upset by the number not being limited to $9,999.
  
• QA staff at regular BioWare contractors Keywords Studios put in their own notice to unionise with the Alberta Labour Relations Board. Now that’s what I call a mass effect!
  
• With the upcoming release stream running pretty dry the closest thing to come out this month resembling a video game is Rogue Legacy 2. Oh well, I’m sure there’ll be something out next month!
  
• Sonic the Hedgehog creator Yuji Naka reveals that he was moved off of Balan Wonderworld six months before the game was released, adding “oh god oh god please don’t blame me it’s not my fault”.
  

• Following disappointing release performances from their Western studios SquareEnix sells off Crystal Dynamics, Eidos-Montreal and SquareEnix-Montreal to Embracer Group. Company CEO Yosuke Matsuda announces that revenue from the sale will be used to fund development into blockchain games, thereby engaging in his own final fantasy.
  
• Activision-Blizzard CEO Bobby Kotick finds himself sued by the NYC Employees Retirement System under accusations that he is unfit to negotiate the Microsoft buyout. Somehow this is only the fifth worst piece of PR to come out about the company this month.
  
• SquareEnix continue their range of excessively priced statue with a version of Tifa Lockheart in which she is posed twerking on Cloud’s sword. This is not a euphemism. Oh well, at least it wasn’t the hentai version.
  
• The world is stunned when papers leak indicating that the US Supreme Court plans to overturn the country’s landmark Roe vs. Wade case which enshrined reproductive rights into law. Bungie are the first gaming company to respond with a firm defence of the ruling citing that a ban on abortions will prevent any more Destiny 2 expansions.
  
• After running the franchise for over 30 years EA announce that they will no longer be attaching the FIFA license to their football games. Rampant corruption, people in positions of power they are unsuited for and properties being awarded to places that are unable to deliver to the top standard required, yes it’s hard working at EA.
  
• The board of shareholders at Activision-Blizzard meets to address all the allegations and controversies that have been plaguing the company for the last year. Finally it’s time to stand up and take action against the perpetrators of harm and guide the company to a better future no wait they’ve re-elected Bobby Kotick, voted against adding an employee representative to the board and blocked a report into harassment and abuse of employees. Oh.
  
• More gaming companies start to make their positions clear on Roe vs. Wade. With the debate raging PlayStation CEO Jim Ryan blunders into the argument like a white man in a Chinese shop as he tells employees that they must respect each other’s views on abortion. Women need to respect that some want to steal their body autonomy and Jim Ryan needs to respect that women think he’s a wanker.
  
• One person not afraid to make babies in these turbulent times is Master Chief who has sex on the Halo TV show. The real debate is costume on or costume off but no one is actually watching to let us know.
  
• Facing a tide of negative press Activision-Blizzard attempt to gain some positive headlines by showing off their Diversity Matrix which rates characters for diversity for a number of characteristics including ethnicity, sexuality, gender identity and body type. It is quickly pointed that arbitrarily quantifying diversity only reinforces differences between people, a fact which is inherently obvious to anyone who doesn’t fall into the characteristics of cishet white male ActiBlizz exec.
  
• As the latest controversy continues to rage around Activision-Blizzard media attention turns towards ...Activision-Blizzard. Oh come on!
  
• I can’t keep doing this. I’m done.
  
• I’m broken. They’ve broken me.
  
• Ok, fine. Activision-Blizzard are caught using union busting during the Raven Software QA tester vote to unionise with 12 team members being fired, others being moved to alternative departments and threats to promotions and benefits. Are you quite done now?
  
• Oh, apparently not. With criticism growing over their cutting edge Diversity Matrix Activision-Blizzard clarify that the tool was developed as a prototype that was tested internally but has never been in active use because apparently they think we all scored full marks on the Are You A loving Idiot Matrix.
  
• Away from the biggest bunch of chucklefucks in gaming Sony and Insomniac donate $50,000 to organisations fighting to preserve reproductive rights because it is literally that easy.
  
• With everyone wrapping up their Elden Ring playthroughs the hunt for a new video game continues. Some insist that Old World is a video game but on closer inspection it is discovered to be a spreadsheet simulator.
  
• In Buffalo a mass shooter claims the lives of ten Black people. The shooter’s manifesto cites the popular kid’s game Roblox as the source of his radicalisation towards white supremacy. Roblox continues to operate poor content moderation and child safeguarding to this day.
  
• Back to the Madlibs now as the latest to announce their own NFT game is... Mega Man creator Keiji Inafune! Ooh, I got bingo!
  
• A year on from the Gamestop stock frenzy Melvin Capital, one of the main hedge funds effected, is forced to close its doors due to the financial losses sustained. Their game stopped.
  
• Responding to the major acquisitions in the sector in the year EA announce their intention to sell the company. Of the big console companies Microsoft and Sony remain satisfied with their current purchases and Nintendo show a lack of interest but there are rumours of interest from the Ouya.
  
• Wrapping up a banner month from a company that has faced sexual assault charges and Chinese censorship scandals the National Labor Relations Board rules that Activision-Blizzard illegally threatened staff attempting to unionise. On the very same day the Raven Software QA team votes to form a union 19-3. ActiBlizz claim that 19 people should not get to make decisions for the entire studio. Not when the 10 members of the senior team could be making them instead.
  
• Taking a moment from hawking themselves on a street corner EA take a stand on debates around abortion and trans rights by refusing to take a stand as every point of view deserves to be included. Staff feeling impacted by the toxic environment are advised to take advantage of “healing circles” because apparently the infringement of your human rights can be solved by popping an Estus flask.
  

• Despite all efforts to the contrary Activision-Blizzard manage to release their first product of the year as Diablo Immortal hits mobile phones everywhere. Early fears that this may be a video game are soon put to rest as it is in fact revealed to be gambling. The release is swiftly banned in the Netherlands and Belgium for its use of lootboxes while further pay-to-win mechanics and aggressive monetization are widely criticised. Activision-Blizzard promise that they will listen to every complaint as long as it is delivered through their official feedback app at the cost of $5 per response.
  
• There may be a distinct drought of games but there is certainly an abundance of adverts as Summer Game Fest gets underway. However many of the big industry names stay low profile as Sony pin their hopes on another Resident Evil remake, Microsoft still refuse to put a release date on Silksong and Capcom announce a Dragon’s Dogma video. Instead the event is carried by the non-branded shows as Future of Games presents an ode to Vtubers, IGN bring rat boobs and robots watching truckers pee while PC Gaming Show drowns a puppy. Geoff Keighley is also here and he has so much loving space horror and the ever-reliable Devolver Digital are back to create a video game singularity. In all this mediocrity Nintendo miss a lay-up by not even bothering to show up leaving SquareEnix to win Keigh3 with the announcement of Final Fantasy VII Remake Part 2.
  
• In response to continued speculation about the company’s future plans SquareEnix declare the funds from the sale of their Western studios will not be used to create NFT games. The funds will be highly fungible, the funigblest in fact.
  
• In an attempt to maintain in-game realism players of the free-to-play vehicular combat multiplayer game War Thunder leak classified military documents thereby ensuring ever player will be driving a big black bar for the rest of the year.
  
• As Geoff Keighley nurses the hangover from his big summer blowout E3 confirms that the conference will return next year stating “Did you see that poo poo? We can’t let that happen again. There wasn’t even a dancing panda!”
  
• With many gamers now suffering from the gaming drought the hunt for a video game reaches a critical period. Hopes are high that Neon White will be a video game but after much searching it is unfortunately found to be a ketamine trip instead.
  
• Another exposé from Kotaku exposes major crunch at AAA studio. This time the focus is on ZeniMax and the production of Fallout ‘76 leading everyone to ask the same question, if everyone in the studio was crunching then why did the game still play like rear end?
  
• After 21 years at the company the creator of the Kinect, Alex Kipman, resigns from Microsoft after allegations are revealed that he watched VR porn during a company meeting. Just be glad he didn’t create the Wiimote.
  
• In notice of Kirby’s big trophy win the Grammy Awards announce that from next year they will be giving out a Best Score Soundtrack for Video Games and Other Interactive Media award. Still twenty three years late for Final Fantasy IX though dammit!
  
• With the acquisition of Activision-Blizzard drawing closer Microsoft agree a labor neutrality deal with the Communication Workers of America vowing that all former ActiBlizz staff will have full opportunities to collectively organise and when you make Microsoft look like the reasonable ones you know you hosed up bad.
  
• Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Mohammed Bin Salman, puts his hands back in his pockets as he invests $1 billion into Embracer Group. In related news the new Tomb Raider game will now be starring Larry Croft.
  
• Attempts to recognise Juneteenth in Halo come a cropper when someone at 343 Games adds a Pan-African emblem named after the Bonobo primate species because somehow it doesn’t come to mind that when you want to be respectful of Black people you shouldn’t loving call them monkeys.
  
• Finally, some good news for Activision-Blizzard as an inquiry by the thorough investigators at Activision-Blizzard clears Activision-Blizzard of all accusations in the sexual harassment case against Activision-Blizzard. Why even bother them suing with that kind of elite unbiased detective work!
  
• Following the formal dissolution of Roe vs. Wade by the US Supreme Court game companies quickly make their opposition known. Most vocal are XBox and Bungie who immediately pledge to cover the cost of all employee abortions and gender reassignment surgeries while EA, Bethesda and even Ubisoft state their support for reproductive rights because even when they think it’s ok to put your hands on a woman’s butt they still know you shouldn’t put your hands on her uterus.
  

75. Perfect Tides (Three Bees)
74. Blue Reflection: Second Light (Gust)
73. Resident Evil 2 (Capcom)
72. God of War (Santa Monica)
71. 13 Sentinels: Aegis Rim (Vanillaware)
70. Fortnite (Epic)
69. Harvestella (SquareEnix)
68. Final Fantasy VII Remake: Intergrade (SquareEnix)
67. Yakuza 0 (Ryu Ga Gotoku)
66. Total War: Warhammer III (The Creative Assembly)
65. Marvel Snap (Nuverse)
64. Last Call BBS (Zachtronics)
63. Apex Legends (Respawn)
62. Grounded (Obsidian)
61. Sifu (Sloclap)
60. Metroid Dread (MercurySteam)
59. I Was A Teenage Exocolonist (Northway)
58. Crystal Project (Andrew Willman)
57. Sonic Frontiers (Sonic Team)
56. Rogue Legacy 2 (Cellar Door)
55. Ghost of Tsushima (Sucker Punch)
54. Dark Souls (FromSoftware)
53. Victoria 3 (Paradox)
52. Rimworld (Ludeon)
51. Hardspace: Shipbreaker (Blackbird)
50. Gran Turismo 7 (Polyphony Digital)
49. Hollow Knight (Team Cherry)
48. Guilty Gear -Strive- (Arc System Works)
47. Dragon Quest XI: Echoes of an Elusive Age (SquareEnix)
46. PowerWash Simulator (FuturLab)
45. Tinykin (Splashteam)
44. Hitman 3 (IO)
43. Outer Wilds: Echoes of the Eye (Mobius Digital)
42. Bloodborne (FromSoftware)
41. Hades (Supergiant)
40. Slay the Spire (Mega Crit)
39. Death Stranding (Kojima Productions)
38. Marvel’s Midnight Suns (Firaxis)
37. The Case of the Golden Idol (Color Gray)
36. Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origins (Team Ninja)
35. Yakuza: Like A Dragon (Ryu Ga Gotoku)
34. Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous (Owlcat)
33. Immortality (Sam Barlow)
32. Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes (Intelligent Systems)
31. Tactics Ogre: Reborn (SquareEnix)
30. Norco (Geography of Robots)
29. Return to Monkey Island (Terrible Toybox)
28. The Great Ace Attorney Chronicles (Capcom)
27. Returnal (Housemarque)
26. Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice (FromSoftware)
25. Persona 5 Royal (Atlus)
24. Inscryption (Daniel Mullins)
23. Cyberpunk 2077 (CD Projekt Red)
22. Splatoon 3 (Nintendo)
21. Live-A-Live (SquareEnix)
20. Dwarf Fortress (Tarn and Zach Adams)
19. Signalis (rose-engine)
18. Neon White (Angel Matrix)
17. Disco Elysium (ZA/UM)
16. Monster Hunter Rise: Sunbreak (Capcom)
15. Stray (BlueTwelve)
14. Kirby and the Forgotten Land (HAL)
13. AI: The Somnium Files: nirvanA Initiative (Spike Chunsoft)
12. Citizen Sleeper (Jump Over The Age)
11. Tunic (Andrew Shouldice)
10. Pokémon Legends Arceus (Game Freak)
9. Final Fantasy XIV: Endwalker (SquareEnix)
8. God of War: Ragnarok (Santa Monica)
7. Pokémon Scarlet/Violet (Game Freak)
6. Horizon Forbidden West (Guerrilla)
5. Triangle Strategy (SquareEnix)
4. Xenoblade Chronicles 3 (Monolith)
3. Vampire Survivors (Poncle)
2. Pentiment (Obsidian)
1. Elden Ring (FromSoftware)

Rarity fucked around with this message at 00:10 on Jan 8, 2023