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In, please give me a genre.
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Jan 3, 2023 21:25
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| # ¿ May 14, 2024 10:42 |
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The Parable of the Fox and the Lions, 1510 words 1 Samuel 18-20 as British Horror Kids' Puppet TV Parody There once was an old, mean lion named Saul. Now Saul wasn’t just any old, mean, ugly lion. He was the oldest, meanest, ugliest of lions. But he was also the most important lion, which made him the king of the lions. And since Saul was the king of the lions, he was king of all beasts, no matter how much of a no-good, old, mean, ugly, bastard of a lion he was. But even no-good ugly bastards have children, and so did Saul. He had two daughters, Merab and Micah, and a son, Jonathan. And as is often the case with the children of absolute bastards, they were all pretty nice and kind people, most of the time. And Jonathan, well, he was as young, king, and handsome as his father was not, and everyone was quite eager for his dad to kick it and for Jonathan to take over as the king of the lions and all the other beasts. Forgive me, dear reader, because I need to introduce one more character as well. There was a fox named David, who was a clever and lucky little poo poo, and it seemed like he could dive into a mud pile and come out clean at the other end. He’d dance and whisper and smile and laugh, and everyone loved him for all the witty and charming things this clever little fox would say. Everyone but Old King Saul, that is, as the lion hated David’s guts. Everytime David would smile, Saul would frown, and every time David made people laugh, Saul would mutter grimly to himself. But a king doesn’t get to just do what they want, at least not for long without a visit from Madame Guillotine, so Saul couldn’t do much but growl to himself. And since Jonathan couldn’t be further from his father, he loved David. He really loved David. Do you understand what I mean, dear reader? It’s important to the story that we’re on the same page when I say Jonathan loved David. Got it? Good. One day, Saul decided he was going to get rid of David once and for all. And, just by chance, his daughter Micah came to Saul to confess that she had fallen madly and hopelessly in love with David and his witty, charming ways. Micah had expected her father to rage and snarl and pace his chambers in a fury, but instead he gave a soft and devious smile. “My dear daughter, my darling, do not worry,” he said in a calm and happy voice that put her fur on edge. “Your dear father has just the solution for your problem. Of course, it would be unheard of for a lion to marry a fox, but your father has just the trick. We’ll give David a challenge, and when that clever little fox overcomes it, then everyone will agree that he’s right to marry you. Go, fetch him, and bring your future husband before me.” Micah the lion, so elated that her father seemed to be taking the news so well, ran off without wondering why. Soon enough she fetched a confused David, and her brother Jonathan came along with them. They stood before Saul, who gave them a gracious bow. “David, you clever fox, you’re about to become my son in law! Yes, my dear boy, you’ll be a part of the family… once you take care of a single teeny tiny little obstacle. A formality, you see. I need you to bring me the unmentionables of 100 birds who’ve been harassing the beasts of my lands.” “Unmentionables, my lord?” asked David, as he tried to buy himself a little time to figure out what was going on. “Yes, unmentionables. Their family jewels, their most prized possessions, their hopes and dreams, their geldables… their cloacae.” “I see. Well, a hundred is a lot, so I best be off,” replied a still befuddled David, as he tried to figure out the trick, as he and Micah left. As soon as they left and only Jonathan was in the king’s hall, Saul howled with laughter so hard that his mane stuck out like bristle brushes. “Oh, this is too good! Too good! Don’t worry son, I won’t let that stupid little fox into our family, nor will he steal your throne, no matter how much everyone likes him. See, I have a plan - when he brings me one hundred unmentionables, my servants will sneak a handful away. Then, when he comes up short, I’ll have David executed for trying to trick me! Go on, son, but keep it a secret.” So, of course, Jonathan ran after David, and told him about the king’s plan. “You must make sure to have more than enough unmentionables, so that there’s no way you can come up short. I love you deeply, and I would hate for you to die.” “Ah, so that’s the king’s plan,” David replied, his cunning mind turning. “Thank you, Jonathan. I love you like a friend as well.” So David went out, and slaughtered 200 hundred birds, and made many feathered enemies, and left many winged widows and orphans. He piled up the unmentionables in the king’s hall, a great big bloody pile of nasty bits, enough to service all the brothels in Bird Town. When King Saul realized that no amount of sneaking and pocketing by his servants would be sufficient, he had no choice to let David marry Micah. Again, King Saul waited until he was alone with his son. “That drat fox fooled me, and stole my daughter’s hand in marriage! I’m ready to rip his throat out and tear him to shreds right now, in front of everyone!” “If you do that, it’ll be a scandal, and everyone will think you’ve gone mad,” Jonathan replied calmly. Like many children of terrible parents, he had learned how to be the angel on his father’s shoulder. “Send someone to watch where he sleeps tonight. Wait until it’s dark, and kill him in his bed.” As soon as his father agreed, Jonathan ran off to warn David. “My father is going to watch where you sleep tonight, and then come to kill you. You should leave the city now, and run away. I love you deeply, and I would hate for you to die.” “Thank you, Jonathan, I love you like a brother as well,” David replied. Please believe me, I assure you he is not an idiot. “But it’s my wedding night, and I won’t leave until I’ve done my husbandly duties.” So that night, David did as a groom is supposed to do on his wedding night. And once he was sure that Micah was satisfied and the lioness was deep asleep, he slipped out from her arms and replaced himself with a toy fox. And quickly, quietly, he snuck out the window and left for Raham. And just like Saul had promised, he snuck into his daughter’s house. He snatched the toy fox from his daughter’s arms, and bit out its throat, and tore the poor thing to shreds. All the while his daughter looked at him mystified as to why her father was in her room, covered with stuffing, and why he slinked out so disappointed. For two days, David was missing, and everyone noticed. After all, the fox was a charming creature, and everyone wanted to chat with him. But he was also married to the king’s daughter, so it was a bit strange he’d leave the lioness alone like that, especially right after getting married. With all the murmuring and whispering, it seemed like Saul had learned his lesson, and he would loudly announce how disappointed he was that David was missing. When the king whines, everyone listens, so eventually David heard about this. He started wondering if he had been tricked, and Jonathan was pulling a fast one on him. Maybe the lion prince didn’t actually like him, and just wanted him gone? So David sent Jonathan a message, asking him if it was safe. “Meet me at the archery range,” Jonathan wrote in his reply. So that night David waited hidden near the archery range. As soon as Jonathan arrived, he kissed him deeply. “I swear to you, my father wants to kill you. I love you deeply, and I would hate for you to die. Please, trust me, and leave this place.” “Ah,” David replied. “I get it now. Wow, I feel dumb. Talk about some missed signals. Jeez.” “Hey, don’t focus on that right now, this is a bible story,” Jonathan said. “Anyway, you gotta get out of here!” “Yeah, no, I get you. Just… man. This is a lot to process. Okay, well, I’ll talk to you later.” And David left for Nob… but that’s a different story for a different day. The moral of the story is, when somebody says they love you, they probably don’t mean it in a platonic way, and you should clarify what they mean.
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Jan 9, 2023 05:13
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I'm in
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Jan 10, 2023 13:50
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I'm opting in for the raffle.
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Jan 11, 2023 17:35
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The Veil of Veronica, 1938 words Theme: Treasure Hunt Setting: Medieval Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not telling you all of this out of vanity - after a century of eternal youth, you become accustomed to your face. No, the reason I told you all of that was to convey just how ridiculous it would be to suffer from a case of mistaken identity. And yet, here I was. Across from me sat a small and untrustworthy looking monk, his tonsure gleaming in the torch light of the tavern. He looked like a young, emaciated Jason Alexander. “Have you seen the brown dog walking?” he repeated in a conspiratorial tone and with an expectant look. Clearly this was some code phrase, inviting a response, but I had no part in this conspiracy. I stared at him blankly, hoping he would take the hint and go away. “Have you seen the brown dog walking?” The monk repeated for a third time as he leaned forward and placed a small bag on the table. He opened it slightly to let me see the glint of gemstones and jewels inside. “You’re praying at the wrong altar, friar,” I replied. “Go find some nun to bother, or perhaps a novice.” “God is present in all places,” he replied. “As is the Devil. Now please, humor me, I think you’ll find my offer quite appealing. Are you familiar with the Veil of Veronica?” “Tch. Relics - are you here to buy a splinter from the True Cross? Perhaps the Lord’s Holy Foreskin? I’ve seen four veils in my life, each supposedly bearing the Lord’s image. It seems that He must have been constantly mopped down as He walked to Calvary.” He ignored my blasphemies, and gently unrolled a piece of parchment. On it was a rough depiction of Dunnottar Castle, a fortress built on a headland surrounded by steep cliffs that plunged into the North Sea. It was connected to the mainland by a narrow path that led up to the guard house, but the parchment seemed to depict a secret dock that led to a second entrance, presumably to allow the king a quick escape if the castle came under siege. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I couldn’t ignore the twinge of excitement that I felt at the intrigue being placed before me. “Saint Ninian founded the chapel that would become Dunnottar Castle, but what was less well known was that the Saint had been given the real Veil of Veronica when he departed from Rome. He brought the Veil with him to Scotland and placed it for safekeeping in the crypt below. We ‘recover’ the veil, and I can bring it to Canterbury for a significant reward.” “I’m not particularly keen on stealing from a church,” I said. “It’s not stealing,” the monk replied as he pulled out a letter and placed it before me. “The archbishop has given me full privileges and authority, so I’m completely within my rights to invite you to help me. But it would just be a lot more neat and tidy if Clan Keith weren’t any the wiser about a sacred relic being removed from their castle, if you understand, especially since they’re unaware of its existence.” “I understand that your little letter won’t stop the Marischal from having our heads,” I replied with feigned cynicism, but my mind was already racing with the possibilities. There aren’t many opportunities for a woman like me to be invited into a holy place like that - who knows what mischief I could enact? I reached out and scooped up the bag of gems. “Fine, I’m in. What should I call you?” “Francis Varney,” he said, holding out his hand. “And you?” “Call me Ebony,” I replied as we shook hands on our new partnership. ~~~ We stood at the entrance to the chapel, looking in. I had easily guided Varney into the castle and past the few guards, pulling the shadows around us like a cloak in a piece of unnoticed magic. It had almost been too easy to infiltrate, but any overconfidence I had evaporated in the face of the sacred space in front of me. “Come on, get in here,” Varney hissed as he beckoned me into the nave. I took a deep breath and stepped forward. Immediately I felt little flares of heat just below my skin that itches almost unbearably, but nothing more. Between the invitation of the monk and the lack of any burning incense or whispered prayers, the air of the chapel was unpleasant but tolerable. I grimaced and followed Varney as he ducked down the stairs to the crypt. “Locked!” He whispered loudly, and I had to bite my tongue from telling him to speak normally or shut up. Instead, I reached forward and, hidden from his view, willed the lock to open itself. I held it up to him as if I had performed a magic trick. Which, in a way, I had. “You could have picked this lock with a bread knife,” I said as he pushed past me. “Then enjoy your easy money. According to the journal entry, it should be located in the tomb of the Unknown Martyr located… here!” Varney whispered as he pointed at the coffin recessed in the walls. I stepped forward and helped him pull the coffin out, and without thinking I lifted up the lid. It landed with a resounding thud indicative of its massive weight - far too much for a woman to easily lift with one hand. I shot a quick glance at Varney, but if he had noticed my mistake he gave no sign. Instead, he seemed to be entranced with the contents of the coffin. There was a body, surprisingly enough, covered with grave goods - weapons and jewelry, that sort of thing. But at their lap, gently held in their dead hands, was the folded veil. Varney seemed to be hesitant to touch the dead body, so I gently pried it loose, dusted it off, and handed it to him after a moment of turning it over in my hands to inspect it. “Come on, let’s get out of here,” I said, and turned to leave the crypt. But Varney didn’t follow. I turned back to see him holding a crucifix in one hand, the veil in the other. Instinctively I stepped back and hissed at him, my fangs bared, but the monk wasn’t intimidated. He held the crucifix high and smiled arrogantly. “Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, for your crimes against God, I condemn you. In the name of the Holy Father, I banish you from grace!” All at once, the itching points of heat just underneath my skin exploded into flames. I howled as my body burned, and against my will I took my true form. Long black wings sprouted painfully from my back, jagged horns pierced the skin of my forehead, and my hands and feet twisted into bestial claws. I screamed and turned, bounding out of the chapel and taking flight into the cool night air. Behind me I heard startled yells from the guards, but they quickly faded as I flew over the castle walls. I dived into the roiling tide of the North Sea, extinguishing my flaming body and disappearing into the dark waters. ~~~ My sister is named Ivory Shadow Misery Raven Way, due to her beautiful pale skin, and she looks remarkably like me with a few key differences. Her hair is streaked with blue and silver, and her eyes were like green glass. She most resembled Courtney Cox if she was an intolerable bitch all the time. Even now, as she smiled at her eagerly awaited prize, she looked like she had just smelled something nasty. Francis Varney stepped forward and knelt down before her in a ridiculous display of pomposity. He held up the folded veil as an offering, and my sister Ivory could barely conceal her eagerness - but not so much that she wouldn’t spend a moment gloating. “Finally! Finally! With the Veil of Veronica in hand, I possess the blood of Christ Himself! All of vampiredom will hail me as their queen!” With trembling fingers she unwrapped the veil to reveal… a dirty gray dishrag, like any you’d see in the hands of a maid. With lightning quickness, she snatched Varney by the throat and held him high in the air, his short legs kicking below him. “Where is the veil, Francis?” She hissed with a terrible fury. “Oh, Ivory, don’t tell me you’ve taken to stealing relics?” I said, stepping out into the open. “Really now, it’s below you to be plundering crypts like this.” I stood there, a scant few feet away, a smug look across my face. “Ebony! You… you… you BITCH!” Ivory shrieked. She let go of Varney and he collapsed in a pile at her feet. “You’re supposed to be dead! I’m supposed to have the veil! My plan was perfect. What did you do?” “My darling sister, I must admit, you really do have me figured,” I said as I examined my nails with mock indifference. “You knew I could never resist an intriguing mystery like this. My goodness, mistaken identity, conspiracies, some convoluted shenanigans, breaking and entering, knowing you had to be involved but not sure how… there was only one mistake.” “Spit it out, Ebony,” Ivory snarled. “I don’t trust priests, sister. As soon as I had the veil I switched it out and never gave Varney the real one. You really had me fooled though, I didn’t expect the double cross. But, sweetie, I’m not a newly turned childe anymore. It would take more than a faithless priest and an empty chapel to kill me.” I pulled out the folded veil from my pocket and held it up for her to see. I could see the insults, threats, and screams work their way across her face, only to be bit back down before they left her tongue. After a long moment, she managed to mutter through gritted teeth, “What do you want?” I smiled, and tossed the veil to her. “Nothing, dear sister. It’s a fake. By the dark one, did you really think the Veil of Veronica, stained with the sweat and blood of the Lord, would just happen to be moldering in some forgotten Scottish crypt? Don’t be childish.” Ivory tore open the package and furiously sniffed the fabric, only for her shoulders to sink as she realized I was telling the truth. She slumped in a pile next to Varney, defeated. I strode forward, the click clack of my heels echoing across the floors, and squatted down to give her a gentle comforting pat on the back. “Ah, darling, don’t give up. You were so close! It was not your fault, you couldn't know for sure. Besides, it was good to see you again.” When she didn’t say anything, I stood up and shrugged. “Tell Daddy I said hi if you see him. Goodbye, Varney, it was nice meeting you. Make sure my sister eats someone, will you? Lovely.” And then I turned, and disappeared into the deep dark blackness of the moonless night. I am Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, and I would never be bested in a battle of wits.
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Jan 16, 2023 05:50
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In, double flash me please
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Jan 17, 2023 19:58
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| # ¿ May 14, 2024 10:42 |
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I'm in, give me a cool picture.
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Mar 7, 2023 17:09
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