|
I was at this tv and film convention in London probably about 2006. One of the guests was Tom Baker from Dr Who who my friend was a big fan of. At one point we saw him walking around the convention floor just hanging out and my friend approached him to say hello. Before he could even get any words out Baker sternly and loudly demanded “DO NOT TALK TO ME” I thought wow how loving rude. Anyway, I had a fart brewing so I went up there myself, pretended I was looking at all the Dark Knight poo poo they had on display and ripped a huge fart on Dr Who.
|
#
?
Jan 18, 2023 09:49
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 6, 2024 03:19 |
|
|
Around a decade ago I was heading to work having eaten a particularly spicy garlicky curry the night before. The initial part of the commute was just me in the car, so I knew that there was trouble-a-brewing as I headed down the motorway in a miasma of 'silent but violent' farty stank. A short while later I was sitting on an Underground train heading for Central London. I got on at the end of the line so the train wasn't too crowded initially. A few stops in and a woman in her 30's sat opposite me. The doors closed and at that moment my rear end decided to commit a war crime. Another 'silent but violent', as I copped the first waft I knew this was going to be problematic for my fellow passengers. The full alphabet of vitamins were dancing in the air. I watched the woman opposite me and could pinpoint the moment her nostrils first caught a niff. The swift progression of differing emotions on her face - Curiosity to Disgust via Horror and Fear was an absolute picture. Any chance of hiding that I was the one responsible was gone by my shuddering with barely contained laughter. She got up and got off at the next stop.
|
|
#
?
Jan 18, 2023 10:04
|
|
|
I've told this one before, but I used to work in maintenance. It was the beginning of summer and my coworker and I were working on remodeling a vacant apartment. I had just rehabbed and gotten the evaporative cooler going on the roof because it was getting hot and I didn't want to be sweating my taint off while working in the apartment. The place was just about finished and I was sitting cross-legged on the floor installing a transition in between the living room and bathroom. Suddenly, a deep gurgling fell upon my gut from the gas station steak and cheese taquitos I had for lunch and I started violently inflating with gas. I barely had any time to lift up a cheek before the effluvium tempestuously erupted from my buttocks that were pressed against the second floor hollow flooring, acting like a cursed soundboard and amplifying the sound from studio apartment to Carnegie Hall. The sound was best described as a long and healthy trombone blast as the player slowly pulls the slide out to lower the pitch, only this trombone was filled with tapioca pudding and meat chunks. My fart had its own doppler effect going on from a fixed location. As soon as the last of the offensive air left my GI tract and the place fell deathly silent, in walks the coordinator looking for the boss. He stops dead in his tracks, his nose starts convulsing from one nostril to the other, and he tells me, "I see you finally got the cooler going. Well, this cooler fuckin' STINKS." My coworker and I lost it, and the coordinator didn't know what was so funny.
|
|
#
?
Jan 18, 2023 22:38
|
|
|
That's not really funny, honestly.
|
|
#
?
Jan 19, 2023 07:11
|
|
|
Once one of my roommates in a house of 6 farted and it smelled like he took a poo poo right on the floor. it stuck around so long that we eventually couldn't stand it any longer and just left and went to a bar
|
|
#
?
Jan 19, 2023 07:30
|
|
|
I can say I’ve blasted out a few that sounded like Donald Duck making angry noises.
|
|
#
?
Jan 19, 2023 08:58
|
|
|
stinky ox posted:one morning I was lying on my back in bed and let out a fart and through vagaries of position and pressure for some reason my arse cheeks clapped really slowly, like "bap... bap... bap... bap..." slow motion rear end-clappers prove god is real and loves us.
|
|
#
?
Jan 19, 2023 09:21
|
|
|
Costco Meatballs posted:The Airport Walkway this was a good joke and nobody appreciated it
|
|
#
?
Jan 19, 2023 23:01
|
|
|
I fart and burp directly into the toilet, where only God can hear me.
|
|
#
?
Jan 19, 2023 23:15
|
|
|
Last night, standing at the brewery urinal, loudly as someone just so happened to be exiting the stall at that moment.
|
|
#
?
Jan 19, 2023 23:16
|
|
|
This is the GOAT and a good lesson in why we should all video all of our farts
|
|
#
?
Jan 20, 2023 06:46
|
|
probably
|
when i was a kid my dad took me on a surprise trip to a really tall tv transmitter mast (emley moor, west yorkshire, looks a bit like barad-dûr and was for a long time the tallest free-standing structure in europe at 1047 feet). he knew a guy who was one of the engineers there who arranged for me, my dad and a bunch of my dad's friends to go on a tour of the place which they didn't normally do. one of the fun facts he told us was that the lift took 11 minutes to get to the top of the tower. so anyway as soon as the lift started moving i let out a massive fart into the small confined space and tried to idiotically say it wasn't me and that was the thing that everyone remembers about that trip now
|
|
#
?
Jan 20, 2023 21:17
|
|
|
I have a lot of good fart stories I’d need a minute to actually type up. In lieu of that, I wanna mention this one dude I was really good friends with in my early 20s. Every single time he burped it smelled like he just farted. Absolutely vile. I have no idea what was going on with his stomach micro biome.
|
|
#
?
Jan 20, 2023 22:12
|
|
|
Lt. Cock posted:I have a lot of good fart stories I’d need a minute to actually type up. In lieu of that, I wanna mention this one dude I was really good friends with in my early 20s. Every single time he burped it smelled like he just farted. Absolutely vile. I have no idea what was going on with his stomach micro biome. He was eating a lot of rear end op
|
|
#
?
Jan 20, 2023 22:17
|
|
|
BAGS FLY AT NOON posted:He was eating a lot of rear end op 
|
|
#
?
Jan 21, 2023 02:53
|
|
|
Laying here in the dark, swinging my small child to sleep in their sensory swing, reading this thread and tears are cascading down my face as I try not to laugh out loud. GodDAMN these are funny
|
|
#
?
Jan 21, 2023 03:36
|
|
|
The best are when you have a ton of pressure that’s been building up for a while and when you finally release, you get a big gush of air followed by a full hot colon evacuation into MeUndies. MeUndies will keep that dump right where it belongs with no leakage down your legs. Use offer code GOON20 to save 20% off your first order of MeUndies. Nothing holds a dump like MeUndies.
|
|
#
?
Jan 22, 2023 20:33
|
|
|
https://www.nzherald.co.nz/world/ho...A7GICYEPCJ7HT4/nz herald posted:A UK man has been sentenced after deliberately farting in the face of a police officer after he was asked to bend over during a strip search.
|
|
#
?
Jan 22, 2023 22:24
|
|
|
yass on yerself son, get the polis telt
|
|
#
?
Jan 22, 2023 22:26
|
|
|
imagine farting in a police mans face though. well worth 75 hours of community service.
|
|
#
?
Jan 22, 2023 22:27
|
|
|
Lt. Cock posted:My little brother liked to sneak up on people, press his butt cheeks up against theirs, and fart as hard as humanly possible. Believe me when I say he can fart hard as gently caress. It is the most profoundly violating experience I’ve ever felt. It made my ex girlfriend cry. I’ve never met a single other person who has thought to do this or had it done to them. We call this one the fart transplant. Haven't seen it done in decades
|
|
#
?
Jan 22, 2023 22:55
|
|
|
Snow camping trip. We built a snow cave thing. Friend was ranger/mountaineer. It was big enough for the 4 of us to sit in, cook, play cards, but only room enough for two of us to sleep. The other guys slept out in a tent. Anyways, something we ate, dehydrated food, cheese, salami; I don't know. I just started ripping them though. They were contained to the sleeping bag at first, but for a short while I was farting every 30 seconds for like 5 minutes. Middle of the night and the friend in there was all, "jesus christ" Then he started farting. Stinkiest snow cave ever.
|
|
#
?
Jan 23, 2023 01:01
|
|
|
once I farted in class and it smelled so bad that the teacher lit a candle and asked whoever farted to please see a doctor
|
|
#
?
Jan 23, 2023 01:10
|
|
|
another time I farted and poo poo my pants
|
|
#
?
Jan 23, 2023 01:13
|
|
|
Gassed myself in a small and exceedingly well insulated hotel room with beer and Bundaberg farts. I woke up in the middle of the night gasping for air and had to open the window.
|
|
#
?
Jan 23, 2023 01:26
|
|
|
Was working in a pub when I was young on the bar once and a local called Dave, at his 50th, surrounded by all his friends and family, cheekily cocked a leg and tried to fart as the punchline of a one-liner fart gag sort of thing, but completely misjudged it and then fully, loudly and massively poo poo his pants in front of everyone out of nowhere. Clearly he'd previously had gut distress and got his safety margin totally wrong after multiple pints of Guinness while trying to hit on nineteen. Had to chuck out the barstool and he had to pay the owner like £200 for cleaning as I recall. It was absolutely wretchedly disgusting and I was gagging in between laughing fit to piss myself. His face turned from mirthful glee to absolute horror in half a second. Never seen anything like it before or since. A CRAB IRL fucked around with this message at 01:36 on Jan 23, 2023 |
|
#
?
Jan 23, 2023 01:31
|
|
|
In the engineroom of a submarine there's a lil room where a handful of angry, bored nerds sit and stare at panels to make sure that the reactor is not, to use the technical term, going fucky. The room is enclosed to keep them safe if a steampipe breaks in the engineroom, and the doors have to be kept shut. You also have to request permission to enter eg "request permission to enter for brief" or "request permission to enter for tags" etc. Well, the engineroom is a noisy place, and it's really easy to mistake "request permission to enter and discuss" with "request permission to enter and disgust" Anyway that's the story of how I got a counseling chit for making several highly trained men sit in a cloud of my rear end gas lmao
|
|
#
?
Jan 23, 2023 01:58
|
|
|
I have farted myself awake on more than one occasion. It's a very confusing experience
|
|
#
?
Jan 23, 2023 02:10
|
|
|
Real talk, I was in college in an Italian class and just straight up ripped a massive fart out of nowhere. I didn’t even mean to let it out but it just did. I just kind of looked around and knew there was no denying it to 20 other people and was like “welp, sorry. I don’t know why that happened”. The girl who sat behind me was friendly with me in general and we had talked a few times so I was like “ayup, I guess sorry” and she got to bask in it for a minute or two.
|
|
#
?
Jan 23, 2023 02:14
|
|
|
Every one where I don’t inadvertently poo poo myself is tied.
|
|
#
?
Jan 23, 2023 02:25
|
|
|
convinced a friend that a motorcycle drove by. proudest moment of my life.
|
|
#
?
Jan 23, 2023 02:40
|
|
|
One time my buddy Dustin occupied himself at an overnight LAN party by opening up a half full Gatorade bottle and farting into over and over. Like ten hours of farting into this bottle. At some point in the late night the host got fed up the two of them got into a tug of war over the bottle. Ten hours of fart infused Gatorade ended up spilling all over both of them. It was like a lemon lime fart cologne. Like getting skunked by electrolytes. Bad enough to clear the room and send everyone running whenever they got near.
|
|
#
?
Jan 23, 2023 02:40
|
|
|
girlfriend as my witness i was walking and ripped rear end and the echo was just the right frequency to set off a car alarm across the street
|
|
#
?
Jan 23, 2023 02:42
|
|
|
Regarding the car farts, I ripped one into my car's seat right as I pulled in one evening after coming home from work, didn't think much of it until I got in the next morning. As soon as I sat back down on the seat the stink wafted up to greet me, having stewed in the seat cushion all night.
|
|
#
?
Jan 23, 2023 02:49
|
|
|
It’s insane when you lie in bed all morning ripping rear end then take the covers off and the accumulated ripped rear end washes over you like an angry sea
|
|
#
?
Jan 23, 2023 02:51
|
|
|
the shart
|
|
#
?
Jan 23, 2023 02:54
|
|
|
Farting against a door or shower wall is a pro move whoever suggested that deserves an award. I had to poo real bad but the bathroom was occupied and after I took a risk and farted against the bathroom door the person in there was so horrified by it they stopped shaving and let me use the bathroom. My best fart made someone throw up but it wasn't anything special as far as noise/volume goes.
|
|
#
?
Jan 23, 2023 03:04
|
|
|
Toxic Mental posted:Real talk, I was in college in an Italian class and just straight up ripped a massive fart out of nowhere. I didn’t even mean to let it out but it just did. I just kind of looked around and knew there was no denying it to 20 other people and was like “welp, sorry. I don’t know why that happened”. The girl who sat behind me was friendly with me in general and we had talked a few times so I was like “ayup, I guess sorry” and she got to bask in it for a minute or two. mi scusi
|
|
#
?
Jan 23, 2023 03:10
|
|
|
Bean farts are pretty powerful , but nothing more powerful than Papa John's pizza farts for me
|
|
#
?
Jan 23, 2023 03:36
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 6, 2024 03:19 |
|
|
Hollismason posted:Bean farts are pretty powerful , but nothing more powerful than Papa John's pizza farts for me Musta been the ‘chovies. 
|
|
#
?
Jan 23, 2023 03:44
|
|