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MMA is a wild sport. Thousands of people choose to fist fight each other, usually for less money than two weeks at a minimum wage job, all in the hopes of someday possibly achieving the impossible and becoming a world champion, and earning the equivalent of a year’s salary at a minimum wage job in a single night. Then there are the people who seem to “fight” in the loosest sense of the word. The folks that go out there and lose, lose, lose, and lose some more. Double-digit, half-decade plus losing streaks. And usually, these people aren’t grinding out decisions that just don’t go their way. These people show up for about 90 seconds worth of work, tapping out or just laying limply as ground and pound rains down upon them, then it’s back at it again in a few weeks. Currently, there is no grand compendium of these professional losers, until now. I’m not a computer whiz. I’m ok at spreadsheets, and that’s about it. I know nothing of creating a script to scrape a database (Frankly, it sounds untowards and rude to the database). All of this is done by hand, artisanal style. Most of these Dust Men are stumbled upon by looking up people for my B-League previews. Someone has a 1-40 guy on the record, and often enough, that leads to more Dust Men as I follow the rabbit hole. Because if you’ve faced one terrible fighter on your come up, chances are you’ve faced a few more. Also, as a side note, this compendium has begun to serve a secondary purpose. Travis Fulton fought a lot of these dudes, often several times. I mean, it makes sense, you don’t rack up over 200 victories in MMA fighting every other weekend by taking on regular competition, you’ve got to throw in a few cupcakes on the schedule. Am I going to argue that most of these victories should be expunged from Fulton’s record? No, that sounds like even more work. I just want to point out that the dead, racist, sex criminal sucks in a few other ways, too. Criteria of A Dust Man Most Dust Men are bad. Real bad. Stinkably bad. 75% loss rate bad. Wins can be counted on a sloppy machinist’s hand kind of bad. You can usually spot a Dust Man because they’re something like 2-17, with 12 first round losses in a row, and their last win came against a debuting fighter who never competed again. Obviously, there’s a bit of leeway when it comes to strict definitions. It’s not quite “I know it when I see it”, but it’s close. Most Dust Men don’t require too much thought of if they are or aren’t terrible losers, the record speaks loudly enough. Matt “The Wolfman” Albright  Record: 3-25 - 0.107 Streak: 2 Last Win: April 21, 2007 Notes: Albright’s Tapology page is weird as hell. He’s got an amateur record that runs from 06 - 07, and his pro career is 02 - 07. A picture of the man, let alone fight footage, seems impossible to come by. Did Matt “The Wolfman” Albright ever exist? Do any of us really exist? What does it mean to exist? Are we matter, flesh and blood, cells, atoms, protons, neutrons, and electrons? Or are we simply the ephemeral dreamstuff of a fitfully slumbering Titan, and what happens when it wakes? God drat you, Matt “Wolfman” Albright, for making me question reality because nobody has ever seen you get your rear end kicked! Best Names: Wes Love, Billy Blish Did He Fight Travis Fulton: At 0-7 when Travis was 156-42 Mark Aldridge  Record: 3-27 - 0.100 Streak: 15 Last Win: May 21, 2011 Notes: According to commentary on one fight, Aldridge has taken fights from featherweight to middleweight, so imagine if Kenny Florian was dogshit. I watched two of his bouts, one when he was just 1-2, and one of his last fights. In both, he easily got taken down, had his guard sliced to ribbons, and punched until the fight was stopped. He’s got classic British lack of wrestling, which is impressive when other British are the ones making you look worthless on the ground. Best Names: Jish Iley, Pietro Menga, Venceslau Rangel, Zi Shah Craig Allen  Record: 5-53 - 0.086 Current Streak: 6 Last Win: March 10, 2018 Notes: Craig Allen, at 5-48 fought for a regional UK title, because LOL. He mostly gets taken down quickly and shows no ability to defend against the evil witchcraft known as grappling, then submits. Again, when British grapplers are making you look incompetent, you know things have gone horribly wrong. Send these numpties to the Snakepit in Wigan to learn a proper grobbit what to keep em of their backs, unlike their lager-besotted mums. Best Names: Danny Withington, Tolly Plested, Wesley Murch, Ben Deller Smith, Zi Shah, Ian Skivington, Leigh Cohoon Kenneth Allen  Record: 1-43 - 0.022 Current Streak: 15 Last Win: July 15, 2006 Notes: Allen is apparently a 5’8” welterweight, which isn’t an ideal recipe for success. The picture on Tapology doesn’t look like the guy in the YouTube videos I’ve seen, so I’m a little concerned there’s some kind of trickeration going on. One fight even had him announced with more than one win, so I’m very lost. Will the real Kenneth Allen please stand up? gently caress’s sake, I’m going to have another crisis of existence like the Matt Albright debacle again because these jobbers are all the same guy using different names, or different guys using the same name, or I don’t know what. Best Names: Rhomez Brower, Tom Hruby, Sam Jackson Robert Bennett  Record: 1-11 - 0.083 Streak: 7 Last Win: June 8, 2013 Notes: In the two fights of Bennett’s that I watched, he gets floored very easily. He has some attempts at a guard game, putting his feet on the opponent’s hips, looking to control the wrists, but he doesn’t do anything of note. In one fight, Poor Bob gives up his back after some perfunctory ground and pound and easily submits to a choke. In the other, he just gets pounded out with ease. Best Names: Michael Cockerham, Eric Slocum Scott “Lionheart” Blevins  Record: 0-17 - 0.000 Notes: Scott is an amazing lens into the power of delusion. In the fights I’ve seen (And based on his record, this holds for all of his fights), Blevins swings wildly, falls over, turtles up and gets punched or tapped out, usually under 60 seconds. He’s done this 17 times in a row, and he still has a few callout videos proclaiming himself to be the “UFC Underdog”, and asking for rematches against guys that trounced him easily, or sometimes just calling out actual (At the time) UFC fighters like Spencer Fisher and Miguel Torres for various perceived slights. Trust me, Scott, if 2-1 Jeff Jenkins could handle you, an actual professional fighter who’s actually good would have done a literal war crime to you. Best Names: Robert Mondloch, Braxton Shirar, Lucas Staehler Blake “The Punisher” Breitsprecher  Record: 3-14 - 0.176 Streak: 5 Last Win: March 9, 2013 Notes: Breitsprecher is another guy with an official record that deviates wildly from what gets announced on the grainy, 240p videos of his fights uploaded 15 years ago. In one such bout, he was listed as a champion of multiple organizations, boasting a 20-12 record. In that fight, a loss to Rakim Cleveland, Blake threw slapping leg kicks, tried some spinning body kicks, and showed decent takedowns. He got caught in some submissions, and was ultimately finished by giving up his back and tapping out after absorbing 4 punches. There’s also a video of him singing the National Anthem before an event in Iowa, so Blake “The Punisher” Breitsprecher is a multi-faceted individual, it’s just that one facet (fighting other men for money) is terrible, and the other (an ok singing voice) isn’t good enough to pay the bills. Best Names: Chuck Parmelee, Roy Jones Did He He Fight Travis Fulton: At 0-0, when Fulton was 242-46, then twice more in boxing, plus again in MMA, at 3-10, with Fulton at 251-50 (3 years from their first fight) C is for Crappy Will “Carnage” Cairns  Record: 1-46 (5 ineligible), 3-43 Amateur - 0.021 Current Losing Streak: 5 Last Win: February 22, 2020 Notes: Will Cairns gets called “very experienced” in all his fights, yet his record is never discussed. Curious. He loves nothing more than to throw winging haymakers, get taken down, and smashed on the ground. Whether it’s a no-hooks RNC or tepid ground and pound, Will Cairns will tap out to anyone’s offense, guaranteed or your money back! Best Names: Bane Dundavan, Dan Tempest, Josh Leet, James Huck, Dru Oakes, Jazz Singh, Tommy Gunn, Kevin Fryer, Kams Ekpo, Dan Gibbon, Onur Caglar, Nigel Whitear, Rico Franco, Kimbo Tinghaugen, Festus Ahorlu, Iss Kurdi Melville Calabaca  Record: 2-9 - 0.181 Streak: 2 Last Win: September 30, 2005 Notes: Melville is an early borderline case. While 2-9 is a bad record, is it truly indicative of a true chump? Perhaps, but when one-third of your losses have come inside a minute, I think that’s more than enough proof. Also, of course there’s no footage of this guy. Best Names: Tony Zamora, Brian Bourgeois, Ron Rumpf Jason “The Troll” Carrier  Record: 2-14 - 0.125 Streak: 7 Last Win: July 23, 2011 Notes: Fighting “troll style” seems to entail swinging wide and wild hooks, never connecting, and then wilting under the slightest bit of return fire. Best Names: Paul Compton, Tyrelle Olding, Cornelius Godfrey, Dillard Pegg Jeff Carstens  Record: 8-25 - 0.242 Streak: 5 Last Win: January 15, 2011 Notes: I feel bad for Jeff Carstens. He seems to have been a punching bag for some of the Midwest’s most notable names. He met Clay Guida at 1-4, when Guida was 16-3, which is just criminal matchmaking. He faced a 1-0 Tyron Woodley at 6-17, and he faced 10-0 Joe Ellenberger at 8-20. Just an atrocious time for Jeff. Buy Jeff a soda if you see him and tell him it’s ok, the bad men can’t hurt him any more. Best Names: Ryan Peacock, Adam G, John Rite, Mike Wunderlich, Billy Armstrong, Will Shutt, Jaxson Mason Ron “The Savage” Carter  Record: 4-18 - 0.181 Streak: 8 Last Win: April 13, 2012 Notes: Ron Carter fights out of Team Grandma Shirley. I wish he was better than he was just for that factoid, but sadly, he’s not very good. It’s more of the same, takedown, some ground and pound, and then a submission. Another day, another literal dollar earned. Best Names: Daryl Wise, Tristan Yunker, Anton Talamantes, Andenilson Clementino, Danny Surface Chris Clark  Record: 7-30 - 0.189 Streak: 7 Last Win: December 7, 2007 Notes: The only footage I found of Chris Clark that matches up against someone on his Tapology page was facing a 1-0 Brett Rogers when Clark was 3-13. Needless to say, Clark got punched very hard in the head in a short contest. Best Names: Token Bell, Cory Walmsley, Jade Link, Mike Block, Eric Tix, Karl Knothe, Jay Schnitzmeyer, Andy Montana, Greg Hammer, Otis Funk, Sean Threefingers, Shane DeZee Did He Fight Travis Fulton: At 2-8 when Fulton was 171-43, at 3-12 when Fulton was 176-43 (7 months apart) Andy “The Immortal” Cona  Record: 5-35 - 0.125 Streak: 1 (Win) Last Win: October 26, 2019 Notes: Cona at one point said he fights for his daughter, and while that’s admirable, maybe his daughter should have some humanity and tell her dad to hang up the gloves. Anyway, Andy has the classic “lie back and think of England” grappling style which sees him hold desperately to a headlock at all costs. This basically never works. Best Names: Ash Davis, Jamie Crisp, Kyle Redfearn, Ashley-James Clive Bridgeman, Jamaine Facey, Lewis Monarch, Stuart Gooch, Galip Koc, Colin Wilby Nic Cox  Record: 1-12 - 0.076 Streak: 8 Last Win: April 6, 2013 Notes: I found one of Nic’s fights, and it’s just his opponent, Jordan Neer’s friends and family screaming at Jordan to beat Nic’s bitch rear end the gently caress up. He does, easily, inside of one minute. Thank you for blowing out my eardrums, Jordan’s friends and family. Best Names: Dennis Deaver, Stoney Stuart Anderson Cruz  Record: 3-12 - 0.200 Streak: 7 Last Win: August 18, 2012 Notes: It is a shameful thing to find a Brazilian who has no ground game. Anderson looks utterly lost on the floor, simply sticking his arms out to try and create distance or desperate body clinching. Best Names: Eduardo Wellington, Rizvan Zhantcaev D is for Dreadful Jeremiah Davenport  Record: 0-11 - 0.000 Notes: There is footage of someone named Jeremiah Davenport, but his fights don’t match up with anyone this specific Jeremiah Davenport has on record. Fun stuff! Best Names: Darnell Davis, Mike Sixel, Billy Kidd Stuart Davies  Record: 8-26 - 0.235 Streak: 15 Last Win: August 7, 2011 Notes: I’m not sure what happened to Stuart Davies. At one point in his career, he was a respectable 6-3, and after some rocky times, was 8-11. Then he lost 15 straight fights, absolutely cementing him in Dustman status. Did he lose the will to try? Is he depressed? He lost an interim title fight to a guy who has a win by Chest Smother on his record. Maybe someone should have done a wellness check on Stuart Davies 10 years ago. Best Names: Ross Mould, Nathan Beer, Dale Hardiman, Wesley Murch Dragan Dragojevi  Record: 1-11 (1-11 boxing) - 0.083 Streak: 8 (MMA), 1 (Boxing) Last Win: July 28, 2017 (MMA) Notes: This guy is bad at boxing and MMA, and it might be because his standup consists of shelling up in fear at every exchange. Best Names: Claudio Squeo E is for Embarrassing Franklin Chancelor Edmonson  Record: 2-17 - 0.105 Streak: 5 Last Win: June 11, 2011 Notes: This dude is named Franklin Chancellor Edmonson and he decided to become a cage fighter. That’s just bad life planning. With that kind of name, he should have become an investment firm. Best Names: Jerry Barron, Albert Stainbeck, Tim Stout, Jason Coomer, Courage Tshabalala Jason Ehresmann  Record: 6-24 - 0.200 Streak: 6 Last Win: October 15, 2011 Notes: Ehresmann has one of my favorite moments in Dustman Lore, lying about your record to a regional organization. Of his fights that I watched, he’s shown a predilection for jumping guillotines, failing, and getting pummeled. Best Names: Chris Descourouez, Justin Reason, Cameron Schrempp, Chuck Parmelee Jay Ellis  Record: 16-107 (0-5 boxing, 0-1 Muay Thai) - 0.130 Current Streak: 10 Last Win: November 5, 2021 Notes: It’s said you learn more from a loss than a win. Jay Ellis must be the most knowledgeable fighter of all time. Apparently none of that information is actually applicable to fighting, since Jay keeps catching Ls. I mean, his name is Jay L is, Jay is Ls. Talk about nominative determinism. Best Names: Andy Normington, Mike Stumpf, Caleb Krull, James Warfield-Lane, Bobby Reardanz Gary Ellison  Record: 0-10 (2 Ineligible) - 0.000 Notes: I discovered two great moments in Ellison’s fight history. There was one fight when he was announced as Will Cairns, though the on-screen graphic and YouTube title list it as a “Garry Ellison” fight. Second is one bout when he took a low kick, fell down, took one hammerfist, but the opponent backed off, and Gary looked confused that the fight was going to continue. It lasted about thirty more seconds, but Gary really thought the fight was supposed to be over once his back hit the canvas. The old “This fight is going to be three hits. You hit me, I hit the floor, you hit me one more time to finish me off”, but it didn’t go exactly to plan for Gary. Best Names: Erol Raif, Jordan Stronge, David Relph Chris Ensley  Record: 6-46 - 0.115 Streak: 18 Last Win: May 30, 2014 Notes: One fight saw Ensley announced as being 42-38. The lies. The lies! His fighting style is to bounce on his toes and throw the world’s slowest kicks. Somehow this has not worked for him. Best Names: Jake Albinio, Sterling Ford, Dave Courchaine, Jessee Gengler Brad Evans  Record: 3-17 - 0.150 Streak: 5 Last Win: August 3, 2019 Notes: I’ll say this for Evans, he doesn’t instantly give up and go limp when ground and pound starts raining down. There was even one fight when he escaped and got back to his feet, if only briefly. Best Names: Ash Williams, Reece Street, Decky Dalton Ty Evans  Record: 0-12 - 0.000 Notes: I’m not sure how this happened, mostly because I refuse to watch this particular fight, but after losing 9 straight in the first round, his most recent bout went the full 15 minutes. Congrats on the perseverance, Ty! Best Names: Baraq Hunter, Willis Boudoin F is for Failure Washington “Gigante” Ferreira  Record: 2-10 - 0.167 Streak: 3 Last Win: May 20, 2010 Notes: Strange, but there’s no footage of a guy who got his rear end kicked on the Brazilian regional scene in the mid-2000s. Maybe Chael Sonnen was right and Brazil really doesn’t have internet. Best Names: Junior Fofinho, Corcino Troglo Bobby “The Bully” Ferrier  Record: 9-27 - 0.250 Streak: 8 Last Win: December 31, 2012 Notes: In one of Bobby’s most recent bouts, the commentators noted that he hadn’t had time to train regularly, so he was out of shape, but hey, the fight was some extra cash. At least we’ve finally got some honesty for a Dustman. Best Names: Cody Pasquale, Jake Grabowski, Jos Eichelberger, Brett Shoenfelt, Randy Kittleson Kris Fleurestil  Record: 1-14 - 0.067 Streak: 13 Last Win: October 7, 2006 Notes: There appears to be no footage of Fleurestil in action, sadly not even against Shonie Carter. Best Names: Daniel Wanderley, Russ Janca, Brent Mehrhoff Martin Fouda  Record: 5-20 - 0.200 Streak: 9 Last Win: August 3, 2019 Notes: Fouda’s a rare breed of Dustman in that all his wins and a fair number of losses are by decision. Granted, his last four have all ended in the first round, but he’s not always instantly crumbling. Of course, the fights I did watch that’s what happened, because I’m not a complete masochist, I’m not watching a Dustman’s decision losses. Best Names: Botan Tokay, Timo-Juhani Hirvikangas, Lewis McGrillen-Evans Zane “Nasty” Frazier  Record: 4-11 - 0.266 Streak: 1 Last Win: November 5, 2005 Notes: Perhaps other than Jay Ellis, who is the Godking of Dustmen, there isn’t a more notable guy with a bad record than Zane Frazier. He competed at the very first UFC, plus UFC 9. He also has a classic old school MMA weird loss on his record (Injured falling out of the ring at the World Vale Tudo Championships against Mestre Hulk). He’s also lost a lot of fights by TKO for being an alleged karate champion. Though I’m sure he was one of those karate champions where they don’t allow anything stronger than light taps to the chest and stern looks. Best Names: Wes Gassaway, Ron Rumpf G is for Godawful Vladimir Gerasimchik  Record: 1-11 - 0.083 Streak: 11 Last Win: March 4, 2010 Notes: We’ve got a doughy, sub-6 foot heavyweight who got wetly slapped in the torso by Nikita Krylov at Oplot and gave up a kimura in a minute. A proud tradition that will live on forever. Best Names: Guram Gugenishvili, Dmitry Poberezhets Ashley Gibson  Record: 2-17 - 0.105, 1-28 amateur - 0.034 Streak: 17 Last Win: March 26, 2016 Notes: Gibson has one plan, and that plan is to throw overhand rights with wild abandon. When he isn’t getting easily countered, he’s overextending and getting taken down and submitted with ease. Best Names: Ben Pickles, Jonny Brocklesby, Madars Fleminas, Matt Pepper, Nills Van Noord Carlos Eduardo “Cachorro Louco” Gomes  Record: 4-25 - 0.138 Streak: 6 Last Win: July 16, 2022 Notes: Carlos Gomes is well into his 40s and he fought 8 times in 2022, going 1-7, with four first round TKO losses. Best Names: Kolton Englund, Albino Negrao, Sanderson Tita, Magno Silva Yuri Gorbenko  Record: 12-50 - 0.194 Streak: 24 Last Win: February 14, 2016 Notes: Yuri had back to back fights with Ion Cutelaba and Serghei Spivac, which is a tough time for most regional guys, but it’s especially hard for a sub-6 foot hairy lima bean man. Best Names: Vitaly Lichman, Konstantin Glukhov, Pavel Snigur, Donald Njatah Nya, Boubacar Balde, Rihards Bigis, Muslimbek Muslimov H is for Horrible Vic Hall  Record: 6-22 - 0.214 Streak: 5 Last Win: February 8, 2014 Notes: I won’t say Hall has no ground skills. I’ve seen him scramble out of bad positions, but he doesn’t really have good ground skills. That should be expected when all but one loss has been by submission. Best Names: Quinton Askelson, Thad Yaggy, Brandon Bowser, Beau Admire, Jarrod L’Heureux Did He Fight Travis Fulton: At 1-0 when Fulton was 220-46 Mark Hermann  Record: 2-13 - 0.133 Streak: 5 Last Win: October 13, 2007 Notes: Jesus Christ, Hermann’s career barring his last fight in 2012, all took place in 2007. He fought fourteen times, almost exclusively in Iowa, losing 13 times. What a horrible life. Just getting pummeled in front of the same two dozen people in the Cedar Rapids airport Quality Inn conference room over and over and over. And over. Best Names: BeeJay Hurst III, John Cronkling RT Hicks  Record: 4-22 - 0.153 Streak: 15 Last Win: February 6, 2010 Notes: “666” RT Hicks has an enormous 666 back piece and is utterly dreadful at fighting. Guess the Devil doesn’t help that much. He basically gets dumped on the ground and punched until he gives up. Hail Satan! Best Names: Thor Freeburg, Starr Roberts Jr Albert Hill  Record: 3-20 - 0.130 Streak: 11 Last Win: July 8, 2006 Notes: Quite a conundrum we have here. Hill’s got a picture on his Tapology profile, so I assume his fights wouldn’t be hard to track down. Yet when I slap my horrid little flippers on the keyboard and punch the keys that make “ablerp hlil mmmmm, aaaaaa” into YouTube, it only gives me one Albert Hill fight, but it’s not against anyone on his record. What the hell, guys. This should have been relatively easy. Best Names: Nick Shadwick, Tony Llamas, Shawn Bias, Billy Kidd Jonathan “Dragon” Hines  Record: 3-27 (0-2 Boxing) - 0.100 Current Streak: 6 Last Win: February 15, 2014 Notes: Hines is another guy with no fight footage that matches his record, so I don’t know if the one or two videos of Jonathan Hines MMA are him or not. This project sure gets frustrating at times! Best Names: Nate Jolly, Shane Matchette, TJ Barber, Portland Pringle III Mikiko Hiyama  Record: 0-11 - 0.000, 0-1 Exhibition, 0-1 Amateur Streak: 13 Notes: We got ourselves a Dustwoman! Hiyama has shown, in the two fights of hers I watched, less than rudimentary striking, and at best bad ground skills. Still, she goes out there and gets wrecked regularly for no discernable reason. She recently lost via Chicken Wing Armlock, which is strange because I thought Bob Backlund was dead. Best Names: Hyo Kyung “Goddess of the Octagon” Song Jeff “The Steuss Killer” Horlacher  Record: 8-25 - 0.242 Streak: 1 Last Win: July 30, 2011 Notes: Whatever the hell a Steuss is, rest assured, they are safe from bum-rear end Jeff. He easily gets taken down and submitted. The few times he’s ended up in an advantageous position on the ground, it’s because an opponent got too overzealous in their submission attempts. He also fought Drew Fickett twice, once in his debut when Fickett was 3-0, which isn’t so bad, and again when he was 5-11 and Drew had rocketed up to 33-5 which has got to suck. Also, most egregious of all, Horlacher has put out “rap disses” against opponents which are just 4 minutes of him saying mostly homophobic rhyming couplets. gently caress off, Jeff. Best Names: Ted Opalinski, Rob Wooden, Joe Vigil, Robert Rose, Travis Degrout LobsterMobster fucked around with this message at 03:28 on Oct 11, 2023 |
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Feb 16, 2023 03:07
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| # ¿ May 13, 2024 23:55 |
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reserved for more dustmen
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Feb 16, 2023 03:07
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reserved for probably the last set of dustment
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Feb 16, 2023 03:08
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I want it known: we will not be learning anything in this thread. I will glean no new knowledge from watching these chumps fight (If they have recorded fights). I will be posting a new swathe of Dustmen twice a month, unless I get behind and then I'll enter panic mode.
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Feb 16, 2023 03:38
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Cavauro posted:any tales of dustmen fighting eachother? Yes, often if a Dustman has wins, it's either against someone who barely exists as a concept, or it's against another dustman.
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Feb 16, 2023 14:24
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B is for Bad Robert Bennett Record: 1-11 - 0.083 Streak: 7 Last Win: June 8, 2013 Notes: In the two fights of Bennett’s that I watched, he gets floored very easily. He has some attempts at a guard game, putting his feet on the opponent’s hips, looking to control the wrists, but he doesn’t do anything of note. In one fight, Poor Bob gives up his back after some perfunctory ground and pound and easily submits to a choke. In the other, he just gets pounded out with ease. Best Names: Michael Cockerham, Eric Slocum Scott “Lionheart” Blevins Record: 0-17 - 0.000 Notes: Scott is an amazing lens into the power of delusion. In the fights I’ve seen (And based on his record, this holds for all of his fights), Blevins swings wildly, falls over, turtles up and gets punched or tapped out, usually under 60 seconds. He’s done this 17 times in a row, and he still has a few callout videos proclaiming himself to be the “UFC Underdog”, and asking for rematches against guys that trounced him easily, or sometimes just calling out actual (At the time) UFC fighters like Spencer Fisher and Miguel Torres for various perceived slights. Trust me, Scott, if 2-1 Jeff Jenkins could handle you, an actual professional fighter who’s actually good would have done a literal war crime to you. Best Names: Robert Mondloch, Braxton Shirar, Lucas Staehler Blake “The Punisher” Breitsprecher Record: 3-14 - 0.176 Streak: 5 Last Win: March 9, 2013 Notes: Breitsprecher is another guy with an official record that deviates wildly from what gets announced on the grainy, 240p videos of his fights uploaded 15 years ago. In one such bout, he was listed as a champion of multiple organizations, boasting a 20-12 record. In that fight, a loss to Rakim Cleveland, Blake threw slapping leg kicks, tried some spinning body kicks, and showed decent takedowns. He got caught in some submissions, and was ultimately finished by giving up his back and tapping out after absorbing 4 punches. There’s also a video of him singing the National Anthem before an event in Iowa, so Blake “The Punisher” Breitsprecher is a multi-faceted individual, it’s just that one facet (fighting other men for money) is terrible, and the other (an ok singing voice) isn’t good enough to pay the bills. Best Names: Chuck Parmelee, Roy Jones Did He He Fight Travis Fulton: At 0-0, when Fulton was 242-46, then twice more in boxing, plus again in MMA, at 3-10, with Fulton at 251-50 (3 years from their first fight)
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Feb 28, 2023 05:19
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ilmucche posted:Great thread but you forgot to include blevins' streak! infinite
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Feb 28, 2023 21:55
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new dustmans, get'cher new dustmens C is for Crappy Will “Carnage” Cairns Record: 1-46 (5 ineligible), 3-43 Amateur - 0.021 Current Losing Streak: 5 Last Win: February 22, 2020 Notes: Will Cairns gets called “very experienced” in all his fights, yet his record is never discussed. Curious. He loves nothing more than to throw winging haymakers, get taken down, and smashed on the ground. Whether it’s a no-hooks RNC or tepid ground and pound, Will Cairns will tap out to anyone’s offense, guaranteed or your money back! Best Names: Bane Dundavan, Dan Tempest, Josh Leet, James Huck, Dru Oakes, Jazz Singh, Tommy Gunn, Kevin Fryer, Kams Ekpo, Dan Gibbon, Onur Caglar, Nigel Whitear, Rico Franco, Kimbo Tinghaugen, Festus Ahorlu, Iss Kurdi Melville Calabaca Record: 2-9 - 0.181 Streak: 2 Last Win: September 30, 2005 Notes: Melville is an early borderline case. While 2-9 is a bad record, is it truly indicative of a true chump? Perhaps, but when one-third of your losses have come inside a minute, I think that’s more than enough proof. Also, of course there’s no footage of this guy. Best Names: Tony Zamora, Brian Bourgeois, Ron Rumpf Jason “The Troll” Carrier Record: 2-14 - 0.125 Streak: 7 Last Win: July 23, 2011 Notes: Fighting “troll style” seems to entail swinging wide and wild hooks, never connecting, and then wilting under the slightest bit of return fire. Best Names: Paul Compton, Tyrelle Olding, Cornelius Godfrey, Dillard Pegg Jeff Carstens Record: 8-25 - 0.242 Streak: 5 Last Win: January 15, 2011 Notes: I feel bad for Jeff Carstens. He seems to have been a punching bag for some of the Midwest’s most notable names. He met Clay Guida at 1-4, when Guida was 16-3, which is just criminal matchmaking. He faced a 1-0 Tyron Woodley at 6-17, and he faced 10-0 Joe Ellenberger at 8-20. Just an atrocious time for Jeff. Buy Jeff a soda if you see him and tell him it’s ok, the bad men can’t hurt him any more. Best Names: Ryan Peacock, Adam G, John Rite, Mike Wunderlich, Billy Armstrong, Will Shutt, Jaxson Mason Ron “The Savage” Carter Record: 4-18 - 0.181 Streak: 8 Last Win: April 13, 2012 Notes: Ron Carter fights out of Team Grandma Shirley. I wish he was better than he was just for that factoid, but sadly, he’s not very good. It’s more of the same, takedown, some ground and pound, and then a submission. Another day, another literal dollar earned. Best Names: Daryl Wise, Tristan Yunker, Anton Talamantes, Andenilson Clementino, Danny Surface Chris Clark Record: 7-30 - 0.189 Streak: 7 Last Win: December 7, 2007 Notes: The only footage I found of Chris Clark that matches up against someone on his Tapology page was facing a 1-0 Brett Rogers when Clark was 3-13. Needless to say, Clark got punched very hard in the head in a short contest. Best Names: Token Bell, Cory Walmsley, Jade Link, Mike Block, Eric Tix, Karl Knothe, Jay Schnitzmeyer, Andy Montana, Greg Hammer, Otis Funk, Sean Threefingers, Shane DeZee Did He Fight Travis Fulton: At 2-8 when Fulton was 171-43, at 3-12 when Fulton was 176-43 (7 months apart) Andy “The Immortal” Cona Record: 5-35 - 0.125 Streak: 1 (Win) Last Win: October 26, 2019 Notes: Cona at one point said he fights for his daughter, and while that’s admirable, maybe his daughter should have some humanity and tell her dad to hang up the gloves. Anyway, Andy has the classic “lie back and think of England” grappling style which sees him hold desperately to a headlock at all costs. This basically never works. Best Names: Ash Davis, Jamie Crisp, Kyle Redfearn, Ashley-James Clive Bridgeman, Jamaine Facey, Lewis Monarch, Stuart Gooch, Galip Koc, Colin Wilby Nic Cox Record: 1-12 - 0.076 Streak: 8 Last Win: April 6, 2013 Notes: I found one of Nic’s fights, and it’s just his opponent, Jordan Neer’s friends and family screaming at Jordan to beat Nic’s bitch rear end the gently caress up. He does, easily, inside of one minute. Thank you for blowing out my eardrums, Jordan’s friends and family. Best Names: Dennis Deaver, Stoney Stuart Anderson Cruz Record: 3-12 - 0.200 Streak: 7 Last Win: August 18, 2012 Notes: It is a shameful thing to find a Brazilian who has no ground game. Anderson looks utterly lost on the floor, simply sticking his arms out to try and create distance or desperate body clinching. Best Names: Eduardo Wellington, Rizvan Zhantcaev
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Mar 15, 2023 02:20
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Sadly, Daniel Alosius Quinn only went 5-7 in recorded mixed martial arts contests, well below the criteria for dustman status
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Mar 15, 2023 16:45
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Eat This Glob posted:i have a good friend with the same name as one of your latest dustmen. it's the same name as a guy (formerly local to us) who always had warrants. because this was iowa, and both dudes were black, he had no shortage of police encounters. im sure he'd be more embarrassed by the dustman's performance with the name than the guy who got him pulled over a dozen or more timed Don't doxx your friend, but I am going to assume the name in common is Melville Calabaca just because I want to imagine a world where there are more than one person with that name
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Mar 15, 2023 19:04
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it's the end of the month, time for more dust styled mens! D is for Dreadful Jeremiah Davenport Record: 0-11 - 0.000 Notes: There is footage of someone named Jeremiah Davenport, but his fights don’t match up with anyone this specific Jeremiah Davenport has on record. Fun stuff! Best Names: Darnell Davis, Mike Sixel, Billy Kidd Stuart Davies Record: 8-26 - 0.235 Streak: 15 Last Win: August 7, 2011 Notes: I’m not sure what happened to Stuart Davies. At one point in his career, he was a respectable 6-3, and after some rocky times, was 8-11. Then he lost 15 straight fights, absolutely cementing him in Dustman status. Did he lose the will to try? Is he depressed? He lost an interim title fight to a guy who has a win by Chest Smother on his record. Maybe someone should have done a wellness check on Stuart Davies 10 years ago. Best Names: Ross Mould, Nathan Beer, Dale Hardiman, Wesley Murch Dragan Dragojevi Record: 1-11 (1-11 boxing) - 0.083 Streak: 8 (MMA), 1 (Boxing) Last Win: July 28, 2017 (MMA) Notes: This guy is bad at boxing and MMA, and it might be because his standup consists of shelling up in fear at every exchange. Best Names: Claudio Squeo
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Apr 1, 2023 00:29
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new dustmen? new dustmen. E is for Embarrassing Franklin Chancelor Edmonson Record: 2-17 - 0.105 Streak: 5 Last Win: June 11, 2011 Notes: This dude is named Franklin Chancellor Edmonson and he decided to become a cage fighter. That’s just bad life planning. With that kind of name, he should have become an investment firm. Best Names: Jerry Barron, Albert Stainbeck, Tim Stout, Jason Coomer, Courage Tshabalala Jason Ehresmann Record: 6-24 - 0.200 Streak: 6 Last Win: October 15, 2011 Notes: Ehresmann has one of my favorite moments in Dustman Lore, lying about your record to a regional organization. Of his fights that I watched, he’s shown a predilection for jumping guillotines, failing, and getting pummeled. Best Names: Chris Descourouez, Justin Reason, Cameron Schrempp, Chuck Parmelee Jay Ellis Record: 16-107 (0-5 boxing, 0-1 Muay Thai) - 0.130 Current Streak: 10 Last Win: November 5, 2021 Notes: It’s said you learn more from a loss than a win. Jay Ellis must be the most knowledgeable fighter of all time. Apparently none of that information is actually applicable to fighting, since Jay keeps catching Ls. I mean, his name is Jay L is, Jay is Ls. Talk about nominative determinism. Best Names: Andy Normington, Mike Stumpf, Caleb Krull, James Warfield-Lane, Bobby Reardanz Gary Ellison Record: 0-10 (2 Ineligible) - 0.000 Notes: I discovered two great moments in Ellison’s fight history. There was one fight when he was announced as Will Cairns, though the on-screen graphic and YouTube title list it as a “Garry Ellison” fight. Second is one bout when he took a low kick, fell down, took one hammerfist, but the opponent backed off, and Gary looked confused that the fight was going to continue. It lasted about thirty more seconds, but Gary really thought the fight was supposed to be over once his back hit the canvas. The old “This fight is going to be three hits. You hit me, I hit the floor, you hit me one more time to finish me off”, but it didn’t go exactly to plan for Gary. Best Names: Erol Raif, Jordan Stronge, David Relph Chris Ensley Record: 6-46 - 0.115 Streak: 18 Last Win: May 30, 2014 Notes: One fight saw Ensley announced as being 42-38. The lies. The lies! His fighting style is to bounce on his toes and throw the world’s slowest kicks. Somehow this has not worked for him. Best Names: Jake Albinio, Sterling Ford, Dave Courchaine, Jessee Gengler Brad Evans Record: 3-17 - 0.150 Streak: 5 Last Win: August 3, 2019 Notes: I’ll say this for Evans, he doesn’t instantly give up and go limp when ground and pound starts raining down. There was even one fight when he escaped and got back to his feet, if only briefly. Best Names: Ash Williams, Reece Street, Decky Dalton Ty Evans Record: 0-12 - 0.000 Notes: I’m not sure how this happened, mostly because I refuse to watch this particular fight, but after losing 9 straight in the first round, his most recent bout went the full 15 minutes. Congrats on the perseverance, Ty! Best Names: Baraq Hunter, Willis Boudoin
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Apr 15, 2023 19:13
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rare Magic card l00k posted:i badly want ty vs. brad in a battle of the worst evanses brad's got a cool snake or maybe dragon tattoo, but ty owns a gi should be a tough match for both
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Apr 15, 2023 19:21
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oh hey, this thread. F is for Failure Washington “Gigante” Ferreira Record: 2-10 - 0.167 Streak: 3 Last Win: May 20, 2010 Notes: Strange, but there’s no footage of a guy who got his rear end kicked on the Brazilian regional scene in the mid-2000s. Maybe Chael Sonnen was right and Brazil really doesn’t have internet. Best Names: Junior Fofinho, Corcino Troglo Bobby “The Bully” Ferrier Record: 9-27 - 0.250 Streak: 8 Last Win: December 31, 2012 Notes: In one of Bobby’s most recent bouts, the commentators noted that he hadn’t had time to train regularly, so he was out of shape, but hey, the fight was some extra cash. At least we’ve finally got some honesty for a Dustman. Best Names: Cody Pasquale, Jake Grabowski, Jos Eichelberger, Brett Shoenfelt, Randy Kittleson Kris Fleurestil Record: 1-14 - 0.067 Streak: 13 Last Win: October 7, 2006 Notes: There appears to be no footage of Fleurestil in action, sadly not even against Shonie Carter. Best Names: Daniel Wanderley, Russ Janca, Brent Mehrhoff Martin Fouda Record: 5-20 - 0.200 Streak: 9 Last Win: August 3, 2019 Notes: Fouda’s a rare breed of Dustman in that all his wins and a fair number of losses are by decision. Granted, his last four have all ended in the first round, but he’s not always instantly crumbling. Of course, the fights I did watch that’s what happened, because I’m not a complete masochist, I’m not watching a Dustman’s decision losses. Best Names: Botan Tokay, Timo-Juhani Hirvikangas, Lewis McGrillen-Evans Zane “Nasty” Frazier Record: 4-11 - 0.266 Streak: 1 Last Win: November 5, 2005 Notes: Perhaps other than Jay Ellis, who is the Godking of Dustmen, there isn’t a more notable guy with a bad record than Zane Frazier. He competed at the very first UFC, plus UFC 9. He also has a classic old school MMA weird loss on his record (Injured falling out of the ring at the World Vale Tudo Championships against Mestre Hulk). He’s also lost a lot of fights by TKO for being an alleged karate champion. Though I’m sure he was one of those karate champions where they don’t allow anything stronger than light taps to the chest and stern looks. Best Names: Wes Gassaway, Ron Rumpf
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Sep 2, 2023 19:54
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i have once again updated the list of men of dust G is for Godawful Vladimir Gerasimchik Record: 1-11 - 0.083 Streak: 11 Last Win: March 4, 2010 Notes: We’ve got a doughy, sub-6 foot heavyweight who got wetly slapped in the torso by Nikita Krylov at Oplot and gave up a kimura in a minute. A proud tradition that will live on forever. Best Names: Guram Gugenishvili, Dmitry Poberezhets Ashley Gibson Record: 2-17 - 0.105, 1-28 amateur - 0.034 Streak: 17 Last Win: March 26, 2016 Notes: Gibson has one plan, and that plan is to throw overhand rights with wild abandon. When he isn’t getting easily countered, he’s overextending and getting taken down and submitted with ease. Best Names: Ben Pickles, Jonny Brocklesby, Madars Fleminas, Matt Pepper, Nills Van Noord Carlos Eduardo “Cachorro Louco” Gomes Record: 4-25 - 0.138 Streak: 6 Last Win: July 16, 2022 Notes: Carlos Gomes is well into his 40s and he fought 8 times in 2022, going 1-7, with four first round TKO losses. Best Names: Kolton Englund, Albino Negrao, Sanderson Tita, Magno Silva Yuri Gorbenko Record: 12-50 - 0.194 Streak: 24 Last Win: February 14, 2016 Notes: Yuri had back to back fights with Ion Cutelaba and Serghei Spivac, which is a tough time for most regional guys, but it’s especially hard for a sub-6 foot hairy lima bean man. Best Names: Vitaly Lichman, Konstantin Glukhov, Pavel Snigur, Donald Njatah Nya, Boubacar Balde, Rihards Bigis, Muslimbek Muslimov
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Sep 10, 2023 22:28
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more dust men and one dust women H is for Horrible Vic Hall Record: 6-22 - 0.214 Streak: 5 Last Win: February 8, 2014 Notes: I won’t say Hall has no ground skills. I’ve seen him scramble out of bad positions, but he doesn’t really have good ground skills. That should be expected when all but one loss has been by submission. Best Names: Quinton Askelson, Thad Yaggy, Brandon Bowser, Beau Admire, Jarrod L’Heureux Did He Fight Travis Fulton: At 1-0 when Fulton was 220-46 Mark Hermann Record: 2-13 - 0.133 Streak: 5 Last Win: October 13, 2007 Notes: Jesus Christ, Hermann’s career barring his last fight in 2012, all took place in 2007. He fought fourteen times, almost exclusively in Iowa, losing 13 times. What a horrible life. Just getting pummeled in front of the same two dozen people in the Cedar Rapids airport Quality Inn conference room over and over and over. And over. Best Names: BeeJay Hurst III, John Cronkling RT Hicks Record: 4-22 - 0.153 Streak: 15 Last Win: February 6, 2010 Notes: “666” RT Hicks has an enormous 666 back piece and is utterly dreadful at fighting. Guess the Devil doesn’t help that much. He basically gets dumped on the ground and punched until he gives up. Hail Satan! Best Names: Thor Freeburg, Starr Roberts Jr Albert Hill Record: 3-20 - 0.130 Streak: 11 Last Win: July 8, 2006 Notes: Quite a conundrum we have here. Hill’s got a picture on his Tapology profile, so I assume his fights wouldn’t be hard to track down. Yet when I slap my horrid little flippers on the keyboard and punch the keys that make “ablerp hlil mmmmm, aaaaaa” into YouTube, it only gives me one Albert Hill fight, but it’s not against anyone on his record. What the hell, guys. This should have been relatively easy. Best Names: Nick Shadwick, Tony Llamas, Shawn Bias, Billy Kidd Jonathan “Dragon” Hines Record: 3-27 (0-2 Boxing) - 0.100 Current Streak: 6 Last Win: February 15, 2014 Notes: Hines is another guy with no fight footage that matches his record, so I don’t know if the one or two videos of Jonathan Hines MMA are him or not. This project sure gets frustrating at times! Best Names: Nate Jolly, Shane Matchette, TJ Barber, Portland Pringle III Mikiko Hiyama Record: 0-11 - 0.000, 0-1 Exhibition, 0-1 Amateur Streak: 13 Notes: We got ourselves a Dustwoman! Hiyama has shown, in the two fights of hers I watched, less than rudimentary striking, and at best bad ground skills. Still, she goes out there and gets wrecked regularly for no discernable reason. She recently lost via Chicken Wing Armlock, which is strange because I thought Bob Backlund was dead. Best Names: Hyo Kyung “Goddess of the Octagon” Song Jeff “The Steuss Killer” Horlacher Record: 8-25 - 0.242 Streak: 1 Last Win: July 30, 2011 Notes: Whatever the hell a Steuss is, rest assured, they are safe from bum-rear end Jeff. He easily gets taken down and submitted. The few times he’s ended up in an advantageous position on the ground, it’s because an opponent got too overzealous in their submission attempts. He also fought Drew Fickett twice, once in his debut when Fickett was 3-0, which isn’t so bad, and again when he was 5-11 and Drew had rocketed up to 33-5 which has got to suck. Also, most egregious of all, Horlacher has put out “rap disses” against opponents which are just 4 minutes of him saying mostly homophobic rhyming couplets. gently caress off, Jeff. Best Names: Ted Opalinski, Rob Wooden, Joe Vigil, Robert Rose, Travis Degrout
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Oct 11, 2023 03:28
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