Stories You Were Told That Were Absolute Bullshit

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EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

I actually just remembered in grade school one of the lunches had apple slices with cinnamon sprinkled on and I took a straw intended for the milk and I sucked the grains of cinnamon through my mouth and one of the staff members tapped me on the shoulder, motioned me to get up and away from the table, and told me in earshot of everybody else "You know you are doing what they do to marijuana, right?" and then made me throw the rest of my lunch in the garbage, including the unopened milk carton.

Thanks thread :confuoot:

# ? Apr 18, 2023 20:34

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# ? May 11, 2024 16:30

Tite Barnacle: Jun 4, 2014; Meowdy Purrdner; Grimey Drawer

Ubersandwich posted:

I had an 8th grade biology teacher tell my class that you can cross a cat with a rabbit, you'd get a "cabbit". He said he had a student bring one in and it hopped around in the classroom. So many layers of bullshit on that one. Not even a misconception, dude flat out lied about something he should have known.

Lol did this teacher work at the weekly world news? They had flying rabbits called flabbits but never documented the cabbits. It's a shame that that publication no longer exists.

# ? Apr 18, 2023 20:40

A Wizard of Goatse: Dec 14, 2014

isaboo posted:

I always heard it as "you'll get pink eye watching two dogs loving"

how close were you watching?

# ? Apr 18, 2023 20:42

PureEvil6_13: Jun 1, 2004; I LIKE PETA AND THINK THAT SCIENCE IS EVIL

"This school does not condone or tolerate any kind of bullying"

This girl I went to school with told everyone that she was a direct descendant of Johnny Appleseed, which was weird since he had no children.

PureEvil6_13 fucked around with this message at 20:49 on Apr 18, 2023

# ? Apr 18, 2023 20:44

Futanari Damacy: Oct 30, 2021; by sebmojo

Don't pee in the pool because there's a special dye chemical in the water that only reacts to warm urine so everyone will know it's you and they'll have to close the whole pool to clean it

# ? Apr 18, 2023 21:03

Futanari Damacy: Oct 30, 2021; by sebmojo

My uncle: "don't touch this fluffy pink fiberglass insulation I have just lying around here, if you do it will make you itchy FOREVER"

I get that he just didn't want a 4-year old messing around with it, but I was extremely, overly cautious around the stuff basically until adolescence

# ? Apr 18, 2023 21:05

Futanari Damacy: Oct 30, 2021; by sebmojo

Toys don't go on sale on Boxing Day

# ? Apr 18, 2023 21:06

PureEvil6_13: Jun 1, 2004; I LIKE PETA AND THINK THAT SCIENCE IS EVIL

Where I grew up most people had a sump pump in their basements. To get us to stay away from them my mom told us that they were basically bottomless pits of death and we were as good as gone if we ever fell in. I remember having nightmares about the sump pump in my neighbors house. We played pool on an old pool table in my grandparents' unfinished farm house basement and if a ball went off the table towards the sump pump we all freaked out, making haste to chase it down before it got to it.

# ? Apr 18, 2023 21:24

Sex Farm: Nov 17, 2017

When i was young my older siblings told me there used to be an older brother named Peter who died and the only reason my parents had me was because they wanted to replace Peter. Also the siblings said if i told my parents they would just say they were lying

# ? Apr 18, 2023 21:49

Asterite34: May 19, 2009

Sex Farm posted:

When i was young my older siblings told me there used to be an older brother named Peter who died and the only reason my parents had me was because they wanted to replace Peter. Also the siblings said if i told my parents they would just say they were lying

This situation legit happened to my cousin when she was a little kid, like some older relatives were talking about her deceased older brother within earshot and she asked who they were talking about and didn't recognize the name, and there was this horrible awkward moment of "Okay, how much have her parents seen fit to tell her, and how much do WE tell her"

Worst thing my brother told ME along those lines was that I was bought as a baby from a Walmart

# ? Apr 18, 2023 22:44

YeahTubaMike: Mar 24, 2005; *hic* Gotta finish thish . . .; Doctor Rope

PureEvil6_13 posted:

"Awesome, November 21st sounds like a great wedding date for us! I love you so much we will be together forever" - College girlfriend that did not marry me

You heard love from the lips, you were rapt by the hips, the promise was eternal but you couldn't see that far :smith:

Asterite34 posted:

Worst thing my brother told ME along those lines was that I was bought as a baby from a Walmart

Jeez

I don't have any siblings, but the worst thing I told my cousin was that Jason (Friday the 13th) was real.

# ? Apr 18, 2023 22:49

MY INEVITABLE DEBT: Apr 21, 2011; I am lonely and spend most of my time on 4Chan talking about the superiority of BBC porn.

i have a friend whos a pathological liar who claims to have killed several people while working for "the cartel" (no mention of which one). he routinely says poo poo nobody believes like "on the way home i saw a dog that got hit by a car and i had to shoot it" or "when i was in a gun fight with 3 guys i only had a knife so i cut off the guy's finger so he couldnt shoot his gun at me" or "i used to sell kilos of cocaine to rich lawyers and they would do it all in a weekend and i would have to bring them more"

nobody knows why he does this. he is an adult man in his 30s. he says he has ptsd from all the violence he did. there is not one person i know who believes any of these stories.

# ? Apr 18, 2023 23:12

EorayMel: May 30, 2015; WE GET IT. YOU LOVE GUN JESUS. Toujours des fusils Bullpup Fran�ais.

MY INEVITABLE DEBT posted:

i have a friend whos a pathological liar who claims to have killed several people while working for "the cartel" (no mention of which one). he routinely says poo poo nobody believes like "on the way home i saw a dog that got hit by a car and i had to shoot it" or "when i was in a gun fight with 3 guys i only had a knife so i cut off the guy's finger so he couldnt shoot his gun at me" or "i used to sell kilos of cocaine to rich lawyers and they would do it all in a weekend and i would have to bring them more"

nobody knows why he does this. he is an adult man in his 30s. he says he has ptsd from all the violence he did. there is not one person i know who believes any of these stories.

This person is DEFINITELY a goon. Or at least was.

# ? Apr 18, 2023 23:16

Haptical Sales Slut: Mar 15, 2010; Age 18 to 49

Joseph smith translated ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics from golden tablets out of a top hat with the help of a magic rock.

# ? Apr 19, 2023 02:29

Lil Swamp Booger Baby: Aug 1, 1981

MY INEVITABLE DEBT posted:

i have a friend whos a pathological liar who claims to have killed several people while working for "the cartel" (no mention of which one). he routinely says poo poo nobody believes like "on the way home i saw a dog that got hit by a car and i had to shoot it" or "when i was in a gun fight with 3 guys i only had a knife so i cut off the guy's finger so he couldnt shoot his gun at me" or "i used to sell kilos of cocaine to rich lawyers and they would do it all in a weekend and i would have to bring them more"

nobody knows why he does this. he is an adult man in his 30s. he says he has ptsd from all the violence he did. there is not one person i know who believes any of these stories.

Ur just a hater

# ? Apr 19, 2023 02:40

MrQwerty: Apr 15, 2003

EorayMel posted:

One time I was told the story of REDMOON LEGBONE(or it was REDBONE LEGBONE) who was an evil indestructible skeleton who would chase you and kill you by ripping your legs off if you went to a cemetery at midnight when I was a dumb stupid idiot child and I was very scared for a long time

that skeleton has a cool name

# ? Apr 19, 2023 02:51

Tite Barnacle: Jun 4, 2014; Meowdy Purrdner; Grimey Drawer

They said it was pneumonia, they told me it was pneumonia but I knew what it was. A victim of the modern age...

# ? Apr 19, 2023 03:54

Hyrax Attack!: Jan 13, 2009; We demand to be taken seriously

We spoke to your insurance and this is pre-approved.

A damage deposit is something you can get back.

No need to rinse those dishes before using the dishwasher.

# ? Apr 19, 2023 04:41

syntaxfunction: Oct 27, 2010

I was expecting less posts about a relationship not working out or kids from elementary school not, in fact, being friends forever.

# ? Apr 19, 2023 06:13

BAGS FLY AT NOON: Apr 6, 2011; A Soft Nylon Bag

EorayMel posted:

I actually just remembered in grade school one of the lunches had apple slices with cinnamon sprinkled on and I took a straw intended for the milk and I sucked the grains of cinnamon through my mouth and one of the staff members tapped me on the shoulder, motioned me to get up and away from the table, and told me in earshot of everybody else "You know you are doing what they do to marijuana, right?" and then made me throw the rest of my lunch in the garbage, including the unopened milk carton.

Thanks thread

What

# ? Apr 19, 2023 13:38

BigBadSteve: Apr 29, 2009

Cabbages and Kings posted:

an incomplete list

"We're going to be best friends forever!" (age 4)
"I put a 20' extension cord on an NES controller, and beat mario3 from another room without seeing the screen!" (1st grade)
"We're sending you to a good school we're you'll be well treated by staff and students and where stuff like bullying is rare and not tolerated!" (1st grade)
"We're going to be best friends forever!" (3rd grade)
"Thanksgiving was celebrated by the natives who were grateful to the white man (4th, 7th, 11th grade)"
"Acid is a super dangerous drug that makes you literally see things that aren't there like pacman ghosts chasing you" (5th grade)
"We'll be your friends and support you through this difficult time" (8th grade)
"You can trust us in the guidance office to know about your self harm or whatever else is going on, and not inform people in ways that will cause you problems!" (10th grade)
"This acid is pretty good, don't take more than 3 if you're dosing at school" (11th grade, and it turned out to be obscenely strong and 3 tabs was pure catatonia and I was lucky I made it home)
"This acid is decent" (11th grade, turned out to be blank notebook paper)
"The civil rights era was tumultuous and then nothing significant happened after about 1967" (11th grade)
"Sign up for the army, I will buy you a keg of beer and you don't even have to go, just sign this poo poo and then don't show up, it's fine!!" (12th grade)
"Every computer science graduate needs to understand some amount of assembly because you'll invariably need to use it at some point" (sophmore year college)
"Java applets are a useful paradigm for putting applications on the web and you need to be good at this to be employable" (junior year college)
"I won't gently caress our mutual friend's GF until they break up, because it would totally gently caress up our friend group" (junior year college)

seems like once I exited college and had basically total control over the humans I am exposed to outside the work place, the amount of abject bullshit that gets thrown at me has plummeted

Sorry you were told so many lies, promises later broken, and quasi-truths as a child.

Now, there are a few things I must know, mixed in with a little probably annoying (sorry!) unsolicited advice you are welcome to ignore:

"We're going to be best friends forever!" (x2) -> Maybe you can catch up with some of those childhood friends on Facebook and attempt to revive the friendships? I did so rather successfully with one such friend recently, I found it much easier to apologise for my own part in things (there usually is one) after many years of water under the bridge.
"Thanksgiving was celebrated by the natives who were grateful to the white man (4th, 7th, 11th grade)" -> Holy poo poo, were you taught this? Was it in your textbooks?
"You can trust us in the guidance office to know about your self harm or whatever else is going on, and not inform people in ways that will cause you problems!" (10th grade)->Sounds like a reasonable white lie, what's more important, stopping a kid self-harming by all reasonable methods, or being totally truthful with them at all times then watching them do possibly permanent or fatal physical damage to themselves?
"Acid is a super dangerous drug..." "it turned out to be obscenely strong and 3 tabs was pure catatonia and I was lucky I made it home)" -> So you could have been an acid casualty (e.g. got hit by a car while staggering across the road). LSD isn't a trivial drug no matter what drug dilettantes say, I've known people who took it daily for years and admit it half fried their brains. Take enough and it's dangerous, and all drugs are dangerous to drug addicts (just saying, I am not saying you are one).
"Sign up for the army, I will buy you a keg of beer and you don't even have to go, just sign this poo poo and then don't show up, it's fine!!" (12th grade) -> What swine told you this, were they an army recruiter misguidedly allowed to recruit at your school, or what?

I hope to share some of the filthy lies I've been told in a day or few, time (for writing and for processing)-permitting.

# ? Apr 19, 2023 14:13

YeahTubaMike: Mar 24, 2005; *hic* Gotta finish thish . . .; Doctor Rope

syntaxfunction posted:

I was expecting less posts about a relationship not working out or kids from elementary school not, in fact, being friends forever.

Hey, I tried to keep it light :shrug:

BigBadSteve posted:

"Sign up for the army, I will buy you a keg of beer and you don't even have to go, just sign this poo poo and then don't show up, it's fine!!" (12th grade) -> What swine told you this, were they an army recruiter misguidedly allowed to recruit at your school, or what?

Then the generals said, "We don't want our boys dead! Your sons and your husbands will be coming back heroes soon!"

(I'm sorry, this thread keeps reminding me of Bad Religion's "Drunk Sincerity")

# ? Apr 19, 2023 14:18

BigBadSteve: Apr 29, 2009

YeahTubaMike posted:

You heard love from the lips, you were rapt by the hips, the promise was eternal but you couldn't see that far

Jeez I don't have any siblings, but the worst thing I told my cousin was that Jason (Friday the 13th) was real.

Not untrue, in spirit. There have been, are, and will be many real life serial killers. One should be on the lookout for them. Especially while loving.

# ? Apr 19, 2023 14:33

dsf: Jul 1, 2004

"just be yourself, you'll find somebody who likes you for who you are"

# ? Apr 19, 2023 14:37

axolotl farmer: May 17, 2007; Now I'm going to sing the Perry Mason theme

This guy Peter in my fourth grade class loved the band Kiss. This was in the mid 80s, when Kiss was at their lamest "no makeup and neon rags" phase.

Peter was sure that Gene and Paul never used microphones on stage, because they just sing that loud. Also that they drove a tank on to the stage and could crack the school buildnings' walls with a single kick if they wanted to.

# ? Apr 19, 2023 14:38

YeahTubaMike: Mar 24, 2005; *hic* Gotta finish thish . . .; Doctor Rope

BigBadSteve posted:

Not untrue, in spirit. There have been, are, and will be many real life serial killers. One should be on the lookout for them. Especially while loving.

While that is definitely true, my uncle & older cousin could certainly not turn off the lights & summon him into my grandmother's apartment.

# ? Apr 19, 2023 14:44

Futanari Damacy: Oct 30, 2021; by sebmojo

Joker origin story just Batman telling him they'll be bffs

# ? Apr 19, 2023 14:49

Lampsacus: Oct 21, 2008

primary school teacher ran into the classroom balling her eyes out because she just discovered about the shroud of Turin or something. actually in retrospect it might have just been a bad day for her.

# ? Apr 19, 2023 14:52

credburn: Jun 22, 2016; A tangled skein of bad opinions, the hottest takes, and the the world's most misinformed nonsense. Do not engage with me, it's useless, and better yet, put me on ignore.

From 4th and 5th grade (they were combined), there was an exceptional amount of history I learned that later on turned out to be absolute bullshit.

That people ever thought the world was flat.

That Christopher Columbus proved the Earth was round.

That slavery was only one of many contributing factors that led to the American Civil War.

That the Ku Klux Klan "started out with good ideas."

# ? Apr 19, 2023 14:54

YeahTubaMike: Mar 24, 2005; *hic* Gotta finish thish . . .; Doctor Rope

credburn posted:

From 4th and 5th grade (they were combined), there was an exceptional amount of history I learned that later on turned out to be absolute bullshit.

That people ever thought the world was flat.

That Christopher Columbus proved the Earth was round.

That slavery was only one of many contributing factors that led to the American Civil War.

Yeah, I'm not sure why we were ever taught poo poo like this in actual, official, accredited schools when they are literal outright lies. I mean, wh--

quote:

That the Ku Klux Klan "started out with good ideas."

# ? Apr 19, 2023 14:56

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

Futanari Damacy posted:

Joker origin story just Batman telling him they'll be bffs

lol

# ? Apr 19, 2023 14:59

axolotl farmer: May 17, 2007; Now I'm going to sing the Perry Mason theme

Christian substitute teacher in the 80s told us these bullshit facts:

Most bands are satanists, and hint at it all the time:
Kiss - Knights In Satan's Service
W.A.S.P. - We Are Satan's People

Gays live a sad life since their butthole gets destroyed and they poop themselves all the time.

# ? Apr 19, 2023 15:14

Outrail: Jan 4, 2009; www.sapphicrobotica.com

'We support you'

# ? Apr 19, 2023 15:21

Poohs Packin: Jan 13, 2019

axolotl farmer posted:

Gays live a sad life since their butthole gets destroyed and they poop themselves all the time.

LMAO

# ? Apr 19, 2023 15:41

Milo and POTUS: Sep 3, 2017; I will not shut up about the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I talk about them all the time and work them into every conversation I have. I built a shrine in my room for the yellow one who died because sadly no one noticed because she died around 9/11. Wanna see it?

axolotl farmer posted:

Christian substitute teacher in the 80s told us these bullshit facts:

Most bands are satanists, and hint at it all the time:
Kiss - Knights In Satan's Service
W.A.S.P. - We Are Satan's People

Gays live a sad life since their butthole gets destroyed and they poop themselves all the time.

WASPs are terrible, so one out of three ain't bad

# ? Apr 19, 2023 15:48

YeahTubaMike: Mar 24, 2005; *hic* Gotta finish thish . . .; Doctor Rope

axolotl farmer posted:

W.A.S.P. - ~~We Are Satan's People~~ Wet rear end Satan Pussy

# ? Apr 19, 2023 15:53

PureEvil6_13: Jun 1, 2004; I LIKE PETA AND THINK THAT SCIENCE IS EVIL

YeahTubaMike posted:

You heard love from the lips, you were rapt by the hips, the promise was eternal but you couldn't see that far

Jeez I don't have any siblings, but the worst thing I told my cousin was that Jason (Friday the 13th) was real.

Oh those lips and hips tho

# ? Apr 19, 2023 16:00

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Poohs Packin posted:

LMAO

Yeah I'm not gay and I frequently poo poo myself

# ? Apr 19, 2023 16:04

PureEvil6_13: Jun 1, 2004; I LIKE PETA AND THINK THAT SCIENCE IS EVIL

I grew up Roman Catholic and went to church every morning before school and then had to go to religion classes 3 days out of the week after church before going to regular school. Being brought up with the ten commandments being the end all be all rules we all knew that saying 'Godammit' was a big no no.
One morning, maybe in 4th grade, Sister Vincent was teaching our religion class and this particular commandment came up and she told us that the rule isn't literal. She said that it only meant that you shouldn't say 'Godammit' when you really, really mean to drat someone. So to prove her point she goes "See, Godammit. Godammit, Godammit, Godammit! It doesn't mean anything since I am not really wanting God to drat anything. It's just a word."
We were absolutely blown away and took this lesson as permission to say Godammit whenever the situation called for it.

Sister Vincent was way ahead of her time because there's no way those other sisters would have agreed with that Godamn lesson, Godammit.

# ? Apr 19, 2023 16:16

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# ? May 11, 2024 16:30

shelley: Nov 8, 2010

�I�m your friend, of course I wouldn�t lie to you.�

he was, of course, lying to me the entire goddamn time

# ? Apr 19, 2023 16:54

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