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It's been 2023 for months now! We've entered Spring. The sun is singing, the birds are shining, and the NFC East remains the best division in the National Football League. Let's doublecheck the teams here. The Dallas Cowboys gently caress 'em. Your 2022: 12-5 in the regular season, but ended with a whimper at the hands of the Brock Purdy-led San Francisco 49ers in the divisional round after thoroughly defiling Tom Brady's divorced corpse the previous week in a bout that can best described as no matter who wins, gently caress 'em. Key Departures: Zeke Elliot: Maybe not key so much anymore but notable. Zeke's performance fell off as a result of years of malnutrition and team trainers ignoring his constant please to be fed. Even Jerry Jnes took notice of Zeke's lackluster performances in the last few years and finally decided that air-dropping a yacht full of cash on an RB's lawn every weekend was not an efficient use of money. Key Acquisitions/Signings: Stephon Gilmore: Pulled from the Colts for a 5th-round pick. Is he still good? Brandin Cooks: Must smell like a dogwood tree or something because Cooks is a very good receiver that nobody wants to hang onto for long. Acquired from the Texans for a 2023 5th and a 2024 6th. Brian Schottenheimer: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Tony Pollard: Well, not so much an acquisition but the Cowboys have their RB of the immediate future in Pollard, who's on a 1-year, $10 mil-ish deal. Draft Capital in 2023 1 - 26 2 - 58 3 - 90 4 - 129 5 - 176 6 - 212 7 - 246 Needs: To leave the 1990s behind. Your 2023 Season: The Cowboys are always in the playoff conversation despite being asked repeatedly to leave. The team returns a lot of talent on offense and also Dak Prescott, who is easily a top-15 or top -16 QB in this league. Dallas has decided that Dak's inability to get a playoff win was due to boredom and has decided to challenge him by hiring Brian Schottenheimer as offensive coordinator. I don't like that team. Maybe you do. If you're a cranky old man, the NFC East also has...  The New York Giants Your 2022: 9-7-1 and 3rd-place in the NFC East doesn't sound amazing but it was an INCREDIBLE turnaround from a horrific 2021. Brian Daboll decided to gently break in his new team by winning some games but not too many. A far cry from former coach Joe Judge's policy of shrugging at his record and demanding you do some push ups, you loser. The Giants won their wild card round game against the Minnesota Vikings and decided it would be funnier to see the Eagles lose the Super Bowl than make any effort to get there themselves. Key Departures: WR Kenny Golladay was released. In all fairness to him it's hard to catch a football when your hands are occupied by enormous bags of cash. This move means that the half of the Giants locker room reserved for his scrooge McDuck tank can now be renovated into lockers for other players. Key Acquisitions and Signings: TE Tommy Sweeney. You laugh now but... no, wait you're right. Also they got Darren Waller apparently. Also signed to a huge, 4-year $160 million dollar contract with $92 mil guaranteed was RB Denial Jones, whose 700 yards rushing may not seem impressive but who outgained the Giants supposed #1 back Saquon Barkley a whopping 5.9 ypc to 4.4. Jones, who was reportedly a QB in college, has also been known to sling the ball from time to time. You can see why the G-men might be hesitant to sign Barkley to anything more than a 1-year, $10 mil deal. Draft Capital in 2023 1 - 25 2 - 57 3 - 89 4 - 128 5 - 160 5 - 172 6 - 209 (KC) 7 - 240 (BAL) 7 - 243 7 - 254 Needs: A quarterback. Daboll did the equivalent of getting to the AirBnB and making dinner for a family of four with only what the previous renters left in the cupboards. That's great, but now he needs to restock that cupboard and leave something for the next occupant to brush the dust off. There are plenty of Jamison Crowders and Parris Campbells and entire Giants defenses lurking in the cabinets of rental properties. The Giants need something a little fresher. They have a lot of picks in the later rounds and some of those are going to have to pan out because this is nowhere near a complete team and could easily see a dip from last year. Your 2023 Season: You have to think that a playoff win gets Daboll a lot of leeway right now. I think they could end a couple wins short of their 2022 result and not worry too much about it. Ideally you'd want a return to the playoffs but I don't see that in the cards. Did you know Cards is also something some people call the Cardinals, one of the NFLs bird teams? If you like bird teams, you might prefer...  The Philadelphia Eagles Your 2022 Season: 14-3 division champs and a narrow Super Bowl loss. Most fans were pretty reasonable about it as the 2017 SB win emptied a lot of very blue balls. Sucks but  Jalen Hurts took a big step forward and the talent on offense all clicked. The defense had its ups and downs and sacked the poo poo out of opposing QBs but was shaky against the run and sucked out loud in the Super Bowl which, as previously mentioned, the Eagles reached last year.Key Departures: Miles Sanders has been an unheralded part of the Eagles running game and is now on the Panthers. Personally I dislike the move but with how RB talent is treated, it's not a huge shock. The defense has lost CJ Gardner-Johnson at safety, Javon Hargrave at DT, Kyzir White and TJ Edwards at LB, defensive coordinator Jonathan Gannon (which may be addition by subtraction) and all self respect after signing Matt Patricia to some bullshit defensive role. Golden God Gardner Minshew was also let go and has been scooped up by the Colts. Also on the Colts, former offensive coordinator Shane Steichen has signed on to be their new HC. A lot of old defensive line guy depth was lost with Ndamukong Suh, Linval Jospeh and Robert Quinn all being let go. Key Acquisitions and Signings: Matt Patricia is key to ensuring that fans have someone to blame if the defense turns to poo poo this year, and is a good tool to have for alienating Pro Bowl CB Darius Slay, who they re-signed before hiring Fat Matt because can you imagine that working the other way around. Also sticking around is fellow (all-pro) DB James Bradberry. At RB, Philly has added Rashad Penny to a short-term contract; probably about 3 football games and 14 hospital stays. Jason Kelce and Lane Johnson are both back on the o-line on one-year deals, as are Brandon Graham and Fletcher Cox on the defensive line. Marcus Mariota is now the Eagles backup QB. Probably a better fit scheme wise to what they do but he's a backup QB. Your new OC and DC are Brian Johnson and Sean Desai, respectively. Maybe they thought Patricia would be good experience for the young Desai, but what does experience matter if all his experience is in being poo poo?Draft Capital in 2023: 1 - 10 (N.O) 1 - 30 2 - 62 3 - 94 7 - 219 (MIN) 7 - 248 Fewer picks than the other teams in the division, but they have two first rounders and a lot fewer holes. Needs: Not a whole lot for 2023 but Philly will need to get younger on the lines going forward. Jason Kelce has decided to come back for one more year at center, and they theoretically have Cam Jurgens waiting in the wings to take over that slot, but you also have Lane Johnson who seems to always be playing injured. On defense, the aforementioned Graham and Cox are 35 and 32, respectively. I hope they're not comfortable just running out a backfield of Penny, Gainwell and Boston Scott. Safety is also a question mark. Your 2023 Season: It's a well put together squad with enough draft capital to shore up it's weak spots, so its deep playoff run or bust. Anything less is a disappointment. Also not that there's reason to doubt, but we need to see Hurts play at a top-5 level again this year and confirm he's the guy he was in 2022. Maybe you don't like Eagles. Maybe you don't like anything, not even yourself. In that case, you might be a fan of...  The Washington Football Team Your 2022: Yeah yeah, the team name is supposedly the Commanders as of last year, but who the hell cares? It's a name so bland that even though it sucks nobody is outraged. Although it may help that the (now former) owner is so thoroughly reviled for being cartoonishly evil that it's tough to care about the team itself. Going 8-8-1 in 2022, the team finally managed their first non-losing record since 2016, when they went a blistering 8-7-1. This is the only team in the NFC East not to go the playoffs last year. Key Departures: Dan Snyder was found too repugnant to own a football team by thirty other billionaires and is finally selling off the team, leaving room for tepid celebration in Washington by any fans that may yet remain. It's like all the poo poo in you colon being disgusted by a particular turd. Also let go from the organization is Carson Wentz, who somehow managed to net the Colts a pair of draft picks despite playing like rear end and reportedly acting like one all the time. Is there anyone else? Damned if I know. Who pays attention to this clown show? Key Acquisitions and Signings: Eric Bienemy replaces Scott Turner at OC and finally has a chance to prove himself away from Andy Reid's girthy shadow. I guess other than that uhhhhh, they re-signed Daron Payne to a 4-year, $90 million contract. Draft Capital in 2023 1 - 16 2 - 47 3 - 97 4 - 118 5 - 150 6 - 193 6 - 215 7 - 233 That third-rounder there is a comp pick. Their original one went to the Colts to secure Carson Wentz.  Needs: Hoo-boy. The WFT badly needs a QB unless you believe that Sam Howell is truly the answer. The team plugged the backup QB hole (vacated by Taylor Heinecke) with Jacoby Brisset, who's an adequate guy but obviously not intended to be there long term. Their skill position guys aren't the worst but TE Logan Thomas is long in the tooth and probably cooked. The defense was supposed to be good last year but that never really happened, and while the D-line looks good on paper, it sure as hell didn't produce. Off the line there just aren't a lot of names that inspire confidence. Your 2023 Season: Hit on a bunch of your draft picks and hope that Bienemy is every bit the tactician that Andy Reid was and maybe you compete for a wild card. This does not look like a team that's going to have a massive one-year turnaround. Ron Rivera is a known quantity and you have to wonder if maybe Bienemy is auditioning to be the next HC.
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Apr 24, 2023 18:23
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People who close threads without linking to the new thread in the last post should be perma-banned.
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Apr 24, 2023 18:36
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Eagles going to draft an RB in the first round
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Apr 24, 2023 18:37
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gently caress the Cowboys All Hail  CLOWNBALL
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Apr 24, 2023 18:37
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Hurts is so good idk if it’s even a clown ball division anymore. Maybe the other two teams can carry the clown ball for a few years
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Apr 24, 2023 18:39
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gently caress THE COWBOYS FOREVER AND EVER
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Apr 24, 2023 18:41
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euphronius posted:Hurts is so good idk if it’s even a clown ball division anymore. Maybe the other two teams can carry the clown ball for a few years do not be ashamed of clownball it is our calling card and the whole division is better for it "  waaa waaa why do NFC East teams get all the prime time games instead of my boring cardboard dogshit team????"and then Tony Romo would throw a missile that boomerangs back into his balls only for a fat guy to pick up the fumble and run it back 95 yards for a TD. the game ends in a tie. Art.
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Apr 24, 2023 18:46
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYP6SJyixBo
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Apr 24, 2023 18:49
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euphronius posted:Hurts is so good idk if it’s even a clown ball division anymore. Sure it is. Just means the Eagles are the dean of the clown college now
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Apr 24, 2023 18:52
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Outlier year against a cupcake schedule in an already weak NFC. We're all plummeting next year having to play the AFC and NFC West.
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Apr 24, 2023 18:59
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i am excited to see what heinously stupid bullshit the 2023 season has in store for all of us
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Apr 24, 2023 19:22
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fartknocker posted:gently caress the Cowboys
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Apr 24, 2023 19:38
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Ayy OP please edit the link to this thread in the closing post of this thread and link back to the old one in this old, it's nice to relive old times bud
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Apr 24, 2023 20:12
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As much as I love jalen hurts and this team there was something I did enjoy about low stakes clown ball and not getting my heart broken lol. I'm over the SB loss now at least. Not sure when it happened but I was pretty sad about it for a few weeks!!!
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Apr 24, 2023 20:14
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Jalen = not a clown. He’s a prince and perfect Washington = I don’t know if they have a QB Dallas = the Clown of Clowns, Clownman the Clown
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Apr 24, 2023 20:16
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Every NFC East QB has to be down to clown, otherwise they’re traded out of the division.
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Apr 24, 2023 20:19
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fartknocker posted:Every NFC East QB has to be down to clown, otherwise they’re traded out of the division.
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Apr 24, 2023 20:24
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euphronius posted:Jalen = not a clown. He’s a prince and perfect  welcome back
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Apr 24, 2023 20:29
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tough poll to answer. are the cowboys truly disappointing if they lose a whole bunch of games?
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Apr 24, 2023 21:37
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Quiet Feet posted:Dak Prescott, who is easily a top-15 or top -16 QB in this league. Well, Well, Well, looks like someone has challenged me to do a little Postin'..
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Apr 24, 2023 22:03
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The Dave posted:People who close threads without linking to the new thread in the last post should be perma-banned. It was to try an keep Euphronius from finding the new thread but it didn't work.
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Apr 24, 2023 22:04
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Why would you not want the most correct poster on eagles qb topics.
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Apr 24, 2023 22:06
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Doltos had no issue finding this thread 
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Apr 24, 2023 22:09
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Shut this thread down
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Apr 24, 2023 22:11
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I just noticed the huge effort OP . That’s wild
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Apr 24, 2023 22:12
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The Eagles will win the Superbowl.
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Apr 24, 2023 22:29
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euphronius posted:I just noticed the huge effort OP . That’s wild No team in the NFC East is worth that amount of words.
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Apr 24, 2023 22:53
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Cartoon Man posted:No team in the NFC East is worth that amount of words. Counterpoint: Clownball deserves all that and more.
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Apr 24, 2023 23:07
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The Cowboys? gently caress 'em
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Apr 24, 2023 23:13
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Cartoon Man posted:No team in the NFC East is worth that amount of words.
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Apr 25, 2023 00:14
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Nice OP! Good hustle.
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Apr 25, 2023 00:53
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Dak is almost definitely probably most likely a top 33 QB in the NFL.
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Apr 25, 2023 03:41
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Nervous posted:Dak is almost definitely probably most likely a top 33 QB in the NFL. Until the draft
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Apr 25, 2023 04:01
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Cartoon Man posted:No team in the NFC East is worth that amount of words. If it makes you feel any better they're not very good words. RoastBeef posted:The Cowboys? Also this.
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Apr 25, 2023 04:01
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Very good OP, thank you.
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Apr 25, 2023 13:53
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Take your NFL team, The quarterback and choose two wide receivers (I guess you can do tight ends or cornerbacks or safeties) In a 3 on 3 game against the top players for your local NBA franchise, does your team of football players even score a point? So it's Dak Prescott. I'm a CD Lamb, and Brandon Cooks versus Luca doncic, Christian Wood and Kyrie Irving. I don't think there's any way. They don't score a single point.
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Apr 25, 2023 13:55
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I think it honestly might be big dumb. Daniel Jones backing down Jalen brunson in the paint lol
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Apr 25, 2023 13:57
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Micah Parsons can go one on one with some NBA players, I think. He’s the best baller on the Cowboys. He can beat anyone on the team 1 on 1.
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Apr 25, 2023 14:18
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Would've been a different question a few years ago with noted basketball legend Nick Foles at the helm
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Apr 25, 2023 14:20
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Blazrgh I hope you have a great spring and summer, friend  because of the untold horrors awaiting you in the fall/winter
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Apr 25, 2023 14:28
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