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I’ve been pulling off double shifts at the toilet store, busting my rear end, and now it’s finally all settled. You see, I was picked for a contestant on Jeopardy! and man, I thought I had that poo poo in the bag. God I was so nervous for the show. I toked up a fatty by the loading dock beforehand, and as I was walking by the green room a bloke waved me in. They were passing around a decorative silver mirror with chopped up caffeine pills on it, coffee maker was busted. Probably a prop from Days of our Lives or something. I had heard rumors of Alex Trebeck being a wildman off set and I wanted to live up to the image. No sooner do I blast a rail off this thing does Trebeck amble in behind me, gently grasping my shoulders, and leans in with a breathy note, breath smelling of tic tacs and cottage cheese, and says to me “be sure you can handle your drugs, fella”. I almost poo poo, but tightened my sphincter and with resolved constitution entered into a zone of lazer focused awareness. I felt confident, like all the scholastic, rhetorical, and trivial knowledge of my life was osmotically being an absorbed into my body like a warm, radiant light. I walked out onto the set and it felt like everything was destiny, like I had the prowess of a lion and the muted cheers would carry me to a higher realm of gameplay. Well you know what? Apparently “what are the dark arts?” is not the answer to every Jeopardy question. Yeah I am extremely good on the buzzer, I click a pen all day at my receptionist job at the 24 hour toilet store. Total domination of the board, dangerous levels of abstract reasoning while stoned. Turns out Jeopardy! is really about their money. I ended up about $22k in debt to the show from all the wrong answers, in addition to my outburst when I couldn’t participate in the Daily Double. Trebeck was backstage and gracious enough to let me sign up for a payment plan. I knew the next few years were going to be hell at the Toilet Store, but I actually feared this tall Canadian man’s wrath a little. And with good reason. After the show he would just pop up places I go. I’d be riding my bike in the mornings and he would cut me off at the same place in his grey joggers and hood and wave to me. When I was eating some moons over my hammy at Dennys he would come in and run the back of his hand gently on the nape of my neck. I had to call him “mr trebeck” if I ever had anything to say to him. Happy to say I can call him Alex now. I don’t see him anywhere near as often lately. Sometimes I still watch jeopardy! and think about things. I saw Alex in the mall and got up the courage to walk over and talk to him. The only words could think of were “what are the dark arts, alex?” To which he replied “if ya gotta ask you’ll never know”  
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May 17, 2023 15:12
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| # ¿ May 11, 2024 16:47 |
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Jillian poo poo posted:Simpsons did it first Son of a bitch. 
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May 17, 2023 15:32
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Panic! At The Tesco posted:tell alex he owes me 3.5g of decent weed Be careful, he is deep into the dark arts. 
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May 17, 2023 15:43
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Peggy Edson posted:Alex Trebek is dead, I regret to inform you Then who the gently caress did I just give 22K to? GODDAMN YOU DARK ARTS!!! 
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May 17, 2023 16:04
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You guys know nothing of the dark arts  , and I pity you.
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May 17, 2023 16:32
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BAGS FLY AT NOON posted:Alex is just preparing clam to be Jeopardy’s next host, which is a move of pure genius imo Yeah the contestants will be all like “uhuhuh bwuhhuh what is Boston, MA?” And I’ll be like “what you don’t know you loving idiot? The answer is right up there on the loving board, they already gave you the answer. Stop asking me questions you loving tit.” 
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May 17, 2023 18:16
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LaserPrinter69 posted:why does Jeopardy have a loading dock There are like 33 TVs they gotta schlep every time. 
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May 17, 2023 18:19
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| # ¿ May 11, 2024 16:47 |
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AARD VARKMAN posted:Why does the 24 hr toilet store have a receptionist By appointment only. (We let you try b4 u buy!) 
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May 17, 2023 22:51
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