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I will vote for Tank Abbot in the Tank Abbot tournament. Every time. No exceptions.
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Jun 19, 2023 16:37
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Testekill posted:Which is why Derrick Lewis will win in the end, he simply just stands up while being grappled on the ground so he can get back to punching. Lewis vs Cabbage appealed to me because you can't simply cover a tank and render it pacified nor would a tank crumble from an initial volley of strikes. Also if Original Tank Abbott becomes the Tank Abbott Tournament Champion, would he not be considered the Undisputed Tank Abbott, creating a paradox in which he is simultaneously the Tankiest Tank but also antithetical to Tankism? Schrödinger's Tank...
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Jun 20, 2023 03:38
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  Wesley "Cabbage" Correira, the Iron-Skull Abbott, has been eliminated. We will have one more exhibition bout for your entertainment today while our fighters prepare for the final.
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Jun 20, 2023 10:06
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In our next vote we will crown the final champion and runner-up of the Tank Abbott Tournament, but every prestigious competition needs a bronze medalist. I was, initially, going to simply pick the semifinal loser with the most votes--for the record, that would have been Jimmy Ambriz with 16 to Cabbage's 14--but that methodology ultimately dissatisfied me because it's loving boring. This is the Tank Abbott Tournament. No one is handed anything. Everyone who got past the first round is a worthy competitor. Everyone's gotta have one last fight. Everyone will participate in: THE THIRD PLACE CONSOLATION BATTLE ROYALE  You already know all of these fighters, so rather than a bio, we're going to touch base with how they're doing now. Your contestants, presented in order of elimination, are: HENRY "SENTORYU" MILLER, THE SUMO ABBOTT Viciously kicked out of the tournament at an overwhelming 79% margin by the placid fists of Cabbage Correira, Henry Miller is very, very tired, but he vows to use the prize money from his victory to get stem cell therapy for his knees, his arms, his spine and his hairline so he can go back to sumo and try to become Yokozuna one last time. He's very excited for one more shot at the bigtime. We have yet to tell him there is no prize money. MARK HUNT, THE WALK-OFF ABBOTT Eliminated in a heartbreakingly close 53% vote by Tank Abbott himself, Mark Hunt went home to play Counter-Strike and prepare for more celebrity boxing matches against rugby players who are incredibly famous past the Atlantic Ocean and utterly unrecognizable to Americans. When informed that people voted against him to spare him the indignity of being a Tank he texted back "dont tell me what to do u fuckbois" and stopped responding. ALEXANDRU LUNGU, THE JUDO ABBOTT Alexandru Lungu, after a strong early showing, was absolutely crushed in the quarterfinal, losing 83% of the vote to Jimmy Ambriz. Lungu's advisors told him he could have been more successful if he'd chosen to use any of his judo skills instead of swinging away at every opponent in front of him; he replied by windmilling threateningly at them for roughly twenty seconds, at which point he was too tired to continue. BUTTERBEAN, THE TOUGHMAN ABBOTT Butterbean was the last quarterfinalist eliminated, ultimately falling to Derrick Lewis and his 70% of the ballot. After riding around in his fake TV cop car for a few days to feel better Butterbean admitted he was never going to win the tournament because he wasn't serious enough about mixed martial arts. He's now training for the International Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Federation Championship and plans to re-debut at middleweight. JIMMY AMBRIZ, THE NO DOUBT ABBOTT The Titan put up a stronger fight than anyone could have expected, but Derrick Lewis felled him from the semifinals with 62% of the vote. You'd think Jimmy would Ache about the result, but as it turns out, he's more than ready to Move On. After a lifetime of fighting, losing this tournament was just another Sunday Morning for him, and he wants a Simple Kind of Life. He called his Ex-Girlfriend to reconnect and Settle Down. WESLEY "CABBAGE" CORREIRA, THE IRON-SKULL ABBOTT Wesley Correira made an accounting for himself in his semifinal bout with Tank Abbott, but was ultimately still trounced by a 69% margin. You might think this is nice, but it's not, because Wesley does not know the fight is over. He is still in the cage, half-conscious and wobbling, waiting for a chance to throw punches back at Tank and win the ballot. His management is hopeful that he will, eventually, wake up and go home.  CAST YOUR VOTE
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Jun 20, 2023 20:30
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I'm happy jimmy ambriz has found peace and I hope his reconnection with his ex goes well
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Jun 20, 2023 21:46
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If Sentoryu has a million fans, I am one of them. If Sentoryu has one fan, that fan is me.
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Jun 21, 2023 00:08
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Beeswax posted:I will vote for Tank Abbot in the Tank Abbot tournament. Every time. No exceptions. Sorry, but nothing would be more Tank Abbott than Tank Abbott coming in second in the "who is the most Tank Abbott" tournament.
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Jun 21, 2023 03:13
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Pb and Jellyfish posted:Sorry, but nothing would be more Tank Abbott than Tank Abbott coming in second in the "who is the most Tank Abbott" tournament. Seriously, it's going to be glorious when it happens.
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Jun 21, 2023 04:48
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Pb and Jellyfish posted:Sorry, but nothing would be more Tank Abbott than Tank Abbott coming in second in the "who is the most Tank Abbott" tournament. I disagree. Tank is the most Tank
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Jun 21, 2023 07:27
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If you are more Tank than Tank you are not Tank. If you are less Tank than Tank you are not Tank. This entire tournament exists only to establish that Tank Abbott is Tank Abbott.
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Jun 21, 2023 09:59
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Beeswax posted:I disagree. Tank is the most Tank Would you say that he is fight?
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Jun 21, 2023 12:30
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdqoNKCCt7A  Alexandru Lungu, disgraced, went off to form a professional wrestling tag team with Jan Nortje as The People No One Votes For. They're main-eventing a card in Paleu against Bully Ray and Crazzy Steve. They have yet to sell any tickets.   Sentoryu was initally going to retire after yet another terrible loss, but bolstered by the emotional support of fans like Xerzes, he decided to return to Sumo just to prove to himself that he still belonged. He'll make it to Makushita any day now.   Wesley Correira still is still dancing the cabbage patch in an undisclosed location and his family is very worried. If you see him, please call.   Undaunted by his third-place finish in the third-place contest, Butterbean finished his jiu-jitsu training just like he promised, got a rematch twenty years in the making against grappling ace Genki Sudo, and submitted him with a gogoplata. He's grappling Cyborg Abreu in the no-drug-testing division of ADCC next.   Against all odds, Jimmy Ambriz and his ex worked out their problems and got back together. An unnamed country singer is very upset, but the world is happier this way.   Mark Hunt visibly could not be happier to be the third best Tank Abbott in the world. There will be one observed day of rest. Our championship match will commence on Friday and our climactic vote will last through the weekend.
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Jun 22, 2023 10:49
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Beautiful.
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Jun 22, 2023 18:23
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Hunt Was RobbedCarlCX posted:
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Jun 22, 2023 18:27
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Beautiful stuff, congrats to Hunt on ending the tournament only one spot behind the actual Tank Abbott!
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Jun 23, 2023 05:30
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Did Hunt ever mock a fallen opponent? Perhaps the classy walk off is the greatest taunt.
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Jun 23, 2023 05:56
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Halloween Jack posted:Did Hunt ever mock a fallen opponent? Perhaps the classy walk off is the greatest taunt. he made a funny face after koing frank mir but I dont think his intentions were bad.
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Jun 23, 2023 06:06
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  TANK ABBOTT vs DERRICK LEWIS IN THE RED CORNER:  DAVID "TANK" ABBOTT 6'0" / 250 lbs Retired at 10-15 Winning ratio: 40% Victory method ratio: 70% KO, 20% SUB, 10% DEC Unsuccessfully fought for the UFC Heavyweight Championship and the King of the Cage Superfight Championship, held a knife to a man's throat on a WCW pay-per-view Best win: Paul Varelans Worst loss: Ruben Villareal Record against other Abbotts: Both won and lost against Wesley Correira This tournament began with Tank Abbott, and it was inevitable that it would end with Tank Abbott. Tank fought his way through a broad spectrum of candidates, from the walking zombie that simultaneously was and still is Dada 5000, to the man many saw as his heir apparent, Mark Hunt, and finally a man he punched in the face even harder digitally than he did in real life, Wesley "Cabbage" Correira. And, y'know, of course he did. Maybe it was hubris to ever assume Tank Abbott could fail to reach the finals of the Tank Abbott Tournament. But now that he's here, will he win? Or is failing too central to his whole basis as a being and a philosophy? IN THE BLUE CORNER:  DERRICK "THE BLACK BEAST" LEWIS 6'3" / 265 lbs Active at 26-11 (1) Winning ratio: 68% Victory method ratio: 81% KO, 4% SUB, 15% DEC Won and defended the Legacy FC heavyweight championship, unsuccessfully challenged for the UFC heavyweight championship twice Best win: Francis Ngannou Worst loss: Matt Mitrione Record against other Abbotts: Beat Roy Nelson, lost to Tai Tuivasa and Mark Hunt Derrick Lewis was as big a favorite within the tournament as he is in life, but his path through the bracket was anything but easy. In the round of sixteen he did battle with Zuluzinho, one of the most notorious freakshow fighters in the history of the sport; in the quarterfinal he met the pop culture icon called Butterbean; in the semifinal he was forced to fell the biggest dark horse of the tournament, Jimmy Ambriz. He did it all. He punched his ticket to the final. And now he has to try to punch through the mold that gave shape to the tournament and, indeed, his entire career. A multitude of our voters have referred to him as Tank 2.0: Can he live up to the concept?  It's easy to say now, but in some ways, it seems obvious that we wound up here. There are a number of fighters in the bracket who had a claim on being the heir to the Tank empire--Mark Hunt, Tai Tuivasa, Roy Nelson, even Butterbean had a case--but they all had some level of discontinuity in their approach. Tuivasa was too universally successful. Roy Nelson was too well-rounded. Mark Hunt was too seasoned and patient. Derrick Lewis was always a visible and probable heir. Of all the alternatives in this tournament, he best carries its spirit into the modern age: Brawling, punching, forgoing your skills when you should probably rely on them, being consistently held back by your own body and conditioning while also relying on its naturally-given power to keep yourself afloat. Derrick Lewis is his fists. His proclivity for beating people senseless nearly took his life away, and he parlayed their love of violence into a career instead. And Tank Abbott is, of course, Tank Abbott. At this point in the proceedings it feels almost superfluous to bother describing him. This tournament is his. It was created for him. The entire philosophical concept of the Tank Abbott Curse bears the indelible marks of the career he left in mixed martial arts, positive and negative alike. The archetype of the heavyweight brawler would have died with Steve Jennum and Jon Hess were it not for Tank Abbott's popularity and memorability keeping it alive in a sea of grapplers and kickboxers. Hell, to some extent it feels superfluous to describe EITHER of these men. We've been over them repeatedly in the course of this tournament, there are no depths in their careers left to excavate. To some extent, they aren't even men or martial artists anymore. They're archetypes. They're two differing points in a fossil record, and we are archaeologists deciding if dinosaurs had feathers. At the outset of this tournament, we laid out a specific set of qualifiers. CarlCX posted:Quality matters. Successfully knocking people out matters. But being Tank Abbott has never been about just being the best. Being Tank Abbott is about commitment. But it's that fifth clause that we haven't really talked about. The Tank Abbott curse is built around restriction--the restrictions inherent to being a poor, limited brawler, doomed to be destroyed by better athletes, better fighters, better-conditioned people who take the sport more seriously. Its terms are set in stone, and they have yet to be fulfilled, and no reexamining of the archetype will break the lock that is molded firmly in the image of Tank Abbott. And yet: Every curse is a cautionary tale pleading to be ignored. Every curse dreams of the freedom of being broken. No one has yet come closer than Derrick Lewis to breaking the glass and setting free the souls of every barroom brawler who's ever wondered about the quiet, nagging assurance in the back of their head that, you know, I bet I could beat up Nick Diaz. The most popular phrase towards the end of this tournament has been "Tank 2.0" and the thought experiment that entails. What constitutes a better Tank? Is it less wrestling, or a bigger gas tank, or a less odious persona? And how far can you go into that improvement before you become so unmoored from your initial Tankdom that you lose that connection to your philosophical roots? How many times can a Tank win before they stop being a Tank? How many title shots can a Tank get before they're too established to be a perpetual loser? Derrick Lewis once knocked out Travis Browne, Ronda Rousey's soon-to-be-husband who'd been accused of domestic assault, and talked about womanbeaters as the lowest of the low. Tank Abbott, at the height of Rousey's popularity, responded to the UFC's claims of her ability to compete with men by offering to beat her up for free and force her to make him a sandwich. Can a Tank be a good person, or does their lifelong adherence to violence necessitate vice? If a Tank journeys too far into the light, can they return to the dark? Is Derrick Lewis a better form of the Tank we knew back in the nineties? Or is the concept of a better Tank so inherently exclusory to the concept, and is its necessary and socially unacceptable misanthropic love for violence so rooted in the unique idiocy of the 1990s that Tank Abbott, with his giant gut and his Jim Neidhart beard and his total inability to maintain a fighting pace for more than three minutes of fury, is still the only model that can dishonorably bear the name? This is the moment of decision. Who, in your heart of hearts, do you want a Tank Abbott to be? CAST YOUR VOTE, ONE LAST TIME
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Jun 23, 2023 23:42
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The write-up convinced me to vote for goodness
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Jun 24, 2023 00:03
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it's said that it would be funniest if tank abbott came in second place. well i say it's funnier if tank abbott wins the tournament for being tank abbott, because absolutely anything else is expected while everyone's so busy pretending otherwise. i don't stand for fake stuff. i hate anything that is a little made up storyline and isn't 100% real.
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Jun 24, 2023 00:09
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thanks for this whole tournament, it’s been a pleasure to read and to participate in. cast my vote for lewis because it’s very abbott to come close but fall short of the pinnacle, and also because that compilation of lewis just standing up was one of the most impressive videos I’ve seen in this subforum
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Jun 24, 2023 00:16
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Derrick Lewis, who defied the laws of physics (ju jitsu) to return to brawling, who looked like a layman trying to understand quantum calculus when faced with Cyril Gane's approach of "throw strikes that aren't just punches", and who threw his cup into the crowd in the hopes that it become an NFT, is the true heir. Tank was a fantasy to fat, lovely, misogynistic assholes that they could beat true athletes, Derrick represents that fantasy to all people. He embodies the dream for everyone that if you are strong enough, determined enough, and fat enough, you too can achieve middling success on the world stage. He is the Tank 2.0, the better Tank, the Tank for the people, ALL the people. Where Derrick was baffled by skilled fighters, Tank was afraid of them. While Derrick admired female athletes, Tank feared that their success would taint his place in the world. Tank became mean because he could be, Derrick became tough because he had to be. Tank was always a bully, Derrick was always himself. Lewis all the way
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Jun 24, 2023 00:28
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Voted Lewis because Just Stand Up and what pb and jellyfish said
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Jun 24, 2023 00:54
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Voted for Derrick Lewis because his balls was hot.
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Jun 24, 2023 01:14
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Pb and Jellyfish posted:Derrick Lewis, who defied the laws of physics (ju jitsu) to return to brawling, who looked like a layman trying to understand quantum calculus when faced with Cyril Gane's approach of "throw strikes that aren't just punches", and who threw his cup into the crowd in the hopes that it become an NFT, is the true heir. Tank was a fantasy to fat, lovely, misogynistic assholes that they could beat true athletes, Derrick represents that fantasy to all people. He embodies the dream for everyone that if you are strong enough, determined enough, and fat enough, you too can achieve middling success on the world stage. He is the Tank 2.0, the better Tank, the Tank for the people, ALL the people. i agree and change my vote
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Jun 24, 2023 01:40
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Lewis looking to cut Tank's beard.
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Jun 24, 2023 02:16
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CommonShore posted:The write-up convinced me to vote for goodness
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Jun 24, 2023 02:33
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Great final write-up, and I agree so much with a lot of what has been posted since. Derrick Lewis all the way, a better Tank for a hopefully better world 
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Jun 24, 2023 02:37
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CarlCX posted:Derrick Lewis once knocked out Travis Browne, Ronda Rousey's soon-to-be-husband who'd been accused of domestic assault, and talked about womanbeaters as the lowest of the low. Tank Abbott, at the height of Rousey's popularity, responded to the UFC's claims of her ability to compete with men by offering to beat her up for free and force her to make him a sandwich. Can a Tank be a good person, or does their lifelong adherence to violence necessitate vice? If a Tank journeys too far into the light, can they return to the dark? At every vote, i keep going back to that tidbit that Tank's self insert character had a dog named Adolf. I like Lewis and ultimately don't want to compare him in terms of Tankness.
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Jun 24, 2023 02:41
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CarlCX's last post really helped me get my thoughts together as to why I voted for Lewis vs Tank (and why I voted for Hunt last round) - Lewis doesn't just embody most of the traits of Tank, he improves upon them. Tank was doughy yet could beat the brakes off of people... but so can Lewis against better overall competition. Tank built a reputation off of putting a pounding on people yet he wasn't above taking a fight to the ground and going for submissions. Meanwhile, Lewis has decided on more than one occasion that the best response to someone trying to grapple him on the ground is to Just Stand Up so that he can get back to clubbering. Plus, what better way could there be for Lewis to usher in the New Tank era than by defeating the original when the stakes are highest?
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Jun 24, 2023 04:09
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all the great reasons to vote for derrick lewis to beat tank abbott are exceptionally well-reasoned and bring a tear to the eye because the good guy can really take it to the true piece of poo poo. then you look at what he's winning and it's to be tank abbott
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Jun 24, 2023 04:16
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Cavauro posted:all the great reasons to vote for derrick lewis to beat tank abbott are exceptionally well-reasoned and bring a tear to the eye because the good guy can really take it to the true piece of poo poo. then you look at what he's winning and it's to be tank abbott lmfao. i voted for Lewis one of my favorites. The write ups are really very nice everyone.
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Jun 24, 2023 04:47
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ultimately, voted for lewis. you can be a lovely fighter but you don't have to be an (entirely) lovely person also lmao just stand up what the gently caress is jiu jitsu
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Jun 24, 2023 05:15
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Just Stand Up feels like a pinnacle in refusing to use technique.
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Jun 24, 2023 05:26
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Captain Foo posted:ultimately, voted for lewis. you can be a lovely fighter but you don't have to be an (entirely) lovely person This is the Tank tournament though, not the who deserves to break the Tank curse tournament.
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Jun 24, 2023 06:14
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Big Coffin Hunter posted:Just Stand Up feels like a pinnacle in refusing to use technique. It shows absolute dedication to the Tao of Tank: Just Punch Real Hard.
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Jun 24, 2023 10:06
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Tank Abbott wants to be Mark Lewis when he grows up.
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Jun 24, 2023 11:24
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Big Coffin Hunter posted:Just Stand Up feels like a pinnacle in refusing to use technique. If I had the skills I would turn Just Stand Up into the Just Walk Out ShareZone meme Just Stand Up You Can Leave! armbars headlocks guillotines gogoplatas leglocks rear mount usada drug tests cardio sessions If it stinks...hit da bricks!
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Jun 24, 2023 16:20
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Sad to see the Most Tank competition being turned into a mere popularity contest. Tank Abbot is certainly a worse person than Derrick Lewis. But he is also, by far, more Tank Abbot. A dark day for democracy indeed.
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Jun 24, 2023 19:11
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Beeswax posted:Sad to see the Most Tank competition being turned into a mere popularity contest. Tank Abbot is certainly a worse person than Derrick Lewis. But he is also, by far, more Tank Abbot. It is the most Tank thing to come up just short
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Jun 24, 2023 19:44
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