i'm an over 50 ex-con new to the internet. teach me your ways

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > The Goodmine > i'm an over 50 ex-con new to the internet. teach me your ways

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

let's see this is either insane rereg guy trying a new schtick or an earnest new poster in 2023

# ¿ May 23, 2023 17:28

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# ¿ May 9, 2024 21:36

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

harveys zoo zoos posted:

yes i can

i killed my stepfather. he sexually abused my older sister for a long time. she didn't tell anyone for a long time because she was afraid of him. our mother divorced him for other reasons and then my sister told us what happened. she killed herself soon after. when i found out i planned to make him kill himself by hanging. i broke into his house and waited for him to come home. i had the noose ready and a gun. i held him at gunpoint and made him put the noose around his neck and told him i would kill him if he didnt kill himself. the rope broke and he fell and we fought so i had to shoot him. i buried him on a neighbor's farm but his body was found a month later. i made mistakes and they found out i did it.

well uh

# ¿ May 23, 2023 18:10

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Jillian poo poo posted:

Probably too late now, but you can use the internet to find the best quality rope for your murdering needs. Click here to find out more! https://www.gadgetreview.com/best-rope

the gently caress is wrong with you?

# ¿ May 23, 2023 18:16

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Konar posted:

Phone games are all bad, they were good for like 3 years but now they are universally trash.

they were always bad but were novel for the first few years

# ¿ May 23, 2023 19:04

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

harveys zoo zoos posted:

what is this robot that is making these lists that sounds cool

the ai from the terminator is real, except it hasn't reached the stage of self-awareness and killing all humans yet

# ¿ May 23, 2023 19:17

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

elmer chud posted:

No one actually thinks the OP is true right?

who gives a poo poo

# ¿ May 24, 2023 17:40

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

harveys zoo zoos posted:

am i posting too much and should i stop

# ¿ May 24, 2023 17:41

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

M_Gargantua posted:

I think normally that would be a permanent ban. Odd situation where its on the back end instead though. Kinda like watching a 100,000 hour probation expire.

according to this poster, joke probations are illegal.

case closed.

# ¿ May 24, 2023 20:30

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

suits were baggy in the early 00s as well

# ¿ May 25, 2023 21:03

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

harveys zoo zoos posted:

i liked pro wrestling but that was in the late 80s. what's it like today?

exactly the same except the wrestlers are generally athletes and not roided up fat dudes so the wrestling quality is considerably higher

# ¿ May 25, 2023 21:49

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Ramrod Hotshot posted:

Yeah, what uh…would happen with the foo foo (in a men’s prison)

You serious? I believe they shove it in their rear end in a top hat, op

# ¿ May 26, 2023 00:26

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Mantis42 posted:

Oh right, of course, because of the part where they're in prison.

durrrr

# ¿ May 27, 2023 22:50

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

DeeplyConcerned posted:

You know, part of having a good B S. Detector is not ringing up every single thing as bs. It's called a false positive.

Some of you are so up your own rear end. It's pathetic.

hmmm....

# ¿ May 29, 2023 14:37

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

I like to get popcorn and a blue raspberry Icee

# ¿ May 29, 2023 15:53

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Apologies if you covered this, but what security level were you incarcerated in? In my state there are I believe 5 levels of custody, with 5 being the most severe. Where does first degree murder fall on the scale?

# ¿ May 29, 2023 16:27

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

harveys zoo zoos posted:

i wanted to ask y'all

what is up with all the star wars stuff hahaha. i loved all the movies as a kid

i watched phantom menace last night and wow i uh don't know. i mean it looked good to me but there was so much dumb stuff. jar jar. what is that mess come on

cousin todd watches that boba fett show whatever it is, i don't know. but there's so much star wars now.

did people go nuts for the new trilogy when it came out

are any of the new movies really good

the prequels are george lucas sticking his head so deep in his rear end he can eat twice. episode 3 is okay

disney bought the entire franchise in 2012 and anything released since then is soulless corporate cash grab garbage

none of it is good

# ¿ May 31, 2023 15:39

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

hot cocoa on the couch posted:

lol getting really heated making tv and movie suggestions for a guy who was in jail for decades. classic gbs

lolling at all the dorks tripping over themselves to tell op about their favorite children's media

# ¿ May 31, 2023 17:39

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Dark Off posted:

Its simple really. Internet connects ppl together in good and bad, that also means that the scammer and the scammed connect way easier now they can also form groups as well. If you know MLM pyramid schemes its the same thing you get couple guys that get rich by the scam to market it and rest of the suckers will just flood in.
It has also enabled some scams to get really big. And i mean Superbowl ad's big.
Couple months ago a billion dollar crypto company called FTX went bust thats how big scams are now, and the guy running it wasnt even smart.

Another scam haven to be aware of is crowdfunding, which is basically pre-ordering product before product its even designed. (and they dont have to deliver the product if they fail)
for example water bottles that collect water from air for free which unfortunately isnt plausible.
couple legit products have come out of crowdfunding as well, but its impact has been somewhat negative.
there is a crowdfunded space game project for example that costs 5x the cost of putting thing into space.
1 rocket costing 100 million and space game costing 500 million dollars.

scams existed before op went to prison

# ¿ May 31, 2023 21:48

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

XYZAB posted:

Hey Harvey, if you get a phone call from someone claiming to be your grandson/granddaughter and they claim they've been kidnapped and the only way you're ever going to see them again is to send $5000 in iTunes gift cards to a foreign country, it's 100% legit.

yup also if you get emails from Nigerian princes telling you you're an heir and they only need $5000 to verify your identity, get on that poo poo pronto

# ¿ May 31, 2023 21:54

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

PlaysGamesWrong posted:

Giving "ironic" bad advice to someone intentionally because they might be less equipped to be able tell the difference should be a bannable offense imho, and something really has to be broken inside of you to think that's funny or even okay.

durrrr

# ¿ May 31, 2023 23:37

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

I mean jesus man this was clearly directed at the dorks writing screeds for op as if he's a newborn baby, not op himself

# ¿ May 31, 2023 23:38

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Hey op have you experienced the joy of "farting" since you've been out? You see, farting involves passing digestive gasses from your intestinal tract to relieve pressure on your insides. Be careful doing this in public however, as it can come with a nasty surprise, a horrible rotting smell! So be sure you're "in the clear" before indulging in a fart

# ¿ Jun 1, 2023 11:29

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

My dearest Mister Harvey Doo Doo,

Have you experienced the joy of "beer?" It is a liquid that comes in a can, bottle, or even straight out of a keg! I like to refer to it as "liquid bread" but that's just between the two of us bros;). There is alcohol in beer and when you start drinking it, you may get a funny feeling in your head! Don't go overboard though!! A great beer to start with is "Bud Light." Check out the "wassup" commercials on YouTube, LOL!!!

Anyway here's my favorite Russian Sunday night cartoon, please consume it in its entirety immediately

# ¿ Jun 2, 2023 11:34

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

that's an absolute A+ cat op

# ¿ Jun 3, 2023 23:44

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Friend posted:

Only thing that pings my "this guy is fake" alarm is that he already knows Musk is a dipshit. I'm a little suspicious.

Speaking of, Harvey, I rarely open twitter these days but a good thread to follow here is the PYF (post your favorite) Tweets, which is like a nice consolidated feed of usually good and funny tweets and occasionally poo poo I don't have any context for so I scroll past, and none of it requires having a Twitter account

they have the internet in prison op, it's not 1992

# ¿ Jun 4, 2023 02:48

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Friend posted:

1) he said he had limited access, hence the point of this thread
2) So do a lot of people not in prison, and yet...

limited access =/= no access

Also

Presto posted:

Also it takes like 30 seconds to figure out Musk is a dipshit.

# ¿ Jun 4, 2023 03:22

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

hmm, think I'm leaning :gas:

on this thread

# ¿ Jun 5, 2023 12:13

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Panic! At The Tesco posted:

OP why did you have to pretend fake prison man was a hero who murdered a child molester? that's the weirdest part imo

"guy who murdered a child molester out of revenge" garners more sympathy than "guy who murdered someone out of revenge"

# ¿ Jun 5, 2023 12:35

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

isaboo posted:

Welcome to the internet, Harvey. May your stay be a wholesome and productive one.

Most people here are nice and we have some seriously gifted creative types. I'm sure you'll find your place in our little community.

Since you watch a lot of TV, come chat with us in the TVIV subforum. You mentioned you like Succession, and we have a thread for it here.

Also, I would be remiss not to invite you to the best thread on this site, the sardine thread.

lol op making sure to post in their own thread to avoid suspicion and 6 minutes later posting on the alt

plaintiff posted:

Also go get a library card, wherever you are should have e-resources you can access for free with it

Cannon_Fodder posted:

OH! Get your hands on a bicycle.

If outside is doing it for you, this poo poo rules. I discovered how much I loving loved cycling in my mid-20s but it's so low-impact that it's a sport/practice I will keep doing until I croak. I can ride 50 miles and none of my joints hurt. Running destroys me.

Plus, you can get around. If you're in rural America and poor, this is a pretty good solution.

plaintiff posted:

Also go get a library card, wherever you are should have e-resources you can access for free with it

skateboardjesus posted:

Serious advice, watch some Youtube wood working videos that use pallet wood and then go pick up the amount of saws and clamps you can afford and sell stuff on facebook marketplace.
My stepdad makes stupid easy money selling garbage to rubes and he just picks pallets up from behind the dollar stores for free. Makes planters for trees and other large plants.

You can learn tons of stuff like that for free on youtube and elsewhere.

XYZAB posted:

I just realized that you may have missed out on the revelation that UFOs are real. In 2017 the US Navy admitted to chasing a bunch of them around Catalina Island in 2004 (plus at least two other incidences), and nobody knows what the gently caress they are or where they come from.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFxZEm2wMl4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpeSpA3e56A

And if UFO stuff in general is of any interest to you, this new documentary about a case that occurred in Brazil in 1996 is loving bonkers:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pE7hVSlk7Zw

I guess what I�m getting at is that you should spend some time outside at night enjoying the stars now that you are afforded that luxury, because you might see some super weird poo poo.

Also, if you haven�t seen it, Breaking Bad is the best TV show of all time.

Alan Smithee posted:

Adding to what people are saying about money definitely talk to someone you trust before making a big decision. Even to give some away. People have mentioned how cons have evolved but it�s hard to really understate how entangled they are culturally. Crypto people make themselves known for example, but you also start seeing big news companies start to push them (usually starts as them giving their crypto stories to knucklehead interns who surprise surprise are pro crypto) but you also see people lose investments from �legitimate� sources like pensions and none of them who put money in even realized where it was going

There�s also AI poo poo now but even we�re still wrapping our heads around it