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The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Creative Convention > The Thunderlounge: A Thunderdome Sidebar
 
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Fat Jesus
Jul 13, 2011

to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2023

Flyerant posted:

Anyone wanna trade Crits? I'll crit your piece if you crit mine :)

I never posted here before but if you mean the thunderdome one with the sorta Lovecraftian eldritch light being, then yeah, I liked it, wouldn't mind seeing where it went.

* # ¿ Jun 13, 2023 12:07
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# ¿ May 10, 2024 22:14
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Fat Jesus
Jul 13, 2011

to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2023

Flyerant posted:

Thank you!

I critiqued your pieces and put em below.

Thanks for that, and you're right, I probably should have thought it through a bit more, spent more time on it. The superhussein thing I probably shouldn't have posted, being political, I guess. It's just how I view people on either side of political spectrum and how they see each other in extremes. And I'm a massive LOTR nerd, very upset with amazon cause Galadriel wasn't a warrior queen girlboss dammit and I need to shut up about it. But I read it again with what you said in mind and Yeah, I could easily make it Ogres in fairyland etc. I'm lazy, Took bible names too. I shall take this to heart and endeavour to write something that isn't based on my own twisted perceptions.

* # ¿ Jun 16, 2023 04:51
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Fat Jesus
Jul 13, 2011

to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2023


 My crits are as worthless as my stories, back 2 back losses coming, probably.

* # ¿ Jun 23, 2023 08:21
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Fat Jesus
Jul 13, 2011

to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2023

curlingiron posted:

I know it's a little late for this week, but if I could offer some advice: I noticed that you've posted your stories fairly early in the week, presumably fairly soon after you've finished writing them. I would suggest waiting until closer to deadline to submit, since I've always found it valuable to sit with a piece for a little while and come back to it with fresh eyes. Sometimes on rereading you notice things that you didn't in the moment, or you find ways that you could improve. You may also want to take people up on pre-entry crit swaps like the one mentioned above, since both giving and receiving feedback will help you improve your craft. And like Anti said, don't worry too much about your crits "not being useful." All feedback is good feedback!

Also if you have Discord, I would encourage you (and anyone entering/thinking about entering TD) to join the server, since there's usually people willing to give early feedback and general advice, or even expand on crits if you feel like you need more help. Link is here: https://discord.gg/ZcgckY9d Also, if you're reading this post in the future and the link is expired, feel free to ask for a new one in this thread, or to PM me. :3:

I know it's a bit early and I'd do better to wait, but I'm not going to be around much this weekend. I wasn't going to join in but thought what the hell, write something, post it, it doesn't matter really. I think I'm getting a bit better and I'll certainly spend more time going over whatever i come up with next week. I'll check the discord thing though I've never used it so thanks. I do have a question or two.

* # ¿ Jun 24, 2023 01:43
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Fat Jesus
Jul 13, 2011

to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2023

Chernobyl Princess posted:

I'd actually love to see an edited version of the "ancient gods loving with each other's prophets" story, it's a funny concept that could really have legs!

I've put that away til I come up with a few more things, I'm sorry I posted what i now realise is nothing but a draft, and felt a bit bad people wasted their time giving it crits, I gotta start making an effort here.


Doing my third rewrite of the goblin story rn. Question! How much should I worry the reader doesn't know a singular thing about irish / celt mythology? I can't really fit another 1000 words explaining the Tuatha Dé Danann, Fomorians and such but I think it's all kinda obvious. I've already made this mistake, but blah I'll assume people have imaginations.

* # ¿ Jul 2, 2023 03:40
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Fat Jesus
Jul 13, 2011

to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2023


 Are losses scaring people away or something? I haven't been around here long enough to tell. If so all i can suggest is they heed the wisdom of my lord and savior, the macho man Randy Savage.
Death or glory.

* # ¿ Jul 5, 2023 04:45
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Fat Jesus
Jul 13, 2011

to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2023


 Shame I probably won't do the current prompt, since you can make anything this week by the look of it, but I doubt I'll be home in time to post. Unless I do my speed thing, and I'm trying to listen to crits here and like to think I've improved a little. The latest crits have been very helpful and thanks kindly for your time. Is there any rule for interprompts? I kinda like the concept of us posting whatever poo poo you come up with in a spare hour.

* # ¿ Jul 12, 2023 04:22
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Fat Jesus
Jul 13, 2011

to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2023

Antivehicular posted:

Yeah, most of the crits will be from judges, but everyone's welcome to post crits. The only etiquette thing is to not post crits before judgment, just because that can make it kind of weird for judges, but if you have something to say, please say it! Going through and critting some stories can be a good exercise in thinking about writing, too, and teach you things for your own work.

Oh I forgot that, sorry. I'll hold it back til judgment next time.
I got yelled at (ty) for my line spacing last time and I'm not sure I've got that art down.

Do we really get 11,111 words this week? lol

* # ¿ Jul 25, 2023 03:53
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Fat Jesus
Jul 13, 2011

to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2023

Doctor Zero posted:

:siren:Week 572 - Family Sagas ... Sagae? ... Saga's? ... STORIES - Detailed Crits inbound :siren:


Fat Jesus - The importance of Women

Rating: B
Nice introspective piece but resolves abruptly.

Notes:
- The dialect approach is good. Gave me a sense of the MC’s specific voice. Although it was confusing at first, it didn’t take me long to get into the cadence. Just a note here - some people hate reading dialects.

- I was suprised halfway through to find that “Pa” was the “Grandpa” and not the dad. Maybe it’s a dialect thing, but it could be made clear earlier. Somehow.

- There are a few places you declare and not show, like “Her disappointment hurt.” I mean, yeah I would think so unless I have reason to think the MC doesn’t give a poo poo. You could convey it a bit better, or make it more of a commentary since we’re in the MC’s closest POV (in their head). Think about how you think. Would you think “My mother is disappointed and it hurts?” No, you’d think “Ouch. That stung.” Or “There she goes. Again.” Or whatever.

- The MC seems to be unfamiliar with dementia. Maybe it’s because I had to deal with it myself IRL, but I knew what it was immediately. Neither good nor bad - just commenting.

- While interesting on its own, punch ip the conflict. What even is the conflict? How can you raise the stakes as the story goes along?

- Overall: it was nicely written, and conveyed the sense of a long line of ‘cowboys’ needing to be settled down. I actually liked the dialect. However, I feel the story wraps up very abruptly. “And then I went home and got married. The end.” I would like to see more of the process of how the MC’s dad and granddad makes them come around. Perhaps you could just hint at the change at the end instead. e.g. “Next time I visit, I’d like to have found that little woman who can tame my wild horses.” (Yes, that was intentionally corny and dumb. Don’t use that.) PS: Some people may object to a “it takes a woman to fix a man” themes. Personally IDC. Just keep in mind.



Thanks, you're much better at crits than I. It realised later the Pa thing would throw non- Australians off, but I seriously can't think of anyone who calls their dad 'Pa' down here, not since the great war anyway (actually most siblings are going to refer to their father as 'the old man', but not when he's in earshot, and this would probably add further confusion should there be a conversation between brothers, then dad shows up.). I should have made it more clear we weren't in Kansas anymore from the start. I'm glad you liked the dialect since my main concentration was to try write the way I talk, and I did grow up in a similar world, though it's not a real story. Maybe homespun country yarns will become my thing.
You also picked up a couple of things I should have seen, but sometimes it's hard to see when you wrote it and I appreciate that. I had some difficulties with dialogue last time, something set in Glasgow. One crit said it's too uh, scot, might put people off, another says I should have gone full Irvine Welsh. People like different things, not sure how you find a balance sometimes.

* # ¿ Jul 26, 2023 07:28
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Fat Jesus
Jul 13, 2011

to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2023

Chairchucker posted:

As always, remember that's a limit, not a target.

Do we get extra points for adding a birthday to the story? Because we should. Nothing to do with the fact mine contains one of course.

* # ¿ Jul 27, 2023 13:40
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Fat Jesus
Jul 13, 2011

to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2023

Doctor Zero posted:

Thanks! :wotwot:

The writer decides. Balance is an illusion, ultimately. Write for yourself as best you can, and people will come along for the ride or not. Even the most beloved books have people who hate them.

Pithy platitudes aside, if 80% of the readers have issue with something, think about it. if 50% of the readers have issue with something, that's the sweet spot IMO, because then it's totally up to you.
Well that sounds about right and I'll try not worry and just do what feels right next time I head 'overseas'.



sebmojo posted:

Bold your titles u reprobates
Oh ffs, I spent all Saturday night making things pretty and forgot that of all things

* # ¿ Jul 30, 2023 02:18
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# ¿ May 10, 2024 22:14
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Fat Jesus
Jul 13, 2011

to ride eternal, shiny and chrome

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2023


 Ok I'll end my jihad on quotation marks, can you tell I just finished reading All the Pretty Horses and Child of God?

* # ¿ May 1, 2024 01:38
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The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > Creative Convention > The Thunderlounge: A Thunderdome Sidebar