NFC West 2023: Home of The Run and Apple Butter

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Football Funhouse > NFC West 2023: Home of The Run and Apple Butter

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Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

2022 was another great year for the NFC Best, though not quite in the way most people expected. The Rams faceplanted in their title defense, but the 49ers took another leap into the NFL's elite and the Seahawks quickly moved on from the Russell Wilson era, leaving these as the clear top two teams in what could be a compeitive division race. And hell, I wouldn't count out the Rams just yet. The Cardinals ... yeah we can definitely count them out.

Arizona Cardinals

2022 record: 4-13
Super Bowl odds: +20000
Win over/under: 4.5
Head coach: Jonathan Gannon
Quarterbacks: Colt McCoy/Kyler Murray

End of an era, possibly in more ways than one. Everything bottomed out in 2022, leading to Kliff Kingsbury getting fired and loving off to Thailand. The final insult came in mid-December when Kyler Murray tore his ACL, putting his 2023 season in doubt. GM Steve Keim was also let go, so there's an entirely new regime left to make a decision on Murray, a mercurial QB they didn't draft coming off a serious injury. There's a non-zero chance he's already played his last snap in the desert. In the meantime, they'll move forward with the ol' Coltster, who I keep forgetting is still in the league, and new coach Gannon, one of the less inspiring hires of last year's cycle. There are pretty much zero expectations for 2023 -- the Cardinals are heavy favorites to land the #1 overall pick. Let's move on because nobody is reading this, including Cardinals fans.

Los Angeles Rams

2022 record: 5-12
Super Bowl odds: +6600
Win over/under: 6.5
Head coach: Sean McVay
Quarterback: Matthew Stafford

Pretty much nothing went right for the defending champs. The new-look offensive line never gelled and was always injured, constantly forcing the offense behind schedule. Then the star players went down one by one: Cooper Kupp suffered a major leg injury and both Stafford and Aaron Donald were eventually shut down as the playoffs got out of reach. It seemed like the Rams were ready to blow it up with McVay contemplating retirement, but he decided to come back for another dance. Other than trading Jalen Ramsey, they had basically no choice but to run it back. Who knows what to expect from the Rams in 2023, but if the stars stay healthy, they're still quite a talented team. That 6.5 line is honestly pretty harsh to me.

Seattle Seahawks

2022 record: 9-8, Wild Card round loss
Super Bowl odds: +3000
Win over/under: 8.5
Head coach: Pete Carroll
Quarterback: Geno Smith

Now that's what cooking looks like. Left for dead after trading away Wilson, the Seahawks instead returned to the playoffs and are suddenly right back in the mix with an exciting young core and Geno riding an unlikely career revival. The 2022 draft class brought massive contributors in Charles Cross, Kenneth Walker, Tariq Woolen, and Coby Bryant, immediately injecting some life into a roster that got rather stale in Wilson's final years. They appear to have another fun draft with first-round picks Devon Witherspoon and Jaxon Smith-Njigba expected to play big roles. And just from an intangible standpoint, it sure seemed like the team was playing loose and having a lot more fun without Wilson's weirdo baggage. If the defense improves just a little bit and Geno proves he's not a one-year wonder, they have a real chance to challenge for the division.

San Francisco 49ers

2022 record: 13-4, NFC Champiomship Game loss
Super Bowl odds: +900
Win over/under: 10.5
Head coach: Kyle Shanahan
Quarterback: Brock Purdy/Trey Lance/Sam Darnold maybe????

I regret to inform you that Shanahan is good at this. The 49ers are a Death Star at peak form, with almost no holes on the roster. This team was so talented, so well-coached, that it almost didn't matter who was actually at quarterback. They marched to the conference title game with the final pick of the draft holding things down just fine, and it's only when they literally ran out of healthy QBs that they finally saw their end. Purdy got cleared for camp after offseason elbow surgery and appears to have the edge over Lance, who may have run out of chances to make an impression. But if the 49ers have one weakness, they are never, ever allowed to be healthy, so there's a decent chance we see both guys anyway. Either way, this team is clearly the class of the division and one of the NFC's heavy hitters.

Division titles

49ers -- 21
Rams -- 18
Seahawks -- 9
Cardinals -- 3

Super Bowl appearances (winning years in bold)

49ers -- 7 (1981, 1984, 1988, 1989, 1994, 2012, 2019)
Rams -- 5 (1979, 1999, 2001, 2018, 2021)
Seahawks -- 3 (2005, 2013, 2014)
Cardinals -- 1 (2008)

Benne fucked around with this message at 05:48 on Jul 26, 2023

# ¿ Jul 26, 2023 03:43

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# ¿ May 10, 2024 05:21

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

WYTS hits the Cardinals today and we got some total gems this year https://defector.com/why-your-team-sucks-2023-arizona-cardinals

quote:

What is the point of this team? Am I supposed to watch this poo poo again? With their new NPC-rear end coach/GM combo deflecting all blame onto Kyler? Why?

quote:

Larry never got his ring. Our best QBs have been a washed Palmer and soon to be washed Kyler. We can only be good at one position at a time, and then those players leave.

quote:

We hired lizard person Monti Ossenfort as our third-choice general manager. He comes from a rich tradition of New England executives who fail for three or four years and leave behind press accounts of staff secretaries and QC coaches terrified that their offices are bugged. His first move as GM was to commit tampering with a head coach candidate no one wanted.

Our head coach looks like the cousin who brown-nosed 80% of your grandparents� estate in the will but got expelled for snorting lines at Concordia University. Our QB sat on the sideline when Budda Baker lay motionless on the field in a playoff game surrounded by his 50 other teammates and entire coaching staff. Our top two wideouts are Hollywood Brown and Rondale Moore, who you might know best for the Red Cross next to their names on your daily fantasy lineup.

quote:

As I sit down to write about the terrible, deeply embarrassing football team I root for while trying to survive my 19th straight day with a high over 110 degrees in the city I enthusiastically moved back to, I've come to the realization that I have a serious decision-making problem. My only solace is the knowledge that I'll likely be taken by a heat stroke before having to watch any of the Cardinals this season.

quote:

Well, it finally happened. Dimestore Gosling and the meathead GM were shitcanned in the same season. It was Christmas in January for about five minutes� until I remembered none of it matters while Failson Mikey is still running the show. The only thing they left on the cutting room floor for Hard Knocks was him and Justice Drunky McBeerstain chugging Heinekens while giddily deciding which Americans needed less rights in the next term. gently caress this team.

quote:

The Bidwell family has controlled the team since 1932 and in those 90 years have only had 22 seasons above .500, including two perfect seasons ('43 & '44) where they went 0-10. Bill Bidwell took over sole ownership in 1972 and recorded only 10 winning seasons until he died in 2019. He was easily the worst NFL owner in that time frame, and the Cardinals STILL inducted him into the Ring of Honor.

quote:

The 72-hour period in 2014 where the Cardinals signed Carson Palmer to a 50-million-dollar contract only to watch his ACL explode two days later is the perfect microcosm for this franchise�s absurdly laughable history with the quarterback position. I�m fairly certain Ryan Lindley is still on suicide watch from that season, and if not, he should be.

Every fan in this racist state glorifies Kurt �the world is 4,000 years old� Warner while conveniently forgetting he was too big of a chickenshit to impede James Harrison�s 100-yard pick-six IN THE loving SUPER BOWL.

In 2016, year I got into a fight with my friend who was adamantly arguing that we should pursue Wes Welker out of retirement. That�s right, he wanted the rotting corpse of Welker, who currently boasts a higher concussion per play average than Billy Bob from Varsity Blues, so that Palmer would have more weapons for the 2.5 games he would inevitably play in.

quote:

I don�t have anything left to say about this team. Instead, I�d like to celebrate a rare success in this heat pit.

I�m writing this right after Tempe voted against embracing the moribund Coyotes with a $2+ billion redevelopment project. All of the typical look-at-all-the-good-we�ll-do public stadium tactics were in play, and I was sure our community would fall for it. The local blowhards certainly did.

Yet in a decisive move, Tempe told them to gently caress off. And I couldn�t be prouder. This state may act like West Texas and even Western Florida at times, but my little corner of it finally showed some backbone against the most obvious of local scams. That at least gives me a little optimism.

Until Kyler goes 2-for-7 and leaves in the 3rd quarter after throwing nothing but limp screens. This team knows how to extinguish hope.

quote:

If you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you, and causes you to false start on third and short.

Sixteen seasons of rooting for this sulfur fart of an organization and I think this was the one that finally broke me. Coach Pallor spent the last half of 2021 and all of 2022 making GBS threads in his pants and ruining his franchise QB in the process. Even when this franchise has a future, the present won�t allow it to manifest.

I�m a fairly distant Cards fan (and a benevolent merciful father), so I didn�t push them on my son; he instead picked the Bengals of his own volition. They made the Super Bowl the following season. The loving BENGALS are better than this bullshit franchise.

The Chiefs, who do not play in State Farm Stadium, won twice as many games in State Farm Stadium last season as the Cardinals did.

quote:

I tried to indoctrinate my son into Cardinals fandom. I had dreams of him and me bonding over this piece of poo poo franchise and having the kind of relationship I never had with my Dad. I used to think when he grew up and we had nothing in common anymore, I�d be able to connect with him via our shared love of this horrible, awful team.

My son was seven years old when we drafted Josh Rosen in 2018, and somehow Rosen became his favorite player. I got him a Josh Rosen Funko Pop for Christmas (I believe the only other person who bought one that year was Josh Rosen himself). The Cardinals sucked rear end and Rosen was repeatedly benched throughout the season, but I was building a tradition with my son.

Four months later the Cardinals traded Rosen and drafted Kyler Murray, then paired him with the most unqualified head coach hired by an NFL team since Lane Kiffin. My son was devastated to see the first (admittedly terrible) player he�d connected with get traded away. I tried to keep him interested in the team when the season went south again, but eventually gave up and let him go play video games while I cried and cursed on the couch alone. When I�d give him a recap of the latest loss he�d always reply; �We should have never traded Josh Rosen.�

I haven�t tried to get him back on board for this season since there is literally nothing to be excited about. Our head coach looks like the bastard lovechild of Paul Scheer and Pee Wee Herman. Our coordinators look less like a coaching staff and more like some douchebags at the Twin Peaks in Scottsdale being reprimanded by the manager for getting handsy with their waitress again. The team�s selling point to fans is that we�re in the tank this season to start rebuilding in 2024. Give me a loving break. This team has been in rebuilding mode since Bruce Arians faked retirement so he could go win a Super Bowl with Tampa Bay. Every #1 pick in the draft they get is just a chance to find a bigger bust than the last one.

This cursed fandom will die with me. I've stuck to this moribund team out of completely misplaced pride in my home state, but there�s nothing in this arid shithole to be proud of. We are a collection of HOAs and mobile home parks gleefully sucking the aquifers dry while shouting �But it�s a dry heat!� as we pick at our melanoma scars. Arizona�s biggest export is racism and potbellied dudes in their 30s who wouldn�t last one day in basic training but still build their entire personality around Grunt Style t-shirts and AR-15s.

I�m not telling my kid to be proud of this hellhole. I�m telling him to get the gently caress out of here before what little water left gets privatized and nighttime temps never drop below triple digits. Hopefully whatver city he moves to has a franchise he can be proud of, so that he can watch them with his kids and tell them the one good thing his old man did for him was not making him be a fan of the loving Arizona Cardinals.

gently caress Steve Keim, gently caress Kliff Kingsbury with one of his lovely Joker paintings, and gently caress Michael Bidwill with the running engine of his private plane.

quote:

Still think we did Josh Rosen dirty despite all evidence.

# ¿ Jul 27, 2023 20:31

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Oh cool our running backs are already dying

https://twitter.com/TaylorBisciotti/status/1685785070576230400

# ¿ Jul 31, 2023 00:21

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

https://twitter.com/MikeGarafolo/status/1687564264721018880

# ¿ Aug 4, 2023 21:54

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

At least McDowell had top-10 buzz at one point and a lot of people thought it was a steal getting him in the 2nd

The Collier pick just made no sense at the time, in context, or in process. A classic case of Schneider stubbornly sticking to his board.

# ¿ Aug 18, 2023 01:08

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

https://twitter.com/CamInman/status/1694430439963046202

He gone

# ¿ Aug 23, 2023 21:12

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Leperflesh posted:

Steve Young remembers.

....does he though?

# ¿ Sep 2, 2023 15:59

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Mustached Demon posted:

Put your faith in The Run.

# ¿ Sep 8, 2023 23:48

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Really living up to the thread title

https://twitter.com/RapSheet/status/1700570252952703022

# ¿ Sep 9, 2023 19:10

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Same old sorry rear end *checks notes* Seahawks

# ¿ Sep 11, 2023 00:22

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

The defense being terrible is one thing, but I'm more worried about the offense flatlining. Even before both tackles went down they were weirdly tentative, and it's not like LA is running the 2000 Ravens out there. There were basically no explosive plays to speak of, and Walker vanished from the game script after a strong first half. They played scared and it showed on the field.

I'm not ready to throw in the towel but that was about as deflating as it gets for a home opener.

# ¿ Sep 11, 2023 01:20

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

https://twitter.com/bcondotta/status/1702790655582601405

Aidan Hutchinson gonna eat

# ¿ Sep 16, 2023 01:01

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

I am not feeling good about all the nasty things Aidan Hutchinson will do to our backup RT

# ¿ Sep 17, 2023 17:43

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Never lost faith in my boys

# ¿ Sep 17, 2023 21:11

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Happy first SOSAR of the year everybody :toot:

# ¿ Sep 18, 2023 00:04

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Healthy Stafford is still one of the best quarterbacks in the NFC, so as long as he stays upright they're going to be in every game.

# ¿ Sep 18, 2023 07:23

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Same old sorry rear end Giants

# ¿ Sep 22, 2023 04:29

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

I wouldn't say that I'm scared of Andy Dalton in 2023, but he's exactly the type of crafty veteran who can pick apart soft coverages and keep the chains moving, especially when he has time to throw. In other words, the Seahawks probably shouldn't feel too comfortable.

# ¿ Sep 24, 2023 09:59

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Good to see the Seahawks handle their business, but my God the injuries are really piling up. This is the one year I'm actually happy there's an early bye week, because they were literally running out of bodies at CB and the O-line.

# ¿ Sep 25, 2023 04:47

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

The middle of the defense is a big problem. Too many guys are getting crossed up in assignments and missing tackles, turning small gains into big ones. Wagner is still good in run fits but he just doesn't have the coverage juice anymore, you can pick on him from the slot and that's exactly what Thielen did.

I'm happy with 2-1 but there's a lot of stuff to clean up before the schedule gets harder.

# ¿ Sep 25, 2023 14:21

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Ornery and Hornery posted:

Sure PCJS have had more good than bad in terms of regular season W-L but not in terms of process or playoff production.

They had a historically good defense which was based on unbelievable talent rather than strategic scheming, they had a very good franchise quarterback, and enjoyed a relatively weak division for the majority of their time here. With all of that the majority of their work has been early playoff exits where they were clearly out talented and out coaches (that Dallas game in particular was brutal).

Even when the division was supposed to be good you�d have a classic niners year of injuries to soften things for Seattle.

Hilariously, when Seattle ships out their declining franchise QB, they get to transition to Geno Smith who is playing at a franchise quarterback level.

We have over a decade of data at this point and it�s clear that they are bad at trades, they are bad at drafts, they are bad at free agency, and they are bad at coaching (outside of our OC).

Their main contributions to early Seahawks success are no longer unique to Pete. Such novel concepts as �treat players as professional adult coworkers rather than pieces of poo poo� and �maybe not every player needs to have the precise identical skill sets and body dimensions� are now widely adopted by the good coaches in the league.

PCJS aren�t the worse in the league, and I will always love them for their work in setting up the first ring in franchise history, but it�s time to move on.

This is some extreme Decade of Spectacular Failure poo poo

Bad coaches don't have a .612 winning percentage with 10 playoff appearances in 13 years. And if you wanna scoff at the lack of playoff wins, I can point to several teams based in Colorado, Illinois, and the greater New Jersey area to see what the alternative looks like.

# ¿ Sep 25, 2023 21:56

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

McVay got tired of babying him through the headset

# ¿ Sep 29, 2023 01:58

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

No SOSAR this week, despite their best efforts

# ¿ Oct 1, 2023 21:23

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Holy poo poo can we get to the loving bye already

# ¿ Oct 3, 2023 02:32

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

You guys, I think this Witherspoon kid might turn out alright

# ¿ Oct 3, 2023 03:39

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Sometimes it's fun to just beat up on a terrible team and watch their sad fans hit the exits early on national TV.

Good work Seahawks. Now ice the gently caress up these next two weeks.

# ¿ Oct 3, 2023 04:22

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Maybe a guy who missed nearly the entire 2022 season and most of training camp isn't quite up to speed on a pro field yet.

Instead of "using him wrong" they might just be using him as much as they trust him, which is clearly very little right now.

# ¿ Oct 3, 2023 15:11

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

They're 3-1 while missing like 30 important starters and now have the bye week to get closer to full strength. I think that's pretty drat impressive actually, even with the soft schedule.

I really don't like this mindset of "oh they beat bad teams, so it doesn't count." Like what, are we supposed to win 100-0? Are we supposed to be not happy that we poo poo on and humiliated the Giants on national TV? Because that was rad as hell, and I feel bad if you didn't get something out of that.

I like this team, and I think they'll play better as the season goes on. There's a ton of pieces to get excited about.

# ¿ Oct 3, 2023 23:14

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

People like to have sympathy for Pirates fans but I consider it their karmic punishment for also being Steelers fans

# ¿ Oct 6, 2023 01:04

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

JPrime posted:

have the pirates been relevant since roberto clemente was alive?

They were pretty good in the late 2000s/early 2010s when McCutcheon was at his peak.

Then the cheap-rear end owner sold off everyone and they went right back to being poo poo.

# ¿ Oct 6, 2023 01:14

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

I'd pay money to watch a show where Marshawn and Russ are living in the same house and have to find literally anything to talk about outside of football

# ¿ Oct 6, 2023 10:25

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

From what little I've seen of Commanders games, Cody Barton hasn't changed one bit

I'm glad he's not blowing assignments for my team anymore. Getting rid of him just improved the defense by default.

# ¿ Oct 12, 2023 16:05

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

SAME

# ¿ Oct 23, 2023 00:07

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Same old sorry rear end Niners

# ¿ Oct 24, 2023 04:17

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Ornery and Hornery posted:

The qualifiers were essentially �who is likely to be a meaningful playoff contributor over the next season or two�.

Post your list. Who is talented on the Seahawks?

Kenneth Walker
DK Metcalf
Jaxon Smith-Njigba
Tyler Lockett
Charles Cross
Abe Lucas
Damien Lewis
Uchenna Nwosu (unfortunately dead this year)
Boye Mafe
Dre'Mont Jones
Jordyn Brooks
Riq Woolen
Devon Witherspoon
Coby Bryant
Tre Brown
Quandre Diggs
Jamal Adams
Michael Dickson

If you want to be generous you can throw in Zach Charbonnet (has the look of a future RB1), DeeJay Dallas (has quietly developed into a very good returner), and I only didn't include Geno/Bobby/Jarran Reed since they're on the older side.

This is a good team. I don't know why that's a controversial take. They're good, and young, and have every chance to get better as the season goes along. I'm way higher on their future than I was a couple years ago.

Benne fucked around with this message at 17:40 on Oct 24, 2023

# ¿ Oct 24, 2023 17:35

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Lifespan posted:

Bobo has been great in limited use as well. The team isn't elite, but it's not some talentless mess. The only problem is that the team has been consistently good, but not great, and early playoff exits get tiring. I hope that once there is a big event (Carroll retiring, team sold, etc), there is a sea change to go harder towards contender even if the team blows for a few years to rebuild.

Here's the thing: they are rebuilding, this is an extremely young roster. We just don't call it that because:

a) they're playing an unsexy journeyman QB, who is not under a long-term deal anyway and there's plenty of draft capital whenever they're ready to move on from Geno
b) they're winning games and growing together, which is what an actual rebuild is supposed to look like, not sucking poo poo for years on end while the GM pretends it's some master plan when he's really trying to save his job.

# ¿ Oct 24, 2023 19:23

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

YOLOsubmarine posted:

I agree with the general sentiment that �tear it down to the studs� rebuilds are generally stupid and just get you in a cycle of doing that every three or four years. But the Seahawks don�t have a long term answer at either QB or coach and they�re not currently elite so it does feel a bit like treading water because the next regime is surely going to want to bring in their guys in a lot of spots. It�s a very Pete Carroll roster and likely doesn�t work as well with not-Pete Carroll running the team and Pete Carroll is old as hell.

You're not wrong, but I dunno, guess I'll worry about that in 2025? Not sure what we're supposed to do with this information right now, other than hope they keep winning.

# ¿ Oct 24, 2023 20:20

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Anyway enough arguing check out these absolute beauties :swoon:

https://twitter.com/Seahawks/status/1716917090442170731

# ¿ Oct 24, 2023 22:07

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Grant Cohn is obviously a hack but inject The Discourse straight into my veins:

https://twitter.com/grantcohn/status/1716924388858306867

# ¿ Oct 24, 2023 23:33

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# ¿ May 10, 2024 05:21

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Forrest on Fire posted:

I for one would very much like to watch Kyle Shannahan turn Sam Darnold into virtually the same QB as Purdy after an entire career of being completely mid

Statistically Sam Darnold is one of the very worst QBs of the 21st Century. "Mid" would be a massive improvement for him.

# ¿ Oct 25, 2023 06:31

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Football Funhouse > NFC West 2023: Home of The Run and Apple Butter

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