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There is a time, like a year away. Where you really like to hear your kid babbling and you cant wait till they can talk. Yeah, gently caress....... enjoy that, cause it pretty quickly turns into you wishing they would just shut the gently caress up.
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Aug 3, 2023 12:35
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Make sure to start your kid on creatine and protein powder early
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Aug 3, 2023 12:46
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All children don't pay attention when you want them to and do pay attention when you don't want them to.
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Aug 3, 2023 12:54
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Das Boo posted:All children don't pay attention when you want them to and do pay attention when you don't want them to. just like 40+ year old goons tbh
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Aug 3, 2023 13:05
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If you’re a stepdad the standard for excellence is so low that if you can’t make it you’re a freakin chump
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Aug 3, 2023 13:14
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Tell your kids that a child-eating monster lives in their closet. If you don't have a closet, no problem, say it lives under their bed. One night, say "I'm tired of living in fear like this!" and pretend to kill the monster with your bare hands. Your kids will idolize you. But the next time they act up, just say "Oh no, I just got a letter in the mail that the monster's brother is coming! He's too strong for me to fight!"
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Aug 3, 2023 13:16
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Get them a drumset
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Aug 3, 2023 13:38
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A Fancy Hat posted:Tell your kids that a child-eating monster lives in their closet. If you don't have a closet, no problem, say it lives under their bed. My dad put a poster of Hulk Hogan on the closet door and said that Hulk will make sure no monsters go in my room. He did the same thing with my little brother except it was a poster of Stone Cold. It worked.
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Aug 3, 2023 13:46
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WILDTURKEY101 posted:My dad put a poster of Hulk Hogan on the closet door and said that Hulk will make sure no monsters go in my room. He did the same thing with my little brother except it was a poster of Stone Cold. It worked. good parenting.
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Aug 3, 2023 13:47
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BAGS FLY AT NOON posted:If you’re a
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Aug 3, 2023 13:49
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Unload your genetic information and leave the nation
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Aug 3, 2023 13:55
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Make sure your kids enjoy the same things you do. If you have nostalgia for the SNES then guess what? Little Timmy's gonna love it, too. If he doesn't? Just keep forcing it on him. It'll eventually stick and he definitely won't choke you to death with an SNES controller one day.
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Aug 3, 2023 13:58
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If you give someone a little bit of every poison every day they become resistant to every poison
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Aug 3, 2023 14:34
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You can pretend to devour the belly of your infant and it will laugh in joy, oblivious to the horrors you parody
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Aug 3, 2023 14:34
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Tomfoolery posted:You can pretend to devour the belly of your infant and it will laugh in joy, oblivious to the horrors you parody 
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Aug 3, 2023 14:37
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get your kid a smartphone once they start interacting with objects. put it in the crib with them with Ryan's World on autoplay. put peach schnapps on the binky.
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Aug 3, 2023 14:44
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don’t take too many photos, it’s a pain to sort through them all and you’ll never do it one or two per year should be enough to remind you what your child looks like
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Aug 3, 2023 14:47
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Always laugh when the kid falls down.
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Aug 3, 2023 17:05
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Bad Purchase posted:don’t take too many photos, it’s a pain to sort through them all and you’ll never do it In this vein, be sure to print out your pictures and store them in an album or on the wall or something so that you don't need to rely on cloud storage to see your pictures 20 years later. This applies to parents and non-parents.
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Aug 3, 2023 17:07
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Give them a new gun on every birthday, kids love guns.
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Aug 3, 2023 17:34
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Homeschool them wrong, as a joke
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Aug 3, 2023 17:43
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Drive your enemies before you and hear the lamination of their women.
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Aug 3, 2023 17:43
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Icochet posted:Homeschool them wrong, as a joke As opposed to the typical way
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Aug 3, 2023 17:53
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Bags of glass shards make fun and entertaining toys
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Aug 3, 2023 22:17
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Teach your child all the wrong words for things and colors. The fun they'll have when they start school will be a real treat.
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Aug 3, 2023 22:20
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try a dog first
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Aug 4, 2023 17:07
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it's sort of like parenting but a little harder
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Aug 4, 2023 17:07
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Great thing about a starter fur baby is once the real baby comes you forget all about the dog
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Aug 4, 2023 18:29
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Hide your eggs in the nest of more capable suckers and let them raise your kids.
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Aug 4, 2023 18:45
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All the worst monsters in history knew how to walk. Maybe discourage learning that
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Aug 4, 2023 18:58
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A good parent will apply weights to all the limbs of their child from the age of 2 so that they become strong as they get older. If your child can't handle 25kg weights on their arms by the age of 7, you're not training them hard enough.
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Aug 4, 2023 19:00
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don't hit your kids in any way and generally just be kind to them  Edit: sorry to serious post teach them to swim by chucking them in with the alligators at your local aquarium
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Aug 4, 2023 19:00
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Tarkus posted:A good parent will apply weights to all the limbs of their child from the age of 2 so that they become strong as they get older. If your child can't handle 25kg weights on their arms by the age of 7, you're not training them hard enough. yup. this is known as Progressive Overload
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Aug 4, 2023 19:01
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Your hormones will make you more tuned to their cries than you realize. You really can sleep when they sleep you'll wake up when they start making noise. Only buy like, 5 outfits/toys for them, you'll probably get overwhelmed by hand-me-downs from other parents desperate to get rid of poo poo.
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Aug 4, 2023 19:10
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Cowman posted:don't hit your kids in any way and generally just be kind to them I hit my kid with hard-hitting FACTS, buster Pull your pants up no one will hire you if they can see your underwear!!! You won't be able to afford a house and I LIKE it that way!!!
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Aug 4, 2023 19:11
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Smugworth posted:I hit my kid with hard-hitting FACTS, buster young child DESTROYED with facts and logic!
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Aug 4, 2023 19:12
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if you get attacked by feral hogs you can easily outrun your child, gifting you valuable extra time to escape
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Aug 4, 2023 19:42
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Train yourself to stop swearing before they start talking. Cutting back on saying gently caress all the time was surprisingly difficult. And while hearing my one year old daughter call one of her toys “this stupid loving thing” in my own cadence was hilarious, it could lead to embarrassment down the road.
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Aug 4, 2023 20:13
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Ralph Hurley posted:Train yourself to stop swearing before they start talking. Cutting back on saying gently caress all the time was surprisingly difficult. And while hearing my one year old daughter call one of her toys “this stupid loving thing” in my own cadence was hilarious, it could lead to embarrassment down the road. This is the worst loving goddamn bullshit advice I’ve ever heard
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Aug 4, 2023 22:59
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| # ? May 12, 2024 00:01 |
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Teach them to cuss really well early on so they have a head start on their sailing careers.
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Aug 4, 2023 23:07
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