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Genesplicer posted:A dame walked in. She had smoky eye shadow and legs for days. Dames like that always mean trouble. I just have this dame revolving door for dames like that.
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Sep 12, 2023 21:31
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| # ? May 2, 2024 02:42 |
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BAGS FLY AT NOON posted:Between cases?! You must be new here. We’re drunk all the time. Hot dog! Time to get to the bottom of this case... case of hooch!
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Sep 12, 2023 21:35
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Genesplicer posted:A dame walked in. She had smoky eye shadow and legs for days. Dames like that always mean trouble. Gams out the wazoo
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Sep 12, 2023 21:37
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This dame clops in, gams all the way up to her withers. She played it coy but I could tell she was hot to trot.
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Sep 12, 2023 21:38
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In my client chair I'm seeing a pink elephant playing the banjo. Just means I need to get another handle as I'm having delirium tremors again.
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Sep 12, 2023 21:38
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Ever since I started taking 'Toon cases again it's been a real circus. I got Horace Horsecollar asking me to check up on his wife Clarabell, she seems to think the grass is greener on Yosemite Sam's side. And I got to investigate Road Runner, the Laff-a-Lympics board thinks he's juicing. Then I'm supposed to follow Snagglepuss around, MGM is afraid his rumored "alternative lifestyle" will violate Hays. gently caress that, what a cougar does on his own time is his own business...I'll still take their money though. Teddy, I sure wish you were here
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Sep 12, 2023 21:56
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I keep losing cases by telling husbands that they have a cheating wife because they've been a lousy gently caress. Like hell I'm going to stop saying it.
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Sep 12, 2023 22:26
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Alcoholism? ME? What a joke. Those goddamn do-gooder doctors all up in people's business these days. World went to hell in a hand basket on the fast lane.
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Sep 12, 2023 22:33
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one of the funniest gbs threads ever made https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3636034&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=1
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Sep 12, 2023 23:44
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I have this super cool 50's/60's convertible even thought I am basically homeless.
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Sep 12, 2023 23:48
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*stands alone on a stakeout in a damp trash-strewn alleyway at night with only noir-lighting showcasing my silhouetted figure, the cherry on my barely-lit cigarette dangling from my mouth illuminating only my chin* *a soft muted trumpet plays*
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Sep 13, 2023 00:36
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For hire: Hot saucy lady who's smart and can give it back.
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Sep 13, 2023 01:06
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The private dick market is a bit crowded, so I'm trying my hand at being a "public dick." What exactly does that entail? Well, let's just say this trench coat serves a couple of different purposes.
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Sep 13, 2023 01:06
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We also need big huge guy, maybe former Con, and a smooth talking guy. And a tech hacker lady.
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Sep 13, 2023 01:17
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Introduce a detective puppy at the end of Season 1. So he's all growed up in Season 2, but we can use clip show montages and stuff to show his puppy days.
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Sep 13, 2023 01:26
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The dame walked in. A question immediately began to burn inside me. I had to ask, even though I knew I wouldn't like the answer. "Is it Dame Diddy, Dame Daddy, or Dame Dummy?" She didn't need to answer. I had solved the mystery in my mind already. "Oh, I get it. You Biggie and he's Puffy!" The Roc-A-Fella case. He had passed away from a disease that medicine wouldn't even understand until decades after the heyday of this particular genre. And this was the guy they had chosen to name their company after? I started to put it together...
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Sep 13, 2023 02:27
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Gracie, order 100 cans of Spam. Just do it, I know it's crazy. Place the order.
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Sep 13, 2023 02:31
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There I was, nursing the worse hangover this side of Newark. I downed my second shot of Jimmy B just as this dame strode in like she owned the place. Legs up to here and tits out to next Tuesday. “You got another one of those, cowboy?” She asked, nodding at my empty glass. I looked around for a clean glass and finding none, I dumped out a begonia and dropped two fingers of Beam in the vase. She took the slug and drained it in one gulp. My kinda broad. I grunted respect and offered a refill but she covered the vase with a well-manicured hand. “It’s my husband,” she said. “He’s a real son of a bitch but he ain’t showed up since Thursday.” “Thursday?” I said. “That’s the day before Friday. You tellin me this cat missed a Friday?” “It ain’t right,” she said. “He ain’t never missed no Friday that I know about. Pardon my French mister but it’s real fuckin weird!” “He been actin funny or anything, miss? Now if I had a dame like yous I wouldn’t be steppin out but I don’t know your husband like you do. Maybe he got hooked on a little strange.” “Nah, he ain’t like that,” she said. “All’s I know is we was savin up for a house and he was tryin to sell some of his old stuff, said he had a couple of buyers lined up. I asked him when he was comin back but alls he said was “Shan’t speculate” and I ain’t seen him since.”
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Sep 13, 2023 04:13
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We're gonna need some big guys. You know, "Toughs". Not too bright.
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Sep 13, 2023 04:17
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Cruising down the Ocean Loop all casual in our sweet rear end convertible.
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Sep 13, 2023 04:29
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Computer, load holoprogram Dixon Hill and the Borg Queen’s Panties. Disengage safety protocols.
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Sep 13, 2023 04:45
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Get Sahmdo on the line. We're gonna need a giant truck.
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Sep 13, 2023 04:54
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I could hear Jimmy running up to the agency door. Excitable kid that he was, once he had an idea he couldn't sneak up on a deaf man with the way he tore across the hardwood. "Detective! There's big news," he shouted. His high pitched screeching voice danced across my hangover, I clenched my eyes shut tight in a wince. "What's the news, Jimmy," I grumbled, "and for crying out loud keep your drat voice down." My hand fumbled with one of my desk drawers, desperately seeking out a bottle of painkillers that I already knew was empty. "That old website guy, the one with the powder spine! They say he's pushing clouds!" My eyes darted open, migraine be damned. That didn't add up. Why would the taxman bow out now? Wasn't his plan to take the money and run? This just got complicated. "Jimmy, grab my coat. And go flag down one of our boys in blue. Tell em if they know what's good for em they'll be in YOSPOS within the hour." It was a suicide run. I knew this. I'd be clocked within seconds of stepping into the 'POS territory. But everything pointed back one way. Everything was finally falling into place. A dead taxman, the posts from the wife, the silence from the moderators. They knew, of course. They had always known. It left only one person I could finger. "Detective, are you sure about this?" The worry was clear in Jimmy's voice. He had seen his fair share of my coming back from a case in a mess, but even then I'd never tried picking a fight this openly. I'd skirt around FYAD, bag a CSPAMmer when they stepped out of line. This was different. This one would be for all the marbles. "I'm sure, Jimmy. Sometimes you gotta let the big ones know they ain't invincible. Sometimes you gotta spit in their eye and hope you can get em with a sucker punch. Keep em honest. But if I'm being honest, Jimmy," I said, trying my best to keep my voice even. "Yeah, Detective?" "I'm gay, lol." Shinjobi fucked around with this message at 05:25 on Sep 13, 2023 |
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Sep 13, 2023 05:14
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She had money and a story. Some kind of alien facehuggers.
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Sep 13, 2023 05:37
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I found something interesting in the trash… seems to be a mirror directly reflecting the OP
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Sep 13, 2023 05:43
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Drinking my 8th? 10th cup of Circle K coffee.
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Sep 13, 2023 05:54
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The investigation is progressing along nicely boss. I woke up to find the broad I was pumping for information dead with an ice pick in her back and I'm the main suspect. Once again I'm gonna have to kill a lot of people to clear my name.
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Sep 13, 2023 05:54
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CHaKKaWaKka posted:The investigation is progressing along nicely boss. I woke up to find the broad I was pumping for information dead with an ice pick in her back and I'm the main suspect. Once again I'm gonna have to kill a lot of people to clear my name. Committing crimes in the 20's was so easy.
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Sep 13, 2023 06:30
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A dame walked into the office. Her gams went all the way up. She wore her underwear like a neckerchief. Her breasts were on her thighs.
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Sep 13, 2023 07:02
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I woke up, head pounding. burning. vomit in my lap. paper stuck to my face. 37 empty bottles of night train scattered around my office. drat, slept through another case. I started to pull myself upright when there was a flash, and I was deaf. not deaf, I heard ringing. a man suddenly in the doorway waving his arms, eyes bulging. gently caress, I had passed out holding my gun again.
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Sep 13, 2023 07:41
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"Listen, dame," I advised with the point of a finger, "there'a more dames here walking into private dick offices than pigeons in Central Park, you wanna know which office to saunter into and get your 'gams for days' line, you gotta be more specific--just saying 'that one goon detective' ain't gonna cut it." The dame stared daggers at me with eyes narrowed into holsters for a dangerous stare. The smoky eyelashes were a solid 8: good shape, sharp taper, no smudges. The gams, however were only about a 5: her shortness wasn't doing her any favors, and the backseam actively rebelled by snaking up her shapely calves in a haphazard manner. A run in the seam emerged at the widest point of the lower leg, but this dame somehow kept it from racing top to bottom like a bootlegger delivering the VIP hooch, so I decided to revise my gams score to a 6; she knew how to work with the disadvantages dealt her way, but you can only bluff so much with a bad hand. With an utterance of contempt and a sharp upturn of the chin, she sauntered by my desk, fancy heels clicking on the wood panel flooring, and expensive Parisian perfume silently whirling around the air thanks to the desk fan. It wasn't my preferred fragrance--a musky lavender--but it's going to make some poor shmuck's day to be stuck in a small detective office huffing her essence. "Fourth door on the left," I leaned backward, toward her as she passed, "If nobody's there, you can wait or saunter up to the second floor, they're all womanizers up that-a-way." I went back to my typing while a smug expression crawled in from the corner of my mouth. Clearly this dame didn't know the very obvious rule for detective agencies: you don't sass the secretary. I memorized all the detectives worth a drat, and unless she stumbled into them at a nearby bar, she's not gonna meet any of them, I'll make sure of that.
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Sep 13, 2023 09:12
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chillin in the hoopty, munchin on a wonder bread sandwich and black coffee
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Sep 13, 2023 10:05
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A whiff of the forest caused me to look up from my half empty rocks glass. There she was, gams the size of tree trunks that went all the way up, a voice that shook the office. One of them ent dames and she had a problem. I settled in for a long night as these kinda broads take a long time to get their words out. I sighed. Just another night at Middle Earth Detective Agency.
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Sep 13, 2023 12:17
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She rushed past the entrance, wetter than a rainstorm and not nearly as pleasant. She smelled of algae, the swampy kind. I could hear the poor floorboards groaning under the weight, hushed by all the moisture. On her back, several people threw a ball back and forth, polo-style. I tapped the sign as I spoke, one that I tap way too often in this god-forsaken town. "Dames with gams, not dams with games." I regretted resuming my typing; all that humidity was just ruining my hair, like an exciting suspect chase, but without a suspect or the excitement.
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Sep 13, 2023 13:09
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Those brats on the street called me "defective detective" today. I pretended not to hear them but it was obvious I was just ignoring them. I held back the tears this time though
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Sep 13, 2023 13:23
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I headed to McRooney's that night to try and clear my head. I sat down and told the bartender to give me the usual - scotch on the rocks - and he smiled at me. "Hey, you're gonna put yourself into an early grave if you keep drinking like that." "Kid, after what I've seen tonight, that'd be just peachy." That's when I saw her. Sitting across the bar, smoke swirling around her head and turning her into a nicotine-stained angel. Darla. My sweet Darla. She turned her eyes away from me and quickly pulled some cash out of her handbag. She wanted out of there and fast. Not that I blame her too much. Our love burned hot and fast and with a job like mine she never knew when I'd be coming home to her. Not many dames could live like that, and hell, I didn't blame her one bit. As she packed up her things I rushed over to speak to her, just to let her know I didn't blame her for leaving. "Darla, beautiful, I need to -" "Enough! You don't pay child support, you dress up like it's the 1940s, and you spend what little money you have on alcohol and trench coats. You're losing weekend visitation rights, Eric. I swear to God I'm going home, calling my lawyer, and those papers are going to be in the mail TOMORROW morning." Her words stung like a .45 right to the chest.
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Sep 13, 2023 13:54
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Her name was Snakehole, Janet Sankehole, and she was a fifty dollar problem in a five dollar dress.
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Sep 13, 2023 14:12
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I;m thinkin about thos gams
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Sep 13, 2023 14:13
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I drove around LA at night in the convertible, trying to clear my head. Streelights passing noirlishy. This city. This drat city. I needed an out, some way out of this mess with Languini.
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Sep 13, 2023 14:47
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| # ? May 2, 2024 02:42 |
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The heat. The heat is the worst part. These summer nights are endless. I can't take off my trenchcoat, or everyone will see my pit stains. And the fedora just looks cool, so it stays on. When I was questioning Jimmy Throatpunch, the river of sweat pouring down my brow must've made me look like a tough customer because he coughed up some names quick. As I left, the puddle of sweat I left in his diner seat dripped to the floor. I nearly slipped but caught myself on his shoulder, leaving a dark handprint. He winced. Now to track down this Emma SnakeEyes. God I'm dizzy
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Sep 13, 2023 15:50
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