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A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

I headed to McRooney's that night to try and clear my head. I sat down and told the bartender to give me the usual - scotch on the rocks - and he smiled at me.

"Hey, you're gonna put yourself into an early grave if you keep drinking like that."

"Kid, after what I've seen tonight, that'd be just peachy."

That's when I saw her. Sitting across the bar, smoke swirling around her head and turning her into a nicotine-stained angel. Darla. My sweet Darla. She turned her eyes away from me and quickly pulled some cash out of her handbag. She wanted out of there and fast. Not that I blame her too much. Our love burned hot and fast and with a job like mine she never knew when I'd be coming home to her. Not many dames could live like that, and hell, I didn't blame her one bit. As she packed up her things I rushed over to speak to her, just to let her know I didn't blame her for leaving.

"Darla, beautiful, I need to -"

"Enough! You don't pay child support, you dress up like it's the 1940s, and you spend what little money you have on alcohol and trench coats. You're losing weekend visitation rights, Eric. I swear to God I'm going home, calling my lawyer, and those papers are going to be in the mail TOMORROW morning."

Her words stung like a .45 right to the chest.

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A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

I'd been shot by Vito Salvatore and left to die in an alleyway. The rain went rat-a-tat-tat on the metal garbage cans, just like his tommy gun had done as it unloaded about a quarter pound of lead into my gut.

I started thinking of that dame again, the one with the sultry eyes and sultrier gams. She worked at the movie theater selling tickets. For months I'd go, see the pictures, and think about what I'd say to her. Finally, I built up the courage to talk to her. She handed me the ticket, telling me to enjoy the movie. I was a bundle of nerves and blurted out "Y-you, too." The moment was lost, maybe forever.

The rain kept falling as I felt my face go flush.

A Fancy Hat
Nov 18, 2016

Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

This was going to be my most difficult case yet. A dame, murdered in cold blood, her body stuffed into a suitcase and mailed to her ex-husband. The suspect? Frank "The Suitcase Killer" Ricaboni. How he got that nickname nobody seemed to know, but it was pretty damning in this case.

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