MLB N/V 2023-24 Offseason: The 680 million dollar Bonilla (Taxes?)

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mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

Reposting with new installment:

mdemone posted:

And with that, I present the first installment:

The Season From Hell
Or, How the Los Angeles Angels are the Worst Team in Pro Sports: a 2023 Retrospective

It begins, as it will end, with Anthony Rendon.

March had been relatively mild after all, with only two starting position players lost to injury, and a starting pitcher lost with a torn UCL. You expect these things. In fact you come to cherish them, as one cherishes loved ones who have passed away, through this earthly organization and into a promised land where they can be injured no more.

On the 37th day of Lent by the Christian calendar of the year of our Lord 2023, a fan cursed at a baseball player on the opposing team. This would have passed for normality on any other day, but this was not just any other day, and it was not just any season -- it was the day upon which a man, and a franchise, discovered their true path, indeed their very destiny.

Part 1: Whomsoever Striketh Thee Upon the Cheek

Listen, I don't care whether you have a lot of guaranteed money coming your way. If you're a professional baseball player, you have been heckled and even verbally assaulted by opposing fans. That's part of the game. You want to show them up, then go get a couple bases and maybe an RBI. Flip them the bird when you're dusting off your uniform. Literally do almost anything but that. You can't touch the audience, you moron. Also, not for nothing, but it's batting practice, yeah? We're talking about practice. If Bart Giamatti were alive he would have had your rear end for breakfast.

Meanwhile, Hunter Renfroe can't hit the broad side of a barn, and the bullpen is godawful. Anthony Rendon is suspended for five games and then rises again on Easter weekend 2023 like the Antichrist, and then poo poo really goes sideways for the Angels.

mdemone posted:

Part 2: His Disciples

We have not yet named him, nor is there any need to. In any case, he is not the subject of our story. He is the context itself. He is the world in which this sad drama plays out.

Shortly after Easter 2023, his first disciple is called forth from the first round: shortstop Zach Neto, he of the dripping eyeblack. A gamer of the highest order, he immediately goes 0 for his first 20 at-bats.

His second disciple, a catcher named Logan O'Hoppe and called forth from the Philadelphia Phillies, had already shown himself to be a favorite of all pitchers, prized among the men of the battery. Upon the arrival of the first disciple, he immediately swings at a ball so hard that his own shoulder does tear itself apart.

His third disciple, a first among firsts, centerfielder Mickey Moniak, who did bring to mind a similar name from ancient times. Brought forth as a shining hero, his ascension presages a blow to the Adversary, who was relegated to the injured list on May 15 in the year 2023. Mickey begins to distinguish himself on base and in the field, rather ominously.

His fourth disciple, a flamethrower from the Volunteer State, called forth from the third round, appears in five games before being ruled out for the season because Ben hath thrown the ball Too Hard and his arm hath Come Off.

(The Adversary is re-activated on June 6 and placed on the injured list again less than two weeks later, for unclear reasons. Which does happen, I guess.)

His fifth disciple, bearing the highest batting average on the team while being a prized defender and a five-tool threat, falls awkwardly over first base and breaks his pelvis. As a 31-year-old man in his prime. Just falls loving weird and well, that's it.

(The Adversary fouls a ball off his shin and leaves the game. Let's take a moment here to consider the carnage thus far. This document does not even include the plights of men like Brandon Drury, or Jake Lamb, or Jared Walsh, or Jo Adell, or Jose Suarez, or Jose Quijada. All gone, lost like dust in the Santa Ana wind.)

The first disciple throws a ball and does tear his oblique. This presages events to come. It is not yet July.

Part 3 - The Superstar

There are very few non-fictional players in baseball history who are 1) first-ballot Hall of Fame guys, just generationally talented players, but also 2) have really cool location-based nicknames like "The Heater from Van Meter" or "The Millville Meteor" or "The Commerce Comet".

Mike Trout is the least interesting of the top 10 all-around ballplayers in history. When you lead the major leagues in OPS+ for five straight years, which puts you on a list with Bonds and nobody else, not even Ruth, and you can go to the movies in any major city without being recognized. When you lead the majors in offensive WAR seven out of your first eight years in the league, and when you're an eight-time All-Star at the age of 27, but you stay late after every game to sign every kid's baseball cap, and you get to BP early the next day to sign every kid's poster, and then they pay you 400 million dollars to keep doing that for the next 12 years, in the city that is presumably the Happiest Place on Earth.

When your team signs an All-Star third baseman to shore up the infield and the top of the order, and an actual global airborne plague happens, and you are never the same player again. And in the same time and place where the Adversary and the Context would come to reckon, you break your hand on July 4 2023, and again you are never the same.

All greatness must come to an end, else we would all be angels, one-legged and faceless, seething with endless, hopeless praise.

Coming soon: Part 4 - The Context

# ¿ Oct 2, 2023 16:04

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# ¿ May 14, 2024 11:51

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

FlamingLiberal posted:

Phil Nevin out as Angels manager

I mean, okay. Sure, fine.

just makes me madder at Rendon

# ¿ Oct 3, 2023 14:25

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

mcmagic posted:

I'm not very deep into the story but he has texts from this woman talking about holding him up for money and a video she took of them in bed together that is supposedly after he beat her up and she doesn't have any of those bruises? She was also apparently denied a restraining order which is very rare and might indicate that the judge thought she was lying. The thing seems less clear cut than I thought but who knows. It's not like i think Bauer should be given the benefit of the doubt.

TRO denials are not as rare as you would think. It also does not *necessarily* indicate that the judge thinks she is lying. It may indicate that the judge did not find the described behavior to rise to the level of TRO, or (more likely) that there is not enough information to make that order. There are also different levels of TRO available, so it's never clear-cut.

# ¿ Oct 3, 2023 19:22

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

Red posted:

Here's the thing, though: There was more than one woman involved, and each had similar claims of extreme/visible injury and trauma. There are photos of bruising, and so on.

So. Are we being asked to believe that each case involved a woman who asked Bauer to have violent sex with them, then changed their story and tried to squeeze him for money?

And crucially, none of this matters to the individual TRO being requested by that particular woman.

If she did not have enough evidence to convince the judge there was anything there, they would have been unlikely to grant the TRO. (That's a broad generalization, please note.)

Edit: okay I'll leave this up but nobody respond

# ¿ Oct 3, 2023 21:22

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

I. Can't write tonight.

The pain is too close, too real.

Part 5 coming maybe...?

# ¿ Oct 5, 2023 23:51

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

euphronius posted:

What good SP is a FA this winter?

You can't have him

# ¿ Oct 11, 2023 15:08

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

Some Numbers posted:

He also can't pitch until at least 2025

Well don't sign him then

# ¿ Oct 11, 2023 18:31

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

Intruder posted:

trade for anthony rendon instead

I will send an amount of my personal money to any franchise that gets that chickenshit gold-bricking son of a bitch out of my life

I can't do this for another season

Edit to be more clear about it

mdemone fucked around with this message at 18:44 on Oct 11, 2023

# ¿ Oct 11, 2023 18:36

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

whom amongst us has not gone missing in Cancun

# ¿ Oct 16, 2023 18:11

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

Bregor posted:

Are you thinking what I�m thinking?

book Anthony Rendon tickets go Cancun immediately

......I cannot confirm or deny the existence of this post

# ¿ Oct 16, 2023 18:57

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

Pobrecito posted:

i would legit cry and maybe stop watching baseball

# ¿ Oct 26, 2023 14:26

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

live with fruit posted:

The Padres could solve their problems by trading prospects for pitching. The offense is set, and they have Musgrove and Darvish who they hope bounce back, they just need pitching depth.

you can't have him

# ¿ Oct 26, 2023 17:57

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

bawfuls posted:

he�s not pitching next year anyway

you can't have him either

# ¿ Oct 26, 2023 18:35

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

bawfuls posted:

you can�t stop me

I will get on a plane to kick the rear end of anyone who even slightly threatens to take my good boy

# ¿ Oct 26, 2023 18:53

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

This is all very upsetting

# ¿ Oct 26, 2023 19:18

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

bawfuls posted:

Baseball successfully shrank the vertical extent of the strike zone in 1969 without any computers or LiDAR or trackman data. They changed the definition in the rule book and told the umpires to adjust, and they did.

Not for nothing, and maybe I'm alone here, but given how precise StatCast zone calls are, I'm kinda shocked that umps generally perform as well as they do.

I think there should be some kind of VAR system, perhaps called on by a one-time challenge flag? I dunno.

# ¿ Nov 1, 2023 21:19

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

It's either challenges or robo-umps, we are gonna have to pick one

# ¿ Nov 1, 2023 21:24

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

Traxis posted:

I hope Ohtani doesn't sign until like mid February. Just drag it out as long as possible.

Reported for targeted violence

# ¿ Nov 2, 2023 20:33

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

General Dog posted:

Seems like he�d just stick with the Angels; they�re probably willing to pay as much as anybody

Don't say it out loud

# ¿ Nov 2, 2023 22:23

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

Shinjobi posted:

Hell yeah, get on over here Shohei

You can't have him either

# ¿ Nov 2, 2023 22:23

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

# ¿ Nov 2, 2023 22:26

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

Pobrecito posted:

I hope the Texas Rangers sign Ohtani and Battleship Yamamato and win the next 10 world series in a row.

I WILL NOT BROOK THIS CHICANERY

# ¿ Nov 2, 2023 22:27

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

Monathin posted:

The funniest part about being a fan of a team who has absolutely 0% shot to sign shohei ohtani is that I can just watch mdemone's deteriorating mental state all offseason

You can't have him either, whoever you are

# ¿ Nov 2, 2023 22:34

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

I did have someone point out to me that it sounded like I was seriously threatening the life of Anthony Rendon so I pumped the brakes a bit on that

# ¿ Nov 2, 2023 22:35

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

Monathin posted:

lmfao mdem i'm a guards fan, if you're getting poached by the loving cleveland goddamn guardians you got bigger problems

Unironically one of the few teams I would actually accept him going to

# ¿ Nov 2, 2023 22:38

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

euphronius posted:

Isn�t he already dead?

You don't know that

# ¿ Nov 2, 2023 22:46

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

Redeye Flight posted:

Would you accept Your Minnesota Twins?

Yes but that's in the Cleveland Bin of Never

# ¿ Nov 2, 2023 23:37

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

bawfuls posted:

ok but the idea that the MLBPA does not and can not give a poo poo about how potential new policies impact minor league players is incorrect

N: https://twitter.com/jonmorosi/status/1720194073313624150

V: get it done Andrew

Yes that's right. Sign a guy who can pitch next year. Go on.

# ¿ Nov 2, 2023 23:57

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

Prof. Spaceman posted:

Also, it's not the religion itself, at least in the form of what Jesus actually preached. It's that at least 9 out of 10 (white) people that are this openly religious also have horrifying personal politics. It's never "I worship every Sunday and also Trans Rights." it's always "Glory be to God and his perfect equal, Donald Trump".

Correlation does not equal causation, but there is a loooooot of correlation out there. That's what makes people nervous.

Yeah, if you just take the words of Jesus at face value it is some pretty radical poo poo, even for today (especially for today?)

Real, capital-C Communism. If people actually lived by the book of Matthew this world would be unrecognizable.

# ¿ Nov 3, 2023 20:55

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

R.D. Mangles posted:

I want to talk about Jesus.

Me too but I'm afraid it will jinx the re-signing

# ¿ Nov 3, 2023 21:03

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

ARTE

WALL THE gently caress ET

# ¿ Nov 6, 2023 20:01

mdemone: Mar 14, 2001

Red posted:

It's probably more likely he'll be a reliever or a limited starter.

I think he could be a great mid-reliever, he's got enough pitch variety to get through the order more than once.

He's only going to accept being a starter, though. At least until his body forces him to stop.

# ¿ Nov 8, 2023 19:41