PHP code:

function convert_filth($text) {
		
	$BAD_WORDS_MAP = array(
	
	# Originals
	'gently caress' => 'gently caress',
	'poo poo' => 'poo poo',
	'drat' => 'drat',
	'rear end' => 'rear end',
	'rear end in a top hat' => 'rear end in a top hat',
	'oval office' => 'oval office',
	'loving' => 'loving',
	'hosed'=> 'hosed',
	'lovely' => 'lovely',
	'making GBS threads' => 'making GBS threads',
	'human being' => 'human being',
	'friend of the family' =>  'friend of the family',
	
	# Thread suggestions
	'Trump' => 'dumber hitler',
	'MTG' => 'a dumb game for nerds',
	'RBG' => 'idiot',
	
	'Lowtax' => 'dear Richard',
	
	'Slugworth' => 'Smugworth',
	
	'Penis' => 'peanits',
	'Hurts' => 'hort',
	
	'finger' => 'fingat',
	
	'the' => 'teh',
	
	'OP' => 'my father in law',
	
	'word filter' => 'potato salad',
	 
	'Toronto' => 'Montreal',
	'Montreal' => 'Boston',
	'Boston' => 'Toronto',
	// "same with leafs/habs/bruins" TODO
	
	'goon' => 'gooooooon',
	
	'lowtax' => 'wizard master',
	'wizard master' => 'lowtax',
	
	'hunter2' => '*******',
	
	'Pokemon' => "Pokémon",
	
	'women' => ':females:',
	
	'goku' => 'vegeta',
	
	'hello' => '«привет все»',
	'greetings' => '«привет все»',
	'hi' => '«привет все»'
	);
	
	foreach($BAD_WORDS_MAP as $badword => $goodword) {
		$badword = "/\b{$badword}\b/i";
		$out[$badword] = $goodword; 
	}
	
	$filth_out = array_values($out);
	$filth_in = array_keys($out);
	
    return preg_replace($filth_in, $filth_out, $text);
}