r/relationships: it sounds like I'm having sex with a parrot or malfunctioning robot

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > r/relationships: it sounds like I'm having sex with a parrot or malfunctioning robot

Call Your Grandma: Jan 17, 2010

TehRedWheelbarrow posted:

its an easy quick 6er to learn

Yeah I think the best approach is to just let people do their thing and zap em when they act inappropriately.

Anyway here's some content:

I [23f] created a 1:1 scale puppet version of my boyfriend [22m] and showed it to him during foreplay as a joke. Now he hasn�t texted me in 12 hours and I�m starting to get worried. How do I get him to text me back?

quote:

The title pretty much says it all, but here are some more details: my boyfriend of six months and I have had a pretty cut and dry relationship up to this point. I�ve always been what some people would call �quirky,� so pranks are sort of my bread and butter. He, John, has expressed that he really likes this part of me and I�m just happy to be with someone who can handle all of my zest, lol! Sometimes I worry that he doesn�t actually think I�m as funny as he says, but he always reassures me that this is not the case. One of the ways we really like to express our humor to each other is in the bedroom, for example I love to do impressions of mostly Disney characters (such as the �paperwork� lady from Monsters Inc, haha). He sometimes does them too, but he�s not that good at voices.

So here�s where I think I may have taken it too far: I recently bought a sewing machine to try and make cosplay costumes and stuff, but something dawned on me as I was messing around with it. This was the plan:

We oftentimes sexytimes with a habitual back rub massage sort of thing, and we switch off. And then we progress into french kissing and then full blown you know what. One very important fact to tell you is that John does in fact wear glasses, so I will usually make a point to take them off and put them on the table for safety. During this particular romp in the hay, I got a really funny idea about how to take his glasses off next time and I couldn�t stop laughing. He asked me what I was laughing at because he has some insecurity about his appearance, but I assured him that it was nothing like that. We had our fun and John went home, but all I could think about was this plan.

So the next day I went to the fabric store and bought a bunch of skin colored felt and wire framing and cotton and got to work creating a muppet-style version of my boyfriend to put his glasses on next time we started getting dirty style. Honestly, the thing was looking pretty good and I even found some clothes at Goodwill that were his style. I dressed the puppet in the clothes, hid them under my collection of squishmallows that�s in my room, and invited him over.

To spare you all the explicit details, we did start kissing and taking clothes off and stuff, but my hands were shaking as I reached up to grab his glasses. Instead of putting it on my nightstand I made a point to say something like �I�m just gonna put these riiiiight here� as I stretched over to the squishmallow that was covering the puppet boyfriend�s head and put the glasses right over his felt eyes. He got confused I think and looked back to where I put the glasses and sat up, as a felt version of his face (very easily identifiable by the way, John has red hair and a mustache, so the glasses on top left little question of who this could be). He was silent for a second then said �is that supposed to be me?� as I was laughing. I said something like �do you like it?� as I took it out of the squishmallow pile and revealed the entirety of muppet John.

�Oh did you make that?� he asked, and I stood it up off the bed and asked him to stand next to it. �See? It�s just like you basically!� I said, but he still wasn�t laughing that much. I think he saw that the muppet ended up being just a little bit taller than him (he�s 5�7 and probably insecure about that, the muppet ended up accidentally being a little taller than him, around 6�1 based on seeing them side by side).

I noticed his disappointment and did a tried and true disney impression to make him feel better. In my best Goofy impression I said �Well, looks like we should call him Big, John, Hyuck!� John just took the glasses off of Big John and let him fall to the floor, and put the glasses on the nightstand and sat on the bed for a while but we eventually went to Sin city but it was a lot more quiet than usual. He left after that, even though we were planning on having a sleepover, he said he wasn�t feeling good. I texted him goodnight and went to bed.

So here�s the ish: this morning I haven�t gotten any good morning text, or any texts at all from him, even though he always sends me a good morning text. I�m worried that Big John was a step too far and that normal john didn�t think the joke was as funny as I did. I feel like he�s just putting me in an uncomfortable position by not telling me how this made him really feel, even though I thought it was pretty funny� Is this salvageable or am I effed?

tl;dr : Created a life-sized puppet of my boyfriend to put his glasses on. But, I think it made him insecure, and now he wont text me.

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ¿ Apr 3, 2024 01:25

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# ¿ May 17, 2024 17:49

Call Your Grandma: Jan 17, 2010

keep punching joe posted:

Cure is simple, get a fruit net.

but doctor, I am a fruit net.

# ¿ Apr 4, 2024 13:53

Call Your Grandma: Jan 17, 2010

was his name alex?

# ¿ Apr 6, 2024 12:50

Call Your Grandma: Jan 17, 2010

Pope Hilarius II posted:

At work I avoid sitting in the landscape office

uh what?

# ¿ Apr 10, 2024 23:24

Call Your Grandma: Jan 17, 2010

honestly they should just move to the pathfinder system

# ¿ Apr 12, 2024 00:35

Call Your Grandma: Jan 17, 2010

Shanghaied posted:

My "I take my role as a husband and father seriously" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

And I don't know, while I don't think it's anything to go to pieces for, it was kind of mean-spirited. It was barely a joke. Like in what way was it a joke?

Joke understander logging on:

This joke starts with the premise that "baby fashion" is a thing that maybe some people care about. The OJ's stance on this issue is that "baby fashion" is something they do not care about. In order for this joke to land, "baby fashion" must also be something that the JT does not care about. The joke typology is self-deprecation, where their shared baby is bad at "baby fashion". Because both the OJ and the JT do not care about "baby fashion", it should be funny rather than hurtful.

The J doesn't land, possibly because the OJ was mistaken in their belief that the JT does not care about "baby fashion".

# ¿ Apr 12, 2024 13:38

Call Your Grandma: Jan 17, 2010

I just want to say that all boobie sizes are equally cherished in the eyes of our prophet muhammad.

# ¿ Apr 16, 2024 00:46

Call Your Grandma: Jan 17, 2010

The Alchemist posted:

And lastly, and worst of all, he has never actually been allergic to dogs and just doesn't like them.

# ¿ Apr 18, 2024 12:17

Call Your Grandma: Jan 17, 2010

3D Megadoodoo posted:

Hey fuckos,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuQhkMdYGhw

ahh so definitely nta then

# ¿ Apr 20, 2024 14:42

Call Your Grandma: Jan 17, 2010

mystes posted:

By blowing all his money on a horse farm, apparently

imagine the life he could have been living if he invested in a money farm instead

# ¿ Apr 30, 2024 03:02

Call Your Grandma: Jan 17, 2010

video games are great for building up vocabulary. your 10th grade teachers sure aren't going to teach you what a zweihander is.

# ¿ May 4, 2024 21:03

Call Your Grandma: Jan 17, 2010

InediblePenguin posted:

this is so ........ he JUST HAPPENED to accidentally swipe the exact item that would be apparently related to her recent trip? "parts of it that should have been glass didn't look like glas" what the gently caress does this mean? in the first post it was an extremely specific item that he would be unlikely to just have, but hey, it turns out it was in fact just some random poo poo somebody owned that he knew nothing about and grabbed without knowing anything and hey presto it's the perfect hyperspecific gift to relate to this person's vacation and he did it totally by accident by swiping it off a shelf at his mom's house. he knew nothing at all about it although it's insanely important to his mom and their only link to the old country that he didn't know she was from and poo poo too.

what the hell IS this apparently diamond-studded item

poop dagger

# ¿ May 5, 2024 15:35

Call Your Grandma: Jan 17, 2010

John Wick of Dogs posted:

Ross masturbating in the back of the truck: I WAS ON A FIFTEEN MINUTE BREAK

lol

# ¿ May 9, 2024 00:59

Call Your Grandma: Jan 17, 2010

WIBTA if I dump my big, gay horse

quote:

My [F32] close friend John [M34] and I recently bought a horse, Lenny, together. It's been a lot of work but we've figured out how to share the responsibility and made a flexible schedule so we can take him for rides when we want without stepping on each others' toes. The one place where our opinions differ though, is that John sees Lenny as a close companion but I admit that he's more of an investment. I found a trainer at a local stud farm that thought Lenny would make for a great line, but we found out immediately that he prefers the company of other males.

John thinks we should keep Lenny even though he's clearly never going to sire any foals like we hoped. He's taking this a lot more lightly than I am and I kind of blew up at him a bit and we both said some things we regret. He thinks I should love Lenny unconditionally while I blame him for spoiling Lenny and being a bad role model.

I've made arrangements to auction Lenny off but John thinks I'm being unfair and he's practically begging me to keep him. I can afford to give Lenny a good home for the rest of his life and, as an older horse, it's hard finding the right family for him but at this point, I just want to be rid of him. It's nothing personal, it's just that he's not what I signed on for. WIBTA if I go through with this?

# ¿ May 15, 2024 02:38

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# ¿ May 17, 2024 17:49

Call Your Grandma: Jan 17, 2010

the only thing i remember from band of brothers is when that one dude finds a flower and then i think he gives it to a nurse and they get married after the war iirc

# ¿ May 15, 2024 23:27

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > r/relationships: it sounds like I'm having sex with a parrot or malfunctioning robot