ASoIaF: A Song of Ice and Fire: George Rail Road Martin

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some bust on that guy: Jan 21, 2006; This avatar was paid for by the Silent Majority.

The Poetry of the Bad Thread

syscall girl posted:

There once was a girl from highgarden,
whose butt was continually fartin,
she put a cork in her rear end
to stop up the gas
but she swole up like george rr martin

Hazard2GoSu posted:

As we are in December now, I got into the holiday spirit and made a themed Night Before Christmas.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was writing, the books never coming out
The calenders were stored under the sink with neglect
"The suckers will still buy them even if they're soaking wet"
The rapists were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of lemoncakes danced in their heads
And Ty in her 'kerchief, and gurm in his cap
Had just settled down for a post-pizza nap
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
Ty sprang from the bed, gurm voided his bladder
Away to the window Ty flew like a flash
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash
When, what to her wondering eyes should appear
But a bunch of strange dudes, with goony neckbeards
With a little old driver, who hailed from Estonia
Ty knew in a moment it must be Viconia
More rapid than turtles the goons did jog
And she whistled, and shouted, and named all the slobs
"Now, IRQ! Now, Haraksha! Dendra and Hedrigall!
On, Bengraven! On Savinhill! Bummey and Blade_of_tyshalle!
To the top of the porch! Get that pizza on the hook!
We'll catch the Absolute Fucker so he'll finish the book!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
They kicked in the door and entered the sty
Pizza boxes piled high, evidence of his vices
Shelves loaded with mini figurines and half-eaten slices
And then, from upstairs, came a thunderous booming
"Go now!" shouted Viconia, "The fat fuckers moving!"
As they all turned to charge, Ty rushed them with zeal
Wearing HBO armor, armed with Valyrian Steel
"To the panic room gurm! I'll hold them!" she yelled
The goons met her charge, IRQ screamed "Like hell!"
They flailed and they slapped and blew chunks of snot
While gurm wheezed and mumbled about a Meereenese Knot
Now Ty held her own, she really did great
But the goons were fueled with the power of hate
They took away her sword, turned her armor to rust
Their manhoods glistened wetly, their eyes full of lust
They plowed and they pumped her, a truly grotesque site
When an ear splitting fart sounded out through the night
"You leave here alone", yelled gurm, "and go out to the yard"
"And you'll each get a signed copy of Wild Cards!"
The goons heads all snapped up, pure hate in their glares
When a torrent of feces came rushing down the stairs
It blasted them like a Jet, his rear end in a top hat was Giant
They just couldn't resist, no matter how defiant
He spoke not a word, and started to fart
The fumes striking them nauseous like a well-poisoned dart
"Run!", screamed Viconia, "Its too much, we're defeated!"
The goons coughed in rage, but one and all, retreated
Outside on the lawn, their poo poo filled wounds smartin'
"Its over", she whispered. The goons fled, disheartened.
But they heard him exclaim, as they ran from his fartin'
Merry Christmas to all!
EDITED BY GEORGE R R MARTIN

ThaGhettoJew posted:

In a unfinished series, with patrimonial hair
Warm smell of fresh pastries, lemon cakes the air
Up ahead in the future, lying publishing dates
My soul went darker and my rage grew bright
I had to stop for the hate
There he stood on the Con stage;
Ignoring bloggers' ire
And I was posting to myself,
�There's no such thing as Ice and Fire�
Then he posted 'bout football, a new Wild Cards book,
There were voices on the internet,
I just had to look...

Welcome to the Song of Ice and Fire
You can get the rape
In a book on tape
Plenty of time waiting for our Ice and Fire
Every single year, it will not be here

Our minds are fanfiction-twisted, we got ironic tags
We got a lot of angry, angry posts, we call ourselves fags
How we pound on our keyboards, sweet 'spergin regret.
drat Dance would be lovely or we'd love to forget

So I called up my browser,
�please check Not-A-Blog�
It said, �Ty won�t let you post here, since you seemed to slip a cog�
And still those posters are typing in rage and dread,
Staying up till the middle of the night
Just to read the thread...

Welcome all to the Song of Ice and Fire
Carved it with a knife
"I'm Bad Thread 4 Lyfe"
We're going insane for the Wild Cards Ice and Fire
BB don't want us here, the mods are clear

Everyone's a Targaryen,
Our theories all will say
And we said, �we are our own punishment here' and just waste away
And in the writer�s chambers,
Slumbered a Mountainous beast
Pizza crusts and some blood-stained notes,
All left over from Feast

Last thing I remember, I was
Reading some Hodor slash
I had to find the sample text
From before my laptop crash

�Just ,� said the thread mod,
It would be nice to believe.
Unsubscribe any time you like,
But you can never leave!

Tom Ripley posted:

Know then thyself, presume not GRRM to write,
The proper attitude is one of spite.
Placed in his mind in unfinished state,
A book of plodding plot and tremendous weight:
With too much written to brush aside,
With too much girth to run or hide,
He hangs between; in doubt to act, or rest;
In doubt to finish Dance, or end with Feast;
In doubt if writing or editing is the task;
His faithful fans are not the ones he asks;
Caring not, his reason such,
Whether he writes too little or too much:
His name on calendars, tv shows, and covers;
Yet all the hard work comes from others;
Created half to blog and half to eat;
In ev'ry town for his fans to meet;
Fans awaiting Dance, or even just a word:
The glory, jest, and riddle of the GRRM!

absolute fucker

killroy posted:

4 books by Mr. Martin
going on 13 years
Holy poo poo what is the deal

good jovi posted:

the mountain that writes
where is the book you fat gently caress
reading malazan

Bummey posted:

gently caress you George Martin
Where is A Dance With Dragons?
We've been waiting years

Daddyo posted:

There once was a fat gently caress named George
On pizza and beer did he gorge
His deadlines long past
10 tons weighs his rear end
now furry porn makes him engorged

Tipped posted:

Absolute Fucker
We shall see no new book, goons
Lemon Cakes rape us

Winter Cakes, like home
pine nuts, warm flavors
Tyrion, secret Targ

ThaGhettoJew posted:

A Limerical Cycle of Fire and Ice'cle

There once came from Jersey an author,
Who a lit'rary empire would father,
He'd write four in a hurry,
But football and furries
Made finishing too much a bother,

The Mountain that Writes is named Martin,
But Dragon died just after after starting,
On Ice and on Fire,
He thought he'd retire,
He can run out his clock with just farting,

On Thrones Clashing, Feasting, and Swording,
So much pathos and intrigue he's hoarding,
But while he revises,
His gut supersizes,
And will Dance down the path trod by Jordan.

# ? Jul 4, 2017 16:12

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# ? Jun 4, 2024 12:50

kcroy: May 30, 2002; by Nyc_Tattoo

Sassy Sasquatch posted:

4 was just an endless depiction of the protagonists either loving, eating, or a mix of both. It's kinda like asoiaf in that regard.

It was lovely "The Gang's All Here" type thing with the different worlds. Like they couldn't be bothered to make up new and interesting web worlds. The time travel/age gap thing also creeped me out a bit on this read through - especially when he'd still call her "kiddo" even though he was banging her. plus the 5000000000 plot holes. And the painful time travel explanations, so as to include cool characters that died in first two books. And overuse of any phrase that was mildly clever.. Just too many things stuck out for it to be an enjoyable read this time through. It pushed my "suspension of disbelief" past the breaking point.

# ? Jul 5, 2017 00:12

Groovelord Neato: Dec 6, 2014

i dunno how it's so hard to write a book after you're set for life. it's possibly the easiest job in the world. you just make poo poo up.

# ? Jul 5, 2017 00:27

dentist toy box: Oct 9, 2012; There's a haint in the foothills of NC; the haint of the #3 chevy. The rich have formed a holy alliance to exorcise it but they'll never fucking catch him.

Sassy Sasquatch posted:

It is:
https://tinyurl.com/ybo3loue

That "Edited by" text keeps getting smaller and smaller.

# ? Jul 5, 2017 03:24

emanresu tnuocca: Sep 2, 2011; by Athanatos

Groovelord Neato posted:

i dunno how it's so hard to write a book after you're set for life. it's possibly the easiest job in the world. you just make poo poo up.

OTOH why bother unless you're really into it and feel happy with what you're writing?

It's obvious that writing doesn't come naturally to the gurm and that he's somewhat of a perfectionist when it comes to writing and repeatedly re-writing his poo poo, it's pretty clear that this poo poo stresses him out and that he'd rather not write than write something he isn't happy with.

# ? Jul 5, 2017 10:22

MalarkeyToboggan: Jan 4, 2015

I sometimes work from home and instead of doing any actual work I read sports news and watch Youtube videos. In a way I can relate to gurm. Procrastination is the easiest and most satisfying trap to fall into.

# ? Jul 5, 2017 10:32

Cavelcade: Dec 9, 2015; I'm actually a boy!

emanresu tnuocca posted:

OTOH why bother unless you're really into it and feel happy with what you're writing?

It's obvious that writing doesn't come naturally to the gurm and that he's somewhat of a perfectionist when it comes to writing and repeatedly re-writing his poo poo, it's pretty clear that this poo poo stresses him out and that he'd rather not write than write something he isn't happy with.

I dunno, there's an interview with an Irish rugby player, Johnny Sexton, who's one of the best players in the world. According to him, the only thing worse than playing rugby is not playing rugby - he hates it, because he's so good that he's aware of any mistake he makes pretty much in real time, even when they're minute. TBH I imagine it's something similar for GRRM.

# ? Jul 5, 2017 10:42

pidan: Nov 6, 2012

If I were GRRM I'd just hire a ghostwriter like JK Rowling is rumoured to have done once she was a millionaire and had better things to do than write fantasy novels. He could probably supervise the writing process to make sure no plot elements sneak in that would affect his future dunk & egg stories. His writing style is nothing special anyway.

# ? Jul 5, 2017 11:57

emanresu tnuocca: Sep 2, 2011; by Athanatos

I like GRRM's writing. I sometimes feel I might be the only one who does.

# ? Jul 5, 2017 12:06

Cavelcade: Dec 9, 2015; I'm actually a boy!

pidan posted:

If I were GRRM I'd just hire a ghostwriter like JK Rowling is rumoured to have done once she was a millionaire and had better things to do than write fantasy novels. He could probably supervise the writing process to make sure no plot elements sneak in that would affect his future dunk & egg stories. His writing style is nothing special anyway.

I have never heard this and am very doubtful of it. A quick google doesn't show up anything in favour of the rumour, where did it come from?

# ? Jul 5, 2017 12:25

pidan: Nov 6, 2012

It's just a rumor maintained by some people who dislike the writing and plot of the later (or middle) books. There's no real evidence and I don't personally believe it. If you Google it, you should be able to find some people discussing it.

# ? Jul 5, 2017 12:36

SirKibbles: Feb 27, 2011; I didn't like your old red text so here's some dancing cash.

emanresu tnuocca posted:

OTOH why bother unless you're really into it and feel happy with what you're writing?

It's obvious that writing doesn't come naturally to the gurm and that he's somewhat of a perfectionist when it comes to writing and repeatedly re-writing his poo poo, it's pretty clear that this poo poo stresses him out and that he'd rather not write than write something he isn't happy with.

The thing is he has a ton of writer friends, ask them for advice you fucker it's been like 6 years.

# ? Jul 5, 2017 14:12

Zenithe: Feb 25, 2013; _{Ask not to whom the Anidavatar belongs; it belongs to thee.}

Hyperion is the best sci fi book I've ever read, but it should have ended at the end of the first book.

e. Also, Dan Simmons is a massive shithead now, read Flashback if you don't believe me.

Zenithe fucked around with this message at 15:43 on Jul 5, 2017

# ? Jul 5, 2017 15:41

Kavak: Aug 23, 2009

Zenithe posted:

Hyperion is the best sci fi book I've ever read, but it should have ended at the end of the first book.

This but Dune.

# ? Jul 5, 2017 15:55

whowhatwhere: Mar 15, 2010; SHINee's back

Zenithe posted:

Hyperion is the best sci fi book I've ever read, but it should have ended at the end of the first book.

This but The Left Hand of Darkness didn't have a sequel :smuggo:

# ? Jul 5, 2017 16:19

emanresu tnuocca: Sep 2, 2011; by Athanatos

Kavak posted:

This but Dune.

I think God Emperor is the best dune novel but I know many disagree.

In anyway the entire dune series basically goes Dune - filler - filler - filler - God Emperor - unnecessary epilogues, whether you like God Emperor or not it's pretty much the only book other than the first one that actually has a point.

emanresu tnuocca fucked around with this message at 19:43 on Jul 5, 2017

# ? Jul 5, 2017 16:59

reignofevil: Nov 7, 2008

SirKibbles posted:

The thing is he has a ton of writer friends, ask them for advice you fucker it's been like 6 years.

You know he talked his series up hardcore to them all and now he couldn't look em in the eye if he asked for help.

# ? Jul 5, 2017 17:07

counterfeitsaint: Feb 26, 2010; I'm a girl, and you're
gnomes, and it's like
what? Yikes.

You don't need to be a writer to advise someone to not take on 37 loving new projects that they don't need to take on. Some free advice for gurm right there.

# ? Jul 5, 2017 19:13

Max: Nov 30, 2002

God Emperor is great, it's the two that come after that are dogshit.

# ? Jul 5, 2017 19:15

IRQ: Sep 9, 2001; SUCK A DICK, DUMBSHITS!

Aren't there 3 dogshit books after God Emperor? The ones by Frank that is, not his idiot son.

# ? Jul 5, 2017 21:12

The MUMPSorceress: Jan 6, 2012; ^SHTPSTS; Gary’s Answer

emanresu tnuocca posted:

I think God Emperor is the best dune novel but I know many disagree.

In anyway the entire dune series basically goes Dune - filler - filler - filler - God Emperor - unnecessary epilogues, whether you like God Emperor or not it's pretty much the only book other than the first one that actually has a point.

i agree that god emperor is the best.

# ? Jul 5, 2017 21:25

Sephyr: Aug 28, 2012

emanresu tnuocca posted:

I think God Emperor is the best dune novel but I know many disagree.

In anyway the entire dune series basically goes Dune - filler - filler - filler - God Emperor - unnecessary epilogues, whether you like God Emperor or not it's pretty much the only book other than the first one that actually has a point.

I also love God emperor. But yeah, half of the books in the Dune series would have been better off as stand-alone stories in a different setting. I enjoyed Messiah as a very rare look at the 'day after' the epic victory of the underdog, when ideals are all but spent and everyone is chafing at the compromises and changes their own hard choices created.

Children of Dune does that a little, but it also gets lost in trying to bring back elements from the first book and setting things up for God-Emperor.

# ? Jul 5, 2017 22:58

SirKibbles: Feb 27, 2011; I didn't like your old red text so here's some dancing cash.

counterfeitsaint posted:

You don't need to be a writer to advise someone to not take on 37 loving new projects that they don't need to take on. Some free advice for gurm right there.

He has like a fuckton of things going on. Fire and Blood (which I don't understand him doing this if the mainline series isn't done) Dunk & Egg has 8 more books, he's editing wild cards and Wild cards is getting a show on SYFY, he's got GoT writing consultations and he's pitching 5 different series so that HBO can pick one of those because GoT prints money.

That's way too much poo poo for a guy who was already stuck on what to do next. But all those things pull in way more money, way easier. Than figuring book story poo poo out in a way that's satisfying for readers. I think he knows he kind of hosed up a little with ADWD and it's easier to put it off.

# ? Jul 5, 2017 23:13

Max: Nov 30, 2002

IRQ posted:

Aren't there 3 dogshit books after God Emperor? The ones by Frank that is, not his idiot son.

Nope, just 2.

# ? Jul 5, 2017 23:20

Groovelord Neato: Dec 6, 2014

the sparrow is the best scifi book and it's not close.

# ? Jul 5, 2017 23:42

kcroy: May 30, 2002; by Nyc_Tattoo

emanresu tnuocca posted:

I think God Emperor is the best dune novel but I know many disagree.

In anyway the entire dune series basically goes Dune - filler - filler - filler - God Emperor - unnecessary epilogues, whether you like God Emperor or not it's pretty much the only book other than the first one that actually has a point.

I liked God Emperor, but I liked all of them. ( That Frank wrote... not the other ridiculous poo poo his son did ).

I'm not gonna say it was better than Dune - but I Agree that it is interesting and deals with some new and clever material.

Zenithe posted:

Hyperion is the best sci fi book I've ever read, but it should have ended at the end of the first book.

e. Also, Dan Simmons is a massive shithead now, read Flashback if you don't believe me.

do you mean after book1/2? Or literally book 1, before there is any plot resolution.

I tried reading other stuff by Simmons, and it is all complete crap. I have this theory that most writers only have 1 good book in them. One story that has been percolating in the back of their heads, so it has all the minor touches and details that make it rich and interesting. And it might be a trilogy - or whatever. Not saying one literal book. There are obviously exceptions. Some authors generate lots of new ideas and executions - but mostly I find that secondary series tend to rehash the same themes and writing style.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 00:45

GodFish: Oct 10, 2012; We're your first, last, and only line of defense. We live in secret. We exist in shadow.

And we dress in black.

Even without any actual plot resolution just Hyperion is a really strong sci-fi book on its own, definitely one of my favorites.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 02:38

Zenithe: Feb 25, 2013; _{Ask not to whom the Anidavatar belongs; it belongs to thee.}

kcroy posted:

do you mean after book1/2? Or literally book 1, before there is any plot resolution.

Yeah, I enjoyed it a lot more before things started getting explained. Exploring a world through a series of vignettes was by far the best thing about that series.

It even makes sense from a narrative point of view, as the actual Hyperion poem wasn't finished either.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 02:54

The MUMPSorceress: Jan 6, 2012; ^SHTPSTS; Gary’s Answer

I'm just finishing Children of the Sky and the whole A Fire Upon The Deep series is really strong. For me the best scifi will always be The Culture with Look to Windward as its apex.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 04:19

kcroy: May 30, 2002; by Nyc_Tattoo

cis autodrag posted:

I'm just finishing Children of the Sky and the whole A Fire Upon The Deep series is really strong. For me the best scifi will always be The Culture with Look to Windward as its apex.

read the wiki, sounds interesting.

Zenithe posted:

Yeah, I enjoyed it a lot more before things started getting explained. Exploring a world through a series of vignettes was by far the best thing about that series.

It even makes sense from a narrative point of view, as the actual Hyperion poem wasn't finished either.

yeah I can see that. For me I think the good cut off point would have been the tombs opening. So we get just a bit of the continued stories, but end with a bunch of unresolved conflicts. And cuz the tombs opening is pretty dope. I was super excited when I got to that part.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 11:57

Cavelcade: Dec 9, 2015; I'm actually a boy!

I somehow managed to just read Dune and God Emperor and it was good. Then I read Chapterhouse: Dune and wished I hadn't.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 12:03

Mundi: Sep 19, 2011; Your voice is ambrosia

I gave up trough the middle of heretics of dune, gently caress that book was boring and I really liked the previous 4 books

# ? Jul 6, 2017 14:21

IRQ: Sep 9, 2001; SUCK A DICK, DUMBSHITS!

Max posted:

Nope, just 2.

I forgot Dune Messiah existed apparently.

# ? Jul 6, 2017 15:08

kcroy: May 30, 2002; by Nyc_Tattoo

Cavelcade posted:

I somehow managed to just read Dune and God Emperor and it was good. Then I read Chapterhouse: Dune and wished I hadn't.

see I was ok with the later ones. maybe cuz I read them when I was younger, and was so hungry for new content or something.

Anyone read other Herbert stuff like the WorShip stuff? Like dune, but water! ish. or something.

# ? Jul 7, 2017 07:59

GodFish: Oct 10, 2012; We're your first, last, and only line of defense. We live in secret. We exist in shadow.

And we dress in black.

Zenithe posted:

Yeah, I enjoyed it a lot more before things started getting explained. Exploring a world through a series of vignettes was by far the best thing about that series.

It even makes sense from a narrative point of view, as the actual Hyperion poem wasn't finished either.

Neither was Canterbury Tales I think.

I would have liked 2 a lot more if the delivery of most of the explanations hadn't been incredibly confusing. The actual connection of the all the plots from 1 was really good. Well, most of them.

# ? Jul 7, 2017 12:01

emanresu tnuocca: Sep 2, 2011; by Athanatos

I really liked the Zoroastrian conflict between the two singularities, I thought it was a very strong sci-fi concept, but the problem with such concepts is that the execution often devolves to the point where you as a reader just think that everyone could make weird poo poo up and go 'this poo poo is so advanced it is not supposed to make any sense!!!', I think that the novels could have really benefited from showing us a lot less about the far future and leaving some mysteries as just being mysteries instead of explicitly describing future-god-magic-technology nonsense.

The world is super cool though, which is part of why the Endymion novels suck a little because we go from a very slick and fantastic sci-fi environment which evokes tons of incredibly imagery into a more standard sci-fi universe. I mean I liked the books when I read them but really the first one is on a different league than the rest.

# ? Jul 7, 2017 12:25

RoboChrist 9000: Dec 14, 2006; Mater Dolorosa

Man, I love me some God Emperor of Dune. It's a shame we'll never see where the series was actually heading.

# ? Jul 7, 2017 12:33

emanresu tnuocca: Sep 2, 2011; by Athanatos

RoboChrist 9000 posted:

Man, I love me some God Emperor of Dune. It's a shame we'll never see where the series was actually heading.

I don't think it's interesting to learn what happened beyond God Emperor, Herbert already delves very deeply into the whole concept of prescience and how it leads to tyranny and the enslavement of entire of humanity, Leto's grand plan is all about breeding humans that defy prescience, I think that's awesome and a good ending point.

That's why the last books suck, learning that he actually bred comic book superpowers is a boring take on the concept, we don't need to delve into the mechanics of what Leto did.

# ? Jul 7, 2017 12:48

Groovelord Neato: Dec 6, 2014

dune is poorly written which is a shame because the world building is incredible.

# ? Jul 8, 2017 06:48

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# ? Jun 4, 2024 12:50

kcroy: May 30, 2002; by Nyc_Tattoo

Groovelord Neato posted:

dune is poorly written which is a shame because the world building is incredible.

how is it poorly written? non english / writing / whatever major here.

# ? Jul 9, 2017 15:07

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > The Book Barn > ASoIaF: A Song of Ice and Fire: George Rail Road Martin

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