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Yeah post away friend, we will read it
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Apr 26, 2023 16:59
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ok cool its gonna be long and incredibly incoherent because that's the process at the moment, and i am happy to spoil or whatever to keep the thread readable so i am a jew. like, wasn't raised, converted -- a jew by choice. not for marriage or any other external locus*, but because at the time i believed that my head and heart and my twice-damned soul were moving in the correct direction by becoming a jew. that was, uh... twenty-ish years ago? what's unusual (as i understand it) about my conversion process (and i mean, i did all the poo poo, formation classes and mikvot and kashrut and the Beit Din and a b'mitzvah, the whole nine yards -- it took about three+ years, as i recall) and had incredible support from the community and other jews that i would commune with. i even started the process (after conversion) of the cantorate, doing music work and ministry in a lay(ish) capacity while i was waiting for the fuckin JTS to decide whether or not this particular convert could join the ranks so my conversion ceremony happens, i get my hebrew name, i recite the Shema holding a Torah from a burned out Czech synagogue, a loving Holocaust survivor (z''l) witnessed for me, there were tears &c, it was all very moving and I thought i'd had it sorted. right? lmao, no so like, the minute my conversion process was completed, the community, like, dropped me? like they were weirdly standoffish and it didn't help that at the time i was (okay, i still am) super-pro Palestinian (no, i dont think white phosphorus grenades should be used on marginalized peoples, sorry not sorry) and super-super active in LGBTQIA+ activism. i remember getting into a screaming fight with my rabbi around the DOMA (2008? maybe) because he wouldn't officiate gay weddings in our "progressive" shul because it was "against the law" and it's like, dude, you're on the wrong side of history, and and and so. my attendance at shul waned over the course of about five years, although i still kept the laws at home, Shabbat and kashrut and all that, and when the JTS said that i wasn't eligible for the cantorate (for a plethora of reasons, most of them academic at the time -- i have two master's degrees now and potentially a third on the way because i fuckin hate myself and fun and free time) i got a gig working for the episcopal church as a choral scholar and sacred music librarian now, the episcopal church ain't like nothing i ever encountered as far as christianity -- like, people read books and had debates about them and worked for social justice and held eucharists underneath bridges where the homeless pop slept in my city -- i got real into the music of the church while serving at ______ cathedral as well as a couple of parish churches and the whole time i'm like, episcopalians are cool as hell. i got to learn about thomas merton and that old fart cranmer and people like michael curry and brian cole and carol wade and remember having a conversation with loving kathryn jefferts-schorre when she came to visit. much like the reform jews, the episcopalians were always super welcoming, warm, heavily bent toward social justice and were doing poo poo like consecrating same sex marriages (whether or not this was outside the canons is not knowledge i have at this moment) i got into discussion groups about the bible that we had in fuckin like, bars and arcades and it was just generally a really fruitful and fulfilling time in my life. so i kept working in churches from then to now, serving as director of music for a UCC, a methodist, and a presbyterian congregation, but none of them ever felt like the episcopal church to me. at this point, i barely keep kosher, i haven't been to shabbat services in ages, and the only holidays i really acknowledge are rosh hashanah, yom kippur, and passover. i am now the director of music for a tiny episcopal parish in the middle of nowhere with an ageing (dying) congregation and a community that has a metric shitload of needs -- transient services, veterans' services, homeless and soup kitchen services, and and and i have been in my current position for a year. this gig is the nicest ive ever had -- i get to work and teach and have a ton of time left over for scholarship, research, ministry, etc. because i have had this "extra" time to really think about and move through my life and religious experience, it's been p dope. i have no blinders about just how incredibly lucky i am to get to do what i do. i'm fairly active outside of music ministry here as well; i run a soup kitchen night, i've started a compline service, i've gotten to talk about the history of women musicians in the church, etc; i've moderated formation hour, i've done children's and youth ministry, i am (of course) highly active in LGBTQIA+ and indigenous and POC outreach, and i do some interfaith work here as well -- mainly reconciliation, as that's a huge initiative in the episcopal church. i still don't take communion, i'm not baptized (never have been, as far as i know) and there are swaths of the prayers i just dont say (mainly the parts about Christ and the triune God and the like). I've never not believed in the holy spirit, but i conceive of the HS/HG as "the breath, the giver of life (kol haneshama)" who descends like a fire to help us speak truth to power and lift up the lowly. there's the background (mostly). its much messier than i'm presenting, but if you want the real gory details PM me. here's the problem: about three months ago i had a "milestone" birthday. i took a week off, hid in a tent in the woods, ate shrooms, and generally tried to see if i could sort myself out a bit. i did, but i'm learning that sorting oneself out is a process that takes time -- unfortunately, there is no on/off switch for being hosed up. about two months ago, i had a dream that i was a priest. please let me note -- i come from very superstitious and backwoods redneck motherfuckers from the hollers of appalachia. dreams and portents and prophecies were a Thing to my people, and while i take the tack that dreams are often (not always) the brain sorting out its meatbag's lived experiences, sometimes dreams might be a pull to something. after all, i met my longest longterm partner (20+ years, parted amiably, still love each other) after having a dream about them and then calling them up. so, for me, in my experience, some dreams mean A Thing. so then i was like LOL WHAT THE gently caress U A JEW, DOG. so i'm clinging to that identity, because when you convert specifically to judaism you are (sort of, not completely, i don't want to be appropriative) changing your ethnic and social identity alongside your religious and spiritual path. so i didn't do anything for like, a month -- i just kind of sat with "lmao what does this mean what the gently caress am i doing oh god help" so then i started, real slow and quiet like, asking questions of a dear friend of mine who is a lifelong episcopalian and in their 70s is undergoing discernment for ordination. just things like "what is the church to you, why did you decide to do this, what are your issues with church polity" &c) and bless them forever, they have been incredibly patient with my occasionally misguided and usually blasphemous questioning. and i started reading, like, a lot. im still reading a lot, but i did then, too (thanks ill be here all week) so then i read about THE DISCERNMENT PROCESS, which is huge and scary and whatever, and i was like, nah, man, i'm cool, i'll just keep being me and just being musical in the church until my rector stopped me in the hall after easter day service was done and said "you and i are gonna have A Talk" and i was like oh poo poo so it turns out the Talk takes, like, a million loving meetings? and like, homework and poo poo? so now after two meets (ongoing) with my priest and folks in this diocese i'm now in official, honest-to-god discernment courses -- real small baby steps. i am going very slowly, and i am trying to be very, very deliberate about all of this, because a) I'm A Jew, b) my last conversion process took for-loving-ever, c) lol oh god what am i doing here, and d) i need clarification, i guess, on the Holy Mysteries and Divine Miracles that are the bedrock of smells and bells church poo poo, right? so i turn to you, my beloved shitposting religious community, for help. i have a lot of basic questions about like, the baptismal covenant (in the context of High Church, i guess) but i am 120% open to any christian willing to sit with my bullshit. in the process of all of this, i am forming an idea of the kind of ministry i would do, and there are.... watchwords? things that catch my eye and my breath and make me go "gently caress YEAH I WANNA DO THAT LFG" but i wonder if i'm not just, caught up in the spirit? the other Big Thing I am struggling mightily with is this: when i converted, i considered myself a jew that needed to be codified -- like, i been a jew all my life, and the conversion process was just sort of, like, cementing that? but now i wonder if all of that pain and turmoil and struggle that i navigated was, like, not real? like because i am considering followin jesus, was all of that stuff just me like, lying, or, was it inauthentic? will i be betraying my beloved witnesses and former community because i... wasn't right when i said i was jewish? nobody, ever, likes to be told that they're wrong. and not only is the possibility that i was wrong, but that my spirit was wrong. i've been using the baptismal covenant of the episcopal church to kind of suss out what im feeling/thinking/being, and the whole part about dying unto sin makes me think, like, well, poo poo, is that what i'd do? i'd label my jewish life and two decades of experience as "sin" because i was wrong? and what's to say i'm not following yet another "wrong" path now, because i had a stupid fuckin dream with a golden host and the lights were so warm and comforting that i didn't want to wake up? im sure theres more but im at 10k+ words and im out of juice. hopefully there is something in this big loving pile of bullshit that yall can speak to, and even if there aint, i appreciate the chance to dump some of this out and try to sort through it xoxo yr longwinded rear end pal sinnesloechen lol gently caress i guess i should hit post *this is not entirely accurate. i started conversion because of a potential life-partner type situation but once that fell spectacularly and violently apart i kept going, for reasons
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Apr 27, 2023 00:37
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Obviously a great deal to unpack there but I wanted to focus on one particular question you asked. Speaking as someone whose own journey through, around, amidst faith has been a winding path at best, no I don't think you were wrong at all before. I think you were probably where you needed to be then, and maybe now you're on your way somewhere else is all.
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Apr 27, 2023 00:56
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Yeah, this is what I think also. You didn't 'waste time', it wasn't a meaningless conversion. You are on a path, and it's your path alone, and it can't be wrong if it's brought you to where you're standing right now. God comes to each person differently and he's led you through a winding path for sure, but it was a real path, and you are who you are.
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Apr 27, 2023 01:23
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So this isn't what your asking about at all but this stood out like a flare to me:sinnesloeschen posted:i have two master's degrees now and potentially a third on the way because i fuckin hate myself and fun and free time) You might want to reconsider this unless you have some specific and compelling reasons for stacking masters. Reasons like "this particular niche industry/career path I'm on needs these." Feel free to swing by the academia thread in SAL if you want to talk about that, but the tl;dr is that stacking masters is almost never worth it from a career perspective. If you're independently wealthy and this is what entertains you, shine on you crazy diamond.
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Apr 27, 2023 01:27
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Cyrano4747 posted:So this isn't what your asking about at all but this stood out like a flare to me: i appreciate this, dad, i know that, and you know that, but lmao in the state of kansas (ten years ago) its not enough to have a master's degree in music to teach public k-12, you also need an education degree (whereas i was mentoring university students with one master's and a shitload of practical xp, gently caress you kansas) fuckin kill me (it turns out after more research and a frantic call from my rector that the diocese has a school that is free of charge for postulants just like me!) tldr dont ever get a fuckin master's, kids thx for the reassurances yall, its helping a little but i still feel kind of weird about it
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Apr 27, 2023 01:45
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Just saying something because I've seen that pattern in other places, from people who were getting really bad advice and being strung along by predatory admissions officers. MA + MEd makes sense, even if the second requirement is silly. Didn't mean to offend, my apologies.
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Apr 27, 2023 01:56
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It sounds like this shul let you down hardcore. Was it Chabad or something? They might have thought, OK, our job is done, we got the stray sheep back in the herd.
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Apr 27, 2023 02:23
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Cyrano4747 posted:Just saying something because I've seen that pattern in other places, from people who were getting really bad advice and being strung along by predatory admissions officers. MA + MEd makes sense, even if the second requirement is silly. Didn't mean to offend, my apologies. no offense, mate, it pisses me off to type it and have experienced it and that probably comes across real hateful-like i advised all my students to only do it if they literally cannot do anything else
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Apr 27, 2023 02:54
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Nessus posted:It sounds like this shul let you down hardcore. Was it Chabad or something? They might have thought, OK, our job is done, we got the stray sheep back in the herd. reform as dammit, progressive, active in the community, young(ish), thriving at the time (and now as well on cursory glance) it was disheartening but i thought that was kinda how it was  turns out, not so much
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Apr 27, 2023 02:55
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i can't offer any help but i enjoyed reading that and hope you find your path. i am ethnically/culturally jewish, queer, pro-palestinian (or more accurately, anti-israel, and anti-nation in general), and personally i often have a harder time getting along and talking politics with jews who are actively involved in "progressive" reform temples than i do other jews in general, but ive never felt any kind of jewish organization in which i felt truly comfortable. or really any other kind of religious organization. that doesn't mean i've turned away from religion per se, it's just an aspect of my life that is purely individual. like you i am a musician, and composing music is probably the most spiritual aspect of my life, but i do so in a rather isolated fashion, without adherence to any particular set of religious rules or laws. Earwicker fucked around with this message at 12:40 on Apr 27, 2023 |
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Apr 27, 2023 12:38
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IMHO: You should stop thinking about becoming a priest. Being a priest is about being reliable, about being stable, about emulating Peter and being the rock on which Christ can found his church. You don't sound like you're in the position to help other people in the way that being a priest demands. You need stability in your life and in your heart before you can think about lending it out to others. If you try to take this path now, then you will be sorely disappointed at some point along the road, and depending on where that is, other people could get hurt from it. And all of this is perfectly fine. You haven't even committed to baptism yet, you aren't supposed to be thinking about the entirety of your future in the church right now, you're supposed to be thinking about you and God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit and whether you believe, and whether you want to form this particular kind of commitment. Down the road, if you decide to go through with becoming a Christian, and if you find yourself in the right position, you can start thinking about ordination. Right now it should not be your priority. Now about your dream. I don't believe in the prophetic power of dreams. My username is Freudian, so pardon me the psychoanalysis, but I believe that dreams are where we scramble up all the subconscious thoughts and memories floating through our brains and put them together in a random order to see what sticks. That's why dreams are so strange to us - they're the familiar thoughts of our lives placed in unlikely contexts, with associations we never would have consciously thought about. In your case, it sounds like you were thinking about your lack of spiritual fulfilment, and it connected with your associations with spirituality - a priest, a host of angels, divine grace. Which isn't to say your dream wasn't important. It meant something to you, and it helped you to see your life in a way you hadn't expected, and it brought you to a place and to people you never would have met without it. It was important. It's a suggestion, a possible future. But it isn't necessarily an order.
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Apr 27, 2023 13:36
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Faith can be a twisty windy road. I went from Catholic Because I Was Raised That Way, to High School Atheist, to Vaguely Egyptian Flavored Neopaganism, to "I don't know...", to Zen Buddhist. Like the others have said, just because your faith changes doesn't mean you or I were wrong. Everything is ever changing.
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Apr 27, 2023 15:20
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Earwicker posted:good perspective Freudian posted:excellent advice AngryRobotsInc posted:this is actually super comforting hey y'all i'm still listening, keep it comin if you've got it -- i know it's a lot and its probably not relevant to most ppl ITT but i really do appreciate your thoughts; esp. freudian's advice to chill tf out (i really am trying to do so)
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Apr 28, 2023 02:35
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re: this and also the three masters degrees - i don't mean to diminish all you're going through and all you've achieved but, do you just need to always be working towards something?
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Apr 28, 2023 03:04
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I was reading some political stuff for the first time in months and someone quoted or paraphrased Lenin as saying something along the lines of "intelligent idealism is closer to intelligent materialism than stupid materialsim is to intelligent materialism" and that resonates where I am right now.
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Apr 28, 2023 09:53
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sinnesloeschen posted:hey y'all i'm still listening, keep it comin if you've got it -- i know it's a lot and its probably not relevant to most ppl ITT but i really do appreciate your thoughts; esp. freudian's advice to chill tf out (i really am trying to do so) God´s path for you can be Iong and windy, with many strange twists and turns
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Apr 28, 2023 12:36
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Nthing that life takes you down weird paths - speaking as a fellow Jewish convert here, but weirder even because I didn't do it for a partner, I just stumbled across some good vibes. I can safely say nobody expected this for me, and that was the first time in my life I felt like I wasn't walking down a path someone else had set out for me.
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Apr 28, 2023 16:44
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Yo Sinns, I'm not actually certain having lots of problems with faith necessarily qualifies you to be a spiritual leader. I mean, it *can*, but I've wanted to be a preacher for a long time, and I've found that I actually am an expert mostly on me. This means that I've started helping folks doing what I need to do, getting clean and sober, and helping others. It's a valuable job too, and probably does further some sort of spiritual development for both me and others. Also, kudos on doing mushrooms in a tent, that is no joke a not insignificant part of spiritual enlightenment if I'm any judge.
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Apr 29, 2023 10:45
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I read Sinn's post on and off over the course of several days! Anyway, they said something about discernment. I kind of think that a lot of the mechanics of Quakerism: concerns, meetings for clearness, ministry etc... is actually about creating a ballast or counterbalast against enthusiasm or sudden ispiration. Like the aim it to stop you having a sudden epiphany and deciding to go to Africa to help children or whatever without slowing down and going over it. Actually I very almost did vocal ministry but someone else spoke and the moment past. Afterwards I was told that I was right not to have spoke because if it was really the spirit I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. This annoyed me at the time but maybe she was right.
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Apr 29, 2023 11:45
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I'm not sure about that. I think you can reject an urge whether it comes from the spirit or not. Otherwise it wouldn't mean much.
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Apr 29, 2023 14:11
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If you did that, you would be practicing discernment right?
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Apr 29, 2023 16:45
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HopperUK posted:I'm not sure about that. I think you can reject an urge whether it comes from the spirit or not. Otherwise it wouldn't mean much. Jonah. Is God the God of history?
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Apr 29, 2023 21:42
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Quakers was pretty busy today. Twelve in the room and a couple on Zoom. I got closer to my shame and self-loathing as well as my disbelief, sense of superiority and my doubt and confusion. Also, I'm finally going to read Moby Dick. Due to the urgings of the spirit. e: I cannot emphasise enough the size of my confusion. I'm one big ol' confused baby. I suppose all the disociation didn't help. Prurient Squid fucked around with this message at 13:36 on Apr 30, 2023 |
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Apr 30, 2023 13:20
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Prurient Squid posted:Quakers was pretty busy today. Twelve in the room and a couple on Zoom. Moby Dick is really good.
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Apr 30, 2023 13:53
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HopperUK posted:Moby Dick is really good. Not empty quoting.
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Apr 30, 2023 15:25
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Prurient Squid posted:Also, I'm finally going to read Moby Dick. Due to the urgings of the spirit. It starts well enough. Then it’s a lot of really really rough unless you are extremely into ships and whaling. Then the ending (which is great).
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Apr 30, 2023 15:48
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Bar Ran Dun posted:It starts well enough.
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Apr 30, 2023 20:15
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Are you sure that wasn't the porn parody?
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Apr 30, 2023 20:27
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Prurient Squid posted:Are you sure that wasn't the porn parody? Herman Melville - Ch. 94 posted:Would that I could keep squeezing that sperm for ever! For now, since by many prolonged, repeated experiences, I have perceived that in all cases man must eventually lower, or at least shift, his conceit of attainable felicity; not placing it anywhere in the intellect or the fancy; but in the wife, the heart, the bed, the table, the saddle, the fireside, the country; now that I have perceived all this, I am ready to squeeze case eternally. In thoughts of the visions of the night, I saw long rows of angels in paradise, each with his hands in a jar of spermaceti.
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Apr 30, 2023 20:34
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Prurient Squid posted:Are you sure that wasn't the porn parody? Melville and Hawthorne. When you start the book keep in mind Melville and Hawthorne. The book will also make you want a good New England chowder right out of the gate.
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Apr 30, 2023 20:39
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Killingyouguy! posted:re: this and also the three masters degrees - i don't mean to diminish all you're going through and all you've achieved but, do you just need to always be working towards something? this here post has taken up quite a space in my heart the last few days; mostly because it's been an ever-present fear of mine for so long (also wrapped up in things like feeling inadequate or like an imposter, poor self-esteem creating a space in my head to always try too hard in order to be validated but then i got way older and just lol if your work is the only thing you think makes you valid, it's a load of poo poo, please relax) BUT i started thinking about the concept of always working toward something and then this thought spiral of "well is always working toward something objectively a negative thing?" and it's like well in judaism there are the concepts of building the world to come but also leaving a little work unfinished for the next generation -- is that bad? is the building of the dominion of god on earth and in community a bad thing? or is it the idea that i'm always working because silence and stillness are sources of fear/pain/terror for me; that i cant be content with present and now. after a lot of reflection i think it's both, for me, personally. ive absolutely had periods of my life where i had some poo poo to prove and i worked pretty relentlessly to complete and achieve those goals. i have absolutely considered pursuing a doctoral degree (i'm capable, have gone as far as the funding stage, and just wasnt in the spirit i needed to be to go forward). my teaching career is stable, solid, and blooming a lot of opportunities for ppl in my community to access smart instruction. at the moment, i'm actually pretty content with my life and where it has been and is (once i accepted responsibility and agency for my choices, the consequences, and my future dreams) and the bolting of this new paradigm in my life a) makes me skittish, and Tias down below here hit precisely that point -- EGO EGO EGO? or legitimate conversation with the holy spirit? and b) would upend a life ive worked real, real hard to build, and while im not "scared" of change (obviously) or new and different, i am enjoying a calmness, after a sort all thats to say thank u user Killingyouguy! u made me think a lot and its helped to clarify (a little) the stew in my brain Tias posted:Yo Sinns, I'm not actually certain having lots of problems with faith necessarily qualifies you to be a spiritual leader. I mean, it *can*, but I've wanted to be a preacher for a long time, and I've found that I actually am an expert mostly on me. This means that I've started helping folks doing what I need to do, getting clean and sober, and helping others. It's a valuable job too, and probably does further some sort of spiritual development for both me and others. yeah i moved to a place where tent ceremonies are common and had a lot of help from them in figuring out what i was going out yonder for huge fuckin grats on gettin clean and staying clean -- as a former heroin user this is always really comforting to see (others made it out!) i am completely enamored of how you worded the idea that you feel like you want to help and serve a higher purpose but really maybe thats your pompous self putting on airs, when instead of the pomp and circumstance the real work is on the ground helping others and in process healing yourself. we need more people like you Prurient Squid posted:I read Sinn's post on and off over the course of several days! idk man im neurodivergent and that friends statement (probably meant in earnest kindness!) sounds like justification after the fact; and that "the time" isnt right maybe means that you needed more time/different time to figure out if you want to pitch in, and ppl who arent versed in the weird diversity of brains just saw it as a "oh well Prurient Squid just isnt interested". my lived experience has led me to be a lot more forthright (probably to an obnoxious degree) about stuff like that just because i think the other way is elitism/gatekeeping for old broken systems HopperUK posted:Moby Dick is really good.
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May 1, 2023 01:26
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Ur welcome Sinnes. I should clarify that I totally don't think working towards things all the time is bad. It'd be like mad hypocritical for me to say that. Just maybe this particular 'faith leader' goal ain't it, because you're liable to go chase another goal after
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May 1, 2023 02:01
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sinnesloeschen posted:so then i was like LOL WHAT THE gently caress U A JEW, DOG. Hello friend. Your post made me happy. You seem at a crossroads yet with plenty of self awareness and I'm sure you will find peace. If the only formulaic prayer I knew was Compline, I would be quite content. It owns so hard. Everything else is bonus. HopperUK posted:Moby Dick is really good. Moby Dick posted:Shipmates, God has laid but one hand upon you; both his hands press upon me. I have read ye by what murky light may be mine the lesson that Jonah teaches to all sinners; and therefore to ye, and still more to me, for I am a greater sinner than ye. The sermon in chapter 9 is a masterpiece.
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May 1, 2023 02:54
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I feel like I'm in purgatory. Everything in my life is weird. I try and fix in, but good things barley come my way. I believe in God (I'm Christian) but life is too challenging often. Anyone feel like this?
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May 1, 2023 03:06
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I often feel overwhelmed by life. I think it's a reasonably common sensation to have. There's a lot going on.
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May 1, 2023 03:08
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Religionthread: I often feel overwhelmed by life. There's a lot going on.sinnesloeschen posted:i'm actually pretty content with my life and where it has been and is (once i accepted responsibility and agency for my choices, the consequences, and my future dreams) and the bolting of this new paradigm in my life a) makes me skittish, and Tias down below here hit precisely that point -- EGO EGO EGO? or legitimate conversation with the holy spirit? and b) would upend a life ive worked real, real hard to build, and while im not "scared" of change (obviously) or new and different, i am enjoying a calmness, after a sort To me, spiritual frontrunning means helping people first. True service to others can take many forms, and I'd take a hard look at what preachership could do for you that, say, organizing or volunteering can't. I've spent my life squatting houses, feeding the homeless and blocking refugee deportations - just talking about those things probably wouldn't have helped as much, as talking/writing (or at least reaching people with words) isn't really where my gift lies. Also, being a cleric would, at least for christians, often be moving to place of power, and if there's one thing I'm certain of, it's that power corrupts. That's good for the ego, but how do you make it work in your higher powers interest? quote:huge fuckin grats on gettin clean and staying clean -- as a former heroin user this is always really comforting to see (others made it out!) i am completely enamored of how you worded the idea that you feel like you want to help and serve a higher purpose but really maybe thats your pompous self putting on airs, when instead of the pomp and circumstance the real work is on the ground helping others and in process healing yourself. we need more people like you Shucks my bro, I'm just doing my best and it isn't always very good at all. If you want to talk character defects and how they meet our aspirations for a career and a workable future, the addiction thread and discord is always open for you: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3375646&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=1
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May 1, 2023 08:17
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The danger here is that I'm going to start recommending The Power of Now by Eckart Tolle and all that Jeff Foster stuff. Allthough I must admit doing an hour of silent prayer at Quakers once a week has done me a lot of good as well. I guess it all boils down to "stay in the present moment and make space for everything you're feeling." e: Oh what the heck, here goes: WHAT IS MEDITATION, REALLY? Meditation is not about getting yourself into altered states. Altered states do not last. It’s about becoming intimate with this state – this present moment, this day, this Now, its textures, tastes, vibrations, contractions and aches. Meditation is not an out-of-body experience. It’s the opposite. It’s a full experience of the body and its ever-changing sensations, its amorphous clouds of shivers, tickles, undulations and pulsations, throbbings, fizzles, its pain and its pleasure, its opening and closing, its ever-changing form. Meditation does not always make you feel “good”. In meditation, you feel exactly as you feel, and you learn to love that, or at least to allow it, or at least to tolerate it a little more than you did yesterday. Meditation makes you feel more like… you. Meditation is not about getting anywhere. It’s about discovering that there is nowhere to get to. That you are already home, and your body is the ground of all grounds. It is about discovering true safety in the feet, in the hands, in the pit of the belly. It is about finding a sanctuary in your chest, a sacred shrine between your eyes, a loving friend in the breath, a mother in the motherless places. Meditation is not something that you do with your mind. In meditation, the mind relaxes into the heart, seeking relaxes into finding, and even the most intense anxiety finds its home. You cannot make it happen, but you can fall into it. Meditation is not for experts, or the ones who know. Meditation is for absolute beginners, those who are willing to face their present experience with wide open, curious eyes. Meditation is a field of love, an ever-present ground of safety, presence and stillness, that you remember, or forget, or remember again. Meditation never leaves you. It whispers to you in the stillness of the night. And even in the midst of an activated nervous system, a full-on panic attack, suffocating claustrophobia or the urge to get out of your body… meditation is right there, holding you, loving you, gently kissing your forehead, willing you on. It will not abandon you, and ultimately, you will not abandon it. And closing your eyes to sleep at night, meditation is there, snuggling right up to you. Your soft pillow, the rising and falling of your own delicious breath, a light breeze coming in from the window, that billion-year-old sense of Being... You are safe in your own body, my love. You are safe. - Jeff Foster
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May 1, 2023 08:30
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I've been lurking but I'm chiming in to say that I finished Moby Dick about a month ago, after years of putting it off, and it was very good. I recommend it! I'm meeting with some Baha'is tomorrow to learn more about their Faith. It appeals to me in a lot of ways (not all ways) and I'm looking forward to it.
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May 1, 2023 11:48
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Just thinking about how I was raised completely without religion so when I entered (public school!) kindergarten and all my classmates were talking about going to Sunday school I panicked and asked my parents to take me too because I thought it was just an extra day of school and I was going to fall behind without it
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May 1, 2023 15:52
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