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Come on in and have a seat [looking at form] Vognor? Am I saying that right? Let's see here...you're down on the 6th floor...and your supervisor is Dark Treant?? Small world! He and I used to work together on 4 a few years ago. Really nice guy, we used to go bowling after work sometimes. OK I know it's almost lunchtime so I'll try and get through this quickly: - People had a lot of nice things to say about your initiative to booby-trap more of the treasure chests on your floor. Adventurer deaths were up 29% after that was completed and it made some of the guys up top take notice, so kudos on that. - You're consistently wiping out most of the party members you encounter so that's also great. Keep up the good work there. - You're not dropping a lot of loot when you're defeated which the accountants and finance people REALLY appreciate. It's not cheap to replace that stuff so again, keep that up. Any questions or comments so far? Great, moving right along then let's jump into some areas of improvement: - Some of your co-workers on 6 mentioned that you're consistently 15-20 minutes late most days, and as a result, a bunch of low-level Thieves and Priests made it through your sector completely unscathed. This is obviously unacceptable. Be here on time. We don't ask a lot of you guys but we do ask that. If it keeps happening, we'll have to move you back down to the 5th floor. - Although we generally don't mind if our employees talk politics while they're working, at least one person said they felt uncomfortable with some of your opinions about King Valiant. I'll just read a quick verbatim here from the person who came to me with the issue: "Vognor's not a bad guy, but the other day I heard him say although he is eternally loyal to Draconius the Malevolent, he does think King Valiant has 'really good ideas' sometimes and that it's 'obvious' when you look at how prosperous the Kingdom has become during his reign. I laughed nervously and tried to change the subject as quickly as possible but it was still really awkward." I don't think I need to remind you that Draconius signs your gold allowance contracts, not King Valiant. If a minotaur like yourself with a history of prison time and anger management issues wants to try his hand working for King Valiant, all I can say is good luck getting past the background check. - Finally, and this is such a small thing that I really hesitate to even bring it up but we do have a dress code here and we like our employees to present an image of competent, professional menace. When your come in with a wrinkled, tattered loincloth it kind of says, "I don't care about the way I look." We need you to care because caring is contagious. Overall, you're doing good work but unfortunately it's not the type of work where we feel it's appropriate to give you a raise at this time. After this you should follow up with Dark Treant when you get back downstairs and talk to him about any issues you had with this review process.
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Jul 27, 2019 20:55
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| # ? Jun 7, 2024 02:28 |
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I'm sorry to tell you this, but your would-be boss, Sir David Bowie, is dead. Obviously, we're no longer looking to fill this position. Sorry for any inconvenience.
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Jul 27, 2019 21:00
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Won't someone write up those drat gelatinous cubes on level 9? Fuckers smoke indoors, leave unmarked slippery trails everywhere (very dangerous!) and don't really seem to follow any commands. On the positive side they don't talk back unlike some monsters in this labyrinth.
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Jul 27, 2019 21:06
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I’m getting tired of your bullshit, Minotaur.
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Jul 27, 2019 21:11
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Down in the underground You'll find someone true. Down in the underground; A land serene; A crystal moon.
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Jul 27, 2019 23:07
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Team members who die and are raised by other employees as undead minions are not still in your team. I really don't know how HR can make this any clearer. Please apologise to the department of practical necromancy and maybe try to focus on not getting those team members killed in the first place.
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Jul 27, 2019 23:29
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Why would you go to HR instead of IR? Inhuman Resources department covers the undead.
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Jul 27, 2019 23:31
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The department of humanoid resources covers all such applicable body shapes and derivatives thereof. It's in paragraph 4.33.2 of the employee manual.
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Jul 27, 2019 23:35
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1redflag posted:I’m getting tired of your bullshit, Minotaur. I've been trying to address this by eating healthier but it's hard when the only vendor in the maze is Popeye's 
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Jul 27, 2019 23:49
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1redflag posted:I’m getting tired of your bullshit, Minotaur. I'm the aroma that lingers
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Jul 27, 2019 23:54
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A few things I've noticed recently: -- the vending machines near the Nexus of Shadows on 8 are pretty much always stiffing people. I've had numerous trolls and bugbears complain about it in the past month and we're just lucky the Balrog hasn't gotten screwed yet. -- there's been an upswing in people sneaking off the Stables of Woe to toast marshmallows over the Nightmare's flaming hooves and breath. This leaves critical junctions unguarded (some dumbass level one faerie slipped into the grimy grotto and purified half of it before we caught her) AND it makes the Nightmares nervous. They are very sensitive animals, guys. -- somebody has been leaving creepy love notes for the Dark Mistress who does the late shift in the level three torture chamber. I've kept her cool for now but if we don't find out who's doing this it's gonna become an HR thing, mark my words. There's more to this job than just killing heroes and tossing their loot into the vaults. We've got to think about quality of life and making a pleasant work environment, for EVERYBODY.
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Jul 28, 2019 00:08
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If someone has been leaving trails showing the way out of the labyrinth, cleaning up that trail should be on your priority list. I know we hired you to hide in the shadows on the ceiling and drop on unsuspecting adventurers when they sleep so you can drain their fluids, but if they passed through 4 hours ago you need to take the initiative and scrub out the chalk markings in your zone. That is basic labyrinth operational practice! You told us you had 5 years experience in a high tier labyrinth skulking role when we hired you.
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Jul 28, 2019 00:28
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Ok... my name was CLEARLY on the cauldron in the breakroom fridge, you guys. My wife spends a long goddamn time on that stew, like literally most of the morning simmering the eyeballs so they get that nice pop to them. I'm either going to HR about this or I'm putting colloidal silver in my next lunch and just find out that way.
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Jul 28, 2019 00:42
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Listen, when I say go out and get 2 ten-headed hydras, you have to pay better attention. We don't have the space for 10 hydras, even if they do only have 2 heads. Where did you even find two-headed hydras anyway?
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Jul 28, 2019 01:35
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Hydras grow two heads for every head you remove, stupid. Grab an axe and solve this simple math problem
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Jul 28, 2019 02:07
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I just can't think of puzzles. loving puzzles, goddamn it! Okay, so everyone knows last issue of TrapAdvisor Labyrinth Creator's Magazine said that in order to give your adventurers a memorable time down in your Lair of Eldritch Horrors or Cave of Ancient Secrets or what have you, you'll need more than just monsters and traps. For every ten to twelve rooms without a puzzle, you should add one to "break up the monotony". Well, I say that's bullshit. I make sure each of my Labyrinths are artisanally loving desgined. Yeah, that's right, I oversee the design of every single room. I don't leave it up to my minions, I don't hire out agencies to do it for me, I make sure that every cobweb, every gem, every little cubbyhole and den looks, sounds and smells like you'd expect it to. The batch of crystals in the corner with the soft azure glow that smells like blueberries but explodes if you hit 'em with a pickaxe? You think a bunch of for-rent dunce mercenaries can come up with something that enticing? No. I care. I loving care. But when the Council Of Dungeon Keepers comes to visit and we all sit around with our nettle tea and wood nymph teacakes all they harp on about is how my Labyrinths are "not mentally stimulating" as if they're supposed to be loving universities. You know, sometimes adventurers don't need to be "mentally stimulated", sometimes they just need a bloody good dungeon crawl and a pleasant time and maybe a little treasure at the end like back when things used to be SIMPLE and they didn't have to "accommodate for a wide variety of parties". How do you even make sure the puzzles are suitable for the bumblefucks who want them so badly? I don't know many languages and I can bet your arse most adventurers don't want to learn Orcish or Draconic and surprise surprise those are the races I need to employ the most when it comes to running one of these loving things, so what, am I supposed to write my riddles in every available language without knowing them myself? What if the people I hire to do the translations just out-and-out tell the adventurers how to solve the problem? Did they ever think of that? So with my latest one I just made a room with a bookcase full of crossword puzzles with the implication that they solve a bunch of them and I can just pull a lever while scrying them to my satisfaction. Do you know what they did? They pulled each book out halfway, one by one, thinking it was a fake book puzzle. They tried all kinds of different configurations until eventually I got so goddamn irritated I personally stormed in there and told them exactly what they needed to do. I mean, I did it in such a way that didn't break convention - I'm not an idiot - I just *poof* showed up and yelled "Ha! I love to see you fumble so, fools, but you'll never be able to solve the cryptic machinations within the books themselves! You will die here, such is your primitive thinking!" and then *poof* disappeared. Sometimes you gotta grease those wheels, right? We all do it. Yeah, well, I didn't realise that it was a test party. A loving test party. They were taking notes. A few days later I get a carrier pigeon and it's a citation from the Council of Dungeon Keepers accusing me of "trying to take a shortcut" and "excessive hand holding" and I just broke down and cried. Aren't traps puzzles enough? Isn't a good fight a puzzle in its own right? Precarious ravines and tantalising prizes and long monologues used to be the hallmark of a great dungeon and people used to love my works and now it's just all about puzzles and I can't do this anymore. I don't want to hire people but I might have to bite the bullette and hire Madman Mizkael's Mindbenders to slap together some prefab sliding block puzzles and I just feel sick. Does anyone else have this problem? Am I just out of touch?
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Jul 28, 2019 02:42
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I have it on good authority that the fountain-form mimic on level 9 has been eating perfectly good jelly skeletons.
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Jul 28, 2019 02:45
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We need to do something about the Eldritch Horror. It was fired two weeks ago but it still hasn't left. Quite honestly, its job performance has been slipping for years now, and so has the public's interest in what it had to offer. We made some hard choices and rezoned that entire floor for animated armor and spooky ghosts. It's been paying off, but the gibbering pile of flesh covered in mouths just doesn't fit the theme. To make it worse, it keeps trying to yell over our new banshee, like it thinks that kind of showboating will get it its job back. It can use us as a reference, but it has to go.
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Jul 28, 2019 03:04
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Colonel Cancer posted:Hydras grow two heads for every head you remove, stupid. Grab an axe and solve this simple math problem Yeah the problem is the number of heads. Did you miss the part where I said we had 8 extra hydras? Do you know the sort of laws that govern the treatment of hydras? Each of them has to have a minimum amount of space plus food and water. This is a huge expense for a small Labyrinth. We're not made of money!
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Jul 28, 2019 03:13
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Just dump the excess hydras to the surprisingly spacious sewer level, what could go wrong? If the inspection comes just say you found them there. I mean you could always sell them off or make your own fried hydra head restaurant franchise but  There's also an easy way to avoid getting dinged on improper housing, underfeeding and other mistreatment. Just kill 'em and get them raised up as hydra zombies, no more feeding or making GBS threads or adequate sleeping space required. Heck no adventurer will ever go for the hydras head so the main zombie vulnerability is negated in a puzzle-like fashion.
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Jul 28, 2019 03:19
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Goblins, stop urinating into the pool of life!
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Jul 28, 2019 07:51
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Im sorry, but based on your record Im going to have to put you on a Peril Improvement Plan
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Jul 28, 2019 10:23
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How many times do we have to tell you, we don't have a bring your kid to work day!
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Jul 28, 2019 11:52
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Remember when someone took all the jewels out of the Labyrinth? That was me. I took all of the jewels out of the labyrinth and left. No I am not bringing them back.
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Jul 28, 2019 13:07
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The skeletons are going to bring the jewels back for you.
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Jul 28, 2019 13:20
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When I did a surprise inspection on level 37 this morning you know what I found? The Shambling Horrors weren't shambling at all, and if that's not bad enough they weren't even screaming in seratingly inhuman voices! If you have time to lean you have time to scream!
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Jul 28, 2019 13:35
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I've noticed some monsters have been leaving meals unattended inside barrels or behind candlesticks. While you might think it's a good idea to stash snacks for when you're on patrol, adventurers might loot them and get a quick healing boost.
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Jul 28, 2019 13:35
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Just a reminder that it's Kathy from The Pit's last day on Friday. As we all know, she's retiring after several centuries, so please stop by to wish her well before she starts flashing more quickly and vanishes.
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Jul 28, 2019 13:39
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I'm the 'orrible blob with impostor syndrome.
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Jul 28, 2019 13:39
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This is a PR nightmare. Everyone's entitled to their beliefs and we can't dismiss those who practise their religions, but don't they realise that the shrines they build wind up benefiting adventurers? Entire rooms destroyed because suddenly the wizard can cast his spells six times the regular speed for 30 seconds. How the hell do I tackle this?
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Jul 28, 2019 13:45
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Please remember to take home your valuable Amulets of Power, wards, unused enchanted weapons, and spell scrolls when you go home for the day. Heroes are coming into the Labyrinth and finding them and using them to more easily venture further into the depths.
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Jul 28, 2019 13:57
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| # ? Jun 7, 2024 02:28 |
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Hi, come in. I'll be doing your performance reviews from now on. The previous guy has been let go. Now, I took a look at your files and it's been nothing but glowing reviews ever since you started here but when I follow up I can't seem to find any reports of you doing... well... any actual work. I've been asking around and everybody loves you but nobody seems to be able to tell me what it is you actually do. Wait, what are you mumbling...? Oh, I see now. Yeah, the higher ups suspected something like this had happened and gave me this nifty necklace that allows me to resist charm spells. I'm sorry, but I have to let you go. This is in gross violation of... well... everything. Now, now, don't make it any worse than it has to be. They gave these necklaces to security as well and they're right outside the door.
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Jul 28, 2019 14:09
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