COOKIE MEAT

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Manifisto

seated at the elegant wooden counter, the investment banker and his date watch spellbound as the chef prepares their $300 omakase meal. artisanal flour, free-range organic eggs, butter flown fresh that day from hokkaido: just so, just so. in a trice the ingredients are combined and kneaded by the chef's expert hands into a writhing mass. with a flourish, he produces a razor-sharp knife and begins to cut perfect circles from the underside of the dough, arranging them simply on a lacquered platter. "the belly of the cookie," the banker whispers to his date. "the most expensive part. almost impossible to find outside japan."

# ? Jan 13, 2017 01:03

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# ? Apr 27, 2024 15:35

Randy Travesty: PHANTOM QUEEN

Manifisto posted:

seated at the elegant wooden counter, the investment banker and his date watch spellbound as the chef prepares their $300 omakase meal. artisanal flour, free-range organic eggs, butter flown fresh that day from hokkaido: just so, just so. in a trice the ingredients are combined and kneaded by the chef's expert hands into a writhing mass. with a flourish, he produces a razor-sharp knife and begins to cut perfect circles from the underside of the dough, arranging them simply on a lacquered platter. "the belly of the cookie," the banker whispers to his date. "the most expensive part. almost impossible to find outside japan."

# ? Jan 13, 2017 02:00

Dads Dip Cup

Santa slides down the chimney and strolls over to the dining room table. looking down at the plate he sighs, shaking his head.

"um, hello?? these are not the CHEWY Chips Ahoy!"

He unfurls the scroll containing the "nice list" and crosses off one name

# ? Jan 13, 2017 03:05

alnilam

Nosfereefer posted:

the baker: ah, fresh dough!

# ? Jan 13, 2017 04:53

Plebian Parasite

All that most maddens and torments; all that stirs up the lees of things; all truth with malice in it; all that cracks the sinews and cakes the brain; all the subtle demonisms of life and thought; all evil, to crazy Ahab, were visibly personified, and made practically assailable in Fudgey the Whale.

# ? Jan 13, 2017 05:00

City of Glompton

It's early fall here in Dough Creek, and to the local residents, that means only one thing - cookie season.

Harlan "Crummy" Jones and his brother-in-law, Vernon "Sprinkles" Zumwalt, have been hunting cookies since they were young children.

"Oh yeah, Sprinkles' 'n' me started out with the growed-ups when we was jus' knee-high to a grasshopper. They'd have us run through the underbrush to spook the cookies from their jars. Once they caught a baker's dozen or three, we'd help with the butcherin', too. There's nothin' like eating a bite of cookie that's still warm to make you feel alive."

Crummy and Sprinkles have a goal to instill this memory in the new generation of their community, by teaching at-risk kids the art of cookie hunting. We'll have more about this story--and how Channel 6 viewers can help--tonight on 6 at 9.

thank you PSP for the beautiful spring sig

# ? Jan 13, 2017 05:36

social vegan

john candy frantically telling me my cookie dough cone from marble slab is full of cookie lips and cookie assholes

# ? Jan 13, 2017 06:15

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN: I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.

got some ground cookie meat at the store. I was gonna make cookie burgers, but I forgot to buy buns.

# ? Jan 13, 2017 06:46

vanisher

Flour all over her apron, a half smashed egg shell amongst chaos on our kitchen counter top, her shoulders arched as she beat mercilessly into the mixing bowl, was how I came upon my mother when I was a boy. She didn't see me as she worked. A bag of chocolate chips was dumped onto the frothing mass then kneaded in with ruthless force. I remember a wisp of hair falling out of place. Her palms and fingers were saturated with raw cookie meat, so she used the back of her hand to wipe the bead of perspiration that had formed from her brow.

The mass was slammed onto a rough wood surface. Like a surgeon she washed the cookie meat from her hands, although her apron and sleeves were covered in viscera, a bit of flour on her cheek. It was the force she used with the rolling pin to further abuse the once pristine ingredients that haunts me. Endless repetitions, back and forth, over the counter. I just sat in the shower weeping as the scent of the meat browning under intense heat filled our house.

_{Sig images courtesy of the talented Luvcow, Dumb Sex-Parrot, & Death Sext}

# ? Jan 13, 2017 07:57

social vegan

*breaks the hard oreo exoskeleton with a pair of nutcrackers*

# ? Jan 13, 2017 13:01

alnilam

Cookie to meat you

# ? Jan 13, 2017 13:18

death sext

alnilam posted:

Cookie to meat you

# ? Jan 13, 2017 14:40

social vegan

Fred Durst squatting, huddled over an empty, tattered box of chips ahoy! his goatee smeared with crumbs and chocolate, his sideburns disheveled, spilling up over the edge of his red baseball cap, he's shivering as he raises his head, something behind his blue eyes piercing you, stopping you in your tracks, he mutters, "...you know why I did it"

# ? Jan 13, 2017 14:46

Doghouse: I was playing Harvest Moon 64 with this kid who lived on my street and my cows were not doing well and I got so raged up and frustrated that my eyes welled up with tears and my friend was like are you crying dude. Are you crying because of the cows. I didn't understand the feeding mechanic.

Can't believe Ben and Jerry's is still making cookie dough ice cream. That raw cookie dough is still alive when they put it in and it slowly freezes to death. Barbaric!!

# ? Jan 13, 2017 14:54

Doghouse: I was playing Harvest Moon 64 with this kid who lived on my street and my cows were not doing well and I got so raged up and frustrated that my eyes welled up with tears and my friend was like are you crying dude. Are you crying because of the cows. I didn't understand the feeding mechanic.

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

got some ground cookie meat at the store. I was gonna make cookie burgers, but I forgot to buy buns.

Maybe try cookie meat loaf

# ? Jan 13, 2017 14:55

google THIS

Please sign this petition to convince cookie ranchers to stop the barbaric practice of branding peanut butter cookies with forks.

# ? Jan 13, 2017 19:09

social vegan

there was nothing wrong with these oreos before but now you're going to sit there and tell me people out in france are forcing them full of stuf on a daily basis

# ? Jan 13, 2017 19:11

Manifisto

is it really worth $10k to buy a dedicated slicer for amaretti cookies? franco at the restaurant supply throws up his hands in disgust at the question. "if you need to ask, you have never had true amaretti the way it was meant to be served," he says. "you would probably be satisfied with a chips ahoy hacked up with a kitchen knife."

# ? Jan 13, 2017 19:19

Manifisto

social vegan posted:

*breaks the hard oreo exoskeleton with a pair of nutcrackers*

social vegan posted:

there was nothing wrong with these oreos before but now you're going to sit there and tell me people out in france are forcing them full of stuf on a daily basis

# ? Jan 13, 2017 19:21

alnilam

google THIS posted:

Please sign this petition to convince cookie ranchers to stop the barbaric practice of branding peanut butter cookies with forks.

# ? Jan 13, 2017 20:29

Pot Smoke Phoenix: Smoke 'em if you gottem!

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
_{_{Sig elements by Manifisto and Heather Papps}}
Sig File protected by SigLock. do NOT steal this sig!

# ? Jan 13, 2017 21:56

HotSoapyBeard: I'm a really cool nice dad
HAIKOOLIGAN

"Why are you dipping that cracker in your milk?"
"Meat is murder bro"

# ? Jan 13, 2017 22:50

The Bananana: This is a metaphor, a Christian allegory. The fact that I have to explain to you that Jesus is the Warthog, and the Banana is drepanocytosis is just embarrassing for you.

You folks are hilarious.

# ? Jan 14, 2017 03:52

google THIS

And the giant dough vats had no guard rails whatsoever. A worker fell in at least once a week. He would receive no compensation for removal of impacted pecans. Many of the workers turned to chocoholism to deal with the daily stresses of their job, and if they showed up sluggish from hyperglycemia they were rarely sent home.

Still, the cookies, if you could call them that, left the facility by the crateful. Cookies that had gone too stale to bite through were ground up, mixed with lye, and repackaged as biscotti. Cookies contaminated with raisins were sold to the masses as chocolate chip. And, worst of all, some of the managers of a British persuasion insisted on labeling the cookies as "biscuits," even though they would have tasted terrible with gravy.

-- Upton Eclair, The Jumble

# ? Jan 15, 2017 18:19

the littlest prince

google THIS posted:

And the giant dough vats had no guard rails whatsoever. A worker fell in at least once a week. He would receive no compensation for removal of impacted pecans. Many of the workers turned to chocoholism to deal with the daily stresses of their job, and if they showed up sluggish from hyperglycemia they were rarely sent home.

Still, the cookies, if you could call them that, left the facility by the crateful. Cookies that had gone too stale to bite through were ground up, mixed with lye, and repackaged as biscotti. Cookies contaminated with raisins were sold to the masses as chocolate chip. And, worst of all, some of the managers of a British persuasion insisted on labeling the cookies as "biscuits," even though they would have tasted terrible with gravy.

-- Upton Eclair, The Jumble

# ? Jan 15, 2017 21:07

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# ? Apr 27, 2024 15:35

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

google THIS posted:

And the giant dough vats had no guard rails whatsoever. A worker fell in at least once a week. He would receive no compensation for removal of impacted pecans. Many of the workers turned to chocoholism to deal with the daily stresses of their job, and if they showed up sluggish from hyperglycemia they were rarely sent home.

Still, the cookies, if you could call them that, left the facility by the crateful. Cookies that had gone too stale to bite through were ground up, mixed with lye, and repackaged as biscotti. Cookies contaminated with raisins were sold to the masses as chocolate chip. And, worst of all, some of the managers of a British persuasion insisted on labeling the cookies as "biscuits," even though they would have tasted terrible with gravy.

-- Upton Eclair, The Jumble

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Jan 16, 2017 03:59

The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > COOKIE MEAT

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