rump buttman posted:

with brash confidence I’d head straight for the butcher. asking for 68lbs of rump. 22 lbs of belly. a pair of rib racks. 7lbs of headcheeae. four pickled pigs feet. an assortment of sauasage, brawts and pork rinds that tip the scale north of 136lbs. with my cart full, move on to automotive. here is where my craft really comes in. working from the rump forward, I’d duck tap and jb weld id craft Babe the pig. you might be asking, “how’d you sneak in enough make up to make the lump of meat appear on the brink of animation?” id really like to answer at length, but this is where my edge comes in and I don’t really like giving away trade secrets. let’s just say I bring in some outside supplies via secret shoe compartments.

now with my totally bitche babe facsimile, I open up my instore photo booth. I’d offer 3 for 2 deals, over unders, the works. the word of mouth would whip this community into a frenzy, pushing lines around the block. part way through this pop up party, I’d humbly suggest to the store manager that we need to feed this crowd, build up good will and help generate more profits! blown away by this marketing masterpiece, the manager would be quick to appease me.

now here comes the siou falls hustle.

I’d quickly suggest ham and cheese sandwhichs. particularly freshly cut while baked ham. in the chaos of the situation, I’d make my move. cutting and dicing so fast, not even a Las Vegas pit boss could keep track of the hams I’m going through. coyly, I’d palm a ham. [it may sound improbable, but I took a seminary from David Blaine back in aught 6] using the fresh tray of ham and cheese sandwiches to distract the crowd as I insert the palmed ham into the Babe statue*.

after the long day of pic taking and sandwhich eating, I’d do the right thing (being a Star Scout and all) and help them clean up. after taking care of the perimeter and cleaning off some of the windows, I’d ask for a hand tossing out the Babe statue. with tr help of Bruce and Joel from produce we’d heave that sucker up and into the dumpster.

later that night, I’d go back and retrieve my ham.


*now, the careful reader will remember that the original construction of the Babe statue did not include ham.

rump buttman posted:

with brash confidence I’d head straight for the butcher. asking for 68lbs of rump. 22 lbs of belly. a pair of rib racks. 7lbs of headcheeae. four pickled pigs feet. an assortment of sauasage, brawts and pork rinds that tip the scale north of 136lbs. with my cart full, move on to automotive. here is where my craft really comes in. working from the rump forward, I’d duck tap and jb weld id craft Babe the pig. you might be asking, “how’d you sneak in enough make up to make the lump of meat appear on the brink of animation?” id really like to answer at length, but this is where my edge comes in and I don’t really like giving away trade secrets. let’s just say I bring in some outside supplies via secret shoe compartments.

now with my totally bitche babe facsimile, I open up my instore photo booth. I’d offer 3 for 2 deals, over unders, the works. the word of mouth would whip this community into a frenzy, pushing lines around the block. part way through this pop up party, I’d humbly suggest to the store manager that we need to feed this crowd, build up good will and help generate more profits! blown away by this marketing masterpiece, the manager would be quick to appease me.

now here comes the siou falls hustle.

I’d quickly suggest ham and cheese sandwhichs. particularly freshly cut while baked ham. in the chaos of the situation, I’d make my move. cutting and dicing so fast, not even a Las Vegas pit boss could keep track of the hams I’m going through. coyly, I’d palm a ham. [it may sound improbable, but I took a seminary from David Blaine back in aught 6] using the fresh tray of ham and cheese sandwiches to distract the crowd as I insert the palmed ham into the Babe statue*.

after the long day of pic taking and sandwhich eating, I’d do the right thing (being a Star Scout and all) and help them clean up. after taking care of the perimeter and cleaning off some of the windows, I’d ask for a hand tossing out the Babe statue. with tr help of Bruce and Joel from produce we’d heave that sucker up and into the dumpster.

later that night, I’d go back and retrieve my ham.


*now, the careful reader will remember that the original construction of the Babe statue did not include ham.

alnilam posted:

http://pittsburgh.cbslocal.com/2018/03/31/suspect-apprehended-after-escaping-police/

CONNELLSVILLE (KDKA) — A man who police know as the “ham-burglar” had to be rescued after his arrest Saturday when he tried to make a break for it by jumping into a river.
...
The young man is known to police in Fayette and Westmoreland counties as “the ham-burglar.” Last April, authorities nabbed him on camera stealing $450 worth of hams from the Shop ‘n Save in Youngwood.

Someone has been workshopping ideas for this thread.....

Twenty Four posted:

As narrated by David Attenborough:

"Much like a flock of birds or herd of water buffalo, Ham Stealers prefer safety in numbers, and stick together for safety. During ham season, a single Ham Stealer would not succeed on their own, but as a group, they have their best chances of survival. Gathering at a supermarket around the deli, each one eyes up a ham, selecting their prospective bounty based on both weight and price. Once they have made their selection, they know based on countless years of instinct, that it is time to migrate."

"As the first Ham Stealer makes their way towards the exit, the others follow, picking up pace as they go and forming a stampede. The Cashiers notice, and the noble Alpha Manager swings in to lead the hunt. As the herd comes to a corner on aisle six, one unfortunate dad Ham Stealer loses his way and veers off to the pharmacy, forgetting what his wife sent him to the store for. Unfortunately, his journey ends here."

"Upon nearing the exit, most of the Ham Stealers make their way to the parking lot and safety. However one small ham hungry child is not so lucky, barely able to carry her ham on her own, she stumbles. As the Alpha Manager swoops down and catches her, she makes an unfortunate sacrifice for the good of the herd."

"Thus is the way of these noble beasts, ham season after ham season. Once again, the circle of ham continues."

City of Glompton posted: