If you had to steal a whole baked ham from the store, how would you do it?

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > BYOB Goldmine: Gold Mango > If you had to steal a whole baked ham from the store, how would you do it?

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bird.

Like a large one. A big baked ham. We're talking about thievin' one big money honey.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 10:34

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# ? May 9, 2024 06:42

bird.

First thought, as a man, I could wear an E-cup sized bra and when I get to the ham section I could shove two honeys down my shirt to pretend that I'm cross dressing.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 10:36

bird.

1. Enter store with baby swaddled in blanket
2. Swap baby for one o' dem big boys
3. Leave store

# ? Mar 16, 2018 10:38

bird.

Just imagine it, a ham so big, it's bigger than your head! Coated in honey, and then baked. And best of all, it's free. Can you dream my dream, can you see it? Asking for a friend.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 10:54

alnilam

BrownianMotion posted:

1. Enter store with baby swaddled in blanket
2. Swap baby for one o' dem big boys
3. Leave store

This but with a carriage/stroller so you don't have to carry all that weight

# ? Mar 16, 2018 12:17

alnilam

wildly scream that a man is dying outside and he need ham to live, trust you you're a doctor, and run out in a hurry

# ? Mar 16, 2018 12:18

Ride The Gravitron: by FactsAreUseless

The opening scene to The Dark Knight but it's a deli instead of a bank.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 13:21

UWBW: Permanently banned from the Alamo

Stick it right down the front of my pants. If the cashier asks me what that is I'll get real close and wink at her, and it will be so weird and awkward that she'll drop the subject.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 13:55

Pot Smoke Phoenix: Smoke 'em if you gottem!

This but replace "gimmee the cash" with "gimmee the ham" and also "that is a very nice ham"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OADJl-CVDo0

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
_{_{Sig elements by Manifisto and Heather Papps}}
Sig File protected by SigLock. do NOT steal this sig!

# ? Mar 16, 2018 14:29

Jolo: ive been playing with magnuts tying to change the wold as we know it

Go to the store dressed as the Hamburglar. Burgle it. Bring in a bag with a bunch of baked hams printed on the outside and then put the ham into the bag.

~~~ byob summer 2020 ~~~ sig responsibly ~~~ i hope you enjoy my sig ~~~ please dont kangaroo jack what you cant kangaroo give back. ~~~

# ? Mar 16, 2018 14:43

Twenty Four

Splatmaster posted:

This but replace "gimmee the cash" with "gimmee the ham" and also "that is a very nice ham"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OADJl-CVDo0

I love that movie and I love that scene!

Also I think I would just eat the whole ham right there in the store, sitting down in the middle of the aisle gorging myself.

Then I would go through checkout and have them try to use the bar code reader gun on my stomach, then do the lame "oh if it won't scan I guess it's free!" joke then go to jail.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 15:11

Twenty Four

Explain to the employee at the front door "no, I already had this ham when I came into the store, I brought it in with me".

# ? Mar 16, 2018 15:13

cda: by Hand Knit

very carefully. goldmine.

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# ? Mar 16, 2018 15:28

Cubone: Because it never leaves its bedroom, no one has ever seen this poster's real face.

if you�re an old white lady, you can just go in when it�s busy and scream that you didn�t get your ham

# ? Mar 16, 2018 15:56

Pot Smoke Phoenix: Smoke 'em if you gottem!

Chisel out "FREE HAM" on a brick like it's a coupon and threaten to throw the "coupon" at anyone who doesn't look like they want to honor it.

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
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Sig File protected by SigLock. do NOT steal this sig!

# ? Mar 16, 2018 16:04

Pot Smoke Phoenix: Smoke 'em if you gottem!

Get a t-shirt and carefully write "BIG FREE HAM WINNER!" witht he name of your local supermarket emblazoned on the t-shirt and walk in and say you got the t-shirt that says you won afree ham so it MUST be true! (wink a lot too when you say it to make it more convincing)

BAM! you getta ham!

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
_{_{Sig elements by Manifisto and Heather Papps}}
Sig File protected by SigLock. do NOT steal this sig!

# ? Mar 16, 2018 16:06

cda: by Hand Knit

build a nother ham store and when they say "whjere are you going with that ham?" i say "i'm just taking it tot he other store, its a ham store as well, don't worry" but actually it only LOOKS like a ham store, it's really my house

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# ? Mar 16, 2018 16:12

Jolo: ive been playing with magnuts tying to change the wold as we know it

Chamce Encounters

I was there to steal a ham, just like a hundred times before. On this day cupid had other plans. As I bent down to pick up the ham, my head collided with a lovely woman who was bending down to pick up the same ham. As I helped her up off the floor, we exchanged names and friendly smiles. After talking for a bit, it turned out we had a lot in common. Both of us loved ham, and one of us loved not paying for it. A romance ham was gently placed inside a loven that day. It's been a little over a year since then and we're still together. As fate would have it, we've got a little Ham on the way. We've decided to name it Hamilton if it's a boy, and Hamily if it's a girl. To those that say that meet cutes only happen in the movies, I say bologna! Meat cutes can happen when you least expect them.

~~~ byob summer 2020 ~~~ sig responsibly ~~~ i hope you enjoy my sig ~~~ please dont kangaroo jack what you cant kangaroo give back. ~~~

# ? Mar 16, 2018 16:27

Manifisto

I would knit a ham cozy that looked like broccoli, we're talking super realistic. at the store I would slip the cozy onto the beautiful beautiful ham before stuffing it under my shirt and walking out. if security stopped me with a hard question like "sir are you trying to smuggle a ham?" I would take that bad boy out and say very casually "no man, it's broccoli." everyone will know I'm not actually stealing anything, because who would steal broccoli? there must be some other reason I have a large broccoli under my shirt, like maybe a medical condition, and everyone would get real embarrassed about having said anything in the first place.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 16:28

Twenty Four

Jolo posted:

Chamce Encounters

I was there to steal a ham, just like a hundred times before. On this day cupid had other plans. As I bent down to pick up the ham, my head collided with a lovely woman who was bending down to pick up the same ham. As I helped her up off the floor, we exchanged names and friendly smiles. After talking for a bit, it turned out we had a lot in common. Both of us loved ham, and one of us loved not paying for it. A romance ham was gently placed inside a loven that day. It's been a little over a year since then and we're still together. As fate would have it, we've got a little Ham on the way. We've decided to name it Hamilton if it's a boy, and Hamily if it's a girl. To those that say that meet cutes only happen in the movies, I say bologna! Meat cutes can happen when you least expect them.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 16:35

Manifisto

the secret is to go to the invisible ham store. youd think that after all these years the sight of me strolling out of the store yet again without making a purchase but obviously burdened down by something heavy and unseen woud arouse suspicions, but nope.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 16:41

Manifisto

for clarification, the store referenced in my prior post isn't invisible. the hams are invisible, the store is just a normal store

# ? Mar 16, 2018 16:43

Macnult

1. kick a ham into a corner
2. walk up the stairs across the room and crouch (hidden)
3. wait for store owner to walk over and keep an eye on me (seen)
4. jump off the side of the stairs and snatch the ham while out of their sight

# ? Mar 16, 2018 16:55

canyoneer: I only have canyoneyes for you

announce "i am an extreme couponer" and present your homemade coupon that says "BEARER IS ENTITLED TO ONE FREE HAM".
if they're really cool about it they might let you keep the coupon so you can use it on a different store later. bam, two hams.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 17:54

Robot Made of Meat

Don a white lab coat that has "Official Ham Inspector" written on it somewhere. Grab a very tasty-looking ham, and look at it through a magnifying glass (you need a magnifying glass for this). After a few minutes, announce "I have to take this ham back to the lab for further inspection."

Proceed to take the ham to your lab (which is your kitchen) and inspect it with your mouf.

Thanks to Manifisto for the sig!

# ? Mar 16, 2018 17:57

FluffieDuckie

(1) buy a van
(2) paint it with the words "city food bank"
(3) show up and loudly announce you're here to pick up their ham donations for the needy
(4) shame and peer pressure will force them to hand you a ham

Thank you for the beautiful sig Machai!

# ? Mar 16, 2018 18:00

Starman Super DX: This title text is surprisingly sturdy.

As a retail worker at a grocery store, I believe I know the best and most effective method in which to steal a ham. This method is a bit tricky, but I can guarantee you will walk out with a free ham every single time.

Step 1: Pick out your ham, make sure it's a good one.
Step 2: Walk out the door.

If you happen to see a worker (try not to see the same one twice) say something like "I bought this already." or "I exchanged this up front" or flash a random piece of paper at them while saying "This is my receipt."

This is known as the THIEF method, as this will work at least exactly once per location.

If you go back in you run the risk of gettin' zapped though.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 18:02

Robot Made of Meat

Starman Super DX posted:

This is known as the THIEF method, as this will work at least exactly once per location.

If you go back in you run the risk of gettin' zapped though.

I'm thinking this is true for most of these methods.

OK, here's another suggestion: When in the ham aisle, grab a large ham and loudly exclaim, "Everybody clear out of the way! The detonator in this ham is set to go off in 60 seconds! If I can get it to my car, I may be able to defuse it!"

Then run to your car with the ham, but instead of defusing it take it home and share it with your dog.

Thanks to Manifisto for the sig!

# ? Mar 16, 2018 18:10

Manifisto

propose to the ham. get on your knees, offer the ring, everything. then loudly say "she said yes!" to the crowd that will inevitably have gathered. there will be applause, handshakes, and yes maybe some tears as you sweep the ham into your arms and carry her out the door. in no event will you be asked about payment.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 18:24

Twenty Four

Some people have service animals. I am this pigs service human. My pig is very disabled, and I must accompany it outside and take it to its home.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 18:41

treasure bear

just the one ham? i would take *imagines biggest number of hams i can imagine* ..5 ham

# ? Mar 16, 2018 18:45

FluffieDuckie

treasure bear posted:

just the one ham? i would take *imagines biggest number of hams i can imagine* ..5 ham

Thank you for the beautiful sig Machai!

# ? Mar 16, 2018 18:48

Manifisto

announce that you have just bought this ham store and are reorganizing. look at each of the employees in turn and say "you're fired." then go down the line of hams and tell each one "you're fired" until you reach the one you want. tell that ham "you - come with me." fire anybody who tries to stop you as you walk out.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 18:57

bird.

i;'ve got one for you guys, this one's a real doozy

so what you do, is you find a pre-priced turkey, grab it, throw it in your cart. you get the idea. then what you do is you get yourself one honker of a ham, go to the corner of the store, cut open the turkey, stick the ham inside the turkey, then seal it back up, purchase the turkey. voila.

i call this my Hidden Honker Honey Ham Heist technique

# ? Mar 16, 2018 19:02

bird.

in a similar vein, you ever seen those brazillian otters and chinese birds on leashes that go eat fish but their necks are tied with string via leash so that they can't swallow.. now stay with me here.. imagine you moved to florida, and you got a baby gator from the egg, all it's life you only fed it ham, and you kept feeding it bigger abd bigger hams to increase its throat girth.... now here's the pay-off, like 10 years down the line you can just walk into ANY grocery store with your service gator and just toss him a honey and he will gobble it right out, and then you just get him to spit it out when you get back in the car, but you should probably give him a little, because he deserves it

# ? Mar 16, 2018 19:04

bird.

you could talk to the clerk and make a lexically confusing statement to bewilder them, like say it really fast and be like "hey i just talked to pam about this ham and she said there was a plan to remand the ham to stan on account of it was bland and stan is outside in the fan van so im going to deliver this ham to stan so he can get it to sam at the barbeque stand"

# ? Mar 16, 2018 19:08

Jolo: ive been playing with magnuts tying to change the wold as we know it

I'm working on an idea, but it's tricky. First, you've gotta have 2 decoy hams, preferably baked. Then you've gotta have a guy who works at the ham store, and he has to have a decoy ham also. This is where it's tricky and I can't figure it out. Somehow you end up with a new stolen ham, but you'll have to sacrifice the 3 decoy hams and your guy on the inside will probably get busted in the process. Probably don't try this one. Maybe your guy on the inside needs 2 decoy hams? Yeah, don't do this one.

~~~ byob summer 2020 ~~~ sig responsibly ~~~ i hope you enjoy my sig ~~~ please dont kangaroo jack what you cant kangaroo give back. ~~~

# ? Mar 16, 2018 19:10

Barking Gecko: Mahoro says, "Naughty things are bad."

Obtain coveralls or uniform bearing name of desired meat packing company. Also needed: clipboard with various documents, hand truck, several large containers, and getaway commercial vehicle.
Enter store and announce that several lots of honey baked hams from your company are being voluntarily recalled. Go to meat section, load up containers with hams. Put containers on hand truck. Leave store with many hams, and load them into the getaway vehicle. Drive home and enjoy many days of fine hamming.

# ? Mar 16, 2018 19:11

Jedrick: There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high-powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.
Smoke weed every day.

Twenty Four posted:

Explain to the employee at the front door "no, I already had this ham when I came into the store, I brought it in with me".

"My ham was lonely, so I brought it to visit the other hams."

# ? Mar 16, 2018 19:17

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# ? May 9, 2024 06:42

Pot Smoke Phoenix: Smoke 'em if you gottem!

1. Open the door the right way to get into the store (push/pull accordingly READ THE SIGN FIRST!)

2. Make sure they sell hams here

3. Walk up to the biggest person in the store AND

4. CHALLENGE THEM TO A HAM EATING CONTEST!*

_{_{sorry, 1. should really have been "be hungry for ham" because to be honest if you're a Muslim, or Jewish, or vegetarian, or if the movie "Babe" is the bedrock of your belief system or if you're not hungry then maybe the Eat a Ham Challenge isn't right for you.}}

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
_{_{Sig elements by Manifisto and Heather Papps}}
Sig File protected by SigLock. do NOT steal this sig!

# ? Mar 16, 2018 20:32

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > BYOB Goldmine: Gold Mango > If you had to steal a whole baked ham from the store, how would you do it?

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