what if, middle earth, but with weed lmao

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Manifisto

Splatmaster posted:

Gandalf: God dammit!

Legolas: What's wrong, Gandalf?

Gandalf: I forgot the password to get into Moria!

Frodo: Is it your mother's maiden name?

Gandalf: No...

Legolas: The runes say, "Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Ah Sphi' N c'Ter S' aYs W'H at"

Frodo: So all one has to do is say "A Sphincter Says What" and we can get in?

**Doors open with a loud rumble**

Legolas: It was a much simpler time, then...

Gandalf: I gotta lay off the weed.

# ? May 5, 2019 21:24

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# ? May 8, 2024 00:17

canyoneer: I only have canyoneyes for you

legolas shows up to his substitute teacher gig, 7th grade, first period elvish class.

"hi students, my name is mr. greenleaf"

giggling erupts from the kids in the back

# ? May 5, 2019 21:55

Stoner Sloth

cda posted:

"I know it sounds stupid," sobbed Merry, "but I think I'm addicted. I think I'm addicted to weed."

"It doesn't sound stupid," said Pippin quietly, but Merry didn't seem to hear him.

"I know everyone will say, you can't be addicted to weed, Merry. They say it's not physically addictive, but then how come if I don't smoke I can't sleep? And the dreams I have, Pippin..." he trailed off.

"I got you, Bro. I know how it is. I believe you." Pippin reached an arm around Merry's shoulder.

Very quietly, Merry said, "...in those dreams, I start...remembering. I don't want to remember, Pippin. I can't handle it."

"The world is hosed, Bro. It's hosed. You do what you got to do to survive. But don't ever forget, I love you. Ride or die, Merry. Ride or die."

"Without the weed, I have bad dreams. But with the weed, it's like...my whole life is a dream, right? And it used to be a great dream, but now I'm getting burned out and I don't know where to turn, and when I try to tell the others, they laugh at me. They say I just need to smoke more." Merry frowned furiously. "Sometimes I wish you really could OD on weed. One last blaze and then oblivion. Feels like the whole world is headed that way."

Pippin stood up. "We need to go chill with the Ents," he said. "They realized long ago that weed is a trap. It's no different from any other drug, Merry. And there's nothing shameful about needing medication, but when the medication stops working for you...We gotta find another way. The Ents will know. C'mon. Treebeard's seen a lot of poo poo. He'll know what to do."

Merry looked at Pippin with deep gratitude, but then, as if a camera pulled back from the scene to show the surroundings, he realized that everything he'd said and everything he'd felt during the whole conversation had been said and felt through the fog of his marijuana high. The catharsis. The feeling of being loved and taken care of by a friend. Pippin's optimism. Was any of it authentic, or was it all just the THC? And if he thought he'd known true despair before, now a more powerful despair settled over him like a gigantic black dragon, digging its claws straight into his chest.

"Maybe later," he mumbled. "I think I just want to sit here for a while, ok?"

Pippin shot him a concerned look. "You sure, bro?"

"Yeah." Merry forced a smile. "I'll be good, Pippin. I just need to chill for a while."

"Ok..." Pippin got up. "You need anything, you let me know."

"Sure. I'll see you later," Merry said. But he felt it was the worst lie he'd ever told in his whole life. He wasn't planning to be around later. This was goodbye. It was better for Pippin not to know it.

[note: Gandalf appears at the last moment and gets Merry the help he needs]

canyoneer posted:

legolas shows up to his substitute teacher gig, 7th grade, first period elvish class.

"hi students, my name is mr. greenleaf"

giggling erupts from the kids in the back

sigs by the awesome Manifisto, Vanisher, City of Glompton, Pot Smoke Phoenix, Nut, Heather Papps,Prof Crocodile, knuthgrush, Ohtori Akio, Teapot, Saosyhant, Dumb Sex Parrot, w4ddl3d33, and nesamdoom!! - ty friends!

# ? May 6, 2019 02:15

Arkanomen: All he wants is a hug

*Wormtonge leans in close to King Th�oden*

"Do not pass the bong, they would only seek to cash out your bowl and bogart all the good kush what is rightfully yours*

*Gandalf strides forward and produces a large sack of Eru's finest and a blessed water pipe of the 1st age*

"THEODEN, SONG OF THENGEL, TOO LONG HAVE YOU SMOKED BUT STEMS AND SHWAG!"

*Legolas gets a Lembas edible and laughs with Gimli as the guards brawl"

"I RELEASE YOU FROM THIS FOUL DRY SPELL"

*Th�oden laughs as he takes a massive rip from Gandalf's pipe and exhales in Wormtounge's face*

# ? May 6, 2019 06:53

Farecoal: There he go

cda posted:

"I know it sounds stupid," sobbed Merry, "but I think I'm addicted. I think I'm addicted to weed."

"Yeah that's pretty stupid" replied Pippin. Then Merry realized he was being paranoid from a big hit, got over it, and smonked weed responsibly from then

# ? May 6, 2019 17:51

Resting Lich Face: This case of an intraperitoneal zucchini is unusual, and does raise questions as to how hard one has to push a blunt vegetable to perforate the rectum.

Meriadank Brandybuck and Peregrine Toke

# ? May 6, 2019 19:48

cda: by Hand Knit

"Where did Sauron come from?" Frodo asked.

"He was once a Maiar. His name in Elvish was Mairon, meaning 'The Admirable One,'" responded Gandalf. "But then he began to smoke and everything went to poo poo."

"But how could that be? Isn't weed a fun drug, that makes you mellow?" Frodo said.

Gandalf's eyes flashed with anger. "I see corruption has come even to my beloved hobbits. No, Frodo. It is not a 'fun' drug. It is a gateway through which one glimpses the void. A Palantir into Nothingness. You ever seen Get Out?"

"No, but I've heard of it."

"It's like the Sunken Place, Frodo. You look at stoners, you see them with their vacant smiles, their laughs. You see them couch-locked. You think they're chill. But their souls are screaming, and their eyes are opened into another world of pain that they're powerless to express. You ever seen Hellraiser, Frodo?"

Frodo shook his head, ashamed.

"Sauron opened the Puzzle Box, Frodo. The Puzzle Box is weed. If you didn't have terrible taste in movies, you'd know what I was talking about right now."

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# ? May 6, 2019 20:09

Farecoal: There he go

this lore is all mixed up!!

# ? May 6, 2019 20:54

Luvcow: One day nearer spring

cda posted:

"Where did Sauron come from?" Frodo asked.

"He was once a Maiar. His name in Elvish was Mairon, meaning 'The Admirable One,'" responded Gandalf. "But then he began to smoke and everything went to poo poo."

"But how could that be? Isn't weed a fun drug, that makes you mellow?" Frodo said.

Gandalf's eyes flashed with anger. "I see corruption has come even to my beloved hobbits. No, Frodo. It is not a 'fun' drug. It is a gateway through which one glimpses the void. A Palantir into Nothingness. You ever seen Get Out?"

"No, but I've heard of it."

"It's like the Sunken Place, Frodo. You look at stoners, you see them with their vacant smiles, their laughs. You see them couch-locked. You think they're chill. But their souls are screaming, and their eyes are opened into another world of pain that they're powerless to express. You ever seen Hellraiser, Frodo?"

Frodo shook his head, ashamed.

"Sauron opened the Puzzle Box, Frodo. The Puzzle Box is weed. If you didn't have terrible taste in movies, you'd know what I was talking about right now."

# ? May 6, 2019 21:12

google THIS

Resting Lich Face posted:

Meriadank Brandybuck

Oh yeah, the guy who did Smaug's voice

# ? May 6, 2019 22:16

cda: by Hand Knit

"Think about it," Legolas said, as he stretched out his legs and passed the bowl to Gimli. "The balls. The testicles, right? They're essentially just labia. And you dick is exactly where the clit would be. It's just a big clit. The only difference is the pussy hole. So if you've ever eaten pussy, you've basically sucked a little dick. You've licked balls. Same difference." He ran his index finger along his taut bowstring.

Surrounded by the dissipating smoke from his latest monster hit, Gimli considered. Maybe it was crazy . It was probably the buds. But the elf was beginning to make sense, and he didn't like it. Was Legolas coming on to him? Whenever they got high, things started getting... uncomfortable.

He had to shut this down before he ended up doing something weird. "I've never eaten pussy" he said firmly. Too firmly.

The elf laughed and stood, patting Gimli on the shoulder. His thin white fingers lingered there for just a moment. "Sure, buddy. Whatever you say."

Gimli didn't know how to respond. What he'd said was true. But why? Why had her never eaten pussy? From inside his haze, a new, troubling set of answers began to take shape.

# ? May 7, 2019 00:20

Luvcow: One day nearer spring

cda posted:

"Think about it," Legolas said, as he stretched out his legs and passed the bowl to Gimli. "The balls. The testicles, right? They're essentially just labia. And you dick is exactly where the clit would be. It's just a big clit. The only difference is the pussy hole. So if you've ever eaten pussy, you've basically sucked a little dick. You've licked balls. Same difference." He ran his index finger along his taut bowstring.

Surrounded by the dissipating smoke from his latest monster hit, Gimli considered. Maybe it was crazy . It was probably the buds. But the elf was beginning to make sense, and he didn't like it. Was Legolas coming on to him? Whenever they got high, things started getting... uncomfortable.

He had to shut this down before he ended up doing something weird. "I've never eaten pussy" he said firmly. Too firmly.

The elf laughed and stood, patting Gimli on the shoulder. His thin white fingers lingered there for just a moment. "Sure, buddy. Whatever you say."

Gimli didn't know how to respond. What he'd said was true. But why? Why had her never eaten pussy? From inside his haze, a new, troubling set of answers began to take shape.

thank you for this thread op

# ? May 7, 2019 02:55

cda: by Hand Knit

With a mighty blow, Ethrelos slew the dragon. It was easy to do, because the dragon was unmotivated, due to smoking weed.

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# ? May 7, 2019 20:47

cda: by Hand Knit

"Mr. Frodo, you've got to keep going and don't smoke marijuana. They say it's a fun drug, but look what it did to Gollum. It made him into a failson."

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# ? May 7, 2019 20:48

Pot Smoke Phoenix: Smoke 'em if you gottem!

Radagast tended to his crops, noticing a nitrogen deficiency in some of the leaves. "See the yellow?" he said out loud, though no one else was in the room because he talked to himself a lot due to all the drugs he took over the past thousand years. An awful skittering sound could be heard as many huge, evil spiders walked over his home "Something evil is afoot! Something dark, something sinister- I must tell Gandalf!"he shouted, scaring a hedgehog, a porcupine and a rat as he did so; and he rounded up his stuff.

He loaded up his stash onto a sled, fastening a harness to a bunch of rabbits that were waiting for him to take him away even though a bunch of spiders just crawled over his hut and the rest of us would have poo poo our pants or someone else's pants if it were us but theses were m a g i c rabbits so they were ready. They caught up to Gandalf who had just got done walking backwards in a stream for the past five miles, which was right after casting a spell that would make it almost impossible to be found and yet, despite all that, the crazy, drug-addled pothead still found him.

"You're more annoying and harder to get rid of than a Took, Radagast the Ghastly!" he mumbled, as the rabbits and sled crashed up to where they were, silently crouching so as to avoid the huge mass of bloodthirsty orcs that were looking, hearing, s n i f f i n g for them. They had no trouble finding Gandalf and the rest of the people actively avoiding Radagast the Ghastly, as they called him behind his back and to his face, apparently.

"I am Grishnak, and I don't really like you!" said Grishnak, who really didn't like them. ANY of them. He got ripped off in a real estate deal by Gandalf in a neighborhood just outside Mordor that turned out to have been a dumping ground for the troll pits, and if there's anything that smells worse than an orc pit, it's a troll pit- but it wasn't disclosed in the paperwork and he found out during closing, and it was a mess and everyone walked away unhappy. Grishnak had saved up for almost a year for that place! He was going to raise a family with someone from work and they'd have lots of orclings for the Dark Lord's army, but ah, well.

In the end Radagast sold a few dime bags to the orcs, they were happy, Gandalf and the Halflings stocked up on their dope, and they were all ready to leave until one of the extras in the background had something to say.

"I got something to say!" he said, clear enough for everyone to hear. You capitalized Dwarf, Radagast, Gandalf, and Halfling, but not troll or orc- what gives?" he said, his anger showing visibly through his orcish facial features. As one Gandalf, the Dwarves, Radagast (the Ghastly), and the Halflings (along with Aragorn, Legolas, Boromir, and whoever else was there in the Fellowship) said as one-

"YOU WERE TWISTED AND BENT BY MORGOTH WITH THE WEED!"

This has been a Middle Earth Public Service Announcement. Stay off drugs. It will make you see rabbits pulling sleds & poo poo.

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
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# ? May 7, 2019 21:50

Arkanomen: All he wants is a hug

*Gandalf leans down and points out Legolas to Merry and Pippin*

"That is an elf....and that...is an elf on weed"

*Uruk-Hai bursts from the trees and shoots Boromir in the face*

"Let that be a lesson to you."

# ? May 7, 2019 22:02

super sweet best pal

Trying to come up with Blunt the Knives parody lyrics but all I can think of is "Crack the vapes".

# ? May 8, 2019 08:09

Scaly Haylie

Why didn't they just have the eagle drop the weed into the Volcano Performance Vaporizer?

# ? May 8, 2019 08:37

Stoner Sloth

Lizard Wizard posted:

Why didn't they just have the eagle drop the weed into the Volcano Performance Vaporizer?

# ? May 8, 2019 09:08

Android Blues

cda posted:

haha good start for a joke. just spit-balling here, but perhas the dwarf is young (for a dwarf...so 100 or so?) and hes heard from his friends Bongli and Dongli that weed is a "fun" drug that just makes you chill and have a good time, but he has also read peer-reviewed medical studies that demonstrate a causal relatiosnhip between smokign marijuana and developing health probelms, so he's not sure whether he should smoke it or not and the Momentuous nature of this choice, one whihc may determine wetherh he becomes a mighty warrior or just sits around a mine all day long watchign fools gold glitter, is making him really nervous so he pisses his pants? the joke part could be him pissing his pants, which most people won't do even under these cirucmstances, though some might, if they have urinary incompetence

# ? May 8, 2019 16:32

Android Blues

question about the rules: can an orc smoke weed in one of my jokes IF that orc has crohn's disease and is smoking it for the purposes of chronic pain relief? i want to make this joke, but i also want to honour the orc's truth.

# ? May 8, 2019 16:35

cda: by Hand Knit

Android Blues posted:

question about the rules: can an orc smoke weed in one of my jokes IF that orc has crohn's disease and is smoking it for the purposes of chronic pain relief? i want to make this joke, but i also want to honour the orc's truth.

Sadly, persistent myths about orcs smoking weed are one of many reasons why orcs are both less likely to ask their doctor for a prescription in the first place, or to be given one when they ask. Other factors include a history of medical experimentation on orcs, a lack of cultural sensitivity on the part of healers, and the mistaken belief that orcs feel less pain. I don't think it would be likely that an orc would smoke weed, even for crohns, but if she or he did, she or he would almost certainly have acquired it illegally, so please remember to acknowledge the razor-wire undercurrent of paranoia that would accompany the orc's relief from crohn's symptoms

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# ? May 9, 2019 15:33

Pot Smoke Phoenix: Smoke 'em if you gottem!

Orc: I'm here for my medical marijuana...

Doctor: Do you have a qualifying condition?

Orc: Yep. Sure do. I have a black heart.

Doctor (consulting regulations): Ah, yes. "Black Heart" was just recently added to the State registry of qualifying conditions; have you tried any of the standard treatments?

Orc: Yeah, I tried being nice to people, especially like, my neighbors and those in my clan.

Doctor: And how did that go?

Orc: I murdered them all.

Doctor: Your whole clan?

Orc: Yep. Not my finest hour, to be sure- the remaining clans forced me out at bow and swordpoint; I can still see the poison glinting off their arrows...

Doctor *scribbling notes*: So you qualify for PTSD and social anxiety, too.

Orc: Really? Does that help my case any?

Doctor: Hell yes it does, we're gonna set you up with all the top-shelf strains, you need some strong pharmaceutical therapy, son.

Orc: Thanks, Doc! I don't know how to thank you! *grinning with sharp, menacing tusks*

Doctor: You can start by not murdering ME!

- - -

Later...

Orc: Here, try some of this!

Halfling: Why should I trust an ORC?

Orc: Because I'm a rehabilitated Orc!

Halfling: There's a difference?

Orc: Yep. I don't have black heart anymore! I'm NICE to people!

Halfling: That must be some pretty good poo poo; you don't even really look evil- sorta scaryish around the eyes, maybe. Say, do you want to go over my house?

Orc: Sure!

They go on to have a long friendship despite their obvious differences in murderous ideology and the fact that one of them was a twisted, evil mockery of the fair and beautiful Elves. The Orc met the Halfling's sister and it was love at first sight; they had many children together and they all lived happily ever after.

The E

**THWACK!**

An Orc Arrow, stained with poison and burning with a sickly green eldritch fire rudely interrupts the would-be happy ending

loving Morgoth...

# ? May 9, 2019 15:56

FutonForensic

the whole thread

# ? May 9, 2019 21:06

kalel

FutonForensic posted:

the whole thread

# ? May 10, 2019 13:15

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN: I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.

"We Rangers know this weed. It is harmless in the garden, but is of little use medicinally. It is even said to have harmful effects. I recommend you partake of it not." -Aragorn, High King of Gondor and total square.

# ? May 10, 2019 21:09

Stoner Sloth

FutonForensic posted:

the whole thread

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

"We Rangers know this weed. It is harmless in the garden, but is of little use medicinally. It is even said to have harmful effects. I recommend you partake of it not." -Aragorn, High King of Gondor and total square.

lol

# ? May 11, 2019 03:19

beer gas canister: shmups are da best come play some shmups they're cheap and good and you like them

Gollum took another puff of his horrible cave shwag, and, through a cloud of smoke, muttered,

"This thing all things devours:
Mutton, lembas, ale, flowers;
Smokes reefer, rolls a splief;
Grinds thick nugs to kief;
Slays bowls, ruins mids,
And smokes everyone down."

Stoners

# ? May 11, 2019 04:24

Manifisto

Stark Fist posted:

Gollum took another puff of his horrible cave shwag, and, through a cloud of smoke, muttered,

"This thing all things devours:
Mutton, lembas, ale, flowers;
Smokes reefer, rolls a splief;
Grinds thick nugs to kief;
Slays bowls, ruins mids,
And smokes everyone down."

Stoners

ty nesamdoom!

# ? May 11, 2019 12:54

Pot Smoke Phoenix: Smoke 'em if you gottem!

Stark Fist posted:

Gollum took another puff of his horrible cave shwag, and, through a cloud of smoke, muttered,

"This thing all things devours:
Mutton, lembas, ale, flowers;
Smokes reefer, rolls a splief;
Grinds thick nugs to kief;
Slays bowls, ruins mids,
And smokes everyone down."

Stoners

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
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Sig File protected by SigLock. do NOT steal this sig!

# ? May 11, 2019 13:39

Chasterson: by Nyc_Tattoo

Instead of selling fireworks Gandalf the grey sells fake weed candy out of his wagon

some hobbits see it and think "I guess this might be good for the economy?"

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# ? May 11, 2019 17:15