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Splatmaster posted:Gandalf: God dammit! |
# ? May 5, 2019 21:24 |
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# ? May 19, 2024 15:33 |
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legolas shows up to his substitute teacher gig, 7th grade, first period elvish class. "hi students, my name is mr. greenleaf" giggling erupts from the kids in the back |
# ? May 5, 2019 21:55 |
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cda posted:"I know it sounds stupid," sobbed Merry, "but I think I'm addicted. I think I'm addicted to weed." canyoneer posted:legolas shows up to his substitute teacher gig, 7th grade, first period elvish class. |
# ? May 6, 2019 02:15 |
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*Wormtonge leans in close to King Théoden* "Do not pass the bong, they would only seek to cash out your bowl and bogart all the good kush what is rightfully yours* *Gandalf strides forward and produces a large sack of Eru's finest and a blessed water pipe of the 1st age* "THEODEN, SONG OF THENGEL, TOO LONG HAVE YOU SMOKED BUT STEMS AND SHWAG!" *Legolas gets a Lembas edible and laughs with Gimli as the guards brawl" "I RELEASE YOU FROM THIS FOUL DRY SPELL" *Théoden laughs as he takes a massive rip from Gandalf's pipe and exhales in Wormtounge's face* |
# ? May 6, 2019 06:53 |
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cda posted:"I know it sounds stupid," sobbed Merry, "but I think I'm addicted. I think I'm addicted to weed." |
# ? May 6, 2019 17:51 |
Meriadank Brandybuck and Peregrine Toke | |
# ? May 6, 2019 19:48 |
"Where did Sauron come from?" Frodo asked. "He was once a Maiar. His name in Elvish was Mairon, meaning 'The Admirable One,'" responded Gandalf. "But then he began to smoke and everything went to poo poo." "But how could that be? Isn't weed a fun drug, that makes you mellow?" Frodo said. Gandalf's eyes flashed with anger. "I see corruption has come even to my beloved hobbits. No, Frodo. It is not a 'fun' drug. It is a gateway through which one glimpses the void. A Palantir into Nothingness. You ever seen Get Out?" "No, but I've heard of it." "It's like the Sunken Place, Frodo. You look at stoners, you see them with their vacant smiles, their laughs. You see them couch-locked. You think they're chill. But their souls are screaming, and their eyes are opened into another world of pain that they're powerless to express. You ever seen Hellraiser, Frodo?" Frodo shook his head, ashamed. "Sauron opened the Puzzle Box, Frodo. The Puzzle Box is weed. If you didn't have terrible taste in movies, you'd know what I was talking about right now." ---------------- |
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# ? May 6, 2019 20:09 |
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this lore is all mixed up!! |
# ? May 6, 2019 20:54 |
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cda posted:"Where did Sauron come from?" Frodo asked. |
# ? May 6, 2019 21:12 |
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Resting Lich Face posted:Meriadank Brandybuck Oh yeah, the guy who did Smaug's voice |
# ? May 6, 2019 22:16 |
"Think about it," Legolas said, as he stretched out his legs and passed the bowl to Gimli. "The balls. The testicles, right? They're essentially just labia. And you dick is exactly where the clit would be. It's just a big clit. The only difference is the pussy hole. So if you've ever eaten pussy, you've basically sucked a little dick. You've licked balls. Same difference." He ran his index finger along his taut bowstring. Surrounded by the dissipating smoke from his latest monster hit, Gimli considered. Maybe it was crazy . It was probably the buds. But the elf was beginning to make sense, and he didn't like it. Was Legolas coming on to him? Whenever they got high, things started getting... uncomfortable. He had to shut this down before he ended up doing something weird. "I've never eaten pussy" he said firmly. Too firmly. The elf laughed and stood, patting Gimli on the shoulder. His thin white fingers lingered there for just a moment. "Sure, buddy. Whatever you say." Gimli didn't know how to respond. What he'd said was true. But why? Why had her never eaten pussy? From inside his haze, a new, troubling set of answers began to take shape. |
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# ? May 7, 2019 00:20 |
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cda posted:"Think about it," Legolas said, as he stretched out his legs and passed the bowl to Gimli. "The balls. The testicles, right? They're essentially just labia. And you dick is exactly where the clit would be. It's just a big clit. The only difference is the pussy hole. So if you've ever eaten pussy, you've basically sucked a little dick. You've licked balls. Same difference." He ran his index finger along his taut bowstring. thank you for this thread op |
# ? May 7, 2019 02:55 |
With a mighty blow, Ethrelos slew the dragon. It was easy to do, because the dragon was unmotivated, due to smoking weed.
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# ? May 7, 2019 20:47 |
"Mr. Frodo, you've got to keep going and don't smoke marijuana. They say it's a fun drug, but look what it did to Gollum. It made him into a failson."
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# ? May 7, 2019 20:48 |
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Radagast tended to his crops, noticing a nitrogen deficiency in some of the leaves. "See the yellow?" he said out loud, though no one else was in the room because he talked to himself a lot due to all the drugs he took over the past thousand years. An awful skittering sound could be heard as many huge, evil spiders walked over his home "Something evil is afoot! Something dark, something sinister- I must tell Gandalf!"he shouted, scaring a hedgehog, a porcupine and a rat as he did so; and he rounded up his stuff. He loaded up his stash onto a sled, fastening a harness to a bunch of rabbits that were waiting for him to take him away even though a bunch of spiders just crawled over his hut and the rest of us would have poo poo our pants or someone else's pants if it were us but theses were m a g i c rabbits so they were ready. They caught up to Gandalf who had just got done walking backwards in a stream for the past five miles, which was right after casting a spell that would make it almost impossible to be found and yet, despite all that, the crazy, drug-addled pothead still found him. "You're more annoying and harder to get rid of than a Took, Radagast the Ghastly!" he mumbled, as the rabbits and sled crashed up to where they were, silently crouching so as to avoid the huge mass of bloodthirsty orcs that were looking, hearing, s n i f f i n g for them. They had no trouble finding Gandalf and the rest of the people actively avoiding Radagast the Ghastly, as they called him behind his back and to his face, apparently. "I am Grishnak, and I don't really like you!" said Grishnak, who really didn't like them. ANY of them. He got ripped off in a real estate deal by Gandalf in a neighborhood just outside Mordor that turned out to have been a dumping ground for the troll pits, and if there's anything that smells worse than an orc pit, it's a troll pit- but it wasn't disclosed in the paperwork and he found out during closing, and it was a mess and everyone walked away unhappy. Grishnak had saved up for almost a year for that place! He was going to raise a family with someone from work and they'd have lots of orclings for the Dark Lord's army, but ah, well. In the end Radagast sold a few dime bags to the orcs, they were happy, Gandalf and the Halflings stocked up on their dope, and they were all ready to leave until one of the extras in the background had something to say. "I got something to say!" he said, clear enough for everyone to hear. You capitalized Dwarf, Radagast, Gandalf, and Halfling, but not troll or orc- what gives?" he said, his anger showing visibly through his orcish facial features. As one Gandalf, the Dwarves, Radagast (the Ghastly), and the Halflings (along with Aragorn, Legolas, Boromir, and whoever else was there in the Fellowship) said as one- "YOU WERE TWISTED AND BENT BY MORGOTH WITH THE WEED!" This has been a Middle Earth Public Service Announcement. Stay off drugs. It will make you see rabbits pulling sleds & poo poo. https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
# ? May 7, 2019 21:50 |
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*Gandalf leans down and points out Legolas to Merry and Pippin* "That is an elf....and that...is an elf on weed" *Uruk-Hai bursts from the trees and shoots Boromir in the face* "Let that be a lesson to you." |
# ? May 7, 2019 22:02 |
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Trying to come up with Blunt the Knives parody lyrics but all I can think of is "Crack the vapes". |
# ? May 8, 2019 08:09 |
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Why didn't they just have the eagle drop the weed into the Volcano Performance Vaporizer? |
# ? May 8, 2019 08:37 |
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Lizard Wizard posted:Why didn't they just have the eagle drop the weed into the Volcano Performance Vaporizer? |
# ? May 8, 2019 09:08 |
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cda posted:haha good start for a joke. just spit-balling here, but perhas the dwarf is young (for a dwarf...so 100 or so?) and hes heard from his friends Bongli and Dongli that weed is a "fun" drug that just makes you chill and have a good time, but he has also read peer-reviewed medical studies that demonstrate a causal relatiosnhip between smokign marijuana and developing health probelms, so he's not sure whether he should smoke it or not and the Momentuous nature of this choice, one whihc may determine wetherh he becomes a mighty warrior or just sits around a mine all day long watchign fools gold glitter, is making him really nervous so he pisses his pants? the joke part could be him pissing his pants, which most people won't do even under these cirucmstances, though some might, if they have urinary incompetence |
# ? May 8, 2019 16:32 |
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question about the rules: can an orc smoke weed in one of my jokes IF that orc has crohn's disease and is smoking it for the purposes of chronic pain relief? i want to make this joke, but i also want to honour the orc's truth. |
# ? May 8, 2019 16:35 |
Android Blues posted:question about the rules: can an orc smoke weed in one of my jokes IF that orc has crohn's disease and is smoking it for the purposes of chronic pain relief? i want to make this joke, but i also want to honour the orc's truth. Sadly, persistent myths about orcs smoking weed are one of many reasons why orcs are both less likely to ask their doctor for a prescription in the first place, or to be given one when they ask. Other factors include a history of medical experimentation on orcs, a lack of cultural sensitivity on the part of healers, and the mistaken belief that orcs feel less pain. I don't think it would be likely that an orc would smoke weed, even for crohns, but if she or he did, she or he would almost certainly have acquired it illegally, so please remember to acknowledge the razor-wire undercurrent of paranoia that would accompany the orc's relief from crohn's symptoms ---------------- |
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# ? May 9, 2019 15:33 |
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Orc: I'm here for my medical marijuana... Doctor: Do you have a qualifying condition? Orc: Yep. Sure do. I have a black heart. Doctor (consulting regulations): Ah, yes. "Black Heart" was just recently added to the State registry of qualifying conditions; have you tried any of the standard treatments? Orc: Yeah, I tried being nice to people, especially like, my neighbors and those in my clan. Doctor: And how did that go? Orc: I murdered them all. Doctor: Your whole clan? Orc: Yep. Not my finest hour, to be sure- the remaining clans forced me out at bow and swordpoint; I can still see the poison glinting off their arrows... Doctor *scribbling notes*: So you qualify for PTSD and social anxiety, too. Orc: Really? Does that help my case any? Doctor: Hell yes it does, we're gonna set you up with all the top-shelf strains, you need some strong pharmaceutical therapy, son. Orc: Thanks, Doc! I don't know how to thank you! *grinning with sharp, menacing tusks* Doctor: You can start by not murdering ME! - - - Later... Orc: Here, try some of this! Halfling: Why should I trust an ORC? Orc: Because I'm a rehabilitated Orc! Halfling: There's a difference? Orc: Yep. I don't have black heart anymore! I'm NICE to people! Halfling: That must be some pretty good poo poo; you don't even really look evil- sorta scaryish around the eyes, maybe. Say, do you want to go over my house? Orc: Sure! They go on to have a long friendship despite their obvious differences in murderous ideology and the fact that one of them was a twisted, evil mockery of the fair and beautiful Elves. The Orc met the Halfling's sister and it was love at first sight; they had many children together and they all lived happily ever after. The E **THWACK!** An Orc Arrow, stained with poison and burning with a sickly green eldritch fire rudely interrupts the would-be happy ending loving Morgoth... |
# ? May 9, 2019 15:56 |
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the whole thread
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# ? May 9, 2019 21:06 |
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FutonForensic posted:the whole thread |
# ? May 10, 2019 13:15 |
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"We Rangers know this weed. It is harmless in the garden, but is of little use medicinally. It is even said to have harmful effects. I recommend you partake of it not." -Aragorn, High King of Gondor and total square. |
# ? May 10, 2019 21:09 |
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FutonForensic posted:the whole thread GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:"We Rangers know this weed. It is harmless in the garden, but is of little use medicinally. It is even said to have harmful effects. I recommend you partake of it not." -Aragorn, High King of Gondor and total square. lol |
# ? May 11, 2019 03:19 |
Gollum took another puff of his horrible cave shwag, and, through a cloud of smoke, muttered, "This thing all things devours: Mutton, lembas, ale, flowers; Smokes reefer, rolls a splief; Grinds thick nugs to kief; Slays bowls, ruins mids, And smokes everyone down." Stoners |
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# ? May 11, 2019 04:24 |
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Stark Fist posted:Gollum took another puff of his horrible cave shwag, and, through a cloud of smoke, muttered,
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# ? May 11, 2019 12:54 |
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Stark Fist posted:Gollum took another puff of his horrible cave shwag, and, through a cloud of smoke, muttered, https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
# ? May 11, 2019 13:39 |
Instead of selling fireworks Gandalf the grey sells fake weed candy out of his wagon some hobbits see it and think "I guess this might be good for the economy?" ---------------- |
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# ? May 11, 2019 17:15 |
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*after an eternity of gritted teeth* PIPE-WEED!!! there. I said it, and I'm glad. |
# ? May 11, 2019 17:21 |
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# ? May 11, 2019 18:02 |
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# ? May 19, 2024 15:33 |
Manifisto posted:*after an eternity of gritted teeth* Mods probate please |
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# ? May 11, 2019 18:14 |