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what's popping byob? I was hanging out at a friends a few days ago and noticed a book that piqued my interest. I got to view a few pages before my friend got back from the bathroom, and I knew I had to read the rest of it, then I thought I should share this with my friends in byob. the jokes actually start on the page with the publisher info, ISBN number, short bibliography, etc. if you aren't into reading blurry photos of text, after the photo and illustration credits it reads: quote:All rights are reserved, except the right to wear orange and brown together, which we leave to you people who do that kind of thing. Permission to reprint this book in whole or part is prohibited, unless your name is Myron. We love people named Myron, If you can prove that your name is Myron, then we allow you to do anything you want with this book. You can use it for insulation, you can make wedding dresses from it. Up to you. If you are not named Myron, you are permitted only to read this book and to set up a shrine in a corner of your home where you may worship this book. You may read it eleven times, BUT NO MORE! More than eleven times can be very dangerous. Take our word on that. This boy, shown at right, read a previous work of ours twelve times and suffered the consequences you see. So be smart about this! Eleven times only. Pace yourself. oh right, sorry, there's actually no jokes. the information within is serious, very serious information about the origins and biology of giraffes at first I thought on not posting this disclaimer telling me not to do this thing I am doing with it presently, but byob likes crimes, I hope you will keep my secrets quote:Welcome! to Dr. and Mr. Doris Haggis-On-Whey's World of Unbelievable Brilliance there's a photo of them on the facing page, I'll have to try and get that in a later post. now that we know about our authors and their curious hostility about hummus, hands and face freshly washed, let's press forward. quote:We are here to learn about giraffes, or GIRAFFES. Giraffes are animals, sometimes known as aminals. A definition: Aminal (optional: animal): a being or creature that walks or flies and eats food. Aminals usually inhabit the Earth, roaming and lookin at this and that and chewing cud or gum, but can sometimes inhabit your body cavities, where it is dark. that blue chicken image would make a dope blotter sheet. quote:THE ORIGIN OF GIRAFFES quote:WHAT ARE GIRAFFES MADE OF? yeah I am not sure what the graphic about apples have to do with anything. most of the images seem to get referenced directly in the text, but not always. maybe apples are a key source of nutrition for giraffes? quote:WHY DO GIRAFFES HAVE PATCHES? well gol' dang! what do these patches mean? luckily our benevolent authors will explain these six patch patterns just below this graphic. quote:PATTERN 1 Much like a tattoo of a wolf on a motorcycle-riding person, this pattern says that this giraffe likes to dance in an Irish style, and also likes ot put cotton candy into the hair of his friends. quote:GIRAFFES AND THEIR HABITAT quote:Many years ago, the giraffes settled in Atlanta, which is known to most people as Hotlanta! But there were too many muskrats and six-fingered people in Hotlanta, and they soon moved to Columbus, Ohio. Columbus was indeed a very exciting place, and had many of the things they love - grass, people wearing pink shirts, and plenty of ceiling fans - but it didn't have one thing they were looking for - a zip code that started with the numbers 4780. So they moved to Terre Haute, Indiana (zip code: 47801), considered by most people to be the most exciting place on this planet or any other. with this two page spread done I'm going to call this the first installment of Let's Read Giraffes? GIRAFFES!. for those of you wondering about Lee Iacocca, we'll have to wait for the next update, that was 12 and 13 starting with the discussion of giraffe habitat. there's 63 pages counting the unnumbered pages with about the author and a sort of conclusion paragraph, some other possible H-O-W titles. ok see you soon for more about giraffes! |
# ? May 25, 2022 05:12 |
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# ? May 4, 2024 07:14 |
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This reads kind of like an AI prompt I'm shocked to learn that giraffes like ceiling fans, you'd think they'd be natural enemies |
# ? May 25, 2022 13:36 |
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See? Right at home We are here to learn about giraffes, or GIRAFFES. Giraffes are animals, sometimes known as aminals. A definition: Aminal (optional: animal): a being or creature that walks or flies and eats food. Aminals usually inhabit the Earth, roaming and lookin at this and that and chewing cud or gum, but can sometimes inhabit your body cavities, where it is dark. They are also known as herbivores. Herbivores are plants that eat, while carnivores are plants that eat other plants. In other words, giraffes, being herbivores, eat vegetation and eat plants. Giraffes are large animals, and are also the tallest animals in the world. Giraffes stand over 6 ft tall, which is taller than the next tallest animal, the ostrich, which stands over 5 ft. If giraffes could fly, they would be the tallest in the sky. Since they can’t fly, they stay in the savanna of Africa, and like to eat vegetation. Most giraffes eat vegetation and plants. Since they can’t fly, giraffes walk around and walk to their favorite spots, like the savanna. Giraffes also like to eat food that has water in it, because this food is easy for giraffes to eat. Some giraffes like to eat vegetables and fruits, but not many. Some giraffes even love to eat other mammals, like rabbits and rodents. The most important job of a giraffe is to eat. They eat all day and night, but they eat the most in the mornings, when the dew is not drying on the plants. But giraffes eat even if it is not raining. They eat all the time, and they eat in huge amounts, but they can’t swallow. Their necks don’t have enough length to put food in their throats, so giraffes swallow food by chewing it up into little pieces. As giraffes chew food, their legs and trunks help turn food into bits. If giraffes ate their food at a restaurant, they would be charged. Many people think that giraffes can’t swallow, but in fact giraffes can’t eat their food at a restaurant. The most important part of their bodies is their neck, and giraffes spend the most time in their necks, because this is where their eating is done. Another important job of giraffes is to look for water. Giraffes are very thirsty animals, and they like to drink water if they find some. Giraffes like to look for places where there is water. They use their eyes and their very long necks to find water in the vegetation. In the mornings, giraffes look for water in the morning dew. Because of their very long necks, giraffes can look high into the sky for water, which is a difficult thing for some other animals to do. Sometimes giraffes have to stay up late looking for water in the evenings, so that they can get enough water to stay healthy. Giraffes also like to drink water during the hot and sunny days, because it cools them off. Giraffes walk, and are also very strong animals. As giraffes walk, they can move at up to a brisk 4 mph. Giraffes can run, but only for a few minutes. When giraffes run, they can run about as fast as a cheetah, a small fast animal. Like other animals, giraffes are made up of cells, or cells, and those cells help a giraffe move around. Cells also help giraffes run around. Cells are found in their skin, bones, muscles, and intestines. Giraffes can also stand and walk on all four legs. Giraffes use their spines to walk on their front legs, and their toes for walking on their back legs. |
# ? May 25, 2022 17:52 |
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outstanding writeup op, thank you! this sounds like it may be a perfect gift for my niece.
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# ? May 25, 2022 18:14 |
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rear end-penny posted:at first I thought on not posting this disclaimer telling me not to do this thing I am doing with it presently, but byob likes crimes, I hope you will keep my secrets If your name is Myron you have a watertight defense |
# ? May 25, 2022 19:16 |
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NumptyScrub posted:If your name is Myron you have a watertight defense I can't believe I'm going to need to get a fake ID at 35. gT: lmao I was going to ask you to cite your source but after mulling it over and re-reading your posts I finally figured out you fed the bold text to an AI generator. the language used in the book is very weird, they like to repeat words a lot I've noticed. Manifisto: yeah I think this would be extremely fun for a young person to experience. in addition to the 63 pages they wrote, there's some bonus content too, but I'm going to keep the specifics under wraps for at least a few more updates. |
# ? May 25, 2022 20:59 |
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aaaaaand since I stated working on a second update, here's some graphics from pages covered in the first update that didn't make the first cut. doctor and mr. Haggis-On-Whey themselves. they look like they party! and this graphic was at the foot of the page telling us about how giraffes came to our planet, underneath the planets shown in proportion they are truly the origin of giraffes. |
# ? May 25, 2022 22:50 |
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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giraffes%3F_Giraffes! I now have even more questions The band predates the book so maybe it inspired it, somehow? The title if nothing else? |
# ? May 26, 2022 15:48 |
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google THIS posted:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giraffes%3F_Giraffes! actually my roommate mentioned that band to me when I brought the book home, we'd both assumed the book came first too. wild! and the second installment: hello welcome & READ we begin today's lesson with a partial history of giraffes quote:GIRAFFES AT PLAY dang giraffes sound like a lot of fun. some kids dancing I guess I don't even know the play page is opposite this diagram for the 3rd most popular giraffe dance. quote:GIRAFFE SUPERSTITIONS opposite the superstitions page, we learn about the SWORN ENEMIES OF ALL GIRAFFES if you're keeping score at home this is page 19 and right there near the bottom, number six, Lee Iacocca and his nephews. I checked the following page and no more information about Lee Iacocca or their nephews quote:THE STORY OF FREDRICK, THE GIRAFFE WHO SHAVED HIS FUR AND TIRED TO LIVE AS A HUMAN quote:"So you know better than the giraffes with your magic of walking and cars?" said his father, whose name was Greg and who usually wore a cape made of tin foil. "Then go to your precious humans and live with them! We can no longer accept you." wow, Fredrick is a rebel and a scholar. RIP in peace to a real one. quote:SOME OF THE BEST-LOOKING GIRAFFES 140%, seems like giraffes are positively bursting with hygiene and patches! let's look at these giraffes. Marcus from Hotlanta! likes fighting crime and vacuuming, very respectable. Karl from Terre Haute likes drawing mustaches on pictures of cereal. an artiste! Dominique from Provo, Utah, is a *checks notes* cutting cardboard with saftey scissors enthusiast. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S62CSpWWW2M oh Juanita is actually from Terre Haute, my b. she likes watching golf on TV, and talking to socks. Giacomo, also from Terre Haute, likes painting pictures of blankets, and vacuuming. Cynthia from Hotlanta!, likes drinking blue liquids, and touching carpets with her elbows. sounds like a very cutting edge byob poster. I've heard of pouring blue liquid on tampons once a month but drinking the blue liquid also kind of looks like Cynthia just hit a blunt so that's a plus. last but not least, our friend Gunther. no, not the Günther who wrote the "Ding Dong Song," this giraffe is from Terre Haute and enjoys watching jai-alai, and staring at almonds. |
# ? May 26, 2022 20:11 |
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thank you so much for this. i own a copy but could not find it in my home and now suspect it is at my parents place. you're doing orb's work.
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# ? May 26, 2022 21:15 |
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Heather Papps posted:thank you so much for this. i own a copy but could not find it in my home and now suspect it is at my parents place. you're doing orb's work. keep an eye open for part three in a few days hopefully! |
# ? May 26, 2022 21:21 |
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Naturally, I had to get my own copy. |
# ? May 26, 2022 21:49 |
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xcheopis posted:Naturally, I had to get my own copy. lol you probably have gotten your copy by now. I'm glad you're enjoying the thread. speaking of... hello, sorry for the delay in this Let's Read, I got extremely side tracked by some non-giraffe things. quote:FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS lol I might have been a lil when I snapped these pictures, the framing is off. that third choice tongue color of green was "picked by Packers," which I believe is an american football joke, if you are into that sort of thing. personally I find sports distasteful. quote:RARELY ASKED QUESTIONS imagine believing in subleasing, fruit roll-ups are dank as poo poo tho, I don't know what these giraffes are thinking quote:DO GIRAFFES STILL CONTROL EVERYTHING WE SEE IN MIRRORS? ahhhhh Congress is on the case. you know nothing is going to happen with that useless lot. I'm very happy with my mirrors being controlled by giraffes, and not the government, thank you very much. quote:WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN GIRAFFES ARE "NECKING?" fuckin south dakota prairie dogs bankrupted my family I always wondered how giraffes afford their gasoline for their motor boats! quote:WHY DO GIRAFFES CONTROL MOST OF THE WORLD'S SUPPLY OF ICE? ok not super into this page, loving sending me bills I guess this book is about Madagascar now at least the sidebar gets acknowledged. Benny, you sly dog you! oh yeah, this is the good stuff. Pieter and his fast ships, made for racing and carrying tea. oh no Dutch king, how could you betray the trust of the giraffes like that? luckily they got out and escaped to America quote:GIRAFFES AND THEIR OPPONENTS, THE MONSTERS OF THE DEEP lmao ok I think that's it for this update, tune in for one last push through the end of the book, in hopefully way less time than elapsed between the last updates. thank you to those who are following along on this roller coaster ride of a book! |
# ? Jun 21, 2022 22:29 |
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There was a time in my life where I would take a chance on every book McSweeney's put out so I had all... four?... Haggis-on-Whey books. They're all pretty funny and worth tracking down.
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# ? Jun 22, 2022 00:48 |
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hey hey hey, welcome back for the exciting conclusion of the book! my hands are washed, let's dive inquote:THE STORY OF JUANITA GROADMAN Juanita sounds fun! quote:Unfortunate, Juanita lived in the time before bridge-building instructional books for children - I, Dr. Doris Haggis-On-Whey, am almost finished with such a book myself - so the only way she could gain more knowledge about bridges was to ride her bike down to a builder's office and tug on every pantleg until someone would give her some answers. Most of the people there would ignore her, but eventually a man at the office, his name being Stuart Stewart, saw the potential in such an interested and motivated lass. Soon after, Juanita would be off every morning to the bakery or coffee shop, picking up something for her new friend. When she returned, Stuart Stewart would pat Juanita on the head. He'd say, "You'll be in the bridge building industry in no time!" Oh boy was he right! thought Juanita on her graduation day from the University of Bridgediers. quote:Being such a young and bright talent in the field, Juanita was recruited by many bridgemaking companies, but she knew she wanted nothing more than to help her own town build their very first bridge. Everyone in the town was so impressed with Juanita and her shiny yellow hard hat, her fancy rulers and notebooks, and her fantastic talk about floating towers and high tension beams. dang! I'm glad she's ok. I think drawbridges are kind of neat quote:THE STORY OF TED "THEODORE" LOGAN, WHO CONSIDERED HIMSELF A FRIEND OF DESCARTES BUT WHO WAS NOT INVITED TO HIS WEDDING quote:It was a large wedding and Ted was a likeable guy yet Descartes did not reserve a seat for him at his most joyous of days. Why was that? Was it something Ted wrote in an email? Ted went through all the messages he'd sent to Descartes, but couldn't find anything in particular that might have offended his friend. Did he forward too many jokes? Too many fund-raising emails from people he knew who were running in 5k Fun Runs? What was it? "my pants are off, put the kettle on" is so good I might start drinking tea to have an excuse to say it. yeah this part is a lot. there's some sensitive information in the following long, rambling paragraph. it may well change your perception of giraffes forever, and I don't blame you if you don't want to brave it. I'm putting spoilers over it so that any giraffes in your area can't find out about the secrets our benevolent author wanted to share with us. if you are a giraffe, PLEASE DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING quote:Hello. Sorry for the extremely small type here. But we had to tell you things we couldn't have the giraffes reading, and everyone knows that giraffes can't read very small type, and they certainly can't read anything in blue type, ever. So we're safe. Do you feel safe? Good. We do, too. There are some things we wanted you to know about our subjects that ould either hurt the feelings of giraffes or endanger our own lives. First of all, giraffes sometimes smell very bad. They have been told this a few times by Mr. Haggis-On-Whey and myself, but they don't seem to get the message. What to they smell like, you ask? They smell like pastrami. Maybe you're a big fan of pastrami, and you like everything to smell like this kind of lunchmeat. If so, you're welcome to smell giraffes, up close, all you want. But personally, we like only one thing to smell like pastrami, and that's pastrami. When do giraffes smell like pastrami? In these instances: 1) After taking hot tubs; 2) After doing some very intense origami; 3) Before reading books about oceans. Now, for some giraffes, these situations happen very often, which means, yes: they frequently smell like pastrami. And it's not even good pastrami. It's the odor of a very cheap pastrami. Not the deli kind, that you'd order by the pound, and it would be dry and spicy. No, this is a wet, stinky pastrami that you get in a plastic package, all the round slices laid out like playing cards. Imagine the smell of this pastrami. Now imagine a whole huge mammal covered in it, head to toe. Now imagine that instead of actually being covered in it, head to toe, it only smelled like this huge mammal was covered in it. Now you know what it's like to be around a giraffe after some origami. The other thing I wanted to mention is that Marcus isn't really one of the best-looking giraffes. (See p. 23). You probably noticed this. He's really sort of goofy-looking, if you ask me - he's nowhere near as handsome as iacomo (p. 27) or Gunther (p. 29). But Marcus overheard that we were writing a book, and that there would be some pages with good-looking giraffes pictured, and you know what he did? He came to our house! He flew from Terre Haute, Indiana, all the way to our cottage in Crumpets-under-Kilts. He just showed up one day, and rang the bell. Actually, he didn't ring the bell, because the bell was broken. He knocked on the door, loudly. No, he didn't knock on the door, come to think of it. The door was being replaced that week, so there was no door. What did he do, anyway? I'm going to ask Mr. Haggis-on-Whey. Okay, now I'm back. I just asked my husband and he remembered that Marcus had come around to the back of the house, where Mr. and I were sunbathing while wearing eggplants. This is something we do often, because it helps bring universal energy into our brains and feet, the two most important parts of one's person. So we were there, in the back, on our hammocks, bringing the energy of the universe into our brains and our feet, when something literally blotted out the sun! Really! We looked up, thinking it was a visitor from Sector 7 or possibly a Fhumoud!-Fuba, bu it wasn't either of those things. It was Macus. "Hey guys," he said. "I hear you're putting together some kind of book with pictures of great-looking guys like me." I answered that in fact we were putting together a reference book about his species, to be studied by discerning scholars around the world. Inside this book, I admitted, would be a few pictures of the most attractive giraffes. "So where do I sign up?" he askeds. "How much do I get paid?" he said. He was a very annoying giraffe. He had a bunch of pictures with him. I asked what the pictures were. He said they were pictures of himself, in many different poses and with many different outfits. In a few pictures, he was wearing a cape, like a superhero. Mr. Haggis-on-Whey and myself found these photos, and Marcus himself, very amusing. He was a young giraffe who had traveled by plane 6,000 miles to come and show us pictures of himself wearing a cape. This cape, I should mention, was made of polyester, a material that everyone knows doesn't fly. Cotton and wool fly, and Gore-Tex flies, but polyester doesn't fly, never has. But perhaps Marcus wasn't planning to actually fly. So we had poor Marcus in for tea and cucumber sandwiches, which he ate very happily. I'm not sure why I told you that whole story. Oh, now I know. The main thing I wanted to talk to you about was how giraffes will play piano when they come over to visit. And Marcus was certainly giraffe-like in this regard! You know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the people who can't stay away from a piano, even though they've never taken a lesson in their life. Okay, let's say there's a piano in the room. It's just there, and no one usually plays it, because it's so out of tune that when played, it sounds like someone stepped on a seal. But in comes the giraffe, and the giraffe has never learned to play a note. But what does he do? He heads straight for the piano bench! He sits down. He opens the piano lid, the thing that protects the keys, and he starts hitting the keys. You know what he's doing? He's touching the keys, thinking that he'll magically start to know what he's doing. But of course he doesn't know. He'll just sit there, in your living room, after eating eleven cucumber sandwiches, and he'll be tapping on your piano that sounds like a seal. Humming to himself! And I have to tell you, as bad as some giraffes smell - like pastrami - they're much worse when they hum. They hum like pastrami would hum, if it could hum, which it can't anymore, ever since Senator Alan Simpson of Wyoming passed a law against it, thank god. This is what Marcus did when he came over with his pictures of himself in a cape, he hacked away at the piano and he hummed like pastrami. We finally got him to leave by jumping up and down on the floor, which all giraffes hate. If you ever want to get a giraffe to leave your house, just jump up and down. But jump in place! Don't moved all around like you're on a pogo stick! Just jump up and down in place, and the giraffe will leave within a few minutes. Something about the jumping just bugs them. Speaking of bugging people, did I ever tell you about my brother Cecil? Oooh boy, that's someone who could really get on your nerves. Have you met him? You haven't? Well, you're lucky. He's a year older than I, Dr. Doris Haggis-On-Whey, am and he still thinks he's my big brother, even though neither of us is a teenager anymore. When I see him, he still gives me what in my day we used to call 'gomble-smacks.' What is a gomble-smack, you ask? I will tell you, but you must promise never to do this to one of your own siblings or friends. To give someone a gomble-smack, you stand behind them, and you do two things at the same time. 1) You push your knee into the back of their knee, causing them to slightly lose their balance. 2) While doing this, you are also tickling either side of their waist. If they are ticklish, when you do these two things at the same time, the recipient of a gomble-smock will leap at least a foot in the air and shriek. Well, my brother Cecil still does this to me, which is not an appropiate thing to do to a world-famous scientist and exlorer like myself. So, where were we? We were telling you all the facts about giraffes that they wouldn't want us telling you. You want to know a very interesting thing? Giraffes are very bad at four-square. It's kind of strange, because they're very good at tetherball and bocce ball. But yes, it's true, they're not very good at four square. They lose every time. The second they get back into Square Four, they get knocked out again. Almost never do they make it all the way to Square One. And it has nothing to do with the fact that they have hooves, and not hands. And it's not because, when standing on their hind legs, they can get to be as much as thirty feet tall. No, it's more about their shot-placement. They can't find the corners. This is why they're also not very good at billiards. Okay, I guess that's all we wanted to say here, in this small type that giraffes can't read. the story of Donald J. Pendelton is interesting rough business with the leg. on the reverse page is an illustration of the man and a story about monks. quote:HOW TO MAKE A BREAD SANDWICH honestly I could get behind that sandwich of Crazy Marion and Peculiar Hector quote:NATURE'S CRUELEST JOKE: THE MINATURE GIRAFFE I'll be honest, I'm probably going to stick my thumb on my nose and wave my fingers at my local representatives whether or not they solve this miniature giraffe problem quote:HOW DID THE GIRAFFES COME TO BE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS WITH THE APPALACHIAN WHITE OWL? and rather abruptly, that's the book! the authors! I'm going to wrap this post up. I'll type up the conclusion paragraph too if people like, I do have a little bonus content as well, but that's for another post. thanks for reading along, friends! |
# ? Jul 22, 2022 02:10 |
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How Wonderful! posted:There was a time in my life where I would take a chance on every book McSweeney's put out so I had all... four?... Haggis-on-Whey books. They're all pretty funny and worth tracking down. this is my first experience with a McSweeney book but it was super fun to read! I'm glad my friend lent it to me |
# ? Jul 22, 2022 02:13 |
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rear end-penny posted:this is my first experience with a McSweeney book but it was super fun to read! I'm glad my friend lent it to me https://store.mcsweeneys.net/authors/dr-and-mr-dorishaggis-on-whey Fifteen years taking prescriptions |
# ? Jul 22, 2022 03:01 |
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might have to check out some of their other publications! |
# ? Jul 22, 2022 20:34 |
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rear end-penny posted:might have to check out some of their other publications! I would have loved this so much as a child: https://store.mcsweeneys.net/products/unnecessarily-beautiful-spaces-for-young-minds-on-fire-slipcase-edition?taxon_id=1 Fifteen years taking prescriptions |
# ? Jul 22, 2022 21:02 |
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# ? May 4, 2024 07:14 |
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xcheopis posted:I would have loved this so much as a child: https://store.mcsweeneys.net/products/unnecessarily-beautiful-spaces-for-young-minds-on-fire-slipcase-edition?taxon_id=1 I'm not sure I exactly "get" what that one is about, but thanks for reading Giraffes? Giraffes! with me xcheopis! now I wanted to get into the bonus content I teased earlier. when I asked to borrow this book, my friend was quick to say "don't forget your flash cards!" and showed me a pocket in the back cover with a few flash cards to continue the experience after the afterword! yeah the infographic doesn't make a lot of sense to me either the reverse side of the intelligence ratio card: did I miss a page about giraffes being the illuminati or something? a guide to identifying American giraffes! and the reverse a postcard? can confirm. actually it wasn't until I was looking at the postcard that I thought to look at the reverse side of the cards. your human to giraffe phrase book. aaaaand the reverse. and finally the one flashcard that is one sided. this is a handy giraffe identifier, for those occasions when you are uncertain if you are looking at a giraffe or not. thanks for reading along, friends. |
# ? Jul 24, 2022 18:09 |