Let's Read: Giraffes? Giraffes!

The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > Let's Read: Giraffes? Giraffes!

Ass-penny

what's popping byob? I was hanging out at a friends a few days ago and noticed a book that piqued my interest. I got to view a few pages before my friend got back from the bathroom, and I knew I had to read the rest of it, then I thought I should share this with my friends in byob.

the jokes actually start on the page with the publisher info, ISBN number, short bibliography, etc. if you aren't into reading blurry photos of text, after the photo and illustration credits it reads:

quote:

All rights are reserved, except the right to wear orange and brown together, which we leave to you people who do that kind of thing. Permission to reprint this book in whole or part is prohibited, unless your name is Myron. We love people named Myron, If you can prove that your name is Myron, then we allow you to do anything you want with this book. You can use it for insulation, you can make wedding dresses from it. Up to you. If you are not named Myron, you are permitted only to read this book and to set up a shrine in a corner of your home where you may worship this book. You may read it eleven times, BUT NO MORE! More than eleven times can be very dangerous. Take our word on that. This boy, shown at right, read a previous work of ours twelve times and suffered the consequences you see. So be smart about this! Eleven times only. Pace yourself.

oh right, sorry, there's actually no jokes. the information within is serious, very serious information about the origins and biology of giraffes :haibrower:

at first I thought on not posting this disclaimer telling me not to do this thing I am doing with it presently, but byob likes crimes, I hope you will keep my secrets :ssh:

quote:

Welcome! to Dr. and Mr. Doris Haggis-On-Whey's World of Unbelievable Brilliance

Greetings. I am Dr. Doris Haggis-On-Whey, the world-famous scientist and explorer you have heard so much about. The man standing next to me is my husband, Benny. He helps me with my work, and tells adequate knock-knock jokes. I am glad that you have picked up this book. It shows that you are someone who looks to discover new things, and who, like me, dislikes hummus.

For the past forty years, my husband Benny and I have traveled the globe, collecting information and writing down our findings. It is my opinion that our findings are the most important and startling scientific information known to humankind. If you disagree with me, you are wrong.

Mr. Haggis-On-Whey and I live in a county called Crumpets-Under-Kilt, on the distant Isle of Air, in the northernmost reaches of Scotland. It is here that we store all of our equipment and our maps, rare animals, and scientific findings. For forty years all our information was kept very secret, until recently, when we decided to share our findings with the world, with common people, with good and smart people, and even people like you.

And so was born the Haggis-On-Whey series of Unbelievable Brilliance, by far the most comprehensive and impressive series of reference books about : Wolverines, Hallways, Neptune, Dogs Who Play Poker, Cardboard, Giant Squids, The Post Office, Thrones, Lunch Boxes, Garbage, Teeth, and Chartreuse.

there's a photo of them on the facing page, I'll have to try and get that in a later post. now that we know about our authors and their curious hostility about hummus, hands and face freshly washed, let's press forward.

quote:

We are here to learn about giraffes, or GIRAFFES. Giraffes are animals, sometimes known as aminals. A definition: Aminal (optional: animal): a being or creature that walks or flies and eats food. Aminals usually inhabit the Earth, roaming and lookin at this and that and chewing cud or gum, but can sometimes inhabit your body cavities, where it is dark.

Giraffes are one of the world's most misunderstood aminals. They are among the Top Five Most Misunderstood Aminals. The other aminals on that list are Frogs, Treefrogs, Red Frogs, Toucans, and the Muche-Feared Komodo Dragon. All of these aminals are misunderstood mainly because people have not taken the time to speak to them. This is usually the fault of humans, but in some cases, it is because the Most Misunderstood Aminals have bad telephone connections.

This book you are about to read is now the definitive text about the biology, history, and overall nature of giraffes. Some of the things you will read about giraffes will surprise you. Perhaps so much so that you want to yell some of these new facts from your bathroom window. If you feel this urge, we encourage you to act on it. No, actually, we don't. We discourage it. Wait. We changed our minds. We do encourage it. You know what? In the end, it's really up to you.

that blue chicken image would make a dope blotter sheet.

quote:

THE ORIGIN OF GIRAFFES
Giraffes first came to this planet nearly five-hundred thousand years ago, on a conveyor belt. No one is sure where the conveyor belt came from, because the pieces of the conveyor belt recovered for scientific study - in 1973, in Middleton, New Jersey, by Arni Arnasson, originally from iceland - are being hidden from the authors, Dr. and Mr. Haggis-On-Whey, by governmental stooges. The authors, however, know that this conveyor existed, because they have a very good hunch about it, and because Arni Arnasson was pretty sure, too. The conveyor is believed by the authors, one of whom is a trained scientist, to have originated on Neptune. This is the opinion of the authors because most scientists believe Neptune, because of its unique gaseous makeup and its green color, is the most likely planet to be inhabited by giraffes who could build conveyors.

quote:

WHAT ARE GIRAFFES MADE OF?
Giraffes' necks are actually made out of papier-m�ch�, which accounts for the drastically different lengths and sizes.

Has anyone ever told you "you have a giraffe's tail" and you wondered what that meant? The explanation will amuse you: inside the tail of every giraffe is a highly sophisticated clock that lets him or her know the exact time. Now, next time you wake up early without an alarm and your mother says, "You sure have a giraffe's tail," you can thank her, knowing that she's complimenting you on your internal clock.

The legs of giraffes are filled with various types of fruit juice. You see, giraffes love drinking fruit juices - pineapple, boysenberry, mango-lemon - but their bodies have no real use for fruit juice, so it all trickles down to their legs where it stays and squishes around. This should have been obvious to you.

The hooves of giraffes are fashioned with a super-strong lightweight titanium alloy. That's what makes their hooves so fierce-looking yet soothing at the same time. You know what else is fierce-looking but also soothing? Soap.

yeah I am not sure what the graphic about apples have to do with anything. most of the images seem to get referenced directly in the text, but not always. maybe apples are a key source of nutrition for giraffes? :iiam:

quote:

WHY DO GIRAFFES HAVE PATCHES?
Giraffes have interesting black patches all over their body, but this wasn't always the case. Well, actually they always have. I lied in that first sentence. I will never lie to you again. Now, here's why they have patches: those designs act as intergalatic receptors for communications they receive from their leaders. Through these patches, the giraffes receive vital information about hot stocks and upcoming movies to check out. Also, the black patches get very warm in the sun, which is why some (less brilliant than I) scientists have suggested that the patches are solar-powered processors. Now, that's just plain silly. But anyway, sometimes giraffes get tired of all these messages through their patch-receptors, and they cover up their patches. This is about the worst thing a giraffe can do! This can result in harsh penalties from their leaders, such as having to wear a mustache for months at a time. In some special cases, a giraffe will be born with an exceptionally large patch. In giraffe society this is viewed as a reat sign of beauty, or intelligence, or stupidity, or ugliness, or a tendency to laugh in a strange way.

well gol' dang! what do these patches mean? luckily our benevolent authors will explain these six patch patterns just below this graphic.

quote:

PATTERN 1 Much like a tattoo of a wolf on a motorcycle-riding person, this pattern says that this giraffe likes to dance in an Irish style, and also likes ot put cotton candy into the hair of his friends.

PATTERN 2 This pattern is a very distinguished pattern, passed down through many generations, and originating in Hungary. Long ago, some Hungarian giraffes decided to arrange their patterns this way, in hopes that they would be able to control the weather. It didn't work, but the patterns remain. These giraffes do not smell good.

PATTERN 3 When you see this pattern, you might want to have a pencil, or muskrat, with you.

PATTERN 4 This thype of giraffe is very good with computers, but is not very stylish. Also, these giraffes are all named after vice-presidents or are named Ted Nugent.

PATTERN 5 The giraffe wearing this pattern loves to talk about gardening, which usually isn't something very interesting to talk about. Don't get us wrong, gardening is fun - many think that I, Dr. Haggis-On-Whey, invented gardening, and gardens, and even plants - but that doesn't mean I want to hear some giraffe go on and on about it.

PATTERN 6 This pattern is worn by giraffes who ride motorcycles and listen to books on tape.

quote:

GIRAFFES AND THEIR HABITAT
Giraffes like to be where the action is, which is why most of them currently live in Terre Haute, Indiana. Through the years giraffes have moved many times, as a group, always using conveyors. That is, when they decide to move to another locale, the Team of Giraffe Engineers sets to work designing and building a giant escalator which will take them from their current home to their next home. This designing and building process can take up to ten years, which means that they have to be very sure about where they are moving.

quote:

Many years ago, the giraffes settled in Atlanta, which is known to most people as Hotlanta! But there were too many muskrats and six-fingered people in Hotlanta, and they soon moved to Columbus, Ohio. Columbus was indeed a very exciting place, and had many of the things they love - grass, people wearing pink shirts, and plenty of ceiling fans - but it didn't have one thing they were looking for - a zip code that started with the numbers 4780. So they moved to Terre Haute, Indiana (zip code: 47801), considered by most people to be the most exciting place on this planet or any other.

THE MANY ADVANTAGES OF TERRE HAUTE:
1. It is not in Micronesia
2. Its name starts with an 'I' and ends with an 'A'
3. It has two 'N's in it's name, and this is always good luck.
4. There are no Gila Monsters there, nor are there the nephews of Lee Iacocca (see p. 19) or anyone named Matthew Perry.
5. People always flush.

Terre Haute is known for many things, including buildings made of wood and ground made of dirt. It is widely believed that Terre Haute was founded in 1954 by a gigantic talking tree named Stuart. However, extensive research completed by myself, Dr. Doris Haggis-On-Whey, has determined that Terre Haute was actually built, in just over three weeks, by a team of crocodiles, all named Penelope and all lovers of sorbet. These crocodiles also loved country music, but not the kind played by people with gel in their hair.

Giraffes are not nocturnal, and do not like night, at all. This is why most giraffes live in houses where the lights are on twenty-four hours a day. They like to sit under ceiling fans, while eating sorbet and talking about ceiling fans and sorbet.

Is that all I can tell you about Giraffe Habitat? No, that is not all. I have 1,303 pages about Giraffe Habitat, and want to share it all with you, but I will not. I am not in the mood so just don't ask again. I'm serious. Don't look at me with that questioning look. Really, stop it. And wipe your mouth - you've still got toothpaste all over it. Can't you keep the toothpaste on your teeth? Didn't anyone ever teach you how to do that? Go get an umbrella and ten yards of rope and I'll teach you how to properly brush your teeth. Go!

with this two page spread done I'm going to call this the first installment of Let's Read Giraffes? GIRAFFES!. for those of you wondering about Lee Iacocca, we'll have to wait for the next update, that was 12 and 13 starting with the discussion of giraffe habitat. there's 63 pages counting the unnumbered pages with about the author and a sort of conclusion paragraph, some other possible H-O-W titles. ok see you soon for more about giraffes!

# ? May 25, 2022 05:12

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 4, 2024 06:54

google THIS

This reads kind of like an AI prompt

I'm shocked to learn that giraffes like ceiling fans, you'd think they'd be natural enemies

# ? May 25, 2022 13:36

google THIS

See? Right at home

We are here to learn about giraffes, or GIRAFFES. Giraffes are animals, sometimes known as aminals. A definition: Aminal (optional: animal): a being or creature that walks or flies and eats food. Aminals usually inhabit the Earth, roaming and lookin at this and that and chewing cud or gum, but can sometimes inhabit your body cavities, where it is dark. They are also known as herbivores. Herbivores are plants that eat, while carnivores are plants that eat other plants. In other words, giraffes, being herbivores, eat vegetation and eat plants.

Giraffes are large animals, and are also the tallest animals in the world. Giraffes stand over 6 ft tall, which is taller than the next tallest animal, the ostrich, which stands over 5 ft. If giraffes could fly, they would be the tallest in the sky. Since they can�t fly, they stay in the savanna of Africa, and like to eat vegetation. Most giraffes eat vegetation and plants. Since they can�t fly, giraffes walk around and walk to their favorite spots, like the savanna. Giraffes also like to eat food that has water in it, because this food is easy for giraffes to eat. Some giraffes like to eat vegetables and fruits, but not many. Some giraffes even love to eat other mammals, like rabbits and rodents.

The most important job of a giraffe is to eat. They eat all day and night, but they eat the most in the mornings, when the dew is not drying on the plants. But giraffes eat even if it is not raining. They eat all the time, and they eat in huge amounts, but they can�t swallow. Their necks don�t have enough length to put food in their throats, so giraffes swallow food by chewing it up into little pieces. As giraffes chew food, their legs and trunks help turn food into bits. If giraffes ate their food at a restaurant, they would be charged. Many people think that giraffes can�t swallow, but in fact giraffes can�t eat their food at a restaurant. The most important part of their bodies is their neck, and giraffes spend the most time in their necks, because this is where their eating is done.

Another important job of giraffes is to look for water. Giraffes are very thirsty animals, and they like to drink water if they find some. Giraffes like to look for places where there is water. They use their eyes and their very long necks to find water in the vegetation. In the mornings, giraffes look for water in the morning dew. Because of their very long necks, giraffes can look high into the sky for water, which is a difficult thing for some other animals to do. Sometimes giraffes have to stay up late looking for water in the evenings, so that they can get enough water to stay healthy. Giraffes also like to drink water during the hot and sunny days, because it cools them off.

Giraffes walk, and are also very strong animals. As giraffes walk, they can move at up to a brisk 4 mph. Giraffes can run, but only for a few minutes. When giraffes run, they can run about as fast as a cheetah, a small fast animal. Like other animals, giraffes are made up of cells, or cells, and those cells help a giraffe move around. Cells also help giraffes run around. Cells are found in their skin, bones, muscles, and intestines. Giraffes can also stand and walk on all four legs. Giraffes use their spines to walk on their front legs, and their toes for walking on their back legs.

# ? May 25, 2022 17:52

Manifisto

outstanding writeup op, thank you! this sounds like it may be a perfect gift for my niece.

ty nesamdoom!

# ? May 25, 2022 18:14

NumptyScrub: damn it I think the mirrors broken >˙.(

rear end-penny posted:

at first I thought on not posting this disclaimer telling me not to do this thing I am doing with it presently, but byob likes crimes, I hope you will keep my secrets

If your name is Myron you have a watertight defense :haibrow:

# ? May 25, 2022 19:16

Ass-penny

NumptyScrub posted:

If your name is Myron you have a watertight defense

I can't believe I'm going to need to get a fake ID at 35.

gT: lmao I was going to ask you to cite your source but after mulling it over and re-reading your posts I finally figured out you fed the bold text to an AI generator. the language used in the book is very weird, they like to repeat words a lot I've noticed.

Manifisto: yeah I think this would be extremely fun for a young person to experience. in addition to the 63 pages they wrote, there's some bonus content too, but I'm going to keep the specifics under wraps for at least a few more updates.

# ? May 25, 2022 20:59

Ass-penny

aaaaaand since I stated working on a second update, here's some graphics from pages covered in the first update that didn't make the first cut.

doctor and mr. Haggis-On-Whey themselves. they look like they party!

and this graphic was at the foot of the page telling us about how giraffes came to our planet, underneath the planets shown in proportion they are truly the origin of giraffes. :wow:

# ? May 25, 2022 22:50

google THIS

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giraffes%3F_Giraffes!

I now have even more questions

The band predates the book so maybe it inspired it, somehow? The title if nothing else?

# ? May 26, 2022 15:48

Ass-penny

google THIS posted:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giraffes%3F_Giraffes!

I now have even more questions

The band predates the book so maybe it inspired it, somehow? The title if nothing else?

actually my roommate mentioned that band to me when I brought the book home, we'd both assumed the book came first too. wild!

and the second installment:

hello welcome & READ

we begin today's lesson with a partial history of giraffes

quote:

GIRAFFES AT PLAY
Typically, giraffes enjoy games involving chance and the risking of property. While the very young partake in games of marbles and sticks, as adolescents they acquire a need for higher stakes.

Giraffes love to dance, and consider themselves expert. There are many competitions regionally and internationally, and many spectators attent, though giraffe-spectators can be a very demanding and unforgiving audience. For giraffes, dancing is a very serious business devoid of any fun or innuendo.

What's a perfect day of fun for a giraffe? First, a nice bath of cold fruit juice. Second, an hour of dancing in front of the mirror, to marp music. Third, a mile or so of skipping while thinking about cereal and St. Louis. Lastly, six or seven hours of marbles, especially if the marbles are blue and purple, and covered in fruit juice.

dang giraffes sound like a lot of fun.

some kids dancing I guess I don't even know :shrug:

the play page is opposite this diagram for the 3rd most popular giraffe dance.

quote:

GIRAFFE SUPERSTITIONS
As we all know, giraffes are very superstitious animals. Next to wallabies and orcas, they are probably the most superstitious creatures we have. Come to think of it, cheetahs are probably very superstitious, too. They're probably the most superstitious of all. Man, we could tell you stories about cheetahs. Giraffes, though, have concentrated most of their superstitions around moons and ladders. They're unsettled by almost every phase of the moon, and they won't go near ladders, whether those ladders are standing or prone.

opposite the superstitions page, we learn about the SWORN ENEMIES OF ALL GIRAFFES

if you're keeping score at home this is page 19 and right there near the bottom, number six, Lee Iacocca and his nephews. I checked the following page and no more information about Lee Iacocca or their nephews :iiam:

quote:

THE STORY OF FREDRICK, THE GIRAFFE WHO SHAVED HIS FUR AND TIRED TO LIVE AS A HUMAN

Fredrick was a strapping giraffe of 15, who thought he knew just about everything, and certainly better than his parents and their weird friends. One day, in class, he learned about the various migrations of giraffes. He learned about the Great Migration of 1888, when the giraffes moved from the Pensacola area, Destin in particular, and traveled to Atlanta, also known as Hotlanta! He heard about the Slightly Less Great Migration of 1947, where the giraffes left Atlanta (Hotlanta!) and traveled to the suburbs of Columbus, Ohio. In each case, he was taught how, when migrating, the giraffes built conveyors to take them from one place to the next. Sometimes these conveyors took decades to build. After hearing these stories, Fredrick had the temerity to ask his father why his ancestors had gone through all the trouble of building the conveyors, when they could just as easily walk or drive from one place to the next.

quote:

"So you know better than the giraffes with your magic of walking and cars?" said his father, whose name was Greg and who usually wore a cape made of tin foil. "Then go to your precious humans and live with them! We can no longer accept you."

Fredrick decided he would do just that. He went to Ann Arbor, Michigan, to live with the humans. First, though, he used Nair, a hair-removing solution, on his entire body. It hurt a great deal, and Fredrick yelled many words that cannot be printed here. (They were not dirty word, they simply cannot be printed here because they are currently vacationing in Miami.)

"There," said Fredrick with satisfaction, looking at his furless body, which was shiny for some reason. "Now I am the human."

From this point the story grows dull but can briefly be summarized. Fredrick got into real estate, rose fast in the industry, began dating two seamstress sisters named Edna and Helen, who were okay with sharing Fredrick, who was a very good bowler. Eventually, he was tried for tax fraud, acquitted, and then briefly noted as being a frequent customer at the Hard Rock Caf� in Sioux City.

wow, Fredrick is a rebel and a scholar. RIP in peace to a real one.

quote:

SOME OF THE BEST-LOOKING GIRAFFES

Even for a scientist as gifted and experienced as myself, Dr. Doris Haggis-On-Whey, this was a challenge. How do you choose the seven best-looking giraffes, when all giraffes have such lovely faces? Well, I have to admit that I got some help. I asked some muskrats that I know if they could come over and look at some pictures. Muskrats, as you know, are very keen judges of physical beauty, and judge most of the world's pageants and reality-television contests, often in the guise of former TV stars and contest winners. Well, the muskrats and I found what we believe to be the seven most stunning-looking giraffes, and we present them to you here, with their hometown and hobbies listed below their name. Enjoy!

140%, seems like giraffes are positively bursting with hygiene and patches! let's look at these giraffes.

Marcus from Hotlanta! likes fighting crime and vacuuming, very respectable.

Karl from Terre Haute likes drawing mustaches on pictures of cereal. an artiste!

Dominique from Provo, Utah, is a *checks notes* cutting cardboard with saftey scissors enthusiast.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S62CSpWWW2M

oh Juanita is actually from Terre Haute, my b. she likes watching golf on TV, and talking to socks.

Giacomo, also from Terre Haute, likes painting pictures of blankets, and vacuuming.

Cynthia from Hotlanta!, likes drinking blue liquids, and touching carpets with her elbows. sounds like a very cutting edge byob poster. I've heard of pouring blue liquid on tampons once a month but drinking the blue liquid :popeye:

also kind of looks like Cynthia just hit a blunt so that's a plus.

last but not least, our friend Gunther. no, not the G�nther who wrote the "Ding Dong Song," this giraffe is from Terre Haute and enjoys watching jai-alai, and staring at almonds.

# ? May 26, 2022 20:11

Heather Papps: hello friend

thank you so much for this. i own a copy but could not find it in my home and now suspect it is at my parents place. you're doing orb's work.

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? May 26, 2022 21:15

Ass-penny

Heather Papps posted:

thank you so much for this. i own a copy but could not find it in my home and now suspect it is at my parents place. you're doing orb's work.

keep an eye open for part three in a few days hopefully!

# ? May 26, 2022 21:21

xcheopis

Naturally, I had to get my own copy.

# ? May 26, 2022 21:49

Ass-penny

xcheopis posted:

Naturally, I had to get my own copy.

lol you probably have gotten your copy by now. I'm glad you're enjoying the thread. speaking of...

hello, sorry for the delay in this Let's Read, I got extremely side tracked by some non-giraffe things.

quote:

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Why do we call giraffes giraffes?
Because when they came to Earth they asked us to.

But if they came to Earth 25,000 years ago, that would have been before humans developed anything like our current languages. If the giraffes came that long ago, how could they tell the humans to call them giraffes?
I should have been more clear. The giraffes came to this planet 25,000 years ago, and then waited until humans became smart enough to understand English. Then they told the humans to call them giraffes.

What kind of shoes do giraffes wear?
Giraffes do not wear shoes.

Sure, but if they were to ear shoes, what kind would they like?
Giraffes do not wear shoes.

It's just a hypothetical question. What's the big deal?
You're right; it's not a big deal. You're making it a big deal.

Can't you just speculate?
Espadrilles.

What sorts of things do giraffes make, in terms of ceramics?
The usual things - bowls, vases mostly. They are crazy for glazes.

Is it true that giraffes helped build the transcontinental railroad?
We are not at liberty to comment on this matter.

lol I might have been a lil :trashed:

when I snapped these pictures, the framing is off. that third choice tongue color of green was "picked by Packers," which I believe is an american football joke, if you are into that sort of thing. personally I find sports distasteful.

quote:

RARELY ASKED QUESTIONS

Why do giraffes have four stomach compartments?
Like every other animal that is tall and spotted, the giraffes have a working stomach and a backup stomach. However, the other two stomachs are not actually stomachs at all but instead work as storage containers for the giraffes when they have many things to bring on a long boat trip and they want to keep their hands free. This should be obvious to anyone, even someone like you, with your poor taste in belts.

Where's the Giraffe Hall of Fame again?
It's in Sioux City, off the I-23, exit 40, just past Arby's. If you hit the Capybara Hall of Fame, you've gone too far.

How fast can giraffes run?
The giraffes have tried to phase out running from their lives, but if they had to they could still run much faster than you. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that they can run 780 mph.

What do giraffes use their horns for?
Giraffe horns are small, hair and skin-covered, and relatively rounded. Therefore there are only two things they can use them for, those being the removal of bottle caps, and pottery.

What do giraffes hate?
Giraffes do not really hate anything. However, there are a number of things they strongly dislike. Among those things: quizzical looks and billowing ceiling tapestries.

Why are giraffes' tongues blue?
Because pink was already taken.

imagine believing in subleasing, :lmao:

fruit roll-ups are dank as poo poo tho, I don't know what these giraffes are thinking

quote:

DO GIRAFFES STILL CONTROL EVERYTHING WE SEE IN MIRRORS?

The answer, sadly, is yes. They do. Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered why you looked thin, or large, or blue, or red? This, friends, is likely the work of giraffes. Giraffes control the majority of the mirrors in the United States and Canada. That's right - it used to be primarily people of Irish heritage that controlled what we see in the mirror, but today, it's a mainly giraffe-run business. From their headquarters in Atlanta and Terre Haute, teams of giraffes monitor the images you see in your mirror, adjusting them as they see fit. Though most of the time you see a pretty accurately reflected version of the real world, many times the reflection-monitors, bored and needing entertainment, will pl;ay with your mirror image, making him or her look very red, or very ugly, or sometimes just tired. Sometimes your mirror image will be holding an ice-cream cone, when you yourself are not holding an ice-cream cone. Other times, you will be bald, when you distinctly remember having robust and wavy hair. This mirror control is an issue being looked into by Congress. Most people think that the government should be overseeing our mirror images, but for now we have no choice; the giraffes have a monopoly on the business, and they are good at what they do.

ahhhhh Congress is on the case. you know nothing is going to happen with that useless lot. I'm very happy with my mirrors being controlled by giraffes, and not the government, thank you very much.

quote:

WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN GIRAFFES ARE "NECKING?"

A common misconception held by various experts- notably that hack, Arni Arnarsson- is that when giraffes "neck," they are expressing love or somehow "kissing." This could not be farther from the truth. While it is true that necking usually occurs between male and females giraffes, often in intimate settings, they are not "making out." Instead, they are negotiating intensely, usualy about financial matters. Between the ages of 12 and 14, at the same time that young humans are going through a period called "puberty," giraffes are going through a different period of growing up called "investment profiteering."

First, a young male giraffe will begin to feel strange, with new developments in his body; shortly thereafter, his portfolio will start changing and eventually his stocks will fluctuate and he'll feel helpless to control them. It is around this time that a young female giraffe will suddenly notice the male, as well as her new desire for capital. Thus a young woman will feel herself attracted to a financially insecure male and approach him. They will begin necking, usually at the library, or stock exchange. If all goes well, teh female will help the male put his money in a dependable, interest-earning, and diversified portfolio that will provide him great security and joy far into the future.

During this process both giraffes are completely vulnerable to attacks from predators, and roughly 60 to 70,000 giraffes are eaten each year while necking. Not only do the giraffe elders refuse to warn future generations of the risk of necking but many of them don't even seem to care! And that's a crying shame.

fuckin south dakota prairie dogs bankrupted my family :argh:

I always wondered how giraffes afford their gasoline for their motor boats!

quote:

WHY DO GIRAFFES CONTROL MOST OF THE WORLD'S SUPPLY OF ICE?

It was 1984 when the giraffes began to control all of the ice in the world. How did this happne, you ask? Well, in a way similar to how the wolverines took control of the Earth's whistling and itching. They all had a big meeting in a Mormon convention hall in Salt Lake City, Utah, where they ate croissants and discussed what they should control, now that they had taken care of all the mirrors (see page 34). There were many suggestions: "Let's control the Earth's alarm clocks," said one giraffe, whose name was Tiffany but she liked to be called Esmerelda. "I vote to control all the world's bumper stickers and waterslides," said Ted Nugent, a giraffe who was frequently confused with a human of the same name.

Finally, a small giraffe, perhaps a dwarf giraffe - his name was Stanley or Stuart or Jennifer - spoke up, and said, "It's obvious that ice is where the action is. It has all the things that we like so much: it's white, it's cold, and you can make snow-cones from it. Also, it's white. Did I mention that?" Everyone cheered, and they carried this giraffe out of the room on their shoulders, cheering all the way to the parking lot, where they became very cold, because it was January.

So next time you use ice - when you're tying your shoes, or petting your kitten, or drawing triangles, remember: Giraffes are watching you, and will bill you for your ice usage. Check your mailbox - there might be a bill there now!

ok not super into this page, loving sending me bills :dogstare:

I guess this book is about Madagascar now :shrug:

at least the sidebar gets acknowledged. Benny, you sly dog you!

oh yeah, this is the good stuff. Pieter and his fast ships, made for racing and carrying tea. :kiss:

oh no Dutch king, how could you betray the trust of the giraffes like that? luckily they got out and escaped to America :patriot:

quote:

GIRAFFES AND THEIR OPPONENTS, THE MONSTERS OF THE DEEP

Giraffes have traditionally had problematic relationships with the world's fierce sea monsters - the Giant Squid of the Lower Adriatic, the Gigantic Clam of the Red Sea, etc. - and the reasons are obvious: The giant sea creatures are jealous of the giraffes' dancing techniques and their sandwiches.

The battles between the giraffes, in their clipper ships, and the sea monsters are legendary. Take these three examples:

1. The Clipper Ship Edward Rhys-Davis battles The Humongous Sand Woman of Upper Volta

This took place in 1867, off the coast of Africa. Do not ask why the giraffes were sailing off the coast of Africa. I could tell you, but it would bring you to tears. The point is that they were there, and so was the Humongous Sand Woman of Upper Volta. Do not ask why the Humongous Sand Woman of Upper Volta was in the ocean, when she would probably be more comfortable in a dry climate, like a desert. The point, again, is that the giraffes and the Humongous Sand Woman of Upper Volta had a very fierce battle, which upset everyone, and left everyone involved very, very tired.

2. The Clipper Ship Velinda Rhys-Davis battles the Very Fearsome and Large Half-Lobster-Half-Starfish

This battle happened in 1910, off the coast of Daytona Beach, Florida. Daytona Beach is a great place to buy a cool T-shirt, by the way. The shirt might say something like "Life Is a Party," or "Life Is Very Nice" or "Life Is Like Being at the Beach on a Nice Day." Anyhoo, this one day, the clipper ship Belinda Rhys-Davis came upon the Very Fearsome and Large Half-Lobster-Half-Starfish, whose real name was Eric Vratimos and was always looking for a fight. This battle didn't last very long, because Eric Vratimos isn't such a good fighter, and started crying when the giraffes messed up his hair.

3.The Clipper ship Tina Yothers battles the Indescribably Inimitable and Big Driftwood Creature of the Bay of Bengali

This just happened last week, so you probably read about it in the paper.

lmao

ok I think that's it for this update, tune in for one last push through the end of the book, in hopefully way less time than elapsed between the last updates. thank you to those who are following along on this roller coaster ride of a book!

# ? Jun 21, 2022 22:29

How Wonderful!: I only have excellent ideas

There was a time in my life where I would take a chance on every book McSweeney's put out so I had all... four?... Haggis-on-Whey books. They're all pretty funny and worth tracking down.

-sig by Manifisto! goblin by Khanstant! News and possum by deep dish peat moss!

# ? Jun 22, 2022 00:48

Ass-penny

hey hey hey, welcome back for the exciting conclusion of the book! my hands are washed, let's dive in

quote:

THE STORY OF JUANITA GROADMAN

Juanita Groadman was a simple giraffe girl with a love in her heart for zinc. Throughout her childhood the very mention of the word could send her into ecstatic joy. Whenever Mr. and Mrs. Groadman left the house and Juanita would find herself left to her own devices, she would run to her room and dream of zinc. As she grew, her family tried to replace this fixation with friends or boys, but Juanita was not to be dissuaded. It was zinc she loved! There was only one thing that could make Juanita stop thinking about the 30th element, and that was bridge building. Suspension, beam, truss - Juanita loved all types of bridges.

Juanita sounds fun!

quote:

Unfortunate, Juanita lived in the time before bridge-building instructional books for children - I, Dr. Doris Haggis-On-Whey, am almost finished with such a book myself - so the only way she could gain more knowledge about bridges was to ride her bike down to a builder's office and tug on every pantleg until someone would give her some answers. Most of the people there would ignore her, but eventually a man at the office, his name being Stuart Stewart, saw the potential in such an interested and motivated lass. Soon after, Juanita would be off every morning to the bakery or coffee shop, picking up something for her new friend. When she returned, Stuart Stewart would pat Juanita on the head. He'd say, "You'll be in the bridge building industry in no time!" Oh boy was he right! thought Juanita on her graduation day from the University of Bridgediers.

quote:

Being such a young and bright talent in the field, Juanita was recruited by many bridgemaking companies, but she knew she wanted nothing more than to help her own town build their very first bridge. Everyone in the town was so impressed with Juanita and her shiny yellow hard hat, her fancy rulers and notebooks, and her fantastic talk about floating towers and high tension beams.

But the help Juanita had was never very good. To be honest, she had the worst crew any bridge-builder ever had. Man, they were terrible. They only wanted to eat lunch, all day, and even then they ate it slowly. And you know what they were always eating? Hummus! Hummus is for losers.

So one day while Juanita was in the air, spinning the cables, another young giraffe, who was supposed to be operating the crane, dropped part of the road deck on Juanita. Why? Because he'd been eating too much hummus, and it had screwed up his brain, which is what hummus does to brains. (It does! All my studies say that the terrible smell associated with hummus is just an outward sign that it's messing with your very brain!) Anyhoo, Juanita was crushed entirely, hard hat and all. She was okay, but was thereafter much shorter.

dang! I'm glad she's ok.

I think drawbridges are kind of neat :confused:

quote:

THE STORY OF TED "THEODORE" LOGAN, WHO CONSIDERED HIMSELF A FRIEND OF DESCARTES BUT WHO WAS NOT INVITED TO HIS WEDDING

In 1619, Rene Descartes, a bright, intelligent 23-years-young Frenchman, ran for seven hours in full medieval armor away from the battle he was supposed to be fighting for Prince Maurice of Nassau. He ran until he stumbled and fell into Ted Logan's prized artichoke garden.

Ted Logan was a prominent French giraffe and farmer and a lover of the ancient sport of jai-alai. Ted watched as Descartes hobbled around frantically on his newly sprained ankle and finally asked the man if he needed a place to rest. Descartes wound up spending two weeks with his new friend Ted Logan and found Ted to be equipped with a refreshingly bright mind. The two talked about everything from politics to aesthetics to the hats that women should wear, and as Descartes took leave of his friend they promised to correspond often.

When Descartes set down to write Passions of the Soul, many of his concepts of prenatal ideas were inspired by moonlight conversations he had with Ted. When Ted went fishing in the following spring, he invited Descartes along and taught him how. Soon after Descartes met his eventual wife Aaltje, he invited Ted to join them on their trip to Corsica. The times were sweet. But only two years later, when Descartes family's wedding invitations were sent to the post, none were addressed to Ted.

quote:

It was a large wedding and Ted was a likeable guy yet Descartes did not reserve a seat for him at his most joyous of days. Why was that? Was it something Ted wrote in an email? Ted went through all the messages he'd sent to Descartes, but couldn't find anything in particular that might have offended his friend. Did he forward too many jokes? Too many fund-raising emails from people he knew who were running in 5k Fun Runs? What was it?

If you have any insight, Ted would like you to email him: Ted@haggis-on-whey.com

"my pants are off, put the kettle on" is so good I might start drinking tea to have an excuse to say it.

yeah this part is a lot. there's some sensitive information in the following long, rambling paragraph. it may well change your perception of giraffes forever, and I don't blame you if you don't want to brave it. I'm putting spoilers over it so that any giraffes in your area can't find out about the secrets our benevolent author wanted to share with us. if you are a giraffe, PLEASE DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING

quote:

Hello. Sorry for the extremely small type here. But we had to tell you things we couldn't have the giraffes reading, and everyone knows that giraffes can't read very small type, and they certainly can't read anything in blue type, ever. So we're safe. Do you feel safe? Good. We do, too. There are some things we wanted you to know about our subjects that ould either hurt the feelings of giraffes or endanger our own lives. First of all, giraffes sometimes smell very bad. They have been told this a few times by Mr. Haggis-On-Whey and myself, but they don't seem to get the message. What to they smell like, you ask? They smell like pastrami. Maybe you're a big fan of pastrami, and you like everything to smell like this kind of lunchmeat. If so, you're welcome to smell giraffes, up close, all you want. But personally, we like only one thing to smell like pastrami, and that's pastrami. When do giraffes smell like pastrami? In these instances: 1) After taking hot tubs; 2) After doing some very intense origami; 3) Before reading books about oceans. Now, for some giraffes, these situations happen very often, which means, yes: they frequently smell like pastrami. And it's not even good pastrami. It's the odor of a very cheap pastrami. Not the deli kind, that you'd order by the pound, and it would be dry and spicy. No, this is a wet, stinky pastrami that you get in a plastic package, all the round slices laid out like playing cards. Imagine the smell of this pastrami. Now imagine a whole huge mammal covered in it, head to toe. Now imagine that instead of actually being covered in it, head to toe, it only smelled like this huge mammal was covered in it. Now you know what it's like to be around a giraffe after some origami. The other thing I wanted to mention is that Marcus isn't really one of the best-looking giraffes. (See p. 23). You probably noticed this. He's really sort of goofy-looking, if you ask me - he's nowhere near as handsome as iacomo (p. 27) or Gunther (p. 29). But Marcus overheard that we were writing a book, and that there would be some pages with good-looking giraffes pictured, and you know what he did? He came to our house! He flew from Terre Haute, Indiana, all the way to our cottage in Crumpets-under-Kilts. He just showed up one day, and rang the bell. Actually, he didn't ring the bell, because the bell was broken. He knocked on the door, loudly. No, he didn't knock on the door, come to think of it. The door was being replaced that week, so there was no door. What did he do, anyway? I'm going to ask Mr. Haggis-on-Whey. Okay, now I'm back. I just asked my husband and he remembered that Marcus had come around to the back of the house, where Mr. and I were sunbathing while wearing eggplants. This is something we do often, because it helps bring universal energy into our brains and feet, the two most important parts of one's person. So we were there, in the back, on our hammocks, bringing the energy of the universe into our brains and our feet, when something literally blotted out the sun! Really! We looked up, thinking it was a visitor from Sector 7 or possibly a Fhumoud!-Fuba, bu it wasn't either of those things. It was Macus. "Hey guys," he said. "I hear you're putting together some kind of book with pictures of great-looking guys like me." I answered that in fact we were putting together a reference book about his species, to be studied by discerning scholars around the world. Inside this book, I admitted, would be a few pictures of the most attractive giraffes. "So where do I sign up?" he askeds. "How much do I get paid?" he said. He was a very annoying giraffe. He had a bunch of pictures with him. I asked what the pictures were. He said they were pictures of himself, in many different poses and with many different outfits. In a few pictures, he was wearing a cape, like a superhero. Mr. Haggis-on-Whey and myself found these photos, and Marcus himself, very amusing. He was a young giraffe who had traveled by plane 6,000 miles to come and show us pictures of himself wearing a cape. This cape, I should mention, was made of polyester, a material that everyone knows doesn't fly. Cotton and wool fly, and Gore-Tex flies, but polyester doesn't fly, never has. But perhaps Marcus wasn't planning to actually fly. So we had poor Marcus in for tea and cucumber sandwiches, which he ate very happily. I'm not sure why I told you that whole story. Oh, now I know. The main thing I wanted to talk to you about was how giraffes will play piano when they come over to visit. And Marcus was certainly giraffe-like in this regard! You know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the people who can't stay away from a piano, even though they've never taken a lesson in their life. Okay, let's say there's a piano in the room. It's just there, and no one usually plays it, because it's so out of tune that when played, it sounds like someone stepped on a seal. But in comes the giraffe, and the giraffe has never learned to play a note. But what does he do? He heads straight for the piano bench! He sits down. He opens the piano lid, the thing that protects the keys, and he starts hitting the keys. You know what he's doing? He's touching the keys, thinking that he'll magically start to know what he's doing. But of course he doesn't know. He'll just sit there, in your living room, after eating eleven cucumber sandwiches, and he'll be tapping on your piano that sounds like a seal. Humming to himself! And I have to tell you, as bad as some giraffes smell - like pastrami - they're much worse when they hum. They hum like pastrami would hum, if it could hum, which it can't anymore, ever since Senator Alan Simpson of Wyoming passed a law against it, thank god. This is what Marcus did when he came over with his pictures of himself in a cape, he hacked away at the piano and he hummed like pastrami. We finally got him to leave by jumping up and down on the floor, which all giraffes hate. If you ever want to get a giraffe to leave your house, just jump up and down. But jump in place! Don't moved all around like you're on a pogo stick! Just jump up and down in place, and the giraffe will leave within a few minutes. Something about the jumping just bugs them. Speaking of bugging people, did I ever tell you about my brother Cecil? Oooh boy, that's someone who could really get on your nerves. Have you met him? You haven't? Well, you're lucky. He's a year older than I, Dr. Doris Haggis-On-Whey, am and he still thinks he's my big brother, even though neither of us is a teenager anymore. When I see him, he still gives me what in my day we used to call 'gomble-smacks.' What is a gomble-smack, you ask? I will tell you, but you must promise never to do this to one of your own siblings or friends. To give someone a gomble-smack, you stand behind them, and you do two things at the same time. 1) You push your knee into the back of their knee, causing them to slightly lose their balance. 2) While doing this, you are also tickling either side of their waist. If they are ticklish, when you do these two things at the same time, the recipient of a gomble-smock will leap at least a foot in the air and shriek. Well, my brother Cecil still does this to me, which is not an appropiate thing to do to a world-famous scientist and exlorer like myself. So, where were we? We were telling you all the facts about giraffes that they wouldn't want us telling you. You want to know a very interesting thing? Giraffes are very bad at four-square. It's kind of strange, because they're very good at tetherball and bocce ball. But yes, it's true, they're not very good at four square. They lose every time. The second they get back into Square Four, they get knocked out again. Almost never do they make it all the way to Square One. And it has nothing to do with the fact that they have hooves, and not hands. And it's not because, when standing on their hind legs, they can get to be as much as thirty feet tall. No, it's more about their shot-placement. They can't find the corners. This is why they're also not very good at billiards. Okay, I guess that's all we wanted to say here, in this small type that giraffes can't read.

the story of Donald J. Pendelton is interesting

rough business with the leg. on the reverse page is an illustration of the man and a story about monks.

quote:

HOW TO MAKE A BREAD SANDWICH

There's almost no reason to bother telling you how to make a bread sandwich, because chances are you will not succeed. Bread sandwiches are usually assembled by teams of Austrian dental students, using stainless steel tool sand also a complicated system of weights and pulleys. You won't be able to do it! So why try? You ould hurt yourself. You could bring injury and ruin to those around you. You could even damage the upholstery or anger your parents and relatives. Nevertheless, because we are reckless, we will offer you four of the most popular recipes for bread sandwiches, the favored food of giraffes of the greater Terre Haute, Indiana, area.

honestly I could get behind that sandwich of Crazy Marion and Peculiar Hector

quote:

NATURE'S CRUELEST JOKE: THE MINATURE GIRAFFE

I realize that some of the information we've been giving you is light-hearted and enjoyable to read. Well, now I must discuss with you something serious. Something very serious. It's so serious that I want you to take off and pink or light-blue clothing, and I want you to cover your ears, so there are no distractions. Have you done this? Why are you so slow at everything that matters?

We must stop the exploitation of minature giraffes! You have seen these poor creatures. They are just like regular giraffes, except that whereas regular giraffes are very tall, these minature giraffes are - you guessed it - not as tall.

But because many people find them to be "cute," they have been used in many ways that are not dignified. Take, for example, their inclusion in many professional baseball teams of the early 20th century. Because giraffes are naturally good bunters and third basemen, it would follow that a minature giraffe would be even better! And so they were recruited to play baseball, and were paid lots of money for their efforts. This wasn't fair to anyone.

Nowadays, they are kept as pets. These animals, with IQs in the 400s, are being told to "sit" and "roll over" and "lick my face and bark!" This is an outrage!

Please write to your local senator or president and tell them that you won't buy any more of their pastrami or car stereos or tanks unless they do something about this. Now!

I'll be honest, I'm probably going to stick my thumb on my nose and wave my fingers at my local representatives whether or not they solve this miniature giraffe problem

quote:

HOW DID THE GIRAFFES COME TO BE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS WITH THE APPALACHIAN WHITE OWL?

It does seem odd that such charming and socially adept creatures as the giraffes should bother with a loner like the Appalachian white owl. But then again, giraffes are known to be peculiar on occasion. Did you know six giraffes once treaded water in the ocean for sixty-eight hours straight just to prove the local Kiwanas club wrong?

Anyway, a long time ago - "due to a budget crisis" - the Greater Atlanta Giraffe Historical Soiety were forced to reenact their PBS Lewis and Clark video trilogy in the factually inaccurate Appalachian mountains. Well, needless to say, the giraffes ran into a series of problems, none much fatiguing than the week they spent trying to make the Allegheny Plateau look vaguely like the Lolo Pass through the Bitterroot Mountains. The Appalachian white owl, seeing the giraffes in such a predicament and knowing the poor funding PBS receives, decided to do his part to aid the giraffes. "Make it a character-driven drama rather than historically centralized," said the owl from a nearby pear tree. "And throw in some trick photography." The owl had saved the movie and the careers of all involved!

Regrettably the film received no awards and was largely ignored, but a cameraman was asked about the rights to the white owl story when he told the anecdote to a prominent Hollywood type. That's why to this day no matter what the white owl can expect cornucopia for Easter from his good friends the giraffes.

and rather abruptly, that's the book!

the authors!

I'm going to wrap this post up. I'll type up the conclusion paragraph too if people like, I do have a little bonus content as well, but that's for another post. thanks for reading along, friends!

# ? Jul 22, 2022 02:10

Ass-penny

How Wonderful! posted:

There was a time in my life where I would take a chance on every book McSweeney's put out so I had all... four?... Haggis-on-Whey books. They're all pretty funny and worth tracking down.

this is my first experience with a McSweeney book but it was super fun to read! I'm glad my friend lent it to me

# ? Jul 22, 2022 02:13

xcheopis

rear end-penny posted:

this is my first experience with a McSweeney book but it was super fun to read! I'm glad my friend lent it to me

https://store.mcsweeneys.net/authors/dr-and-mr-dorishaggis-on-whey

Fifteen years taking prescriptions
Now a shrink like, "I dunno, maybe get a kitten"

# ? Jul 22, 2022 03:01

Ass-penny

xcheopis posted:

https://store.mcsweeneys.net/authors/dr-and-mr-dorishaggis-on-whey

might have to check out some of their other publications!

# ? Jul 22, 2022 20:34

xcheopis

rear end-penny posted:

might have to check out some of their other publications!

I would have loved this so much as a child: https://store.mcsweeneys.net/products/unnecessarily-beautiful-spaces-for-young-minds-on-fire-slipcase-edition?taxon_id=1

Fifteen years taking prescriptions
Now a shrink like, "I dunno, maybe get a kitten"

# ? Jul 22, 2022 21:02

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? May 4, 2024 06:54

Ass-penny

xcheopis posted:

I would have loved this so much as a child: https://store.mcsweeneys.net/products/unnecessarily-beautiful-spaces-for-young-minds-on-fire-slipcase-edition?taxon_id=1

I'm not sure I exactly "get" what that one is about, but thanks for reading Giraffes? Giraffes! with me xcheopis!

now I wanted to get into the bonus content I teased earlier. when I asked to borrow this book, my friend was quick to say "don't forget your flash cards!" and showed me a pocket in the back cover with a few flash cards to continue the experience after the afterword!

yeah the infographic doesn't make a lot of sense to me either :shrug:

the reverse side of the intelligence ratio card:

did I miss a page about giraffes being the illuminati or something?

a guide to identifying American giraffes! and the reverse

a postcard?

can confirm. actually it wasn't until I was looking at the postcard that I thought to look at the reverse side of the cards.

your human to giraffe phrase book.

aaaaand the reverse.

and finally the one flashcard that is one sided. this is a handy giraffe identifier, for those occasions when you are uncertain if you are looking at a giraffe or not.

thanks for reading along, friends.

# ? Jul 24, 2022 18:09

The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > Let's Read: Giraffes? Giraffes!