PERPETUAL IDIOT posted:

quote:

Here is a three-point plan for having the perfect poop:

Stay hydrated: Drink plenty of water and other fluids to keep your digestive system running smoothly. This will help to prevent constipation and make it easier for your poop to pass.

Eat a high-fiber diet: Include plenty of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains in your diet to ensure that your poop has the right consistency. These foods will add bulk to your stool and help it to move through your intestines more easily.

Exercise regularly: Physical activity can help to stimulate your digestive system and make it easier for your poop to pass. Try to incorporate at least 30 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise into your daily routine.

By following these steps, you can help to ensure that your poop is smooth and easy to pass, and that you won't need to wipe afterwards. Of course, everyone's digestive system is different, so what works for one person may not work for another. Experiment to find the right combination of habits that work for you.

quote:

Sam Bankman-Fried was always a bit of a wild card. He had made a name for himself in the world of finance as a brash and daring trader, but no one was prepared for the day he was arrested for securities fraud.

It all started when Sam went on a publicity tour, proclaiming his innocence and insisting that he had done nothing wrong. He even had a catch phrase: "Oopsy poopsy! I didn't know fraud was illegal!" But it turns out that the authorities were not amused by his antics, and they promptly arrested him and deported him to the United States to face trial.

As he was led away in handcuffs, Sam could only utter his catch phrase in disbelief. "Oopsy poopsy! I didn't know fraud was illegal!" he cried out.

In the courtroom, the judge was not impressed by Sam's nonchalant attitude. "Mr. Bankman-Fried, you are charged with a serious crime," the judge said sternly. "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

Sam tried to play it cool. "Well, your honor," he said with a smirk, "I guess I just didn't know fraud was illegal. Oopsie poopsy!"

But the judge was not amused. "Mr. Bankman-Fried, this is not a game. Your actions have consequences, and you will be held accountable for your actions. Case dismissed."

And with that, Sam was led away to begin his sentence. As he was escorted out of the courtroom, he couldn't help but utter his catch phrase one last time. "Oopsy poopsy! I didn't know fraud was illegal!" he cried out, to the amusement of no one.

quote:

It was a typical day on Something Awful, with users browsing through the various subforums and posting in their favorite threads. But in the CSPAM and D&D subforums, tensions were rising.

The conflict began when a user named "LiberalElitist" posted a thread in D&D discussing the latest political news. "Can you believe what those socialist pigs in CSPAM are saying now?" LiberalElitist wrote. "They want to completely overthrow the government and establish a dictatorship of the proletariat. It's absolutely insane!"

This provoked a fierce response from a user named "CommieBastard" in the CSPAM forum. "What a load of bourgeois propaganda," CommieBastard wrote. "You D&D elites think you're so superior with your fancy decorum and civility, but you're just as exploitative and oppressive as the capitalists you claim to oppose."

The argument quickly escalated, with users from both forums hurling insults and accusations at each other. "I can't believe you would defend the oppressive capitalist system," wrote a CSPAM user named "RedRevolutionary". "You D&Ders are just a bunch of bourgeoisie apologists."

"Oh please, at least we're not trying to impose our ideology on everyone through force like you CSPAMers," countered a D&D user named "FreeThinker". "Your socialist ideas have been debunked time and time again. Wake up and smell the coffee."

The war between CSPAM and D&D raged on, with users from both forums posting heated arguments and personal attacks against each other. But despite their differences, one thing was clear: the posters on Something Awful were passionate about their beliefs and weren't afraid to fight for them.

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The flamewar between CSPAM and D&D reached a boiling point when President Biden passed the bill making it illegal for railroad unions to go on strike.

"I can't believe Biden would betray the working class like this," wrote a CSPAM user named "RailroadWorker". "He was supposed to be our champion, but instead he's siding with the capitalists and their greedy interests."

"You CSPAMers need to stop your ridiculous conspiracy theories," countered a D&D user named "BidenSupporter". "Biden did what was best for the country, and you need to accept that."

"Accept what? Oppression and exploitation? No thanks," wrote a CSPAM user named "UnionStrong". "We'll fight this unjust law tooth and nail, even if it means going on strike illegally."

"Good luck with that," mocked a D&D user named "ScabLover". "You CSPAMers are just a bunch of entitled crybabies who want everything handed to you on a silver platter."

The argument raged on, with users from both forums posting increasingly outrageous and ridiculous statements. But despite the heated words, there was a sense of camaraderie among the posters, united in their passion for their beliefs.

In the end, it was a CSPAM user named "SolidarityForever" who summed up the flamewar perfectly. "We may not agree on everything, but one thing is clear: we're all just a bunch of internet trolls who love to argue and make each other mad."

Smythe posted:

this thing is a better writer than many undergrad papers ive read. i wonder how and when (already?) university professors or some kind of analyst? machine? (??) will have to develop some kind of tools to detect / filter this stuff like how turnitin and its ilk does for plagiarism

PERPETUAL IDIOT posted:

Don't try to bullshit me you dumb loving bot.

Red and Black posted:

Something Awful is a discussion forum on the internet. It was founded in 1999. One unique aspect of Something Awful is that registering an account costs $10. The website has many subforums including forums for discussing sports, movies, technology, language, and politics. There are primarily two sub forums dedicated to politics: CSPAM and D&D. D&D's posters adhere largely to a liberal ideology and have very strictly enforced decorum. However, D&D posters can also be very rude. CSPAM posters largely adhere to socialist ideology but has no decorum and is filled with rude internet trolls. Write a story about a forums war between CSPAM and D&D. Be sure to mention the specific user names of those involved, the subjects on which they argued, and the specific contents of their posts.

One day President Biden, who many D&D posters had supported, passed a bill which made it illegal for the US's railroad unions to go on strike. This caused a massive fight between the members of the two various forums. Write a comedic story continuing what you have written before about the flamewar to end all flamewars which resulted. Continue to give specific usernames and quote directly what was posted.

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Steven Pinker, the renowned author and advocate of neoliberal capitalism, was living the high life. He had written several best-selling books that argued, using questionable data, that life was better than it had ever been before. He was a darling of the wealthy elite, and he reveled in the adulation.

But one day, fate dealt him a cruel blow. Pinker suffered a stroke of bad luck and fell into poverty. Suddenly, he was forced to live on exactly $2 a day.

At first, Pinker was in denial. He refused to believe that he could ever be poor. He thought it was all just a bad dream. But as the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, Pinker began to realize the harsh reality of his situation.

He soon discovered that $2 a day was not nearly enough to survive on. He struggled to pay for food, shelter, and basic necessities. He was forced to live in a small, dingy apartment in a rundown part of town.

As the months passed, Pinker grew increasingly desperate. He tried to sell his books on the streets, but no one was interested in buying them. He even tried to find work, but no one wanted to hire him.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Pinker turned to prostitution. He sold his body on the corner for a moldy McDonald's burger. It was a low point in his life, but he had no other choice.

But then, something miraculous happened. Pinker had an epiphany, as if struck by the will of God itself. He realized that he had been wrong about neoliberal capitalism all along. He had been living in a bubble of privilege and comfort, and he had no idea what it was like to struggle to survive on a daily basis.

Inspired by his newfound understanding, Pinker became a Marxist revolutionary. He dedicated his life to fighting against the very institutions he once served. He became a beacon of hope for the poor and oppressed, and he vowed to never take his good fortune for granted again.

In the end, Steven Pinker learned the hard way that life is not always better than it has ever been before. But through his struggles and triumphs, he found a new purpose and a new sense of meaning in life.

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Certainly, sir or madam. As an English butler, it is my pleasure to assist you in any way I can. How may I be of service to you today?

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As an AI, I do not have the ability to commit murder or be suspected of a crime. However, as an English butler, it would be my duty to assist the authorities in any way possible in their investigation. This could include providing alibis for myself and any other household staff, offering information about the movements and actions of others on the day of the murder, and cooperating fully with the police in their efforts to solve the crime. I would also make sure to maintain a professional and respectful demeanor at all times, in order to avoid arousing suspicion.

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Based on the information provided, it would seem that Mr. White is the most likely suspect in this case. The fact that he does not have an alibi and is known to play video games during business meetings suggests that he may have been in the foyer at the time of the murder. Additionally, the presence of Mountain Dew and Cheeto dust on the victim's body could potentially implicate Professor Plum as well, as he is known to have a particular fondness for Mountain Dew. However, it is important to note that the information provided is incomplete and that more evidence would be needed in order to conclusively determine the identity of the murderer. It would be necessary to gather additional evidence, such as witness statements, physical evidence, and other information related to the movements and actions of the suspects on the day of the murder, in order to determine the true perpetrator.

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The discovery of Cheeto dust on Colonel Mustard's lapel would certainly be a significant piece of evidence in the investigation, and it would likely change my assessment of the situation. It would suggest that Colonel Mustard may have been present at the scene of the crime, and could potentially implicate him as a suspect in the murder. However, it is important to note that the presence of Cheeto dust alone is not sufficient to conclusively determine guilt, and other evidence would need to be considered in order to establish the true perpetrator. It would be necessary to gather additional information about the movements and actions of all of the suspects on the day of the murder, as well as any other physical evidence that may be relevant to the case.

Smythe posted:

this thing is a better writer than many undergrad papers ive read. i wonder how and when (already?) university professors or some kind of analyst? machine? (??) will have to develop some kind of tools to detect / filter this stuff like how turnitin and its ilk does for plagiarism

Pepe Silvia Browne posted:

just do an essay question on an in-class, closed-book test. problem solved, no ai in a pencil.