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White Kid Polo
Mar 28, 2006

you must take me to taco bell and i am not kidding
Does anyone else with ADHD have an inconveniently high sex drive/sex drive that is higher than most people of your age and gender? I'm sure I'll appreciate this when I'm 40, but right now it is really annoying.

edit: haha what a goofy way to start the new page

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YggiDee
Sep 12, 2007

WASP CREW
I've never realized how much of a difference my :catdrugs: were making for me until I met a co-worker whose ADHD is clearly worse than mine. Then it was just "poo poo, is that how I look to everyone else? " Man goddamn vibrates. It's like, now that I observe it from the outside, I can definitely see how I was compared to how I am.

signalnoise
Mar 7, 2008

i was told my old av was distracting

Jose Rizal posted:

Does anyone else with ADHD have an inconveniently high sex drive/sex drive that is higher than most people of your age and gender? I'm sure I'll appreciate this when I'm 40, but right now it is really annoying.

edit: haha what a goofy way to start the new page

I do

Aculard
Oct 15, 2007

by Ozmaugh

Jose Rizal posted:

Does anyone else with ADHD have an inconveniently high sex drive/sex drive that is higher than most people of your age and gender? I'm sure I'll appreciate this when I'm 40, but right now it is really annoying.

edit: haha what a goofy way to start the new page

My husband automatically smacks my hands in his sleep when I touch him because I keep trying to grab his dick in the middle of the night. Sometimes he'll just push me to the other side of the bed hahah.

Authentic You posted:

:stare:

:stare:

Kylra
Dec 1, 2006

Not a cute boy, just a boring girl.

Jose Rizal posted:

Does anyone else with ADHD have an inconveniently high sex drive/sex drive that is higher than most people of your age and gender? I'm sure I'll appreciate this when I'm 40, but right now it is really annoying.

edit: haha what a goofy way to start the new page

Yep. Definitely something I have noticed.

TheGopher
Sep 7, 2009
Successfully navigated my way out of the spiral of doom and got back on meds in time!

Basically, I have been procrastinating about literally everything, and I can't figure out why the gently caress it's been getting worse. Even got to a point where I didn't get an appointment in time with my shrink and was without meds for like 3 weeks, which was just simply loving brutal. Got the meds now and work is completely more bearable but I'm still procrastinating like crazy and it's driving me nuts.

I feel like my life is completely cyclic. I start "fresh" with a job or a new semester at school, and do really well the first few weeks when it's still new and exciting. Once the drudgery sets in I'm just gone, and after awhile I'll just procrastinate with my new responsibilities until I've completely hosed myself over and have dropped out of school or got fired. After a period of doing jack poo poo for a few weeks I finally stop procrastinating, get a few things done, start "fresh" and the cycle begins again.

What's different this time is for the last year and a half I haven't been sheltered by my parents in the slightest, so it's impossible for me just to give up on poo poo. Now, it feels like the end of that cycle is setting in and I cant even muster the willpower to just take care of some basic poo poo like running errands because doing anything in LA is a complete pain in the rear end. Right now I need to do laundry, clean my room + bathroom (even though I like have a clean living space) get a haircut, and go shopping somewhere interesting for a secret santa present. Not really that bad, but I'm just stuck here on the loving computer procrastinating with no end to the "oh well I'll do that later I need to do xxxx right now."

wilfredmerriweathr
Jul 11, 2005

Jose Rizal posted:

Does anyone else with ADHD have an inconveniently high sex drive/sex drive that is higher than most people of your age and gender? I'm sure I'll appreciate this when I'm 40, but right now it is really annoying.

edit: haha what a goofy way to start the new page

I do when I'm not medicated. When I take my medication daily I actually have a much lower sex drive, much to the detriment of my partner's sex life :(

Qu Appelle
Nov 3, 2005

"If a COVID-19 pandemic occurs, public health officials may have additional instructions, such as avoiding close contact with others as much as possible, and staying home if someone in your household is sick." - Official insights from Public Health: Seattle & King County staff

YggiDee posted:

I've never realized how much of a difference my :catdrugs: were making for me until I met a co-worker whose ADHD is clearly worse than mine. Then it was just "poo poo, is that how I look to everyone else? " Man goddamn vibrates. It's like, now that I observe it from the outside, I can definitely see how I was compared to how I am.

Jesus God yes. I've had a couple of coworkers in the past who were SO OBVIOUSLY ADHD it wasn't even funny. One just sort of sat there like a space cadet half the time, and was really unobtrusive. However, the other one? Clearly hyper. The sad thing was that his son had been diagnosed with ADHD and he made sure that his son took his meds. But him? Oh, he doesn't believe in that stuff. Didn't stop him though from coming in really late, slacking on work, butting into conversations all the time, talking about wildly inappropriate things at work (really, no one wants to hear your views on abortion in a software lab), had racist opinions that he didn't mind sharing off work, etc. I so wanted to dose his tea with my Adderall it wasn't even funny. That man needs some serious :catdrugs: before he runs into someone who won't put up with his crazy and then he faces the consequences.

I've also had coworkers comment to me that I 'flail' and move around lot, and they find it distracting. It got better when the chance to do something really physical came up, I was like "Oh please! Gimme something where I have to move around! Yes!" I've also gotten scolded for butting into conversations, so that's something I also watch.

ps: :catdrugs: is the best smiley, truth. I am so glad our little thread has adopted it as our own.

(In regards to sex drive, it's a little less on the Dex. However, I had a heart-to-heart with my vibrator, and she doesn't mind.)

Qu Appelle fucked around with this message at 07:21 on Dec 3, 2010

signalnoise
Mar 7, 2008

i was told my old av was distracting

Qu Appelle posted:

I've also had coworkers comment to me that I 'flail' and move around lot, and they find it distracting. It got better when the chance to do something really physical came up, I was like "Oh please! Gimme something where I have to move around! Yes!" I've also gotten scolded for butting into conversations, so that's something I also watch.

There is only one person I have at my job who is willing to have a conversation about things like movement and shapes in 4-dimensional space, cosmology, etc.. The rest find me very annoying when I try to have a conversation about anything that I'm interested in.

Also, my coworkers comment that I "move funny" and it "freaks them out." Basically I move like I am dancing a little bit. Instead of shuffling my feet around to turn, I pivot on the balls or heels of my feet. When I need to reach something low, I drop into a squat instead of bending over and groaning like a normal person. I position my feet in seemingly awkward positions so that I can bend over and cover a much wider area with my hands without falling, so I don't have to walk and squat back and forth to put things in their place on the wall. Apparently that's weird. Go figure.

Qu Appelle
Nov 3, 2005

"If a COVID-19 pandemic occurs, public health officials may have additional instructions, such as avoiding close contact with others as much as possible, and staying home if someone in your household is sick." - Official insights from Public Health: Seattle & King County staff

We're just monsters :ohdear:

Angry Diplomat
Nov 7, 2009

Winner of the TSR Memorial Award for Excellence In Grogging

YggiDee posted:

I've never realized how much of a difference my :catdrugs: were making for me until I met a co-worker whose ADHD is clearly worse than mine. Then it was just "poo poo, is that how I look to everyone else? " Man goddamn vibrates. It's like, now that I observe it from the outside, I can definitely see how I was compared to how I am.

I'm off-meds for a week until the followup appointment to adjust my dosage, and I'm getting this same sort of revelation, except with myself in place of the spaced-out coworker. The whole week so far has been a weird fog of confusion, wandering focus, and a general inability to accomplish anything. I knew it made a huge difference, but drat. I need my drugs :(

e:

Qu Appelle posted:

One just sort of sat there like a space cadet half the time, and was really unobtrusive.

Oh Jesus I laughed at this. Probably because I do the same thing.

Angry Diplomat fucked around with this message at 15:05 on Dec 3, 2010

Effexxor
May 26, 2008

My big issue with my sex drive is that I have no patience with foreplay. I want 'wham bam thank you ma'am' and getting myself to slow down and enjoy is incredibly hard. And even worse, I'm a girl so I'm supposed to love that stuff.

TheGopher, I'm really bad on the cycles too. It's interesting to look at my records for how much I fundraise on a weekly basis at work, because you'll see every 2-3 months a little blip of a few weeks where I do awful. After I get that over with I do great. It's frustrating for everyone involved.

As for dealing with procrastination, write out a schedule. Tell yourself 'Okay, at 2:00 I will go to the laundromat. Tomorrow I will do (insert thing that needs to get done) at 11.' Knowing that you have a plan always helps me.

TheGopher
Sep 7, 2009

Effexxor posted:

My big issue with my sex drive is that I have no patience with foreplay. I want 'wham bam thank you ma'am' and getting myself to slow down and enjoy is incredibly hard. And even worse, I'm a girl so I'm supposed to love that stuff.

TheGopher, I'm really bad on the cycles too. It's interesting to look at my records for how much I fundraise on a weekly basis at work, because you'll see every 2-3 months a little blip of a few weeks where I do awful. After I get that over with I do great. It's frustrating for everyone involved.

As for dealing with procrastination, write out a schedule. Tell yourself 'Okay, at 2:00 I will go to the laundromat. Tomorrow I will do (insert thing that needs to get done) at 11.' Knowing that you have a plan always helps me.

My issue with procrastination is that I will tell myself, "OK, in 20 minutes I'm going to stop whatever I'm doing and go do dishes," and set a digital timer. After it goes off, I promptly ignore it and it turns into a snooze button game. Intellectually I know that if I deal with whatever I need to that very second it will improve my mental health later that day because there's no anxiety to do anything, but I just can't follow through!

I'm pulling out my unproductive cycle, but anything that throws off my rhythm, for instance being sick, makes me extra unproductive. I woke up this morning and was going to stop by the optometrist because I have some problems with my glasses I got recently, but I was super congested and decided not to while debating whether or not to call in sick again. I sucked it up and I'm at work now, but it was a hard decision.

SleepySonata
Mar 3, 2010
Rather than type up my scholarship essay I'm going to ask goons for help.

I was diagnosed early in my life, I'm 17 now and about to apply to colleges. my GPA is a shittastic 2.something or another or a 72% (I don't think its weighted) but I apparently scored some of the highest scores ever in my lovely NYC high school.

Any of you other ADD goons have advice on college. Vyvance is doing me good but my daily cycle basically amounts to nothing getting finished. I used to do work in-between classes, but have since resigned myself to frequent bouts of depression and frustration.

1.)So what can I do with a 1920 (or 1340 for scores that people actually care about)?
2.)I don't want to make it sound like a crutch but will mentioning I have ADHD predominantly inattentive type help while applying to college? (does academia give a flying gently caress?)
3.)Is turning on the balls of your heels and squatting to pick things up all that weird? Why do people hate efficiency?
4.)Is their any way to extend the affects of my :catdrugs: without taking more?

P.S. can all of you please move to one convenient location so we can be happily forgetful together?

Qu Appelle
Nov 3, 2005

"If a COVID-19 pandemic occurs, public health officials may have additional instructions, such as avoiding close contact with others as much as possible, and staying home if someone in your household is sick." - Official insights from Public Health: Seattle & King County staff

I feel you on the college thing.

I would absolutely discuss it with the colleges in question - ADHD is a recognized medical condition that causes learning disabilities, and they are required to accommodate that. However, they have to know about it in order to do that accommodation. It also shows that your erratic scores are due to said ADHD, as opposed to just slacking off and being a high school wasteoid :rock:

extraneousXTs
May 4, 2004

Qu Appelle posted:

I feel you on the college thing.

I would absolutely discuss it with the colleges in question - ADHD is a recognized medical condition that causes learning disabilities, and they are required to accommodate that. However, they have to know about it in order to do that accommodation. It also shows that your erratic scores are due to said ADHD, as opposed to just slacking off and being a high school wasteoid :rock:

They are required to make reasonable accommodations, and limits can be different depending on the individual disability services offices and the severity of the disability. Testing accommodations and classroom stuff to cut down on distractions is awesome, but ADA policy is not a free do-over card for disabled students (unless disability services accepts a document from your clinician granting you a free do-over card, you lucky poo poo).

SleepySonata, I would really go for enrolling at a community college to see if college would be something you can handle right now. There's the attitude that college is Adult Real World Practice Time and sink or swim, but sink or swim is for the non-ADHD kids and to hold yourself to their standards of success and failure, to expectations set up for the majority of teenage college freshmen, is a huge terrible, depressing mindfuck to set yourself up for.

Look at some of Barkley's speeches on ADHD.

You might be better off with a few years between high-school and college/university before you are really at the same place as your non-ADHD friends. Check out Page 16-17:

Dr. Russell Barkley posted:

Subtract 30 percent from their age and ask the question again. Age 16, what do you let people do in this state? [Drive.] All right, subtract 30 percent from their age. You just gave an 11-year-old an automobile. And you said be nice, follow the rules, pay attention, show self-control, and organize your driving. What would you expect to see if you gave 11-year-olds cars?
[...]
You have one of the few 18-year-old teens with AD/HD that wants to go to college, because very few of them will ever go to college, right? You’ve got one who does. You’re sending a 12-year-old to college. If that were true, what adjustments, what accommodations would need to be in place in a university environment for any 12-year-old to succeed in that environment? Would you send them to UCLA? With class sizes that run several thousand in the introductory freshman classes? Absolutely not. Very small college, very small classes, with a learning disabilities program and accommodations, so that you would be tailoring that environment to that individual with a smaller course load, hand-picked professors, a lot of assistance, curriculum, video tapes, study groups, other people there to assist them through the LD resource program, and twelve to fourteen kids in a class. You’re going to look for a very tiny liberal arts college that does a lot of LD accommodations, and then maybe this kid will get a college degree. You drop this kid into a state university, he will not finish that first semester.

Our research is informative, because it tells you what adjustments you need to make given the developmental lag that you’re dealing with. What I hear is, “He should be normal. He should be doing what those other kids are doing,” which of course is ridiculous. That’s like expecting a retarded child to act normal.

Academia is well suited to ADHD in some fields but academia's not giving a flying gently caress about ADHD and other acronyms is generally aimed at not caring about undergrads failing out due to any number of circumstances, disabled or not.

Being a 'pretty good for ADHD' C-student isn't really compelling without major back-up from letters of recommendation from teachers who coached you through challenges related to ADHD, and even then you're a really risky investment for picky schools and the unpicky schools will not be the best kinda environment for someone whose "daily cycle basically amounts to nothing getting finished".

Getting into somewhere you want to be and will thrive in will be much easier with better grades from a community college. Any failing experiences there not carrying over to your university transcripts will be a huge boon, and any letters of explanation/applications can show that you applied yourself after such-and-such high-school performance to become a stellar student who can and will thrive in that college's program, instead of being an ADHD teenager making their first stab at college academics relying on a letter of explanation citing their ADHD and the hope that they can keep their poo poo together against all odds with the good graces of an ADA compliant disabilities center.

Qu Appelle
Nov 3, 2005

"If a COVID-19 pandemic occurs, public health officials may have additional instructions, such as avoiding close contact with others as much as possible, and staying home if someone in your household is sick." - Official insights from Public Health: Seattle & King County staff

You make some good points about community colleges. I was also going to mention them, but I didn't know what type of colleges the poster had in mind; they might already be considering community colleges.

I wish I did my first two years at a community college instead of just jumping into University; I probably would have done a lot better and got a lot more out of the whole college experience.

Aculard
Oct 15, 2007

by Ozmaugh
Sleepysonata, I went to art college when I had graduated highschool months after turning 17. To say I was ill equipped for college life is a gross understatement. Living on your own with actual responsibilities concerning keeping your living space clean, your dishes done, the fridge stocked with some sort of edible food other than a bottle of barbeque sauce and getting to school where "I don't feel like going to class" has no ill effects until the end of semester...oh boy. I went insane and was misdiagnosed over and over again because of the high rate of depression and anxiety associated with students who were living away from home for the first time. Didn't help my parents trusted me so little with money they forced me to cosign a loan that they controlled completely to the point where they were refusing to send me money to cover anti depressants to stop me form being too suicidal because getting a government loan and a chunk of cash in my bank account all at once would be oo much responsibility for someone as lazy and dumb as me/you.

Sorry if that came out as a bit of personal venting but I was really turned off higher education, especially when it came to teachers not understanding that crying and saying you tried on the project and just couldn't power through isn't a cover up story for playing games and smoking weed all weekend or something. If you choose a school, try to schedule your classes so you're stuck at the school all day inbetween waiting for the next lecture to start so you can get your homework done. That's really saved my rear end a few times before. Also most colleges don't care about your grades unless it's highly technical - trades even less so :) You will probably do fine if you get into some good habits before you start going to college and join a support group in your area (or even online) to get tips on how to cope with certain problems that pop up; like the dishes never got done in my dorm unless I had nothing left to eat off of or until I finally got into the habit of washing them as I was cooking/preparing food.

personal rant: Been trying to get a disability application filled out by a doctor recently and I'm just hitting roadblock after roadblock. I have no family doctor despite signing up for one province wide service that connects people with doctors and calling local places. The walk in clinic can renew my meds sometimes and were nice enough to put me back on 20mg adderall xr (finally)after a lot of arm twisting but for fucks sake. It's so demeaning when the doctor looks me right in the eyes and tells me that I'm just "a bright young individual who shouldn't give up." I can't function! Because nobody in the walk in clinic can prescribe stimulants or even try non stimulant options because they require a family doctor to monitor! A pysch appointment is going to take at least 6 months to book which doesn't help me at all right now considering I'd have to visit him a few times a month to switch medications until we find one that works and end up burning a hole in what insignificant amount of money I earn struggling to write articles for websites that I need for rent - the whole point of getting on disability was to pay for rent and the bare minimum in groceries/bills until I was functional enough to work regularly!

Argh! I don't care if you want to put me on a regime of snorting pixie sticks with chasers of whiskey 3 times a day just throw me a bone and help me out with this poo poo! At least the one upside was the doctor was disappointed in the way my last doc treated me and agreed that putting someone on ritalin, then accusing them of being a drug addict when they want to switch back to adderall xr is pretty lovely.

edit :catdrugs: !!!

Aculard fucked around with this message at 07:41 on Dec 8, 2010

Qu Appelle
Nov 3, 2005

"If a COVID-19 pandemic occurs, public health officials may have additional instructions, such as avoiding close contact with others as much as possible, and staying home if someone in your household is sick." - Official insights from Public Health: Seattle & King County staff

Aculard posted:

Argh! I don't care if you want to put me on a regime of snorting pixie sticks with chasers of whiskey 3 times a day just throw me a bone and help me out with this poo poo! At least the one upside was the doctor was disappointed in the way my last doc treated me and agreed that putting someone on ritalin, then accusing them of being a drug addict when they want to switch back to adderall xr is pretty lovely.

I'm glad you found a doctor who gets it at least, and is willing to help. Hopefully you got their name, and can go back to seeing them as a GP/Family Doc. Having a good GP is invaluable.

Speaking of professionals who don't 'get it', all of this reminds me of a conversation I had a few years ago with a friend who was being a massive jerk at the time. We were both in IT/Software Design, and he wanted to know what I was doing to further my career.

"Nothing. Not a drat thing. I'm just coasting, and I'm OK with that."

He wasn't OK with that, but no matter how I explained it, he couldn't (or wouldn't) understand that I had basically enough brain power and energy to get up, go to work, do just enough to not get fired, go home, heat up a can of soup for dinner, and then play World of Warcraft until I went to bed. That was it. Then, I got an actual diagnosis.

Then I got some motherfucking :catdrugs:, and my world just completely changed. I have done more studying in the past year for Software Development/IT stuff than I have in literally the past decade before. (Of course, I'm unemployed now, but I'm spending my spare time job hunting and teaching myself JavaScript. And I haven't played WoW in almost three years.)

Socket Ryanist
Aug 30, 2004

Have any of you noticed that, while on your meds, you are more productive... but not on the thing you wanted to be productive on?

Whenever I take my dex I end up with a DJ mix about 2 hours later... when I was supposed to be cleaning my room or doing homework.

Aculard
Oct 15, 2007

by Ozmaugh

Socket Ryanist posted:

Have any of you noticed that, while on your meds, you are more productive... but not on the thing you wanted to be productive on?

Hells yeah I do that sometimes. I think really it's just you have to retrain yourself to sit down and do the work you're supposed to rather than hoping the drug will make homework or cleaning more fun than video games. I only take my medication in the morning before I start my writing for money job to prevent myself from getting up and wandering. IT also helps if you sort of use the medication as a reward, like if I make the bed and do dishes then I can eat my breakfast/lunch and take my pill.

Qu Appelle posted:

:catdrugs:

God I loving loved that emoticon. The doctor can't do much since the walk in clinic can't prescribe anything that my original psych or a new one wouldn't have written down as a recommendation, hence being on 20mg adderall xr instead of finding something else that works well with some anti anxieties and whatnot. Still searching for a GP and not giving up and becoming an alcoholic anytime soon.

In my case it was going to school and playing guildwars. Hell, last night when I went back on medication I wrote up 80$ worth of articles in a row and now I've made rent for the week so I don't have to poo poo myself with worry about it. gently caress yeah :catdrugs: !!! (I have also stopped playing guildwars for years)

Angry Diplomat
Nov 7, 2009

Winner of the TSR Memorial Award for Excellence In Grogging
Welp, after my two-week trial for Adderall, I went a week without to make sure I had a good idea of the differences. It was a thoroughly depressing, miserably unproductive week, and when I spoke to my doctor I ranted effusively about the awesome difference the medication made.

Today I picked up my newly re-prescribed :catdrugs: and went to work with amphetamines in my brain, and just in the nick of time: some contractor we work for managed a cataclysmic health & safety fuckup that seriously imperiled some of our workers, and after doing a fuckload of paperwork, I get to go out there and stomp around and scream until I'm red in the face. I never actually thought that the irritability side-effects of Adderall would help me at work! I guess I'm lucky to work in a position where it helps to be an rear end in a top hat sometimes :)

signalnoise
Mar 7, 2008

i was told my old av was distracting
So my university offers learning disability testing through the Regents' Center for Learning Disorders and hooooly poo poo do they want a lot of paperwork from me before they give me 8 hours of testing for 500 dollars. These guys are going to get a goddamn accordion file worth of childhood records and writing samples.

Qu Appelle posted:

He wasn't OK with that, but no matter how I explained it, he couldn't (or wouldn't) understand that I had basically enough brain power and energy to get up, go to work, do just enough to not get fired, go home, heat up a can of soup for dinner, and then play World of Warcraft until I went to bed. That was it. Then, I got an actual diagnosis.

Then I got some motherfucking :catdrugs:, and my world just completely changed. I have done more studying in the past year for Software Development/IT stuff than I have in literally the past decade before. (Of course, I'm unemployed now, but I'm spending my spare time job hunting and teaching myself JavaScript. And I haven't played WoW in almost three years.)

Man after I finally hit up a doctor and just got some drat wellbutrin all of a sudden my new career goal is to go ahead and aim for a doctorate and shoot for the top in academia, when just a few months ago I was like "I just want a loving job, man"

signalnoise fucked around with this message at 18:56 on Dec 8, 2010

Qu Appelle
Nov 3, 2005

"If a COVID-19 pandemic occurs, public health officials may have additional instructions, such as avoiding close contact with others as much as possible, and staying home if someone in your household is sick." - Official insights from Public Health: Seattle & King County staff

Aculard posted:

In my case it was going to school and playing guildwars. Hell, last night when I went back on medication I wrote up 80$ worth of articles in a row and now I've made rent for the week so I don't have to poo poo myself with worry about it. gently caress yeah :catdrugs: !!! (I have also stopped playing guildwars for years)

That's one of the reasons I'm hesitant to play video games - they'll suck me in, and the :catdrugs: will keep my attention focused on that, as opposed to what I originally set out to do. Re: playing Angry Birds on my phone for hours when I didn't set out to do so.

Also, the main thing that the :catdrugs: did was not only give me an attention span for the day-to-day work, but also allowed me to really sit back and reflect as to what I wanted to do for next few years career and lifewise. (I had been on Wellbutrin in the past, but it was such a low dose it basically kept me minimally functional, but that's it.)

Would you mind PMing me the web writing info? I'm currently unemployed, and this interests me. Thanks.

Qu Appelle fucked around with this message at 19:18 on Dec 8, 2010

Aculard
Oct 15, 2007

by Ozmaugh

signalnoise posted:

Man after I finally hit up a doctor and just got some drat wellbutrin all of a sudden my new career goal is to go ahead and aim for a doctorate and shoot for the top in academia, when just a few months ago I was like "I just want a loving job, man"

Oh god yeah, I used to tell my husband all I wanted to do was to be able to get up in the morning and do the dishes, make lunch and clean the apartment a bit without forgetting what I was doing to stare at the wall. Even putting out resumes was such a hassle because it'd take forever just to write one up, get it printed, put it in my bag where it'd get crushed by everything else, get turned down at interviews for having spotty work experiences, rinse and repeat....

Does wellbutrin help you a lot as an antidepressant? I'm stuck on adderall xr 20mg for now which isn't bad, but I still get some pretty bad waves of sadness/anxiety everyday for no reason, or way out of proportion to the reason that caused it. Wellbutrin is an SNRI and not a SSRI right?

Que Appelle I don't have PM but it was really just taken from this thread over in the business ask and tell section: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3284002 . The one I work for is demandstudios, and after getting the hang of what they're looking for and the level of effort needed it gets pretty easy. I really really love doing the welding/carpentry/electrical how to's which people don't seem to take very often so I always have a full queue to work from. If you want you can add me on AIM under the name citycobble and I can show you some of the work I've done as examples.

Aculard fucked around with this message at 19:22 on Dec 8, 2010

signalnoise
Mar 7, 2008

i was told my old av was distracting

Aculard posted:

Does wellbutrin help you a lot as an antidepressant? I'm stuck on adderall xr 20mg for now which isn't bad, but I still get some pretty bad waves of sadness/anxiety everyday for no reason, or way out of proportion to the reason that caused it. Wellbutrin is an SNRI and not a SSRI right?

I don't know what SNRI or SSRI means, I just started this stuff. Basically my experience over the past month has been this-

First week, every time I took it I got a burst of energy and focus. That doesn't happen anymore. However, my suicidal thoughts stopped. Like, I just stopped having them. It used to be that while doing my job, or driving, or whatever, I would just reflect on how worthless everything I was doing seemed.

I had this little problem solving matrix in my head that looked like this: If I do the things I am supposed to do to get ahead in life, I gently caress up. If I do the things I actually want to do, I get punished for it, so I have no way to be happy or successful. Killing myself would be a whole lot easier than enduring it anymore, but I won't do that because I have people who care about me that would be hurt, plus I would have to find some way to do it without leaving a mess. If I didn't have the network of people who cared about me that tied me down to where I was living, I would be able to just go ahead and flip that switch, but then again if no one cared where I was, I could go do whatever I want. So I don't know if I would actually kill myself if I didn't have anyone to disappoint, but either way that would be a relief.

That thought used to echo in my mind daily. One month later, I remember it, but I don't dwell on it anymore. I can think about the fact that I'm making progress. That's really where this new drive comes from. Instead of thinking I'm chained by financial slavery, I can say gently caress it and shoot for the stars. I'm smart enough for it anyway, and my professors say I would do well in academia based on the way I write.

On the other hand, I got a prescription for clonazepam to handle my anxiety problems when I get a serious wave of it. It's great for that, but now I am much more aware of when I have those feelings, since I have a way to shut them out. As a result, I am taking it more often than I thought I would, and in higher doses (taking .5mg instead of the .25mg I originally took). I don't want to build up a tolerance for an anxiety medication, and I don't want to have these anxiety attacks more often or something like that as a result of some kind of downer effect from not taking it.

Funny thing about my anxiety though is I only get anxiety attacks from feelings of failure. I just ruminate over things I could potentially gently caress up, be it test scores or whatever. In my experience, people who talk about having some anxiety to work though say they have problems with it in public speaking or something like that, but I'm the opposite. I get anxiety when I am alone with my thoughts, and I am great when it comes to public speaking.



I still need to see about getting this learning disorder poo poo handled though. The feeling of increased focus I had during those first few days with the wellbutrin were incredible. If I could have that much focus every day, I feel like I could make a ridiculous amount of progress in my life in a very short amount of time. Compared to how much I was able to get done in that short span of time compared to how I regularly feel, I am loving crippled. If that's what other people have normally, then just holy loving poo poo. I mean, if the level of focus I'm capable of is really that far below normal, that changes how I feel about a lot of things.

Sephiroth_IRA
Mar 31, 2010
After reading this thread (And getting back on my parents Health Care policy for another year, thanks Obama) I encouraged myself to go to the doctor and tell him what I was going through. I was aware that I had been diagnosed with ADHD as a child but I haven't been medicated since the 6th grade. According to my parents I was put on some medication when I was in elementary school but it caused me to be depressed. Then in middle school they only commented that they didn't see much of an improvement.

I did pretty well at school until HS. During class I could do my assignments if I knew the material and in middle school I apparently outclassed everyone in the entire county on the math end of grades. I was bumped to advanced classes in 7th grade instantly because of that. I had behavioral problems though and would often be sent to the principals office due to outburts or fights. I could never keep up with my homework (If I did it) could never keep up with school supplies, etc. However, I was always bumped to the next grade level due to very high test-scores.

When I hit High School, Game Over. Home-work was graded and the results of a single test grade wouldn't automatically put you in the next grade level. I dropped out at 16. Got my GED when I turned 18 (Easier than any of my middle school tests surprisingly) but I did poorly at community college due to the same issues. I worked a couple jobs, and struggled over little things.

Anyways, more of that later I guess.

Doctor prescribed 20mg of Adderall after having me take a test. I answered the test honestly but as a side not I was impressed how easy it was to get the prescription. Anyone could read just a little about ADHD/ADD and complain about being unable to concentrate and get a prescription.

First day was the best day ever. After a couple of days though the effect balanced out and my life improved dramatically.

Improvements:
1. Increased efficiency at work.

2. I seemed to gain the ability to stop myself in a situation where I would normally continue without considering whether or not I had absorbed the information. I realized I was a poo poo reader and that I assumed the meaning for a lot of words. I also realized a lot of other painfully obvious things about my study habits.

3. Anxiety is wayyy down. I used to have random chest pains. I was a bit skeptical of the doctors claims that my heart was fine and that anxiety was probably causing my pains and that Adderal may help. However, I realized that I was crazy anxious before I became medicated. Kinda related to my previous point but because I no longer feel anxious I can slow down and do a much better job at basically every task.

4. Reduced urge to procrastinate.

The only downside is the medication wears off and my body has become used to it. I skip weekends so I can get the best effect on Monday but by the time Thurs/Friday roll along the benefits have decreased. Overall I'm still better but I wish everyday could be Monday.

I'll also be starting night classes and weekend classes so I'm a bit worried about that. My doctor mentioned that if 30mg of Adderal (I was upped about a month ago) isn't enough he may try other drugs. I'm fine with this to a degree but I love Adderal and I wish I could just find a way to continue using it but keep the effects lasting longer.

So is it possible to be prescribed two different kinds of ADHD medication? It would be great if I could take something different one week or every other day so I can rebuild the necessary chemicals for the Adderal.

I'm guessing "No". I'll probably just attempt to skip my meds on Thurs/Fri/Sun (I won't have school these days) and just deal with the ADHD at work (Work slower, etc). Otherwise I may try other medications but I'd hope to be able to go back to 30mg of Adderal if I don't like the other ones.

Sephiroth_IRA fucked around with this message at 21:05 on Dec 8, 2010

Qu Appelle
Nov 3, 2005

"If a COVID-19 pandemic occurs, public health officials may have additional instructions, such as avoiding close contact with others as much as possible, and staying home if someone in your household is sick." - Official insights from Public Health: Seattle & King County staff

I don't know about taking different drugs simultaneously, but there are different formulations of the same drug. I know that some people do better with the short acting version of Adderall that only lasts a few hours but have to take multiple times a day, rather than one daily long-lasting pill that fades out over a long period.

And don't be discouraged if Adderall turns out not to be the perfect fit. It may turn out that you need something like Ritalin or Vyvanse instead. Or even a non-stimulant, like Strattera. ADHD really isn't a 'one size fits all' disorder, especially in terms of treating it.

Aculard
Oct 15, 2007

by Ozmaugh

signalnoise posted:

It used to be that while doing my job, or driving, or whatever, I would just reflect on how worthless everything I was doing seemed.

Killing myself would be a whole lot easier than enduring it anymore, but I won't do that because I have people who care about me that would be hurt, plus I would have to find some way to do it without leaving a mess.

:stare: Well gently caress. I am going to have to ask about getting on wellbutrin then since the walk in clinic doctors can at least prescribe that based on my assessment. Not having sudden thoughts of wanting to die for pretty much no reason is...it sounds pretty great actually.

Orange_Lazarus posted:

Adderall
It was actually really difficult for me to get an assessment for adhd, let alone start getting on medication/adjusting it. I don't have a family doctor though so that's a big factor.

I'm on the adderall extended release and you just take one pill in the morning. If you don't want to take high amounts of the instant release everyday get the tablets instead of capsules so you can break the 30mg into halves for 15's or in quarters for 7.5's. I find that the extended release works pretty well but the loss of appetite I have with it for so long is a bit concerning haha.

TheGopher
Sep 7, 2009
Doing better at work today. Past few weeks I've been procrastinating on doing anything hardcore, mostly talking on the phone which I don't really mind. For some reason I just can't make myself pick up the phone unless there's something that needs to get taken care of RIGHT NOW.

Got a ton of other e/n bullshit to whine about, but I'm really sick of my own poo poo. It's mostly just coping with a permanent existential/pessimistic outlook, and when you feel like nothing matters and everything's just going to go poorly in the end anyway, it's really hard to find greater purpose.


On an unrelated note, I was curious if people would be interested in abandoning this topic and creating a new one with a much better, regularly updated OP. A lot of people come in here and post a lot of the same questions. These questions do get answered, but we can all save ourselves some time and spend more time focusing (ha I said focus) on personal experiences rather than broad topics. Seems the Stofoleez hasn't posted on SA since August, and I don't even know when the last time he/she posted in this topic. Since I'm bringing it up, I'm happy to volunteer for the task, because even though I'm not posting in here as often as I used to, I'm always reading the newest posts. If somebody is really gung-ho and wants to take charge and do it, by all means go for it, let's just work out what we want to see in the OP and come up with a slightly clever name.

I'm thinking of more detailed information falling under three broader categories: General/What is ADHD, Getting Diagnosed/Treatment, and Day-to-day Coping and Strategies. Maybe there's something I'm missing, but that's what the rest of you are for, chiming in!

title: Ask us about ADHD if we can remember to post.

Then again, maybe you don't care and you like this topic better, post away!

signalnoise
Mar 7, 2008

i was told my old av was distracting

Aculard posted:

Not having sudden thoughts of wanting to die for pretty much no reason is...it sounds pretty great actually.

Yeah that one is kind of a bitch

SleepySonata
Mar 3, 2010

Orange_Lazarus posted:

I'm guessing "No". I'll probably just attempt to skip my meds on Thurs/Fri/Sun (I won't have school these days) and just deal with the ADHD at work (Work slower, etc). Otherwise I may try other medications but I'd hope to be able to go back to 30mg of Adderal if I don't like the other ones.

Actually I take 20mg of Vyvance and have a 5mg prescription of Adderal for the end of the day crash, I just try not to take it because my mother is convinced I'm a junky. so depending on if your doctor is like mine, and is willing-and-able to throw a pill at a problem it shouldn't be too hard to get multiple :catdrugs: prescriptions.

Thanks for the recommendations on community college, I'm actually already enrolled in the College Now program offered in my school and take Saturday psychology classes with Dr. Gruburg at Borough of Manhattan Community College. Said professor is actually willing to write me a letter of recommendation to any specific colleges I might want to go to. I can also get many of my High School teachers to write me up letters to help fluff-up my poor GPA.

From what I've heard from family, and experienced for myself, community college isn't going to hold my interest. Although I understand where you guys are coming from with the self accountability, I figure if I cannot motivate myself to do this I might as well sink.

Also I'd maybe PM a MOD about starting an ADHD Megathread, but it seems like a bitching idea.

Slaapaav
Mar 3, 2006

by Azathoth
:catdrugs: should help with college holding your interest.

Resident_Johnson
Jul 12, 2006
I hate regional jets.
Figured I'd join into the thread - haven't been on SA in a while. I was DX'd earlier this year with ADHD (inattentive sub-type). I'm in my early 30s, and actually a reasonably successful working professional, so it's proof that you can get by. It helps that (to be perfectly frank) I'm referred to as "scary smart" by a lot of people. I just suck at paying attention in meetings and focusing on work - I've been able to compensate up to a point, but some new challenges this year led me to diagnosis and treatment. That, and my wife was complaining about my inattentiveness at home.

A few comments for everyone on my experiences this year:

1) ADHD-like symptoms can be caused by other things as well - one of them most notably being poor quality of sleep. I went in for a sleep study this summer and discovered that from a brain activity perspective, I get a lousy night's sleep - I was basically getting 0 REM sleep, and zero "N3" (the deepest non-dreaming sleep). The root cause was mild oxygen deprivation - not full-on sleep apnea, but what they call "hypnopea", which is a moderate restriction of airflow sufficient to reduce blood oxygen. Treatment in my case is an oral appliance - it's a 2-piece mouthguard that's got fittings on it that are designed to mesh and push your jaw forward a little - this opens your airway. Seems to have helped. At least now I don't want to fall asleep every afternoon.

2) So far, I've been taking a non-pharmaceutical approach - it's a technique called neurobiofeedback. Basically, it's brain training in front of a computer by playing games. You wear a helmet with electrodes that generate an EEG. When the electrodes detect brain wave frequencies associated with focus and attention, it provides you some kind of feedback in a game. One provider's hardware interfaces with a PlayStation - imagine playing Gran Turismo and not being able to accelerate unless you get your brain into the focused state. It takes a while (30-40 sessions with a psychologist) and it's not cheap (insurance won't pay unless you've got some other comorbid condition that you can have the psych also treating you for). The benefit is that if it works right for you, you don't need meds. Ever. It basically re-wires your brain. :eng101:

3) Because #2 is pretty slow (I'm almost 20 sessions in), you can do medication in conjunction with it. I'm going to hopefully be getting an Rx for something soon. It doesn't speed the permanent results of neurobiofeedback, but it doesn't interfere with the treatment regimen.

Qu Appelle
Nov 3, 2005

"If a COVID-19 pandemic occurs, public health officials may have additional instructions, such as avoiding close contact with others as much as possible, and staying home if someone in your household is sick." - Official insights from Public Health: Seattle & King County staff

TheGopher posted:

I'm thinking of more detailed information falling under three broader categories: General/What is ADHD, Getting Diagnosed/Treatment, and Day-to-day Coping and Strategies. Maybe there's something I'm missing, but that's what the rest of you are for, chiming in!

title: Ask us about ADHD if we can remember to post.

Then again, maybe you don't care and you like this topic better, post away!

I think that'd be a great idea.

Sephiroth_IRA
Mar 31, 2010
Wow, now I'm considering having a sleep study done. I have a deviated septum which only allows me to breathe out of one nostril. I'm not sure how this affects my sleep but sometimes during the day it's really irritating and I feel like my breathing quality is bad overall.

I've already scheduled an appointment with a nose/throat specialist (I've only recently acquired insurance) but I'll look for a sleep specialist soon. I would like to know "how well" I sleep regardless just to have some peace of mind.

quote:

2) So far, I've been taking a non-pharmaceutical approach - it's a technique called neurobiofeedback. Basically, it's brain training in front of a computer by playing games. You wear a helmet with electrodes that generate an EEG. When the electrodes detect brain wave frequencies associated with focus and attention, it provides you some kind of feedback in a game. One provider's hardware interfaces with a PlayStation - imagine playing Gran Turismo and not being able to accelerate unless you get your brain into the focused state. It takes a while (30-40 sessions with a psychologist) and it's not cheap (insurance won't pay unless you've got some other comorbid condition that you can have the psych also treating you for). The benefit is that if it works right for you, you don't need meds. Ever. It basically re-wires your brain.

Heh. I've heard this mentioned before and I'm interested. How much does it cost you? Does your insurance cover anything?

Sephiroth_IRA fucked around with this message at 21:38 on Dec 9, 2010

ultrafilter
Aug 23, 2007

It's okay if you have any questions.


A couple new press releases today, and it's a mixed bag.

UCLA researchers find that Medicaid-funded ADHD treatment for children is failing:

quote:

Whatever its final incarnation, the recently enacted landmark Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act will expand Medicaid eligibility and is expected by 2013 to provide coverage, including mental health care, to an estimated 4.1 million children currently uninsured.

That's a good thing. But what will the quality of care be, especially for vulnerable children with special health care needs? Poor, according to a new report in the current online edition of the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.

In cooperation with LA Care, one of the nation's largest public health plans, and the Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health (DMH), UCLA researchers looked at how well one of the most vulnerable groups of young patients were faring in the managed-care Medicaid system — children with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD.

Led by Dr. Bonnie Zima, a UCLA professor of psychiatry, the researchers sought to compare how children diagnosed with ADHD under Medicaid fared in primary care (treatment by pediatricians and family medicine physicians) versus in specialty mental health clinics. Their goal was to compare both the nature of care and the end result.

The researchers found:
  • The clinical severity of ADHD did not differ among children in primary care or specialty mental health care.
  • There was little cross-over of children between the two sectors. If a child began treatment only in primary care, he or she had no contact with specialty mental health; the same pattern held true for children who were initially receiving care in specialty mental health. This prevented the two specialty areas from coordinating care.
  • In primary care, most children with ADHD were appropriately prescribed stimulant medication to help their symptoms (the standard of care) but averaged only one to two follow-up visits a year with their doctor.
  • In specialty mental health clinics, less than one-third of children received any stimulant medication, but they received psychosocial interventions, such as therapy and/or case management, averaging five or more visits per month.
  • Overall, in both primary and specialty mental health care, about one-third of children with ADHD and impairment dropped out of care. Over time, the drop-out rate for children served in primary care clinics reached 50 percent.
  • In both primary and specialty care, more than one-third of children prescribed stimulant medication failed to continue taking medication.
  • Most tellingly, clinical outcomes such, as ADHD symptoms, functioning, academic achievement, parent distress, perceived benefit of treatment, and improved family functioning, were similar among children who remained in care and children who received no care at all.
The researchers used data supplied by LA Care and the DMH to look at the care of 530 children diagnosed with ADHD, a condition marked by excessive activity (hyperactivity), impulsivity and difficulties with focusing attention. The children, ages 5 to 11, received treatment in primary care or specialty mental health clinics from November 2004 through September 2006.

The investigators developed their data using a set of longitudinal analyses drawn from Medicaid service and pharmacy claims data, parent and child interviews, and school records to characterize the mental health care and clinical outcomes of children across three six-month time intervals.

"With the support of National Institute of Mental Health research funds, we were able to link the agency's databases," Zima said. "This was a great example of a partnership between our health service research center here at UCLA and agency leaders at both the county and state level."

Quality was poor in both the primary care and specialty care sectors, Zima said, but for different reasons. Children in primary care received predominantly medication treatment, and one-quarter of the children had been prescribed a stimulant plus another type of psychotropic medication. Yet because follow-up visits were negligible, averaging one to two per year, there was little opportunity to monitor medication safety.

In contrast, almost all children in specialty mental health clinics received some type of psychosocial intervention, such as therapy and/or case management, with an average of about five visits per month. Less than one-third of these children had at least one stimulant medication prescription filled.

In both sectors, documentation of behavior therapy or parent training was missing in the agency databases.

"Despite these substantial differences in treatment and service-use intensity, the children we studied remained symptomatic over time, whether or not they were in care," Zima said.

Findings from this study identified several areas for quality improvement for ADHD care, including a better alignment of the child's clinical severity with provider type, a greater number of follow-up visits, the use of stimulant medication in specialty mental health clinics, help for children to stay on their medications, and better agency data systems to document the delivery of recommended care and patient outcomes.

With ADHD representing one of the most common mental health disorders — it affects 3 to 10 percent of children in the U.S. — improvement in care is critical, according to Zima.

"The quality of care for ADHD is of high public health significance because it is the most common childhood psychiatric disorder, has established treatment, and can persist into adolescence and adulthood with devastating long-term consequences," Zima said.

###

The study was funded by the National Institute of Mental Health. Other authors included Regina Bussing, Lingqi Tang, Lily Zhang, Susan Ettner, Thomas R. Belin and Kenneth B. Wells. The authors report no conflict of interest.

The UCLA Department of Psychiatry and Biobehavioral Sciences is the home within the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA for faculty who are experts in the origins and treatment of disorders of complex human behavior. The department is part of the Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior at UCLA, a world-leading interdisciplinary research and education institute devoted to the understanding of complex human behavior and the causes and consequences of neuropsychiatric disorders.

For more news, visit the UCLA Newsroom and follow us on Twitter.

Computer-based program may help relieve some ADHD symptoms in children:

quote:

COLUMBUS, Ohio – An intensive, five-week working memory training program shows promise in relieving some of the symptoms of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in children, a new study suggests.

Researchers found significant changes for students who completed the program in areas such as attention, ADHD symptoms, planning and organization, initiating tasks, and working memory.

"This program really seemed to make a difference for many of the children with ADHD," said Steven Beck, co-author of the study an associate professor of psychology at Ohio State University.

"It is not going to replace medication, but it could be a useful complementary therapy."

Beck conducted the study with Christine Hanson and Synthia Puffenberger, graduate students in psychology at Ohio State. Their findings are published in the November/December 2010 issue of the Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology.

The researchers tested software developed by a Swedish company called Cogmed, in conjunction with the Karolinska Institute, a medical university in Stockholm.

The software is designed to improve one of the major deficiencies found in people with ADHD – working memory.

Working memory is the ability to hold onto information long enough to achieve a goal. For example, you have to remember a phone number long enough for you to dial it. Students have to remember the passage of a book they just read, in order to understand what they're currently reading.

"Working memory is critical in everyday life, and certainly for academic success, but it is one of the things that is very difficult for children with ADHD," Hanson said.

The study involved 52 students, aged 7 to 17, who attended a private school in Columbus that serves children with learning disabilities, many of whom also have an ADHD diagnoses. All the children used the software in their homes, under the supervision of their parents and the researchers.

The software includes a set of 25 exercises that students had to complete within 5 to 6 weeks. Each session is 30 to 40 minutes long. The exercises are in a computer-game format and are designed to help students improve their working memory. For example, in one exercise a robot will speak numbers in a certain order, and the student has to click on the numbers the robot spoke, on the computer screen, in the opposite order.

"At first the kids love it, because it is like a game," Puffenberger said. "But the software has an algorithm built in that makes the exercises harder as the students get better. So the children are always challenged."

Half the students participated at the beginning of the study. The other half were wait-listed, and completed the software program after the others were finished.

Parents and teachers of the participating students completed measures of the children's ADHD symptoms and working memory before the intervention, one month after treatment, and four months after treatment.

Results showed that parents generally rated their children as improving on inattention, overall number of ADHD symptoms, working memory, planning and organization and in initiating tasks. These changes were evident both immediately after treatment and four months later.

On individual measures, between one-fourth and one-third of the children showed clinically significant progress – in other words, enough progress to be easily visible to their parents.

The teacher ratings, while pointed in the direction of improvement, were not strong enough to be statistically significant in this study. That's not surprising, Beck said, because very few treatment studies ever find significance among teacher measures.

"Teachers only see the kids for a few hours a day and they are dealing with a lot of other children at the same time. It would be difficult for them to see changes," Beck said.

Beck said this is the first published study they know of testing this software in the United States. One of the strengths of the study is that it used a very typical sample of children with ADHD – other studies in Sweden had excluded children who were on medication.

"Most kids with ADHD are on some kind of medication, so it helps to know how this intervention works in these cases," he said.

In this sample, 60 percent of the students were on medication. The results showed the program was equally effective regardless of whether they were on medication or not.

"Medication for ADHD does not help directly with working memory, and the training program does, so it can be useful," Beck said.

"One of the encouraging findings is that parents reported even ADHD symptoms improved after the program, and that isn't the focus. This program is focused on improving working memory."

Beck said they can't say for sure how the program works to help kids with ADHD. But it seems that children are learning how to focus and how to use their working memory on everyday tasks, and they are able to use that knowledge at school and home.

One possible criticism of the study could be that it relies on parental reports, and the parents may be biased.

"That's true, but it is also the parents who are observing the kids day in and day out, and they are the ones who would be most likely to observe any changes that occur," Beck said.

The researchers plan on extending the work by using more objective measures of children's progress after using the program.

###

Two other co-authors of the study were William Benninger, an adjunct assistant professor of psychology at Ohio State, and Kristen Benninger, a medical student at the University of Toledo

Beck, Hanson and Puffenberger have no financial interest in the company that makes the software. William Benninger does have an interest, but was not involved in the collection of the data.

I've heard good things about Cogmed before, but I'm not sure that there's quite enough evidence to include it in regular treatment. Still, it's worth looking into for anyone who can afford it.

Effexxor
May 26, 2008

signalnoise posted:

However, my suicidal thoughts stopped. Like, I just stopped having them. It used to be that while doing my job, or driving, or whatever, I would just reflect on how worthless everything I was doing seemed.

I had this little problem solving matrix in my head that looked like this: If I do the things I am supposed to do to get ahead in life, I gently caress up. If I do the things I actually want to do, I get punished for it, so I have no way to be happy or successful. Killing myself would be a whole lot easier than enduring it anymore, but I won't do that because I have people who care about me that would be hurt, plus I would have to find some way to do it without leaving a mess. If I didn't have the network of people who cared about me that tied me down to where I was living, I would be able to just go ahead and flip that switch, but then again if no one cared where I was, I could go do whatever I want. So I don't know if I would actually kill myself if I didn't have anyone to disappoint, but either way that would be a relief.

That thought used to echo in my mind daily. One month later, I remember it, but I don't dwell on it anymore. I can think about the fact that I'm making progress. That's really where this new drive comes from. Instead of thinking I'm chained by financial slavery, I can say gently caress it and shoot for the stars. I'm smart enough for it anyway, and my professors say I would do well in academia based on the way I write.

On the other hand, I got a prescription for clonazepam to handle my anxiety problems when I get a serious wave of it. It's great for that, but now I am much more aware of when I have those feelings, since I have a way to shut them out. As a result, I am taking it more often than I thought I would, and in higher doses (taking .5mg instead of the .25mg I originally took). I don't want to build up a tolerance for an anxiety medication, and I don't want to have these anxiety attacks more often or something like that as a result of some kind of downer effect from not taking it.

Funny thing about my anxiety though is I only get anxiety attacks from feelings of failure. I just ruminate over things I could potentially gently caress up, be it test scores or whatever. In my experience, people who talk about having some anxiety to work though say they have problems with it in public speaking or something like that, but I'm the opposite. I get anxiety when I am alone with my thoughts, and I am great when it comes to public speaking.

It never fails to freak me out when someone in this posts what is exactly my life. I had gotten to the point where I just accepted that I was going to be suicidal for the rest of my life. It wasn't necessarily that I was miserable or even depressed, but that I never felt good enough or even worthy. I'd just get this thought that I wanted to blow my brains out and it was so normal and usual. Hell, those thoughts are why I will never touch a gun, and if my fire arm instructor boyfriend has them, he's been ordered to never tell me where they are, what they are and to keep them locked up and never tell me where the key is, it would just be too easy.

Cognitive behavioral therapy has helped me out an incredible amount. My psychiatrist prescribed me Xanax for the insane tension headaches I was getting, but my psychologist basically pushed me to do the CBT method first, and to then take the Xanax if I didn't feel better after 10 minutes. It worked so incredibly fast that I haven't taken a xanax in months. That being said, I've been doing this really mentally toxic thing where I have a flashback to something I did in the past that was embarrasing or that I was a waste of life. I've even started to tic when it happens, I shove all of the air out of my lungs and arch my back.

It's awful. I don't need to be thinking about times where I was bad, it's toxic and it's not fair to me. People with ADHD are almost always guilty about themselves. We're the first ones to put ourselves down and see ourselves as complete failures when that's just not the truth. I have to say though, when I remind myself about all of that, I feel better. The next time it happens, I calm down even faster. With the right tools, it's so much easier to live your life and be happy.

Edit: Also, I like the idea about a new thread with a detailed OP. We have to recommended Delivered From Distraction though, that seems like the answer to just about every 'new' person in the thread.

Effexxor fucked around with this message at 22:42 on Dec 9, 2010

Qu Appelle
Nov 3, 2005

"If a COVID-19 pandemic occurs, public health officials may have additional instructions, such as avoiding close contact with others as much as possible, and staying home if someone in your household is sick." - Official insights from Public Health: Seattle & King County staff

It's so sad to hear of other's suicidal thoughts - I just want to give you all a hug :glomp:

I had the suicidal 'back of the head' thought thing myself, and I think mine started when the Wellbutrin stopped being effective. It's weird to wake up, and have the very first thought that pops into your head be 'I want to die'. Kinda puts a damper on the whole day. For a while, I'd set 'deadlines' for the suicidal thoughts, and I'd constantly change them once that deadline' passed'. E.g. 'I can't kill myself yet, the Turisas show is coming up and I really like them'. Or, 'I can't kill myself yet, because then I'd never find out if Obama won the Presidency.'. I had that going on for a couple of years, and it became such a constant, low level presence that I had no idea that it wasn't normal. And it's such a destructive way of thinking, and in my case the thoughts would just pop into my head completely unbidden.

However, with my latest drug twist, they have completely disappeared. I started the Dex (which I'm having some spastic problems with, but whatever), and also got my Vitamin D levels checked, and it turned out that I was quite deficient - so I'm also on a supplement for that. It's such a relief to wake up and have a calm head for once. (That, and a fair bit of exercise - in fact, I'm going to head back out to bask in the last 20 minutes of daylight. Yes, it's dark by 4pm here, gently caress you too, Seattle. OH, AND IT JUST STARTED RAINING AGAIN ffffffuuuu :argh: )

Qu Appelle fucked around with this message at 00:32 on Dec 10, 2010

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signalnoise
Mar 7, 2008

i was told my old av was distracting
Gotta admit it is cool to know that other people have the "Yeah I have suicidal thoughts constantly but I don't actually want to kill myself what of it" thing. It's really a weird phenomenon to me, having suicidal thoughts by compulsion or whatever. It's like the "don't think of a pink elephant" trick only as "don't think of killing yourself."

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