Riosan posted:

Ok so he did actually get hit in the face, maybe he recognized that he shouldn't argue about religion with drunk

Yeah we're total bros now but I just like to remind people that he hit me and he's totally a Christian and hypocrisy and

Normal people realized he was being a dramatic idiot and needs to stop acting the victim, but let's see what r/atheism thinks

A Buttery Pastry posted:

I'm unsure as to how this is shit_that_didnt_happen.txt, or why this guy isn't a victim? Just because you're an rear end* doesn't give people the right to punch you in the face.

*If he was an rear end, so was his friend.

Daikatana Ritsu posted:

khwarezm posted:

Yeah that's a lousy example, can we at least just have poo poo that, you know, didn't happen?

Seattle Craigslist posted:

I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of poo poo. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

ol qwerty bastard posted:

Best girlfriend revenge SDTH.txt:

ol qwerty bastard posted:

Best girlfriend revenge SDTH.txt:

ol qwerty bastard posted:

Best girlfriend revenge SDTH.txt:

AlternatePFG posted:

This is no way that dude isn't an MRA.

"She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up."

ol qwerty bastard posted:

Best girlfriend revenge SDTH.txt:

AlternatePFG posted:

This is no way that dude isn't an MRA.

"She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up."

DrManiac posted:

But I guess if he did that he couldn't lead her on and gently caress her.

quote:

I was in class and was assigned to a group of three black girls. I wasn't feeling very enthusiastic about the lame assignment, and just sat down without saying anything. The girls turned to me and started asking why I "don't want to be with the black group" several times. I knew they were joking, so I "agreed" and asked if anyone had any rope.

Yeah.

The girls flip out, the whole class pounces on me, and I get pretty pissed and leave. I should have said sorry instantly, but the fact that they were able to say all that and as soon as I say something(although mine was a bit worse in degree) everyone starts getting mad at me. It was kinda surprising because I am generally very well-liked in this class.

Later that day, I tried to call the girl to apologize, but the fax machine at her house kept picking up, so I couldn't get through. So I will have to wait until tomorrow to apologize to her.

DrManiac posted:

"Gee I wonder why everyone got mad at me when I implied I would rather kill myself than work with black people "

Nckdictator posted:

Guess which part is the poo poo that didn't happen!

Nckdictator posted:

Guess which part is the poo poo that didn't happen! " I am generally very well-liked in this class."

DrManiac posted:

"Gee I wonder why everyone got mad at me when I implied I would rather kill myself than work with black people "

Nckdictator posted:

Guess which part is the poo poo that didn't happen! " I am generally very well-liked in this class."

quote:

Walking up to the polling location, I passed several people who were passing out literature just outside of the 100 foot restricted area. Most of them were republican supporters. I kindly denied the lit. saying I already knew who I was voting for. One older guy in his mid 40's was holding a handful of pamphlets for McCain/Palin and started to offer one to me. He must have noticed the shirt I was wearing because he quickly withdrew his offer and gave me a rude look.

On the way out I passed him again with a big smile on my face. He said "Didn't your parents teach you about being an American?" as I walked past him. I turned around and smiled at him and wished him the best of luck. As I did this a group of about 10 people standing off to the side cheered and applauded as I unzipped my hoodie and showed off my Obama shirt.

khwarezm posted:

The Political Cartoonist Ted Rall is a loving goldmine for poo poo that didn't happen, this is a panel from his autobiography (which of course he got someone else to draw since he can't hold a pencil without making everyone look like hitler drawn by a crab).



He then explains how he became a high class male prostitute after becoming unemployed before becoming an icon of the American left.

I AM THE LAW posted:

This is even more funny if you know what Ted Rall looks like.

quote:

Couple of 14-year-old girls get on the bus with popsicles and sit a couple of seats behind me. After slurping for a minute or two, one of them busts out with "these things are great for practicing blowjobs."



You know, it's hard enough keeping the reptilian brain at bay without hearing stuff like that.

quote:

The other night my friend had some pot and wanted me to smoke it with him, but we had nowhere to smoke it because both our parents were home. So we drove around looking for a place to park so we could smoke in the car. We eventually settled on a Wendys parking lot. We were just desperate and that was the first place to pull off.. So we park in the back of the parking lot under this tree, and it's dark out, so we figure we're secluded enough. We start to light up and a cop pulls in. So we both sit really still and hope the cop will think the car is empty and just parked there. Or that he won't notice. The cop circles the parking lot once, then parks behind us and we're both freaking out. So Bobby, my friend, takes all the pot and shoves it in the glove compartment. But the car smells like pot, so we figure we're busted. So Bobby says we've gotta distract the cop from the pot. In a huge flash, he rips his shirt off, undoes my pants and sticks his hand inside. Before I can process what's happening, the cop knocks on my window. Then he looks in and sees Bobby shirtless, with his hand down my pants and turns bright red. I roll my window down and the cop says in this really flustered voice, his face bright red, "you guys be good now" and walks quickly back to his car and drives off. He didn't even notice the smell of pot. We drove home in the most uncomfortable loving silence ever

quote:

<DeadMansHand> haha, last night, me and pete went out to celebrate his engagement and got hugely drunk
<DeadMansHand> we got this great idea to bury eachother in the sand close to the water and see who would chicken out first
<DeadMansHand> took about a half hour, but the water got up to my face so i freaked and got out
<DeadMansHand> i looked around for pete and he must've chickened out before me and stumbled home or something heh
<DeadMansHand> What'd he say when he woke up this morning?
<Thirteen-> uhh.. he hasn't come home yet.. i thought he was staying with you?
<DeadMansHand> holy gently caress.
<DeadMansHand> i loving hope im wrong about what im thinking right now
<DeadMansHand> im loving going back to the beach to make sure
<DeadMansHand> if he gets home, call me, i don't want to be worrying about this
<Thirteen-> will do. you better hope he's not still buried, you'll be in deep poo poo.
quit: (DeadMansHand)
<Tyran> wtf? pete came home last night you gently caress. Ken's going to be worrying about this poo poo all day
<Thirteen-> haha yea, but it will be fun while it lasts
join: (PeteRepeat) (bob@3F8C4655.11D1C8C.18637D35.IP)
<PeteRepeat> loving ken
<PeteRepeat> ken... that fucker buried me in the sand last night, i ran off about 5 minutes to it, left him there to be an idiot
<quiqsilver> pete, ken didn't come back last night, i thought he was with you.
<PeteRepeat> oh gently caress.
<PeteRepeat> if ken shows up, make sure he doesn't know that im at the beach digging for his body. i don't want him to think i care or anything.
quit: (PeteRepeat)
<Thirteen-> rofl. Those 2 are going to get a huge surprise when they meet at the beach.
<Tyran> i can't beleive how perfect their timing was

quote:

I helped the EMTs at a car wreck and got blood all over my arms and shirt. It looked like I murdered 20 people with a fork... anyway, I walked into a convieniance store down the street and said my girlfriend needs a tampon. The guy at the counter was mortified.

quote:

<kylev> some girl just came onto our floor
<kylev> and was yelling "sexual favors for anyone who does my sociology paper"
<kylev> i just asked her what the paper was about
<kylev> and she said the accomplishments and growth of feminism

quote:

at my school.. the cop from DARE passed around 3 joints to show everyone... and he said "if i dont get all three of these back this schools getting locked down and everyones getting searched till i find it.." and like 30 minutes later when everyone got to see 'em and they got passed back the cop had 4

quote:

gentoogod: omg dude
gentoogod: today i might the stupidest 3 people i ever met
gentoogod: thier 3 brains combined couldnt solve the dilemma they faced today
siral21: what was it
gentoogod: ok before i say this
gentoogod: 100% true, not one second of a lie
gentoogod: this lady went into mcdonalds today and ordered a big mac for her
gentoogod: and ordered 2 mcgrittles one for each kid. one had bacon one without
gentoogod: her sons are around 18 or 19 so not infants
gentoogod: she went to the counter furious cause the son that wanted bacon has no bacon on his and the one that didnt want bacon has bacon on his
gentoogod: i fell on the floor beside her and couldnt stop laughing
gentoogod: so i finally stood up and asked her to repeat, thinking maybe shes drunk
gentoogod: i swear to god she looked at me straight faced and repeated it. and her 2 sons were beside her mad that they didnt get the order they wanted

ol qwerty bastard posted:

Best girlfriend revenge SDTH.txt:

I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs.

Seattle Craigslist posted:

Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

Nckdictator posted:

Can't think of anything witty to put here other then

Politicalrancor posted:

that last bash one is fake because they don't serve big macs and mcgriddles at the same time

Senior Woodchuck posted:

Also because it's from loving bash.org.