ASoIaF: A Song of Ice and Fire: George Rail Road Martin

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Thulsa Doom: Jun 20, 2011; Ezekiel 23:20

I heard that little spit of land in the corner of the map is a whole other zone and you can get there if you can find three Horns of Joramun.

# ? Aug 20, 2012 02:22

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# ? May 15, 2024 15:48

whoflungpoop: Sep 9, 2004; With you and the constellations

You'll need Lollys and a hundred hungry peasants to open the Secret Cow Level.

# ? Aug 20, 2012 02:31

Hedrigall: Mar 27, 2008; by vyelkin

Why are you guys trying to write the Westerosi 50 Shades of Grey when you could be writing the Westerosi Feuchtgebiete?

Wikipedia posted:

Set in an anonymous German city, Feuchtgebiete is told by 18 year-old Helen Memel, a schoolgirl who spends some days in the proctological ward of a hospital to be treated for anal fissure caused by the careless shaving of her anal hair. Deep at heart Helen is lonely and bored, and has been so since the breakup of her parents' marriage. Her secret plan is to reunite her father and mother by having them visit her at the same time. However, her parents seem to have little interest in their daughter's well-being and show up only occasionally, only for short periods of time, and at different hours. When she learns that her surgery, which included the removal of haemorrhoids, has been successful and she is going to be released soon, she desperately looks for means to prolong her hospital stay.

She secretly rams the pedal of her hospital bed into her anus and immediate emergency surgery has to be carried out to prevent extreme blood loss.

...

Helen has an unusual relationship to her body. She abhors personal hygiene and enjoys many of the bodily fluids which are secreted or excreted from it, be it mucus, pus, earwax, smegma, blood (including menstrual blood), sweat, or tears, but also men's sperm, all of which she "recycles" by putting them into her mouth and swallowing them. She loves to attract potential sexual partners by parading, underneath her dress, her unwashed vulva and the smells emanating from it.

# ? Aug 20, 2012 06:24

Urdnot Fire: Feb 13, 2012

Hedrigall posted:

Why are you guys trying to write the Westerosi 50 Shades of Grey when you could be writing the Westerosi Feuchtgebiete?

That's pretty Gurmy all right, but it's no New York Times Best Seller :colbert:

Speaking of which, The Legend of Zelda: Hyrule Historia has overtaken 50 Shades in the Amazon best seller list, people. If this is gonna be popular, it'll have to finish up quickly. The craze is dying

# ? Aug 20, 2012 06:48

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

There will be sequels. Don't worry. There's plenty of smut for everybody.

# ? Aug 20, 2012 15:03

Fatkraken: Jun 23, 2005; Fun-time is over.

Urdnot Fire posted:

That's pretty Gurmy all right, but it's no New York Times Best Seller

It was apparently the best selling novel on the PLANET for part of 2008.

also,

quote:

The title, which might be translated as "wetlands" or "damp areas," here refers to a woman's genitals

Myrish Swamp.

# ? Aug 20, 2012 15:27

Shageletic: Jul 25, 2007

Germans sure love their rear end play.

Anyway, I was on the subway today when I perchanced to notice the guy next to me reading Clash of Kings. I wanted to lean over, and breath into his ear, "After three books, the only notable thing Dany does is poo poo in a field."

# ? Aug 20, 2012 16:28

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

Shageletic posted:

Germans sure love their rear end play.

But not nearly as much as the French love fisting. Seriously. It's amazing how totally into fisting they are.

# ? Aug 20, 2012 16:35

Robot_Z: Jun 30, 2011; All this time I
thought it was normal; Clever Betty

This is not a derail. From the rear end-fisting discussion and whatnot on Dany's field poo. I just want to say; I am going to buy this book and get many a shameful boner.

Thank you all. :3:

# ? Aug 20, 2012 16:52

Shageletic: Jul 25, 2007

A Glistening Hodor posted:

But not nearly as much as the French love fisting. Seriously. It's amazing how totally into fisting they are.

Libert�, �galit�, poing

quote:

This is not a derail. From the rear end-fisting discussion and whatnot on Dany's field poo. I just want to say; I am going to buy this book and get many a shameful boner.

Thank you all.

Then you and the fools who made it are like its only market. This is the most in jokey thing ever created on the internet, the creator of in jokes. loving WILDCARDS is the last line in it for godssakes!

# ? Aug 20, 2012 17:01

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

Yeah man. Who would buy an unedited copy-paste job of a twilight fanfic that has more spelling errors than unique words?

I mean, come on!

# ? Aug 20, 2012 17:06

Shageletic: Jul 25, 2007

Yeah! I mean SERIOUSLY!!

What are we yelling about?

# ? Aug 20, 2012 17:10

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

Shageletic posted:

Yeah! I mean SERIOUSLY!!

What are we yelling about?

How rich we're going to be. As rich as Lassiters. More gold than Assterly Rock.

# ? Aug 20, 2012 17:31

Shageletic: Jul 25, 2007

I'm going to rock my Casterly Cock. I'm also going to buy that money tower from Ducktales and suffer a traumatic concussion as I dive into a pile of nickels and coin dollars.

# ? Aug 20, 2012 17:44

IRQ: Sep 9, 2001; SUCK A DICK, DUMBSHITS!

I can't wait to have a solid gold toilet. Who's with me?

# ? Aug 20, 2012 21:08

Thulsa Doom: Jun 20, 2011; Ezekiel 23:20

If it's solid, where will the poop go?

# ? Aug 20, 2012 21:09

thornghost: Oct 11, 2010; I have a picture of me with GRRM. He looks less than enthused.

I'm gonna buy a hooker and then dip her in gold so she stays pretty foreverrr

# ? Aug 20, 2012 21:10

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

I'm gonna buy a Japanese man and two white women, sew them together mouth to rear end in a top hat, and continuously force feed the first one lemoncakes.

# ? Aug 20, 2012 21:14

IRQ: Sep 9, 2001; SUCK A DICK, DUMBSHITS!

Ambiguatron posted:

If it's solid, where will the poop go?

Think of it like a litter box. :catstare:

And now you know Ty's true purpose.

# ? Aug 20, 2012 21:44

Thulsa Doom: Jun 20, 2011; Ezekiel 23:20

Wait, you can buy white women?

# ? Aug 20, 2012 21:52

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

Ambiguatron posted:

Wait, you can buy white women?

You can buy ANYTHING in the former soviet union and southeast Asia.

# ? Aug 20, 2012 21:57

Thulsa Doom: Jun 20, 2011; Ezekiel 23:20

Can I buy love?

Oh, wait, I already asked that.

Can I buy an attack helicopter? I've always wanted one of those.

# ? Aug 20, 2012 21:58

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

Ambiguatron posted:

Can I buy love?

Oh, wait, I already asked that.

Can I buy an attack helicopter? I've always wanted one of those.

Are you making GBS threads me? Dream bigger. This is Russia we're talking about. You can buy attack choppers full of nuclear weaponry and mail-order brides.

You can buy evil supervillain lairs for pennies. It's a playground for the rich.

# ? Aug 20, 2012 22:04

Thulsa Doom: Jun 20, 2011; Ezekiel 23:20

Can I buy an attack helicopter shaped like my own head?

# ? Aug 20, 2012 22:07

bigmcgaffney: Apr 19, 2009

Ambiguatron posted:

Can I buy an attack helicopter shaped like my own head?

If your head is shaped like an attack helicopter, then yes.

# ? Aug 20, 2012 22:16

Shageletic: Jul 25, 2007

At one end of the stage, Paula Abdul. On the other, a giant man/cat hybrid that I successfully duct-taped a pair of sunglasses on. In the middle: a staircase. Surrounding the stage: a crowd of animal trainers wielding whips, scientists, and pharmacists throwing pills at Paula Abdul.

Me: On a Baron Harkonnen throne chair flying over the scene cackling madly and eating a greasy giant leg of lamb as "Opposites Attract" plays on repeat.

# ? Aug 20, 2012 23:15

Azure_Horizon: Mar 27, 2010; by Reene

I want to buy an attack helicopter that shoots nuclear mail-order brides.

# ? Aug 20, 2012 23:47

IRQ: Sep 9, 2001; SUCK A DICK, DUMBSHITS!

Ambiguatron posted:

Can I buy love?

Love is really more of a stock than a tangible good. Subject to the whims of whoever thinks it's worth something, inflationary bubbles, and occasionally causing depressions.

Also the phrase "pump and dump" is highly applicable. :q:

e: This post could probably be made 100% unironically on reddit.

# ? Aug 20, 2012 23:51

Urdnot Fire: Feb 13, 2012

Or Not A Blog.

# ? Aug 20, 2012 23:59

The Mutato: Feb 23, 2011; Neil deGrasse Highson

Oh god here is my chapter. I had to get incredibly drunk to do that bit at the end, why couldn't I choose a BDSM chapter like normal people.

quote:

14, Brendan

It had been a week since the Elder had left Autumnfall, and not a day had passed where Brendan did not use his new powers to shift
He wondered whether his father would be proud of him. Sir Hogor used to always tell Brendon and the other little lordlings tales of the great Lord Nathyn Strike�s famed prowess in combat. Brandon�s favourite story was the great battle of the Pitchfork, where Nathyn had ridden alongside his lifelong friend soon-to-be King Roger Bartholomew, to defeat the treacherous son of the evil Wyvern Emperor. The singers across the land sung of Roger�s great stronghammer ending the three-century old age of oppression in one thunderous stroke to the Young Wyvern�s matte black breastplate, sending shards of opals showering the mud of the riverbanks in the twilight, but Hogor knew the real truth of it. If Nathyn had not suddenly turned his steed and ridden to join Roger�s charge, slaying three of the crown�s infamous Scaleguard protectors, Roger�s headstrongness would have surely meant his death. But Nathyn was humble as he was gallant, Hogor said, so let the new King accept the glory for the triumph.
Ardi would oft ask for the story where their father rode to the Fortress of Tears to save their Aunt Liara, but Brendan had always found it boring. Nathyn had brought two knights with him to save his sister from the prison-fortress the Young Wyvern had left her. Sir Nathyn, Sir Hogor and Sir Howard Reader defeated three more Scaleguard knights, but they could not reach Liara in time to save her from a terrible fever. Brendan wondered why the story had returned to him so vividly now; he had always disliked tales of heartbreak and romance, yet suddenly the Battle of the Pitchfork seemed disinteresting. Brendan thought about Howard Reeder, Miri�s father and Nathyn�s friend. Perhaps Howard had loved Liara. Could that be why they were at the Fortress? Brendan tried imagined Liara and Howland embracing each other, laughing and dancing together, but as they were about to kiss, their faces transformed into Miri and himself. Bran wished the thoughts away but he found them too exciting, thinking back to the times he found himself inside Hogor�s skin and Hogor was inside the serving girls, and imagined him and Miri doing the same, and-
Brendan was interrupted by a soft knock on the door of his bedchambers.
�Are you there, Bran?� he heard Miri�s timid voice ask from outside. Flustered, Bran found his feet from the bed. He realised his excitement had made him stiff, so crouched over to hide his embarrassment as he opened the door. Miri stood in the doorway, smiling at him.
�Hello Bren! Have you broken your fast?� Miri asked, blushing as she spoke. Bran could only blush in return, and the awkward pause that followed made him feel truly stupid. You are heir to Autumnfall, and almost a man grown, yet you have less to say than Hogor.
�I, er � no, I haven�t eaten. Not as yet,� Bren managed to stammer, now feeling twice as dimwitted as before.
�Well come on, silly!� Miri grabbed his arm and began to skip down the hallway towards the great hall. When they reached the huge oak doors, Miri shot him a quick glance, biting her lower lip in a wicked way that made Bren stiffen once again. He quickly moved to take a seat on the Bench next to Hogor.
�Hogor!� Hogor said happily, tearing off a piece of bread and stuffing it into his mouth. Bren remembered the queer sensation of shifting into the big knight, and felt the urge to do it again. He felt more confident whenever he returned from Hogor�s skin, as if his own mind stole a piece of Hogor each time.
I wonder if he knows what I am doing.
Bren�s thoughts were broken off by Hogor�s laughter, as the castle�s fool chased a tiny lordling, playing at an evil Elder north of the wall. Bren remembered Sudsyank and what he had told Bren.
Choice quote from the previous chapter�.
�Shall we go for a ride, Bren?� Miri brushed Bren�s arm lightly with her hand, her deep green eyes looking up at him prettily. Bren realised he had not touched his food, a plate of insert extravagant grrrmy food items, but he felt he was no longer hungry.
�Of course. I will tell a servant to run to the stableboys.�
It was light by time they had mounted their horses and started to ride into the Gotswood, the ancient forest surrounding the castle. The first few rays of autumn sun had begun to warm up the morning air, and Bren could see them streaming between the trees and bouncing the grass and snow, creating a bright verdant aura that encircled all the surroundings.
�Your country is beautiful, Bren.�
�Usually it is not so. We have been blessed with good weather.�
�In the Mudlands my people would tell me the gods gave me a gift, but it seems more like you are the one who has their favour.�

They rode around the Gotswood for what felt like hours, making childish japes or telling gossip to one another. At one point, Bren spied a rabbit scurrying between the trees, and drew his bow to impress Miri. He notched an arrow and fired, but it flew well wide. Miri almost fell off her mount she was laughing so hard.
�Brendan, you are truly a great warrior!� Miri shouted over at him cheekily.
�The sun was in my eyes!� Bren replied sourly. Miri stuck her tongue out at him, then rode off down a path obscured by some treees. Bren dug his heels in to follow her, but when he turned the corner he could not see her.
�Miri!� he shouted, but no reply came. He rode off down the path, now slightly worried. It is probably one of her silly games, he thought. He guessed a direction and headed off that way, looking around for any sign of the skinny girl and her horse.
�Miri?!� he called again, this time strained with a hint of desperation.
�Over here, Bren!� he distantly heard a reply. �Near the Hard Tree!� Relieved, he followed in the direction of Miri�s voice. And thank the gods we are not lost. Bren did not know this part of the Gotswood very well, but he knew his way to the Hard Tree. Like his father, he would often come here alone, often to get away from the castle after a fight with his sisters Sensa and Ardi.

Bren�s breeches became as tight as a babe in swaddling clothes when he saw Miri wearing nothing but her smallclothes beside the hot spring. Her back was to him yet he already felt as if he was like to explode, the way Hogor did over the breasts and backs over the serving girls. Miri looked over her shoulder at Bren, and must have noticed his blush, because she giggled.
�Don�t just gawk at me, come in!�
She turned her head back, fine brown hair flicking over her smooth shoulderblade as she skipped into the steamy water. Bren gulped and dismounted, his legs feeling as heavy as a giants�. He almost went straight into the spring with disrobing, before kicking himself for being so stupid. Do you think Harold the Handsome was so nervous around a woman? Still, his hands shook slightly as he removed his tunic and breeches, and he carefully hunched to avoid embarrassment as he lowered himself into the pool opposite Miri. She smiled at him, then shifted next to Bren, the water lightly lapping onto his midsection.
�Do you understand how special you are Bren?� she asked softly. Bren could think of no response.
�The power you have� it is an ancient blessing. It is spoken of only in stories and songs, and even then only in select corners of the kingdom.� She put her hand up to his cheekbone. It excited him for a second, but then he thought about what she said and felt a deep sense of unease crawl through his inside. He gently pushed her hand away and turned his head to the thick forest to the South. That was the thickest part of the woods, where Bren had never ridden. Before Hogor�s accident, he had told stories of creatures who were master of that domain � not great beasts but evil things: revenants, poisonshades and worse. He turned back to Miri�s gaze.
�What must needs I do?�
�Believe in yourself, Brendan.�
Then she kissed him. Before he knew it Bren was kissing back, and the two began splashing around in the water and giggling. He could feel Miri�s hands running through his hair, and he fumbled to do the same. He then remembered Hogor and the serving wenches, pressing Miri close and sliding his hands down the smooth, wet skin of Miri�s back. She made a little sound and her teeth clung to Bren�s lip. She began to move her hands down towards Bren�s smallclothes, and his breathing quickened, and he felt as if he had never been this scared in his life. With more strength than he had ever expected, Miri pushed him onto his back on the bank, and climbed on top of him. It was uncomfortable there, with roots and things digging into him from every direction, but he cared little and less now. With sudden courage he grasped Miri�s underbreeches and pulled them to her knees. She seemed apprehensive when he looked at her, but he kissed her again with his newfound knightly confidence. Then he looked down and recoiled in horror.
Bren could not recall the specifics of what happened next, but he remembered gathering up his clothes in haste, tangled amongst Miri�s in the damp mud. She was yelling after him, and Bren was yelling back, but the words would not form in his mind. Half naked, Bren jumped on his horse and rode to the castle and his warm bedchambers, away from the Gotswood, away from the South Forest, away from the lie that was Miri.

# ? Aug 21, 2012 03:14

whowhatwhere: Mar 15, 2010; SHINee's back

The lie? I thought he accepted the fact pretty much immediately?

# ? Aug 21, 2012 03:38

Urdnot Fire: Feb 13, 2012

whowhatwhere posted:

The lie? I thought he accepted the fact pretty much immediately?

No, he only accepts it in his final chapter. It's a very nice romantic arc.

# ? Aug 21, 2012 03:44

Blade_of_tyshalle: Jul 12, 2009; If you think that, along the way, you're not going to fail... you're blind.

There's no one I've ever met, no matter how successful they are, who hasn't said they had their failures along the way.

A GLISTENING HODOR posted:

You can buy ANYTHING in the former soviet union and southeast Asia.

Oh yeah? I don't see any Pussy Riot albums on amazon.ru.

# ? Aug 21, 2012 04:02

Thulsa Doom: Jun 20, 2011; Ezekiel 23:20

I'm not sure I could handle a pussy riot. I'd have to start with a pussy protest and work up from there.

That sounded worse than I meant it to.

# ? Aug 21, 2012 04:06

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

I prefer pussy voting and pussy campaigning to pussy civil unrest. But only because pussy Americans can't organize their pussy protest as efficiently as you see in Europe or the middle east. Pussy Americans are also far more afraid of our pussy riot cops, but it's only natural because the pussy police here are loving violent pussy thugs and pussy murderers.

# ? Aug 21, 2012 04:11

Thulsa Doom: Jun 20, 2011; Ezekiel 23:20

They're always brandishing those long black shafts, and I become very confused.

# ? Aug 21, 2012 04:16

The Anime Liker: Aug 8, 2009; by VideoGames

The gun is good. The penis (and all phallic objects) is evil.

# ? Aug 21, 2012 04:20

bigmcgaffney: Apr 19, 2009

A GLISTENING HODOR posted:

I prefer pussy voting and pussy campaigning to pussy civil unrest. But only because pussy Americans can't organize their pussy protest as efficiently as you see in Europe or the middle east. Pussy Americans are also far more afraid of our pussy riot cops, but it's only natural because the pussy police here are loving violent pussy thugs and pussy murderers.

After a while I just started imagining pussy to mean "covered in and spewing pus" and the whole context changed and oh god why is everything covered in pus??

# ? Aug 21, 2012 08:59

lobotomy molo: May 7, 2007; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Guys! Guys! ~*~Daario~*~ is coming! :flashfap:

bigmcgaffney posted:

After a while I just started imagining pussy to mean "covered in and spewing pus" and the whole context changed and oh god why is everything covered in pus??

Great, now you've got me thinking about pussy pussy. Gross.

# ? Aug 21, 2012 09:16

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# ? May 15, 2024 15:48

Rape Jake.: Feb 23, 2012; by T. Mascis

Fly Molo posted:

Guys! Guys! ~*~Daario~*~ is coming!

e:

Great, now you've got me thinking about pussy pussy. Gross.

Haha, good job getting someone who looks a lot like Jason Moama.

# ? Aug 21, 2012 09:42

The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > The Book Barn > ASoIaF: A Song of Ice and Fire: George Rail Road Martin

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