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Yeah, I'm glad to hear Annie's doing better these days and nothing drastic happened on her 22nd birthday besides the phone calls/arguments/breakup. (Who breaks up with someone on the dumpee's birthday, though? That's some coooold poo poo.)
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Aug 22, 2012 07:30
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Antivehicular posted:Yeah, I'm glad to hear Annie's doing better these days and nothing drastic happened on her 22nd birthday besides the phone calls/arguments/breakup. (Who breaks up with someone on the dumpee's birthday, though? That's some coooold poo poo.) The dumpee's birthday on which she fully believes she's going to die.
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Aug 22, 2012 08:34
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Antivehicular posted:Yeah, I'm glad to hear Annie's doing better these days and nothing drastic happened on her 22nd birthday besides the phone calls/arguments/breakup. (Who breaks up with someone on the dumpee's birthday, though? That's some coooold poo poo.) It was actually disturbingly common in my group of friends. People would just break up, and it would just happen to be on their birthday. Once I was dumped by a typed-and-printed note from my girlfriend, handed to me through one of her friends, on my birthday. I'm hardly any better. Once I broke up with someone on Valentine's Day. We were all horrible, awful people for a very long time.
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Aug 22, 2012 08:35
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Now that we've got Annie background, though, I think we can give this proper introduction to Stretch. Now, this guy Stretch. Stretch is a dog/wolf furry. Ever since Annie's 22nd birthday, he's been wanting to have sex with her. This wouldn't be an issue if he could approach someone without looking like a creepy pedophile, or talk about something other than math (his college major), video games (none newer than the first playstation), his cat (whom even his friends joke about being his girlfriend, to his face), or random musings on the world that are either asinine or betray a lack of understanding so complete that it's easy to wonder how the hell he manages to not choke on his tongue while eating. Stretch has the tendency to drag everyone around him down to his level. He hates it when someone is having fun near him that does not include him, and he will try to stop that poo poo immediately. When I was still a Physics major, he was having difficulties in his classes, and would not stop talking about four-dimensional geometry and other topological bullshit until 3:00 in the morning, no matter how many times I told him to go the gently caress to sleep. To this day, I don't want to even look at math. Stretch is also very, very angry about anyone near him being in a relationship. When I lived with him, for about three years (three horrible years), he would directly sabotage any kind of date I had, mostly by showing up and being creepy at my date. Other times, if I was going to bring someone home, he would gently caress up a room 'accidentally'. I don't like showing off dirty rooms to people, so after about a year of dealing with this, I just stopped. He says he has no trouble with people dating or being happy, but this is wrong. He gets very angry about it when he sees someone do anything more than hold hands in public. On Annie's birthday, apparently he woke up early and saw us cuddling on the couch and eating ice cream. This led to: Stretch: KNIGHT-DUELIST Stretch loved swords. I'm pretty sure he wanted to be Sesshomaru, from Inuyasha. Stretch took a couple of classes in fencing. He was so obsessed with it he did further sword research, as into old fencing manuals and the like. He spent around two hundred bucks on some bigass renfaire longsword. As a recovering member of some crazy Christian cult, and having played too many video games and read too many fantasy novels, he thought he was a proper knight, ordained by God. Like a lot of crazy-rear end white guys, he calculated out how many people would have to die to get him on the throne of England. This is more common a pastime than you would think. I had taken a fencing class too, but I found that I couldn't really get into it, because the footwork was very different from a Japanese sword class I took a while before that, partially from high school weeabooness and partially because it meant I got to wear something that was really flowy and dresslike while swinging around a sword. The footwork is really different, and I was handicapped with that as well as my eyesight, so I was no good at fencing class. Stretch asking me to practice with him wasn't uncommon. Usually we would go at half-speed, so he could train himself for fencing tournaments at the college. He really didn't like me cuddling with Annie though. Not one bit. Annie had a dog-soul like he did, and a dirty atheist like me didn't deserve her. A real man like him deserved her. He held onto this for a couple of years, stewing in the thought of challenging me, to protect Annie's honor. Had he talked to Annie about this, I'm sure she would've laughed right in his face. But no. He knew what she deserved, and it wasn't me. It was him. And he knew exactly how to take her from me. For a whole week straight, he watched Conan, the Barbarian. The one with Arnie. During this time I was also in the living room, on my computer, wearing my headphones and playing D&D or something online, I don't remember. Annie had just been at the apartment the week before, introducing me to the new My Little Pony cartoon. On the final night, he drank like, a third of a handle of dark rum by himself whle watching Conan. He stripped off his shirt halfway through. As the credits rolled he wobbled over to his room and brought out his fencing swords. He tried to toss one at my feet, but it ended up sort of dropping at his.  : "Hey, Andre." : "Gimme a minute, I'm doing something.": "No! You listen!": *rips headphones off* "Did you just loving yell at me?": "... uh, no.": "What do you want?" "I challenge you to a duel.": "No. gently caress off."He hadn't expected that, because to Stretch, everyone wants the things that he wants. He is incapable of understanding that others may have different priorities. The extent of his knowing that someone might want something other than what he wants is this: He knows women want different things than men. That's it. But he doesn't understand that women are varied and, y'know, people. They're a monolithic conspiracy set there to deny him sex. He thought I wanted a duel. I would surely accept, because I am clearly dishonorable scum that must be defeated and... honestly, I have no clue what his idea was there. He just thought that I'd accept a duel. Which is... I don't even. So in a huff, he throws his other sword down onto the ground and sits back down on the couch. Keep in mind, I was still sleeping in the living room. This couch was my bed. He gets all huffy when he tosses himself onto the couch, and I'm not sure if he cried or not, because I put my headphones on and went back to doing whatever I was doing. Probably telling internet people about my creepy, jackass roommate. Two songs later, when the music fades down, I hear the couch shifting, and I hear growling and deep breaths. Yes. loving exactly my reaction too. At that point, I'd managed to avoid seeing Stretch's cock. I'd managed to avoid anything other than him trying to flirt with me, convince me to suck his dick, or listen to his impassioned defense of why he wasn't gay, despite talking about how this one guy we knew, Bubba, would be the perfect match for him ever. I didn't want to risk seeing his dick. I didn't want to see what years of dedicated foreskin-stretching wrought on it. I'd seen some poo poo, and I was pretty sure that would be the last straw. So I grabbed an empty can from my desk, and I threw it behind me at the couch. I'm not sure where it hit, but I know it hit. : "Why'd you do that?" : "Stretch, go to your room." "Why? It's my apartment.": "Stretch, if you touch your cock one more time, I am going to finish what that doctor started."I know he said something after that, all huffy and mad at me. But he stopped jacking off on my bed and went to his room, slamming the door. He professed that he couldn't remember what happened after some part in Conan the next day, when I called him on that poo poo. Apparently he was just way too drunk. He told a mutual friend, later, that he thought it was a good idea, because otherwise I was going to irrecovcably corrupt Annie. Which, well. Annie introduced me to atheism around the same time I introduced her into the world of making dick jokes about ten years before that. And no. I didn't sleep in my bed that night. I had to walk down to the store the next day to get cleaning supplies. fake edit: gently caress. I just realized why he wants to protect her. It's because she's a straight-up virgin in the 'nobody has stuck their penis in her' sense. Stretch is one of those guys who rails on and on about the evils of whores and how he doesn't want to get with a 'slut' or whatever. gently caress. Andrevian fucked around with this message at 10:48 on Aug 22, 2012 |
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Aug 22, 2012 10:42
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Jeez. This is either the fakest fake fake that ever faked, or it's loving brilliant must-be-e/n-comiced-right-now drama. It's pushing all the right "I'm gonna go get some popcorn" buttons. How long ago was all this?
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Aug 22, 2012 11:35
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Allen Wren posted:Jeez. This is either the fakest fake fake that ever faked, or it's loving brilliant must-be-e/n-comiced-right-now drama. It's pushing all the right "I'm gonna go get some popcorn" buttons. How long ago was all this? The duel attempt was about two years ago, before I moved out of Stretch's apartment. I learned about why he was going to duel me a few months ago, while talking to one of his current roommates. The masturbating-on-the-couch thing wasn't uncommon. The first time he did it, we were living with the Princess, and I was out of town. He stripped naked when drunk, laid spread eagle on the futon, and went to town until the Princess caught him. I think an exorcism was tried or a pastor was called. When we smoked with this cute lady next door, Stretch went total psycho after two hits, and started humping the air and talking about how he was humping this "cute neko-girl." He talked dirty to her, while we sort of looked on in horror. There is no amount of high you can get, where that isn't loving weird. When we smoked with my aunt and her girlfriend, he laid down on the couch and started talking about a 'zodiac of sex', and how he was going to gently caress his way through it. More air-humping and self-fondling. We went to an anime con with Bubba and Bubba's cousins. Stretch chugged a 5 hour Energy after a bit of vodka and LOST HIS loving MIND. He'd start walking around the room, talking about having sex with things, and finding the girls and loving them. He wanted to go to the LARP combat pit to beat up on people with boffer weapons, and tried to drag Bubba's 16 year old boy cousin out of the hotel bed by his thigh. Boy jumped three feet off of the bed and had to get the hell away. Everyone told Stretch to get out, and so he did, wandering the halls until the morning. He remembered nothing. A story I only know secondhand from him is one from a renfaire party he called "valhalla." He talked about this fairly often, about how he had all sorts of poo poo, and couldn't remember everything that happened. His renfaire stories often involve him getting absurdly drunk and making out with fat women. Once or twice he talked about making out with his boss when he really wanted to just gently caress her daughter. One of the stories he's proud of is that one time, he and this lady were horribly drunk, and they were going to have sex, but he had a change of heart and gave her over to her friends. If I knew him to be a liar about things, I wouldn't believe it, but he's an awful liar, so I'm glad about this one. It's just a pattern with him. Conan isn't even the worst part though. People leave the apartment when he's going to watch Braveheart, because that means he's going to get stinking drunk and masturbate on the couch, or walk around naked trying to explain the movie to his cat. Or just be really, really creepy. The dude also frequently has breakdowns in which he bemoans not having a girlfriend, complains about the nature of women, and then sits on his rear end in his room and writes proofs. Or says things like "We have to find the women, and we have to gently caress them." e: remembered Braveheart. Andrevian fucked around with this message at 12:31 on Aug 22, 2012 |
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Aug 22, 2012 12:15
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God, he sounds all kinds of terrible. Wonder if he's raped anyone on a Red Bull bender yet.
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Aug 22, 2012 13:46
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Allen Wren posted:Jeez. This is either the fakest fake fake that ever faked, or it's loving brilliant must-be-e/n-comiced-right-now drama. It's pushing all the right "I'm gonna go get some popcorn" buttons. How long ago was all this? Well, the new MLP series came out under 2 years ago. So it's obviously under 2 years. I've seen at least one story on this thread that I know to be fake (at least, horribly exaggerated and full of lies added on to make it worse than it is) because, to my infinite shame I know exactly the person(s) who are being written about. This one strikes me as just being written a tad melodramatically, the actual events don't seem too "out there", considering.
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Aug 22, 2012 13:50
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moerketid posted:I've seen at least one story on this thread that I know to be fake (at least, horribly exaggerated and full of lies added on to make it worse than it is) because, to my infinite shame I know exactly the person(s) who are being written about. This one strikes me as just being written a tad melodramatically, the actual events don't seem too "out there", considering. You gonna leave us hanging like that?
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Aug 22, 2012 19:12
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Antivehicular posted:Yeah, I'm glad to hear Annie's doing better these days and nothing drastic happened on her 22nd birthday besides the phone calls/arguments/breakup. (Who breaks up with someone on the dumpee's birthday, though? That's some coooold poo poo.) Break-ups have a bad habit of happening at exactly that sort of time, though - especially birthdays and Christmas. Sometimes the strain of having to be a happy couple at some big-deal social event is the last straw when someone isn't happy in a relationship anyway. Andrevian posted:
Well, this thread's conclusively proved two things for me. Goons are terrible at picking friends, and I'm glad I never had to share a flat with anyone (apart, briefly, from my brother).
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Aug 22, 2012 19:26
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Andrevian posted:e: remembered Braveheart. Thanks for this this is what has convinced me to get off the internet and do something with my life, because there is someone out there this broken and miserable who I do not under any circumstances want to turn into. Thanks, Bye!
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Aug 22, 2012 19:55
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Josef bugman posted:Thanks for this this is what has convinced me to get off the internet and do something with my life, because there is someone out there this broken and miserable who I do not under any circumstances want to turn into. I live to serve. Stretch is at least an amazing example of a person you don't want to be. ------------------------- Yeah, I write melodramatically as gently caress, mostly so that it'll be amusing to read, while still being a trip into crazytown. I may as well have fun with it; I know I didn't get anything else from living with Stretch for those years, other than a violent, burning desire to keep my apartment clean. I really have no excuse for continuing contact with Stretch other than that he's the only person I know with a car, who can be convinced to drive me to stupid places at the drop of a hat, usually on the stipulation that I cover lunch/dinner/a video game /gas or something. I generally try to convince him away from doing horrible, horrible things. It took most of those years living with him to beat "rape is bad!" and "Being creepy is also bad!" into his head. Only recently did I, with the help of his current roommates, convince him that he's got issues with women that he seriously needs to see a counselor for. The last therapist he went to, he just spoke about so much math that she figured him for just a stressed student. Nothing else got addressed. He only got better at hiding his creepy, around that time. So, I give people nicknames, a lot of the time. There's usually a reason for this. How Stretch Got His Nickname Stretch is a mass of issues. The biggest one, for a while, was that he believed he was less of a man for being circumcised. He was certain that missing his foreskin made him less sexually vigorous, made him unable to gain respect. This possibly tied in to me making fun of the Princess once because he was circumcised, but that wasn't all of it, because he was spouting that sort of 'male circumcision is just as bad, if not worse, than female circumcision!" bullshit all the time. He's like a child. If you tell him something, he will repeat it. If he reads something, he will repeat it. He will repeat it entirely without thought as to how appropriate it is to the situation. I cussed in Spanish at home for a while, because that's what my family does. Imagine a pasty white redhead saying random words in Spanish when he does something wrong, with the most standard Southern US accent possible. This is a thing Stretch does. This is why he is treated as a particularly unruly parrot. So Stretch would complain about how this, and his chest being a bit breast-like, made it so that his girlfriend at the time wouldn't gently caress him. He couldn't conceive of the fact that she was just using him for free stuff, as a way to get out of the house, and as a placeholder because the guy she really wanted was dating her best friend. Keep in mind, Stretch's girlfriend, Diana, was a 5 foot tall girl with cerebral palsy, tunnel vision, and smelled like onions. She hated me, because I didn't take her opinions as gospel, and also because I told Stretch that if she didn't start bathing and using deodorant before she came over, I was going to tell her she reeked myself. Everyone was convinced that the only reason he was dating her is because he met her guide dog first. We wouldn't let him keep a dog in the apartment, so whenever his girlfriend was over, he'd play games with her service dog. Still. Stretch thought that if he only had the magical foreskin of confidence, he would be able to overcome his failings and become a real man, not just a pasty Samus-and-Star Trek-obsessed nerd. And he would talk about this for a month or so. Until the subject changed: The evil dick-chopping doctor had failed in his attempt to permanently emasculate Stretch! There was a way to restore his foreskin. This is why we call him Stretch. For a year he talked about nothing but the series of O-rings, fishing weights, and medical tape he was using to stretch the tiny bit of foreskin he had remaining over the head of his dick. He would talk about this chart, and his final goal for his foreskin length. He didn't want it as long as some entry on the chart, because that was freaky, but he wanted it a certain length. The Princess tried to convince him this was horrible and wrong, and that God wanted dicks to be snipped. I'm pretty sure the words "heathen penis" or "infidel penis" came up somewhere around there. Stretch proudly took to "heathen penis" as a source of pride. Then Stretch started asking me about proper foreskin behavior. : "How do you clean it?" : "What if it hurts to pull back?" : "Does your foreskin do this thing that I just found mine doing?": "Is it right for your foreskin to just... eat things?" I made the mistake of answering more than one of these in the hope that it would get him to leave me alone, but no dice. He had a billion dick questions, and wanted to know everything about having his magically restored foreskin. When he was done, he went to a doctor to show it off, and ask if it looked like a normal dick to him. I feel bad for that doctor, because Stretch took this as his 'I have officially uncircumcised myself!' day. He is now proud of his circumcision scar, because it means he triumphed over evil or something. I guess he's showed it off to the succubus who visited him regularly back then.
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Aug 22, 2012 21:04
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Andrevian posted:I guess he's showed it off to the succubus who visited him regularly back then. drat it, stop writing your stories with cliffhangers! 
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Aug 22, 2012 21:43
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I don't really know why I'm asking but what did the doctor say?
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Aug 22, 2012 21:53
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Nemesis Of Moles posted:You gonna leave us hanging like that? Yeah, pretty much. I figure just let you guys get the entertainment value out of it and not go through the petty junk of call outs or whatever. I know it's lovely to leave y'all guessing, but the comment is merely a nod to the fact there are indeed fakes on the thread.
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Aug 22, 2012 22:25
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Grope-A-Matic posted:drat it, stop writing your stories with cliffhangers! If I didn't do it, I'd forget which story I'd tell next. It's easy to forget which of his crazy things are significant-crazy, which are just weird for him, and which of his significant-crazy things are just... stuff that I wrote off because of overexposure to it. It's like, I'm pretty sure there are no stories that can be told about being a camp counselor at a cub scout/boy scout camp that don't sound like pederasty. It really doesn't help that the guy looks like a pedophile. I mean, if you saw him on the street, the way he usually dresses, looks, and acts, you would say "That is a pedophile. He touches kids." We made fun of him for this for a while, and in that area I'm honestly not sure how much of that is based in his actions and what he says, and what's just part of the old joke. We keep him away from high school girls and boys nonetheless. Just in case. Nemesis Of Moles posted:I don't really know why I'm asking but what did the doctor say? From what I remember, the doctor said it looked like Stretch never had a circumcision. The doctor also said that it was impossible to stretch the foreskin from a circumcised bit to where his was now. So Stretch was doubly smug that day, as he managed to fool the doctor, and he managed to also know more than a doctor about some random thing that wasn't even the doc's specialty. He didn't go to like, Dick Do-Right, Penis Doctor or anything. Andrevian fucked around with this message at 22:37 on Aug 22, 2012 |
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Aug 22, 2012 22:33
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Andrevian posted:fake edit: gently caress. I just realized why he wants to protect her. It's because she's a straight-up virgin in the 'nobody has stuck their penis in her' sense. Stretch is one of those guys who rails on and on about the evils of whores and how he doesn't want to get with a 'slut' or whatever. But... she's a lesbian, right? Oh my god what an rear end in a top hat.
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Aug 22, 2012 22:40
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moerketid posted:Yeah, pretty much. I figure just let you guys get the entertainment value out of it and not go through the petty junk of call outs or whatever. I know it's lovely to leave y'all guessing, but the comment is merely a nod to the fact there are indeed fakes on the thread. Crazy person married to Piccolo spotted. But seriously. You mean to tell me you lived with this Stretch guy for how many years, and with this kind of behaviour you never once saw his cock? Good show. I'm not sure what it is about weirdoes and looking like paedophiles. Brian was also a member of the slovenly looking-like-he-touches-kids variety to the point where he got banned from a playground.
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Aug 22, 2012 23:34
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Lady Charlemagne posted:But... she's a lesbian, right? Yes, and yes. uglynoodles posted:But seriously. You mean to tell me you lived with this Stretch guy for how many years, and with this kind of behaviour you never once saw his cock? Good show. I don't know how I managed it either, but I'm sure being blind helped. I can't see much out of my left eye at all, save for movement. I've got 20/200 vision in my right eye. So that helps a whole lot. Normally, when I'm speaking to people, I'll orient my right side to them. If I'm speaking to Stretch, the Princess, or someone else that I don't give a drat about, I'll orient left side to them, and keep doing whatever I'm interested in at the moment on my right side. So if Stretch was walking around naked in the apartment, there's a chance I'd never know unless I checked. That thought disturbs me to this day, sometimes. But I think it's best not to know. This has the fun added side effect of people not remembering which side is my blind side, or completely forgetting that I'm blind at all. And yeah. I think it might have to do with facial hair. Certain facial hair is just inherently creepy, like scraggly beards and most mustaches. The sort of mustache + goatee that Stretch wears, he started wearing because Bubba had it, and it looked OK on Bubba's huge, acne-scarred frame, because it hid the awful craters near his mouth and the center of his face, and I could go on and not notice that he looked like meat bubble wrap. Stretch is in love with Bubba. So naturally, he took that fashion cue from him. It doesn't work so well.
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Aug 22, 2012 23:50
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I imagine it's mostly a matter of hygiene and subtle non-conformance to societal norms of appearance, but the "this dude is a sexual predator" vibe is a very real thing, and it's pretty accurate in terms of identifying dudes who have problems. I dated a guy for years whom I really should not have dated, and he basically looked like a human Senor Cardgage (or Seymour from Ghost World, if you prefer the classier reference). I'm sure there are exceptions out there, legitimately good people who just don't know how to style their hair or buy clothes that don't look to have been scavenged from the Goodwill dumpster, but I think it's healthy to be a little cautious.
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Aug 23, 2012 01:47
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I've met all of one decent guy who couldn't take care of himself, and was nasty as gently caress, didn't bathe, and all that. He's my roommate now, actually. His family never taught him how to take care of himself, so he ended up huge and fat. My group paid for him to come over here, to get him out of his aunt's place when his cousin deliberately poured cat piss on their router in order to force his mother to buy them a new one. So we imported the guy. Now he's losing weight, bathing regularly, exercising, eating better, and generally improving greatly. He still needs a nudge to keep his poo poo clean, and pick up after himself, but there's been a marked difference over the... going on two years since he came here. The only bad stuff is that he's a bit petulant and whiny sometimes, but he's getting over that too. He's just happy to have friends and video games. He's entirely uninterested in dating, so that's not really a big deal. He's a genuinely good person. But he's the only person like that I've met. Most of the time, what you see is what you get. ------------------------------ So. The Succubus. Stretch - VIDEO GAME DESIGNER Stretch has always loved video games. As a kid, he had coordination issues, motor skills problems, and the like. Playing video games actually fixed that. But then RPGs happened. Stretch loved Knights of the Old Republic. One of the things he talks about to this day is about Bastila's "dark side panties." And how she was totally hot for him when he was so, so evil. To this day he talks about how he wants to have an apprentice, and wear a cape everywhere. Dark Side playthroughs of KotOR and KotOR II rotted his brain along with a bunch of other Star Wars stuff. He loves the thought of Sith stuff, and freaky Sith sex, I guess. As a result, when Princess mentioned that he intended to start a business making video games in the future, Stretch immediately knew what had to be done. He had to make an epic blockbuster video game that would take several games to tell the whole story, his magnum opus. A seven part series! Motion controls! Realistic swordfighting! Romance paths! Branching storylines! It was like listening to any other video game ideas guy, really. Only Stretch had his cutscenes planned out, and his games too.
Yeah. Exactly. You see, at first she was an idea for a video game nemesis. Remember when Cloud fell into the lifestream in FF7 and you played as Cid for a bit? Imagine that, but instead of the lifestream, Cloud falls into a succubus's rape dungeon. Then he comes out of it, battered and alive, and continues the story as if very little happened. Stretch was obsessed with this succubus, whose name was Meritria or something. He would talk about how she was immortal and had demon magic from Satan, and how, in the sixth or seventh game she would be redeemed from all past wrongdoing to go to Heaven, as proof that God forgives and saves those who turn to him. You know, standard Evangelical theology. He would talk about her often, her eventual redemption, her role in the story. As I was bored, I at least tried to point out the awful things, but he would either ignore them entirely or change them a few months down the line and say it was his idea. This is how anything with Stretch works. One day, he was freaked out. Something had happened. This was back when we were in the dorms, and he was living with the Princess, with Bubba as their RA. I lived elsewhere. He called us all together, to try and get a handle on this situation. The succubus was coming after him. She attacked him in his dream. He told Bubba first. Bubba tried to remind him that it was only a dream, and maybe he should lay off the freaky porn and anime for a while. Bubba warned me ahead of time that this poo poo was going down, and so when I went to talk to Stretch, I tried to reinforce this opinion. Maybe he should chill the gently caress out and not think about his game so much, and do other things. Princess was his roommate, though. And Princess believed it was a REAL loving SUCCUBUS come to gently caress his friend at night in the bed near his. His bed was about three feet from Stretch's, as it was a dorm. Stretch's bed at this time was crusty with unwashed sheets, so I know there was something a special grade of awful going on there. The Princess hounded him to get right with God, to go pray, to tell the Baptist Student Ministry to help him out. Of course, the BSM was its own crazy-rear end cult thing that hosed Stretch up extra in the first place. Still, for about two months, until the end of the semester, Stretch talked about how he was ENGAGED IN SPIRITUAL WARFARE with this succubus. He called on the spirit of his dead grandfather to help him against her. Stretch would describe these encounters in very sexual terms, how he would fight her or what-the-gently caress ever, I'm not describing any of what he said because it makes me loving sick to remember it. Just imagine some horrible poo poo. Suffice to say, he was creepy as poo poo about it for months, nonstop. Then every now and then he'd bring up her visiting him in his sleep. He'd stopped that later, and I haven't heard him say anything about it in years. Probably since his grandmother died. All in all, Stretch's game ideas were full of bizarre theology and (often sexualized) violence against women. He had a huge hardon for this scene in which this character you were supposed to sympathize with, a "redeemed prostitute" type, is alone in her room in an inn, and this guy stabs her while holding her from behind. He would act this scene out, putting himself in the position of the murderer, saying what the murderer said. There weren't women who had good ends for the longest time. Generally, they ended up dead in the most gruesome way conceivable for them to go depending on the scene. But oh boy, he was sure he was writing, y'know. Strong female characters. I'll be running out of Stretch stuff soon if I don't remember too many more. I think all I have left is what formed this man; his home and his past cult, for big stuff.
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Aug 23, 2012 01:57
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behind it.
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Andrevian posted:I don't know how I managed it either, but I'm sure being blind helped. I can't see much out of my left eye at all, save for movement. I've got 20/200 vision in my right eye. So that helps a whole lot. It's funny how something that would normally be considered a handicap sometimes turns into a superpower.
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Aug 23, 2012 03:05
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Was Stretch familiar with Latin? "Meretrix" is the Latin word for prostitute.
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Aug 23, 2012 04:11
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God, Stretch sounds a lot like these dudes. Only you guys are actively telling him he's a creeper who should stop being creepy. Good job there. Super depressing link btw 
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Aug 23, 2012 04:25
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Moving in to my dorm at the new school I transfered to today. My room mate has had three Facebook profile pics. All three are Naruto pictures. I think it might finally be my turn for the thread.  That poster is slightly less hilarious than I hoped since it's just head shots, but still funny as poo poo. Also holy poo poo, Stretch sounds terrifying. 
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Aug 23, 2012 09:07
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A Fancy 400 lbs posted:Moving in to my dorm at the new school I transfered to today. My room mate has had three Facebook profile pics. All three are Naruto pictures. I think it might finally be my turn for the thread. I too have a promising new housemate: she loves anime, is hugely fat, has faded pink hair and for some reason decided to wear a tophat with a normal dress to our getting-to-know-eachother dinner. She also enjoys mimicking anime speech and hand gestures, affecting that stupid anime laugh where they go "ohohohoho~" while holding their hand to the side of their face or trying way too hard to scrunch her face up into a ^___^ when talking about something cute. Of course she studies Japanese, and since my uni is one of only two universities who offer that course my house will no doubt soon be filled with the finest weebs my country has to offer. 
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Aug 23, 2012 11:37
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Being half blind is the best sometimes-superpower. It also helps that, due to genetic weirdnesses like ocular albinism, I have Mary Sue Green eyes.The Monkey Man posted:Was Stretch familiar with Latin? "Meretrix" is the Latin word for prostitute. Stretch is familiar with Latin, so that just makes everything even creepier. Recently he's focused more on Greek, because he's big on Biblical translation. His idea for the game was a Christian one from the beginning, where the player is strongly encouraged to choose God. Maybe he was trying for that. And yeah, Stretch does sound a lot like those guys. I call him on his poo poo because there's no drat excuse for it. Stretch - True Believer I met Stretch in college, when he had just gotten out of a cult. He makes it sound like this is a big new thing, but considering his past moments in life, Stretch didn't need the cult to make him hosed up, it only helped. His parents were afraid of going places, due to this hatred of traffic. As a result, he would have 'imagination vacations' where he would sit in his room and dream about all the places he would go. He went so far into these imaginary worlds he has trouble figuring out if something actually happened or not. This is why I don't trust his interpretations of things a lot of the time. He will tell a story of something that happened, including bits and pieces of it that are just... not what happened at all. It's not even always stuff that makes him look better, or worse. Sometimes they're just entirely strange things that just did not happen and are incidental to whatever was happening at the time. Who knows if his fat-woman renfaire makeouts or whatever were things that actually happened. I'll assume that they happened though, because renfaire people are just like that. Also because I've been subjected to enough stories of him playing with stomach-fat, what he'd do with a woman with a lot of stomach-fat, and how he wants to draw triangles on them for sexy spherical geometry fun. The two following parts are Stretch Stories. These are things he was proud enough about to tell me himself shortly after I met him. Stretch's family loves dogs. They have always had a dog, and have a thing for German Shepherds. He has fond memories of the dog they had when he was a baby, "Blue-dog", and when that dog died the whole family was crushed. They eventually got another one named Shadow, who lived alongside Stretch up until he moved to college. Stretch loved that dog. If this were Starship Troopers, Stretch would've been an easy choice for K-9 Corps training. When he was a kid, middle school I believe, he said that this dog was his only friend. Well, except for all the other dogs. You see, Stretch was the leader of a wolf pack! A wolf pack consisting of all of the neighbors' dogs. At the time he was telling me this, he looked like Zach Galifianakis, only horrifically unkempt, not Hollywood unkempt. In fact, I'm pretty sure seeing that movie was another step away from being a creeper bastard for him. He saw it, said "I'm not like that, am I?" to which we all replied "Yeah dude, you are." This was his source of identifying as a wolf. He was the leader of a pack! Along with his dog Shadow, he would go exploring and running around in the park with these other dogs. They would track things and mark territories. They recognized him as their own, and he was dog god of all he surveyed. He likes being part of a pack, though. Feeling included. One time, he was really pissed off when the Princess and Bubba went somewhere, but DIDN'T INVITE HIM. He couldn't conceive of the thought of friends hanging out without wanting him around and it not being the end of the world. This was after the cult, mind you. I say "cult" because that's the word Stretch uses. They were a particularly restrictive set of Evangelicals. Southern Baptist-inspired variety. No drinking, no dancing, et cetera. They said they were okay with people dating, but that brings us to Stretch's story. You see, one night, the guys of his little religious organization were going to go on a retreat somewhere, to do whatever the hell you do over a weekend with a bunch of religious guys. Only there was one problem. One of the members wanted to spend time with his girlfriend, instead of going out there to glorify god. Truly, he was going to walk with Satan himself that night. So Team Buddy Christ, Pro Cockblock Patrol comes into play. They get an idea. They all get masks. And rope. When their buddy heads up to meet his girlfriend at her place, they ambush him, blindfold him, tie him up, and throw him into the back of a truck. Then they got to their place and called the girlfriend like they were kidnappers. They sent pictures of him with a knife nearby. They were talking about all of the hosed up poo poo they were going to do until she started crying. Their friend they kidnapped had started crying earlier. Oh. But they were just kidding! They came clean and said that it was his friends, and that they totally did it only to keep him from sinning. Yeah. Think about that for a while. I don't know any of the aftermath of that, because the way Stretch told it, it was like it was totally fun for him, pretending to be an insane kidnapper. He had no regrets about that, and didn't think it was wrong until the third time he told me the story and me pointing out how hosed up it was started to take hold. Keep in mind, he told me this story because he thought that it would convince me to become a Christian (I was still pretending to be a Catholic at the time) and frolic in the beauty of God's grace at the time. The promise of being kidnapped by Stretch. I guess the song wasn't "We Will Know They Are Christians By Their Sanity."
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Aug 23, 2012 17:19
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PiratePing posted:I too have a promising new housemate: she loves anime, is hugely fat, has faded pink hair and for some reason decided to wear a tophat with a normal dress to our getting-to-know-eachother dinner. She also enjoys mimicking anime speech and hand gestures, affecting that stupid anime laugh where they go "ohohohoho~" while holding their hand to the side of their face or trying way too hard to scrunch her face up into a ^___^ when talking about something cute. I have seen Anime Gigglers before, as well as hand gestures, but I haven't seen a face scruncher. Especially not in a top hat. Ugh.
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Aug 23, 2012 18:27
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PiratePing posted:Of course she studies Japanese, and since my uni is one of only two universities who offer that course my house will no doubt soon be filled with the finest weebs my country has to offer.
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Aug 23, 2012 19:09
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Are you being forced to live with this new housemate or did you some how choose them??
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Aug 23, 2012 19:58
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Baronjutter posted:Are you being forced to live with this new housemate or did you some how choose them?? Jeez, haven't you watched any anime? The protagonist is always forced into a housing situation with a wacky roommate, it's never his choice. Hijinks!
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Aug 23, 2012 23:17
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I wish I had that excuse with Stretch. I chose to live with him and the Princess. For two years. And Stretch alone for another year. It still wasn't the worst decision I could've made. I could've moved back home.
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Aug 24, 2012 00:08
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Weird rear end housemates: It's more likely than you think. Once I was forced to live with an over the top Weeaboo lesbian (the man hating kind) due to miscommunication on the rental front. I'd write up a story but I don't think anyone wants to hear about me getting locked out of the house at 4am and having an elderly woman beat up my weeaboo housemate for basically forcing me to attempt to climb in a second story window and end up falling into their backyard, unless they do which then I will give it a crack.
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Aug 24, 2012 00:20
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The answer to "should I write about this crazy story?" is never "we aren't interested".
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Aug 24, 2012 00:54
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Elderly women are awesome. I kinda want to read everything that led up to that fight.
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Aug 24, 2012 00:54
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Eh, okay. I'll write something up - I might as well lay out the foundation for it all here. Names have been changed to protect the innocent or unfortunate, your pick. Basically I was kicked out of home because I made a real stupid choice (not important) and was forced to rough it pretty hard as far as living arrangements go. Because of this I approached a rental agency once I had some form of income and basically said 'Need Shelter, Don't care how/which/where' to which they told me there was a split rent flat available and they needed someone A.S.A.P to join the other tenant. I of course said yes and grabbing my meager sack full of crap + my lovely computer, I rocked up. What answered the door was a large woman in a stained anime hoodie, thick glasses and a half smiling face that quickly turned to a look of contempt when greeted by my penis having self. Let's call her Rachel. "Um, who are you." "I am Cockfruit...I was given this address for a split rent agreement?" "The form said you were a girl..." (This isn't true, the form merely showed that I had a feminine name, which is true.) Basically we sat awkwardly for like, 10 minutes before she let me in the flat, and I was greeted with piled dishes, a metric ton of anime related stuff and half eaten food. She showed me the (surprisingly clean) corner of the lounge room, and said that was my 'room'. I honestly didn't care because I had been slumming it with friends, and on occasion sleeping on a bus shelter when it got pretty bad, and was happy to be anywhere but outside. "Don't get unpacked... I'm calling the rental people to tell them this isn't going to work." with a scowl. I dared ask why. "I don't like men, and ABSOLUTELY can't live with one." Normal people translation: "You have a penis, and I automatically loving hate you." Long story short at this point, she called the rental people and they basically told her to get over it because it wasn't her house, and when she signed on as 'half tenant' she agreed to live with whoever they gave the other half of the lease to. So she made it clear to 'stay away from her, and her stuff' and we'd get along just fine. What followed was a rollercoaster ride adventure of her trying to sabotage my life at any point, with Wile E Coyote style booby traps of stuff I like to do, transparent and utterly stupid lies to my friends ("He is actually dying you know, he just doesn't tell you.") and weird advances of friendship/courtship that go from awkward to just plain
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Aug 24, 2012 01:44
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Well don't just end it there  Keep telling the story drat it all.
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Aug 24, 2012 02:02
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Imalloutofideas posted:Well don't just end it there I haven't written this stuff down before, I need to figure out the best way of retelling it. I guess I'll start small? Living with Rachel started off innocent enough - she decided that ignoring me in a huff would be the best course of action, so she just refused to talk to me (made paying rent hard when she honestly wouldn't tell me her bank details) and this persisted just fine for a few weeks until that magical day when poo poo happened and she seemed to declare war. Basically what happened was I woke up, a couple weeks had passed so my 'corner of the loungeroom' had evolved into 'lovely bed' (but a bed nonetheless), a 'lovely desk' (No more computer on floor) and 'lovely set of shelves' that held basically all my belongings and clothes, etc. Now I always shower in the morning, it's how I wake myself up because I am the worst waking up person in the world (citation needed). The ritual involves dragging half awake self out of bed, grabbing towel + clothes sitting on top of 'lovely computer desk' and then heading to shower, to wake up, get dressed and start day. This ritual is still used to this day. Now I am 90% sure the night before I stayed up extra late playing Natural Selection (half life mod) and therefore when I decided to sleep, I didn't lay out all my clothes. Now, morning me isn't a thinker, so I went to the bathroom with just a towel and boxers - the shower happened, and I trundled back to my 'room' in boxer shorts to grab the rest of my clothes. Upon entering the 'living area' (the 'lounge room' is open and basically the opposite end is the kitchen, including her 'computer area' which lived on a kitchen bench) she turned to see me in my boxers, and screamed 'WHAT THE gently caress.' and recoiled in horror. I am confused as poo poo and desperately try to discover what testicle is hanging out, menacing her, or what secret erection is threatening her. Nothing. Just modest boxer shorts. She kicks up a massive stink about me advancing on her, naked, and how she is mortified and 'This will get you kicked out for sure, you disgusting pervert.' I apologise for not being fully clothed, and get dressed, trying to explain what had happened and desperately trying to understand what is going on/what her problem is. Seems the long and short of it is, she believes I was intending to force myself on her - as communicated by my lack of a shirt. (before you ask, I did double check - the boxers don't have some witty saying like 'I am going to rape you', I am pretty sure they were just purple satin). In the end I give up trying to follow her trail of logic, and head out to look for work. On my way out she swears I will be kicked out of the house for this, and I should quit looking for work, and look for a new house instead. I spend the day hoping I don't get kicked out, and return home to find... She has strung a sheet up. She has suspended a line of twine across the lounge room, and draped a giant sheet on it (a clean one, gently caress knows where it came from) in some effort to create a forth wall for my 'room'. She was out at the time, so I just accept it and get on with my night of browsing the net and chatting. When she eventually get home, she explains she put up the sheet so she didn't need to see me being a disgusting pervert, and that the 'house people' consider this strike two. I ask what 'strike one' was and she says it was 'Lying on my lease form saying I was a woman.' Which, again, didn't happen - considering I filled out the form, in person, with my lovely facial hair present and penis tucked safely in my pants, but never-the-less, present. The next day I call the house people and ask if I was on any kind of warning system, and they explain she has complained a lot about past tenants, and that I should try and be sensitive to her nature, and they understand she probably exaggerated. So I sigh and hang up the phone thinking 'Oh well, at least I am not on the street.' I hoped that maybe that would be the last outward craziness from Rachel, and figured she would go back to actively ignoring me and we could co-exist on either sides of the sheet. But I was wrong. Rachel has decided this means war, and I HAD to go. ...I'll write more later, need to figure out what came first, the lies or the sabotage. Edit: oh wow, this post is huge. Sorry people with short lunch breaks wanting a dose of crazy. a cock shaped fruit fucked around with this message at 02:41 on Aug 24, 2012 |
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Aug 24, 2012 02:22
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Don't apologize, this is great, and your writing style is perfectly accessible.
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Aug 24, 2012 02:35
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| # ? Jun 5, 2024 11:35 |
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Threads like these really make those of us with nothing but normal housemates really count our blessings. I went through my mental Rolodex of crazy people I've known (not just known of), came up empty, and, I'm not gonna lie, it felt pretty awesome.
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Aug 24, 2012 03:10
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