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ddinkins112 posted:There was a quiet little Californian saloon, a rarity in the lawless times of the Wild West. One day, however, the locals received word that a mighty mountain of a man, a bandit named Big John, was on his way to town. Big John had a fearsome reputation, having robbed countless trains and killed many a sheriff. The townspeople in the saloon were on edge. This was posted last page
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Jan 10, 2013 00:11
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A travelling salesman is driving through a small town in Nebraska when he decides to stop in at the local bar for a few drinks. He ends up at the end of the bar next to an older man with a filthy orange coat. The older man looks at him and says, "You're not from around here, are you?" "No, I'm afraid not," the salesman replies. The old man turns to him. "Did you see a well on your way into town?" The salesman thinks, and remembers seeing an old well covered in vines and foliage. "Yeah, I saw it, why?" The old man laughs. "Twenty years ago, I dug that well fifty feet down with my own two hands, and saved the town from dyin' of thirst in the hottest summer we've every seen. But nobody remembers it. Do you think they call me Ted the Well-Digger around here?" "Well, they should," says the salesman. "They should, but the don't. Not a one." The old man turns back to his drinks, the salesman back to his. An hour or so pass, when the old man turns back to the salesman. "Hey boy, did you see a huge tree stump on your way in?" The salesman thinks, and remembers seeing a massive tree stump, splintered and cracked at the end, like it has snapped off. "Yeah, what about it?" The old man laughs. "Forty years ago, I hammered against that tree with my own two hands until it snapped right off, and broke it into firewood for the whole town during the coldest winter we've ever seen. But nobody remembers it. Do you think they call me Ted the Tree-Smasher around here?" "Don't they?" says the salesman. "They should, but they don't. Not a one." Both return to their drinks. They continue to drink in silence, and by this point the salesman has gotten pretty drunk, when the old man turns back to him. "Did you see the town hall on your way in?" The salesman thinks, and remembers seeing a huge old building. "Sure did, why?" The old man laughs. "Fifty years ago, I build that entire hall with my own two hands. Every inch, and that place hasn't lost a single shingle or brick since. But nobody remembers it. Do you think they call me Ted the Hall-Builder around here?" "I should think so!" the salesman says. "You're a legend!" "I should be, sonny, but I'm not. Nobody calls me that. Not a one." With that, he downs his drink and walks out of the bar. At this point, the salesman is reeling. He's never met anyone like the old man in his life, and his outrage at the town's lack of thankfulness convinces him to tell the man's story to the world. Unfortunately, he's so drunk he can't remember the man's name, so when the bartender comes over, he shouts "Who was the man who was just in here?" "I dunno, buddy, a lotta guys come through here," the bartender says. The salesman thinks. "He's the one who dug the well and saved everyone from the drought!" The bartender scoffs. "I don't remember anything like that, son. You're gonna hafta tell me something else." The salesman struggles to remember. "He's the one who smashed down that massive tree and made firewood for the whole town!" The bartender squints at him. "My memory's a bit hazy, man. Any other clues?" The salesman is practically sweating trying to remember more details. "He's the one who build the town hall with his own two hands!" The bartender laughs. "Son, I've been in this town my whole life, and I got no idea who you're talking about." The salesman is fuming, and shouts "The man with the orange coat, you ungrateful idiot!" The bartender stops and thinks for a second, before his face lights up, and he says "Oh, you mean Ted the Goat-Fucker?"
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Jan 10, 2013 01:36
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Actually read one on a Popsicle that made me laugh: I always bring two pairs of pants golfing, just in case I get a hole in one!
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Jan 10, 2013 02:00
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HOW COULD YOU posted:This was posted last page It was? I'm sorry, but I didn't see it and I don't see it today. Oh well, I'll try again: The CIA was interested in training its three newest recruits for a dangerous espionage operation. So the director devised a test for them. There were two men and a woman; each was handed a handgun and led to a door. The CIA director ordered the first man to approach the door. "Seated in a chair behind that door is your wife," explained the director. "You must go inside and shoot her with the gun in your hand." Gulping nervously, the man stepped inside. The director closed the door behind him. Moments later, he burst out of the room in tears. "I can't shoot my wife! I'm not fit for this assignment!" He dropped his gun and ran outside. The second man was given the same instruction. He, too, nervously approached the door and went inside. There, too, was his wife in the room. Moments later, he burst out of the room in tears. "That's my wife! I can't kill her! Find somebody else to do the mission!" He fled the scene. Finally, the woman was told to step forward. The director explained that her husband was seated behind the door in the room, and that she must kill him. Without hesitation, she entered the room. The director waited. A few minutes later the woman emerged from the room. "You didn't tell me that the guns were loaded with blanks! I had to beat that bastard to death with the chair!"
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Jan 10, 2013 03:01
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A blonde walked into a bar. You would've thought she'd seen it.
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Jan 10, 2013 03:14
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Yesterday I went to a theater production about puns. It was cool, basically just a play on words.
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Jan 10, 2013 17:37
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Dr Snofeld posted:I'd prefer it if we kept homophobic, racist etc. jokes to a minimum, please. I like to think I'm a pretty open guy, but if I found out that 2 of my brothers and my wife were all gay, I'd be pretty shocked. That might be because I've only got one brother and I'm not married, though.
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Jan 10, 2013 18:23
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I've always found the best way to tell necrophilia jokes is in dead ernest.
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Jan 10, 2013 19:15
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What happened when the waiter got caught with his hand in the dishwasher? They both got fired. -- A baloon man, a talking crocodile and a man with a chicken head walk into a bar. The Policeman says "Sir, I'm placing you under arrest for posession of class A hallucogenics." -- Three men are trying to decide which pub to spend the night in, when they notice one whose name plate only read "Queen's", with the other half being too worn to be read. The first wonders aloud "I wonder if it's called the Queen's Nose. You know, for good luck?" The second replies "Maybe it's the Queen's arms. Anyway lads, should we head in?" So as they go and order drinks, the third asks the bartender "So what is the name of this pub, anyway?" "It's called the Queen's legs, 'cause that's where the drinks come from." -- An alcoholic walks into a library and asks for a book to help his addiction. The bartender replies "Stop coming here for a start- the library is two doors down." -- Barehanded Brother posted:I've always found the best way to tell necrophilia jokes is in dead ernest. Last necrophilia joke was told pg49-little late there, dude. Trollhawke has a new favorite as of 20:12 on Jan 10, 2013 |
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Jan 10, 2013 19:39
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That pub joke isn't really much of a joke unless you tell it like this: There were two men sitting on a wall outside a pub called the Queen's Legs. A policeman came along and said, “What are you doing?” The two men said, “We're were wating for the Queen's Legs to open so we can have a drink.”
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Jan 10, 2013 19:59
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tehloki posted:That pub joke isn't really much of a joke unless you tell it like this: Huh. Never heard that one before. Thanks - I'll try that one some time. Joke: A junior lawyer wins his first trial, and sends a texts to his senior saying "Justice was Served." The senior lawyer replies "Appeal immediately."
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Jan 10, 2013 20:15
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Trollhawke posted:little late there, dude.
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Jan 10, 2013 20:52
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What do you call an Irishman who sits out in the backyard all day? Paddy O'Furniture.
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Jan 10, 2013 20:53
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Barehanded Brother posted:I've always found the best way to tell necrophilia jokes is in dead ernest. I always like cannibal jokes in a deadpan.
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Jan 10, 2013 20:56
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What's worse than getting a pregnant elephant in the back of a taxi? Getting an elephant pregnant in the back of a taxi
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Jan 10, 2013 21:13
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I didn't see this in the last ten pages, and it's one of my very favorites. I'm of the opinion that jokes shouldn't be funny so much as painful to everybody listening. Little Jimmy was excited for his first day of fifth grade. His first class of the day was math, and the teacher handed out textbooks, instructing the students to carefully look through them and report any damage so they wouldn't get a fine at the end of the year. Little Jimmy leafed through the pages when a purple flower fell out of the book and onto his desk. He raised his hand, and said, "Teacher, I found this purple flower-" but before he could finish, the teacher covered her mouth, horrified and bellowed "JIMMY! I had heard you were a good student! I can't believe you're doing this on the very first day of school! You need to go to the principal's office, right now!" Not sure what had just happened, Jimmy nonetheless sulked off into the principal's office. The secretary was surprised to see him there, but since he had a reputation as a good young boy, she figured he wasn't in any trouble and asked if she could help him. "Well," he began, "I was just going through my math textbook because I didn't want to be fined at the end of the year. I found a purple flower and the teacher got real mad and sent me here. Do you know what's with that purple flower?" Tears welled up in the secretary's eyes. "Oh, Jimmy..." she said "I don't know what happened this summer to change you, but you aren't the boy we knew. You're lucky they've outlawed capital punishment or I would be tanning your hide right now. The principal is out checking lockers, but you better go see him right away." Confused and more than a little angry, Jimmy left the office and found the principal in the hall. "Hey there, Jim!" said the principal. He knew all his favorite students by name. "It's good to see you, but shouldn't you be in class?" Jimmy knew the principal as a kind and reasonable man, so he hoped to get to the bottom of this. "Mr. Principal, I'm actually in trouble but I don't know why. I was going through my math textbook because I didn't want to be fined at the end of the year. I found a purple flower and the teacher got real mad and sent me to your office. Then when I told the secretary my story, she also got really mad, threatened to hurt me, and then sent me to you. What's up with that purple flower?" Losing himself in a burst of rage, the principal grabbed Jimmy by the collar of his shirt and slammed him against the lockers, a murderous gleam in his eye. He quickly came to his senses, however, and set the terrified Jimmy down. "So this is how it is, Jimmy?" the principal snarled. "There's nothing I hate more than to see a promising kid throw his life away. You're expelled from school for the rest of your life, Jimmy. Effective immediately. I don't want to see your face ever again." And with that, the principal sent Jimmy away with a swift kick in the rear. Sobbing and more confused than ever, Jimmy walked the five miles to his house. When he got home, he was relieved to see his mother washing dishes in the kitchen. "Jimmy?" she exclaimed when he came through the door. "Why aren't you in school?" Jimmy hugged his mom tight and told her his story. "Mom, I was just going through my math textbook because I didn't want to be fined at the end of the year. I found a purple flower and the teacher got real mad and sent me to the office. Then when I told the secretary what happened, she got really mad, threatened to hurt me, and sent me to the principal. When I told him my story, he slammed me into the lockers, expelled me for life, and kicked me out, literally! Mom, what's up with that purple flower?" His mother couldn't believe what she was hearing. She pried Jimmy off of her, dumped half a bottle of dish soap in his mouth, and ran scalding water down his throat until all the suds had left. Jimmy was screaming in agony, but his mom was too angry to care. "Let that be a lesson to you, you cretin. I wish you'd never have been born. Now go to your room and just you wait until your father gets home." Jimmy cried into his pillow for the next few hours until he heard his dad's car in the driveway. After a muffled exchange downstairs, his father came into his room and said "Jimmy, I believe you have something to tell me?" Jimmy rolled over, barely choking the words out between his crying and his ruined throat. "Dad, I was just going through my math textbook because I didn't want to be fined at the end of the year. I found a purple flower and the teacher got real mad and sent me to the office. Then when I told the secretary what happened, she got really mad, threatened to hurt me, and sent me to the principal. When I told him what happened, he slammed me into the lockers, expelled me for life, and kicked me out, literally! Then I walked home and told mom, and she nearly drowned me in soap and hot water and sent me to my room. Dad, what's up with that purple flower?" Jimmy's father punched him so hard, he went flying out his bedroom window. He laid on the lawn in agony, his eye swelling up and dozens of cuts from shards of glass covering his body. Just before he passed out, he heard one last thing from his father. "I no longer have a son. I'd get walking if I were you, kid, before I call the cops on you for trespassing." When Jimmy came to, he was in a holding cell at the county courthouse. Watching him on the other side of the bars was the local sheriff, a respected community man who had been a friend to Jimmy and his family as long as he'd known him. "Morning, Jimmy!" said the sheriff, "You look like you've been through hell, son. Your dad called us to pick you up, but didn't say anything else. If you feel like talking, you want to tell me what happened?" Jimmy sat up in his cell, and slowly nodded. He couldn't believe what was happening, but the sheriff was a good friend, almost like a second dad, so he felt he could trust him. "Sheriff, I was just going through my math textbook because I didn't want to be fined at the end of the year. I found a purple flower and the the teacher got real mad and sent me to the office. Then when I told the secretary what happened, she got really mad, threatened to hurt me, and sent me to the principal. When I told him what happened, he slammed me into the lockers, expelled me for life, and kicked me out, literally! Then I walked home and told mom, and she nearly drowned me in soap and hot water and sent me to my room. When I told dad, he punched my face so hard I went flying out the window, and then he disowned me and I guess also had me arrested. Sheriff, what's up with that purple flower?" The sheriff looked at Jimmy like you would look at poo poo on your shoe. The next thing Jimmy knew, the sheriff and several other policemen had burst into the cell and were beating him into the ground with their batons, and then took turns shocking him with tazers. After what seemed like several hours of this torture, Jimmy was left alone until a couple of men in black suits and sunglasses picked him up and began dragging him, bloody and bruised, out of the courthouse and into a black car. Several hours later, Jimmy realized he had been taken to Washington, D.C. Much to his surprise, the car pulled up to the White House, where the President was waiting to greet him. The men in suits dragged him out of the back seat of the car and flung him to the ground before the President. Jimmy couldn't feel his legs, so he shakily propped himself up on his knees. "Jimmy," the President said, "Explain yourself." Jimmy, dead inside and not caring what happened to him at this point, started from the beginning. "Mr. President, I was just going through my math textbook because I didn't want to be fined at the end of the year. I found a purple flower and the teacher got real mad and sent me to the office. Then when I told the secretary what happened, she got really mad, threatened to hurt me, and sent me to the principal. When I told him what happened, he slammed me into the lockers, expelled me for life, and kicked me out, literally! Then I walked home and told mom, and she nearly drowned me in soap and hot water and sent me to my room. When I told dad, he punched my face so hard I went flying out the window, and then he disowned me and had me arrested. Then when I told the sheriff what happened, he and a bunch of his cop buddies brutalized me for hours and turned me over to you. Mr. President, what's up with that purple flower?" The President looked down at Jimmy and reflexively spat on his face. "I thought it might be something like that," said the President. "Here's what's going to happen, Jimmy. Effective immediately, you are a traitor to these great United States. You are exiled from this country, and if you are seen again you will be shot on sight. We've made arrangements to get you on a plane to Mexico. After that, you're on your own. Have a nice life, scumbag." The events of the last day swirled in Jimmy's young, confused mind. If he was a dead man walking anyways, he wanted answers. "Mr. President!" he managed to shout, "Fine, I'll leave, but first I really want to know what's up with that purple flower! If for no other reason than to not make this mistake again!" The President was in deep thought for a moment, but finally he looked up and said, "Fair enough. Your plane leaves in two hours. Until then, go to the Library of Congress. In the basement you will find a hidden door in a dark corner. Behind that you will find a mysterious dark room with a mysterious old man. He will tell you everything you need to know about...that thing." Elated, a rush of adrenaline caused Jimmy to leap to his feet, and he wasted no time in making his way to the Library of Congress. He tore down the sidewalk until there, across the street, was the library building. He began to sprint across when BAM! Poor Jimmy was flattened by a bus. The moral of the story is, "Look both ways before crossing the street."
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Jan 10, 2013 22:29
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edit: poo poo, posted the same joke as earlier in the thread 
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Jan 11, 2013 06:16
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What's long and purple and makes women scream? SIDS.
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Jan 11, 2013 06:23
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Barehanded Brother posted:I've always found the best way to tell necrophilia jokes is in dead ernest. Argh, earnest or Ernest! Raitzeno posted:I always like cannibal jokes in a deadpan. I prefer tongue-in-cheek. How many freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, one to put the lightbulb in place and the other to hold his penis.. father!.. LADDER!!
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Jan 11, 2013 16:49
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How many Saiyans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, but first he has to scream at it for three episodes.
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Jan 12, 2013 18:50
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I had an amazing joke about the Jones Town Massacre, but the punch-line was too long.
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Jan 12, 2013 19:04
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A teenage boy is sitting at a bus stop, smoking a cigarette. An old lady passing by notices this, and decides to lecture the boy. "Why are you smoking? Don't you know how disgusting and unhealthy that is? Your parents should be ashamed!" The boy replies "Actually, my grandad lived to 91 years old!" The lady snaps back "Really? Did HE smoke like a chimney too?" The boy answers: "No... he just minded his own loving business!"
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Jan 15, 2013 15:08
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So this gay deer just walks out of this bar and exclaims 'drat! Can't believe I just blew fifty bucks!'
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Jan 30, 2013 21:16
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Just witness the armed robbery of a truck full of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night?
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Jan 31, 2013 16:46
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Two old ladies are sitting on a bench, smoking cigarettes. It starts to rain. One of the old ladies reaches into her purse, pulls out a condom, clips off the end and slides it over her cigarette. The other old lady is intrigued. "What is that?" she asks. "It's a condom, I get them down at the drug store. They keep my cigarettes dry!" The old lady is amazed by this brilliant idea. She walks down to the nearest drugstore and goes up to the clerk. "I'd like to buy some condoms!" The clerk is a little shocked by this old woman asking for condoms. "Well, we have a large variety. What kind would you like?" The old lady thinks for a bit then says "Oh, I don't care, just so long as it can fit a camel!"
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Jan 31, 2013 17:13
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Sam is getting married to his sweetheart. His best man is his friend Josh. Later, at the reception, he can't seem to find his wife. Looking around, he notices that Josh is missing as well. Looking everywhere he checks the bedroom, and finds Josh on the bed plowing away at his new wife. Sam quietly closes the door, tiptoes down the stairs, and tells everyone "Everybody! Oh my god, but Josh is SO DRUNK, he thinks he's me!"
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Feb 6, 2013 19:21
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What's the worst thing you can hear in a Sex Ed class? Hi, I'm Todd Akin, I'm going to be your instructor today... What's the worst thing you can hear next? This is going to be a hands-on class...
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Feb 14, 2013 06:38
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The Ghost Writer posted:Sam is getting married to his sweetheart. His best man is his friend Josh. Am I missing something or is this really not funny at all? Probably get probated since I can't think of any good jokes myself but just wondering if I'm missing something.
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Feb 14, 2013 07:06
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reni89 posted:Am I missing something or is this really not funny at all? At the wedding reception, the groom finds his wife cheating on him with the best man. Because of his naiveté, rather that being horrified, he finds amusement in the fact that, to his knowledge, the reason Josh is doing this is because he has been drinking so much alcohol that he is drunk enough to forget who he is, and is doing the things that the groom would do. The joke is that the groom is stupid. The joke was funny to me
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Feb 14, 2013 07:19
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huh, ok then.
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Feb 14, 2013 07:21
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trapped mouse posted:At the wedding reception, the groom finds his wife cheating on him with the best man. Because of his naiveté, rather that being horrified, he finds amusement in the fact that, to his knowledge, the reason Josh is doing this is because he has been drinking so much alcohol that he is drunk enough to forget who he is, and is doing the things that the groom would do. The joke is that the groom is stupid. The joke was funny to me This incredibly straightforward explanation of the joke is actually funnier than the joke and this thread needs more of these.
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Feb 14, 2013 07:27
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If you insist. How many members of a given minority group does it take to change a light bulb? X. One to change the bulb, and the rest to say something or behave in a manner stereotypical of that group.
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Feb 14, 2013 16:25
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Jedit posted:If you insist.
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Feb 14, 2013 16:31
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Splicer posted:The joke is that "lightbulb" jokes are one of a variety of jokes often used to mock ethnic, religious, or cultural groups. The author has created a generic template based on the common form of these, which is instantly recognisable as a reference to this brand of humour while not actually containing one of these jokes itself. This lack of joke is the joke. This is often refereed to as "Meta-humour". How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just two. But you gotta wonder how they got in there in the first place. You see, with typical "light bulb" jokes, the expected meaning of "screw in" is to replace a burned out light bulb buy replacing it in the socket, which usually requires the light bulb to be twisted into the socket, much like a screw. However, in this joke, the teller supplants that concept with "screw in" meaning "to have sex within" completely upsetting the listeners expectations.
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Feb 14, 2013 16:37
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I am suddenly full of regret.
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Feb 15, 2013 00:18
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tehloki posted:I am suddenly full of regret. Look upon your work, ye mighty, and despair.
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Feb 15, 2013 00:57
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tehloki posted:I am suddenly full of regret. This affirmation plays on a previous post of the same poster, that stated: tehloki posted:This incredibly straightforward explanation of the joke is actually funnier than the joke and this thread needs more of these. After stating the aforementioned, a series of posters in this same thread started overexplaining other jokes in a straightforward manner, leading tehloki to state that his desire for more posts in that vein was misguided - for reasons not stated, but probably regarding a lack of humor, even if unintentional, in many of the posts - in an exaggerated manner. Okay, I think we're done with that layer of meta now.
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Feb 15, 2013 01:20
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Oh man I've got some loving funny jokes, hope you guys are ready: Q: Why does greek yogurt think it's better than regular yogurt? A: Because it's more cultured. Q: What do you call someone who helps steal McDonald's hamburgers? A: Hamburglar Helper ahahahaha
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Feb 15, 2013 02:02
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Jedit posted:If you insist. Chess players: Two. One to change it, one to complain about the lighting and withdraw from the tournament in a huff. White Anglo-Saxon Protestants: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. Martians: There is no conclusive evidence of life on Mars, and if it did exist, it would be of such a low order that it could not grasp the concept of electricity nor would it be able to utilize electricity in any fashion. edit: drat, I already told the martian one. Sorry for the repeat.
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Feb 15, 2013 02:35
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dee eight posted:White Anglo-Saxon Protestants: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. That's yuppies. The answer for WASPs is "One.  " How many lifestyle gurus does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change. How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb? CHANGE??? How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Fish! How many tournament poker players does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One makes a raise, and the other pushes it all the way in. And one that the British will understand: How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the bulb, the other to drive him up from Surrey.
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Feb 15, 2013 17:52
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