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cuntvalet posted:Not to sperg up this thread (and i could be wrong, I am not a mortician) but I don't think (again as far as i know...) popping boners posthumously is a thing that happens. Usually if somebody dies they die laying down, the blood pools in the back. When rigor mortis sets in, muscles stiffen, and while there are muscles at the base of the penis there aren't any in the actual organ. Leaving it floppy, floppy, floppy. I'm mostly going from Paul Barber's Vampires, Burial and Death, which is an absolutely awesome book that relates folkloric vampires to the changes in a dead body as it decays - I can't recommend it too highly, but you do need a fairly strong stomach for it. Fascinating stuff though.
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Jan 16, 2013 18:08
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Question Mark Mound posted:Vampire hobbits? Every time I think about blood swollen feet I want to pass out a little. I don't know if you made it better or worse but I laughed. Oh god, who wants to bet that actually exists in fandom somewhere?
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Jan 16, 2013 18:09
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Devious Vacuum posted:I wanted the thread to come back, but not like this! So what's going on in that picture? Also that Lestat killing his actor one, what did you think of Tom Cruise being cast in Interview at the time?
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Jan 16, 2013 18:10
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Runcible Cat posted:Rigor mortis isn't the last thing that happens to dead bodies, though. When decomposition kicks in bodies swell up from the gases and, well, swelling. You can fill in the blanks. Yup I know rigor mortis (my phone keeps trying to autocorrect to Roger Morris) isn't the last step at all. You get flaccidity, bloat, skin slip... Basically if vampires existed at all they either don't follow laws of decomp at all or would be completely disgusting and not charming at all. Though they have super healing powers right...?
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Jan 16, 2013 18:14
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IIRC, the WoD games answered this by saying that, much how vampires could use their magic blood powers to fake a blush, and other such living-people things, they could also use them to give themselves vampire-zombie boners. Please don't ask me why I know that.  ...more ridiculous fan-art please!
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Jan 16, 2013 18:30
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Mind Loving Owl posted:So what's going on in that picture? Oh yeah, all these pictures are going to be kind of obtuse to people who didn't read the books, which is why they are not the finale! Y'all can post any of them in the thread and I'll sperg about them for you though. In The Queen of the Damned, Jesse Reeves, the main mortal protagonist, joins EDIT: Re: Tom Cruise, I like his portrayal of Lestat. I think Stuart Townsend did a good job of capturing the character, too, even though he didn't look like him and was given the worst script ever. I never thought Tom Cruise was very sexy as Lestat, but his Lestat is by far the most fabulous and probably my favorite of the two. Devious Vacuum fucked around with this message at 18:35 on Jan 16, 2013 |
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Jan 16, 2013 18:31
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cuntvalet posted:Not to sperg up this thread (and i could be wrong, I am not a mortician) but I don't think (again as far as i know...) popping boners posthumously is a thing that happens. Usually if somebody dies they die laying down, the blood pools in the back. When rigor mortis sets in, muscles stiffen, and while there are muscles at the base of the penis there aren't any in the actual organ. Leaving it floppy, floppy, floppy. Corpse Boners are a thing. And not just huge
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Jan 16, 2013 18:44
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P.S. STILL COMPLETELY DEVOID OF MERIT
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So now with work done, time to deliver on those stories. A fictional tiger lady tried to seduce me. True story. So this happens about two years ago. I've met up online with Kry and a few others from a previous project to try and reboot a series we'd worked on before. Partly because we wanted to say gently caress you to the director of that previous project, as he'd thrown a hissy fit and taken down and deleted our hard work as a way to get back at us. To my knowledge the only thing we didn't manage to save was the only episode I was in. So it goes. But! We'd banded together to make a new plot mimicking the first but without all the rubbish stuff he'd put in. So it was totally going to be awesome guys. Trust me  Kry had taken the role of director and since I was the only one not too lazy to write, I started jotting down minutes for the meetings and then writing them up in word. I noticed at one of the meetings that Kry was being unusually quiet and sullen, so I asked her what was up after the meeting. That was the first of many mistakes I would make. The person that answered me back said her name was Aletheia and that Kry would be unavalible because she was in a stasis cocoon to recover from being attacked. Now I'd quite forgotten about the other personalities I'd talked to, so it took me a little while to realise what was going on. So I asked what the gently caress she was talking about. It seems Kry had been having some trouble with one of her friends, who we'll call The Dragon (Who, as with most things, we will get to later) and needed to be brainwashed back into being herself, you know, as you do. I began to ask questions, the first being "are you high?" but eventually I began to make some headway. It seems Kry believed in a world of spirits, where all manner of things exist and can affect the physical world. For simplistic sake, I'll be reffering to "bullshit magic land" as Spirit-side because apparently no one thought to name the sodding place. Spirit-side was where Aletheia and a host of other personalities lived and fought to protect Kry from everything ever. These personalities would often 'possess' people or her to enact some diabolical scheme and only a brave (read: Stupid) few stood in their way. Most of these machinations revolved around Kry. In fact everything revolved around Kry. As I began to learn more it became apparent that everything bad, evil, or mearly misguided needed Kry for some reason to complete their objectives. Whether it was to possess her to kill someone, steal her powers, ruin her life for no apparent reason, or own her as a sex slave. I was glad it wasn't a video call because the look of disbelief on my face would have silenced her immediately, but apparently she took my silence as permission to continue. Their current enemies (Of which there were many) included a fairy called Maverik, Phanuel (some kind of dude who made evil masks. Never really got an good idea of what he was), oh and the Arc Angel Michael. Yes, that's right. God himself had put her on his kill list.  Now, as I came to understand it, Kry had begun to believe all this stuff when she was 7 and walked through a "white thing" which she believed was a spirit. Over the years she saught out people to talk to confide in about this. Any time anyone got involved, they added their own law to the mix and from it drama was born! So any time anyone came to try and help snap her out of this or deal with her spirit-side problems, they invariable created a new threat that wanted Kry for some reason. I of course didn't know this, so hoo boy was I in for a treat. By this point I think I'd be questioning and taking notes on spirit-side for a month, there was a lot to get down and Now, Aletheia was down because her current Pet wasn't following her orders and she'd had to dump him. Now she was feeling alone and miserable and didn't know what to do with herself now she didn't have someone to cyber with all day. I distinctly remember there was just this sudden pause in the conversation on her end followed by a spine chilling "hey... you're single right?" Now by this point Kry and her boyfriend were still together. In fact they were better then that. They were engaged. Aletheia wanted me to become her new pet. I was being asked to cyber cheat with the spirit of a tiger lady interacting with me through the body of someone's fiancé. My head just span trying to work out the moral implications of that one. I mean... Jesus... But that was just the beginning of my troubles... More next time. ---- Unfortunately The Day We Killed God will have to wait till tomorrow, as will the rest of the above story as I need to be up in six and a half hours for work. Hopefully the above story will tide you all over till then. If there are things people are curious about. Please feel free to ask about them. I know it's not the most structured story ever but it's hard to figure out what I can tell you without having to go into a half hours worth of text to fill you in with vital back story information to make any of this poo poo make sense.
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Jan 17, 2013 01:36
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cuntvalet posted:Oh god, who wants to bet that actually exists in fandom somewhere? Vampire hobbit stuff definitely exists, sadly enough. I spent a period in my wasted youth looking up terrible post-movie LotR fanfic (mostly slash), and there was a subgenre of vampire-hobbit material about which I thankfully remember very little. It's out there, though.
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Jan 17, 2013 02:14
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JohnOfOrdo3 posted:tiger seduction I literally can't even begin to think of the directions this story might go. We'll wait for you, John. We'll wait for you until we're all seduced by astral tigers and taken up to be with the Lord.
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Jan 17, 2013 02:21
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Colon V posted:IIRC, the WoD games answered this by saying that, much how vampires could use their magic blood powers to fake a blush, and other such living-people things, they could also use them to give themselves vampire-zombie boners. Please don't ask me why I know that. I think it's also mentioned that WoD vampires don't get any pleasure from sex and basically just use it to socially manipulate people if they do it at all. Being a vampire isn't really supposed to be a happy or desirable state, but fetishists gonna fetishise.
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Jan 17, 2013 03:12
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Also I haven't read the books but second hand I heard that Anne Rice vampires were impotent but they had such sensitive senses of touch that everything gave them orgasms. That must be annoying.
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Jan 17, 2013 04:05
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Mind Loving Owl posted:Also I haven't read the books but second hand I heard that Anne Rice vampires were impotent but they had such sensitive senses of touch that everything gave them orgasms. That must be annoying. They eat a grape and they jizz in their pants.
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Jan 17, 2013 04:34
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We're in for a wild ride. Please never stop posting these.
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Jan 17, 2013 04:37
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Mind Loving Owl posted:Also I haven't read the books but second hand I heard that Anne Rice vampires were impotent but they had such sensitive senses of touch that everything gave them orgasms. That must be annoying. If memory serves, it was pretty much all their senses were turbocharged. I'm vaguely remembering someone's getting turned where they'e almost dazzled to stupidity over seeing art and touching fabrics.
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Jan 17, 2013 05:43
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In The Tale of the Body Thief, Lestat gets overwhelmed by the obnoxious carpeting on a cruise ship. To be fair, that happens to me sometimes too.
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Jan 17, 2013 06:38
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sweeperbravo posted:They eat a grape and they jizz in their pants. That would get old fast. Do you change your pants constantly? Wear rubber wading trousers and slosh around in your own jizm?
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Jan 17, 2013 07:38
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cuntvalet posted:Basically if vampires existed at all they ... would be completely disgusting and not charming at all. That was the original horror of vampires, before Bram Stoker kicked off the aristocratic vampire that led to Lestat and sparkly Mormon vampires and teen heart-throb status. (Though if the internet has taught me anything it's that there are people out there who'd still go for that...  )
Runcible Cat fucked around with this message at 10:53 on Jan 17, 2013 |
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Jan 17, 2013 10:49
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Runcible Cat posted:Yep! That's the point. They're dead bodies that want to gently caress. Dead bodies that want to climb in your window and gently caress you. Yeah, Bram Stoker managed to turn them into male power fantasies and female sexual fantasies, good job rear end in a top hat who couldn't even write an accent consistently.  But even his Dracula wasn't like, super hot all the time. There was no angst or tragedy about him, dude was all about    
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Jan 17, 2013 11:29
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sweeperbravo posted:We'll wait for you until we're all seduced by astral tigers and taken up to be with the Lord. All I can think of is this. I'm sorry.  Corridor posted:Yeah, Bram Stoker managed to turn them into male power fantasies and female sexual fantasies, good job rear end in a top hat who couldn't even write an accent consistently. My inner sperg that took a class on vampire folklore around the world, paying special attention to Slavic variants, is making me comment here. People like to look at Nosferatu and say "Yeah! THAT'S what vampires used to look like, back in the good ole days!" but they really, really didn't. If you actually read the folklore, vampires tended to just look like regular guys. Yeah, the signs if you were trying to dig one up were things like ruddiness, bloated body, and so forth, but if you actually met a vampire walking around, he just looked like a living dude, only, you know, he was supposed to have died a week ago. That's why you get all those stories about vampires resurrecting, moving to other villages, taking wives and having vampire babies. Many vampires WERE living people, actually - unlucky people who just happened to be born with a caul, or be the 7th son of a 7th son or something. The case can be made that the folkloric vampire, at least as far as many Slavic peoples thought of them, were actually much more human-like than we think of them today, post Anne Rice and Twilight. Then again, folklore does vary from region to region, and some are more monstrous and zombie-like. But you know what? They NEVER looked like Nosferatu. Rather than being based off folklore, Count Orlok's appearance was purposely designed to look like Now, if you want creepy, rapey, terrifying folkloric vampires, I'd personally go for the Penanggalan.
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Jan 17, 2013 13:46
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Not to burst your bubble, but half of your examples are almost certainly art for one of the World of DarknessBalqis posted:My inner sperg that took a class on vampire folklore around the world, paying special attention to Slavic variants, is making me comment here.
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Jan 17, 2013 16:27
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Also (because I just finished some errands and clearly have no life), the main reason vampires were scary in Slavic folklore doesn't have anything really to do with sex. Yeah, there was some mounting and what have you, but as someone stated above, this was probably done by widows trying to cover their asses after getting pregnant. No, the real fear was of sudden, inexplicable loss and death. Murders and epidemics were blamed on vampires. Eclipses were blamed on vampires (no seriously - giant, cosmic vampire dogs that literally ate the sun. It was an extensive, systematic way to explain unknowable horror, by peasants who didn't have the education to tell them that little bugs they couldn't see lived on their skin, or that they were siting on spinning orb dancing around a massive fireball. Sex didn't really start playing a role until the literary vampire rolled in. Not Dracula, but a bit older - think Carmilla, Varney the Vampire, and The Vampyre. The folkloric figure merged with the more familiar Western European tradition of the incubus, and then got infused with extract of Lord Byron. Thus, whether the vampire was implemented as a critique on the excesses of the aristocracy, or as way to discuss and confront the Victorian sex taboo, he/she suddenly got a whole lot sexier.
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Jan 17, 2013 17:06
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  READ THIS FIRST: * In a previous doodle, I had drawn this nonsense:   ... where Lestat sets Ron Weasley on fire with his mind! After feeding from the vampire queen Akasha, Lestat has basically telekinesis and pyrokinesis in the later books. It was just part of a one-off gag that wasn't really a comic, but I reference it in this! Quick Notes for Harry Potter fans who haven't read the Vampire Chronicles: * I drew this before we had seen the Ministry of Magic in the movies, I think before Half-Blood Prince was published? That's why it looks so silly. * The redheaded vampire is Jesse, and she works for the Talamasca, a paranormal society based in England * Anne Rice's witches, the Mayfair witches, are all inbred and weird and from Louisiana * Maharet is basically the queen vampire; she killed Akasha * Lestat's dad was pretty much a douche And with that, all of my old fanart has been posted! I have at least one more story to tell, though. Devious Vacuum fucked around with this message at 18:05 on Jan 17, 2013 |
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Jan 17, 2013 18:01
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So I'm back with more crazy stories. Yay  The Mirror, the Prison, The What The gently caress So, to continue where we left off. I was being seduced by the spirit of a tiger lady. I'll give you a little background about me, so you can see why I did what I did. I'd gone through high school without a worry, plenty of friends although none of them that close. When I graduated and moved up to college, I found the friends I'd had just move apart and suddenly I had none. So I became the long haired loner which I probably would have been in High school if it wasn't for the fact I was a novelty due to my identical twin brother. Then I went to university in a different city and knew nobody at all. So friendship is something I'd always craved. Unsurprisingly, I had also never been in a relationship, not for lack of trying mind you. So confronted by A) Someone interested in me and B) a secret world to which to belong so I could feel special. It's obvious what I did. I turned her down. Even I'm not desperate enough for something like that with someone who I was fairly certain only existed in a troubled girls mind. But... I was a nice, dumb, nieve kid. So I said instead that I would be her friend and make sure she didn't have to be sad. A companion is what we called it I believe, although that didn't stop her calling me Pet. What I hadn't realised was that she had decided that I was going to be her Pet whether I liked it or not. But first things first, I had to be introduced into the world. Now Kry was big into hypnotism, I later learned why, but for the moment I was completely oblivious. I was told it could be done through text, voice, or touch. With text being the weakest way to do it and touch being the strongest since it required you to be in the same room as your  Now one of the few friends I had at the time was an aspiring magician in the vein of Derran Brown (And a drat fine one too). Mental control and subconscious manipulation were subjects he was dead into. So I knew a little about hypnotism, like the fact it only worked on you if you believed in it. Kry believed in it. Kry believed in it so hard that she found it impossible to resist being hypnotised. So, there I am, nervous about this whole new world I'm being submerged in, but mostly nervous about failing to be hypnotised and then having this tiger lady be disappointed in me. That was my biggest worry. I'm like that. So we start with relaxation exercises, things like "imagining yourself lying on a beach, warmed by the sun" and I find, weirdly enough that I'm beginning to relax. I find myself concious enough to hear what she's saying and respond, but it feels quite distant and disconcerting, like I'm on the edge of sleep but there's a fly buzzing around the room somewhere keeping my attention instead of letting me slip into unconsciousness. You'll have to forgive me here, as my memory of this particular incident is vague at best due to the state I was in. She asked me questions and I answered truthfully, I'm fairly certain she slipped in a question about whether or not I was "into her". Another thing Kry believes heavily in is reincarnation, so while I was having my head poked around in, Aletheia started trying to see if she could find some clues to my past lives. My screen had switched itself off at this point, so I think I could see the mirror behind me. Because when she asked me to go deep into myself and tell me what I saw, I told her "Mirror". Well I say told, I more dribbled it. I was pretty far gone by this point and was pretty much asleep. Then... I don't know, I think some old stories I'd been writting popped into my head or something, added to the worry of disappointing Aletheia or being too boring to be allowed into the world (Yes that was a legitimate concern at the time from my point of view. I was a dumbass) So I started to babble in a hazy, half concious way about a book and a haunted town and some dreadful creature made by the book waiting inside the mirror. Then about how a man came for the book and how I was scared of him. He was from one of the two nightmares I actually remember. In the dream he just Was and then I died a terrible horrible death and didn't wake up until 10 seconds after I suddenly couldn't breath from being dead. Accompanied by a scream which echoed in my head and still makes my spine tingle thinking about it. (The other nightmare was how I was an ice dancing penguin being chased through my primary school by a t-rex. Man that dream was loving awesomely weird) Now, in that half concious state, I was apparently more emotionally open then I normally am because I began to cry at the thought of this loving nightmare guy and how he was coming to get the book but I was in the way. I was brought out of the haze by Aletheia to find myself an emotional wreck, crying and shaking like a new born. Now it was my turn to be comforted. I'd never felt closer to a person then that night, hugging my knees and just listening to a voice at the other end of the world shushing me gently and telling me it was going to be alright. And that was the start of how I became the victim of emotional abuse and blackmail for 1 and a half years of my life. Even now a days, looking back on the excuses I made like "But there are good days and when it's good it's really good" I feel myself cringe. The only thing different from an abusive relationship, was that there wasn't even a physical relationship at all. --- Next time I'll tell you what happened when we delved deeper into my mind. Because apparently, leaving me crying on the floor wasn't good enough. 
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Jan 17, 2013 22:21
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e: Holy poo poo ^^^^^Colon V posted:Not to burst your bubble, but half of your examples are almost certainly art for one of the World of Darkness They're from that Masquerade: Bloodlines game. I like the Nosferatu. I did know about the vampire myth/folklore stuff, I swear.  The point I was sorta making in a half-baked way is that before Anne Rice, vamps were generally scaryass monsters like demons or undead, abominations that you wanted either burned at the stake or just the gently caress away from you. There's one awesome type that's (I think) female, and is just normal until it rips itself in half at night and grows wings, and flies around drinking blood and eating babies, leaving its lower half just lying in bed. They're freakyass and weird! I love the poo poo out of folklore and the beautiful tragic doomed-to-immortality vampire is a massive pet peeve of mine.
Corridor fucked around with this message at 00:38 on Jan 18, 2013 |
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Jan 17, 2013 23:00
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Corridor posted:There's one awesome type that's (I think) female, and is just normal until it rips itself in half at night and grows wings, and flies around drinking blood and eating babies, leaving its lower half just lying in bed. They're freakyass and weird! I love the poo poo out of folklore and the beautiful tragic doomed-to-immortality vampire is a massive pet peeve of mine. Sounds like this  Balqis posted:Now, if you want creepy, rapey, terrifying folkloric vampires, I'd personally go for the Penanggalan. I love traditional folklore as well, and I kinda sad that the "beautiful" vampire is the only one in popular culture at the moment. At least in the Anita Blake books she tries to mix up different types based upon bloodline (beautiful sex vampires, nasty decomposing vampires, bland ordinary vampires). Yes, I admit that I've read all those books because once I start a series I have to keep reading it. I've even read all of the Twilight books because a "friend" of mine tricked me into reading the first one. 
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Jan 18, 2013 03:09
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treiz01 posted:You didn't happen to go to WL Seaton Secondary did you? Ha, haven't you been reading this thread? You know there is more than one person who would name their kid Lestat. I went to Lincoln College Prep. Another kid I knew in high school was this guy Dwayne, who wasn't really my friend, he was just sort of on the periphery of my personal social group. Pretty dorky, not very nice to me, but whatever, we didn't interact that much. I don't think he had a very good home life, he was always sort of the poor kid in bad clothes, and I think his mom may have died of a cancer while we were in school? Whatever, this isn't actually about Dwayne. It is about his dad. I never knew anything about the guy or saw him or anything until graduation night. Dwight's dad, this middle-aged dude who was obviously the dad of the poor kid with bad clothes, had a Star Wars Jedi Padawan haircut.  With the braid and everything. I don't know what happened to Dwayne's dad, because seven years later I attended my younger brother's graduation...turns out Dwayne's sister was also graduating! I looked for their dad but didn't see him. A quick perusal of facebook suggests that Dwayne is still kind of dorky and that he doesn't actually use facebook that often, but he looks happier in his recent pictures than I remember him being.
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Jan 25, 2013 04:45
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So...someone was kind of dorky. Thanks for sharing.
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Jan 25, 2013 05:06
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epenthesis posted:So...someone was kind of dorky. Thanks for sharing. Hey, don't discourage anyone from Just Posting.
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Jan 25, 2013 05:10
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epenthesis posted:So...someone was kind of dorky. Thanks for sharing. A disgusting Bad Star Wars haircut is always worth mentioning.
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Jan 25, 2013 06:09
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My husband confessed to me that he had a Padawan braid for a little while, right around when Phantom a menace came out  So then I confessed that I had one back then too...
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Jan 25, 2013 14:06
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epenthesis posted:So...someone was kind of dorky. Thanks for sharing. I think the point of the story was less about the slightly dorky kid, and more about the fact his dad had a padawan haircut.
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Jan 25, 2013 18:03
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I work in the inner city and our kids (all hispanic) have the padawan hair cut and are only vaguely aware of its presence in the movies.
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Jan 25, 2013 19:21
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JohnOfOrdo3 posted:The only thing different from an abusive relationship, was that there wasn't even a physical relationship at all. I don't know why anyone else hasn't jumped in and said this, but it doesn't have to be physical to be abuse or an abusive relationship. Trust me. Sometimes mental abuse can be far, far worse than physical. Not that I'm saying physical isn't terrible, nor am I saying it doesn't have a mental component or anything. I'm just saying that being broken down mentally and emotionally can leave scars so deep that you may not recover from them. Not every time but sometimes. I'd be delving into uncomfortable personal things to say more, so I'll just stop that poo poo right there. What I'm saying here is that your suffering was valid.
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Jan 26, 2013 00:03
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DicktheCat posted:I don't know why anyone else hasn't jumped in and said this, but it doesn't have to be physical to be abuse or an abusive relationship. Trust me. Sometimes mental abuse can be far, far worse than physical. Not that I'm saying physical isn't terrible, nor am I saying it doesn't have a mental component or anything. I'm just saying that being broken down mentally and emotionally can leave scars so deep that you may not recover from them. Not every time but sometimes. If you want to talk about it I'm a good listener. Although considering that offer was how I got into that stuff in the first place I should probably learn my lesson at some point. Still, thanks for the support.  I can at least say from my experience that thanks to my efforts Kry has improved a lot. I'd say that her life is even stable, she's got a job, her depression doesn't kick in as often or at least she's better at dealing with it. It might have been hell but I made it to the other side and it seemed I made a difference. Sure as hell isn't going to stop me bitching about it though
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Jan 26, 2013 01:19
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Paulywallywalrus posted:I work in the inner city and our kids (all hispanic) have the padawan hair cut and are only vaguely aware of its presence in the movies. Rat tails go back a long way before Star Wars.
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Jan 27, 2013 02:40
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Devious Vacuum posted:Won-Won. Won-Won made it solid gold.
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Jan 27, 2013 14:36
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Bonster posted:Rat tails go back a long way before Star Wars. Yeah, as a kid I associated them with rural or Southern kids that had dads with mullets. I remember seeing them a lot if I lingered on WWF too long.
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Jan 27, 2013 16:15
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The Padawan braid is behind the ear, though, not at the back like a rat tail. They also have a little ponytail thing at the back, but it's level with the tops of the ears, not hanging down from the bottom. ...I'm not even sure how I feel about myself after writing that.
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Jan 27, 2013 18:16
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RazorBunny posted:The Padawan braid is behind the ear, though, not at the back like a rat tail. They also have a little ponytail thing at the back, but it's level with the tops of the ears, not hanging down from the bottom. The kids I work with wear it like the star war style would be. I don't see any rat tails in the inner city except on little kids whose parents don't cut their kids hair. Actually, one of guys I have become close to told me he had this hair style all through high school and only recently (within the last three months) saw the first star war movie and was kinda shocked to see his hair style. He also saw star wars as nerdy and has ceased to have the hair style.
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Jan 28, 2013 16:32
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