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OP, would you like information on Americorps? I am a current member and you're welcome to post and ask or PM.Fatkraken posted:to reiterate Also, this. Should Danny have been verbally aggressive? No. Is that an excuse for your mother to hit him? No. If he had gone to hit your mother, then it would have been acceptable for her to hit him, IN SELF DEFENSE. But a person doesn't need to protect themselves from verbal assaults by using physical ones.
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Feb 3, 2013 19:30
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Staying in the house is your best solution. I can't believe people are suggesting you look into homeless shelters. It's a lovely situation, but there are much shittier alternatives. Do your best to work things out with your parents and make it as amicable as possible. But it's probably going to still suck and my best advice would be to keep your head down and just put your energy into improving your life and getting out of the house and on your own. Creating space between yourself and everyone else is probably a good thing too. Spend some extra time at the coffee shop, go for walks, do anything that gets you out of the house for periods of time. It sucks to have to bite your lip and be talked down to, but at this point it's necessary to reach the goals you've set for yourself.
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Feb 3, 2013 19:39
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Your uncle is wrong. Get out of that house. Get therapy.
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Feb 3, 2013 20:00
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Niwrad posted:Staying in the house is your best solution. I can't believe people are suggesting you look into homeless shelters. It's a lovely situation, but there are much shittier alternatives. It is because staying around toxic horrible people can really gently caress you up. Sometimes getting out of an abusive situation is best, even if the alternative is rough. Look at it this way, if OP was not this person's son, but instead husband, or hell let's reverse the genders, even wife - the advice would be to gtfo as quickly as possible. This behavior in a spouse would cause people to react vehemently, but there's a lot of forgiving going on because it's someone's parents. But parents can be in the wrong (sometimes dramatically so), and 'It's their house' is never a good excuse. Seriously she is violently abusive, and has been in jail for it, this is someone OP needs to get away from ASAP. You don't just stick around with someone who physically assaults you because hey, the rent is free! StrangersInTheNight fucked around with this message at 20:05 on Feb 3, 2013 |
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Feb 3, 2013 20:01
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StrangersInTheNight posted:Look at it this way, if OP was not this person's son, but instead husband, or hell let's reverse the genders, even wife - the advice would be to gtfo as quickly as possible. If I understand correctly, abusive partner relationships result in people telling the abused party to leave immediately primarily because such relationships can often end up with the abuser seriously injuring or even killing the abused party. That is, it's important for the abused person to escape because the abuse tends can escalate very quickly to extremely dangerous levels. Violence is abusive behavior, but his brother was also abusive toward her - if OP was a woman and her spouse regularly told her to go gently caress herself for being offended by something he liked, we'd be telling OP to get away from that person. But nobody has told him that his brother is abusive and that he should get away from his brother. If I recall correctly, OP said that this kind of behavior from his mom has only happened once before, suggesting that there isn't really a pattern of violent abuse that we have to worry about escalating. If the OP thinks he would be more comfortable in a homeless shelter, that's fine. But we should not decide for him that a shelter would be better than living with someone who responds to verbal abuse with physical abuse. I'm not saying that OP can't be harmed in other ways, or that his mother isn't abusing him in other ways through her controlling behavior, but it seems like OP doesn't have to worry about his mother buying a gun and threatening to cut him into pieces and feed him to alligators, or kill his pets, stalk him at work should he get a job, leave a line of chalk behind his tires when she leaves the house if he gets a car, etc. Taking her son's phone may be an attempt to exert control by cutting off his communication with other people. Or it may be an attempt to exert control by taking away his toy. The intent matters here - we would not decide that a parent is abusive for wanting to take their child's Wii as a punishment.
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Feb 3, 2013 20:19
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StrangersInTheNight posted:It is because staying around toxic horrible people can really gently caress you up. Sometimes getting out of an abusive situation is best, even if the alternative is rough. If the situation is loving him up so badly that he needs to get out, he should do it. Just saying that homeless shelters and similar alternatives are no picnic. As it stands he's got a free roof over his head, food on the table, internet, and other amenities. If he can avoid conflict and stay sane in the process, his best solution is to stay home until he can get out on his own and not look back.
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Feb 3, 2013 20:24
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Niwrad posted:Staying in the house is your best solution. I can't believe people are suggesting you look into homeless shelters. It's a lovely situation, but there are much shittier alternatives. I've applied to a job agency and a job at fedex. Next is McDonald's and Americorps. Starter Wiggin posted:OP, would you like information on Americorps? I am a current member and you're welcome to post and ask or PM. 
Benny the Snake fucked around with this message at 20:58 on Feb 3, 2013 |
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Feb 3, 2013 20:55
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Once you get a full time job and things at home still aren't optimal, You could save up and buy a cheap work Van and live in that for awhile, until you save up enough money. It's a suprisingly more sustainable way then trying to rent an apartment for yourself.
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Feb 3, 2013 21:03
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Please live in a van, OP.
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Feb 3, 2013 21:05
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Jizznastics posted:Once you get a full time job and things at home still aren't optimal, You could save up and buy a cheap work Van and live in that for awhile, until you save up enough money. It's a suprisingly more sustainable way then trying to rent an apartment for yourself.
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Feb 3, 2013 21:09
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That works to, but if you ever feel the walls closing in on you, going out and living without a permanent residence for a few months is a great way to save money, and its builds character.
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Feb 3, 2013 21:13
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Don't listen to Jizznastics. Never listen to Jizznastics about anything, ever. OK, here you go OP (and whoever else is interested): Americorps is an umbrella name for a bunch of programs. There are jobs where you do like office or teaching work, but you provide your own housing and food and transport. What I was suggesting was the NCCC branch. You basically volunteer for 10 months. They provide airfare out to one of their 5 bases (all US based). They give you group housing (like college dorms), you eat as a group with the food money they give you, and you do volunteer stuff. Rebuild houses, clear trails, and so on. I myself am involved in the FEMA branch, which is NCCC as well, but more focused on disaster relief projects. You get all training necessary for the job while there (CPR, first aid, chainsaw safety, etc.). You travel with your group within your service area (~10 states). You're paid a very small stipend. They provide a minimal health insurance. It looks awesome when applying for jobs. I'm unsure when the next application cycle ends, but I'll post some links to find out. And at the end, you're awarded a 5,000 dollar education award. You can use it to pay for school in the future, or to pay off student loans. Basic info: http://www.americorps.gov/about/programs/nccc.asp App for NCCC (closes April 1): https://my.americorps.gov/mp/listin...fromSearch=true App for FEMA NCCC (closes April 1): https://my.americorps.gov/mp/listin...fromSearch=true Starter Wiggin fucked around with this message at 21:23 on Feb 3, 2013 |
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Feb 3, 2013 21:14
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Fabulist posted:Wait, you skipped all warehouse work.. why, exactly? Warehouses today are not like they were whenever your father is thinking of. Nor are all warehouse jobs incredibly physical. Things are automated to a large degree, and there are generally unions who have tried to make sure you're not going to kill yourself. Check local jobs in warehouses out and see if there are any that you could see yourself doing. Not so much unions, but it's faster and easy to train up someone to run a forklift and move more poo poo than with pallet jacks. Might change if you are a "picker" but warehousing isn't that bad.
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Feb 3, 2013 21:33
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InterceptorV8 posted:Not so much unions, but it's faster and easy to train up someone to run a forklift and move more poo poo than with pallet jacks. Might change if you are a "picker" but warehousing isn't that bad.
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Feb 3, 2013 21:36
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Seeing as your dad is taking unemployment instead of taking a job from your uncle, maybe you shouldn't listen to his advice about jobs.
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Feb 3, 2013 22:12
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Ahh yes, living independtly while saving rear end loads of cash and avoiding messed up home life is a really dumb idea.
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Feb 3, 2013 22:13
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Benny the Snake posted:
Do you have access to a car? Pizza delivery is a great job for someone your age. I did it in my 20s and made pretty decent cash. Plus it was a lot of fun. If not and you want a fast food job(they suck but hey its a job) go in person and ask to talk to the manager/owner. Owner is best if possible. Those places are full of retard teenagers because they have to be. When some kid comes in and is actually bright and eager the owners fall all over themselves to hire them. A small independently owned place will be better than a franchise chain at least in my opinion. But I cant stress enough to go and talk to them in person. They are much more likely to hire you if they can put a face and personality to the job than just a resume sitting in a stack.
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Feb 3, 2013 23:03
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Posting this here so you don't look like a idiot: Proofread your job posting in the BFC thread that brags about your writing skills. I spotted two obvious errors in one read through it.
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Feb 3, 2013 23:35
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Ransom posted:Do you have access to a car? Pizza delivery is a great job for someone your age. I did it in my 20s and made pretty decent cash. Plus it was a lot of fun. reflex posted:Posting this here so you don't look like a idiot:
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Feb 4, 2013 00:03
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Jeffrey posted:Maybe you should reword this in other domestic abuse threads. "I mooch off my husband, but I'm a bitch regardless, so my husband hit me." See how it sounds there? Go gently caress yourself. This, holy poo poo. Why does this even need to be raised? Why is anyone even playing with the concept that it's ok for this mother to beat on her kids? I haven't lived at home in ten years, and I'm hoping I'm never in a position where it's the only option I have available to me again. And it's easy for me, as someone who works in a cushy full time office job, to say to someone like Benny, "Just get off your arse and get a job.". But then I remember ten years ago, when I was working my rear end off to get a job, I was living at home and stuck with lovely parents (a step dad who beat on me, a mother who didn't do poo poo to stop it). My best advise is, get the gently caress out of there. Go to a shelter, go to a friends place, go anywhere that isn't there (or anywhere you're not in risk of being assaulted). Yeah, a shelter might be poo poo in the short term, but location wise you might even be better off looking for work there than at your parents. But staying there is not doing you or your brother any good, and is clearly causing you a lot of stress.
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Feb 4, 2013 00:13
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CrazyTolradi posted:This, holy poo poo. Why does this even need to be raised? Why is anyone even playing with the concept that it's ok for this mother to beat on her kids? No, people are saying that it's understandable that one adult would flip out on another adult after he has spent months (or years) antagonizing her.
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Feb 4, 2013 01:19
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Yeah, flip out, I get. But hitting him? No.
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Feb 4, 2013 01:22
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VelveetaAvenger posted:No, people are saying that it's understandable that one adult would flip out on another adult after he has spent months (or years) antagonizing her. That is no defense for assault. She's an adult. The brother does seem like a whiny douche though, but hitting him won't fix that.
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Feb 4, 2013 02:29
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I'm sure OP's brother recovered from the horrificly dangerous and violent confrontation with his feeble over worked mother. I'd imagine most of the people I know would hit their adult son if they told them to "go gently caress yourself" because they were told to stop watching television.
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Feb 4, 2013 04:58
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Pretty much gonna echo other folks here; your mom is nuts but she is paying the bills, so it's in your best interest to try to come to a lucid agreement between adults about the media she doesn't want to be exposed to and how you can avoid that in the future, then stick to it like glue. I'm not sure she's unstable enough to warrant immediate severance over keeping the peace until you can afford to leave (even if it's just couch surfing at a chiller friend's place), but if she makes unreasonable demands or makes your life hell despite you otherwise doing your best to respect her wishes then don't hesitate to just go; the last thing you want is for her to make you more crazy than you already are for having to put up with this your whole childhood. And tell your brother he needs to suck his pride up and not pointlessly fight and antagonize your mom anymore, or else he's on his own because you sure as hell aren't interested in getting to the point where you're tossed out on your rear end or have your stuff sold/destroyed over his pissing her off. He's a grown-rear end man and ought to be capable of understanding that even if it's hard to resist mouthing off about things he doesn't like, he shouldn't loving do it with people who have this level of authority/control in his life and instead grow some drat restraint. There is no excuse for an otherwise normal twenty-something to not know how to restrain themselves from pointless antagonism.
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Feb 4, 2013 05:15
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Benny the Snake posted:Aw, damnit. For some reason, Firefox won't proofread. Companies aren't hiring Firefox, they're hiring you.
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Feb 4, 2013 05:43
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Well, Mom just asked why I decided to get away from the family over the weekend. And for some reason, both her and Dad are suspicious I orchastrated this whole thing as an excuse to run out and party on Superbowl Sunday. This should tell you how obstinate these people are. Now, I told her that what I saw was assault. How it was that moment that made me panic. But more importantly I felt guilty for taking advantage of this situation and so very powerless in order to help alleviate the obvious stress in being the main provider for a family of four. I was going to say how I felt fully well justified in calling the police even now for assault, but it didn't matter because nothing good would come from it. It was about halfway through before Mom decided she wanted nothing more and went upstairs. I begged her to go back. Then she showed me bruises on her person that she claimed Danny did to her. It was apparent that she was still in denial how she is a belligerent person. So I calmed her down, I brought her back downstairs, and I finished the above point. And that's where I laid out my two proposals where they'd be benificial towards both parties. #1-I move my comics/items that would be considered "offensive". However, neither they or Dad would have any right to go through said items. I'd find either a friend or a storage place to hold them. #2-We'd enter a tennant-landlord agreement. I pay $100 a month and inexchage, my place in this home is respected as mine. What I bring in that space, what I decide to view/read/etc. would be my business. Once I found employment, I'd pay $2-300 a month. She told me she didn't know who I was any more. As if the moment I decided to stop going to church that I changed into a complete stranger. I'm still sure she feels that the mere presence of my comics/movies/books that would be "innapropriate" in her narrow mindsight would be considered "undermining" to her faith and an imposition. She wants to discuss this with Dad now. Time will tell. Hopefully she'll accept either or and we can avoid any unecessary conflict. Maybe even both at the same time. I feel both are perfectly reasonable. This is pretty much an abbreviated verson of what happened. Now I have to buckle down and weather the incoming storm. Benny the Snake fucked around with this message at 06:23 on Feb 4, 2013 |
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Feb 4, 2013 06:21
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Jizznastics posted:I'm sure OP's brother recovered from the horrificly dangerous and violent confrontation with his feeble over worked mother. So, what hick town are you from?
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Feb 4, 2013 06:25
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Benny, your mother is batshit insane. Your proposals were reasonable and mature, her reaction was that of a crazed zealot. In her mind you've obviously fallen onto the "dark path" and are not familiar to her anymore. Seriously though, she's crazy, get the poo poo out of there. If you get a job, don't hang around.
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Feb 4, 2013 07:01
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Stop wasting time with all this bullshit and get a loving job.
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Feb 4, 2013 07:17
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spunkshui posted:Stop wasting time with all this bullshit and get a loving job. I hope in my ramblings I'm not inadvertently breaking any rules of e/n 
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Feb 4, 2013 07:25
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He IS trying to get a job, has said he's tossing his resume far and wide anywhere he can think to, and is posting in BFC. Jobs don't exactly grow on trees in this economy you know. Benny, sorry your mom is too big a Jesus freak to fully respect your wanting to have a mature and reasonable tenancy arrangement and discuss that like an adult. It might be good to talk this over with your dad as well in case she twists your words in such a way he goes fully along with her crazyness without knowing the full story, though if he's a big enough doormat that won't really do any good. Don't stay any longer than you absolutely have to.
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Feb 4, 2013 07:32
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What you find reasonable and what she (and your dad) finds reasonable are not necessarily the same thing. The only clear way you'll be able to do as you please is if you do not live with your parents. So you have to decide if living at home is worth it to live in your parent's house to achieve those goals. I don't say this to demean you, you have to realize how much your arguments sound like a teenager, in fact they would be far more understandable coming from a teenager because most people would agree that a teenager isn't expected to fend on their own. You have to understand that you have no rights as a full grown man living there beyond the basics like safety. You are not going to convince your parents based on how REASONABLE you perceive these PRIVILEGES to be. If they want to throw out the TV and cancel the internet that is totally within their rights. If you're going to rationalize it based on the fact that you're paying 100-300 dollars in the future you should realize understand this isn't remotely within fair market rent and not have the same expectations of a normal tenancy agreement. Here's a example of what I think would be a far more productive line of discussion with your mom. Hi Mom, I understand you and I have difference points of view on what I should watch and be allowed to do, I don't think we'll ever agree on that but I want you to understand I respect your views and the hard work you do. I'm not happy with my life right now so I'm going to make some changes so I'm able to live the way I want. I think we'll all be happier if we sit down and talk to each other and try to give each other a little slack.
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Feb 4, 2013 07:46
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Sporadic posted:So, what hick town are you from? Cool, not like the word hick is derogatory or anything. Do people actaully beleive that this situation is on the same level as actaul phyiscal abuse? I'm sure the OP's brother was more upset about the fact that his mother tried to take his phone rather then the fact that she struck him out of anger. What a broken family.
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Feb 4, 2013 08:01
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Jizznastics posted:Cool, not like the word hick is derogatory or anything. Cool, it's not like I care about offending you when you are literally trying to defend his mother hitting his brother. The same mother who has a history of violence. Benny the Snake posted:...well, there was a point where the drama between my parents escalated to the point that my mom got violent and started hitting my dad. I was only a kid so I got scared and called the cops. My mom was charged with a misdemenor and taken to prison for I'm guessing assault. Since then, she lost her really nice job teaching at a kindergarten right down the street and we lost government aid to pay for rent. I kinda hosed us over beause of that. Would that also be ok in your shithole town?
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Feb 4, 2013 08:45
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Starter Wiggin posted:Don't listen to Jizznastics. Never listen to Jizznastics about anything, ever. Gonna go ahead and quote myself here.
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Feb 4, 2013 09:59
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Ignatius M. Meen posted:He IS trying to get a job, has said he's tossing his resume far and wide anywhere he can think to, and is posting in BFC. Jobs don't exactly grow on trees in this economy you know. There are plenty of jobs out there. If you actually try, you can find something. OP apparently let an interview slip by because he could not get a ride? There are plenty of taxi services in southern California. If you wont get a car OP, learn the bus system. Basically stop with the drama and actually spend 8-10 hours a day doing your job (looking for work).
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Feb 4, 2013 11:45
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Your mom slapping your brother is one of the least important things going on in your life. The dude wouldn't watch PG TV around his mom, is completely dependent on for everything, told her to go gently caress herself and refused to give her his cell phone (which is likely hers to begin with). He's the worse person by far than an ill tempered middle aged mother who needs to keep her hands to herself. You told her you'd call the police if it happens again, there problem solved. I also can't believe you're going to write up legal loving documents to protect your comic books when your life is such a mess. You sound like a rules lawyering 17 year old trying to negociate a totally unfair curfew. Literally no job is beneath you at this point, stop making excuses for why you don't apply to some places.
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Feb 4, 2013 13:58
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ClemenSalad posted:Your mom slapping your brother is one of the least important things going on in your life. The dude wouldn't watch PG TV around his mom, is completely dependent on for everything, told her to go gently caress herself and refused to give her his cell phone (which is likely hers to begin with). He's the worse person by far than an ill tempered middle aged mother who needs to keep her hands to herself. You told her you'd call the police if it happens again, there problem solved. As many have pointed out, it's not a simple matter of just getting "any" job. He is overqualified for pretty much any minimum wage position, and any hiring manager is going to see he's going to look for better anyway. I'm told the job market in the US is generally poo poo right now, which means hundreds of applicants for any position. Out of which, a hiring manager will take on the person who they think will stick around the longest and won't be able to job hunt up the "ladder", so to speak. He won't get a job in a day, it took me months of job searching back in 09 when I was unemployed. I was knocked back for dozens of job applications simply because I was applying for jobs well below my skill level and the manager knew I'd be out the door the second I got something better. To be fair, he was trying to speak to his mother as an adult to another. Just because he's living at home doesn't mean he can't try to discuss his situation and come to an understanding both parties can live with. When I was still living at home a long time ago, I had an agreement with my parents that I helped out with the chores and around the house, paid my board (which was very cheap but you get that from family) and kept my room reasonable (as long as I didn't have fungus growing and trash on the floor, it was fine) then I was free to do as I wanted in my room (apart from drugs, which my half brother did and promptly got turfed out on his arse). I don't see what's unreasonable about that kind of agreement, it seems far more mature and healthier than having parents beat their kids around from frustration. It's also not fair to diminish the fact his mother is abusive and assaulting members of her family. I'd bet you anything if it was the father, people would be singing a very different tune. It's actually important to keep in mind in this that while Benny and his brother seem kind of whiny (and probably are whiny from the perspective of some here), his mother is being just as, if not more so, unreasonable. The whole "doesn't go to church anymore, doesn't know who her son is anymore" thing is a very good indicator of his mother's mindset, and that she is a very her way or the highway style of person. Which again is all the more reason to get the hell out and not look back.
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Feb 4, 2013 15:20
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Sporadic posted:Cool, it's not like I care about offending you when you are literally trying to defend his mother hitting his brother. The same mother who has a history of violence. I think people are overreacting when they call it "Phyiscal abuse". Its kind of lovely to compare it to actaul cases of phyiscal abuse. The woman lost her temper because her son adult son was being a basket of dog assholes. I feel no sympathy for the OP's brother. I was also simply pointing out that the word "Hick" is a derogatory word, mabye you should worry about offending the people who come from rural low income areas. Honestly, I can understand why other posters disagree with me, but I also think that other posters would agree with me when I say you should leave, the fact that your only contrubition to this thread was a offensive generaliztion. Jizznastics fucked around with this message at 16:12 on Feb 4, 2013 |
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Feb 4, 2013 16:07
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